Chapter Text
A week after Adam left for America, Kaoru let his phone die.
Three days after that, Kojiro showed up, pounding on the door. Not the door to his apartment, no; the door to his bedroom.
At the time, Kaoru was still in bed, like he had been for much of the past several days. It was early afternoon, although it would be easy to miss that fact given that the shades on both windows were drawn shut to block out most of the light.
He was not in the mood for visitors.
"Kaoru, c'mon, open up," Kojiro was saying, knocking on his door with the most infuriating knock Kaoru had ever heard in his entire life, like he was just punching it, dead-on, at random intervals. "You dead in there? Hey!"
Kaoru groaned in frustration as he sat up and rose to his feet. His head swam woozily with the sudden exertion of stomping to the door, and he distantly registered that he hadn't eaten anything since the evening before. He flung the door open and scowled at Kojiro like he was a pile of so much shit. "What do you want?"
"To make sure you're alive, dumbass," Kojiro said, shouldering past him and twirling the spare key he must have used to get into the apartment on his finger. "You weren't answering your phone."
"Clingy, much?" Kaoru scoffed. "That key is supposed to be for emergencies, you know."
"You disappeared for three days, Kaoru," Kojiro said, yanking the curtains open. "For all I knew, it was an emergency. You could've been rotting away in here."
Kaoru winced, shielding his eyes from the light suddenly streaming in through the window. "Well, I'm clearly not."
Kojiro gave him a long, appraising look, and Kaoru became uncomfortably aware of how he must look, standing there in less-than-clean sweatpants and an old t-shirt with holes in both armpits, hair uncombed for a couple days at minimum, contact lenses forsaken for glasses he usually did not permit anyone to see him in, all but hissing at a glimpse of sunlight like some kind of nocturnal creature.
After a moment too long, Kojiro just said, "You sure about that?"
"Fuck off," Kaoru muttered, his tone too lethargic to have any real bite.
"C'mon, man. What's going on with you?" Kojiro said. He had opened the other set of curtains now, too, and stood in front of them with his hands on his hips, waiting for an answer with concern etched in his brow.
It pissed Kaoru off. He crossed his arms, covertly digging his fingers into his triceps. "I'm fine."
"For fuck's sake..." Kojiro sighed, pushing his hand back through his hair in exasperation. Looking down, he noticed Kaoru's phone laying on the bed. He picked it up and flipped it open, looking at the dark screen. "Oh, so your phone died? What’s wrong with it?”
"Nothing. The battery just ran out," Kaoru said, snatching it out of Kojiro's hand as though it could be snooped through.
Kojiro looked pointedly at the phone charger still plugged into the wall, practically within arm's reach of the bed, and then back at Kaoru. "Uh- huh. And you didn't plug it in to charge, why?"
"I... was spending too much time on it," Kaoru said, averting his eyes. "I thought maybe I'd be better off if I couldn't anymore – not that it's really any of your business."
Kaoru could feel Kojiro's eyes on him for every moment of the long silence that followed, despite that he resolutely avoided meeting his gaze, opting instead to fidget with his dead phone.
Finally, Kojiro heaved another sigh and spoke. "This is about Adam, isn't it?"
Kaoru flinched, glancing up at him with an unreadable expression for only a split second before dropping his gaze back to his feet.
Kojiro shifted on his feet, rubbing the back of his neck as if this subject physically drained him. "Still haven't heard from him, huh?"
"No shit I haven't, idiot, " Kaoru snapped, hating himself for how his eyes stung, and even more for how a part of him was holding on to the delusion that Adam had contacted him by now, and he just didn't know it yet. It was why he had yet to work up the strength to charge it, and burst that tiny little bubble of hope.
"Jeez, take it easy," Kojiro said, holding his hands up in a placating gesture as he sat down beside Kaoru on the unmade bed without asking. "I haven't either, I just thought maybe..."
"Maybe what?"
"...Nothing," Kojiro said. "It sucks. I didn't expect him to just ghost when he got to the States..."
