Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Alec groaned inwardly, looking up at the warehouse. Why were demon hideouts always warehouses?

Well, Alec knew why. Dark, musty deserted places are demons' favorite place to sleep. Especially when they're not far from a food source, i.e. humans.

He knew why. But it sure as fuck didn't mean Alec had to enjoy it.

Jace stepped through the door first, blades drawn but stance too lazy to fully be on guard. Alec made a note to bring it up later. Jace never took these things seriously enough, Underestimating his opponent like that could get him or his teammates kille.

“Ladies first,” Isabelle said, and gestured grandly for Alec to precede her.

“Thanks, Izzy," Alec said dryly, tracing his nyx rune and stepping through the door.

"Anytime, big brother,” Izzy said, letting the door fall shut behind her.

Alec blinked into the sudden darkness and waited for his eyes to adjust.

He stepped further into the room, though he didn't get far, didn't even have time to scout out a vantage point before Jace was yelling, “C’mon, Alec! Don't just sit there, come help me with these things!”

And sure enough, when Alec turned to where Jace’s voice was coming from he was met with the sight of about 20 demons, running out of a crack in the floor.

Alec sighed, pulling his bow from his shoulder and notching an arrow.

“Jace, you're supposed to let me get up in the rafters before you antagonize them!” he called back, firing off three arrows in quick succession, all landing in their respective demons head.

But all he got in response was Jace cackling loudly.

Alec rolled his eyes. But he didn't have time to respond because yet another demon lunged right at him, knocking his bow clean out of his hands.

He jumped back, pulling his blade from the holster on his thigh and running it through the demon.

There's a chattering behind him, and he turns just in time to see as the scorpio demon swings its barbed tail at Alec, with the nyx rune he'd activated he can see perfectly as he's sent crashing into the far wall.

Alec wheezes, breath knocked from his lungs and filled with fire, his lungs spasm as they try and force themselves full again.

‘Just my luck, Alec thinks dully. A shitty day and now I'm getting my ass handed to me by a demon.’

But he doesn't have time to think about it further, scrambling back to his feet and. It took a little longer then he would have liked, but what the fuck else was he supposed to do, die?

He darts back into the fight, blade at the ready, bow long forgotten against the far wall of the warehouse. He stopping next to Jace, poised and ready.

The Scorpio demon didn't like that apparently, if the way it flailed angrily at him was anything to go off of.

He ducked, under its next slash and then quickly under the tail whip that followed.

The guys have stingers on the end that can make living pretty impossible if you get hit by one.

But, just by Alec's luck, he gets slashed by it anyways.

One could say: Fuck

-------

Izzy and Jace had cleared out most of the demon's, they were always better at hand to hand.

Alec was never as efficient without his bow, there was a reason it was his signature weapon.

But he was there, sitting against the wall. Waiting for them to come over so jace
Can draw him an iratz.

But Jace was taking a while so eventually alec decided to walk over to him instead.

Jace smiled as he saw Alec approaching, turning away from izzy and forgetting whatever he had been talking to her about in favor of slinging an arm over Alecs shoulder.

“Alec! Hey. What Happened over there? Musta not slept very well, usually you can take out a whole horde of these things in your sleep” he laughed as they walked towards the door, stepping over piled of ash and half desitigraded-still-slightly-gooey demon corpses.

Alec sighed. “Well, maybe I would have done a little better if you'd have let me get the high ground before you pissed them off”

Jace just rolled his eyes.

Alec couldn't help the sigh he gave in response.

He didn't end up getting that iratz.

It was gonna be a long week

—-

Sometimes, Alec gets overwhelmed.

He wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, or he just feels… off in the middle of the day– and suddenly, his every emotion is an unstoppable force- like the floodgates of his mind being slammed open, and all of his darkest thoughts are the muddy water pouring out

Everything he’d pushed to the back of his mind comes back full force, anxiety front and center in his thoughts and fucking loud about it.

And he tries to stop it, tries to calm down, like he's doing right now, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. But he can't, it never works––
Sometimes -like now- Alec gets overwhelmed.
He’s never sure why, or when it will happen, but Alec deals. He's a shadowhunter, after all, he has to.

Beyond that, he's a Lightwood, and Lightwoods don't show weakness. He can only imagine what his parents would say if he tried to skip patrol because the lights are too loud. Or, Angel forbid, what the Clave would say– he's already in a bad place with them after the disaster that was his wedding, he doesn't need to make things any harder on himself.

And yet here he is, seriously considering (if only for a second) skipping patrol, for a reason other than a physically debilitating injury.

His parents would have never been able to believe he even considered stooping to that level of selfishness.

Their reputation in Idris already suffers because of alecs… proclivities, As his parents put it, and if his parents were here right now instead of trying to clean up alecs mess of a coming out in Idris at the moment he's sure he wouldn't be hearing the end of it, of any of it.

I mean, Robert had made his stance on the whole thing pretty clear.

Not that he really needed to, Alec could take the hint, especially when it wasn't so much of a hint as it was people screaming it in his face.

