Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“When’s your birthday?”

Sara turns her head towards the couple sitting at the table next to hers. There’s an anxious frown on the man’s face as he braces himself to answer the question that every first date starts with. At least the serious ones, the ones that are supposed to lead to more than just a few hours of fun in a hotel room. 

The kind of dates that Sara doesn’t have. 

The man takes a deep breath before he finally murmurs a day and a month, and Sara can only imagine how desperately he must hope that the woman facing him will recognize the date.

***

“Sara!”

Patrick’s eyes are gleaming as he rushes over, and in the very next moment Sara’s already being wrapped up in a tight hug. Sara giggles into her friend’s neck. He’s in a good mood today.

He leans back, the smile still wide on his face as he stares into hers. “Your eyes are…” he trails off as if searching for the right word. “Blue!” he exclaims with a bright laugh, “Just like the sky.” 

Sara gasps, and he lets go of her, whirling around to take in the rest of the playground. “The swings are red, the seesaw’s green…” He laughs again, loud and carefree. “There’s so much color, Sara – everything has one!” He lets out an incredulous huff of air, his eyes still wide and sparkling as they flicker from the slides over to the monkey bars and back to the swings again. “It’s so, so pretty,” he murmurs in a voice that Sara has never heard from him before. He sounds awed, even more wonder-struck than he was when Ms. Summers took them to the Natural History Museum and he saw the giant dinosaur they have there for the very first time.

“I’m really happy for you, Pat,” Sara says, smiling widely now too. Sara knows that tomorrow, he’ll be colorblind again – her mom told her all about how soulmates work. But for now, he has the whole day to look forward to. A whole day filled with color. And then another one next year, and the year after that too. Patrick will have his soulmate’s birthday to look forward to every year from now on – until he finally meets them; until the moment they recognize each other for who they are and everything changes, the moment when they will both start seeing color every single day.

Patrick’s smile dims for a moment. “It’ll happen for you too,” he says.

“Yeah,” Sara replies quietly, “I know.” 

In their class, she and Patrick are the last ones waiting to see color. Or rather, they were. Now, only Sara is left. Laurel has had her color day ever since she was a baby, but their dad told Sara that some people just have to wait a little longer. Some are late bloomers, he said, and that there’s nothing wrong with that, and how a friend of his had to wait until high school to see color for the first time. Sara hopes that she won’t have to wait that long, that her soulmate will be born already so she gets to see color too.

“It’ll happen super soon, and it’ll be awesome!” Patrick hugs her again, and Sara feels her worries fade away as he lifts her up in the air and spins her around in a circle. The swings, the seesaw, the monkey bars and the slides fly by, and Sara can’t help but laugh at how silly she’s being. Soon, she’ll know exactly how colorful everything is. 

Everyone has a soulmate, so why shouldn’t Sara?

***

Ollie is looking at her again. 

His arm is curled around Laurel’s waist, but his eyes keep finding Sara.

Sara knows she shouldn’t look back. Ollie should be off-limits. He’s Laurel’s boyfriend after all, and he’s also a bit of a dick, smiling at Laurel and drawing her closer into his side, only to glance back over his shoulder and wink at Sara. 

It probably shouldn’t surprise Sara that much – not when Ollie’s birthday is in May, and the month that Sara came to dread as a child is February.

Every year, Laurel would be giddy with excitement as soon as the end of January rolled around. She’d be bright-eyed and giggly, telling everyone all about how it would be when she’d finally meet her soulmate, how she’d recognize him at first sight and how they’d be together forever, living happily-ever-after in a world teeming with color.

Except Laurel has been seeing color for a while now. Ever since fourth grade actually, when she met Tommy at Ollie’s house and they swapped birth dates during Laurel’s very first game of spin the bottle.

Sara’s eyes snap over to Laurel as she lets out a bright laugh, Ollie’s mouth pressed against the shell of her ear.

It’s Tommy whose arm should be wrapped around Laurel, Tommy who should be making her giggle. And unlike Ollie, he’d probably manage to do both without making eyes at Laurel’s sister at the same time.

But Laurel doesn’t care about her soulmate anymore. She says that things with Tommy are too complicated, that she’s her own woman now and that she won’t let the universe get in the way of living her life the way that she wants to live it.

That’s why she’s here with Ollie instead of Tommy. That’s why she’s carelessly throwing away what Sara can never have.

For the longest time, Sara had still held out hope. She told herself she just had to be patient; she just had to wait a little longer; everyone has a soulmate, so why shouldn’t she? But at some point, she had to face the truth: in a world where everyone has a soulmate, Sara is the one exception. Her life will forever remain gray because no one is waiting for her. She’s nobody’s happily ever after.

Over the years, Sara has gotten pretty good at hiding it. She has picked up that grass is green and blood is red and has painstakingly memorized all the other colors that might come up in conversation. Laurel helps with the clothes. She takes Sara shopping and makes sure that people don’t notice right away – just from the way the colors in Sara’s outfit clash, colors that Sara will never get to see.

But every now and then, Sara will still give herself away. People will look at her differently then – with pity or compassion, but most often with revulsion. They’ll stare at Sara and wonder what’s wrong with her, because everybody knows that something has to be wrong with someone like her. Someone who doesn’t have a soulmate. 

And maybe there really is something wrong with Sara if she’s seriously thinking about going after her sister’s boyfriend.

Then again, it’s like Laurel says: Sara is her own woman. If Laurel can’t be bothered to abide by destiny, why should Sara let mere social conventions get in the way of what she wants? Why shouldn’t she have a bit of fun with Ollie? Especially when Ollie isn’t really Laurel’s, when he isn’t even the one she’s really supposed to be with.

Ollie smirks at Sara once more, behind Laurel’s back, and for the first time all evening, Sara chooses to smile back at him.

***

“I don’t have a soulmate.”

