Archive of Our Own

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Natasha stares at the message on screen, her heart in her throat as she reads it over and over again. Each time, the letters seem to blur and she finds herself blinking away tears that she refuses to let fall. The quinjet dips from sudden turbulence, and she finds herself snapped back into reality as her hands readjust on the controls.

“Nat? You okay?”

Glancing to her left, she finds Sharon watching her curiously from the copilot chair. She tries her best to grin back, but she doesn’t need a mirror to know it doesn’t reach her eyes. Apparently it’s enough to absolve her from any further questioning as she forces herself to find words.

“Yeah. All good.”

The nausea in her stomach lets her know that she’s anything but.

As soon as they touch down on the helipad, Natasha practically bolts from the cockpit. She’s got a few scrapes and bruises here and there, but it’s nothing that the first aid kit under her sink can’t handle.

She waves off any attempts to get her attention, trusting that Sharon will log their intel gathering as a success that doesn’t need any kind of formal debrief. She barely notices agents parting like the Red Sea to get out of her way.

The hustle and bustle of the helicarrier is almost too much for her to handle, and by the time she reaches her personal quarters, she’s swears that her phone is burning a hole right through her field suit. She releases a heavy breath that she hasn’t even realized she had been holding when she steps into her room and she realizes she’s alone. The urge to vomit returns, however, when she pulls out her phone and notices the notifications.

Three missed calls and a torrent of text messages she wouldn’t even dare open.

Her hands are trembling, thumbs twitching over the screen, but she eventually just settles on turning the damn thing off all together. She drops the device on her desk, staring at it with lost dignity before she sets off to tend to her minor wounds.

BANG. BANG. BANG.

“Natasha, I know you’re in there!”

A pause.

BANG. BANG.

“Open this fucking door!”

Natasha squeezes her eyes shut. She hadn’t been sleeping. She knew she wouldn’t be sleeping the second she stepped foot back onto the carrier. A quick glance at her bedside clock shows her that it’s just a quarter past two in the morning. A part of her is surprised that this hadn’t happened sooner.

“Nat seriously!? Don’t fucking shut me out like this!”

BANG.

“Please!”

That right there is almost enough to break her entire resolve. It’s almost enough to have her scrambling out of bed and throwing the door open with a waterfall of explanations ready to pour from her lips.

Almost.

“Natasha, please…”

Tugging her blanket around her shoulders, Natasha turns her back to the door and curls in on herself. The tears that have been threatening to fall all night, finally make their way down her cheeks, even though they feel incredibly undeserving.

She does her best to make her presence on the helicarrier scarce. In the span of two weeks, she’s thrown her hand up for almost every milk run mission presented, even if they didn’t quite require her high level of expertise. Hell, she even volunteers to oversee a rookie training session on the gun range. It was certainly a shock to those fresh baby faces to see the Black Widow herself evaluating them. Well, shock and a great sense of fear.

With how busy she’s been making sure to keep herself, there hasn’t been much time for anyone to try and catch up with her, and she likes it that way.

Until one Nicholas J. Fury throws a wrench in that.

It takes everything in Natasha not to physically throw her hands up and curse when she’s dropped a file and summoned to a meeting room. Based on her quick glance at the file, she knows it’s an Avengers gathering, and the same sickening feeling in her stomach from a few weeks ago returns. The radical part of her brain wants her to ignore the meeting altogether, but she knows Fury is every bit of relentless as he is petty. It wouldn’t turn out good for her in the long run.

Upon entering the meeting room, she notices that whatever the mission is will require nothing more than a skeleton crew. Clint is kicked back in his chair fiddling with a few arrowheads while Tony appears to be tinkering with a holographic version of his suit. Both men look up when she enters, giving their usual teasing and quips as greetings. She’s manages to roll her eyes and wave them off in her usual aloof manner, but as she goes to take a seat at the table, her breath hitches.

Fury isn’t the one handling this briefing. Instead, he’s sent his deputy in his place and suddenly Natasha wishes the ground would open up and swallow her whole. A part of her wishes that Thor were here instead because she’s fairly certain she could get him to make that happen.

They don’t make eye contact as Natasha lowers herself into a chair to Tony’s left. She swears that the room drops an additional ten degrees as the deputy director snaps shut the file she had been reading and commands the attention of the entire room.

“Let’s get started then.”

The op is pretty cut and dry.

They’ve identified a HYDRA cell operating out of Greenland. They’re to go into the base, gather any essential intel and destroy all remnants that could possibly be used for a rebuild. It’s an op they’ve run countless times and it should be easy enough. Nat finds herself absentmindedly wondering if she can convince Thor to come in anyway. His presence always makes the whole demolitions side of things a lot easier.

When they’re dismissed, Natasha is the first one to her feet, trying not to make it appear too obvious that she’s willing to sprint towards the door to get out of here.

“Agent Romanoff. A word.”

The curt coldness makes Natasha internally flinch, but she manages to keep her outward composure. She ignores the curious looks of Tony and Clint and instead focuses on the sound of her heart suddenly pounding in her ears. When the door closes behind them, she feels like the thuds are slowly turning into a thousand marching bands.

