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I’m covered in the colors of you.
It’s not that Rebecca doesn’t like Ted Lasso.
She likes her just fine and they get along surprisingly well for how different they seem at first glance. It’s just that every time they interact Rebecca is acutely aware that they never should have met. Lost in a drunken hurricane of turbulent emotions after the divorce was finalized and she’d finally secured the club from Rupert, Rebecca had made a monumentally, stupidly destructive decision and emailed Ted Lasso. The really unfortunate part of it is that Rebecca comes to her senses only after all the contracts have been signed and plans have been made. Part of her wishes she could have stuck to her guns and gone through with the bastard plan, but she couldn’t.
And she doesn’t even know why she couldn’t either. Someone more generous might say it’s because she’s too good of a person to have followed through on destroying the team. But she doesn’t think that’s the case. Yes, she’d come to her senses about just how many people outside of Rupert who would be negatively impacted by her scheme and she does feel bad about that, but she’s still sufficiently furious about her marriage that it eclipses most other emotions when she lets it. Maybe it was installing a female manager to coach a men’s team? Rebecca’s still not sure, but she thinks it’s got something to do with Ted.
There’s just something about her.
Maybe it’s that she’s a woman who voluntarily goes by the name Ted.
“Why do you go by Ted?”
The brunette perks up, her ever-present smile stretching into a delighted grin. This is the first time Rebecca’s instigated her own question during Biscuits with the Boss.
“Well, my family called me Teddy my whole childhood, but then when I went to junior high, I wanted to feel a little bit grown up and I knew I’d never get people to call me Theo for longer than a day or two, so I just shortened Teddy to Ted and that’s been my name ever since. Plus, it goes well with the whole vibe I got goin’ on,” Ted gestures to her blue polo shirt, plain khakis, and Nike’s.
“Because you dress like a boy?” She clarifies, eyebrow raised as she gives Ted’s attire a onceover.
Ted’s resulting laughter gives her a rush and she smiles back at her manager, satisfied. “It’s good though, right?”
It is good. Ted’s masculine look suits her better than a lot of men Rebecca’s encountered. “Mmm. I’m surprised that doesn’t extend to your hair?”
Ted reaches behind her head to pull her long, dark brown braid over her shoulder and lifts the curled end of it to the top of her lip. “But if I cut my hair, I can’t do this.” She wiggles her pretty mouth, making her faux mustache twitch.
Rebecca giggles –honest to god giggles—and waves her hand to get Ted to stop.
“Okay, boss. Your turn,” Ted says, letting her braid fall out of her hands and wiggling her shoulders in that excitable way that she does. “You got any nicknames?”
“Do you not read the papers?” Rebecca asks dubiously, thinking of the litany of derogatory titles that have been bestowed upon her since she entered the London social scene.
“Naw, I’m not talkin’ about that. I mean affectionate ones from friends and family,” Ted clarifies. “Like, my son Henry used to be called Boppy for the few years of his life.”
“Boppy?” Rebecca’s nose wrinkles as she considers it. “Why?”
“Ah-ah, you answer first,” Ted says, leaning forward in anticipation.
The blonde sighs, tilting her head to the side as she thinks. “My dad calls me Little Bee.”
That earns her a pleased grin. “Still? That’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard. Gimme another.”
Rebecca shakes her head at the other woman’s enthusiasm, unable to stop smiling. “Why did you call Henry Boppy?”
“Well, you know how nicknames sometimes start. When he was born, we started called him Hen for short and then my mom turned it into Henny and then we added Bop to that, don’t remember why, so he was Henny Bop and from that, we just shortened it to Bop and then Boppy.” Ted shrugs at the end of the explanation. It’s a little nonsensical.
“That is nonsense,” Rebecca declares.
Ted cracks up laughing. “And where did Little Bee come from?”
“I’m not telling you,” she says, trying to bite back a grin.
“Why not?” Ted whines playfully.
“Because it’s silly and you’ll laugh.”
“You just called my son’s nickname nonsense—”
“Because it is,” Rebecca confirms.
“I think I should be allowed a giggle or two about yours,” Ted finishes as if she hadn’t been cut off.
Rebecca deliberates for longer than necessary just to build suspense because she knows if she waits long enough Ted will get impatient and try to—yes, just like that. “It’s short for Little Baby—” she pauses to glare at Ted’s instant guffawing, despite how pleased she is to hear it. “―because I’m a near carbon copy of my dad, so I was his little baby.”
