Chapter Text
—lucy
At 28 years old, Lucy Chen was far from being ‘happy’ with how her life had turned out but she was comfortable, she had a stable, high paying job, doing something she loved, and she lived in a nice house, with her dog, she had a few close friends, and to some that would be the definition of the perfect life.
But Lucy had always felt like something was missing, that her ‘puzzle’ wasn’t quite finished yet, but try as she might, she could never find those missing pieces.
Running her own practice was a goal not many had achieved at her age, and she viewed it as an accomplishment, but how she’d gotten there was not something she celebrated.
The untimely death of her parents led to her coming into her inheritance at the age of 22, merely four years into her psychology degree, and she sat on it for a whole year until she knew she wanted to invest it into her future as a psychologist.
Weirdly, losing her parents shaped the person she became, and even though she thought it would derail her career, it made her more aware of just how difficult life could be, and she carried over a lot of the lessons she learned into the type of therapist she wanted to be.
When Lucy finally graduated, she was 26, and it was then when she was completing work experience in the field she wanted to go into that she met Luna Grey, and after she was officially declared as a counselling psychologist at 27, she used a large sum of her inheritance to open her own practice with Luna, and from the very beginning they worked together in what Lucy would always describe as perfect harmony.
—
Every day started pretty much the same, and this morning was not much different, except for the extra flask of coffee, and her dog Kojo in tow, as she headed to work.
Her Sunday evening had led her to be deep in her newest patients’ case file, Tim Bradford, a 28 year old veteran, who had recently been medically discharged from service after an incident in his platoon that had left him being the only survivor.
He had been home for a month, and after what seemed like a period of time trying to cope alone, he had reached out to her practice and Luna had immediately gotten him registered and had given her the case.
And as Lucy liked to do with most of her complex patients, she’d stayed up most of the night looking through his case file, trying to understand the man behind the stoic faced picture attached to top left corner of the first page of his file.
So, when she entered the practice that morning, Kojo following behind, and her own homemade coffee for herself in one hand, and a cardboard holder with three additional coffees in the other, it was immediate smiles all around, whether it was because of Kojo, the coffee, or both, Lucy hoped it would make the worst day of the week just that little bit better.
“Morning Tamara, nice to see you back, how was your week off sweetie?” Lucy pushed the final cup of coffee across the front desk towards her youngest worker, who up until three weeks ago had been volunteering at the practice for her college degree, but after having time off, Lucy had offered her a permanent receptionist position until she decided what she wanted to do with her future, and Tamara had been more than willing to accept.
Lucy had been extremely gracious, not only because of the young girls work ethic at the age of 21, but because of how much of a wonderful person she was in general, and how much of an asset to her team she had become.
“It was great thanks Lucy! I went to visit a friend in New York, and then spent the rest of the time back here settling into my new apartment, but I’m glad to be back. I missed it here, and you, and definitely Kojo!” Tamara pulled the cardboard cup close to her, and Lucy knew that as she looked down at her feet that Kojo had curled up under her desk.
“Well, I’m glad that you’re back! And permanently, for now at least, you know that the second you decide what you want to do I’ll be the first to guide you out the door onto your next adventure. Send Kojo through in a few minutes, I’m just going to see Luna.” Lucy gathered her things, and Luna’s mug from the break room on her way down the corridor and then she knocked twice before entering.
“Hey Luce, oh my goodness is that your famous coffee I can smell? My Monday just got a whole lot better!” Luna swivelled around in her chair and Lucy took a seat beside her desk and set the mug down, and poured some coffee from her unopened flask, pushing the now full mug across to the older woman.
The calming misty grey walls were so familiar to her, and she enjoyed the way they helped to centre her before her long, sometimes tenuous days.
“Morning Luna, how’s your schedule looking for the day?” Her eyes followed the stream of sunlight that was peering through the window, and it lit up one of her favourite motivational quotes, which was on every office wall in the practice, ‘It is an act of bravery to feel your feelings.’ from Gayle Forman.
“It’s pretty okay, just a few regulars and one new client this afternoon. I made sure to clear your schedule since you have Kojo today, and a new client, so you have Tim this morning and then Nyla this afternoon.” Luna watched her shift, and Lucy offered up a smile, but she wasn’t entirely convinced of it herself.