Sara gasps it out as soon as they come up for air. Her mind is hazy from the kiss, but not hazy enough to forget this. Sara never forgets this about herself, and she needs Nyssa to know it too. 

Beloved.

That’s what Nyssa had called her. And then she kissed Sara for the very first time.

Sara let herself be kissed, clinging to Nyssa just as much as Nyssa clung to her. But now, she needs Nyssa to know what she’s getting herself into. Now, she has to make sure that Nyssa knows what’s happening between them won’t ever turn into something more – something Sara can’t give her. Or anybody.

Nyssa stares at Sara for a long moment and then she nods once. “Neither do I,” she says, in a voice that’s much too even, almost casual. “My father saw to that, because…” Nyssa’s words falter for a moment, her fingers twitching where they are pressed against Sara’s skin, but in the very next moment, Nyssa has already gotten a hold of herself again. “A soulmate is nothing but a weakness,” she says, her eyes boring into Sara’s now. “You and I are free of that weakness. It’s the one small freedom that we have, the one thing that nobody can take away from us.”

Except Sara doesn’t feel free. She never has. Being unbound has only ever weighed her down, triggering every bad decision she ever made until she was hopelessly entangled in them.

If no one’s bound to your soul, if no one cares for it, what does it matter if it has a few dark spots? What does it matter if you break your sister’s heart over a boy; if you break everyone’s hearts over getting yourself lost at sea with him? What does it matter if the people who find you make you wish they’d let you drown, if they force you to do unspeakable things just to survive? Losing your loved ones, yourself and even your soul – what does any of it matter without a soulmate? 

Sara’s stomach lurches as she stares into Nyssa’s eyes. Nyssa thinks that they’re the same when they couldn’t be more different. Unlike Nyssa – unlike everybody else – Sara never had anyone to look forward to. She never had anyone waiting for her, anyone who was made just for her. Nyssa had her soulmate taken from her, but Sara was never even deemed worthy of one in the first place. 

Sara doesn’t tell Nyssa how wrong she is. She keeps all of this to herself, but Nyssa must see some of it in her eyes anyway.

“This can be enough.” Nyssa grasps Sara’s face in her hands. “We can be enough for each other!” she adds fiercely, her fingers digging into Sara’s jaw. 

“Beloved,” Nyssa calls her once more. 

She sounds as if she wants to convince herself, and as she kisses Sara again, Sara has no choice but to hope that Nyssa will somehow manage to convince her too.

***

“Sara, don’t do it.”

Snart’s voice is loud and clear in her ear, but Sara realigns the rifle anyway. This is what she was trained for. The one thing she’s perfect at. Her calling in life.

Unlike Snart, the bloodlust is blessedly quiet for once, but Sara is still ill-equipped to get the job done. It requires a steady hand and a clear head, and while her finger is motionless as it hovers over the trigger, her mind is anything but clear. She can’t stop thinking about Stein. Sara thinks about his earnest integrity; about the young man he used to be, the one who smiled and flirted with her; about the wife he’ll leave behind and how she’ll probably never even know what happened to him. 

Sara draws in a deep breath and presses her cheek against the rifle stock, realigning the weapon once more. What are Stein and his wife against the fate of the whole world? 

“I don’t have a choice,” Sara tells Snart. “It’s the only way to save Star City, the future.”

“That’s how a killer thinks, and that’s not you anymore.”

Unbidden, Sara has to think of Laurel – of being her own woman, of living her life the way she wants to live it, of being a hero in the light. Sara squeezes her eyes shut. There are so many things that she can’t change about herself. She’ll always have broken her sister’s heart, she’ll always have been an assassin, and she’ll never have a soulmate, but right now she does have a choice. 

Sara gasps out a breath and lowers the rifle, defying her training, defying what she’s supposed to be. She may not have a soulmate, but she has herself to answer to. Her soul is hers to keep. Her life is what she makes of it, her calling is hers to choose, and she will start by keeping this team safe as best as she can.

Much safer than she managed to keep herself.

***

A bright laugh draws Sara out of her memories.

It’s the woman from the other table. The man’s frown has turned into a dazed smile too, which can only mean one thing: the woman recognized his birthday. It’s the one day of the year she has been looking forward to for all her life. He reaches across the table for her hand, and matching stunned expressions bloom on their faces as soon as their fingers intertwine. They’ve found each other. Everything they’ve hoped for has come true.

Sara averts her eyes – just in time to see the door to the restaurant open. When she sees who it is, Sara’s helpless to stop the smile that blooms on her face.

Sara will never have a soulmate, but she can have a date. A serious one. One that she hopes will lead to so much more than a few hours of fun in a hotel room.

Chapter Text

“So, when’s your birthday?” 

Sara’s stomach drops, but after just a beat Ava starts laughing. “I hate it when people ask that on the first date,” she murmurs with a shake of her head.

Sara forces out the breath that got stuck in her throat. “Yeah, me too,” she mumbles, looking down to where her fingers have started fiddling with the silverware.

When she looks back up, Ava’s head is tilted to the side. A small crease has formed between her eyebrows, and before it can grow any deeper, Sara puts on her best flirtatious smile.

“And it’s not like you don’t know when my birthday is,” she drawls, keeping her tone light and playful. “Don’t tell me that the ever-conscientious Director Sharpe hasn’t read my file.” 

Sara’s surprised when Ava ducks her head until her face is half-hidden behind her hair. It looks as soft and silky as always, and Sara can only just keep herself from reaching out and brushing it back behind Ava’s ear. She doesn’t want Ava to hide from her.

“I have,” Ava murmurs. It sounds like a confession, but Sara’s relieved that Ava knows what she’s getting herself into, that she read all about Sara’s past and still decided to show up to their date.