"Yeah, well, that's what happened," Kaoru said flatly. "No use crying about it."
"Pft, That's rich, coming from you ."
"Why? Do you see me crying?”
"Oh, my mistake, laying around in the dark all day pining is so much better," Kojiro said, rolling his eyes. "Much better, and totally different from crying."
"I have not been pining," Kaoru spat, jostling his shoulder into his.
"Are you kidding me? I've seen this whole 'lovesick maiden wastes away' thing before in the dramas my sister watches, and you're checking off all the boxes," Kojiro said. "I mean, no offense, but when's the last time you showered?"
"'Lovesick ?'" Kaoru scoffed, sneering. "I don't even know what you're talking about."
"Kaoru. I saw how you looked at him. I know."
Kaoru's eyes widened, and for a horrifying split second, he could feel his face start to crumple and he really thought he was going to cry. He swallowed hard, digging his nails into his palms until the threat passed. "So it was that obvious."
Kojiro shrugged, and Kaoru knew he was being charitable. "I know you."
For a long moment, all Kaoru could do was just breathe until the lump in his throat began to dissipate. "So what? You've come here to mock me?"
"I'm not mocking you, dumbass," Kojiro said. "God, Kaoru, why are you like this?"
"Like what?"
"You get all pissy when anyone's too nice to you," Kojiro said. "Like everyone's just waiting for a chance to screw you over."
"...it's safest to expect the worst," Kaoru said. “This situation is proof of that.”
“You think that’s healthy?” Kojiro said.
Kaoru shrugged. “It would hurt less, maybe.”
“Aw, jeez, Kaoru...” Kojiro said, his tone much softer than it had been before as he put his hand on Kaoru’s shoulder.
The warmth and sympathy in Kojiro’s voice, as well as in his unexpected touch, made Kaoru feel utterly pathetic, and raised his hackles even more. “Don’t fucking touch me. I haven’t showered, remember?” he said with a sneer, snatching Kojiro’s hand away and rising to his feet.
“I’m just trying to help-”
“This is your idea of helping ? Barging in unannounced, telling me I smell bad, and patting me on the back like I’m a little kid who dropped their ice cream cone?!" Kaoru said. He was on the verge of shouting, but Kojiro didn't even flinch; he just kept watching him with this sympathetic look that made Kaoru’s skin crawl. "Well?! Aren't you going to say anything?"
Kojiro shrugged. "If you need someone to take it out on, I can handle it," he said. "If that's what it takes to get you out of this funk. I just want my best friend back."
Kaoru's jaw slackened momentarily at that, his eyes welling up much too fast for him to fight, and then Kojiro's hands were on his shoulders again. He didn't have the strength in him to resist being led to sit down on the bed again, or to reject the embrace he was pulled into, which somehow just made him start crying harder.
"I must really be at rock bottom, for you to be babying me like this," he finally managed, wiping snot from his downcast face as discreetly as he could.
"Hey, you don't kick a man when he's down. I'm not a total asshole."
Kaoru laughed at that - it was an ugly, hiccuping squawk more than anything, but still, it was the closest he'd come to smiling in days. "Since when?"
"Since always," Kojiro said, bumping his shoulder against Kaoru's.
"Could've fooled me," Kaoru quipped, letting out a half-hearted scoff as he wiped his eyes.
The room went silent, save for an occasional sniffle, for a long moment before Kojiro spoke up again. "Hey, maybe what you need is a rebound. They always say the best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else."
Kaoru rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. As if I could do that."
"What's stopping you?"
"Well, I'm not like you. I can't just hop into bed with anything that moves–"
"I'm only gonna let that slide because you're having a hard time."
"–and as you've apparently surmised... my pool of potential mates is a lot smaller than yours," Kaoru said wryly, ignoring the interruption. "Besides... me and him never even– did anything. So I'm not sure that advice even applies."
"'Cause you never got to be under him in the first place?"
Kaoru nodded, cringing at the absurdity and vulgarity of the discussion, then froze. "Wait, why are you assuming I'm a bottom?!"