“I know this week is going to be hard, it’s been 10 months since Caleb, but you’ve got this, and you’re so much closer to not needing our weekly talks anymore. Just a couple more months.” Luna reached over and squeezed her hand and Lucy sighed, squeezing it back before she stood up and brushed down her skirt and then gathered her case files, and her flask of coffee.
“I’ll see you for lunch, maybe. I’m hoping things go okay with Tim, but he seems like a very complex character, so I may run over, which is fine. But if I do, tell Tamara to order my usual. See you later!” Lucy left Luna’s office and then found herself having to stop in the hallway just to take a breath before she continued down the corridor to her office.
The first thing people normally noticed about her office, was that it was a drastically different colour to everyone else’s office and the rest of the practice, with everywhere else, she’d gone for almost white’s and creams, with a splash of light blue here and there, and obviously she gave her colleagues free choice when it came to painting their offices, but like Luna they had gone for subdued tones, greys, and sages, and dusty blues.
Lucy’s office however was painted in this beautiful yellow hue, which was aptly named ‘sun drop’ and so far none of her clients had put in complaints.
She was always told that her personality had leaked into the room, because she was frequently depicted as sunshine personified by her colleagues, and friends, and clients alike.
In reality, Lucy had just tried to choose a colour that would calm her if she were to walk into the room for the first time to start such a thing as therapy, and ‘sun drop’ did just that.
Along with the Gayle Forman quote Lucy had four others around the office, ‘Step by Step, Day by Day’ was another of her favourites, along with ‘Never forget that walking away from something unhealthy is brave, even if you stumble a little on the way out the door.'
With one above her desk, ‘Healing comes in waves. Some days you will drown. Some days you will float. And it’s okay. You are still healing. You are still healing.’
And one that resonated with her the most was, ‘We all have a bag. We all pack differently. Some of us are travelling light. Some of us are secret hoarders who’ve never parted with a memory in our lives. I think we are all called to figure out how to carry our bag to the best of our ability, how to unpack it, and how to face the mess. I think part of growing up is learning how to sit down on the floor with all your things and figure out what to take with you and what to leave behind.’
She always referred to that one the most with her clients, because it held so much value and so much truth.
Ten minutes before Tim was supposed to turn up, Lucy wandered back to the front desk once she’d sorted out her office for the day, and she saw Kojo round the front of the reception, tail wagging, waiting for her.
“Hey Tam, is everyone else with their first clients?” Lucy leant against the wall, watching the young woman type away on her computer, straightening her navy blue ankle length skirt that was patterned with white flowers, which she had paired with a plain, light grey, short sleeved T-shirt.
Her outfits never were too professional unless they were due an inspection or a particular client, and Lucy like to come across as warm and welcoming as possible.
“Yeah, Victoria is in with her first client, and Misti just came to get her client too. So, it’s just you and Luna now. I can send your client through when they arrive if you want?” Tamara briefly glanced over at her, and Lucy smiled.
“Thanks, I’m just going to get Kojo settled. See you for lunch!” She silently tapped her hand against her thigh and Kojo got up and followed her, keeping by her side as if they were tied together by an invisible string.
Kojo had become Lucy’s lifeline after her ordeal earlier in the year, and he had become so much more than her therapy dog, which is why she brought him to appointments because he’d been trained in therapy for her, and he helped the transition for others to therapy sessions so smooth and easy.
He curled up in his bed, by her desk, and Lucy finished the final cup of coffee before putting her flask in her bag, just in time for the knock at the door to sound.
“Come in!” Lucy spoke louder than usual, just so Tim would hear her, and she found a smile settle on her lips when she saw him walk in, already evaluating his movements and his posture and how he held himself.
And in the space of their two second encounter, something deep inside of her heart shifted, and she felt something click into place.
•••
—tim
You have to be strong.
You have to shoulder it all.
You have to pretend to be okay.
That was what mostly floated around Tim’s head since returning from Iraq. Since one of the worst days of his life had happened.
