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I don’t like Jackson? Why don’t I like Jackson? I’m broken. I grip my mug of tea tighter. I want to throw it against the wall and watch it shatter. But when you’re the mayor’s granddaughter, you can’t do anything that shows your emotions. You’re in public, Charlie, Behave. Instead, I take a sip. It’s cold and disgusting. How long have I been sitting here? It’s raining outside now too. I can hear it, hitting the roof. “Ms. Westerville, are you all right?” One of the waiters asks. She has a British accent. No, I want to say. But I won’t open up to some random person working in a coffee shop.“Yes, I was actually just leaving.” I respond
I grab my bag and stand up. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Ms.” Oh this bullshit again. The ‘oh she must be fragile’. WELL MAYBE I WOULDNT BE FRAGILE IF MY PARENTS DIDNT DIE. How about that, Susan. I keep my mouth shut though. “I said I’m good.”
I walk out of the door. I go to stand in the overhang. I look down. Why can’t I stabilize my hands? The thoughts come flooding back. I am broken. I am broken. I am broken. It becomes stronger and stronger each time. It’s unavoidable really. I cannot be alone right now. I go to grab my phone but I miscalculate and it goes flying into the street. I stand still, not knowing what to do. A car comes by. There is a loud cracking noise. The dam seems to break then. I let out a long scream. I punch the wall. See, Charlie, this is why no one can stand you.
The tears start streaming. My hand hurts. No big deal, i’ll go to the preston’s garage, it’s only 10 mintues away. They have a old phone. The walk ends up being much longer than I remember. My grandpa sold his car a couple years ago so we have no use for garages anymore. My grandpa stopped driving when my parents died. Shit, you’ve made yourself sad again. Stop crying, you wimp. I walk another five minutes before the red door of the prestons garage comes in to view. I walk straight in the open door. The sounds of car construction fill my ears. This is why I haven’t been here for so long. I hate it here. “Charlie?” Parker Preston calls. Parker is about my age. 18 and insanely tall. “Charlie you really can’t be in here.” Bullshit. He just doesn’t want me around cars after what happened last year. “I really need to use your phone.” I tell him. He comes face to face with me. “Sorry, Char. The phone is for costumers only. And unless you’re planning on buying a car, you’re not one of them.” He’s not sorry. He hates my guts.
“You really don’t want to mess with me right now, Parker. I’ve had the worst day of my life since my parents funeral and I’m trying really hard not to yell at anyone right now.” He wipes blood off my knuckle. He laughs “What, did you loose a fight to a wall?“ He jokes. I’m trying so hard not to punch him in the face. I move closer. “Careful, you missed a spot.” He reaches up to my nose and a grab his arm and pull it behind him. He groans. “I won’t let go till you let me use the goddamn phone.” I smile at him. I count 15 seconds before he gives in. “Ok ok, i’ll let you use the phone just let me go.” I let go of my grip on his arm. “Thank you.” I mock him. I walk to where the phone is. “She’s a total psychopath.” I hear Parker say. I am a terrible person. What did I just do? C’mon Charlie, you’re out of it. Just dial the number and be over with it.
I dial the only number I know by heart. Please pick up. He picks up on the second ring. “Hi?” “It’s Charlie.” I reply “Hey Charlie, what’s up?” I take a shuddery breath. “Can you pick me up? I really can’t be alone right now.” I beg. “What happened?” He asks. His voice is laced with concern. “I’m at the prestons garage. I can’t explain right now but I just feel like i’m going to do something stupid.” He’s shifting, standing up. I listen to his foot prints. “Do you need me to stay on the line?” He asks. I look around. “No, i’ll be fine.” I reply. “Charlie, I-“ I hang up. I don’t really want to hear what he had to say next. I walk away from the phone. “How was your phone call, princess?” Parker jeers. I turn around and look him dead in the eye. “What, were you calling your boyfriend or something?” He laughs. “Why? Are you that bothered by the fact that someone could like me?” I shoot back. Something changes in Parkers face. Oh god, what did I just say. “Pfft why would I be bothered by someone liking you?” He tries to recover. “Mhm.” I reply, uncertain, “There is no reason that should bother you.” I finish. I start walking away from him. He tries to follow me and stumbles over a pile of boxes. “Stupid boxes.” I hear him say under his breath. Neil’s car is pulling up now. “B-but ju-just for the record, do you have a boyfriend?” Parker stutters, He’s walking closer to me now so I make a run for Neil’s car. I jump in the passenger seat and slam the door. “Charlie are you-“ I interupt. “Drive!” I yell. He looks out my window at Parker, who is saying things I can’t hear, and obeys.
After we get away from the garage, Neil starts going a safe pace. “I don’t want to pressure you but what happened?” He asks me. “I’ll talk about it when we get out of the car.” I tell him. We stay silent for the rest of the drive. I try not to think of what happened. I fail. Neil keeps looking at me, then looking away. See, he’s worried about you, because you’re just a fragile little girl. Neil stops. The car ride is over, you’ll have to tell him. I hop out if the car. Neil comes after me. “My parents aren’t home.” He states. At first I don’t get it. But then I realize. He probably just wants the best for me. He unlocks the door. The house looks different from what it looked like a year ago. Has it been that long? I stand in the middle of the room, just staring. Theres two family pictures on a table. One with Neil, his mom and his dad. In the second one theres him, his mom (again) and the mom he calls mami. They look happier in the second one. I wish could be like him. He looks so happy “Charlie?” Neil interupts my thoughts. “I’m coming.” I say and tear my eyes away from the family pictures. We go upstairs and sit on his bed.
“So…” He says. “Jacksonaskedmeout.” I blurt. “What????” Neil exclaimed. He doesn’t look surprised. “Jackson asked me out.” I repeat. “No, I got that part. That’s great!” Neil wasn’t getting it. I shake my head. “What?” He asks. “I don’t like him back, Neil. I don’t like him back and I don’t get why I don’t. I… I hurt him.” The feeling is flooding my senses again. The tears came back again before I could stop them. “Charlie it’s ok. You don’t like him. That’s fine.” I’m a monster. “No. No it’s not. I don’t like Jackson. And now my phone is smashed. And I can never go back to sugar and beans again. And Parker Preston has a crush on me and my grandma is going to die of a cold. And I’ll never be able to talk to anyone in this godforsaken town ever again. Because the person who was supposed to be my best friend hasn’t had a conversation with me in a year.” I scream. Neils mouth drops open. “Charlie-.” “I wasn’t finished.” I interrupt. Well I wasn’t technically interupting. His eyes didn’t meet mine. “I’m broken, Neil. I’ve never liked anyone in my life.” I finally say. “Oh Charlie-” Neil starts “Everyone around me is falling in love and leaving me behind.” I finish. Neil takes a deep breath. “I know it’s hard, Charlie. The first years of highschool were really hard for me. I was alone a lot. But look at me now. I know it’s hard to be queer in highschool but I believe in you. You can do this.” He declared. “You’re not like me Neil. You’ve never had to deal with this. You like Theo. I don’t like Jackson, I don’t like Parker and I didn’t like Ben. Three people have liked me and I haven’t liked any of them. I feel broken.”
Neil does something unexpected then. He hugs me. It’s a little weird I admit. I don’t like being hugged. But he’s so warm. I just sit there. Letting him hug me. “You’re not broken, Charlie. I know I haven’t been the best friend in the last couple years but I promise that from now on I’ll always be there for you. I’m so sorry that you have had to go through this alone. But you don’t need to be alone anymore.” This feels right. This feels good. I’ll have to go back home soon, but for now I’ll focus on what I have. Him.