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Disillusion
My name is Silver….
At least, that’s what I think it is. It’s what everyone calls me anyways.
Though I guess I don’t really know. It’s not like I have it on my birth certificate. It’s not like I realistically have one at all. If I did once, I don’t believe it exists anymore. That was one of my many sacrifices I made when I became a time-traveller. My memories don’t exist anymore, and my past is now meaningless.
All I am aware of now, is that I feel like I am sinking into the ground, and I don’t know why. As far as I am aware, I have just fallen through a crack in reality and there may not be a way out.
But at the same time, I know my body is laying against a tree in the park, in Sonic’s time no less, around 200 years before my own time. I am staring up at the sky. But it’s like it’s all fake, and I am not there. Like that paradox thing I overheard once about that cat in the box… Whatever it was called.
I feel like I’m floating just above myself, while struggling to breathe. I am floating yet I feel heavy. I feel my own heart straining in my chest, yet I can’t feel my own pulse. My eyes are darting around and looking at everything at once like I am surrounded by monsters ready to strike while I am vulnerable. But there’s nothing there, just an increasingly blurry world.
I see people in the distance having fun and playing games, like I am in another dimension where nobody notices me, yet I don’t want to be found.
My powers aren’t working either…
I can’t move.
Am I poisoned?
Am I dying?
I don’t know what is going on anymore.
But I remember how it all happened.
Not long ago I was fine. Perfectly fine. Completely fine. I just wanted to visit the park on this sunny day and sit in the shade and admire the blue sky.
I occasionally watched children play with their parents. I saw grown ups going on walks. I admired the wildflowers growing among the grass. It was a peaceful moment I wanted to extend into eternity. But unfortunately, I can only travel through time, not freeze it or control it in any way.
Then I had a thought. It was like a whisper in the back of my mind. I don’t even know if it was my own or if someone planted it inside me and it just sprouted… or if it was already there and I only just noticed it a few moments ago.
It’s hard to remember exactly what the words it said were, but I know as soon as it formed, I was like this.
I think it was a whole bunch of thoughts at once, like some potent poison I unwittingly drank.
This won’t last…
You didn’t make this…
You don’t belong here…
You don’t exist…
It might have been any of those thoughts, or all at once. Whatever it was, what was once my dream is now a nightmare I can’t escape. My invisible prison I can never break out of.
It was… no use…
I feel the cold of tears down my face, yet it feels simultaneously muted and yet it’s as icy as a snowy mountain peak.
Why am I crying?
Shouldn’t I be happy now?
Shouldn’t the crisis have been averted?
Isn’t… isn’t this a victory?
Just… What is this pain…?
What has happened to me?
Am I lost?
Am I broken?
I want my mommy!
But mommy isn’t coming to help me! Mommy doesn’t exist! Neither does my father! I was born in a timeline that doesn’t exist anymore! I haven’t exactly found another me out there every time I returned… So maybe… I really don’t exist? Maybe when the timelines kept changing… my parents no longer existed or never met… Which means I was never born…
Yet where am I? I’m in pain. No other way to describe it. Which means I am still alive. I still exist in some way?
But still…
Am I even meant to exist?
Is time itself so broken that I am some by-product of it all?
Did I even have parents to begin with?
If I did… Did they look like me? What would their names have been? Did I take after my dad more? Or my mom? Did they have powers like me?
I never knew them… I don’t even know what they would have even looked like…
Was… Was I wanted…? Would they have loved me if they were here…? Or was I abandoned…?
Or… Am I just some cosmic anomaly? Some twisted joke that reality decided to spit out one day without any purpose?!
Is that all I am? Just some joke?
It’s not like I even did anything that really changed anything at all?
I can barely beat the bad guys and save the day! It’s all the work of everyone else as I just sit on the side bench trying to be useful!
… I sacrificed everything to be here… To enjoy this moment… Why am I thinking this? Why do I feel this way?
Something is wrong with me…
I should be happy, yet I feel like I am dying…
I am the time-traveller… I should know how to handle stuff like this but I don’t. People ask me about how the whole travelling through time thing works and I don’t even know how. I just do it and I don’t know… Do I even know anything at all?