“Awwwwww, Boss,” Ted coo-laughs, pressing her hands together over her heart. “That’s just precious. Do you—” Her phone buzzes in her pocket, halting her speech. She pulls it out and makes an exaggerated surprised face. “Well, look at that. Nine o’clock on the dot. Time for me to skedaddle on down to training. See ya later, alligator.”
“Have a good day, Coach,” Rebecca says instead of the customary ‘in a while, crocodile’ Ted had taught her. The exasperated eye roll Ted tosses back at her on her way out goes a long way soothing the sinking disappointment Rebecca feels at her departure.
Rebecca has never wanted to be someone’s friend so badly in her life.
The fact that this urge is inspired by somebody like Ted fucking Lasso is something she can’t quite reckon with though. She has never known anyone quite like Ted and it doesn’t shock her as much as it probably should. And maybe it would have if they’d met even just six months ago, but with her world turned upside down and her life in shambles, adding a folksy American woman with puppy dogs eyes, a sunny disposition, and an uncanny ability to see right through her almost feels like a cherry on top. Or well, no. That’s not completely fair.
Ted is more like a lifeline in the middle of the utter shitstorm that has been the aftermath of her divorce. And perhaps that’s why she feels so drawn to her. She’d met her at just the right time and it feels like a reprieve. Like for the first time in an interminably long time, she’s been gifted with something to anchor her to the ground when she feels like she’s spinning out of control. Ted really has been a godsend and she thinks the other woman knows that. That’s why she goes out of her way to be what Rebecca needs right now in ways she’d stopped expecting from people years ago.
It makes her dizzy to think about sometimes. To have formed such an attachment to a new friend in only a couple of months is not normal for Rebecca. She’s distant and stoic and cold and has a hard time letting people in. But not Ted. And the more Ted shows up for her, the safer she feels growing closer to her.
Despite all this, there’s a creeping sense of unease that flares from time to time where she considers how easy it is with Ted. Rebecca chalks it up the newness of it all and quickly shakes off the reluctance when the desire to reach out to Ted arises. It’s not like it’s often or anything; Ted still initiates most of the contact between them, but it’s nice not to have to second guess this one thing in her life.
So she doesn’t hesitate to fall into Ted’s arms outside of the gala after her encounter with Rupert. Focusing on the sensation of her strong hand smoothing down the bare skin of her back helps to soothe the raging helplessness tumbling around inside her chest.
“I hate to say it, but your ex-husband sucks,” Ted says next to her ear, making her let out a wet laugh.
“You shouldn’t,” she murmurs into the shoulder of Ted’s fitted tux.
“I’m sorry,” Ted says, misunderstanding.
“No,” Rebecca pulls back to look her in the eyes. “You shouldn’t hate to say it. He’s a fucking asshole.”
Ted’s lip twitches up into an amused smile. “Well, I’m sorry you have to deal with him. If you ever need him taken care of, I’m sure you could get Roy to do it.”
Rebecca laughs harder at that and lifts her hands to her cheeks to wipe at her tears. Leave it to Ted to make her laugh during such a low moment. “Thank you. I’m sorry for all this. It’s just—Rupert makes me…” furious. Exhausted. Insane. Unmoored. Scared.
“Hey, don’t worry about it. I get it,” Ted reassures her, squeezing her arms in a comforting gesture. “You don’t have to apologize to me for what he’s done to you.”
The words reverberate through Rebecca, knocking the breath out of her. It’s devastating, she muses in a distant part of her mind that’s not spiraling, to hear exactly what she needed to hear without knowing it’s what she needed. It feels validating and life-affirming and deeply, deeply painful because why is someone who’s known her for a month and a half the first person to say this to her? Gratitude battles with the agony in her chest and Ted must see something warping her expression because she pulls her back into a hug.
Rebecca sighs, wondering what she did to deserve Ted Lasso.
It’s strange.
She hasn’t had any friends in years, much less any female friends other than Sassy, who’d been the last of her friends she’d been isolated from. For that reason, she’s sort of lost some of her socialization skills. And not the fake sincere ones she’d grown up around and perfected as the wife of Rupert Mannion, but the real genuine ones she has to use to actually forge a connection. With Keeley, she follows the younger woman’s lead and it works for the most part. And with Ted, it’s different. She feels unselfconscious in a way that routinely baffles her. She keeps waiting to make a misstep, to do something to upset what she's building with Ted.