Ava looks up at Sara through her eyelashes and smiles. It makes her eyes crinkle at the corners. Sara once asked Nate about them, and he told her that they’re dark blue with flecks of gray and light green. Sara has no concept of what that might look like, but for once she doesn’t mind. She can’t imagine that color would make Ava’s eyes any more beautiful than they are right now – gleaming in the candlelight and bright with affection.

“But in my defense, I did not see this coming.” 

Ava chuckles at her own words, only to be cut off by the waiter showing up with their drinks. Sara welcomes the interruption. She needs it to try and wipe the disappointment off her face.

After all, there’s really nothing to be upset about. It’s no big deal if Ava didn’t expect this to happen.

Even if Sara did.

***

“Hello, everyone. Welcome.”

The voice is low and gravelly, and when Sara first sees whom it belongs to, everything slows down for a moment: the pointedly casual, almost languid way the woman walks over to them; the fact that she deems them so little of a threat that she doesn’t even bother to unclasp her hands from behind her back; the smug, condescending smile playing on her lips. 

Seeing her makes heat flare up in Sara’s chest. It sets off a spark deep within her that stuns Sara with how bright and vivid it is.

“On the floor. Hands behind your heads.” 

The woman’s order shocks Sara’s body back into motion, her mind back into functioning. 

Irritation. 

That’s what the spark must be. Irritation, so pure and unadulterated that Sara has never felt the likes of it before. That’s what Sara firmly chooses to believe at least.

And it’s completely justified too. Sara may be down on her luck right now, but she’s still the White Canary, leader of the Legends, captain of her own timeship. Except, the woman doesn’t seem to see any of that. In fact she’s hardly looking at Sara at all, her complete attention on Ray as he awkwardly tries to defuse the situation. The woman isn’t having any of it. Without warning, she wrestles him down to the ground and rams her knee into his back.

“Oh, we know exactly who you losers are,” she claims, but she still hasn’t spared Sara so much as a glance, and all at once, Sara can’t keep quiet anymore.

“Maybe it’s that polyblend pantsuit that’s got her so grumpy.”

Sara’s insult does the trick. The woman’s eyes snap over and when they meet Sara’s, there’s that same deep-seated spark again, only that much more intense now that the woman is finally looking at Sara.

Sara knows that the woman feels it too. She can tell from the way her jaw clenches and her eyes darken, from the way she fumbles with her gun as she pulls it.

“What’s wrong with you people? Do you want to get shot?”

The woman stumbles over her words in her haste to get them out, and Sara feels a slow smirk spread across her lips.

This is going to be fun.

***

“You came back!” Sara gasps, already acutely aware of who saved her, even though it takes her eyes another few moments to focus on Ava. Long moments that feel to Sara as if she isn’t fully there yet, as if she’s still caught in limbo, halfway between Mallus’ realm and her own.

But then her vision clears, and it’s like seeing Ava for the very first time all over again, right down to that same spark that Sara tried so hard to convince herself was irritation.

She has long given up on that. By now she knows what it really is. Or maybe she has always known and just didn’t want to admit it. But now she does. Now, she has no choice but to admit all kinds of things about Ava. Like how much she loves to see Ava with her hair down; how much she wants to reach out for the strand that has fallen into Ava’s face, just to feel how soft it must be, just to let it slip along her fingertips as she tucks it back behind Ava’s ear. Sara has to admit all of these things, but just like with the spark, she’s never going to act on them.

Instead, Ava brushes her hair out of her eyes herself. “It’s like you said, you needed me,” she breathes out and finally looks up at Sara.

Sara blinks. There’s a lot to unpack about that statement and about the expression on Ava’s face too, because she’s suddenly looking at Sara as if she has never seen her before.

Maybe she’s realizing the same things Sara is: that Ava just defied a direct order from her superior; that she broke all kinds of Time Bureau rules and regulations and risked her career to come back for Sara – all because Sara needed her.

Ava’s still staring at her, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. It makes the spark flare up in Sara’s chest, the pull between them suddenly taut and urgent. It makes Sara want to be reckless, makes her want to act on all these impulses she can barely contain around Ava half the time.

But then Sara remembers who she is and that there are some things she can never have – no matter how Ava may look at her. So Sara makes a lame quip about Ava’s timing and averts her eyes. She may need Ava, but Ava does not need her. She has her soulmate waiting for her. 

“It’s a Christmas miracle.” 

Ava sounds so awed that Sara can’t help but steal a glance at her. Ava’s eyes are gleaming, her lips turned up into a tremulous smile. “Happy birthday,” she murmurs softly, her smile slipping a little when Sara only gives her a curt nod in return.

Sara tries to ignore how her chest tightens at the sight. “We should get back to the ship,” she says and turns away before she has to watch Ava’s smile disappear altogether.

But it’s not as if Sara has a choice. She can’t very well tell Ava that she hates her birthday. Ava would only ask her why.

***

Sara realizes what she’s about to do a split second before she kisses him.

It’s the same thing she did at the wedding reception, with Alex. Sara doesn't regret it – just like she already knows that she won’t regret what will happen with Constantine now. It’ll be fun. Just like Alex was. The sex was great, and she was endearingly awkward afterwards, almost shy. 

Kind of like Ava is when she ducks her head after Sara has made a suggestive comment. 

Sara can never stop herself from making those. Even though she knows better. When it comes to Ava, there are lots of things Sara can never stop herself from doing. She can’t stop herself from looking at Ava for a little too long, her eyes lingering on the way Ava’s hair curls over her shoulders or the way her cheeks dimple when she smiles. She can’t stop herself from noticing the subtle shifts of brightness in Ava’s eyes and how they give away Ava’s feelings, no matter how hard she tries to hide them. Sara can’t stop herself from smiling at Ava, from standing too close to her and wanting to step even closer, into Ava’s arms, their bodies pressing together until there’s no space left between them.

It was different with Alex, and now with Constantine too. With them, Sara could stop herself at any time. But she doesn’t, because she needs this; she needs this reminder of who she is.

