Chapter Text
Ryu Sunghoon wasn't a good man. He knew this much about himself. Just like any other day, he sits absent-minded in the judge's seat, waiting for the prosecution and defense to finish their arguments so that he can relay his judgement.
"I hereby sentence the defendant to three years in prison," Sunghoon announces at the end, banging the gavel three times. It was a simple case of petty theft but the defendant was only a poor man who stole only food to feed his family. He took mercy. He reduced a six year sentence to only three, given the man's circumstances.
"What an excellent ruling!" The lawyers and prosecutors praised after the hearing. "When did young judge Ryu ever make a wrong judgment anyway?!" They laughed out loud, eyeing the young judge with great admiration. Once he left the court hall, the family of the defendant also thanked him, telling him what a great man he was, how merciful he was, reciting a whole list of praises. After what felt like eternity, he finally returned to his office, flinging angrily his suitcase and taking off his tie.
He felt suffocated! What a day this has been!
He gets a call. It is his father. He asks him to pass by after work. When he asks about whether he should pick up Ryu Sungjoon on his way, his father makes up excuses to not bring Ryu Sun Joon along.
For God's sake, he is your son, not me! Would it kill you to be nice to him every once in a while?!
"Yes, father. I will be there. Don't worry!" Sunghoon answers, picking up his suitcase and leaving the office. Once he is home, his mom greets him warmly, guiding him towards a set table. A feast as usual. Once they start eating, his parents shower him with compliments as well, noting his last trial this morning. Wow, so fast!
But his father was a judge too, so to be expected. The entire time, they don't even mention Sungjoon's name. Are those people really his parents?
He finally leaves his parent's house and heads home to his apartment. He slowly opens the door and turns on the lights. Looks like Sungjoon is not home yet! Sunghoon looks at his watch; it is way past midnight. This kid never comes home early!
He calls him immediately, even before going into his room and changing his clothes.
"Where are you?" Sunghoon asks once Sungjoon picks up.
"Hyung, am on my way. I was just caught up in a case but I am almost done now. I will be home in 30 minutes" Sungjoon replies, voice stifled and low in spirits. Sunghoon hangs up but looks concerned. Did something happen at work to make the usually bright kid sound so gloomy all of a sudden?
He dismisses the thought, nonetheless and heads to his bedroom. He goes to the kitchen to prepare a meal for Sungjoon once he is home. He must be starving! Once he is done cooking, he gently covers the plate of food and neatly organizes the side dishes around the plate.
And just when he was about to go to sleep in his room, the door opened. Finally! "What were you doing this late? And don't tell me detective work. Not all detectives live recklessly like you do Ryu Sungjoon!" Sunghoon scolded, eyes firmly fixated on the figure by the door. Despite his brother's yelling, Sungjoon calmly placed his shoes in the shoe rack, still facing the door and not turning around.
"You are right! I should have come early. I am sorry, hyung!" Sungjoon admits with his back still facing Sunghoon. Sunghoon is confused, however. His younger brother would never relent this easily to his chiding. The usual Sungjoon would pick a fight right here and there. Something wasn't right…
"Ryu Sungjoon, look at me!" Sunghoon ordered, tilting his neck to the side to get a better look at Sungjoon's face. Hesitantly, Sungjoon turned around. Sunghoon hissed disapprovingly upon seeing Sungjoon's face. Blotches of blue and purple marred the younger man's face, looking like someone who had just come out from a 12-hour boxing match.
"I just got into a fight with a suspect who was attempting to flee. It is no big deal." Sungjoon stated calmly while making his way in and avoiding any eye contact with Sunghoon. And just before Sungjoon was about to enter his room, Sunghoon stepped in front of him and prevented him from proceeding any further.
"You think this kind of behavior is normal?!" Ryu Sunghoon asked, looking directly into Sungjoon's eyes. "Chasing criminals like your life depended on it and running around like a mad dog. I am asking you if you think this is normal, Ryu Sungjoon!"