Alec sees the way the people of the Institute, of the Clave react to every little mishap, everytime he would do anything odd. He saw how they looked at him like he was stupid when he let his reactions slip through the cracks. When he was just a little too tired to hide the emptiness and unease he felt sometimes. He knew he was wrong, to be affected this much by noise, or textures. he knew that he was weak, but that didn't make it any easier to stop- whatever is wrong with him.

his behavior, the skin picking, wearing the same outfit as long as possible, rubbing his fingers together when he was stressed, everything his mother tried her best to train out of him, all the things he did that were childish in nature

He was weird, he always had been.

But for most of his life he had assumed that his inability to handle anything in a way others seemed to find normal, was just, something else that was different about him, that it was just a different way for a person to be, even though when he mentioned it to his siblings, they had no idea what he was talking about.

either way it’s not fun, in fact it’s quite the opposite, and it doesn’t sit right in his stomach whenever he can hear the sounds of fans running or the harsh breathing that he’s sure no one else cares about, the sound of faraway footsteps and clinking blades from the training room, the sound of ichor-slick leather and grunts of pain.

The Institute is loud. it always is, always will be. And why would anyone ever expect differently, there are about 300 active shadowhunters living in this institute and they're all always running. Clad in full leather gear that sqeaks and clanks when they walk, the noise, it's just part of being a shadowhunter, but sometimes he can feel the vibrations of the lights as they shine down on him, sometimes he can hardly open his eyes in the light space of the institute.

can taste the saliva in his mouth, and can still taste what he had for breakfast that morning in the back of his mouth.

but sound is a big part of it, he would even say the biggest part of it. he couldn't find a word for how much he hates sound on these days if he tried.

some days, he just needs sound to be gone.

Some days, everything– everything– is just way too much. every little sound, every far-away voice or tap of shoes across the hardwood floor– all just make him irrationally angry.

Today is one of those days.

Alec plays with his hands, trying his best to pretend that he is working, and to keep from itching the wound on his arm, fingers intertwining and running along skin that might be a little irritated because he doesn’t think he can handle anything more than that right now. He doesn’t think he can handle anything, really, because even breathing or continuing the motions to keep his hands from gripping something is hard to remember to do.

but then he hears a knock on his door.

he sighs and peels himself away from his bed.

he sighs again, rolls his shoulders and does his best to put on a smile- or at least a neutral face that doesn't betray how absolutely done he is with today.

he dreads every step he takes towards the door, knowing that whoever is out there is going to talk to him. he has half a mind to turn around and trudge back to bed, person at the door be damned .

But he walks to the door anyways, knowing there could be a good fucking reason for somone to be knocking on his door.

he opens the door and comes face to face with Jace, and for a moment he's almost relieved, thinking that it's his parabatai, the other half of his soul, he couldn't possibly find his voice annoying - grating - devastating to hear.

but then Jace has the sheer audacity to ask if he wants to go on a mission.

Alec tries to hide his sigh, tries to speak but he finds that he can't, instead he gives a curt nod and pushes past Jace, walking to the locker room to get suited up.

it was barely 10 minutes before they were off, hunting a ravager demon in the back-alleys of Brooklyn.

and even though they were glamoured he kept bumping into people, and people kept brushing past him in the crowd, not to mention the lights.

it was getting to be later in the evening, so shops had turned on their--often flashing-- LED signs.

and that's without even mentioning the smells, not even the smell of the city- piss and smoke and general smog of New York.

no, it was the perfumes and colognes and the general smell of people of New York that bothered him. he couldn't help it, there were just so many, not to mention that half the people didn't seem to know that there was such thing as too much perfume.

not that Alec was an expert, but honestly he never really liked cologne and perfume: he had never come across a perfume or cologne that he liked, and rarely one he could tolerate. They were all too much— too flowery or too 'musky' or they smelled like chemicals, unnatural, fabricated, wrong–

izzy's perfume was the only one he could tolerate, and barely at that- her everyday perfume smelt like grass and citrus, it was as natural as he had ever smelt before, but on some days even that was too much. and don't even get him started on the perfume she wore when she was going out on dates with someone she was actually interested in, it was a thick, rich, rose heavy scent, with hints of what he thought were supposed to be chocolate, but smelt more like coffee.

he was sure if it was just... less (intense?) it would be a pleasant scent, but it's just so overpowering, he can smell it on her for days afterwards.

and Jace, Jace's cologne had changed a lot over the years. first it was nothing, not even deodorant, he had smelt of sweat and teenage b.o. then he had acquired something called 'axe body spray,' which was somehow even worse than before.

Then he moved on to just deodorant, it barely had a scent, and Alec had liked this version of Jace's smell the best. it had at least been bearable, but then Izzy had gotten involved, and Alec loved his sister to death but he was still kind of mad at her for the number of colognes (and even a few perfumes) that followed. they ranged from 'musky' to overpoweringly smelling like burnt wood.

though the perfumes he had tried were somewhat nice, or at least better then the colognes, but they were like most he had smelt, overpowering, flowery and some even 'grandma-ish' as some others at the institute had said,

but there was one, one that Jace had tried, that was perfect. it was a soft lavender and orange scent, barely noticeable, and somehow it tied in with the smell of blood, metal and icor that coated all of New York's shadowhunters.

ah, he loved it, and Jace seemed too as well, if the glee he felt through the bond was any indication, but one of Jace's dates had to point out that it "smelled too 'girly' for a man like Jace."
After that Jace switched back to the overbearingly 'musky' cologne that smells of burnt wood and b.o. Alec had half a mind to strangle the girl.