Kojiro burst out laughing, so much so that he needed a moment to collect himself while Kaoru scowled at him before he could respond. He shrugged. "Like I said... I know you, Kaoru."
"You are the worst–"
"Oh yeah?" Kojiro taunted, already raising his arms to deflect against the pillow Kaoru was picking up with clear violent intent. "Am I wrong, then?"
"...I suppose I wouldn't really know yet what I am," Kaoru said, lowering the pillow to his lap.
"Pft, what, just because you haven't done it yet? That doesn't make a difference," Kojiro said. "When you fantasize, what do you think about?"
Kaoru's eyes widened. "Don't ask me that, you degenerate–"
"I'm not asking for details ," Kojiro said, putting his hands up again. "But it should be a simple question, hm? When you're jerking off or whatever, do you think about taking it up the–"
"Don't be so fucking vulgar ," Kaoru said, jabbing him in the ribs with his elbow.
" Ow! See? Maybe getting laid would mellow you out, at least."
"I'll take that under advisement," Kaoru said, rising to his feet and stomping out of the room without looking back.
"Where are you going?" Kojiro called after him.
"I'm taking a shower," he shouted back. "If you want to actually make yourself useful, go and get us something to eat."
Kaoru shut the door to the bathroom with unnecessary force, stopping to lean against it and catch his breath once it was shut. Even shedding tears had been the most he'd exerted himself in days; he had seen spots in his vision from rising too quickly to storm out of the room, and he was shaky on his feet. A sharp pang of hunger struck him as he leaned down to turn on the shower tap, followed by an intense wave of nausea, and he had to clamp his hand over his mouth and take several breaths waiting for it to pass; he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten a real meal.
By the time he was out of the shower, Kojiro had already returned with takeout and set it out on the table. After sitting down without comment, Kaoru busied himself with trying to detangle his hair, which had perhaps suffered more than anything else the past several days.
Kojiro shoved the array of fast food towards him, then strode behind him and took the comb from his hand. "Go ahead and eat, I'll work on the bird's nest."
"I can comb my own hair," Kaoru objected, whirling around in his chair to face him, intent on grabbing the comb back, but the quick movement made him see spots.
"And you will, once something's in your stomach," Kojiro said. "But right now, you can barely lift your arms to do it, and you look like you're about to pass out, so I'm taking over."
" Ugh, " Kaoru said, popping a french fry into his mouth in exasperation. "What in the world do you know about taking care of hair, anyway?"
"I've got sisters, remember?" Kojiro said. "I can even do braids, thank you very much."
"Wow, I never knew gorillas could be so dextrous."
"Watch it," Kojiro said, giving the lock of hair he was working on a painless tug in warning.
Kaoru only smirked and kept on eating. To his surprise, Kojiro moved the comb through his hair slowly and cautiously, working his way up the length of the strands and stopping to coax the tangles apart with his fingers whenever the tines encountered resistance. The rhythm of Kojiro's clumsy but gentle fingers moving through his hair soothed him, as did the warmth of the food filling his belly, and his mind soon wandered. "So, when did you figure out I was gay, anyway?"
"I can't remember ever having a light bulb moment about it," Kojiro said after considering it for a moment. "It's like I just... figured it out. Even before Adam. I mean, I've never seen you look twice at a girl... and there were other signs."
"Like what?" Kaoru asked, the skepticism in his voice not quite masking the curiosity.
"Well, when we were kids, you wanted to play doctor with me," Kojiro said.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Don't most boys use that as an excuse to see what's under girl's clothes?"
" 'Most?' I think you're telling on yourself," Kaoru said, rolling his eyes.
"No, I was stuck with your cranky ass as a patient, remember? You ought to, you kicked me hard enough."
"You were testing my reflexes–"
"That kick was not a reflex!"
"Well, you deserved it for getting glue in my hair earlier that day," Kaoru huffed.
"Ahh, so you admit it was on purpose!"
"...there may have been other factors at play that influenced how I responded."