Should I just give up? Was all of this…. All of everything I worked towards… All of it… for nothing?
And if I give up… If there is a future for me… If I retire…
Could I ever build a life for myself?
Could I ever live a normal life somewhere?
Could I ever get married and have a family of my own? Even if I never had one to begin with?
Who am I kidding? Of course I won’t!
Why should a cosmic mistake like me get anything! Every single day is fighting for my very life and the lives of everyone else and failing again and again and again and holding on to any sense of hope because fate proclaimed I can never ever have anything nice happen to me…
I guess this whole painful ordeal is just what happens when I get my hopes up too much… I just get punished for it…
I sacrificed everything short of my life… and I have nothing left…
I’ve had friends come and go across past and future… I remember… but they don’t…
They don’t remember me… And the version I knew no longer exists. The ones I know now… are just a copy… And even then… It won’t be long until they become replaced with another copy… Would they even care if I did slip through the cracks of reality and faded away altogether?
… Much like the timelines I tried to prevent…
I guess I have many memories that don’t exist anymore.
… And many I have forgotten too…
So many terrible memories of places and times I wouldn’t wish on anybody. I have to carry that weight for the rest of my life. These memories are my curse.
I’m the only proof such future even exist at all… So what will happen if I forget?
I suppose forgetting means easing this pain… So I guess I could choose to forget if I can.
But at the same time… Forgetting would mean everything about those times would no longer exist, including everyone who lived and suffered and died there… I… I… I…
I don’t know…
I don’t know…
I don’t know!
I Don’t Know!
I DON’T KNOW!
I DON’T KNOW!!!
I DON’T KNOW!!!
I guess… My only real purpose then is as null and void as I am…
Why is this happening to me?
It’s not fair!
It’s not fair!
What did I do to deserve this?
The sun feels so intense…
The air feels hot…
Everything is spinning and I just want it to stop!
Please for the love of Chaos make it stop!
I want to get off this ride!
I want to get out of this pain!
I want to leave my mind!
Everything is collapsing and ending and I can’t do anything…
It’s no use…
I’m no use…
I can’t fight this!
I can’t win…
I can’t…
I can’t…
…
…
“Silver?” Called out a familiar blue hedgehog. “You… You don’t look so good there… You ok?”
Sonic, despite how much he always hated taking things slowly, could sense quite quickly that something wasn’t right with his time-travelling friend. It wasn’t a time for one-liners or jokes. He took a couple steps closer slowly and quietly to confirm his suspicions.
He could see it clearly, Silver was panting with his head rested against the base of a tree, barely moving and staring off into the void with tears in his eyes. The young psychic wasn’t responding.
Something was very very wrong.
While Sonic was a master at battling robots, gods, zeti, and even moustache twirling geniuses, he could recognise that this was a battle he couldn’t win or even approach on his own easily. It wasn’t the first time Sonic had seen anyone in such a state, but the last guy he ever considered that happening to was Silver.
He could tell… It was a look of fear and despair he would see with survivors from raided or destroyed villages or cities when they thought Eggman was going to come back and finish the job. For all his speed and power, it was the one thing he couldn’t help so easily.
So… He did the only thing he could do.
He ran off as fast as he could and contacted everyone he thought could help!
Sonic gathered everyone he could find in record time. If somebody had a timer, it would have only been just over a minute in total. He managed to get a hold of Blaze, Espio, Shadow, and even Whisper to try and figure something out. Amy joined along too when she heard that Silver was not in a good state.
“Just… What do we do…?” Sonic asked, a little annoyed at how out of his depth he is. “I mean… Shadow? Do you know how to handle something like this?”
“You did one thing right for once, hedgehog.” Shadow commented, keeping his composure. “You didn’t try to handle this on your own and make everything worse like you normally do.”
“You mean like you do most of the time?” Sonic replied.
“This isn’t the time for banter!” Blaze snapped. “Ever moment we do nothing means another eternity of suffering for him! I recognise this anywhere… It’s not good at all. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! While we have no idea on what made him this way… We can’t do nothing. We all have to be there for him. But for now… We need to help him settle down a little. He isn’t responding to our voices. We need something to help bring him back to reality again.”