Had to consciously remind himself that it's his job to protect people, not to strangle rude seelies.

and that is what Jace has been wearing to this day, Alec can tell because it's assaulting his nose as they trek through the moist alleys of Brooklyn.

Alec had tried his best, tried to focus on the mission, on doing his job, but everything was still too much and he kept getting distracted in his thoughts.

they had finally spotted it, after what had felt like forever to Alec, the demon's screams pierced Alec's ears, on top of everything else they had stressed him out to the max.

the fight was stressful and adrenaline packed, as most fight were, but during this fight something had snapped in Alec, he ended up yelling at Jace, for what he didn't even remember, something inconsequential he was sure, but he had yelled at his brother, his parabatai, just because he had had a bad day.

They hadn't spoken after the fight, had taken different routes back to the institute, suffice to say he felt awful, guilt and regret soaked him as he made his way to the locker room to undress.

When he got back to his room he just stood outside of the door, unable to reach his hand up and open the door for 10 solid minutes. When he finally brought himself to step inside he barely was able to stop himself from collapsing then and there.

he trudged slowly further into his room and sat down on his bed, taking his shoes and his jeans off and lowering himself onto his bed.

he tries to lay face down on his bed but it pushed on his nose uncomfortably, so he shifted to his back but it honestly wasn't much better, but he was too tired to move at that point, so he just stayed there.

everything was so loud that it hurt, even the sound of his own breathing disturbed him.

he had so many emotions, he was overwhelmed, sure, but now- he had hurt his parabatai, and words couldn't even describe how he felt about it, how guilty he was.

he closed his eyes tightly and finally let the tears he'd been holding in all day slip from his eyes.

and that's were he stayed til morning, laying on his back, eyes closed, trying to cry as quietly as possible because the sound of his own sadness was actually contributing to it.

Chapter Text

he was in his office,

-or well not 'his' office, seeing as he was only the acting head of the institute it was technically his parents office, why he hadn't been officially given the title yet was beyond him, seeing as he'd been running this institute for his parents
sense he was 15 years old.

but, he had paper work to do, which was more then normal for him, if anything it would be weird to not have any paperwork to do, i mean, he was the acting head of the institute after all, paperwork was like half of his job description,

and to be honest he really didn't mind the paper work, it was something familiar, something easy, and he knew that it mattered just as much as the political side of things, and maybe even mattered more then field work,

and he liked being helpful, liked being needed, taking care of people and doing the job right, he liked being a better boss then the boss's he had had in the past, better then his mother and his father, and that all starts with paperwork.

and, usually he didn't have a problem with that, usually it just was what it was, but today it was different, mo matter how hard he tried he couldn't even begin to read the first sentace of the paper, and even when he mannaged to 'read' it he couldn't actually process any of the information.

at this point he had read and re-read the first sentence of this paper more then 12 times, and still, he had retained essentially no information from it.

he couldn't focus, no matter what he'd tried, no matter how many runes he'd drawn up and down his arms he just couldn't. concentrate.

he swears that he'd read through the paper, but then he just stares there, looking at the paper, blinking, wondering what the actual fuck he was supposed to do.

in the hour or two that he had been working on paper work he had gotten exactly none of it done,

he breathed for a moment, in and out.

his head hurt.

it ached, so he placed a hand on either side of his head a rubbed small circles into his temples, trying his best to reduce some of the tension.

but it didn't work, it never fucking worked.

he sighed.

his hands dropped down to the bottom of his shirt, he grabbed the hem and made tight fists around that soft fabric,
he tried to run his fingers along the seam in a comforting manor, but it wasn't right, so he tugged the shirt away from his body, but that wasn't right either.

Alec tugged on his shirt again, not knowing why the sensation made him even more uncomfortable, he clenched and unclenched his fists and rolled his shoulders, bringing his hands down to clasp the edges of the soft fabric, he pulled and tugged and rolled it between his fingers, and it should have helped, it normally did, but for some reason in only made everything worse.

he pulled his hands away and shook them out to get rid of the lingering sensation, trying to play with the edge of his shirt one final time, tugging it away from his body angerly and letting out a small involuntary whining sound when it still didn't work to calm him.

he shook his hands out again before clasping them in front of him, he squeezed his hands and rubbed them together, maybe he just needed a different sensation, but that didn't work either.

he let out a small sound of frustration, and he didn't know how but suddenly he was up and paicing back and fourth across the office.

he was counting the steps.

13 steps from his desk to the couch.

and 13 back.

his breathing was loud and fast, and it hurt his ears ti hear.

it was all too much.