The three of them are having lunch together at some café one of Keeley’s friends suggested. The food is surprisingly good, but the menu is… bizarre in a word. Rebecca and Keeley don’t have similar taste buds at all, so when Ted leans over with a quip about them getting two different menus, it’s nothing for Rebecca to find two meals that they can mix and match together. They easily make it work sitting on a bench next to each other across from Keeley.
“It’s just like, I’m getting older and really reevaluating what I want for my future, you know?” Keeley muses.
“Oh, heck yeah. I get you. There’s something about your late twenties that tends to light a fire under your butt about some things. When I was your age—”
“You were already married,” Rebecca casually interrupts, drawing Ted’s attention and a sweet smile from her.
“Yeah, I was,” Ted nods, an appreciative twinkle in her eyes. “Not according to the United States government, o’ course, but I didn’t know you remembered that.”
“I pay attention to you,” Rebecca insists, plucking roasted pepper from Ted’s plate and then turning to fix her with an exasperated look. “Despite my best efforts,” she says just to hear the other woman laugh. Her chest swells with triumph when it works.
“Does that bother you?” Keeley surprises them both into remembering her presence from across the table. “That your marriage was only legally recognized for three years? ‘Cause that would bother the hell out of me.”
“You know, it’s kinda a complicated issue,” Ted tells her, swirling her drink around in her hand. “It was bothersome not to be legally tied to each other, especially when Henry was born, but we made do.”
Rebecca watches her as she speaks and can see in her eyes there’s more to it than what she’s saying. She wants to push, or wants to pull, rather. Pull whatever it is percolating at the front of Ted’s mind out. Instead she reaches out and gently pulls a stray leaf out of Ted’s braid. Maybe she’ll ask her about it later.
Ted takes the leaf from her and twirls it around by the stem between her fingers. “You’re not gonna try to dunk this in some water later, are ya?”
“Oh, fuck off,” Rebecca rolls her eyes, shoving Ted’s hand away.
Once checks have been paid, the three walk back to the training center in a leisurely stroll. And every so often Ted happens to brush the back of her hand against Rebecca’s to see how long it takes her to react, which Rebecca does of course. She’s in the middle of talking to Keeley about their upcoming match in Liverpool when Ted’s hand bumps against hers for the fifth time in two minutes and without missing a beat or turning to look, she grabs Ted’s hand in hers. It’s not quite traditional handholding as she’s got the other woman’s long fingers squashed together in her fist, but she can feel the amusement rolling off her head coach the rest of the way back to work.
When they eventually part ways at the bottom of the steps to Rebecca’s office, Rebecca only remembers to let go once Ted’s started walking away. She drops her grip on her fingers, alarmed at having forgotten.
“Sorry,” she calls after her.
“Don’t worry about it,” Ted assures her, waving her off as she continues down the hall.
Rebecca turns back to go upstairs and is confronted with Keeley staring at her like she’s lost her fucking mind.
“What?” She asks, wide-eyed and confused. Keeley just shakes her head and goes up the stairs. Rebecca follows behind her, but waits until they’re in her office with the door shut to ask again. “Keeley, what?”
Keeley drops her bag on the coffee table and plops down on the sofa before patting the spot next to her, looking up at Rebecca expectantly. The taller woman sighs before going to sit next to her, feeling unease bubble in her gut when Keeley grabs both of her hands.
“Is this alright?” Keeley checks, gesturing to their hands.
Rebecca looks down, a bit surprised by the question. “Oh, yes. Of course.”
“Okay, now I know we only just became friends, like, not that long ago, but seeing as how you gave me the heads up about Jamie and everything, I feel like this whole thing we’ve got going is built on honesty, yeah?” Keeley says, trying and failing to keep the look of apprehension off her face.
“Yes, I would say so,” Rebecca says, chest beginning to tighten. “And in the spirit of honesty, I would much prefer you just blurt out whatever you’d like to say.”
“I think you have a big fat gay crush on Ted.”
A high-pitched ringing sounds in Rebecca’s ear and she’s overcome with the sensation of being separated from her body for a split second. “Keeley…”
“Before you say it, this isn’t because Ted is a lesbian,” Keeley disclaims quickly.
“It’s not,” Rebecca says, flatly.
“No, it’s about you two making cow eyes at each other all the time,” Keeley rebuts.
“Technically that would mean this is at least partially because Ted is a lesbian,” Rebecca parries, deflecting.
“Don’t try to distract me by saying lesbian all sexy like that,” Keeley says.
“I didn’t say it sexily!” Rebecca cries.