He had expected everything that had transpired in the weeks leading up to his deployment to have been just a bad dream, and that he’d walk into the house he used to share with Isabel, his fiancée, with her there to greet him with a smile, and for life to resume the way it had been.
Instead, the house was cold, dark, and grey, and he wasn’t enveloped by their memories, they haunted him.
Their laughter in the kitchen in the early morning turned to a constant ringing in his ears, and her side of the bed was permanently cold, always made, the mattress slowly returning to its original shape, her body no longer there to create the indentation.
Some of her clothes remained but mostly they were gone, and he didn’t know what to do without the splashes of colour that usually brightened his day.
His toothbrush sat alone in the holder.
His shoes sat alone by the door.
Everything was different now. Everything was wrong.
Toughing it out had become his way of coping, and he had thought he was doing well, until he’d been visited by one of his friends, possibly the only person who even cared about him now, and she had told him straight up that he looked awful, and that had led her to handing him a business card for a therapist, Dr Lucy Chen, a clinical psychologist.
Nyla’s heart had been in the right place, and Tim really wanted to reach out the second she’d handed him the piece of card, but he hadn’t.
He had left it on his kitchen table, along with all of his unopened mail, and the layer of dust that was only growing.
But after almost a month he’d come to the resolution that he was heading for the same path his father had taken, one filled with bitter nights and empty bottles, and he vowed to never become that man, not for as long as he was alive.
So, on his second week home, he’d called the number for ‘Brighter Days Counselling’ and had been promptly booked in with Dr Lucy Chen.
His days were the same since being discharged, he would spend most of his time in bed, staring at the ceiling too afraid to sleep longer than hour to two hour stretches because of the nightmares, and he’d only leave his house for food, ordered or groceries, depending on his mood.
If someone had asked him where he was going to be at the age of 28, when he was 18, he would’ve offered a hundred different answers and none of them would’ve included being medically discharged from the army after 10 years, after an eight month long deployment, with his fiancée having left him a couple of weeks prior.
Tim was lonely.
He was stuck in the same destructive cycle, and he wanted an out, he needed help.
And as Nyla always told him, the biggest step was to ask for that help.
Which is why, at 9am on a Monday morning, he found himself in a fresh pair of clothes, that actually made him look put together, in the carpark of the practice.
Walking in seemed more and more like a bad idea the closer he got, but then someone walked out and held the door open for him, and he quickened his pace, offered a quiet ‘thank you’ and then he was inside.
His first thoughts were that it was different to what he’d expected, it was nicer, more welcoming, and less intimidating than he’d been anticipating.
“Hi! You must be Tim, you’re right on time. Dr Chen is ready for you, so if you want to go ahead and walk down that corridor, it’s the second door on your right. I’ll get you all signed in!” A cheery, young girl sat behind the receptionist’s desk, and Tim tried his best to return her smile, but he was sure that he barely even turned up the corners of his mouth.
“Thank you.” He nodded, and then stuffed his shaking hands in his pockets as he walked down the pale blue corridor as instructed, until he came to the right door, and he had barely lifted his hand, only knocking once when he heard a woman’s voice call him inside.
No longer had he stepped inside, when he was hit with the sudden burst of colour, the most colour he’d seen since coming home, and it wasn’t the usual awful yellow that most places chose, it was soft, subtle, and warm.
And the second he sat down, in a chair comfier than anything he could have bought for himself, he wondered that maybe, just maybe today was going to be first day of the rest of his life.
•••
—lucy
“Good morning, I’m Dr Lucy Chen, but you can just call me Lucy, but I won’t be offended if you prefer Dr Chen. Whatever you’re comfortable with Tim.” Lucy offered as he sat down, and then she watched Kojo get up and walk over to Tim and lay by his feet.
“Sorry, if you want me to move him just let me know. His name is Kojo, and he’s a fully trained therapy dog, don’t worry. I didn’t just decide to bring my pet to work.” Her eyes surveyed Tim’s face and she was surprised at how he smiled, genuinely, and then he bent down to scratch Kojo behind the ear.
“No worries, he can stay, I don’t mind, thank you though, Lucy.” And with that, she knew that Tim was making himself comfortable, so she picked up his file for a moment, even though she knew it back to front and inside out.