The sounds, the lighting, the stress of knowing that he had to go right back to struggling with paperwork.

it was far too fucking much for Alec's brain at the moment, and it crunched him, why was he so fucking weak?

why couldn't he just do paperwork like a normal person.

why couldn't he just focus?

he continued paising for, who knows how long, and by the end of it, he didn't feel any better, he was exhausted and he still had paperwork to do.

so he sat back down at his desk, picked up his pen and stared at the paperwork in front of him,

he was drawing a blank.

like someone had scooped out his brain through his eyeballs with a melon spoon,

he was blinking slowly, as if it would suddenly give him his brain back,

he rested his elbows on the top of the desk, leaning his chin on the palms of his hands and roughyl rubbing the pads of his finger into his eyelids.

he sighed. again.

it was like his brain was oatmeal.

and he didn't even like oatmeal- well, he liked oat meal, but only if he made it, he liked to add extra water, so that it was more soupy and runny, the instetute always made it too dry, he hated having to chew it.

but his brain felt like the bad kind of oatmeal.

like the nasty, chewy, like almost jigilly kind of oatmeal they serve in the infirmary.

and it was disgusting, and he hated it, and he wanted it to stop.

now, preferably.

but it didn't, because the angel wanted Alec to suffer, maybe it was a punishment because of the way he looks at Jace.

he hated this.

he had to try and get the paperwork done with his mushy oatmeal brain, and hope to the heavens that he doesn't make any mistakes,

he couldn't think, and he couldn't leave the desk until the paperwork was finished, and he couldn't finish the paperwork until he can fucking think.

so, basically, he's fucked.

and he was going to continue to be fucked until he can finish this paperwork,

he ended up staying, sat at that desk until he finished the paperwork, he didn't move from that seat until 2 in the morning.

Chapter Text

he had to wear a suit,

now, it wasn't necessarily uncommon for him to have to wear a suit but he hated it none the less.

it was always bad.

he had had to attend some formal clave meeting as the unofficial acting head of the institute, since his parents weren't here to pretend that they actually ran the institute.

it was the first time in a while he had to wear something other than his comfortable --safe-- functional, and he would argue fashionable black tea-shirt and gray jeans.

no, right now he was in a suit, navy in color, with grey ascents.

and he hated it, the cuffs were tight and itchy against his wrists, the shirt was scratchy, and... icky, was the best way he could discribe it, it was icky, it was wrong.

it was bad.

but he had to wear it, because he had to attend a clave event.

it was a formal event, so, there was no chance that him showing up in what he wanted to wear would be well received. not in the slightest.

so he became izzy's barbie doll for the day, letting her dress him up in pretty much any way that she liked, because she was the best at these things.

that was a mistake, a very big one.

she had pulled and pinned and tailored, until it felt like he was suffocating in this fucking suit.

she had handed him a bracelet that was a little too small for his wrist and it was pinching the hairs on his arm, sliding up and down his arm, making a little clinking sound as it did so.

she had dolled him up and sent him on his way.

but it didn't get any better as he arrived, if anything it got gradually worse.

his shoes were too tight, and they sqweeked against the floor when he walked, his tie was tight around his neck, his pants were even tighter and the matereal was itchy, the shirt was still bothering him.

and the bracelet wouldn't stop jingaling when he moved his arm.

he tried not to interact with the other people much, he was here to represent New York and nothing else, he wasn't here to network or mingle or catch up or hang out, he was here because of his official duty. and nothing else,

but no matter how much he tried to be a wallflower, no matter how much he tried to avoid conversation. mingling, people kept finding a way to come up and talk to him, asking him who he was or about the institute he was running.

and it was like, every time someone spoke to him, every word that tumbled out of there mouth was like it made everything worse, like his shoes got tighter, his clothes got scratchier and the temperature in the room raised.

but, people. kept. talking. to. him.

they just wouldn't stop.

and he wanted to scream.

very much so he wanted to scream. but he couldn't.

he had to be professional, to project an image of confidence for the institute, for his parents.

but it felt like every time someone talked to him it felt like they had set a fucking fire to his brain, and, obviously, he didn't like it, like, at all.

he actually really hated it.

and every one was wearing perfume and stuff, there make up and hair spray and gel was scented, and it all melded together and it was bad, it was, so, much, its not even funny it physically hurt him to smell it,

but he couldn't, like, not, he couldn't just leave, as much as he wished he couldn't. he just cant.

and he wants to cry, but crying in front of these people would be worse than just up and leaving.

Alec couldn't breathe.

well, he could, but his brain didn't seem to know that little fact. He felt like his skin was buzzing. Like everything was too much and then too much on top of that last too much.

he was flexing his feet against his too tight shoes, trying to find some- any stimulation at all to take his mind off of where he was at the moment.

he was tapping his fingers against his leg to calm his mind. But it didn't work, if anything the texture was just making everything worse. His head hurt and his brain fizzed, and he felt all floaty and half there.

He wanted to scream.

Everything was wrong.

and by everything, he meant everything, nothing was right, and he got more exhausted by the minute, and there was at least an hour left before it wouldn't be okay for him to leave.

so he was, stuck basically, stuck talking to old, abrasive people who thought way too highly of themselves, and he was stuck in this room with more smells then he thought possible.

he was, stuck, generally.

and he wasn't pleased about it. not in the slightest.

people were talking to him but he couldn't process what they were saying, he was just smiling and nodding, but it was like there was cotton balls stuffed in his ears, he just, couldn't process words.

he eventually managed to excuse himself to the bathroom, where he properly broke down, tears started rolling down his face the moment he stepped foot in the room.

he couldn't bare to be in these clothes anymore, so he quickly stripped out of his jacket and loosened his tie.

throwing them both on the ground and just breathing for a second, trying to center himself, trying to calm down.