Everyone looked at each other. Nobody had a clear answer.
“I… I think I have an idea.” Amy piped up. “Sonic? Could you take me back to my place for a moment, I think I have something there that could help.”
“What is it?” Sonic asked. “It might be quicker if I get it myself.”
“I… You wouldn’t understand…” Amy replied. “Just trust me.”
Sonic didn’t object. He might not have understood what she was going to do, but at the same time he couldn’t exactly bring any better ideas to the table. Amy was usually pretty good when it came to helping people this way. It was something he admired about her. It was one thing he had trouble with that seemed to come to her so easily.
He nodded. This was a battle she had a chance of handling.
He picked her up and ran off.
After less than a minute, they two hedgehogs had returned, and Amy was holding what appeared to be a large teddy bear of sorts.
“Seriously?” Shadow scoffed a little. “A… teddy bear?”
“I am… trying to understand your methodology here…” Espio commented.
“Just let me try this.” Amy tried to reassure them. “If it works, we can hopefully get him out of this and we might understand what happened and help him. If he snaps and throws me across the park… I’ll accept that’s on me.”
Everyone was apprehensive, but held their breath as Amy got in close, the large toy in hand.
Amy could hear the psychic hyperventilating and shaking as she was only a few steps away from him.
“Silver…? It’s me. It’s ok. I brought a friend to help you.” She spoke softly to him. “And I think he wants to give you a big old hug! Would you like one?”
Silver didn’t answer anything verbal, but his eyes looked towards her, then towards the bear for a moment. She could infer that he didn’t see her or the toy as a threat. In fact, she noticed a flicker of almost child-like desire towards the large teddy bear. It was brief, but it was there. After making sure she wouldn’t catch him off-guard and make his current state any worse, she moved towards the next step of her plan.
She wasn’t sure her plan would work, but she hoped for the best as she laid the soft toy gently on his chest. As soon as the full weight of the bear was on him, she stepped back a little to gauge his response and give him some space in case he needed it.
Silver flinched in response to the new sensation and his breathing shifted a little. His arms, while still shaking, slowly wrapped around the toy as he squeezed it and held it closer. His teeth were jittering as another wave of fresh tears trickled down.
While his eyes seemed vacant for a moment, as he held the bear closer, he blinked again and it looked as though there was a bit of consciousness to him once more.
However, he was still far from settled again. He was still hyperventilating and struggling.
Amy went by his side again, placing a hand on his back and gently stroking him, starting off softly to gauge whether he was receptive to it or whether he was reacting poorly to it. He seemed to have eased into it a little, so she continued.
“It’s ok…” She softly tried to assure him. “It’s ok… There’re no enemies here. We’re all friends. Whatever you’re going through right now, as great as it is… Is not forever… I know it’s bad. It’s intense. And it feels like it will keep going on and on forever… But it’s not. It’s not hopeless. It’s not useless. You’ll be ok….”
Silver’s tears kept trickling down as his breathing slowly transitioned into pained whimpering as he held the bear tighter and tighter in his grip.
“We’re here for you, Silver.” Amy continued. “If you want to tell us what happened, we’re here to listen. For now… Let’s try to get your breathing in order again.”
“I… I think I might be able to help here.” Espio interjected, stepping closer to his friend. Silver turned towards him a little, his eyes crying out for help as they reflected a galaxy of suffering. “Silver… This is a breathing technique that I use from time to time. It’s helped me and it might help you too. Now try to follow my lead…”
Espio slowly and patiently walked him through a breathing technique to help stabilise him again. Silver tried to mimic, but was incredibly shaky and unsteady about it at first. Eventually after a few more moments of patience and persistence, his breathing started to steady again. It went from shallow and extremely rapid breaths, to deeper and more steady ones. Although, Silver was still far from ok just yet. He was still shaking a little and recovering from the shock of it all.
“Let’s get you a glass of water…” Amy commented, looking towards Sonic to quickly fetch it. He obliged and darted off and returned with a glass of water ready not even 2 seconds later.