“Okay, so, from my records and understanding, your name is Tim Bradford, you’re 28 years old, you joined the military when you were 18 and have been in active service since then, so for 10 years, and you were recently medically discharged after an incident? Am I correct?” Lucy wanted Tim to challenge her, or at least offer her some more information than what had been printed, but with the way he immediately made himself smaller, clasping his hands in his lap, Lucy knew that he was closing up.
A different approach was always good, and Lucy liked to make sure all her clients were given the right tools to help her help them.
“I’m not what some people would call your conventional therapist, I don’t like to use the same, frankly overused techniques, I like to get to know my patients, I want you to feel like we’re just having a long conversation, instead of it being an arduous commitment, or a chore. I want you to want to come here Tim. The goal is to help you, and I can only do that if you’re willing to help yourself.” Lucy sat up straighter in her chair, but she put her clipboard down, and uncrossed her legs, adopting a far less professional posture, because she knew sometimes she could slip too far into her psychologist persona, and it was a habit she was trying to break.
Lucy saw Tim looking around her office, and she waited a second before speaking, “is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just guess I had a very different idea of what therapy was, and what a therapists office looked like. Because I didn’t expect this.” Tim shrugged, and Lucy just smiled.
“Like I said, I’m not conventional, I don’t do the weird beds where you lay down and tell me about everything in your head, or the dulcet colours that make the whole experience even more depressing. I want my office to always be a safe space, and that starts with making my clients comfortable in my space.” Lucy gently removed her hair from the hair tie and then shook it out, feeling a lot more comfortable after the fact.
When Tim didn’t speak again, Lucy decided it was probably a good idea to get stuck in, after all, they had to start somewhere.
“Okay, todays session is just about you and I getting to know each other. I’m going to ask you a few questions, and then you can ask me some too. We can go as deep or as surface level as you like, it’s all up to you, and how much you feel like you can share today. Okay?” Her hands found her notepad, and she opened it up to today’s date and grabbed a pen from the desk, ready to note down whatever she felt was significant.
For the first time since Tim had sat down, he seemed to unfurl and show more signs of engagement.
“Okay, I can do that.” Tim wiped his hands on his jeans and Lucy noted that they were trembling, and she wondered if that was just some general anxiety, or the PTSD.
The questions she asked first were tame, and quite frankly boring, but they seemed to help Tim, and she was glad for the fact.
Do you have any pets?
No.
What’s your favourite colour?
Green.
Do you have any siblings?
One, a sister.
Do you have any hobbies?
I don’t really do much…I tend to stay inside, or go for a walk, but mostly I’m in my room.
And right before Tim could elaborate further, or Lucy asked any deeper questions, she put down her notepad.
“Your turn now, ask me anything you like Tim, no matter how weird, or intrusive, or boring it may seem.” Lucy glanced briefly down at Kojo who’d fallen asleep, and then back up at Tim.
•••
—tim
It was overwhelming, how comfortable he’d been made to feel in Lucy’s presence, so quickly.
But it was nice, getting to interact with another person, and have someone who could understand what was going on his head, and who’s goal was to help him understand it too.
So, he answered her questions easily, and appreciated when she stopped short of getting any deeper than his surface level feelings.
And then he wracked his brain for questions to ask her.
“How long did it take you to get your degree?” He shifted in the seat, mindful of Kojo who had sprawled out by his feet.
“8 years, I did a year of work experience in the field on top of that, and I’ve had my practice for a year now. So, all in all, I’d say it’s taken me 10 years to get to where I am.” And Tim found himself copying Lucy’s warm smile.
“What’s your favourite colour? And why?” Just from the colour of the walls, Tim had a feeling what answer he’d get, but he wanted to ask anyway.
“Yellow, like my office, but also sunshine yellow, on a bright summer’s day. It’s calming and it’s always been a colour I liked. I’ll let you into a little secret, but my colleagues try and tell me that I’m sunshine personified, and that I didn’t really paint my office, it’s just the sunshine that’s seeped out of my personality onto the walls. But, then again, they probably have to say that because I’m their boss.” Her laugh spread warmth around the room, and for a second Tim could believe what Lucy’s colleagues said.