The room itself is silent. A silence that you could probably slice through with a plastic knife. Natasha is no stranger to tension, but this…this is something different. This is something that’s suffocating. It takes the air from the room and deprives you of it, leaving you as if you have no choice but to futilely gasp for oxygen.

“Really? You can’t even look at me.”

Natasha’s eyes momentarily close and she wills her own mask into place before she turns around. What she sees almost makes her stumble.

Where everyone would see the cold stare of the stoic deputy, Natasha is met with a face of sheer broken exhaustion. Looking closely, she can see the red rimmed eyes that dictate the obvious lack of sleep and a jaw pulled so tight it’s a wonder she hasn’t popped a muscle.

“What can I do for you, Commander?”

Maria’s face cracks and she laughs, but it’s not one of humor. It’s a laugh that’s cold and lacks its usual smugness or even rare genuine humor when only Nat is able to draw it out of her. She shakes her head in disbelief, staring at Nat as if she’s grown two heads.

“So that’s how we’re gonna do this?” She unfolds her arms and advances to stand across the table. She reaches into her pocket and thumbs through it momentarily before she flings it on the table. It skids across the table enough for Natasha to see that she’s opened her messages.

“You’re gonna send me something like that with no explanation and then you do everything you can to ignore me? And then you have the audacity to stand there and look at me like I’m crazy for asking for an explanation?”

Natasha feels her own resolve fracturing and her shoulders drop heavily. “I…I don’t know what you want me to say. I thought I made myself pretty clear.”

Maria’s eyes go wide and for a second Natasha feels like she’s going to disintegrate right where she stands.

“No, Natasha. You did not make yourself clear, but since we’re standing here right now, why don’t you spread it out for me.”

Huffing, Natasha forces herself to keep and hold eye contact. “This. This thing, between us. Whatever it is. We can’t keep doing this.”

I can’t keep doing this.

She knows it sounds like total bullshit and that’s why she had went the even more cowardly route of sending it in a text in the first place. She knew for a fact that it would come out like this unsanctioned jumbled mess.

“This there someone else?”

Natasha snaps her head up and immediately her face contorts into a frown.

“What?”

Maria throws her hands up as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Well? Is there?” She folds her arms tightly. “Is it Thor?”

This time it’s Natasha who scoffs. “Are you kidding me? He’s as much of a brother as Clint is. You know that’s ridiculous.”

“No, Nat. I actually don’t know that’s ridiculous. I don’t know anything because you’re keeping me in the dark. What I do know is that for whatever reason a few weeks ago, everything was fine. Then suddenly my girlfriend is breaking up with me via text and instead of giving me an explanation why, she goes on to act like I don’t even exist. You know I had to ask Fury to let me do this briefing so I could even be in the same room as you!? Would you have even come if you knew I was here!?”

Girlfriend.

The word leaves Natasha’s heart jumping and her stomach twisting at the exact same time. It’s been eight months of this. Of them sharing the most intimate parts of one another, both physically and emotionally. For a while, she felt content, like this was something she could actually live with.

Then she had gone and whispered those three sensitive words she never thought would tumble from her lips.

It had been a rare night they were spending at Maria’s apartment in DC. The evening had consisted of quiet words and intimate activities, and as Nat laid with her head on Maria’s chest drawing absent minded circles over her skin, it had just happened.

She wasn’t even sure Maria had even heard her as she didn’t stir when Natasha spoke. Having said what she did, Natasha found herself unable to get any rest that night. Her mind had been plagued with raging thoughts, all screaming the same thing over and over again, just confirming what she already knew.

She couldn’t do this. 

She shouldn’t.

“Maria, we knew when we started doing this what this was. I’m sorry that I can’t offer anymore than that, but that’s what it is. With what we do and who we are…you and I we…we just can’t.”

Maria’s mirthless laugh cracks and she tilts her head back in an obvious attempt to blink away stray tears threatening to fall. “We can’t or you can’t.” It’s not a question but a flat cold statement. “Imagine that…the same week you tell me you love me, you do everything you can to show me otherwise.”

Nat grimaces and her eyes fall to the table.

So she had heard.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re not.” Maria straightens and turns away from her. “Because if you were, you’d do something about it.

Carefully slipping her commander mold back in place, Maria heads towards the door of the conference room, pausing as she barely casts a glance over her shoulder to the woman left in the room. When she speaks, her voice is devoid of any and all emotion.

“Good luck with your mission, Agent Romanoff.”

Natasha curses as she reaches for her belt to find that she’s finally used her last ammo clip. The harsh burning in her shoulder had left her deciding she wanted to avoid hand to hand if she could, but it seems now she has no choice. Grunting in displeasure, she draws her batons and springs into attack.

“What was that we agreed on about not making a scene?”

Natasha rolls her eyes at Clint’s far-too-relaxed-for-the-situation-at-hand voice in her ear.

“I don’t know, Tony. What did we say about that?”

“Oh c’mon. You both know we can’t step foot anywhere without a little fireworks happening.”

“We can’t, or you can’t?”

“Quiet, Legolas. Why don’t you worry about not getting shot.”

In the midst of choking out a Hydra agent with her thighs, Natasha finds time to roll her eyes. “Dying to the sound you two arguing like an old married couple is not on my bingo card for today. It’s bad enough I got stuck with the both of you by myself.”

