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he sat in his bedroom with his knees to his chest and on the floor at the edge of his bed. y/n was at work currently and it left him a lot of free time.
recently, he's been a lot snappier at y/n, and it's never been intentional. due to his past with his family, he struggles with showing affection and being around y/n so often did not help.
it was around the time of alluka's birthday, which meant killua soon had to visit his family, and this got him on edge and anxious.
it was never y/n's fault, and he always apologized after a squabble, but it just became so frequent that it started to effect their relationship. it went from an argument once every few weeks to him always finding something to bicker and criticize about every time him and y/n were home together.
it got to a point where y/n has spent nights at her friends' houses and apartments because killua went too far and he always feels awful after.
he started overthinking everything: "am i a terrible boyfriend?"; "i'm turning into the monster they wanted,"; "she probably hates me now,"; and so many other plaguing thoughts. while he knew they were justified, he found so much comfort in and with y/n and he loved her so dearly. it's just the way he was taught to love was so toxic and he had to start from scratch.
y/n knew this, which is why she never officially left killua, and why she tried to assist him whenever she could.
killua was so in love with her, and he knew how much she loved him. her commitment and love shined through with every belittling thing he said and her staying with him.
though it started to appear toxic, y/n knew what she was getting into when she became his friend: he's broken and needs someone to piece him back together.
killua stood up and walked to his white painted spruce wood door and unlocked it. he walked to the kitchen and stood in front of his kitchen sink. he started shaking and he grabbed his arms and slid his fingernails down in an attempt to calm himself and control himself.
he kept doing this—the scratches going from something light to getting deeper and deeper as he started hyperventilating.
as he was doing this, she walked in and her smile quickly fell along with her bags as she rushed over to killua's side.
killua looked at her with such fear in his eyes. he was shaking uncontrollably and his breathing—though he wasn't hyperventilating anymore—hitched when he heard the door open and saw the h/c girl walk through it.
"woah, woah, woah killua! what the hell is going on here?" she freaked out as she pulled killua's hands away from his arms.
he just looked at her with fear and tears swelling up in his eyes.
all he could muster was a "i'm so sorry y/n. i am so, so sorry," before he hid in her chest.
she held him softly in her arms as she lowered the two down to the floor next to the cabinets.
after a few minutes, the sobbing calmed and killua raised his head.
"hey, bud," she whispered.
"hi," he shakily muttered as he tried wiping his tears.
"do you want to tell me about it?" she asked.
normally, killua would full out say no and not want to talk but he felt that it was needed.
"s-sure," he stuttered. he started talking about his hopeless hate he felt for himself and his family. he opened up about why he had been treating her so terribly the past few days and apologized a ton for it. "i made a bloody mess in the kitchen sink," he chuckled.
"how, why?" she asked.
his chuckle disappeared and he replied, "i tried to fix myself, but i didn't think."
"okay, i understand. i just want to talk with you. i want to walk you through," she softly said, moving her hand to his tear stained cheek and rubbing small circles into it.
he looked at her so sorrowfully and said, "i can't be what you need, what you deserve, y/n. and i am so sorry."
she shushed him and placed some small kisses on his cheeks and forehead before pulling him into a hug.
"it's okay, kil'. i love you," she comforted.
"like a dog," he mumbled. he knew her love for him was almost endless, completely unconditional. "you belong in a dream, y/n. you're unworldly kind and beautiful and i just plague you daily with my issues and you deserve the utmost perfection and you got stuck with me," he cried out, tears streaming again as she pulled him into her chest.
"kil', i am not stuck with you. i chose to be here because i love and care about you. you deserve to feel what real, healthy love feels like. i'm so sorry you never got it as a child and now you're so anxious to see your family that you can't even control yourself. you don't deserve to have this trauma. you deserve peace, and i want to give you that, okay?" she told the white haired boy.
he looked up, his crystal blues sparkling more than usual with tears glossed over them. "i love you, y/n. please know i forever love you."
"i love you too."