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Jungwon felt like crying. He was so incredibly scared for himself at this moment of his life. What was he going to do? Everyone found out. People Jungwon had never even met before knew that Jungwon was transgender. Jungwon wanted to scream, cry, and curl into a ball and never leave his room again.
He wished he never went to pick up his hormone blockers from the pharmacy that day. Why, just why did a reporter from Dispatch just happen to be there picking up medicine? Jungwon recognized him from past experiences, he was usually the main reporter that followed them around outside of their schedules, on the off chance they actually got a break. Jungwon didn’t know if it was a coincidence or not, the man really was picking up medicine, but maybe he got Jungwon’s schedule somehow and knew when he was picking his hormone blockers up. Jungwon chose not to think about it too much. He clutched his bag closer to his chest, unintentionally causing the right strap of his binder to snap. This one was too tight on him, Jungwon figured it would be okay though, thinking the tighter the binder is the better it is at hiding my chest. Chest surgery wasn’t officially a procedure in Korea, meaning he would either have to spend his hard earned money flying to the US and then pay for the surgery or deal with it and wear binders which were significantly cheaper. He froze in place, eyes widening as he watched his left breast sag out of his binder slowly. He held his prescription to his chest to hide his now exposed chest, quickly walking out of the pharmacy with wide eyes and a feeling of dread in his stomach.
Little did he know the reporter from Dispatch witnessed the whole spectacle, and quickly connected the dots as Jungwon nervously walked out of the pharmacy. He smiled to himself, knowing his new article was gonna be talked about everywhere. Little did he know the consequences this would reap for both of them in the future.
💙
It didn’t take long until Jungwon started to sink. He sunk into the depths of his mind too quickly, his depression quickly overtaking his body. He stares at himself in the mirror, hair still dripping from his shower as he stared at his breasts concealed by a binder. His eyebrows furrowed together in anger, staring at his body in malice. Why did he have to be born in the wrong body? Jungwon thought it was so unfair. Plus, he was short and stubby. He didn’t look good in a suit like the others did. Jungwon heard a knock on his door, causing him to flinch and yell in a gruff voice, one minute. He wanted to seem like a man as much as possible. He quickly slipped on his baggy shirt and pants, clicking the door open as he dried his hair with a towel. He quickly made eye contact with Sunghoon before quietly entering his room. Sunghoon thought it was weird. No matter how tired or stressed Jungwon was, he always made it a point to show he still respects his hyungs by greeting them. He dismissed it quickly though, just figuring Jungwon forgot.
Jungwon sinks into his bed, opening Naver and looking himself up. He’s sure the damage was bad. It had only been a couple of hours since the incident at the pharmacy, but reporters weren’t anything if not quick.
Yang Jungwon is a woman! You won’t believe it! –– Dispatch Korea
Jungwon felt tears well up in his eyes as he automatically clicked on the article, anxiety spreading through his chest. He didn’t bother to read through the article, instead scrolling straight down to the comments.
How disgusting. I can’t believe I actually liked someone like that.
I had a feeling he was hiding something. I guess I won’t listen to their songs anymore…
Wow ㅋㅋ that’s seriously messed up 💀
Ugh that’s so fucking disgusting. I can’t believe I actually liked him. Oh wait? I guess it’s ‘her’ now haha.
Tears flowed out of Jungwon’s eyes silently. He is a boy. Not a girl. His heart ached deeply in his chest. He slid off of his bed silently, walking to his closet before opening it and reaching for a box in the back of it. He pulled out a single razor and a roll of bandages. He held the razor with his left hand, bringing it up to his right wrist. He swipes against his skin, blood soaking his arm and dripping onto the floor below him. He sighed silently, body relaxing and eyes closing. This was the only thing that truly relaxed him anymore. Sure, it wasn’t healthy, but it was the easiest and most accessible method available to Jungwon.
