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It had been thirty-one days since Yaz had listened to her Doctor’s voice, seen her smile, heard her laugh, and she couldn’t deny that the pain was crippling at times. Overall, she was coping okay. Graham and Dan were checking in on her frequently, and her family had been more consolation than she could have asked for. But she still missed her, and the ache to have her Doctor back never truly went away.
There was one thing that helped: the hologram that the Doctor had left Yaz when she got trapped in 1901. Yaz tried not to play it too much—most its contents were irrelevant these days anyway—but there was a sense of comfort she got from hearing the Doctor say she missed her that remained unparalleled.
This afternoon was no different, and as she settled onto the edge of her bed, Yaz pulled the small hologram device from her bedside table, running a finger over the top to activate it. Her breath instantly caught in her throat as something unexpected appeared. It was still a hologram of the Doctor, but it was clearly recorded at a different time.
Yaz’s focus fixated onto the flickering hologram until her eyes stung from not blinking. Her heartbeat drummed in her ears. Her palms became clammy. Her throat dried. She couldn't believe it was real. Of course, she had hoped that some kind of hologram would pop up, but after the weeks went by, her optimism waned.
Glancing over her Doctor, Yaz tried to work out when she must have made this hologram. She was wearing her usual outfit—navy rainbow-striped shirt, navy suspenders, blue trousers, along with her long flowing coat—and the fact that the hologram was programmed into the device Yaz had made her think that it must have been recorded after the events of the Flux, but other than that, she knew nothing more.
As her thumb hovered over the tiny device, Yaz hardly dared to press play. Whilst she had wished for this moment often over the past month, now that it was here, her body was trembling with nerves. This was perhaps the last thing she would ever hear from her Doctor, and that caused an undeniable rush of pain to encompass her heart. Still, she needed to know what her Doctor wanted to say, and after swallowing hard, she brushed her thumb over the device once more to engage the hologram.
‘Hi, Yaz,’ the Doctor said. Her tone was already different to the hologram she left during the events of the Flux—bleaker and more subdued. ‘I think by now you know what this is, and I don’t have to explain it. We’ve just faced up to the Sea Devils, and I can sense that I don’t have long left, so now is the time to do this.’ Her gaze moved around slightly until it locked with Yaz’s. ‘I’ll be honest…I’m a little bit scared. Not so much of dying…done that so many times I’m used to it, but I’m scared of running out of time, with you, and not being able to say everything I want to. So…let’s start with how proud I am of you, Yaz,’ the Doctor said, her eyes lighting up with joy. ‘I’ve seen more astounding things than I could ever explain, and yet you came along and did exactly that…astounded me.’ The corners of her mouth quirked into a smile as she lifted her shoulders. ‘It seems like recently I’ve spent so long wondering who I am…who I used to be…and it was obvious the whole time.’ The Doctor paused, bowing her head and nodding slowly to herself. ‘I’m your Doctor.’ Her gaze flicked back up towards Yaz. ‘And that’s more than enough for me.’
A sob bubbled up in Yaz’s throat, forcing itself from her lips, and she clasped a hand over her mouth as she wept, trying to control her emotions so she could properly hear the rest of what the hologram was going to say.
‘I know it might be difficult without me, or maybe you’re grateful for the peace and quiet!’ The Doctor chuckled under her breath. ‘But you’ll be okay without me, in the end. You’re Yasmin Khan,’ she said, holding her arms out briefly and smiling softly. ‘You’re my Yaz…and I—’
The Doctor clamped her mouth shut and stayed silently still for so long, Yaz began to worry that the hologram had glitched. ‘Doctor?’ she murmured, leaning forward slightly.
‘Sorry…just struggling a bit here. How do I explain this?’ the Doctor pondered, frowning to herself before she clicked her fingers with an excited look on her face. ‘Okay, I’ve got it,’ she whispered, straightening her back and looking straight at Yaz. ‘Think of it like a rainbow. Something that shouldn’t exist, and yet does. Something in this universe that’s so inexplicably beautiful, and continues to be that way no matter how many times you see it!’ The Doctor smiled brightly, but her eyes were now filled with tears, and she tried to stop her voice wavering as she continued speaking. ‘That’s what it’s like to know you, Yaz. You were my rainbow. Every time I saw you…it was like seeing a rainbow.’
Yaz sniffed, gripping onto the top of her thighs. She didn’t know it was possible for her heart to ache so much. Her whole chest constricted and felt like it was on fire as her lungs begged for air, yet she couldn’t function enough to breathe properly.
‘And I can be that for you too if you want me to be,’ the Doctor said, a bittersweet smile appearing on her face. The movement in her expression caused the tears in her eyes to begin their descent down her cheeks, glistening under the sunlight penetrating into Yaz's bedroom. ‘I can be your rainbow, Yaz, just like you’re mine.’ Her voice was cracking on almost every syllable now as an uncontrollable pain sliced through her hearts. ‘And whoever I am, and wherever I go, that won’t change. I promise,’ the Doctor assured her.
Yaz blinked, trying to clear her blurry vision as the hologram started to move closer, kneeling onto the floor in front of her and staring upwards with glossy hazel eyes.
‘Live the time I wish we had together to the full. Go out there and do what we did best…see more of the universe,’ the Doctor said softly.
She reached out, pressing her palm over the place where Yaz’s heart was racing beneath her breast. Yaz inhaled sharply at the physical contact. It felt so real; the pressure of the Doctor’s hand placed on her chest. But she resisted the urge to clasp onto the intangible hand, knowing it was just a hologram, and that any attempt to touch her Doctor would fail.
‘Cos I may not be with you as I’d want to be, but I’ll always be with you in there,' the Doctor said, nodding towards Yaz's heart. 'Some place safe.'
The Doctor smiled as Yaz’s heart continued to hammer beneath her palm, before she removed her hand and stood upright once more.
‘Travel hopefully, Yaz,’ she whispered.
Then the hologram flickered out of existence, and Yaz’s Doctor was gone.
Yaz wrapped her arms around herself, unable to control her cries anymore. She closed her eyes and let her tears fall freely as a series of sobs wracked through her body, wishing more than anything that it was her Doctor giving her the embracing comfort she ached for.
She wasn’t sure how long she continued to cry, but when her sobs eventually calmed down, Yaz placed a hand over her heart—where the ghost of her Doctor’s hand remained—and she saw something in the distance outside of her window; something that gave her hope and began to seal the cracks in her broken heart: an inexplicably beautiful rainbow.