Both men sputter.

“Well excuse me!”

“He started it!”

Natasha grits her teeth at the sickening crack of the agent’s neck following her twist. “Well I’m ending it.”

The moment she takes to catch her breath doesn’t last very long as she soon finds hydra agents surrounding her like ants coming out of a disturbed hill. She does a quick count in her head, and when she reaches twenty, she knows that she’s as good as fucked with Tony in the sky and Clint probably still on the other side of the compound.

“Guys. Could use a little help down here.”

There’s an explosion, and she looks up to see Tony zooming by in his suit, doing his best to deal with their enemy’s aerial attack.

“Sorry, Nat. These guys keep coming in hot.”

“I can be to your spot in about ninety seconds.”

“Yeah well. I’m not quite sure I have ninety seconds.”

Natasha draws her baton and prepares to mentally calculate how she’s going to deal with the literal hoard of agents slowly advancing on her. However, they don’t make it very far when there is a sudden blast of light that leaves everyone in the vicinity shielding their eyes.

When the dust clears, Natasha finds that the agents surrounding her have all been knocked back and dealt with. A small smile tugs at the corner of her lips when her eyes land on the source of the disruption. She would recognize that dramatic red cape in the wind anywhere.

“You always have to make a dramatic entrance, don’t you?”

Thor turns his head at the sound of her voice and grins. “It was enough, yes?” He pauses and points a finger to the sky. “I mean, I can go back and do it again, if it wasn’t dramatic enough for you.”

Rolling her eyes, Natasha oversteps the body of a fallen agent and retrieves their gun. “Save your theatrics for another time, big guy. We’ve got work to do.”

“Work to do?” Thor stands at her side and begins swinging his hammer. “You mean I don’t even get a thank you?”

Natasha scoffs. “You’re lucky I don’t kick your ass for leaving me to deal with Tony and Clint by myself in the first place.”

“What! You act like he doesn’t make it worse!” Tony cries through comms. “I mean, hey Thor. Great to have you here buddy, but what!”

Clint huffs. “I’m still failing to see how I’m a problem.”

Thor chuckles before turning his attention back to the woman at his side. “What do you say, Widow. Shall we keep count?”

Natasha smirks and looks up at him while cocking her newly acquired rifle. “Loser buys dinner?”

“Sounds fair to me.”

“But your little light show just then doesn’t count.”

“Aw, now that’s no fun!”

Natasha sighs tiredly as she finishes bandaging up her shoulder. Thankfully, she sustained nothing major and the wound to her shoulder was nothing more than a graze that looked worse off than it actually was. Overall, it was a successful mission. They’d left with their all of their extremities and successfully collapsed the base, taking care to harvest any major intel that may be of use to SHIELD.

Typically, Natasha is the first one to report into HQ following a mission completion, but she hadn’t been so eager this time around. If any of the boys had noticed it, they definitely didn’t say anything. At the time, she had been successful in riding the adrenaline high from the mission. Now that she’s back to being alone with her own thoughts, it’s a totally different story.

She pulls her phone out of her hoodie pocket and glances at it. She’s not surprised to see that she doesn’t have any messages or calls, but that doesn’t stop her heart from sinking. She knows that she has no right to feel this way and that she shouldn’t be expected anything after what she did, but that still doesn’t stop the constricting feeling that continuously creeps in her chest.

Her thoughts are interrupted by footsteps approaching, and she looks up to find Thor making his way into the common area lounge space she currently occupies. Instead of heading back to SHIELD, she had opted to hold up in the tower for a bit, just to get away from some of the cloudiness that she’s caused.

Having changed into a simple T-shirt and gym shorts he keeps at the tower for times he visits earth, he casually leans against the bar where Natasha is cleaning up the first aid kit.

“It seems oddly quiet around here.” He points out, taking note of how it’s just the two of them.

Nat shrugs a shoulder. “Steve and Banner are off doing their own thing. Tony’s probably downstairs somewhere blowing something up. Clint stepped away to take care of some family stuff. Probably making mushy faces at the baby.”

At this, Thor chuckles. “I’m surprised it is not you off somewhere making these so called ‘mushy faces’” he curls his fingers in air quotes, and he expects to have to dodge an incoming slap to the back of the head. When it doesn’t come, he takes note of how the woman had momentarily flinched. It was such a minuscule movement that if you blinked, you would miss it.

“Is something wrong?” He asks carefully, knowing he needs to initially tread lightly with things like this.

Natasha blinks, and when she looks up, she feels comfortable that her mask is in place. “Wrong? You mean aside from getting shot at and my wounded pride from having to buy you dinner?”

Even though she laughs, Thor doesn’t. He narrows his eyes and continues to observe her closely. “Ah Little Spider, you know I know you better than that.”

Clenching her jaw, Natasha finds herself fighting against the blush warming her ears at the same. When she makes eye contact with him, she knows that he can see right through her like a freshly washed window. It’s enough to have the blush at her ears slowly start to make its presence known on her face. She opens her mouth to say something, but the words don’t come and like many of times before today, she hides it.

“There’s nothing. Really.”