Jungwon didn’t talk much to the others after that. His mind was loud enough after all, the voices never stopped talking, no matter how much he distracted himself. Whenever he sank into a depression, he sank deep. He wished he wasn’t so emotional, but he couldn’t help it; he was the most emotional in his group as always.
💙
Jungwon wished it wasn’t like this. He wished he had been into a boy’s body. He wished he had never been exposed. Jungwon wanted to disappear. Curl into himself, never leave his bed, and just disappear.
The others immediately noticed the leader’s diminished smiles. He chose to skip dinner with the others that night, instead just scrolling at harmful comments on Twitter. That’s how they knew something was wrong, Jungwon would never skip one of their group dinners, even if he was too exhausted or stressed. They each silently worried for him, either deciding to talk to him tomorrow when they had time or before they went to bed.
Jungwon fell asleep as he read the hate comments about himself on Twitter, tear streaks still on his cheeks and eyes still puffy. Jay decided to check on the younger, lightly knocking on his door after he finished his dinner. His eyebrows furrowed together in worry when he didn’t hear a reply from the younger boy, making him click open the door carefully and peek into the younger boy’s room. He smiled upon realizing Jungwon was sleeping, carefully walking closer to him and leaning down. He flinched upon seeing the tear streaks down his face and he sighed carefully, not trying to wake the younger boy. He patted Jungwon’s bangs lightly before kissing him on the forehead silently, making the boy lean closer to Jay unconsciously as he lightly smiled. Jay smiled widely before getting back up, silently leaving his room and going back to his.
💙
The next day wasn’t much better for Jungwon. He got a call from their manager in the early morning to come to their company to have a talk with the CEO. He knew this was it. The day he would have to leave his group and never sing again. Jungwon wasn’t ready for it, but he couldn’t do much to stop it at this point. He hiked out of their dorm before everyone woke up, their manager picking him up and taking him to their company silently with a serious expression on his face. Jungwon felt the dread settle in his chest and heart, nothing could ever prepare him for this moment but it was about to happen. He was going to be fired from his first and only job in his whole life. They soon arrived at the company, their manager parking their van and they both walked inside silently, Jungwon ready to cry and their manager still with a serious expression on his face.
They both stepped into the CEO’s office, where he was waiting at his desk with just as serious expression as their manager. Jungwon held back the urge to cry, he should stay professional until the very end.
“Please, Jungwon, sit down.” Their CEO ushered the younger boy in front of his desk as Jungwon nodded, nerves shaking and lips quivering. He sat down in the chair in front of their CEO’s desk and looked up to him emotionally.
“Judging by your face, I’ll take it you’ve seen the article?” Their CEO slightly tilted his head as he continued to look Jungwon in the eyes. Jungwon nodded silently, head bowing in disappointment.
“I’m sorry, sir. I never meant to fool anyone–– I just–– I never really liked being a girl. I understand if you want me to step down from the group.” Jungwon tried explaining himself, eyes welling up with tears as he shook his head, trying to make his words tangible. He stared at the CEO of his company, tears pouring from his eyes as he took in the man’s serious but sympathetic expression.
The man slightly smiled, eyes lifting in sympathy. He shook his head silently and closed his eyes.
“I’m not going to make you step down from the team. I’d never do that to you; your team needs you as much as you need them. Here’s the situation. We’ve sued Dispatch for disclosing your private information, and they fired the reporter who made that article. We had it taken down and are doing everything to stop it spreading further outside of Korea. Until then, you’ll be put on a hiatus. Once we get the whole situation sorted with Dispatch and everything settles down, you can return to schedules with the others. I’ve been doing research and looked into chest surgery. Before your hiatus ends we’ll send you to America and have it done. That way we won’t have any situation like this in the future.”
Their CEO smiled warmly upon seeing the other boy light up, looking at him with wide eyes.
“I––I can stay? Wait. Y––You’re going to let me have surgery?” Jungwon felt unintentional tears well up in his eyes once more, eyes shining as he stared at their CEO with a small smile on his face.