Sara isn’t the type of girl people take home to their parents, the type they make plans with for the future, for forever. She’s the substitute, the bit of fun that people distract themselves with until the real thing comes along. Constantine knows that, and Alex knew it too. It’s just herself that Sara has to keep reminding – over and over again.

Constantine’s jaw feels too square as she grips it, his stubble biting into her fingertips. His lips are chapped and curled up at the corner, always leaving room for the next cigarette, the next cocky smile or smug comment. They move deftly against Sara’s, unyielding and too practiced – nothing like the lips that Sara really yearns to kiss.

Constantine is nothing like Ava, and as Sara kisses him, she can only hope that this will be enough. That he’ll be enough to remind herself of who she is and that Ava isn’t for her. Because with Ava, Sara never has a choice. With Ava, she can never stop herself from hoping for forever, for a future that they won’t ever have.

***

“I’m not even real!”

Sara knows the feeling all too well. She knows what it’s like when everything you believe about your life turns out to be a lie; how it feels to find out that you’re unlike everybody else – unique, but in the most terrible of ways.

Ava’s blinking back tears, staring blindly at the army of clones in the other room. To anyone else they may look just like her, but Sara knows Ava. She can see all the subtle differences that set Ava apart from them. She can feel the spark that has only ever been there with Ava.

“Ava.” Sara grasps her by the shoulders and holds on, her fingers wrinkling Ava’s pantsuit with the strength of her grip. “You are real,” Sara promises when Ava finally looks at her.

Ava’s eyes flicker with doubt, and all at once, Sara can’t keep quiet anymore. She doesn’t want to. “You are as real as I feel about you,” she says, finally giving away what she has been trying so hard to keep to herself.

A soft sound escapes Ava’s throat, the muscles beneath Sara’s fingertips tensing up. “What do you mean?” she breathes.

Sara opens her mouth, only to close it again. She’s stumped for choice. There’s so much to say, so much that Sara adores about Ava, so many things she tried so hard not to notice about her. Ava is staring at her, wide-eyed and blushing, and Sara has to close her eyes for a moment, her chest overflowing with warmth, with all the tenderness she could never stop herself from feeling for Ava.

With her eyes still closed, Sara decides to tell her just that. She’ll be honest and tell Ava everything: how Sara was afraid – just as scared as Ava and just as lonely – and how she doesn’t want to be that anymore. Now, Sara wants to be brave, brave enough to defy destiny, together with Ava. They may not be soulmates, but Sara knows in her bones that they can be enough for each other. More than enough. They can be more than Sara ever dared to dream she could have.

Sara’s eyes open, only to immediately snap across the room. Gary’s clearing his throat while gesturing frantically at the clone army beyond the door.

Ava’s eyes cloud over and flicker away, and Sara knows that this is it. The moment will pass, and they’ll go back to being scared and lonely. 

But Sara doesn’t want to live like that anymore.

“Let me take you out on a date,” she blurts out. “As soon as this is over.” She tilts her head towards the door. “We can go on a date, and I’ll tell you all about my feelings,” she promises quietly. Gary clears his throat once more, and Sara gives Ava’s shoulders a final squeeze before she says, “I just wanted you to know that. You don’t have to answer right away.”

Ava doesn’t say a word, but for once, Sara doesn’t mind waiting. From the way Ava’s looking at her, she knows exactly what she’ll eventually choose to say.

***

The restaurant is much fancier than Sara imagined, and she couldn’t have known how serious she’d feel about Ava, just how much Ava would already mean to her, but Sara had seen this coming right from the start. She had always hoped that they’d end up on a date, right from the moment she first laid eyes on Ava. 

But it’s fine if Ava didn’t.

Their waiter leaves, and Sara lets out a shaky breath before she forces a smile and looks up from her cutlery. Ava’s own smile has grown a little fragile.

“I mean…” Ava’s eyes drop down to her plate. “I was beginning to think I was alone in this,” she admits quietly, “that you’d never ask me out, because you simply weren’t interested.” She hesitates, her throat bobbing as she swallows and then murmurs, “That you didn’t feel that way about me.” When she looks back up at Sara, her eyes are even brighter than before. 

Sara’s lips turn up at the corners. She draws in a deep breath, only noticing how tight her chest had gotten when it expands again and grows warm. Suddenly, she feels like a fool – for doubting that Ava wants this just as much as she does, but most of all for waiting all this time to ask her out. Then again, Sara had her reasons. 

“And then…” Ava trails off and glances down at her plate again. “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d never asked me out – not after 2213.” Her lips twist into a tight line before she forces out her next words. “Not after you found out what I am.”

Ava doesn’t say the word. As if it’s a bad thing. But it’s not – not to Sara at least. If anything, it gave her the courage to finally make the first move. 

“Ava.” Sara hesitates for only a second before reaching across the table. Ava’s hand feels just as warm and soft in hers as she imagined. “I don’t care about any of that.” 

Ava looks back up. The light blush that’s suddenly darkening her cheeks makes Sara’s stomach flutter. So much so, that it takes her a moment to notice that Ava’s smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. 

“But I care,” Ava says quietly. “I hate knowing that I came out of that factory; that I didn’t apply for my job but was designed for it; that I wasn’t hired but bought, that…” she cuts herself off and draws in a deep breath, “I hate that I didn’t get a choice in any of this, that all of it was forced on me.” She shakes her head and chuckles wryly. “I guess that’s why I never found the idea of soulmates all that appealing – even before I found out I’m a… clone.”

Ava’s eyes are wide and uncertain after finally getting the word out, and Sara tries to put all the warmth she feels for Ava into her smile. She squeezes Ava’s hand. “Then maybe it’s for the best that you don’t have a soulmate,” she teases gently, her smile only widening. 

Until she feels Ava’s fingernails dig into her palm.