he was breathing, but his brain still, couldn't fathom that fact,

soon he found himself on the floor, the floor was grimy, and it had dust on it, he could feel the little particles push and press into his skin, and he couldn't bare it,

he tried to wipe them off, rubbing his hands up and down across his thighs, trying to calm himself.

but in the end it didn't really matter, because as soon as he calmed down he had to go right back out there, with all of the loud people and the bad smells and the shit, the general shit that he hated, and he had to stay there for at least another half an hour.

so he sat there and he broke down, doing positively anything he could to pull himself together enough to make them next 30
minutes somewhat bearable, but no matter what he tried, he just couldn't, he couldn't.

after about 6 minutes of this he finally calmed down, enough.

but it didn't even matter because he had to pull his jacket back on and go back out into the absolute shit show that is this party.

and that, that is exactly what he did, he put on a brave face and he did what was expected of him, because that's what he does.

its what he was raised to do.

Chapter Text

He had felt like this so many times before, but it never ceased to rattle him.

as you've probably gathered this was far from the first time Alec had been overwhelmed, hell, it seemed to happen once a week at this point, but every time it happens it almost feels like the first.

Every time the background noise suddenly slammed into his ears and left little after images of color on his eyes, bright spots clouding his vision. Times when his energy built up in his bones, and demanded to be released. Times when his skin crawled and ached and itched and he had to rub his ears red and raw in order to calm himself.

At times like these he had learned to tense all his muscles and keep himself upright and poised, his arms locked behind his back in there normal parade rest, no room for weakness, no room for anything other than the hear to the Lightwood name.

he had been in the middle of a lecture when he felt it happening, in the middle of informing his shadowhunters of a new demon on the streets when he felt cotton being shoved into his ears and everything start to become too much.

he hurried up the the debref and did his best to not run to his room.

He got odd looks from the others, his subordenents, that was to be expected.

He kept his stuff, up-tight composure until he reached his room. the only place where he could truly come apart like this, the place that had almost become a space for him to come apart more then anything else.

he took off his shoes, and the jacket he had on and the jeans that normally were fine but suddenly were far too constricting for him to breath corectally.

and he laid down on his bed, laying his arms out by his sides and spreading his fingers, feeling the fabric of his bed sheets.

The fabric was soft, but textured. he ran his hands back and fourth across is, loosing himself in the feeling of the little ridges and bumps vibrating against the pads of his fingers, Deep breaths. In… and out…

and he was fine, he was, that was until he lost his focus, his thoughts wondered, and he started to hear other things

The clock on he wall in front of him ticked, the floorboards creaked above him and there was still some distant murmuring.

he was trying to straighten out his thoughts but everything was so hazey. like they were racing past his face at a million miles an hour, and he could read part of some of them but every bit the mannaged to read only made him more confused as a whole

his breathing was starting to quicken, he could feel his chest tighten and he could feel everything go off the rails again, just focus on the ridges.

he ran his hands back and fourth across his bedspread once again, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't seem to lose himself in it in the way he needed to, but he kept trying, and trying, and trying, but everu time he would succeed, every time he managed to distract himself with the grounding sensation something snapped him out of it,

weather it be a distant sound from somewhere in the institute, the sound of his own breathing or that cursed fucking clock, at this point it was like it was taunting him.

he stared at it, but the fucking clock only seemed to tick all the louder, he was fixated on it.

he watched the hands tick around for a full minute before he lost it.

he pried himself up from the bed, stepped over to the clock and pulled it off the wall and threw it.

but it was still ticking, now, is Alec was thinking properly he would have thought to open up the back and take the battery's out, but Alec was not thinking properly at the moment, actually, if anything, he was thinking the oposite of properly.

so, instead of opening it up and taking the battery's out like a normal person he instead kicked it across the room, but that didn't work either, so he continued kicking and throwing and punching it.

but it didn't stop kicking, so hitting the clock eventually evolved into kitting himself.

but it only helped for a mere moment, soon he was slowly falling to the floor and folding into himself as he cried, or rather screamed, or yelled, he just couldn't take it, he folded himself up aganset his knees and sqweesed as hard as he could.

but that didn't help so he put his hands up over his ears, trying to block out the noise, pressing and releasing and pressing and releasing, and that helped some, but ultimately he just laid there, defeated on the floor.

silently crying, praying to the angel that the clock would just shut the fuck up.

but then there was a knock on his door, and he couldn't bring himself to reply, after a moment the person came in anyways, it was Jace.

he looked worried, looking quickly around the room "what was all the noise?" he asked, a small tremble in his voice, he was worried.

"the clock." Alec grit out, not liking the way the words tasted in his mouth.

but Jace just looked at him for a second, confused, he crossed his arms "the clock made all that noise?" he asked, skeptical,

Alec just sighed and pointed generally to where the clock was laying across the room.

"oh, that's how the clock made all that noise" he said, genuinely surprised.

there was a beat of silence between them, it was awkward, but only because Alec was curled up on the floor.

after a moment Jace stepped forward, leaning slightly over Alec "any reason in particular you decided to beat the clock up?" he asked softly, searching for Alec's face.

Alec made a vague grunting sound, words were hard at the moment.

Jace took another step forward, "i'm gonna need you to use your words here buddy" he said, trying to sound lighthearted but Alec could tell he was worried.

alec thought for a moment, "loud." he settled on, before continuing "ticking." he supplied.