"Why do you care, hyung?" Sungjoon scoffed, eyeing Sunghoon defiantly. "Don't worry! I won't do anything that would hurt our great family's reputation"
Hearing that, Sunghoon snickered with disbelief at Sungjoon's words. The younger brother's words were too ridiculous to even attempt to answer them, so he just stood there staring at Sungjoon, blocking his way to his room.
"We are done here, right?" Sungjoon remarked when he saw that Sunghoon had no desire to move from his spot. Choosing to end the argument, Sunghoon gave a slight frown and walked away quietly to his room. Sungjoon watched as the older brother went into his room and closed the door firmly behind him. He looked down ashamed, thinking that Sunghoon must be disappointed in him. Despite his strong bravado, Sungjoon was affected by Sunghoon's smallest actions. Sunghoon did not have to say much to get his message across to Sungjoon. At that, Sungjoon went into his room dejectedly, turned off the lights and fell like a log on the bed.
The next day, Sunghoon dressed up, preparing to leave for work as usual. Before leaving, he glanced around the apartment and grimaced, eyeing the untouched tray of food he left for Sungjoon last night. For the whole day at work, Sunghoon was blatantly cynical and irritable, even more than he usually is. When he tried to think of the reason behind his grumpy mood, he just couldn't think of anything. It was not like it was his first time to clash with Ryu Sungjoon. They have had their fair share of arguments growing up, and Ryu Sunghoon never took any of Sungjoon's words to heart. He was always the calm and collected brother in the relationship; their arguments do not phase him as much as he knows they phase Sungjoon.
Calling it early for the day, Sunghoon headed home, not expecting Sungjoon to be home. He should be still at work at this hour. When he opened the door, everything was exactly as he left it. The living room and the kitchen remain untouched, let alone the food he cooked for Sungjoon yesterday. So he left again on an empty stomach, huh! Sunghoon let out a big sigh at the thought and went to his room quietly. Till about noon, he sat in his room, perfecting his wooden carvings, carefully placing Yunjae's 13 figure next to his. And on days like this when Sunghoon was feeling somehow vulnerable, he would let himself cry observing the wooden models of himself and his old friends. Getting up to grab a glass of water from the kitchen, he heard a phone ring in Sungjoon's room. So he forgot his phone too! But this level of carelessness was nothing new to Sungjoon, so Sunghoon was not surprised. Entering Sungjoon's room to silence the ringing phone, he was shocked to find Sungjoon lying on his bed. So, he did not go to work. That's a first!
Sunghoon approached the bed quietly, heading towards where the ringing noise was coming from. He noticed that Sungjoon had his phone placed beside his head on top of the bed. It was so weird that he could still sleep despite all the commotion from the phone's ringing.
"Hey Ryu Sungjoon, wake up now!" Sunghoon tried, already grabbing the phone from beside Sungjoon and turning it off. Finally, some peace!
"Ryu Sungjoon, didn't you hear me?! I said get up!" Sunghoon repeated, but Sungjoon didn't move at all, still lying on his back motionless on the bed. This is definitely not normal!
"Hey Ryu Sungjoon!!" Sunghoon yelled this time, shaking Sungjoon by the shoulder violently this time. And just when he was about to call an ambulance, Sungjoon opened his eyes slowly.
"Hey Sungjoon, can you hear me?" Sunghoon asked, getting in front of the younger brother's field of vision, so that he could see him. "Yes…I can hear you fine. Why are you yelling?!" Sungjoon answered, rubbing his eyes to try to wake up.
"Why am I yelling?" Sunghoon scoffed. "Seriously! I have been trying to wake you up for five whole minutes and you wouldn't wake up. Not to mention your phone kept ringing right beside your ear and you still wouldn't move one bit. Are you on drugs or something?!"