“That’s not the point! The point is that I think you have feelings for Ted.”
Rebecca sighs loudly. “Of course I have feelings for Ted. They’re just not the feelings you think they are. Just because we’re very close doesn’t mean it’s like… that.”
“Okay, I get that, but have you considered that it is like that? And you just haven’t realized it,” Keeley posits, raising her eyebrows like she’s just made a slam dunk of a point.
“That… doesn’t make any sense, Keeley,” Rebecca whines to cover a prickling she’s starting to feel under her skin. “Ted and I aren’t secretly harboring feelings for each other. Just like you and I aren’t.”
“Well…”
“… are you joking?”
“Are you forgetting my reaction to your tits?” Keeley counters. “I wasn’t exaggerating, you know. But you’re right. I’m not secretly harboring feelings for you. However, if you ever want to go there, I wouldn’t hesitate.”
“Noted,” Rebecca says faintly, mind going a mile a minute trying to process how the conversation got here.
Rebecca almost doesn’t go to Liverpool, but she’d promised a fun weekend for Keeley and she doesn’t want the younger woman to know she’s still thinking about their conversation from last week. Even though she is thinking about it, she can’t stop thinking about it and she can’t even pretend to not be thinking about it.
Call her naïve, but she never really thought about her and Ted’s friendship as anything other than that: friendship. She’s had plenty of lesbian friends (she spent her early and mid-20s in the 90s, for god’s sake) and it’s not like she’s never indulged, so to speak, but that’s all it ever was. A few times when she was drunk and curious, but beyond that? Rebecca’s always known she’s straight. It’s not even something she’s really ever thought too deeply about though, despite her dalliances with women. It was just a given. She knows she’s attracted to men.
So why can she not stop thinking about what Keeley said about her and Ted?
It’s annoying how she keeps coming back to it because there’s no reason to. She and Ted are close, so what? That doesn’t mean Ted’s interested in her either. And Rebecca is still getting to know Keeley, but the younger woman seemed genuine and it feels wrong to just dismiss what she said, no matter how much she’d like to. It’s just that… she doesn’t think of Ted the way she’s thought of the men she’s wanted to be with. Besides the fact that Ted is her employee, Ted is her friend and yes, the bar for what she expects out of her friends is in hell because of past experiences, but Ted has shown herself to be a better friend in less than three months than most of the friends she’s ever had. Excluding Keeley, of course.
But just because Ted’s one of the best friends she’s ever had doesn’t mean it’s rooted in any ulterior, romantic motives, does it? Ted doesn’t really seem like the type of person to do that, especially not at their age. Granted, they’ve only been getting to know each other for such a short time, so maybe Rebecca’s wrong and Keeley is right at least about Ted’s feeling, but she doesn’t really think that’s the case. And the more she thinks about it, the more useless it feels to do so. On the off-chance Ted does have feelings for her, she’s not letting it interfere with their friendship and that’s what’s important.
Right?
Christ, this is so fucking absurd. Why did Keeley have to say something? And what sort of energy is Rebecca giving off to make her think she’s attracted to women? Because she’s not. Would Rebecca kiss Ted? Sure, of course. Ted is gorgeous and wears her masculinity effortlessly, perfectly comfortable in who she is and how she presents herself. But friends kiss all the time. That doesn’t really mean anything. As long as they don’t get tongues involved. Yes, that could work. Just their lips softly sliding against each other’s as their bodies press together the way they did during their hug outside of the gala.
But that’s fine.
And normal.
She would never date Ted.
Although, she thinks if she were into women or Ted specifically, that their dates would be a lot of fun. They get along really well as is and she enjoys the time they get to spend together. She can imagine taking Ted to her favorite hole in the wall brunch spot, sitting across from her while they banter about the proper pronunciation of the word scone. Or maybe they’d stay in for brunch? She knows Ted likes to cook, knows Ted likes to cook for people especially. That could be fun. Leaning against the island, watching Ted putter around her kitchen chatting to her about anything and everything like she’s wont to do.
Maybe she’ll suggest they do those things anyway.
Not as a date though.
But she doesn’t want Keeley to know she’s even thinking about any of this, which is why she goes to Liverpool and is there to notice that something’s wrong with Ted. She takes note of it as soon as she and Keeley step into the lobby not long after the team arrives. Ted is chatting with Beard by the lift, uncharacteristically shifting from foot to foot. She remembers Ted mentioning that the date of her and Michelle's divorce is coming up, but she doesn’t get the chance to approach her about it before the lift comes. She tries to take out her phone to text her to see if she’s okay, but Keeley distracts her and then they’re going up to their suite and she’s reminded that it’s the day of her wedding anniversary.