Jace for a moment "you hate crimed the clock because it was ticking loudly?" he paused for a moment "but isn't that its whole purpose?" he questioned, trying to cheer Alec up.

Alec stayed silent.

Jace got the hint, "ah, not in the mood for jokes tonight, no i get it, that's alright."

Jace stepped forward and picked the clock up off the ground, quickly taking the back off, picking the batterys out, walking over to the wall and hanging it back up, poketing the batterys.

"better?" the blonde asked

"better." Alec confirmed.

"right, good." Jace settled.

Jace made his way down to the floor soon after that, sitting far away enough from his brother to give him some space but close enough to offer support if needed.

he didn't ask or expect Alec to talk or move, he just hung out, so that his brother knew that he wasn't alone.

Chapter Text

it was Alec's day off, so he was huddled up in his little blanket fort on his bed, like he did most of the time that he had time off.

it was bliss.

the blankets were just the right temperature, and texture.

the sun was shining through the winder and on his face, but just enough to feel warm, not enough to be annoying of burn him, just enough to be peacefully warm.

he was relaxing.

something he hardly ever got to do.

he was relaxing and he was enjoying it, something that almost never happened.

but then Isabelle had to come and ruin it.

he loves his sister, but sometimes he just needed her to go the fuck away, like now.

she didn't do that though.

she just barged into his room, without knocking, as his sister didn't have much in the way of boundary's.

she stepped in, startling the ever loving shit out of Alec.

he turned to look at her "yes?" he asked.

she stared at him for a moment.

"Jace said something was wrong, told me to come and bug you" she said, almost uninterested
the last thing Alec needed was for Izzy to come and bug him.

curse his parabatai for that.

Alec rolls his eyes and sighs.

"tell blondie that he was wrong, and go away" he said with a sigh, flopping onto his back and closing his eyes. trying to get his relaxed mood back.

".... based on that reaction, i'm gonna assume that blondie was not in fact wrong" she said, stepping closer.

Alec almost screamed in frustration, the only reason that he was acting 'upset' was because she was bugging him, interrupting his time to relax.

"what's going on, brother?" she asked, her eyes going soft, like she understood or something, but she obviously didn't or she would have already left.

she was staring at him though, with, something like pity in her eyes.

Alec sighed, closing his eyes and trying to breath, trying not to snap.

"nothings going on, can you just, can you, please leave" he asked, almost begging.

Izzy sighed, crossing her arms and shifting her weight onto her left hip, she began talking, about it was okay, and that she was always here for him and it didn't matter what was going on because she would always be his sister.

but it was too much, it was overwhelming him, and he couldn't really process like half of what she was saying.

his head was starting to hurt again, he blinked slowly, trying to force the feeling out of his head. "izzy, please stop" he pleaded softly, trying to be respectful. but she didn't hear him, that or she didn't care.

she just continued on, blabbering about how she was here for him, how he didn't need to be alone, but if she was actually here to support him then she would be listening to him, not talking on and on about things that are overwhelming him.

he loves his sister, but she doesn't understand that different people need different kinds of support, that Alec needs a different kind of support.

he didn't mean to, he never means to, but he snapped, cutting izzy off mid sentence. "Izzy can you just stop!" he all but yelled, his arms shooting out beside him, he didn't know why but they did.

his arms waved in the air as he stepped off the bed and continued.

"nothing is wrong! nothing, and you would know that if you actually spent time listening to what i'm saying instead of chattering on about things that you think would help, when i've specifically said i don't want them, nothing is wrong! as ive said a few times now, i was just relaxing, actually, if anything is bothering me then its you, barging in here and disrupting me!" he was huffing out breaths of air that were too hot on his face.

he continued, still loud but a little softer this time "so can you please, just go!. "

she stared at him for a moment, stunned, before turning on her heal and trotting out of the room.
closing the door loudly behind her.

Alec sighed for a few moments, huffing and puffing, it a few moments but he calmed down.

and when he calmed down he felt dread pool in his stomach, he buried h's face in his hands.

he felt like crying, and now he was far too upset to go back to relaxing.

he sighed, breathing in and out a few wet, ragged breaths.

his hands to his sides, and he looked up to the ceiling.

he couldn't help but ask himself, why did he do that?

why does he always do that, Why can't he just have conversations like a normal person.

why does he always snap?

he asks himself a million questions like this, he he barely gets any answers, hes just weird, he was made wrong, cursed by the angel at birth, its how hes always been, hes always known something was wrong with him, now its just a matter of finding out what exactly it is that is wrong with him.

but no matter how long he spends there thinking about all of his flaws, everything he's done wrong in life.
every times hes 'snapped' when people don't deserve it, every time he's acted weird in social situation, every time he's misunderstood or people have misunderstood him.

it was like there was a language barrier between him and everyone else in the world, and no matter how hard he tried, no matter how long he studied, he just couldn't seem to grasp what ever language that everybody else was speaking.

he just didn't understand.

somehow he found his way back to his bed, but this time it wasn't in a nice cocoon of blankets, it wasn't perfectly warm, the sun wasn't warming his face perfectly,

no.

this time the blankets were wrong, they made him too hot, and sweaty, it was like they were suffocating him along with his thoughts.

it was like the sun was trying to blind him, it was shining in his eyes almost directly.

it hurt.

everything always hurt.

but at this moment he almost felt like he deserved the hurt, because he hurt Izzy.

so he didn't move out of the way, he didn't pace across the room or flap his hands or tap his fingers to calm down, he just laid there, silent tears dripping their way down his face.

he was in pain.

but it was okay, good even, because he deserved it for hurting Izzy.

it was okay because, well, because he was Alec, and Alec, there was some reason he just couldn't explain, but Alec, it was fine when Alec was in pain, it was just how it was supposed to be.

