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There's this lump in Kallus’s throat that he can't seem to choke down as his fingers gently trace over the beadwork of the necklace he made. Sitting on the desk in Zeb & Ezra’s shared room on The Ghost, he crosses one leg over the other as he stares blankly at the door. Trying to put out the fire that attacks his nerve endings.
He had spent hours learning how to stitch beads together. Hours more trying to figure out a pattern he deemed good enough for Zeb, one that he thought the warrior would like in style, color, and functionality. And even more hours pulling the damned thing apart and restitching it repeatedly. He had settled on something more similar to a choker, to hug closely to his neck and would hide comfortably under his armor plate. The beads are stitched together tightly, with enough length to the necklace itself so that it wouldn't be uncomfortable. It's a variety of blues, ones that remind him of the serene silence of a midnight in a Lothal field. There's a cluster of yellow beads in the center of the necklace that remind Kallus of the meteorite that Zeb had given him, the one he had kept in his quarters for the remainder of his time in the empire.
Kallus tries to swallow the lump in his throat as he fiddles with the clasp. Nothing he does can budge that lump as he chews on the inside of his cheeks.
This is his first time ever giving someone something. He himself has only ever received two gifts in his life. And he isn't even sure if that's what he can be allowed to call them. One being a tradition he still feels that he had no right taking part in looking back on. And the other a gesture of kindness that was given to him in his darkest hour.
Taking a deep breath, Kallus focuses on trying to will back the spiraling thoughts and the accompanying heat of tears that burn his face and threaten to turn on a faucet.
This is stupid.
He still doesn't know how to give this to Zeb. Or what he should say.
'Hey, I was thinking about you and I made you this.'
The thought makes Kallus want to instead avoid interacting with Zeb all together.
'I wanted to give you a token of my deepest appreciation. You're an absolute force to be reckoned with in this world and I'm grateful to have had the privilege of meeting you.'
No. Absolutely not.
Maybe he can see if Sabine, Ezra, or Cassian would be willing to cut out his tongue. He won't have to worry about saying anything if he's mute. He won't have to worry about fucking this up because he can't just say, 'I wanted to make you something, I hope you like it, it's alright if not.'
Kallus runs his fingers through his hair, the necklace trembling in his other hand.
No. That's him that's trembling.
Karabast.
This was a bad idea, I should just leave.
Right as Kallus is about to get off the desk, the door swishes open, making Kallus’s body go rigid, freezing him to the spot. There stands the man that has been the only thing he's been able to think about the past few weeks. The past few days especially. To the point where he needed to lessen his hours in the HQ. Because Garazeb Orrelios has the ability to distract him even when he isn't physically next to him.
And he's only realized why the past few days.
This was most certainly the worst idea. I need to think of a way out.
Kallus tries to clear his throat as he slips the necklace into his pocket. Zeb had been just as shocked to see Kallus here.
"My apologies, I had just needed to find a place to think clearly. I lost track of time." Kallus slips off of the desk, avoiding Zeb’s eyes. Because, stars, if he looks into those eyes he will lose whatever little bit of sense he has left. "I'll release your room back to you, Garazeb," Kallus masks his panic with a chuckle. If there's anything Kallus can do, it's the ability to sound so full of himself when he is centimeters away from fraying apart.
Seeming to finally find his own voice, Zeb steps in Kallus’s path to the door. Kallus has to keep his eyes pointedly staring at Zeb’s lips, the smile that sits there for him.
Stars, this was such an awful idea.
"Hey, since you need to think, how 'bout we take it outside and have an old-fashioned sparring session?"
Kallus has to restrain himself from moving closer into Zeb's warmth, his own just dancing right on the edge with Zeb’s voice being such a tempting invitation. "Sorry, but I'm quite exhausted." He forces a smug grin as he rips his gaze from Zeb’s lips to one of the tips of his ears, "it would be giving you an unfair advantage. But I suppose you'd need it, considering the outcome of our last spar." Kallus thinks back to their last spar, the reason why he hasn't been able to focus the past few days. And the lump in his throat grows larger, almost choking him now.
I really need to stop. I'm falling into this too deep. If Kallus keeps going like this, the chances of him doing something astronomically stupid are certain. And he'll end up ruining the friendship he's built with Zeb. And on the other hand, Kallus absolutely will not start shutting Zeb out. He refuses to cause the man any more heartache than he's already done.
Zeb chuckles, "Sounds like an excuse to me, you know you only won that round because Kassa was there to help you by taunting me."
Cassian was actually trying to get me to confess. I told him I would bury him myself. He just laughed at me, of course.
Instead of admitting to that, Kallus snorts as he meets Zeb’s gaze with a smirk, "Now who's the one making excuses?"
Karabast! Kallus just made, quite possibly, his biggest mistake today. His breath hitches as he stares into the singing light in Zeb’s eyes. That thrilled look of accomplishment.
"There's those golden hues I was looking for." The smirk that had been on Kallus’s lips slips onto Zeb’s, and Kallus feels as if he’s just been caught red handed. "Now, you wanna tell me what you've been up to the past few days, Alitha?"
There's that word again. What does it mean? Why does my gut drop when he says it? Why do I want to hear it again when it could be nothing?
The fire on his nerves flare and wisp up his skin, threatening him with dangerous, thoughtless actions, all just one fight or flight trigger away from becoming a reality.
In a panic, Kallus shoves something into Zeb's chest.
It takes him a moment to realize it's the necklace.
Karabast!
"Made this." He has to choke out the words, but still accomplishable with the heat of Zeb’s gaze off of his own and to the piece of jewelry now in his hands. "For you!" Kallus adds a moment later than what was probably socially acceptable. "I wanted to get you something and I, well, I didn't know what you'd… It took…" Kallus desperately tries to stop tripping over his words.
Zeb mutters something that Kallus can't quite hear over his own babbling. "Come again? Sorry."
The brightest smile in the galaxy spreads over Zeb’s lips. "I said, 'I love it.' I didn't know you had such talent in beadwork!" There's an excitement to Zeb’s voice that makes Kallus melt in the spot he stands.
"I didn't…" he trails dumbly as he watches Zeb quickly unclasp the hook. "I, I just learned. Cassian said he used to when he was younger and he taught me what he knew." The smile on Zeb’s face never falters once as he quickly brings the beaded work up to his neck, clasping it in a second. "I know it's probably nothing too impressive, this is a skill still very new-"
"Are you kidding me? Al, it took me months to learn how to do this stitch and I still don't know how to get the tension right." One of Zeb’s fingers travels over the thin panel, Kallus still left basking in the light of Zeb’s glee. "It was a common thing taught to all lasat, but I was more suited for my rank in the honor guard than I was for one of an artisan." Zeb looks back up to Kallus, "this is actually very impressive! It reminds me a lot of you actually." The man gives a huffed bit of laughter, "I get to think of you every time I see it."
Kallus finally manages to swallow the lump in his throat, "You flatter me too much, Garazeb," he draws back that smug smirk, "keep doing that and you'll have to humble me all over again."
Zeb smirks in return, "I could do that easily with a quick spar. Unless you're actually afraid of being put in your place, that is."
If today is just going to be one bad decision after another, might as well have fun with them. Maybe they won't be as poor as I think.
"Brave chatter from someone who always ends up pinned." Kallus place hand on Zeb’s chest, gently pushing him backwards until the man is at the door. "You need to start backing those bold words, Alitha."
Is it foolish of Kallus to use something he doesn't even know the meaning of?
Most definitely.
Is he going to take any opportunity to use it to try and pull this same look of excitement and desperation from Zeb in the future?
Oh, most certainly.