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It was almost unnoticeable, he thought.
He never stopped moving, not really. On the run, that’s obvious. Moving to live, moving to survive, moving to die later. Prolonging the inevitable. After so many years it was ingrained into him, he couldn’t help it. If he wasn’t at practice, his leg was shaking, his fingers were tapping, he was tugging on the loose strings of fabric on his shirt. Anything and everything to move . Focus on something other than himself. And it was fine, he was fine. As long as he could move and breathe, he was fine.
Until he wasn’t.
Until his past caught up with him in the worst possible way. Until there were knives and burns and blood and-
He was Neil Josten. His father and his demons were buried in Baltimore and he had a family. The Foxes fought for him, Andrew told him to stay, and he can’t run anymore. He doesn’t want to run anymore.
Neil only realized something was wrong after something had already gone wrong. He was nursing a mild concussion after being slammed sideways by his mark during a game. Compared to everything he’s been through, he really was fine. Regardless, Abby had whisked him away to her office, slapped a pill jar in his hands, and told him he wouldn’t be on the court for a few weeks.
Whatever. Andrew made sure he took the pills so he wouldn’t keel over and injure himself more. Neil only took them because he wanted to get back to practice faster. And they worked. His head cleared quickly and the rattling in his brain quieted, he was fine.
That’s when he realized, though. He still hurt. Not his head, no, but everywhere else. His knees, elbows, his knuckles. Hell, even his joints ached like he was 80 years old. It was a dull pain, he didn’t notice it unless he moved sharply or sat at an odd angle, but it was there nonetheless. It was pretty much unnoticeable. Neil was certain the only reason he noticed it at all was because he was coming off of fairly strong pain meds, and all the twinges and pains in his body came back while the migraines slowed.
It wasn’t bad enough to impact his playing. He’d been dealing with it unconsciously this whole time after all. But he couldn’t help but think about it now that he’s realized.
“Staring.”
Andrew’s voice snapped him out of his head and he smiled at him, watching the moonlight coming in through the window change his eyes into a warm honey.
“Yeah,” Neil whispered, not looking away until Andrew’s fingers dug into his cheek and pushed him in the opposite direction.
Neil laughed lightly, steadying himself on the couch as his ankle pricked at him. He slowly stretched his leg out along the cushions, knocking his foot against Andrew’s thigh. His only response was a raised eyebrow. Neil met his eyes in a silent Yes or No? and at Andrew’s incline of his head, threw his legs on top of his lap.
They sat in comfortable silence, staring at each other as laughter and voices came from the hallway and rooms around them. Neil’s brain went back to the muted pain currently coursing through his ankle and abruptly looked away from Andrew.
He wanted to tell him. He promised the truth, didn’t he? It felt… bad, keeping anything from Andrew. Even something as stupid and small as this. Fuck, he didn’t even know about this until today! Logically he knew he wasn’t lying or keeping anything from Andrew right now, but if he didn’t tell him now he might end up doing it.
“Hey, ‘Drew?” Neil managed to speak, wiggling his feet atop Andrew’s lap until his ankle cracked and in the stillness of the room he’s sure Andrew heard it too.
Andrew’s gaze flickered down to his foot for a moment before lazily dragging back up to his eyes, an unspoken question in them.
“I think there’s something wrong with me.”
“Just now figuring it out, junkie?” Andrew quips easily, voice flat but Neil saw the small almost nonexistent furrow of his brow.
“No I mean… my body, I’ve realized that it still hurts?” It came out as a question towards the end, whether it was for himself or Andrew he had no idea.
Realizing Andrew wasn’t going to speak until he continued, Neil sighed,
“It’s not my scars. They don’t hurt anymore, it’s more like my joints-” his leg started bouncing and Andrew brought his hand to it, willing him to sit still, “-and after coming off those painkillers Abby gave me it’s all so much more noticeable. My knees, my hands, my legs… I’m fucked up, right? After everything, something like this is what I end up with.”
Neil’s voice was thick, and he swallowed harshly as his leg started moving again. Andrew’s eyebrow furrow was more pronounced now, and he sat up straighter. His hand wrapped around Neil’s ankle slowly, giving him time to pull away if he wanted. When Neil didn’t, Andrew started rubbing circles on the joint gently, tugging Neil closer to him with his other hand.
“How bad,” Neil opened his eyes at the sound of Andrew’s voice, unaware he even closed them.
“Not bad at all, I’m f- I never noticed it until now. I don’t know if it’s always been there or if it’s new. But it’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. Abby’s tomorrow,” It came out like a demand but Neil knew it was a question. Andrew had his phone flipped open to Abby and glanced at Neil, waiting for his response while typing out a message. Neil nodded even though Andrew wasn’t looking at him then opened his mouth,
“Yeah. Abby’s tomorrow.”
Internally Neil groaned, even if they went first thing in the morning, they’d be missing part of practice at best and missing it entirely at worst. It was supposed to be his first practice back after his concussion and he was aching to run. Or maybe he was just aching. Technicalities.
“Stop thinking about exy.” Andrew sneered from beside him, still massaging the skin on his ankle slowly.