Chapter Text

The thing is contrary to what you may think, he didn't always wake up feeling like this, sometimes it hit him in the middle of the day,
sometimes it hits him so hard he wasn't sure if he'd be able to get back up.

and sometimes, his favored of times, it never hit him at all, but today, well today wasn't like that at all.

Today Alec woke up feeling wrong, rolling out of bed he knew it was gonna be a bad day, he couldn't quite pin point what was wrong, so he shrugged it off, dismissing it as simply waking up on the wrong side of the bed or whatever the mundanes call it.

but it only got worse from there, every light he came across was far, far too bright, his morning coffee tasted too much.

but the sounds- oh the sounds, they were the absolute worst, it was so bad even the sound of Magnus' voice- love of his life, man he loves- normally one of his most favorite things in the world made him want to claw his eardrums out of his head.

it was suffocating.

and it was like this all day, now Alec was no stranger to this feeling

but it all came to a head towards the end of the day, he didn't know how but he had managed to keep it together for almost the entire day, but then he was sent over the edge by the stupidest thing.

it was silly- pathetic even, when you thought about it.

he had sat through a particularly long meeting, and had headed down to the cafeteria for a snack, but they had been out of the yogurt that he likes.

and he felt himself start to crumble apart.

Alec slammed the door to his office, the loud sound rattling his very brain- god he could literally feel his bones.

fingers dug painfully into his scalp. His breaths came in short, wet gasps, it sounded -and felt- almost like sobbing.

the world was spinning, blurring into a mess of light and sound that was all too much, everything was just too much.

He blinked hard, shutting his eyes against the bright fluorescent lighting of the room.

he just wanted it to stop, just- everything- he needed everything to just stop.

but it didn't, nothing stopped.
His skin felt like it was on fire.

distantly he felt the wetness beneath his finger tips, he knew he had broke skin, but he really could bring himself to care, if anything the fingering in his hair weren't enough.

weirdly he needed more input, if only he could just get the buzzing to stop first.

somehow -he had no idea when- he had ended up on the floor.

he had no idea when this happened or why, but he could only be thankful, he couldn't pin point why but it helped.

he found himself rocking back and forth, it was soothing, it helped, but it didn't help nearly enough.

he wanted Magnus, wanted Magnus to wrap his strong arms around him and make everything better with the wave of his hand.
Mangus was comfort and calm, and despite how he had perceived Magnus this morning all he wanted was to curl up next to him in silence.

he didn't realize he had even picked his phone up until he heard it ringing.

he was speaking before he could even process what he was saying.

"Magnus, i think- uh, i need you to come- i need you"
Even his own voice hurt to hear, the vibrations making his head hurt, he wasn't sure who had cursed him, but he was confident that Magnus could help.

he didn't even wait for a reply before he was throwing his phone across the room,

He tried his best to focus on his breathing but the more he focused on it the more erratic it seemed to become, he was getting light headed now.

then a bright light assaulted his eyes, he squeezed them shut, though it didn't end up helping all that much,

the light dissipated as soon as it had appeared, Alec practically sighed in relief when the main light to his office was shut off as well

Then he heard a voice, magnus's voice.

"Alexander i need you to stop hitting yourself" his voice was soft and low but he managed to still speak firmly.

He hadn't even noticed that he was hitting himself, but he did as he was asked even if it made everything worse.

he waited for a moment, basking in the dark, feeling the tension slowly dissipate. He felt so stupid, all of that could have been avoided if he had just shut off the goddamn light?

Magnus' voice interrupted his train of thought once again. "Alexander, can i touch you?" he said, still speaking lowly

he wanted to respond but the thought of talking made him want to curl up and cry.

he was relieved when Magnus seemed to read his mind as slowly move closer, making his movements obvious and easy to avoid if wanted, not that Alec wanted too, in fact all he wanted right now was to be back at the loft, curled up in Magnus' silk sheets, laying next to his perfect boyfriend.

but he supposed sitting on the floor of his office, Magnus' strong arms wrapped around him was good enough too.

Magnus started gently rocking them back and forth in a calming rhythm, and slowly even more tension left Alec.

On a normal day he could have fallen asleep in Magnus' arms like this, it was his favorite place to be, he relaxed fully, turning to putty in Magnus' arms and allowed himself to be guided by his lover fully.

it must have been ten minutes of this, Magnus rocking them back and forth in the dark before he spoke.

"has this happened before?" he asked, but Alec all but ignored him, the thought of speaking still seemed terribly esausting and the question not all that enticing either.

but magnus wasn't deterred.

"think for me, love" Magnus' voice somehow didn't hurt to hear, Alec wasn't sure if that was just a warlock thing or if his Boyfriend had done something to make that happen "this isn't the first time this has happened, is it?"