He handed it to him, and he gulped a small mouthful, before quickly downing the rest of the glass as though he had just walked through a hot desert with no supplies the entire day.
“Don’t force yourself.” Amy assured him. “Just have what you need. It’s ok. There’s no rush here.”
Silver didn’t respond to her words. He just finished the glass and tried to stabilise himself once more.
“… What…” He strained to speak. “What happened…? Was I dying? Just… what are you all doing here?”
“Sonic found you like this and called us all over.” Blaze explained. “It looked like you were having a panic attack. Do you know what happened? We’re here for you and we want to help you.”
Silver started shaking again when he was asked what was wrong. He struggled to even know where to begin. At first, he didn't even speak, just broke down into a fit of crying. Amy continued reasurring him and gently stroking his back as he hugged into the stuffed bear like a little kid.
Eventually, he blurted out everything in a messy convoluted manner not unlike his entire life up until that point. The worries, his messy memories, his sacrifices, his identity, and his struggles with feeling like he accomplished anything at all.
It was ugly. There was lots of crying, screaming, constantly switching from one talking point to another as he struggled to find the right words to express any of it. All the while, everyone just patiently listened and nodded. Nobody cut him off. Nobody walked away. Everyone was just stunned that the time-traveller had likely been harbouring such feelings and fears and anxieties for so long that all it took was one pleasant day for it all to spill out in a messy explosion of pure chaos.
Even Shadow stayed quiet until Silver was done with it all. Sonic occasionally darted off, but only to refill the glass of water to help the white hedgehog continue rambling and ranting and getting all of those burdens off his chest. It was lengthy. The sun was getting close to setting by the time he had finished and ran out of words to use.
When he was done, Silver looked like a lot of weight was shifted off his chest, but was also replaced with fresh shame. He curled up, hugging his knees and found himself unable to look any of them in the eyes.
“I guess… You must all think I’m pretty weak… huh?” He finished. “And useless…”
There was a moment of awkward silence. Sonic and everyone else just looked at each other. They knew it was their turn to speak, but none of them knew how to respond to it all. Amy was in tears herself after it all. She just wanted to take all of those burdens off him but she couldn't! She knew she couldn't handle it. All she could do was try to comfort him whichever way she could.
“No…” She broke the silence, making her way to Silver and attempting to hug him. “You’re not useless! You’re not weak! You’ve been dealing with something I wouldn’t even want to wish on Eggman! You’re stronger than you realise. And that’s not counting those powers of yours! And… You’re not weak because it all got to you. I don’t know anyone who could handle the burdens you carry each day and keep it together for so long like you did! There’s nothing wrong with letting it out once in a while and talking about stuff like this with us. We were all so worried about you and… well… now we know what’s been on your mind for so long. It’s ok. It will be ok. And… I think I should do a fortune reading on you one day. Hopefully, even if you are having trouble seeing hope for what your life will be like from now, much less your future… Maybe there will be some good news waiting around the corner.
“But… for now… It’s ok to not feel ok. Even if things seem fine and colourful and happy, it’s ok to be sad or scared or angry. Don’t feel bad for feeling bad. If you need to talk… I’m here for you…”
After she went first to try and reach out to him, Sonic felt more confident in going next and trying to help out his friend.
“Silver… About the whole saving the future things…” Sonic tried to word together his own wisdoms to pass on to him. “Even I can’t always save the day. Something I don’t… And there’s been many times I couldn’t have done it alone. Even if you don’t think you changed anything and that it was all me or somebody else, the fact is that your future always kept changing. The fact that your timeline isn’t how it was before and will never be again must mean that you did something to change it. Even if you can’t see it, you help create the future you always wanted to see, and the future I would always want to know happens. Even if you don’t think it’s enough, it is. And if you feel like you are fighting alone, you aren’t. We are all fighting together to make the world a better place each and every day. It’s ok to ask for help from friends to make that happen. Sometimes your friends… will give you what you need when you need it most of all. Even my greatest victories were never fought alone. And neither should your battles.”
After Sonic finished, he went to join Amy and trying to hug the two of them.