“Kevin is going to be insufferable, and you know it,” He groaned outwardly this time, threading his fingers through his curls.
“The Queen can survive one more day.”
“But what if I can’t? I can’t get my mind off it,” Neil smirked, leaning in toward Andrew’s face.
“I’m sure you could find a distraction,” Hazel flitted down at Neil’s lips before meeting his eyes, and Neil wiped the smile off his face with his hand, dipping forward.
“Yes or no?”
Andrew’s answer was crashing their lips together.
Neil woke up on a bed, and for a moment he had no idea where he was. Then he heard Kevin’s horrendous snoring from the other side of the room and knew. He was sure he fell asleep on the couch with Andrew. So he either walked to bed in a half asleep haze, or Andrew carried him. It brought a small smile to his lips no matter which it was, because he felt the warmth of Andrew’s body a few inches away from his own.
He allowed himself to stare at Andrew’s sleeping face as the light filtered in through the curtains, it was still early. Moments later Andrew went completely still, opening his eyes and relaxing when he registered Neil next to him. He flopped his hand down in the gap between them. Neil grabbed it with a hum. Andrew’s fingers found the pulse on Neil’s wrist.
“Rabbity today.” He murmured into the morning air.
Neil scowled and settled a glare with no weight onto the blond. Andrew’s eyes glinted with amusement. He gave Neil’s wrist one more squeeze then pulled himself up and climbed over Neil off the bed. He quickly dressed and made a Get a move on gesture towards the door and tapped an imaginary watch on his own wrist before walking out.
When Neil finally emerged from the bedroom and made his way to the kitchen, Andrew had coffee brewing and two mugs in front of him. His step faltered when he stretched and felt his arm twinge, a soft grunt coming from his mouth before he could stop it. Andrew settled him with an unamused look, hooking two fingers into Neil’s belt loop and pulling him closer until he stopped an inch away.
As Neil poured coffee into the mugs, the bedroom door opened again harshly and Kevin stepped out in all his underdressed glory.
“Really, Kev?” Neil huffed, watching Andrew pour a frankly disgusting amount of sugar and creamer into his coffee out of the corner of his eye. Andrew then pulled a third mug out in front of him and slid it over to Neil.
“Coffee,” Was the only thing Kevin muttered, making his way to the counter to accept the mug Neil handed him. As he drank his eyes strayed to the clock on the oven and he spluttered,
“Holy shit it’s early. Why are you two up and dressed? What about-” Neil cut him off easily.
“Abby. I need to tell her something.”
Kevin looked over him up and down, likely trying to find out how he had hurt himself this time. His mouth tilted down in annoyance or maybe concern, Neil didn’t care. Andrew seemed to find a mark on the fridge particularly interesting at this moment so Neil grimaced and looked up at Kevin.
“We’re just going to talk. I might not make it to practice.”
“Your head?” Kevin guessed, frowning more before speaking again, “You’ve already been out for weeks. You need to come today! You’re falling too much behind, your footwork could really-”
Kevin faltered in his exy crusade at the withering look Andrew finally sent his way, stomping his foot petulantly.
“Not my head. I can play like usual, so stop that. I’ll probably even make it to practice late, so.” Neil trailed off, and Kevin looked like he was questioning whether to believe him. After a look at Andrew who’s face had faded back to blank, he nodded with a grumble under his breath.
He made his way toward the sink and snatched the mugs from Neil and Andrew’s hands as he passed, setting them all down in the sink before turning it on and starting to wash one. A quiet,
“Then go now. Go already. Don’t be late to practice,” was heard over the sound of water and Neil grinned at him as Andrew immediately walked towards and out the door without looking back, car keys spinning on his finger.
“See you, Kev.”
As soon as they pulled up to the court, Neil started questioning his sanity - not for the first time. He’s not scared of Abby, but it feels like this is wasting both his and her time. There’s nothing wrong with him. It’s so early, too. He’s making Abby, Andrew, and even Kevin wake up earlier than anyone wants to, all because his body hurts sometimes? Neil scoffed under his breath. In a sport like exy that’s probably normal. He can move, he can play, he’s fine, right?
“Out of your own head, rabbit.”
The sound of a car door slamming as Andrew walked towards the building forced Neil to hop out as well, and if he was shuffling his feet in an attempt to stall, well, only Andrew knew.
Andrew opened the door to Abby’s office without stopping to knock, waiting in the threshold before Neil trudged in behind him. Abby looked up from the stack of papers she was flipping through with a start, before a gentle smile settled across her face,
“Good morning, boys. Everything alright?” As she spoke her gaze slid to Neil in a not so subtle look, and Neil knew Andrew had probably left the details vague in the text he sent her last night. He attempted a smile but it came out more like a grimace.
Neil made his way to the examination chair and sat down roughly as Andrew walked off to the bookshelf Abby had set up in the corner, picking one randomly and flipping through it loudly. He flipped all the way to the end of the book then promptly slammed it shut and put it back, grabbing another. Neil looked from Andrew to Abby, who had approached him before stopping a few feet away, a smile still on her face.
“Um. Yes. I just have something to tell you. Maybe a question? But I’m fine.” Neil quickly spoke. Abby waited patiently. She learned with Neil it was better to let him go at his own pace a long time ago.