“Of course. We want you to feel like your best self. If it takes money, then so be it.”
Jungwon looked at his manager behind him, the man smiling warmly at the boy as Jungwon smiled back with tears in his eyes. He stood up from his chair, running around the desk to hug their CEO.
“Thank you sir. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you so so much.”
The older man smiled, hugging him back warmly.
“Of course, Jungwon-ah.”
“Come on, I’ll drive you back to your dorm.” Their manager said from behind Jungwon, making the younger boy nod with a smile on his face and eyes still sparkling.
Jay woke up with a strange feeling in his chest. His mind kept nagging at him to check on Jungwon. He was sure he was just being dramatic after seeing the tear streaks on the younger’s face last night, but he decided to listen to the nagging feeling and knock on Jungwon’s door. He figured the younger boy was still asleep, so he unwaveringly clicked the door open and peeked into his room. When he was met with Jungwon’s empty bed, he was surprised. He went into the dark room, turning on the light and looking around. Jungwon was nowhere to be seen. Jay’s bad feeling only grew in his chest, causing him to look down at the floor. He flinched when he saw something between the crevices of Jungwon’s floor, the boy had always been neat and clean, he frankly couldn’t stand seeing dirt in their dorm anywhere. Jay’s eyebrows furrowed as he leaned closer to the dirty spot, feeling in between the crevices of Jungwon’s floor. That’s when it clicked. He flinched back suddenly, eyes wide and heart beating in his ears.
This is…dried blood. Was Jungwon bleeding? He can’t stand the sight of blood. Why didn’t he get one of us?
Jay left the room with his eyebrows furrowed and gears turning in his mind. His train of thought was quickly interrupted by the rest of his group mates walking up to him and looking at him with wide eyes.
“Hey, look at this. Is this real? Am I really seeing this right now?” Jake shoved his phone in front of Jay, worried tone in his voice and eyes still wide.
I can’t believe Jungwon is actually a girl. Who can you trust nowadays?
Idols really don’t tell us anything about their personal lives anymore. I don’t know who to trust and who not to now.
I can’t believe I actually liked a liar like Jungwon. I feel so betrayed. ㅠㅠ
Jay looked at the comments with eyes just as wide as Jake’s. What was going on? Why were they calling Jungwon a girl? Memories flashed through Jay’s mind of Jungwon. Their sweet, precious Jungwon who was too pretty for his own good. Who had the longest eyelashes out of all of them, to the point he could hold a q-tip on them. Who had the prettiest blush of his cheeks when he got embarrassed. Or had the mostly heavenly smile out of all of them, to where his eyes curled up and his eyelashes looked even longer. It was all coming together in Jay’s mind now.
“Jungwon…is a girl.That’s why he said we can never go into the bathroom when he’s showering. He––He’s a boy living with a girl’s body.” Jay looked at Jake with wide eyes, suddenly it all made sense now. His angelic singing voice that could reach the highest notes out of all of them; his tragically beautiful features that made him look prettier than the rest of them. It all connected.
They needed to see Jungwon. Talk to him. Jay felt like crying. He must’ve seen the comments online long ago. That’s why he didn’t eat dinner. That’s why he didn’t greet Sunghoon after his shower. That’s why he must’ve cried alone in his room.
The dots were connecting a little too well for Jay as they all silently awaited Jungwon to return home.
That bloody crevice in his room. Maybe…maybe he didn’t get anyone because he did it himself. And…didn’t want us to know. And just suffered silently as we all laughed around the dinner table.
Jay’s thoughts wouldn’t stop. He didn’t even realize he was crying until Heeseung silently held his hand. Jay dried his tears and spoke softly, but just loud enough so everyone could hear.
“Guys…I don’t think Jungwon is okay. I…I saw this dirty crevice in his room earlier. I looked at it closer and…it…it was blood. Dried blood. I think Jungwon is in serious trouble.”