Alec made the mistake of shaking his head 'no' and pain spiked-though a lot less then before- Magnus tutted in response and gently place his hand on either side of Alecs head, Alec felt the warmth of Magnus' magic wash over him and soon the pain subsided- or rather, everything seemed quieter.

like he had put earplugs in, but he didn't have any in.

he deduced that magnus had placed some sort of dampening spell around his head, he smiled, thankful to his boyfriend for helping him.

but he was snapped out of his thoughts a moment later when magnus spoke, his beautiful eyes look directly at him as he did so.

"do you think it's possible that you might have autism?"

alec looked, his eyes wide, startled, almost offended, Magnus put his hands up in a mediating gesture, and spoke again "this is actually something i've been thinking about for quite a while" he said "this is just kind of the icing on the cake"

Alec shook his head once again, stumbling over his words he frantically said "no- Magnus, i'm a shadowhunter, i can't-" he was cut off by magnus giving him an inridiculous look "so what, shadowhunters can't have autism?"

"yes." it hurt magnus to hear how sure he was, that alec truly believed what he was saying

"i won't push, if you don't want to talk about it then that's your decision to make" his voice was almost apologetic
"but if you are autistic then it would help me in finding ways to prevent things like this from happening again"

Alec thought for a moment before speaking again, his voice was rough and quiet when he tried to speak.
"why do you think i have autism?" he asked, he sounded almost scared when he asked the question.

magnus smiled at him, looking down at him with pure love "it's just little behaviors i've picked up on" god magnus' smile was gorgeous "i find you stimming quite often"

alec had no clue what stimming was, but he nodded his head like he did, because he wasn't sure if he wanted to find out.

"just some of your gestures and quirks i find fit with the autism diagnosis"

alec thought for a moment.

"like what?" he asked, genuinely curious.

magnus smiled at him like he was the most perfect thing in the world,

"you flap your hands when you eat, and after your done chuwing you tap your middling finger against your thumb in a rhythm, while you work through all of the flavors" he chuckled as he continued, like it was some cute, endearing trait and not some freakish abnormality that he'd always been told it was.

"you tend to stick to one or two foods for months at a time, you like routines, and when your stressed you unconsciously rock back and fourth, and side to side. "

Magnus grabbed his face, slowly and gently so if Alec wasn't ready to be touched yet he could easily move away.
"frankly, darling, you display almost every notable symptom of autism there is. " he smiled softly "but i am no phycologist, so i can't be sure, darling, i just thought that you should know"

alec took a moment to process, blinking a few times before looking up at magnus.

"Thank you" he spoke first, both not wanting to upset Magnus and generally feeling grateful "but, I can't go to a psychologist." He spoke quickly, closing his eyes as if he was bracing for impact, and I suppose, in a way he was.

but magnus didn't seem to get upset at all, instead he just softly asked "why ever not, dear heart?"

and that question caused alec to start shaking "i- if the clave found out i sought out mental health help- for any reason i could be removed as head of the institute, and maybe even taken off of active duty." he sounded a bit frantic as he spoke, like he was pleading for magnus to drop it.

Magnus's face softened even more.

"there's no need to get a formal diagnosis, especially if it would put your job at risk, even if i don't agree with the claves stance on mental health i would never ask that of you." Magnus spoke, his tone genuine.

"but" he continued "if you'd ever like to get a formal diagnosis, i have a friend, that is, how should i say- discreet."

"magnu-" alec started.

but magnus lifted his hand and start speaking, cutting alec off "no pressure, that is only if its something that you personally want to know, i assure you i don't care either way."

alec looked at his skeptical for a moment, before curtly nodding.

magnus hugged him closer, again slowly so that he could easily pull away if it was too much.

and they sat there for another moment, rocking slowly back and fourth before magnus spoke once again.

"how do you feel about portaling at the moment?" he sad turning and looking at alec for an answer.

"depends on where we would be portalling to" he answered honestly.

"we'd be portaling back to the loft" magnus answered him

home, his brain supplied, he didn't know when it had become his home, but then again he really didn't care all that much.

alec gave a simple nod and soon he was being gently scooped up into magnus's arms and carried through a portal.

the very second they stepped foot into the loft hes relaxed, he turned to mush in magnus's arms.

it felt completely natural when magnus laid him down on th sofa, its fabric was soft, and cool, like silk or satin, it was his favorite piece of furniture.

alec all but sunk into the plush couch, then, a blanket appeared above him, magnus had conjured it for him, when it touched his skin it was like heaven.

he wasn't sure what the material was, not in the slightest and he didn't care all that much, all he knew was that he never wanted to let it go.

"how are we feeling about cuddling?" Magnus asked, his voice completely neutral.

Alec just nodded, too lost in the feeling of bliss he was experiencing at the moment. Magnus just smiled, and climbed onto the sofa next to him, snuggling up behind him, his arms wrapping gingerly around his waist.

Magnus didn't ask questions, though Alec supposed he probably knew more about autism then alec ever would, and he didn't expect alec to talk, he didn't even put on a movie.

They just laid there, basking in each others’ presence, just being with each other, being cozy.

This was by far Alec's favorite time he'd ever been overwhelmed, and magnus was by far his favorite person, period.