Chapter Text

“How can you say that?”

Sara’s stomach drops as she watches the blush drain from Ava’s cheeks, leaving her face paler than Sara has ever seen it. Ava’s fingers slip out of her hand. 

“But I thought…” Sara scrambles for words. Her hand lies uselessly on the table, grasping at nothing now. “I thought because of what you…”

Ava doesn’t let her finish. “Because of what I am?” she spits out. “I have a soulmate – just like everybody else!” Wine sloshes out of their glasses as Ava grips the edge of the table with both hands, the dark liquid bleeding into the tablecloth. “How can you even say that when I saw color on…” Abruptly, Ava cuts herself off. She presses her lips into a tight line, her eyes suddenly shining with tears. “You know what?” she whispers, sounding small and defeated now. “It doesn’t even matter. All that matters is that I’m just as human as you are.” More wine seeps into the tablecloth as she pushes her chair back from the table and surges up.

“Ava…” Sara murmurs helplessly, but Ava is already half-way to the bathroom.

Sara stares after her. Ava looks stunning in her dress. Sara has only ever seen her in pantsuits – and in that Viking costume that one time – and now, she doesn’t take her eyes off Ava until she has turned the corner. Sara knows she won’t get to see her like this anymore. Tomorrow, Ava will go back to wearing pantsuits. There’ll be an impenetrable layer of professionalism between them at all times, and they’ll go back to what they were at the start: not even colleagues, but grudging collaborators. That’s all they can ever be to each other. 

Because Ava has a soulmate. 

Of course she does. Why would someone as wonderful as Ava – someone so kind and funny and beautiful – be cursed to remain alone? 

Sara has been deluding herself. She thought that she and Ava were the same when they couldn’t be more different. Sara’s the substitute. She’s someone to pass the time with while waiting for the real thing. But Ava is the real thing. She has someone waiting just for her.

Sara lets out a shuddering breath, her fingernails digging into her palms. Deep inside, she must have always known. Why else would she have tried to fight this for so long? Why else would she have pushed Ava away, trying again and again to forget about her? It never worked, and then, like a fool, Sara chose to ignore her gut feeling. She chose to ask Ava out when she should have known it could only ever end this way. Because Ava has a soulmate. She’s just as human as everybody else. Everybody, except for Sara.

A loud pop jolts Sara out of her daze. 

The couple at the other table has ordered champagne. Sara squeezes her eyes shut, blindly fumbling for the purse that Gideon fabricated for her, the one that Nate swore matches her dress. Her fingers are shaking. So much so that they crumple up the dollar bills before she has even dropped them on the table. Blinking back tears, Sara gets up from her chair. The couple at the other table is staring at her now, their faces full of pity. ‘Next time,’ the woman mouths, and Sara snaps her purse shut and walks away without another glance at them. 

She doesn’t want there to be a next time. Ava may have someone else waiting for her, but for Sara, Ava was it.

***

Sara doesn’t bother stopping by her quarters to change out of her ridiculous dress. She goes straight to the bridge – only to regret it before the portal has even flickered shut behind her.

“What are you doing here?” she asks wearily. 

“Had to move,” Zari mumbles around a mouthful of donut. She’s sprawled out in Sara’s favorite leather armchair. “Nate and Amaya were being disgusting in the kitchen.”

Sara trudges up the few steps to her office. “They still being sneaky about it?” she mutters as she grabs the bottle of scotch off the shelf.

“Yup.”

Sara turns back around, her glass full. She stares pointedly at her favorite chair for a moment, but Zari makes no move to get up. She’s too engrossed in the large box of donuts that’s balanced precariously on the side table to even notice Sara’s glaring.

Sara purses her lips, slowly breathing out through her nose before she slumps down in the wooden chair across from Zari.

“Whoa!” 

Zari has finally taken her eyes off her donuts and is staring at the generous amount of liquor Sara poured herself. “Big plans tonight, huh?”

Sara’s stomach goes cold, her fingers clenching around her glass.

“What are you doing here anyway?” Zari continues, a small frown appearing on her face as her eyes linger on Sara’s dress. “Isn’t this your big night out with Ava?”

Sara tugs at the hemline of her dress and swallows down a large gulp of scotch. “Yeah,” she murmurs.

Zari doesn’t say anything else. She just stares at Sara for a moment longer before she gives her a short nod and turns back to her box of donuts.

The bridge falls silent, save for the low humming of the engines. Sara takes another gulp from her glass, only to squeeze her eyes shut when the memory of Ava’s heartbroken expression suddenly flashes across her mind. With a rough shake of her head, she raises her glass once more. The scotch burns in her throat and all the way down to her stomach, but it’s not enough. It’s not nearly enough to numb the cold, hollow ache in Sara’s chest. Zari is still leaning over the cardboard box, and Sara watches her consider a chocolate glazed donut before picking one with sprinkles instead. Sara swallows. She has kept all of this to herself for so long; maybe she should finally tell someone about it – now that it’s all over. 

“I said something I shouldn’t have said,” Sara admits quietly. “I thought… I made some assumptions that hurt Ava’s feelings, and then I…” Sara trails off, her eyes dropping down to her glass as she suddenly realizes how the next part is going to sound. “I left while she was in the bathroom,” she finally murmurs.

When she looks back up, Zari is gaping at her. “You did what?”

“It wasn’t going to work out anyway.” Sara hates how defensive she sounds. “Nothing ever would have come from it, because she has…” She cuts herself off. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter,” she mumbles, hiding her face behind her glass before she takes another long, burning swig of scotch.

Zari is still staring at her.

“What?” Sara snaps.

“Ms. Tomaz is likely surprised at your behavior,” Gideon chimes in from the ceiling. “Leaving while one’s date is in the bathroom is considered very bad form,” she explains helpfully. “It seems a rather callous thing for you to do.” 