"Ah, hyung! I am sorry. I couldn't sleep yesterday, so I took some sleeping pills," Sungjoon professed, still barely able to open his eyes.
"Some sleeping pills??" Sunghoon admonished, looking around for said sleeping pills. He found the pill bottle on Sungjoon's desk and immediately frowned upon reading the label. "These are some strong stuff, you idiot. One is enough to knock you out for an entire day. How many did you take?"
"Two or three, I think!" Sungjoon said, flickering one eye looking like he is trying to remember how many he took. At his older brother's admonishment, he tried to rise from the bed, only to find himself falling back again from a severe headache and having to use his elbow to prevent himself from lying down again. Watching him flailing helplessly in the bed, Sunghoon supported his younger brother's back and placed a pillow behind him. Soon after that, he made his way to the kitchen, grabbed a glass of water, returned to the room and gave Sungjoon the single order, "Drink!"
"Did you even read the prescription on the bottle?" Sunghoon asked despite knowing Sungjoon's answer beforehand. "Do you even know how dangerous that is?!"
Sungjoon eyed his older brother apologetically. He was definitely in the wrong here, and he had nothing to say to justify his behaviour. But this was a recurrent theme in the two brother's relationship: Sungjoon acting recklessly and Sunghoon criticizing him for it.
"Why are you doing this, Ryu Sungjoon? Why can't you live well like everybody else around you?" Sunghoon questioned, understanding at that moment the reason he was behaving oddly all day. Worried! He was simply worried about Ryu Sungjoon. It was such a difficult realization for Sunghoon, one that he could never come to terms with because for him Sungjoon was not his real brother. And even worse, he was the son of the two people he vowed to exact revenge upon. By right, he should be detesting Ryu Sungjoon, not worrying about him. Worrying about him made no sense, especially after he tortured him with someone else's memory since he was a kid. But against all logic and reason, Sunghoon worried about Sungjoon. The younger man found his way to Sunghoon's cold heart and warmed his way in through his innocent smile and naive gestures. Damn this Ryu Sungjoon!
"Hyung, I can't live well like everybody else because we are not like everybody else. Have you seen our family? Are we even a family?" Sungjoon retorted calmly, despite the emotion behind his words. "Mom and dad act like I am non-existent and you…" he hesitated before completing his sentence.
"What about me, Sungjoon?" Sunghoon raised an eyebrow challengingly upon hearing his name.
"You have walls around you that I can't seem to break through. It is as if you are not allowing yourself to act naturally around me," Sungjoon explained, looking directly into Sunghoon's eyes and carefully observing the older man's reaction. "What am I to you really, hyung? A brother or a burden?"
Sunghoon found himself lost for words at Sungjoon's suddenly witty declaration. He hit the nail on the head with this one. But on a second thought, the words were not so witty as Sunghoon had first thought, given that it has taken the younger man years to precisely pinpoint Sunghoon's inner conflict. In either case, Sunghoon had no reply for Sungjoon's words. Even if he considered Sungjoon his brother, he could never admit it.
Witnessing Sunghoon's lack of response, Sungjoon's eyes glazed with unfallen tears. "You asked me why I can't live like everyone else. It is stuff like that that doesn't make me sleep, hyung!"
Sunghoon stood helplessly, hearing Sungjoon's heart aching words, unable to comfort him. He shouldn't have asked those stupid questions in the first place. Of course, Sungjoon acts the way he does because of him…because of what he did to him…because of the nightmares Sunghoon and Yunjae gave him that Sunghoon often heard Sungjoon scream from despite being in another room…because of the false sense of isolation and rejection he relayed to him since a young age. Ultimately, it was because of him that Sungjoon grew up thinking that he was unloved and uncared for. No wonder he acted the way he did!
Without a word, Sunghoon turned his head away from Sungjoon and left the room. Once he was back in his room, he entered the bathroom, found the razor and cut himself for the hundredth time. Sunghoon was not a good man…he knew this for a fact more than anyone else.