“What do you think you would be doing with your life if you weren’t a psychologist?” Tims plaid shirt was removed, and he folded it neatly in his lap.
This question took the longest for Lucy to answer but when she did, he was pleasantly surprised by her answer.
“I think I’d have become a police officer. I even considered it once because it was so far out from the career my parents wanted me to have. I still want to have a proper connection with the local police department someday, I often get referred the people who need help more than they need a jail cell, but it’s a hard road to go down to become affiliated with a police department. But maybe one day.” Lucy smiled, and Tim watched her cross her legs before she sat back again.
Figuring that he didn’t want to push any boundaries, even though Lucy had reassured him that there wasn’t a line he couldn’t cross, he still didn’t want to push her, because he didn’t want to have to find another therapist at a different clinic, it had taken him long enough to find this one, and even longer to gain the confidence to even step foot in the clinic.
“How long have you had Kojo?” Tim watched, rather intensely as Lucy seemed to put up this brick wall between them, and he could feel the sunshine disappearing from his side of the room, and he hated it, but most of all he knew he’d hit a nerve, so he didn’t expect Lucy to answer him.
“A little over 9 months, I had a particularly traumatic experience with work, and he helped me through it.” Lucy didn’t say anything else, and Tim didn’t push.
“Okay Tim, I don’t want to push you today, so I’m going to suggest something, and I want you to tell me how comfortable you feel about my plan. Like I said today is just about us getting to know one another, but you do have a 3 hour appointment, so we still have an hour and a half to make some headway, if you want to, because I also don’t want you to feel like today was a waste of time.” It was clear, at least to Tim, that Lucy had retreated in on herself without meaning to, but he knew that it wasn’t his place to ask, and that Lucy was still doing her job.
“We can keep talking.” He didn’t want to leave yet, knowing what was waiting for him at home, so if anything, he was staying just to stop the rest of the day being draped in the loneliness he had been wrapped up in since returning home.
“How are you coping with being back home after such a long deployment? There’s no wrong answer, just tell me everything you feel comfortable with sharing.” Her hands were wrapped around her notepad again, and her pen was bouncing between her fingers.
Tim sat there, just for a few seconds, and he tried to gather all of his feelings up, to sort them into the worst, and the most manageable, and then what he wanted to share with Lucy today, but when he opened his mouth it just all seemed to come out at once.
“I’m not. Not really. I got back 3 weeks ago, and I’ve seen one person, and I’ve barely been out of the house. I don’t sleep, not longer than two hours because if I do, I get nightmares. I don’t like being in the house, on my own, but the thought of going out, I don’t know why it scares me so much. My fiancée left me two weeks before my deployment, no note, and no explanation. I thought she’d be back, when I got home, but the house was empty and cold and just didn’t feel familiar anymore. I’m not saying that I’d want her back, if she turned up at the front door tomorrow, but I would probably let her in…just so I didn’t have to feel the sheer weight of the loneliness, just so I didn’t have to bear this burden alone.” It was vague, at best, his response was probably nowhere near what Lucy wanted from him, but when he looked back up at her, making eye contact with her for the first time since opening his mouth, he could see her smile with her eyes before he looked at her mouth.
“Thank you, for sharing that with me Tim, I can’t imagine how hard it’s been since coming home, and not having any support. But I’m glad you decided to come here, and that you’re making the first step towards getting better. I won’t push you anymore today, you’ve come further than most do in their first session. I want to suggest 3 appointments a week. If that suits you?” Her eyes looked at him, and then down at Kojo, who hadn’t moved since he’d been talking.
“I think 3 is going to work, I can do any days, I don’t have anything going on.” Tim tried to make a joke, but it still weighed heavily against his chest knowing he’d be going home soon, and the sunshine that Lucy had let him momentarily borrow, would be yanked away the second he left her office.
“Does, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday suit you? And would you prefer early in the morning, or in the afternoon?”
“Those days sound good, and I think having a routine would be good, so can we do the morning?” He asked quietly, not knowing why he felt like his request was so outlandish.