Thor hums, and slaps the table, seemingly satisfied, but Natasha knows otherwise. She knows that he knows better. She also knows that he has decided he isn’t going to press her own it and for that she’s thankful. Somehow she’s certain she’s somehow find a way to make things worse than they already are and she can’t stand two people she cares so deeply about looking at her with discontent.

“Well then. Shall we ready for dinner?” Thor announces before his face splits into a smug grin. “I’ve decided I have quite the taste for pizza.”

Natasha groans. “Of course you do.” She mumbles as she pulls her tablet in front of her to begin their order all the while cursing about having to feed a literal god. “Just so you know, you’re tipping the pizza guy. I’m not having him look at me weird because we’ve ordered fifteen boxes of fucking pizza.”

Thor simply throws an arm over her shoulders. “But what if that is part of our stipulation!” When Natasha shoots him a glare he laughs loudly. “Alright alright. I won’t push it.”

“Next time we have a competition we make it fair. No superpowers! Clean kills only.”

Thor waves a hand at her. “All this talk, and I still didn’t get one thank you for saving your ass. No matter. I will take my thanks in the form of extra pepperoni!”

Natasha flips him off as she continues to order.

“Rise and shine!”

Natasha jerks violently out of her sleep to find a giant hulking shadow standing over her. Her natural instincts would normally have her go on the offensive, but when she begins to make out that it’s an Asgardian oaf, she immediately relaxes. Her groggy look of surprise immediately morphs into a scowl.

“What the actual fuck are you doing!?”

“Waking you up. Obviously.” Thor states as if it’s the most normal thing in the world that he’s barged into her bedroom at, she glances at the clock, four fucking thirty in the damn morning.

Rubbing her eyes, Natasha starts plotting how she’s going to successfully kick his ass fifty ways of sideways when she feels him starting to pull the blankets off.

“Thor! It’s four in the morning!” She hisses, snatching her covers back. “What are you even doing here!? I thought you’d be back on Asgard by now!”

Thor puts his hands on his hips and huffs. “Nonsense. I figured I’d stick around for a bit since it’s been a while since I’ve spent time with my favorite group of mortals.” He reaches out and tugs at her blankets again, this time successfully pulling them off. “I found myself unable to rest, so come! We must train.”

“Train!?” Natasha shrieks, realizing that she’s not going to win a tug of war battle with the god.

The two days since the mission have been a bit of a blur for Nat. She hasn’t had anything particularly interesting going on as she opted to skulk around the tower. She had momentarily seen Bruce when he came by to check on whatever new mystery disaster he and Tony have been working on. There was also one unfortunate occasion where she had caught Pepper’s eye in the breakfast lounge. The woman had sent a look so scathing that it left the Black Widow herself feeling nothing short of two feet tall.

In the midst of that though, Nat was sure that Thor was due to disappear again since it didn’t appear he has any urgent business on earth. Well, until now. Apparently barging into her room and waking her up at ungodly hours of the night is his urgent business. 

“Come!” Thor urges her on as she begins to slowly move out of bed. “You will fight me.”

Natasha snorts and she moves to shove him to the door. “I don’t know about fighting you, but I’ll go to the gym with you. Get out so I can change. I’ll meet you there.”

Thor heads for the door and pauses to look at her. “How do I know you won’t crawl back into bed?”

“Because you already woke me up, asshole. Now get out of here so I can change before I change my mind.”

When she enters the gym, she finds Thor waiting for her by the sparring rings. She shakes her head and sighs as she approaches him.

“I already told you I’m not going to fight you.” She stops with her hands on her hips. “I’m good, but I’m not that good. I must’ve slept through Godly Combat 101 in the Red Room.”

It’s rare that Thor is taken aback and the joke does just that. He starts, and then makes a noise that sounds oddly like a cough and a squeak before he laughs nervously.

“Aheh-well-I mean-”

“Relax, big guy. I was kidding.” Nat rolls her eyes. “But I’m not kidding about not fighting you. Even I know when I’m outmatched.” 

As she eases the tension out of him, Thor’s shoulders relax. “Aye. It will be a fairer fight than you realize. I have never done well with hand to hand combat. Perhaps you can show me some things I can try, so we can make our competitions a bit more level in the future.”

Natasha narrows her eyes. She doesn’t buy it, but she doesn’t protest as she slips into the ring. She makes a note to dial it back quite a bit. There aren’t very many people who can match up with her in hand to hand. She’s kicked the ass of practically every SHIELD agent that walks those halls. The only person that’s ever succeeded in legitimately putting her on her ass is Maria.

Natasha’s eyebrows furrow.

“Natasha?”

Blinking, she looks up to find Thor watching her closely. “What? Yeah sorry. Sorry. Let’s get started. First, let’s see what you’ve got and we’ll go from there.”

Thor shrugs and nods before putting his fists up in what he assumes is a generic fighting stance. He doesn’t have time to do much else as she launches at him with speed that would rival a bullet. He barely has time to get up a reaction arm to block a kick aimed as his head, but he grunts when that same leg manages to land an almost immediate blow to his stomach.

“Odin’s beard,” he huffs. “Is this you going easy on me?”

