Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jisung.

It was probably the post-concert adrenaline. When the rush after performing multiple songs and dancing to hardcore choreographies for three hours hasn't mellowed down just yet. With rapid heartbeats, the flashing lights still blind them as they exit the stage. The cheers from thousands of people can still be heard; screaming their names just as they all waved goodbye. Those hazy and unclear minutes just as the staff surrounds them backstage, all saying too many things at once. Wiping their faces, giving them water, telling them to proceed to the dressing room for a photo, and asking them to get changed. All the voices would be muffled by then, and it gets overwhelming. Everyone would be yelling and running around.

His feet are still shaking, although he tried to hide it for most of the show. The huge hallway would be too crowded and it's getting a little too hard to breathe. Sometimes, to the point where his chest would tighten. The urge to get away from here and find a quiet place to hide takes over him. He licks his dry lips as he scans the room. One of their members was asking for their phone, another was upset at the staff for his mic problems during one of their songs, and one is calling his parents who were in the crowd and it was too loud. He stands there frozen as he finds it difficult to breathe. His mind is everywhere all at once and he can't focus. He panics as his throat begins to close up. Then just as he was about to break down and he felt tears sting the corners of his eyes; he spots a familiar face already looking at him.

There are about fifty people in that small space, but no one noticed how he was on the verge of an attack except for Lee Minho who was a few feet away from where he was standing.

"You okay?" The elder mouths, careful not to let other people notice his growing concern for him because that would only suffocate him more.

Jisung shakes his head, and gulps.

Minho then moved past the crowd to get to him, he ignored one of the staff that was still talking to him.

When they were just a few inches apart, Jisung already felt a sense of comfort, even just a little. Minho's sheer presence alone made him feel better as they now share the same space. Like warmth from a small heater on a cold, winter night.

"Let's get you out of here." Minho leans in and whispers, he grabs Jisung's right hand and drags him through the hallway, and he follows. Maybe some of the staff tried to stop them and asked them where they were headed, while others were too preoccupied to even notice, and their members just looked at the direction they were headed. Not bothering to ask further questions.

The both of them pass through the crowd, Minho pushing past the people as he tightly grips Jisung's wrist. Jisung looks up and everyone else starts to disappear, all he sees is Minho's back. His white shirt was soaking with sweat, to the point where Jisung could almost see right through it. After what felt like ages of walking, they enter a small storage room. Minho locks it behind them and all the noises immediately stop. Jisung lets out a breath of relief, a breath that he wasn't aware he was holding. He feels lightheaded so Minho grabs both his shoulders to steady him.

It was utter darkness inside this tiny space, and Minho leans in to press their foreheads together.

Jisung closes his eyes, trying to calm himself.

"Hey, it's okay." Minho comforts him, "It's over. You're okay." he assures.

Jisung nods, eyes still shut, he's too afraid to open them.

Minho grabs the back of Jisung's head and places it on his shoulder, his hands running up and down Jisung's back. "You did well, Hannie."

With that, Jisung wants to cry. He doesn't want to be like this. Sometimes he wonders the extent of their members' patience, of Minho's compassion, of his own strength. Until when will he be like this? He grips Minho's shirt, doesn't exactly understand how he feels. It was all too much, the anxiousness mixed with relief, followed by guilt and pride was too overwhelming to process.

When he finally has enough courage, he opens his eyes and is greeted by Minho's ethereal face filled with worry.

"Hyung..."

Minho smiles at him, "You're okay."

Jisung nods.

This moment was just one out of a hundred or even a thousand times wherein Minho's sheer presence gave him comfort. Moments where just as he felt like the world would cave in and swallow him whole, Minho's hand would reach out to him, and like magic; time would suspend. Suddenly all that he thought mattered, didn't and all that will be is the serene and warm calmness that hugs him. Just one touch and Jisung would melt, would conquer, would bleed and sometimes he would even beg.

Jisung used to be so confident and he took pride in the thought that he gave Lee Minho comfort all those years ago just by holding his hand. Maybe Minho exaggerated how it happened or maybe the emotions that ran with the survival show followed by the magic of editing made Jisung feel like it was a bigger deal than it was originally. Nevertheless, Minho will often remind him from time to time that Han Jisung saved him that day. And that one small gesture, that single minute, that something so mundane; changed his life forever. Jisung doesn't understand what Minho means when he says that, but it does make him happy. Happy because one simple moment that happened under such intense pressure skyrocketed their friendship. It all started with that, or so Jisung believed.