It is. 

Sara knows that it is. She knows that it’s a terrible, heartless thing to do; that in choosing to protect her own heart, she hurt Ava’s, that she rejected her when that’s the very thing Ava was so scared Sara would do. Scotch sloshes out of Sara’s glass and onto her lap, but she can’t keep her fingers from shaking. Not even when she wraps both hands around the glass and presses it down against her thigh. 

It feels like Ava rejected her too. But she didn’t. She was nothing but open and honest with Sara. It was Sara who couldn’t face the truth; Sara who had closed her eyes to it for so long that she deluded herself into believing she could have something that was never meant to be hers.

“Ava has a soulmate.”

“So?”

Sara’s eyes snap up from her glass. 

“Most people do,” Zari adds with a shrug.

“Well…” Sara lets out a short, mirthless laugh. “I don’t. And I’m not gonna stand in her way.” It’s a half-truth at least.

Zari scoffs. “As if you could.” She shakes her head while Sara gapes at her. “It’s Ava’s choice who she wants to be with,” Zari continues, all but rolling her eyes when she adds, “And she’s made it pretty clear who that is.”

Sara can’t help but think about the light in Ava’s eyes when she smiled at Sara, about the blush that darkened her cheeks when they held hands. “For now maybe,” she murmurs, “But what about later?” She takes another long swig from her glass, all but draining it before she forces out, “What happens when her soulmate shows up?” 

“Who knows?” Zari throws up her hands a little. “You can’t know how these things will work out. No one can.” She lets out a small scoff. “Not even time travelers – just look at Nate and Amaya. They found each other, they were happy and in love, and then they had the ugliest of break-ups – I mean, she went half a century back in time while he was out for donuts. And now…” she screws up her face for a moment. “They’re probably doing it on our kitchen counters.”

Sara doesn’t reply, but Zari leans forward in her chair anyway, her expression serious all of a sudden. “There are no guarantees, Sara. You learn that pretty quickly where I come from. I learned to take my chances when I got them.” She pushes herself to her feet, grabbing the box of donuts off the side table before she walks down the steps to the bridge. “Maybe you should too,” she says.

“It’s your choice.”

Chapter Text

The hallways of the Time Bureau headquarters are dark when Sara steps through the portal. It’s well past office hours.

She finds Ava in the break room, her back to the door as she tinkers with something by the overpriced espresso machine. Her pantsuit looks freshly-pressed, and her bun is even tighter than usual; not a hair out of place. Sara stares at the stiff set of Ava’s shoulders for a moment before she clears her throat.

Ava whirls around, only to freeze the moment she sees Sara. Her expression hardens, a muscle jumping in her jaw as she clenches it.

“Ms. Lance.”

Sara flinches at the renewed formality, but Ava doesn’t even notice. She has already turned back around. “I didn’t expect to see you again,” she says while Sara stares at the back of her head. “Not until the Legends screwed up another anachronism at least.”

Their banter was always one of Sara’s favorite things. She loved riling up Ava. She loved the way Ava would set her jaw and take a step closer, the slight uptick in her breathing and how her eyes would flash with something that was never quite irritation. But most of all, Sara loved Ava’s taunts. Not for what Ava was saying, but for how she said it. With a heated, almost breathless undertone – as if she too felt the spark between them, as if all her cutting remarks were nothing but a flimsy cover for what she was really feeling for Sara.

Now, Ava’s voice sounds nothing but empty. 

Sara takes in a shaky breath, but it does nothing to lighten the weight that’s suddenly bearing down on her chest. “I’m sorry for running off,” she murmurs.

The tense lines of Ava’s back grow even more rigid. “Are you?” she asks.

Sara can’t help but wince at how bitter she sounds. “Ava…” She takes a step closer. “Of course I am.” 

Ava nods her head once, the movement stiff and jerky. “Thank you for letting me know, Ms. Lance. If there’s nothing else…”

“Please, look at me, Ava.” Sara reaches out for her, but catches herself just in time. Her hand hangs uselessly in the air between them for a moment. “I never meant to hurt you,” Sara whispers, “I was just…”

“Shocked that someone like me could have a soulmate?” Ava whirls around, and Sara’s chest clenches when she finally gets a good look at her face. Ava’s eyes are gleaming with tears. “Why did you even go out with me?” Ava demands, “Out of pity?”

Sara flinches, the accusation hitting her like a blow to the chest. “No,” she breathes, and suddenly she feels just as helpless as in the restaurant, just as incapable of reaching Ava. “Of course not. Ava, I would never…”

“Why then? What did you expect from this date?” Ava’s hands are braced against the countertop behind her, her fingers digging into the edge of it. “I thought this was more than just a hookup to you, that you knew that…” She cuts herself off, her lips quivering slightly before they twist into a tight line. “Never mind,” she forces out, “Clearly we’re looking for different things.” 

She starts to turn away again, but this time Sara doesn’t stop herself from catching Ava by the elbow. “Of course this wasn’t just a hookup for me! How can you even say…”

“Do you really not know?” Ava asks tremulously. She stares at Sara, her eyes wide and unblinking. “Because I can understand…” she trails off, her throat bobbing as she swallows thickly and the tears gathered along her eyelashes finally start to fall. “I can understand not being… happy with who you're bound to, that you’re disappointed with me… with what I am,” she chokes out and squeezes her eyes shut, more tears running down her cheeks. “But you didn’t have to ask me out, you didn’t have to raise up my hopes, only to…”

But Sara doesn’t hear what else Ava has to say. Sara’s whole focus has narrowed down to her own fingers, to the way they’re clinging to Ava’s elbow and crushing wrinkles into the pristine fabric of her pantsuit. That’s all Sara can notice, now that she finally realizes what has happened – how terribly, heartbreakingly wrong Ava got everything.