"Jeez, why do I put up with you?" Kojiro asked, sighing theatrically. Kaoru's response was only to stare into the distance as he ate, and the barbed retort Kojiro had expected never came. "Hey, I'm just kidding. You know that, right?"
"I know," Kaoru said, monotone. "Really, how fragile do you think I am?"
"You were making the zombie eyes, I thought something was wrong," Kojiro said. "Jeez, forget I said anything."
"I was just thinking."
"Oh yeah? What about?"
"About how you're full of shit, actually. There's no way you knew I was gay all this time and never made fun of me for it."
"Why would I make fun of that? I like guys, too," Kojiro said, as if it wasn't a revelation.
Kaoru whipped his head around to look at him, wincing as the motion caused the comb's tines to catch on a knot before it fell from Kojiro's hand. "What?!"
"Relax, I'm not gonna jump your bones," Kojiro said, leaning over to retrieve the comb, which had clattered onto the floor.
Kaoru leaned back in his chair, watching him with a brow raised in skepticism. "What, I'm not your type?"
Kojiro chuckled, shrugging. There was only a slight pause, one Kaoru would soon lay awake analyzing, before he responded, "I wouldn't kick you out of bed."
"Tch." Kaoru snatched the comb from his hand. "It just seems strange that you never mentioned it until now."
"Well, so far, I've only hooked up with women. So there wasn't much reason to bring it up..." Kojiro said. "And you've been pretty preoccupied these days, anyway. Been a long time since it was just us. "
"I guess you're right about that," Kaoru said, guilt settling in his gut alongside the now unfamiliar volume of food he was taking in. He had all but forgotten that there had been life before Adam.
He was still wondering when exactly that had happened a while later as he watched Kojiro step into his shoes, his shirt stretching taut across his ever-broadening shoulders as he bent down to tie them. Kojiro had always been big, but when had he gotten quite so huge? Kaoru didn't know the answer to that, either.
"I plugged in your phone, by the way," Kojiro said as he stood back up and turned to face Kaoru again, unaware of his scrutiny. "You can just ignore all the missed calls and texts from me... y'know, just like you've been doing."
Kaoru grunted assent, not wanting to linger on the thought of his phone.
"Well, I can't fix a broken heart, but I hope you feel a little better now, at least. With food in your belly, and all," Kojiro said, lingering in the doorway and watching Kaoru with maddeningly sympathetic eyes.
Kaoru just shrugged, overly-conscious of his crossed arms, sure that Kojiro must be able to see the extent to which he was literally holding himself together. His fears were confirmed when Kojiro pulled him into an awkward sideways hug.
"Sorry there's not more I can do," Kojiro said. "But hey… at least you smell good again, right?"
"Yeah, thanks a lot," Kaoru said, rolling his eyes as Kojiro released him. He could still feel every place their bodies had touched, like some kind of tactile echo, and he realized then that he wasn't sure when the last time anyone touched him had been.
"I'll come by again tomorrow," Kojiro said, waving over his shoulder as he turned to leave.
Guilt twisted in Kaoru's stomach again, and his mouth was dry when he spoke. "Hey, Kojiro?"
He stopped and turned around. "What is it?"
A grimace flickered across Kaoru's face for a moment, and he fidgeted with his still-damp hair, searching for a split end, to avoid looking at him as he spoke. "...thanks."
Kojiro just chuckled and said, "You know I've always got you, Kaoru."
And with that, he turned and left, leaving Kaoru alone with his thoughts once again. He was intent on falling right back into bed, but as soon as he made it into his room, he instead found himself crouching on the floor, pressing the heels of his hands to his closed eyes, trying to process not only the events of the past couple hours, but also the humiliation of discovering that Kojiro had changed his bedsheets at some point.
Groaning, he rose back to his feet and belly-flopped onto the bed. As much as he was mortified by Kojiro's interventions, there was no denying that life did feel a little more bearable lying on clean sheets once again pulled taut to the corners of the mattress.
Even as he fell asleep again, he could still feel Kojiro's arm around his shoulder.