“I’m literally not even trying,” Nat smirks. “You gonna try and attack me, big guy?”

Thor takes the bait and advances on her. She side steps with ease, using his one momentum against him to send him tumbling face first into the mat. Natasha’s smirk widens to devilish proportions as she hears him curse before pounding the mat and quickly hopping to his feet.

“I’m not sure how this is teaching me anything.”

“I’m not teaching you yet. I’m getting a feel on where I should start.”

And maybe getting a little payback for being woken up at the ass crack of dawn and having to fork over well over a hundred bucks for pizza.

Their sparring continues with Natasha throwing routine punches and kicks and Thor doing everything he can go stop them from landing. After a couple minutes of circling each other, it appears that he seems to be getting a feel for her movements when she aims an oddly familiar kick towards his head and he manages to catch her ankle in his grip.

He holds her ankle and doesn’t let go, freezing her in what could easily be a ballerina’s pose.

“What troubles you, Little Spider?”

The words are spoken so suddenly and so gently that they take Natasha completely off guard. When she looks at him, she finds him watching her with genuine care and concern and it’s enough to make her throat tighten momentarily. She swallows the lump threatening to form and shakes her head.

“I told you it’s nothing.”

Thor hums and twists her ankle. She easily follows through with the motion and shifts her body weight enough so she can land a low kick to his knee. He grunts and releases her, and this time he is quick enough to dodge her attack as he jumps at her attempt to take his legs out from under him.

“And I can take one look at you and know that you are lying.” He states firmly, watching her closely as she gets back to her feet. “You cannot hide from me, Natasha. No matter how much you wish to believe you can.”

Their relationship is odd on paper and they both know that. Anyone can look at them and know they are polar opposites. A stealthy assassin and a boisterous thunder god? Sounds like the plot to a bad B rated film.

They had met for the first time during the formation of the Avengers during Loki’s declaration of war. Natasha had wanted to kick Thor’s head in for even being associated with the mad man. Not to mention, the way he had swept in, cape and hair blowing like he stepped out of some douchebag All-in-1 men’s wash commercial. The mere sight of him had made Natasha want to vomit.

Somewhere, something had changed. It was how he didn’t look at her like someone who was less than him when he had seen her hold her own in battle. It was how he had been there apologetically as she dealt with the aftermath of bringing Clint back from Loki’s madness and how he had gently counseled her following their shared encounter with the Hulk.

Maybe their polar opposites are what makes them work. She has always viewed Clint as the annoying brother who she knows will always have her back even if he’s the one that helped her get into trouble in the first place. Though she will never admit it out loud or to his face, it’s almost as if Thor the older brother she knows she can look to for protection and wisdom. It has been at his behest, after all, that she even took a chance with Maria in the first place. 

Natasha’s momentary lapse in focus leaves her open and Thor manages to surprise once again her by catching one of her attempts at a grapple. He flips her over his back and she lands on her back with a thud that only momentarily takes the wind out of her. She stares at him standing over here and she squeezes her eyes shut.

“I broke up with Maria.”

“What!?”

Thor’s loud exclamation is followed by a Natasha kip up and she lands a well placed punch right in the center of his nose.

“Sons of Helheim!” He exclaims, his hands flying to cover his nose. When he pulls his hands away and confirms there’s no blood, he fixes her with a scowl. “What the bloody hell for!?”

Natasha opens her mouth but can’t find the words. Instead, she snaps her mouth shut and she shrugs a shoulder.

“No no. You don’t get to do that,” Thor shakes his head. “Have you lost your mind?”

“I didn’t tell you so you could judge me for it,” she hisses. “Now are we going to fight or not.”

“We are not.” Thor straightens up. “That is what you have been slumping around about? Calling it nothing? My gods, Natasha, what happened?”

“I happened, okay? I happened. Now can you just drop it?”

“How am I supposed to drop something like this? When I last left you two everything was fine! This doesn’t make any sense!”

“Look, I told her I just couldn’t do it, alright? No harm. No foul. It’s done. We’re done.”

“My gods, Natasha. You are a fool.”

The crack of Natasha’s palm hitting the side of his face echoes throughout the gym. The slap was more noise than anything else, and she’s pissed as all hell that it certainly doesn’t make her feel better what with the way he doesn’t even flinch. Her fists curl hard at her sides as she can feel a familiar and unpleasant stinging in her eyes.

Thor’s brow is still furrowed deeply but he relaxes his arms where they had been folded tightly across his chest. “Forgive me. I should not have said that.”

Nat finds her shoulders dropping as she drops her gaze to the mat. “No. You’re actually right,” she chuckles darkly and shakes her head. “I am a fucking fool, and Maria deserves better than that. She deserves better than me.”

To Thor’s surprise, she slowly lowers herself to the mat and takes a seat. She braces her arms on her knees and stares off blankly at nothing in particular. He joins her and sits patiently, waiting for her to make the next move to continue, I’d she even continues at all.

Natasha’s voice is rough as she speaks no matter how many times she tries to clear her throat. “I fucking told her in a text message. I couldn’t even bear to look at her and tell her to her face. I just texted her and did what I do best. I fucking ran. Now? There’s no doubt that she hates me and I’ve got no one to blame but myself for that.”