“Ava…” Sara’s voice falters, her throat closing up around the words that have been haunting her for so long. She squeezes her eyes shut.

“I’m not your soulmate.” 

Sara tries to say it gently, both for Ava’s sake and her own. But Ava doesn’t even blink an eye. She just keeps staring at Sara. Until suddenly, she laughs. “Right,” she sneers, “Of course you’re not.”

Sara’s chest aches at the thought of lying about this – the one thing she wants more than anything else. “No,” she chokes out. Her voice breaks on the one word. “Why would you even think that?” 

“But…” Ava’s brows knit into a frown, and all the anger seems to drain out of her just as quickly as it flared up. “But, I saw color,” she whispers, “On the Viking mission. On your birthday.” 

A tiny spark of hope starts to flicker in Sara’s chest, but she snuffs it out again right away. She has to stop this – it’s not real! It’s nothing but another cruel twist of fate, and Sara has to stop lying to herself. 

“Your soulmate has the same birthday as me,” she says, “But it’s not me.” The words catch in her throat once more, but Sara forces herself to go on – it’s not only herself she has to stop lying to. “I’ve never seen color in all of my life,” she confesses, “I’m nobody’s soulmate.”

Sara drops her eyes, scared of what she’ll see on Ava’s face, but when she steals a glance, Ava doesn't look anything like she expected. There’s no trace of pity or revulsion on her face, no trace of what all the others looked like when they found out what’s wrong with Sara. Ava just looks confused and… defiant almost – as if she’s thinking of a way to prove Sara wrong.

But Sara won’t let her. She has spent so long railing against her fate – years filled with rage and envy and yearning for what she can’t have – and she won’t waste any more time. Not when she has even the slightest chance at something real with Ava. 

“I promised to tell you about my feelings on our first date.” Sara’s still hanging onto Ava’s elbow when she finally says what she came here for. “This can still count, right?” she adds pleadingly. All she needs is a chance to explain herself to Ava.

Ava doesn’t reply at first – she still looks like wants to argue with Sara. But then her eyes search Sara’s face, and the defiance in them gives way to something softer. She lets out a shuddering breath and nods at Sara.

“There’s a reason why I waited so long to ask you out,” Sara begins haltingly, her gaze drifting away from Ava before she forces herself to look back again. She owes Ava the truth. And more than that, Sara wants her to know these things; she doesn’t want to hide from Ava any longer.

“I was scared.”

Sara’s confession comes on a shuddered-out breath, and suddenly, she can’t hold back the rest of her words either. “I was scared, Ava, scared to ask you out, scared you’d say yes and that I’d get to be with you, only to lose you again.” She gasps in a harsh breath of air. “And I wasn’t going to… I knew that I couldn’t…” That weight is pressing down on Sara’s chest again, trapping the words in her throat until she can’t do anything but shake her head and change tack. 

“You wanted to know why I asked you out – back in that factory…” Sara’s voice falters again as she remembers – Ava’s face, her voice when she said she wasn’t real, and how terribly, achingly familiar all of it felt. “You were just so devastated. And I know it’s not much, that it can’t make up for what Rip did, but my feelings for you were always real. I was too scared to act on them, but they were always there and real, and I wanted you to know that.” Sara swallows. “That’s why I asked you out,” she murmurs, but then it takes her another moment before she can admit all of the truth. “And also because… I thought that if you didn’t have a soulmate either, there might be a chance for us to stay together… that you wouldn’t have to leave me…”

Ava’s elbow jerks, cords of muscle growing taut beneath Sara’s palm as Ava moves to interrupt her, but Sara needs to get all of this out before she loses her nerve. “But now I know better,” she says before Ava can even open her mouth. “I know that you do have someone else waiting for you, and that still scares me, Ava, that still scares me so much…” Sara has to squeeze her eyes shut for a moment. She sways closer to Ava, her fingers clinging to Ava’s elbow. There’s warmth seeping into Sara’s fingertips, even through the dense layer of Ava’s pantsuit, and Sara tries to take comfort in that – and in the way she can feel Ava lean in too. 

A memory flashes across Sara’s mind. One from the very beginning of their date, from before everything went to hell, before Ava even noticed her yet. Ava looked gorgeous as she followed the waiter to their table, but she also seemed uncertain, anxious even. Her eyes had flitted all over the room – until they finally settled on Sara. Ava smiled then. Her eyes had crinkled at the corners and grown bright, all her uncertainty melting away, and all at once Sara knew that this was it, the moment she had been waiting for all her life.

Sara startles when she feels Ava’s elbow slip out of her grasp. Her stomach goes cold as she watches Ava pull her arm away – until Ava takes Sara’s hand in her own and holds on tight. Sara stares down at their entwined fingers, and suddenly that same feeling of certainty is back again. This is the moment that counts, and Sara pours all her conviction, all that clarity and faith, into her next words.

“I’m not your soulmate, and I’m still scared,” she says, “But I love you, Ava, and I want to be with you. For as long as you’ll have me…” Sara trails off, uncertainty creeping up on her once more. “If you’ll have me at a–”

Ava cuts her off with a kiss. 

For a split second, Sara is frozen. Whenever she let herself imagine this moment, she pictured something shy and tentative. But there’s no hesitation in Ava’s kiss. Her lips press against Sara’s with just as much certainty as Sara has in her love for Ava, and suddenly all of Sara is in motion. 

With a whine, she surges forward and pulls Ava closer, pressing their bodies together until there’s no space left between them. Her fingers sink into Ava’s hair, messing up her perfect bun, and Sara can’t hold back another sigh at how soft it feels – just as soft as she imagined. Ava lets out a gasp as the kiss deepens, her mouth falling open beneath Sara’s lips. It makes the spark between them flare up, warmth blooming in Sara’s chest and spreading until every fiber of her being is awash with heat. A low sound escapes Ava’s throat. Her fingers tighten their grip on Sara, pressing into her hip and the small of her back, but then she abruptly breaks the kiss. 