The realization weighed heavily on all of their shoulders. They all sat in silence until they heard their front door click open, Jungwon slipping off his shoes as his eyebrows furrowed, quickly realizing it was too quiet. He stepped into their living room and locked eyes with all of them on the couch, flinching back as he immediately sensed the tense atmosphere in the air. His anxiety spiked in his heart once more, getting a bad feeling all of a sudden.
“Are you guys ready for the schedule? Um, I talked with our CEO just now, I can’t make it to this schedule. Um––”
“Jungwon-hyung…are you trans?” Ni-ki said as impatiently as ever.
Jungwon flinched, eyes widening as he held his head. Nerves rose in his body, causing his lips to shake and tears invade his eyes quickly. He steeled himself silently. He nodded silently, looking at them with his lips curled down and eyes sparkling with tears.
“Yeah. I was born as a girl. But, I’ve already talked about it with the CEO and he said I can stay so––”
He was interrupted by long arms wrapping around his waist, causing him to flinch harshly as he gazed upon the back of Jay’s hair.
“It’s okay, Jungwon-ah. Thank you for telling us.”
Tears fell from Jungwon’s eyes as he wrapped his arms around Jay.
Jungwon felt his breast pop out from his binder, causing him to flinch once more and quickly let go of Jay. His cheeks reddened as he stared at Jay, the older looking at him with a questioning expression. Jungwon quickly ran to his room, slamming the door shut as he shuffled through his dresser for another binder shakily. He took his shirt off, then his binder, tears welling up in his eyes as he stared at his breasts. They were bigger than the last time he checked, causing him to shake his head and put on another. Tears flowed out of his eyes, this one didn’t fit either, it was digging into his chest too hard making it hard to breathe. He cried more as he tried on another, this one still not fitting as well. He sunk back into his bed, lifting his arms over his eyes as he cried silently, breath starting to pick up.
Jay lightly knocked at Jungwon’s door, worried because of the moment that just happened between them.
“Jungwon-ah? Are you okay? Can I come in?”
He heard faint sobs coming from the other side of the room, causing him to click open the door softly.
Jungwon was walking around his room in a panic, tears flowing down his face and shaking his hands as he walked around in his binder.
“Jungwon-ah? Are you okay?” Jay immediately went closer to the boy, causing Jungwon to flinch slightly as he turned to face his hyung.
“Hyung, hyung. They don’t fit anymore. It’s too small, I can’t fit––I can’t––” Jungwon panicked, eyes wide as more tears flowed out of them.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. Look at me. We’ll get more. We’ll get as many as you need, okay. Look at me, Jungwon-ah. Breathe with me. You’re safe here. No one’s gonna judge you.” Jay patted the younger’s cheek, calming him down as he brought Jungwon’s hand to his chest.
“Copy me, Jungwon-ah.” Jay took an exaggerated breath from his chest, the younger boy quickly complying as his tears stopped flowing.
“Good, good boy. Come on, just give me a few more breaths, okay? It’s okay, Jungwon-ah. You’re safe here. You’re loved here.”
Jungwon followed Jay’s breathing patterns for a couple of more minutes before he fully calmed down, buzzing in his veins dying as the tears in his eyes diminished.
“You back with us, Jungwonie?” Jay lightly fixed the younger’s bangs, smiling at him softly. Jungwon nodded silently, overly exhausted and ready to go back to sleep.
“Okay, well. We need to go to our schedule now, so you just sleep here. I’ll be back soon, okay Jungwonie?”
Jay led Jungwon to his bed and tucked the younger boy in, Jungwon smiling before nodding, already nodding off. Jay kissed Jungwon’s forehead before smiling gently, quietly leaving the room and joining the others as they prepared for their schedule.
When they all got home, they all watched a movie late at night in their living room with Jungwon in the middle. Jungwon started to nod off during the movie, head falling on Jay’s shoulder silently. The older boy smiled gently, bringing a blanket up to warm the younger boy. Jugnwon smiled silently, leaning into the older boy’s body.
Yeah, they were gonna be okay.
Fin