“But why?” Thor prods gently. “I have never seen you so…happy? The smile she brought to your face, it’s unmatched by anything else. Why run from that?”

Unable to contain it any longer, Natasha feels the warm trickle of tears as the finally fall down her cheeks. She shakes her head and digs her palms into her eyes in an attempt to stave them off, but it doesn’t nothing against the sob that slips past her lips.

“I told her I loved her. I don’t even remember thinking about saying it. We were just laying there and I was looking at her and it just…it happened. It just slipped out.”

“Well…did you mean it?”

“Of course I meant it. That’s why I’m here. I know I meant it with everything that I have, and that just makes it all the more difficult because I know it shouldn’t be like this. I’m not capable of being what that encompasses. Who can exist in a world where they are loved by the Black Widow? Who can deal with the demons of my past and the unknowns of my future? It’s dangerous to be loved by me.”

Thor’s brows furrow tightly as he watches the rare sight before him. He can count on one hand the times he’s seen Natasha cry and they certainly weren’t anything like this. He finds himself wishing he could do more to take away her anguish, but he knows this is something she must figure out on her own.

“In this life we live, it is a danger to not only our loved ones, but to ourselves.” He hums quietly. “Lady Hill is as intelligent as she is strong. She had never struck me as one to shy away from any sort of risk. Especially when it comes to you.”

Wiping her eyes, Nat sniffles and when she speaks her voice is a hoarse whisper. “Everything I have ever cared about is always taken away. Everything I touch, I destroy. I can’t do that to her, Thor. I can’t.”

“And you won’t.” Thor takes a chance and reaches an arm out to place a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You are capable of more than you realize. Your heart is pure. I know that as a fact.”

Natasha scoffs bitterly and looks away. She’s not going to argue with him. She knows what she is and she knows the things she’s capable of. She’s subject herself to a hundred different ways of torture before she let anything happen to Maria because of her.

Thor grunts his dissatisfaction before he stands to his feet. “Come.” He says gruffly, not waiting for her to follow as he exits the sparring ring.

Natasha doesn’t know why she humors him. She’s still sour that he got her up in the first place and there’s an uncomfortable twist in her stomach as she comes to terms with everything she’s just admitted out loud. She tells herself that she’s not following him and she’s simply going to offer a quick goodbye and make her escape. Immediately, she stops in her tracks as she watches Thor outstretch a hand and summon Mjolnir. 

Raising her eyebrows, Nat watches as he turns his back and continues to walk away from her. “Okay…?” she murmurs.

He is about five yards away when he suddenly turns. She doesn’t even have time to say as Thor’s movements are quick and he’s suddenly heaving the hammer with all his might in her direction. Natasha’s eyes widen and her instincts don’t kick in fast enough for her to roll out of the way. On a reflex, she puts a hand up, to shield her face from the oncoming blow.

Except it never comes.

Natasha’s face scrunches as she hears a feint hum just centimeters away from her head. When she moves her hand, she finds the hammer stalled in midair as if suspended by invisible lines she can’t see. Up close, she can see that it emits a feint glow from the etchings of a language she doesn’t recognize.

“Thor, what is this?” She whispers quietly, momentarily taking her eyes off the hammer to see her friend still standing across the room. Her frown deepens when she realizes his hands are at his sides and he doesn’t at all look surprised.

A small, almost prideful smile tugs at the corner of Thor’s lips. “Go on.” He says softly as he gives a small nod.

Natasha’s eyes flit back to the hammer and she feels likes she’s moving in slow motion as she raises a hand to grab it. She flinches and actually takes a step back, but keeps her grasp at the hilt. It’s almost weightless but still holds a nice balance as any good weapon should.

It is in rare occasion that she is ever rendered speechless, and she’s so caught in her awe, that she jumps when she sees that Thor has now joined her. His voice is soft as he speaks.

“‘For whoever shall hold this hammer, if she be worthy, shall posses the power of Thor.’” His face then breaks into a grin. “Your heart is pure, Natasha. Mjolnir would not have chosen you, otherwise. You are worth so much more than you reduce yourself to, and you are worthy of all good things. Including love.”

Natasha swallows as she continues to stare at Mjolnir in her hand. She has seen countless times Thor use this very weapon against enemies three times their size. She’s seen it subdue the Hulk. Hell, she’s seen it be the cause of many shattered egos by decorated men who just knew they could lift it.

“How did you know?” She asks after finally finding her voice.

“I didn’t know for sure, but I had a pretty strong feeling. All of the gatherings I have brought it out, you were the only one I don’t recall having tried.”

At this, Nat snorts. “Because I didn’t want to be apart of your dick measuring contests.”

Thor chuckles. “Yes, well. I would like to think that I am a fairly good judge of character. It is my hammer after all.”

“Still…” Nat murmurs, shaking her head before she casually tosses the hammer back in Thor’s direction. “If it were to happen to anyone, I would say it was Steve.”

“Ah, Steve.” Thor hums as he places his hammer at his side. “His heart is good, but a good heart is not the only parameter to make someone worthy.”

Natasha drops her gaze. She had fully expected him to make another speech, not full on throw a magical hammer at her head to prove a point.