“I won’t!” Ava gasps out.

Sara chases her lips, her mind still too hazy to understand, but Ava tilts her head back until she has caught Sara’s eyes. “I won’t leave you,” she murmurs fiercely, “I want to be with you and not some soulmate who may or may not be waiting for me.” She presses her forehead against Sara’s, and Sara locks her fingers at the nape of Ava’s neck and holds on tight. With a shuddered-out breath, Ava leans her head back and finds Sara’s eyes again. “I’m not waiting for anyone, now that I’ve found you.”

Sara’s lips tremble as they turn up into a frail smile. Her eyes flicker across Ava’s face, taking in her shining eyes and the small, earnest smile on her lips, but then they stray over Ava’s shoulder for just a moment and Sara sees it. The thing Ava was tinkering with when Sara came in, the thing that’s been hidden behind Ava’s back all this time. 

It’s a sad-looking grocery store cupcake with a single candle on it.

“It’s your birthday!” Sara gasps.

“Tomorrow,” Ava corrects her quickly, even though it doesn’t make much of a difference. Sara twists her wrist to look at her time courier. It’s five to midnight. 

“After everything we saw in that factory…” Ava cuts herself off to draw in a deep breath. “I wasn’t even sure if I had one.”

Sara hears the words, but all her attention is still on the stark, bright digits glaring back at her from the face of her time courier. She’s happy for Ava. Of course she is. Ava deserves a birthday and a soulmate and everything that’s good. But the thought of someone else – someone who isn’t Sara – seeing color at the stroke of midnight makes Sara’s chest hollow out. She sways back, her fingers losing their hold on Ava’s neck.

Ava draws her back in, and Sara tries to focus on that and not on the crushing doubt filling her mind. After another moment, though, she can’t hold back any longer. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks.

“To surprise you,” Ava murmurs, “If things went well…” A soft blush blossoms on her cheeks. “I thought I’d get to spend my birthday with you…” Her voice tapers off, but her eyes look more determined than ever as she pulls Sara even closer to herself. “I still want that. I want to spend my birthday with you – and every other day. Whatever happens in a few minutes, I will only ever want to be with you.” Her lips tremble for a moment. “Because I love you too,” she says.

She smiles at Sara, tremulous and sincere, and Sara can’t help the radiant smile that blooms on her own lips. Warmth floods her chest as she melts into Ava, her fingers clasped securely around Ava’s neck again. The seconds tick by, but Sara’s eyes stay on Ava’s smile. Only once do they stray to the face of her time courier, just in time to see the digits all turn to zeros. Sara squeezes her eyes shut. She keeps them closed as she kisses Ava again – just a few more moments in the dark, where the future is still unwritten and full of possibilities.

But all too soon, Sara’s eyes turn watery. She tilts her head back, breaks the kiss, and for a moment, she can’t see anything through the sheen of her tears. Until, all at once, her vision clears up.

Sara gasps. The world tilts, and Ava’s hands shoot out to steady Sara, holding onto her waist as she stumbles against Ava.

“Your eyes…”

Sara’s heart stutters in her chest. She cups Ava’s cheek, brushes away the strand of hair that has fallen into her eyes. And then, all she can do is stare. Fresh tears spring to her eyes, because it’s still there – the one thing Sara has never seen before. She was always sure, so sure, that Ava’s eyes couldn’t possibly get any more beautiful. But now they are. The color – Sara blinks. She can’t even begin to describe it. It’s deep and rich and so warm that Sara could spend forever just looking at it. She keeps searching Ava’s eyes and finds countless flecks of lighter hues that only seem to stand out more vividly against the blush that’s still coloring Ava’s cheeks. Sara brushes her thumb along Ava’s cheekbone, and then she can’t hold back another gasp. Ava’s eyes have grown wide, and the color shifts and brightens as they dawn first with understanding and then with awe.

“They’re blue,” Ava explains breathlessly, “Just like yours.”

“But how…” Sara’s gaze flickers across the room, from the drab beige of the walls to the dark brown of the countertop, the gleaming silver of the espresso machine, and then back again, to the deep blue of Ava’s eyes.

“It’s you,” Sara breathes. Tears roll down her cheeks, and her hands are trembling as they cradle Ava’s face. Ava’s eyes are still blue – are still the most beautiful thing Sara has ever seen. A sound escapes her throat, something between a sob and an incredulous laugh. “But how can it be you?”

“It’s my first birthday.” Ava’s voice is filled with just as much wonder as Sara’s. “The first one that’s real and not just some fake memory.” She reaches up to Sara’s cheek and brushes away a tear, her fingers lingering on Sara’s skin. “One year since Rip brought me back in time,” she whispers, “A little less since I met you.” Ava leans in. Her fingertips brush along Sara’s jaw and across the sensitive skin behind her ear, sinking into her hair until Ava’s cradling the back of Sara’s head. Ava’s gentle as she pulls Sara in – so gentle that Sara feels it in her chest. The spark is gone now. But Sara doesn’t miss its constant flickering. Not when there’s a warm, steady glow in its stead that only grows brighter with everything Ava does. 

Ava’s lips brush along Sara’s forehead as Sara melts into her. “I’m sorry,” she breathes into Sara’s hair, “Sorry you had to wait for me for so long.” But the long wait and all the regrets of the past are the furthest thing from Sara’s mind right now.

As Sara presses her face into the crook of Ava’s neck, all she can think about is the future.

***

They spend the rest of Ava’s first real birthday in her apartment. Together, just like they both always hoped they would. And when Sara wakes up the next morning – warm in Ava’s arms and from Ava’s lips brushing across her skin – she still sees everything perfectly. Ava’s eyes are the same beautiful color as they were on her birthday. A deep, vivid blue that Sara will never have to go without again.