Work Text:
Steve doesn't remember what Stark says this time. He just remembers that it makes him bonkers mad. Steve remembers the dark desire to hit Stark in the face and watch his expression change to something scared and insecure.
Stark will never be anything like Howard was, and Steve blames him for it even though it's not his fault, even though it's wrong. But nowadays everything around Steve is wrong: his surroundings, his life and even his friends who can't be his friends because all his real friends are dead.
"You can pretend all you want," Steve tells Stark, "but I see right through you. You hide behind all that money. What do you know about true value of sacrifice? About making the right decision while knowing you can die? About loosing people when you promised to keep them safe?"
There's a long pause when Avengers just stare at him like he's gone mad and Steve thinks about how he dreams at night about all this being a nightmare, about waking up and going to that date with Peggy, and she teaches him to dance, and –
And Stark chuckles, but it's dark and guarded like he's nursing some feeling deep down inside and is afraid to let it loose, like he just remembered something and doesn't want to share, like he wants to tell Steve a lot, wants to punch him, insult him but then thinks better of it.
"Yeah, Rogers, you're right," he says and something is wrong, he doesn't have the right to look so hurt and small and broken and brittle, "I wouldn't know anything about that."
He walks out of the room and does it with such finality that it seems like all the air got sucked out at that precise moment and Steve is left with nothing but insults at the tip of his tongue and rage in his chest.
Steve turns around to look at his teammates expecting their approval but it's not what he finds.
Bruce excuses himself out in fear to hulk out. Thor looks like someone has kicked his puppy and he narrows his eyes at Steve the way he does when he finds something to be not worthy. Natasha has anger in her eyes but it's actually Clint who breaks the pregnant silence first.
"What the fuck?" he exclaims. "Tell me I misheard and you didn't ask Stark about sacrifices?"
"He just acts like a drama queen!" Steve shouts in some desperation raising his hands. "Like he knows hardships from firsthand experience! Yes, he saved New York, I'll give him that, but one time doesn't count!"
"Steve," Natasha stands dangerously close but it's too late for him to stop.
"And one time he said something about Afghanistan. So what? One more of his tales where he supposedly saved someone?"
Natasha hits him across his face and Steve stares at her in beliwerment. It stings.
"And what do you know about true sacrifices?" she snarls. "Have you made tough decisions? Have you lost important people because you couldn't save them?"
"You know that I -"
"Could've fooled me, Captain," the way she pronounces the word, "Captain" sounds like a curse. She storms out before he can stop her, Thor following with disappointment written across his face.
"That was rude coming from you, just so we're clear," Clint sighs. "I would've punched you myself if Tasha hadn't done it already".
"I don't understand," Steve confesses.
"Have you at least read the man's file?" Barton leans across the table and crosses his arms.
"And why would I do that?" Steve muses.
"Just ask Fury to give you the printed copy or something," Clint shakes his head like Steve is some naughty child and it makes him mad. "Everyone knows Stark hacks our electronics, he's rewritten his own file which is kind of smart, if you ask me."
He leaves and Steve is left completely alone, clenching and unclenching his fists in silent anger that makes his head spin.
***
"Come again?" Fury looks at him like he's gone mad and Steve wants to tell him that it's nothing but the desire to know, to understand burns him with its intensity.
"I said, I need a paper copy of Stark's file, sir," Steve repeats.
"Anything I need to worry about?" Fury inquires and calls for Hill when Steve shakes his head in denial.
Maria comes in with a stack of papers and hands them over. Some of them are old, some are relatively new. Steve feels like he's going to have a long evening so he decides to read only the recent records. He doesn't need to read about Stark's childhood to know that he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, right?
***
Steve feels sick.
No, scratch that. Steve feels guilty, ashamed, angry, sick and helpless.
It's a mixture of feelings he never wants to feel again.
He looks at data in front of him and wonders how he could misjudge Stark and call him all those horrible things. When he looks at the words, at all the analysis, he sees a broken man who struggles to defeat his past, to do the right thing, to become a better man. He sees someone who's been hurt time after time by the ones he trusted, who is afraid to open up and to reach to people because they'll hurt him anyway, so what's the point? He sees someone so depressed, that it makes him wonder how this person hasn't committed suicide yet.
Next lines make his head spin: Stark made quite a few attempts at his own life. The last one was right after Steve asked him those questions.
Steve reads about Afghanistan, about his captivity, about Yiensen. He learns about the shiny device in Stark's - Tony's chest, about its function, about the invention of it.
He's impressed - to create something so complex from a box of scraps under constant surveillance requires a genius, nothing less.
He looks at the scans of Tony's chest and sees words like "shortage of lungs capacity", "chronic pains", "chronic headaches", "pressure on the heart", and all he can think of are those small moments when he mocked Stark for being out of breath, for taking too much time to regain his posture, for standing completely still, with closed eyes, and just catching his breath.
Steve wants to punch something when he reaches the files about palladium poisoning, about when Tony couldn't trust anyone with his problem and continued to wear the suit because he felt obligated to defend the lives of people. Tony created a new element, and no one outside of SHIELD knows about this, and there must be a reason for that.
And then, for some reason, Steve decides that Tony's childhood must have been loving parents, careless days spent doing nothing and all that things that happen to reach spoiled kids.
Well, he has never been so wrong in his life.