And then there’s Sassy.
The shock of seeing her oldest friend for the first time in six years temporarily distracts her from her thoughts about Ted. When Rebecca divorced Rupert, she hadn’t known how to reach out to the people she’d been isolated from, so she just hadn’t done it. She’d thought the shame and guilt would be too overwhelming and watching Sassy waltz right back into her life as if she’d never been forced to leave it is proving her right. Every shared smile, every wink tossed her way, every sharp quip makes the shame in her chest burn. Her easy rapport with Keeley makes it worse and better somehow, it’s very confusing.
She wants to get out of her own head and enjoy having her friend back, but she can’t shake the uneasiness of anticipating when Sassy will confront her about their six years lost. On top of the turmoil of it being her and Rupert’s anniversary, she’s practically vibrating out her skin and desperate for a reprieve. She ends up excusing herself from the table to go to the toilet and shoots off a quick text to Ted.
She gets a response less than thirty seconds later and the next thing she knows she’s standing in front of her head coach’s hotel room door.
“Hey, Boss,” Ted smiles at her after she opens the door.
“Oh, my god, your hair,” Rebecca gasps when she sees all of Ted’s gorgeous hair hanging in thick waves down her back. The sight propels her forward into the room before she can be invited in, reaching out before she catches herself and lets her hands come to rest on Ted’s shoulders. It puts them perfectly face to face, less than a foot away from each other and the pretty flecks of gold and green in Ted’s eyes has Rebecca’s breath getting caught in her throat when she goes to speak again.
Ted’s small halfway smile stretches to something amused and incredulous in equal measure, dark eyes sparkling to accommodate the transformation. “As much as I love lingering in a liminal space, why don’t we scoot on out the doorway?”
“Right,” Rebecca breathes out a laugh, allowing Ted’s hands on her waist to guide her further into the room so the door can shut. And then they’re standing in the short entrance hall smiling at each other. Ted has such a sweet smile, she can’t get over it. An unexpected laugh bubbles up from her middle and she giggles, helpless against the feeling.
“What’s so funny?” Ted asks, laughing too. It’s then that Rebecca’s able to properly take in that the loose, flowy button-down Ted has draped over her isn’t buttoned up at all and the white Nike sports bra is all she’s got on underneath. The sight of that shouldn't be so difficult to drag her eyes away from. And yet.
“It’s—” Nothing is really funny, not in the way Ted’s probably thinking. There’s a creeping tightness of hysteria crawling up Rebecca’s ribcage and the more she laughs, the tighter it gets. Keeley cannot be right. She takes a deep breath in and holds it, twisting her lips up to keep from letting it out. Ted’s lips mirror hers, pursing around her own smile and the sight warms her from head to toe.
“Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be a mind-reader right about now,” Ted whispers, her hands briefly squeezing Rebecca’s waist.
She doesn’t think she can articulate what’s bouncing around in her head right now if she tried. “Can we lie down?” She asks instead.
Ted’s eyebrows jump up on her forehead, but she nods and leads Rebecca to the bedroom. “Is everything okay? I thought you were hangin’ out with Keeley.”
Rebecca takes off her shoes and climbs onto the bed, settling on her left side and tucking her left arm under the pillow she rests her head on. She holds her right hand out and Ted takes it and joins her like Rebecca knew she would. She waits for Ted to get comfortable on her right side facing her before she answers. “Everything’s fine.” Which is, of course, not strictly true, but she doesn’t want to talk about any of that right now. She just wants to exist right now with Ted.
“Okay,” Ted says after studying her face for a beat.
They lie side by side, staring at one another in silence for so long Rebecca’s honestly surprised Ted manages it. The woman starts squirming if she’s quiet for more than ten seconds on a good day. But here she is, mouth shut, deep brown, intense eyes trained on Rebecca’s face like she’s trying to memorize it. The idea of that sets off a flurry of butterflies in her stomach and she waits for the worry to kick in, but it doesn’t. The thoughts from before doesn’t start up again either. It’s unfathomable to her how she can spend so much time in her own head tying herself up in knots over her relationship with Ted, and then as soon as they’re together, it’s like everything quiets and settles. It’s a peace Rebecca doesn’t ever remember experiencing before now.
She chases it.