Shadow rolled his eyes, but decided to speak next.
“It’s easy to lose hope when it feels like fate itself has turned against you.” The Ultimate Lifeform started. “But that’s when you have to fight hardest and not give up no matter what! But… Martyrdom is not a glorious path. Sometimes it brings victories. Other times it’s a pointless sacrifice and unnecessary casualty. You fight hard for what you believe in, but don’t neglect your own life. There aren’t many times you can save anyone when you can barely save yourself. But when it feels like there’s nothing left, when you have nothing left to lose… You’ve already won most of the battle! Take it from me… You only lose when you give up hope. When the entire world chooses to be your enemy, that’s when you need to fight harder than ever! Never give up! It will always be worth it!”
Shadow didn’t join in the hug, but he did walk towards the young hedgehog and placed his hand on his head, assuring him that he was there.
As the remining friends looked towards each other, trying to decide what to say next, Espio took charge.
“It’s easy to caught up in such thoughts.” He contributed. “To become consumed by what-ifs and what has happened. It’s easy to try and carry it all and become consumed by it when you inevitably slip. To keep calm and have a level head and trust that everything will be alright… is not easy, even with training. I have no doubt that the burdens you carry are great and are beyond the scope of my understanding. However… That doesn’t mean I might not be able to help. I practice a few things to help keep my mind clear and keep my nerves steady under stressful situations. Perhaps… I can teach you some of them starting tomorrow if you would like…”
The chameleon made his way towards the huddle, and joined in the hug.
It didn’t take long before Blaze spoke up next.
“I know… what it’s like to sacrifice yourself down to your very soul for sake of protecting what matters. I know what it’s like to need to always be the responsible adult and the pressure to need to know everything. That need to be perfect no matter what… It’s an isolating feeling… But such feelings lie to you! You aren’t alone. You won’t fall between the cracks of reality. Your battles to save your timeline will not be for nothing! I will make sure of that personally! Even if you’re afraid we won’t remember each other again at some point, our paths will always keep crossing. They always kept doing that, even now, and that will keep happening. It’s strange how we keep meeting up, and there must be a reason behind it all. But… If you ever feel this way again… Feel free to visit the Sol Dimension. Politics can wait when one of my friends are in trouble!”
She joined in the growing group hug as well. In that moment, she wasn’t a princess of another dimension. She was a friend helping someone in need of support.
Lucky last was Whisper, who didn’t say much of anything since she first arrived on the scene. But that didn’t mean she also didn’t have something she wanted to share with him.
“It’s hard to feel like you belong when your home is gone.” She spoke, softly as she normally does. “… That’s why home is where your heart is… With the people you trust… But… I know you live up to your title of a time-traveller… But some days I don’t know if I live up to that ‘Guardian Angel’ title you have given me…”
“But… You’ve saved mine and several other lives of the resistance from afar.” Silver defended, turning to face her a little. “Like a secret protector or what can only be considered an angel!”
“… And you’ve also saved my life…” Whisper added. “… In more than one way…”
She joined the group hug around the young psychic. The warmth of the last rays of sunset paled in comparison to the warmth and love Silver was feeling in that moment surrounded by his closest friends and allies.
Of course… That didn’t mean he still didn’t feel that dread. There was still that worry in the back of his mind that the moment he had was temporary and wouldn’t last before he is forced into the brutal cycle of temporal anomalies and changing events.
But… He tried not to let that thought get in the way of a nice moment. He remembered why he was fighting so hard to protect the future. So other people could have the opportunity to experience moments like he was experiencing then. So there was that comfort and warmth within easy reach. So there was always a brighter tomorrow to look forward to. That was everything he was fighting for.
At least… At least for now it’s all in front of me… My friends… These skies… This feeling of stability and family… This is what I am fighting for! Even if I forget the past timelines… I hope I never forget this… Not ever!
“…Thank you… Thank you all so much!” Silver wept once more, but this time not tears of despair or fear… There were tears of joy.
My name is Silver…
I don’t know if that’s my real name…
But I don’t care!
That’s what my friends call me!
That’s all I need to know!