Her next movements take her by surprise. She’s suddenly rushing forward, throwing her arms around him as much as their size difference will allow. She can feel his surprise that eventually fades as his arms come around her to hold her tight. Their relationship has always consisted of the occasional shoulder jab here or even the more intimate comforting pat there. Hugs, though, those are about as rare as Natasha’s tears.

“Lady Hill is a lucky woman. You both are.”

Natasha steps out of the embrace and chuckles lowly as she wipes her eyes. “I’m not sure there’s anyway I can fix this. I doubt she can even look at me.”

Thor hums. “An apology will certainly go a long way, but I trust that the two of you will find your way to each other. It has to work. After all, Lady Hill is the only person I’ve seen able to best you in a match. I’m sure I’m going to be sore for at least a week.”

Natasha rolls her eyes and makes a face. “You can call her Maria, you know.”

“No. I don’t know that, because she hasn’t told me herself that I can call her that.” When Natasha simply arches a brow at him, he throws his hands up. “She scares me, Natasha! You know that!”

“Yeah well, believe it or not, she scares me too.” Nat says quietly before her eyes drift back to Mjolnir. “Thor, the uh…the hammer thing. Do you think we can keep that just between us?”

Thor blinks absently for a moment before his eyebrows shoot up. “Oh! Yes, of course. Well I mean, unless you would like to use it in our next battle. It may help you keep up.”

Natasha’s eyes narrow and she swats him before she turns to head for the exit. “You might wanna watch yourself, big guy. It’d be a shame if that thing came flying at your head when you least expect it.”

Thor gulps and if he finds himself gripping his hammer just a bit tighter from here on out, he certainly doesn’t tell anyone.

It’s a rainy and chilly mid-morning that Natasha finds herself trekking through the halls of the Triskelion. Well, pacing is more like it. She’s walked past the same conference room and the same sets of vending machines more times that she could care to count.

Sixteen. But she’s definitely not counting.

It has been an internal battle all morning to not just tuck her tail and run, but that’s what got her into this mess in the first place. She knows she can’t do anymore running. She’s spent the entirety of her life on the run, and somehow this very moment terrifies her more than anytime she’s stared death right in the face.

Her heart is just about in her throat when she approaches the office with ‘M. Hill’ etched into the name plate. She’s thankful that the halls are quiet because she has no idea how long she stands there with her forehead pressed against the door and her fist poised to knock.

She doesn’t know what makes her do it, but suddenly she’s knocking and Natasha feels like her feet are stuck in cement. Her instincts are telling her to run, but she’s screaming at herself to do everything she can to fight it. Even after she hears the curt ‘come in’, she finds herself unable to move.

Knowing she only has a matter of time before Maria checks the security cameras to see who is lingering on the other side of her door, she swallows her nerve and turns the knob. Poking her head in, she finds Maria typing away on her computer. If it were any other circumstance, she would take the opportunity to enjoy the view. The way the other woman’s hair falls in her eyes after a long day despite a dubious daily routine to keep it neat. The way the sun softens her otherwise sharper features. Just a mere fraction of the things Nat could list that she loves about her.

When Maria looks up to address her guest, her shock is immediate, but it only shows by her eyes widening just a fraction. Immediately, that shock is replaced by a coldness. She sets her jaw tightly before folding her hands atop her desk.

“Agent Romanoff.” Maria nods curtly.

“Hey, uh,” Natasha clears her throat. “Hey…”

When there’s nothing more, Maria simply arches an eyebrow. Her eyes flit momentarily to notice Natasha’s nervous tells of the subtle shift of her weight and the ringing of her hands. She can practically feel the tension radiating off her in waves.

“Well?”

Swallowing thickly, Nat momentarily glances at the floor. “I, we, you…ugh…” she heaves a great sigh and shakes her head. “I was wondering if you had a minute? So we could, you know…talk?”

Maria sets her jaw and straightens in her chair.

“No.”

Natasha’s eyes widen because she had certainly expected to be told off but the sharp decline was something she hadn’t exactly planned for. She doesn’t know if she wants to sink into the floor or run. She would prefer the latter, but she currently feels like she’s been welded to the floor.

“Oh, okay. I-I can go.” She stutters out, even though she makes no motion to leave.

Maria studies her for a moment before she sighs tiredly. “I have a meeting in the next,” she pauses to check the time. “Three minutes. But…” she takes a much needed deep breath for courage of her own. “I may have a free moment afterwards. If it can wait.”

Natasha finds herself aimlessly nodding in agreement. “No, yeah that…wow. Yeah that works.” She takes a pause and glances around the office. “Do you mind if I wait here?”

Maria opens her mouth to protest but she stops herself because she knows the woman in front of her like the back of her hand. She knows that if given the opportunity, if Natasha walks out her door, there’s a strong possibility that she’ll never see her again. Despite the pain in her chest from even seeing the other woman walk through that door, she knows this is a conversation that needs to happen. It’s a conversation she asked for.

“That’s fine,” she relents, waving a hand towards the couch in her office.

As she turns her attention back to her computer for her virtual meeting, her eyes do momentarily flicker to Natasha occasionally shifting uncomfortably on her couch. Refocusing on her screen, she sighs internally as she knows this meeting can’t end soon enough.