“We absolutely can, and I’m glad that you decided that, because it already shows me that you’re committed to these sessions, and you’re already thinking about the future. Well, I think that’s everything for now, I’ll walk you out and make sure Tamara writes everything down.” Lucy stood up, and Kojo did too, which meant Tim could finally move his feet, and he slowly slid his plaid shirt back on before standing up too.
“Today was the hard part, even though it won’t feel like it, and I want you to remember that, as we continue on this journey, there’ll be harder days, and easy days, but all of them are going to count for something. There’ll be some days where I talk at you, and you don’t give me a word in response, and others I’ll just sit here and listen to you. Recovery isn’t linear, and it doesn’t do well to try and make it so. But you’ve made the biggest step, and you should be proud of that.” Lucy’s voice was soft, and he could tell she meant every word, so when he followed her out of the office he felt like he’d made the right choice for the first time since coming home.
Lucy stood by the front desk with Kojo sat beside her, chatting briefly with Tamara but just as he got to the door he turned around and waved at her, and she waved back, and as he left the clinic, he found that the feeling of dread didn’t return, he didn’t feel it as he drove home, or when he pulled on his drive, and not even when he walked into his house.
He found that he’d taken just a little bit of Lucy’s sunshine home with him, and that would be enough to keep him going until he went back there on Wednesday.
•••
—lucy
“Do me a favour Tam, watch Kojo, I’m just going to see Luna for a second.” Lucy smiled at the young girl, after watching Tim walk out the door, and then she turned on her heel and headed for the office she preferred almost as much as her own.
And as she sat down opposite Luna, in the plush, white leather, she didn’t need an introduction or a reason, because she was so comfortable with Luna that her thoughts seemed to want to instantly spill.
So when half an hour had passed, and Lucy knew she had to get ready for her afternoon appointment, she walked out of Luna’s office feeling lighter, having shared how certain aspects of Tim’s first session had brought up bad memories, and how she felt like the good parts from the session for Tim, were just as important as her heavy feelings.
All in all, she had high hopes for Wednesday, and she couldn’t wait to hopefully be able to help the young man who’s shoulders were clearly so heavy with pain and trauma.
Her only goal would be to get him go leave that heavy weight behind little by little after every session, until he walked out of her office with his head held high.
•••
The next eight weeks, almost blurred together, and Lucy found that her and Tim settled into a steady routine.
On week 2 they touched on his military trauma. After he was medically discharged after a horrific incident leaving him the only survivor of his platoon.
On week 3, they tackled his ex fiancée Isabel, and how a couple of weeks before Tim was last deployed Isabel left him. He was gone for 8 months and came back to the residual haunting memories, and he felt like he had nowhere to turn.
On week 4 Isabel was still the focus. But Lucy chose to work more on how they got together, revisiting the happier times, to try and help Tim work through their relationship.
On week 5, Tim brought up his sister. Their relationship. How he wanted it to slowly improve now he was home indefinitely, and Lucy encouraged him to reach out.
On week 6, it was probably the heaviest their sessions had ever been, and Lucy asked about his father and that part of his childhood.
After that session Lucy gave Tim her number. Just in case. For emergencies only.
On week 7, Tim identified that he was suffering from survivors’ guilt, and those sessions following his revelation felt like a breakthrough.
On week 8, Lucy really just wanted to know how was coping, which was sort of the way she did it with all of her clients if she felt they were doing well, and when Tim left her office with a smile after week 8, Lucy knew that he was going in the right direction, and every week she was seeing a different person, slowly shedding that weight, and leaving it for her to sort through, that trust was only getting stronger, and eventually Lucy knew that there’d come a time where Tim didn’t sign in at the front desk, or sit in the chair opposite her, but for now she was happy with where he was, and that he’d found her practice in the first place.
•••
And as Tim walked out of his 24th session with Lucy, marking two months with her as his therapist, he walked out with a smile on his face and for the first time in a long time he no longer felt like he was on a sinking ship.
Maybe all the holes weren’t permanently fixed, maybe some of them wouldn’t ever be fixed, but they were getting there slowly and Tim was glad he’d made the choice to take Nyla’s advice, and that he’d stuck through the first few appointments, because he had a feeling that he was going to get better, and he wanted to get better and that alone showed him just how far he’d come in just two months.
And he couldn’t wait to start feeling like himself again.