Work Text:
“We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.”
― Chris Cleave, Little Bee
Before the war you would find Kestrel in the most beautiful dresses. It wasn’t that she cared much about her appearance, but with her social life and Jess around she always dressed fashionably.
Her dressing room had been full with majestic gowns, classy and elegant, some of them quite daring, with a low back and transparent silk sleeves.
After the war, after the Valorians and Herrani signed a peace treaty and established and economic union, Kestrel had only one wish concerning her attire: it should hide as much skin as possible. Loong sleeves, high neckline and gloves. How she survived the hot summer days, Arin had no idea.
After Verex coronation Kestrel and Arin moved into a small house near the castle, since both of them were active as his advisers. They had the option to move back into Kestrel’s old house, Arin’s old house, but they decided against it; too many memories of their dead families.
It came natural living together, sharing one space. And though they shared a bed, they haven’t been intimate witch each other in that way yet.
Any time their kisses turned deeper and more passionate, Kestrel would break away, lost in memories. When he’d ask her what was wrong, she would shut him out and avoid him for the rest of the day.
And Arin didn’t push her. He just hoped that one day she would be ready and trust him enough to share her troubles.
Though they didn’t talk about it, he could guess the reason she changed in the dark bathroom, avoided mirrors and didn’t want to see her own skin.
***
It was the night after Verex's wedding, they were lying in bed embracing each other, when the truth spilled from her lips.
“When I arrived at the work camp, they tortured me first. It wasn’t for information, there wasn’t anything I could offer them. They just did it to break me.”
Arin had suspected it for a long time, but hearing her say it broke his heart all over again. He was filled with such grief and rage, it took all his will power to stay in bed holding her and not go and hurt everyone responsible for it.
(Not like there was anyone left who laid a finger on her. As soon as they reunited and he found out where she was, he found every single guard who hurt her and punished them.)
“At first I stayed strong. After a while I even welcomed the physical pain, I cherished the moments of numbness. The worst part was not knowing what was going on out there. Not knowing where you were, if you were even alive. It’s what eventually broke me.”
He had never felt as helpless as in that moment, watching her cry and cursing every God for her fate.
He wanted to tell her how beautiful and brave and strong she is. How he admired her mind and spirit. He wanted to remind her of the people she saved, and how much he loved her.
So he did, and kissed away her tears and sorrows.
And when he carefully rolled up her sleeve and kissed the scars on her arms, she let him.
***
After that night Kestrel started blooming; bit by bit, she got back to herself. She talked more openly with him, letting the walls around her heart crumble. And day by day, she learned to love herself again.