It feels like hours before Natasha feels herself brought back to earth. In reality, it’s only been about forty-five minutes, but for about forty of those minutes she’s been completely lost in her own head. She could swear there were a few times where she and Maria would make eye contact in the middle of the conference call, but she wouldn’t be shocked if she was imagining things.

She jumps when she feels the couch dip, and she glances to her left to find Maria sitting far on the other side. Her hands are clasped tightly in her lap as she stares dead ahead at the wall. For a long time, neither of them move or speak and Nat knows she has to finally step off the cliff.

“Thanks for seeing me,” she murmurs quietly, not knowing where else to begin.

Maria hums. “Well. I suppose given your track record of disappearing acts, this could be one of the last times I’d ever speak to you. Lest you decide to suddenly become a ghost again.”

Natasha winces as the words are spoken with cold ease. “I deserve that.”

“No.” Maria says sharply. “You deserve way more than that but seeing as I’m not interested in dragging this out any longer, I figured we would just get right to it.”

“Right…” Natasha murmurs quietly, hanging her head as she continues to play with her fingers. Finally, she takes a deep breath.”

“I love you.”

Maria scoffs. “You have a very strange way of showing that.”

Natasha snaps her head to the side with her brow furrowed deeply. “Please?” She pleads quietly. “Please, let me finish.” Seeing Maria nod, she goes on.

“I love you, and that’s why I ran. I’m not capable of something like that. At least, I never knew that I could be. After all this time, I still have this weight hanging over me. What if the deprogramming didn’t work all the way? What if one day I go back to the way that I was?” Her voice drops to a broken whisper. “You can’t be in love with the Black Widow.”

“And if I am?”

Natasha looks up to find once cold blue eyes looking at her, shinning with unshed tears.

“Maria—”

“No.” She turns on the couch to face Natasha fully. “What you fail to realize is, I love you despite what you were. The Black Widow, Natasha Romanoff…Natalia Romanova. All I have ever wanted was all of you as you are.”

Natasha doesn’t know when she started crying but she’s unable to stop the onslaught of tears that start flowing down her cheeks.

“I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you because of me.”

“Nat,” Maria reaches over and gently grasps Natasha’s hand in her own. Her brow furrows when she’s made to realize just how much the other woman is shaking. “I’m a big girl. I think I can handle whatever is thrown our way.”

Our way.

Natasha doesn’t miss the way those words make her heart jump.

“Masha…” she whispers quietly while clutching Maria’s hand like her life depends on it. “I know that I hurt you, and no amount of apologizing will fix that. I don’t deserve to ask this, but can I fix this?”

Maria lets out a shaky breath. Since the day Natasha walked away from her, she has spent more time crying that she would care to admit. A part of her is screaming for her to protect her heart, but the sincerity and innocence in the eyes of the woman she loves is enough to melt any wall she tries to put in place.

“It’s gonna take some time, Nat.” She murmurs honestly, but she turns her hands over the interlace their fingers. “But I’m definitely willing to try.”

“What if we start over?”

“Start over?”

“Yeah, wait.” Natasha scrambles to her feet and makes a beeline for the door.

Maria blinks dumbly as she hears a series of knocks on her office door. Her mouth hangs open for a second, before she calls out a confused “Come in?”

She watches as Natasha slinks into her office, signature smirk in place and Maria’s confusion morphs into humor as Natasha saunters up to her.

“Agent Romanova,” Maria nods, trying to keep the humor out of her voice as she stands from the couch and places her hands behind her back. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

Natasha’s smirk widens as she steps into Maria’s space and angles her head up. “Likewise, Commander.”

Maria shudders. Something about the way Nat uses her accented voice will never fail to send chills down her spine for all the right reasons.

“Is there something I can do for you, Agent?” 

“There is. I was hoping that I could convince the great Commander Hill to abandon her work and join me for dinner.”

Maria is unable to contain her snort that turns into a full-on laugh. “Oh, you know that is not how our first meeting went.”

Natasha finds herself unable to contain her own laughter. “No, it definitely wasn’t. Our first meeting I think I might have punched you in the face?”

“Might have!?” Maria cries out. “Nat, you broke my nose!”

“Semantics.” Natasha shrugs with an almost sheepish grin replacing her smirk. “It might not be how our first meeting went, but I’d like it to be? If you’re interested?”

Maria knows that she’s one of maybe three people who are allowed to see this genuine smile. It replaces the smug grins and the all-knowing smirks. Something about it is so shy and innocent and just so naturally Natasha. If she can sound a bit cliche, it definitely leaves butterflies taking flight in her stomach.

“How about Friday?” She murmurs, gently taking Nat’s hand in her own. “Seven sound okay?”

“Perfect. I’ll pick you up.”

“Oooh look at you. Ever the gentleman.”

Natasha chuckles quietly but instead of saying anything, she simply lifts their joined hands and places a gentle kiss to the back of Maria’s. She knows she has a lot of work to do on herself, but she’s going to stop at nothing to make sure the woman in front of her knows just how much she loves her.

“You deserve it and so much more,” Natasha’s whispers as she places another kiss to Maria’s hand.

“We both do.”