He doesn't recognize the man that has been his friend once.
Steve wants to go back in time and to hit Howard, to shake some sense into him. Steve knows that Steve Rogers is not perfect, but Captain America is. And that's the problem, isn't it? Steve himself finds it difficult sometimes to stand up to his alter ego, he cannot imagine how impossible it seemed for a small kid who just wanted to hear words of approval from his dad. But Tony was not the one to give up, never, so he tried and built and created and invented, and all he got for his troubles was rejection.
Then he got into college, and, wow, at such young age. Steve would've been proud. Howard just went away again to try and resurrect the past that should've been forgotten long time ago.
Steve thinks about a lonely teenager drinking himself into stupor so that it stopped hurting so much. He thinks about all the possibilities and vulnerabilities that left for others to mock him, to bully him. He thinks he understand now when Tony's silver tongue was born. He might not have been able to fight back physically, but his mind was sharp and his words were precise and accurate and cutting and he never bit first, didn't he? He bit back, he threw himself at his abuser only after being hurt, and what Steve did all this time apart from hurting him and making him feel the need to bite back, to defend himself?
Steve feels regret at every spoken word.
He remembers Tony giving him fun names, calling him Steve, trying to make some kind of a contact. He remembers snarling bad, awful things in response, throwing insults and curses at the smaller man like it made him alive. And, God, it did - back then. He remembers all the comfort he took when Tony looked hurt, let down and insecure, all the things he used to come up with, all the words he was fishing for at night until they hurt like a perfect weapon.
And then he remembers Tony - always there for him, always ready to help, always taking all insults for grunted, always looking silent, broken and defeated afterwards. He remembers how happy he was when Tony stopped biting back, stopped protesting, stopped trying to prove some point.
Now it makes him worried and afraid.
That's what happens when you brake someone. It's all Steve ever wanted to do, but now it feels wrong and he feels a sudden desire to hurt every person who made Tony feel defeated and brittle.
Steve gathers all the papers, buries his head in them and cries.
***
In the morning, Steve understands that fixing the damage is harder than he imagined, because Tony looks insecure and ready lo leave at any moment, and Steve cannot understand how he could miss all the signs.
"Ste - Captain?" Tony tries to sound confident and indifferent but Steve knows better now.
"Steve is okay," he says and tries to make his smile seem casual enough.
"Steve," Tony repeats automatically, and, God, these three words are the most peaceful ones they've ever shared.
"I just wanted to apologize, I guess," Steve tells him and rubs the back of his head.
"But you have nothing to apologize for," Tony looks surprised and guilty for some reason, and it makes Steve burn with desire to hit himself, hard, because it's all his fault that this amazing man doesn't even believe that someone might be sorry for treating him wrong.
Steve places the papers on the table, but Tony looks at them with guarded expression and makes no attempt at lifting them or even touching them.
"I'm sorry that I've done it behind your back, but I needed to know what I'd missed," he stops to look at Tony, but the smaller man has a blank face and his eyes reveal nothing. "But that's not what I'm apologizing for. God, Tony, I'm so, so terribly sorry for the way I treated you all this time. It's just... You always look so confident, and your words are sharp, and I understand now that you don't mean half the things you say... I just... Can you forgive me? Please?"
"Steve," Tony manages, and it sounds like a choked sob. "It's okay, really. It's okay."
"It's not okay, Tony. Please, just don't hate me for being an idiot," his eyes sting, so he closes them, buries his face in his hands and jerks in surprise when small cold hands touch his wrists.
"Steve, I would never hate you, never," Tony's voice is small, quiet and soothing. "You are a good person, stop blaming yourself. Come on, just open your eyes. Look at me. Steve, please. I need to know that we're okay. We're good, right?" and he's shaking, because everything's at stake right now.
Steve can’t believe what he’s hearing.
“How can I hate you,” Tony says carefully as if afraid to scare him away, “if you represent everything this century is missing? You are honest and straight-forward, you are not afraid to speak your mind. You make your own conclusions and act on them. That’s… if anything, I respect that. I miss those times when people could tell me what they really thought of me.”
“What,” Steve manages, and Tony just sighs.
“I could use some honesty, you know?” he shrugs. “You are honest, Steve. Please, try not to lose that. Don’t be like them, okay? Cold and impersonal and… and not Steve?”
Steve opens his eyes and looks at Tony, at his impossible brown eyes and just can't resist.
He kisses him like his life depends on it, and it does, in some sense, and Tony lets go of all his insecurities and trust issues, he opens his mouth and lets Steve claim it, lets him do all he wants, lets him bite at his throat, pull his hair back. He doesn't protest, not even once, and Steve suddenly realizes the reasons behind Tony's actions.
"Tony, are you in love with me?" he inquires in a whisper, already dreading the answer.
Tony lowers his head and keeps quiet. He doesn’t need to say anything as it all is written across his pale face.
Steve thinks back and can’t find any reason for Tony to fall in love with him. He was rude and cruel, he was… honest.
Steve takes Tony’s face in his hands and slowly, gently places a chaste kiss to his slightly parted lips.
“I will treat you right this time,” he promises and Tony believes him.
Steve isn’t sure he’s entirely comfortable with someone trusting him so much.
He keeps quiet, though. Some things are better left unsaid.
He just hopes he won’t join the long list of people who broke Tony’s heart.