“The meds you gave me for the concussion were great. My head doesn’t hurt anymore, so, thanks for that,” He started off awkwardly. Truth was hard. “But it made me realize that the rest of my body still hurts? It’s not a new injury and it’s not where my scars are, and I have no idea if I’ve always felt it or if it’s from Baltimore– or– somewhere else– it’s not enough to affect my playing but it’s a dull pain–” Neil faltered, running out of steam.
To her credit, Abby kept up with his rambling and was writing notes quickly down on the clipboard in front of her, nodding. After a few moments of silence she spoke.
“Okay, is it alright if I run a few tests? Nothing major, just some basic reflex tests and you can also show me the areas where there’s pain.”
Neil’s breath came out quicker than usual before he realized it was happening. He trusted Abby as much as he could trust a medical professional, but that doesn’t mean he wants anyone poking and prodding at him. He only put up with regular check ups to continue playing exy, but if there really is something wrong with him again he doesn’t know what he would do. It’s like saying even after all the torture and bloodshed he survived, he’ll always be broken. He’ll always be fucked up. One step forward two steps back. Neil choked on nothing, tapping his fingers across his thigh before flexing them and grabbing his jeans with a straining grip when pain shot through them.
A sharp snap made him flinch his head towards the noise, and his eyes met Andrew’s directly. He had closed another book harshly, drawing him out of his own head. Andrew’s eyes burned under the bright fluorescent lights and tilted his head to the side slightly as he put the book back with more force than necessary. Neil nodded to the best of his ability. Andrew strode over to his side and laid his hand across the back of Neil’s neck, forcing him to simultaneously look back up at him and take a deep breath.
“ Breathe, rabbit. What happened ,” He asked in Russian, ignoring Abby who had turned back to her notes to let them speak.
The touch grounded Neil, but he still didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to admit this to Andrew. That even after everything he still couldn’t be normal. That maybe after everything he really wasn’t okay.
Andrew knocking his thigh into Neil’s made him inhale deeply, a silent ask, and he took a few more steady breaths before opening his mouth.
“What if there’s something really wrong with me, Andrew? I thought I was past all this, finally. And something as small as this is making me spiral,” Neil shook his head trying to dispel his own thoughts. He was being ridiculous and he knew it. Andrew said nothing as he looked into Neil’s eyes, tightening his grip on his neck. He was waiting for Neil to steady himself.
“ So? ”
After a pause of Neil staring at Andrew confusedly, he continued.
“ There’s always been something wrong with you. Do you really think I’d care any more now than I did before. You aren’t a broken toy, Neil. ” Andrew’s eyes narrowed, “ Take care of yourself. You aren’t running anymore, ”
Andrew said it like it was so simple. And maybe it was. Neil’s lips twitched into a weak smile, and Andrew’s grip finally lightened a bit. Andrew let out a small breath that Neil is sure no one else would have been able to tell. Neil cleared his throat a few times before glancing over to Abby, who was waiting patiently.
“Yes. Tests are fine,” It came out slightly stilted and his voice shook a bit, but Abby only smiled and pulled on a pair of gloves.
“Thank you, Neil. I’ll walk you through this as I go, won’t even take ten minutes!”
As Abby ran through the tests and asked basic questions about his state, Andrew stood sentinel beside Neil with his hand on his neck. Abby was right, it didn’t take long at all. She wrote down some more notes before turning to the pair.
“I believe you when you say the pain isn’t bad, but whether that’s from high pain tolerance or you’re used to the level of pain I’m unsure. I’m gonna give you some mild pain killers for you to take this week to see if that helps some. Next week I’ll follow up with you and we can discuss more options such as physical therapy then. Right now it seems like a clear cut case of post-traumatic pain. Some of your nerves have gotten damaged at some points of your body, but it will be okay,” Abby said clinically, quickly adding, “You can still attend practice as normal this week, but take today off because of the new pills you’ll be taking.”
Neil nodded, both relieved it was over and a weird surge of adrenaline coursing through him at the diagnosis. Abby dug through a few bottles and handed one over to Andrew, telling him the possible side effects and dosage and to keep an eye on Neil. Andrew let out a short scoff at her as he pocketed the pills. Neil was glad, because he stopped listening to her after she said he could practice this week.
Abby wished them good luck and said they were good to go, she’ll send Coach a message about the situation. Andrew’s hand on Neil’s neck slid down his shoulders and arms until he reached his hand, interlocking their pinkies together. He tugged once and made his way to the door, pulling Neil out.
By this time, practice must have just started from the noises he could hear on the court, and Neil looked longingly toward the court doors.
“Keep moving, junkie.” Andrew said with no heat, moving them both toward the parking lot.
“Kevin’s gonna be pissed, I guess I lied to him this morning,”
“Tragic.” Andrew shrugged, a ghost of a smile on his face. It was just the smallest tilt up of his lips but Neil couldn’t look away, and a grin of his own took over his features as he knocked his shoulder into the blond.
“You’ll just have to distract me from exy again it seems, very tragic.”
“Move it, Abram.”