But now, more than five years later, here he was breaking down in a small storage closet after a concert.

His hands kept shaking so Minho covered it with his, squeezing it lightly, just enough to let Jisung know that he was not going anywhere.

And there it was again, that fluttering feeling that dances inside his chest. He wants to throw up, the butterflies are fighting the moths that already occupy his insides.

Minho then moves to sit on the floor, and once he is settled he pats his lap as an invitation. Jisung doesn't hesitate, he lays down with his head resting on Minho's lap as they hide from the rowdy outside world. Here, in complete darkness, a flame cradles him.

Yes, he might have saved Lee Minho years ago. But, lately, he lost track of how many times Lee Minho has liberated him from all the monsters inside his head.

Jisung looked up and he could only make out some of Minho's features, the only source of light is from the gap in the door frame from the outside. But he could tell that Minho had his eyes on him, it never left Jisung most of the time. Or so Jisung often notices. It's something he also cannot comprehend, why would Minho's gaze linger longer than necessary? The elder doesn't just spare him a second glance, it follows and comes back again and again. Jisung should be uncomfortable, but he does the same. Maybe not as obvious as the other, but his eyes will wander around until it's fixed on the ever-ethereal being that is Minho.

"Is there a way I could help you?" he asks Jisung.

He shakes his head and closes his eyes. He tries to focus on the way Minho threads his hair and hums a made-up melody.

The rest of the members would probably look for them any minute now, the staff are probably running around in search of them as well. They should get changed and head home after an exhausting day. Jisung knows that they should be getting ready to rest because their schedules will be merciless in a few weeks until the end of the year. But the thought of facing the world tires him out, and he's not ready to leave this space yet. In a few minutes, Minho and he will ride different cars to different dorms. And he's not ready for that just yet.

Jisung dislikes how dependent he's become on the elder, how he longs to see him all the time despite being inseparable when together.  He dismisses the idea of what all this could mean. If it could be just pure reliance on someone he's grown tremendously comfortable with like no other on this planet. Or if it could be something so much more deeper than that.

After a few minutes, when Jisung's pulse is no longer convulsing through his eardrums and his vision starts to clear up, when the world starts to get quiet in his head; he sits up and looks at Minho. Just a while ago, his eyes shined as he looked at the ocean of colors in front of them, basking in the center of thousands of people. Ever so ethereal and majestic, as Lee Minho could be.

Their faces are inches apart.

Suddenly, Jisung's heart starts to race again, but in a totally different way than it did before.

It aches and it flutters.

Jisung gulps, he's about to pull away when Minho grabs his arm to steady him. For a second there, Jisung was certain that Minho's face told a different story that he couldn't quite understand, he leaned forward and Jisung had the urge to pull back but he didn't. He felt brave. Daring. He doesn't miss the way Minho's eyes slowly move up and down his lips. He could feel the warmth of Minho's breath, their noses barely touching.

Before Jisung could react, their lips made contact.

Completely taken aback by what's happening, but Minho's soft lips lead him in. Kissing Lee Minho was magical, Jisung won't admit it, but it was more than he ever imagined. And yes, he thought of this moment for years, it kept him up at night and even haunted him in his dreams.

Usually, in his head, it's always desperate and intense. Rough hands and dark gazes. It leaves him panting and breathless.

But right now, the Lee Minho in front of him had the most feather-like touches as he brought up his hands to cup Jisung's cheeks. He's so painfully gentle when he deepens the kiss, that Jisung's eyes shut. Minho's lips expertly move from Jisung's upper lip then slightly biting his bottom lip, making Jisung squirm a little but he doesn't fight it. He's afraid to move because he might ruin this moment as he still proceeds to process if it is even real.

Minho pulled him closer until their chest to chest, and Minho's heartbeat was erratic to Jisung's surprise. So he slowly lifts his hand to place then on the elder's back to try to soothe him.

Just as he tries to gain courage and starts to kiss Minho back, the door bangs.

"Minho-ssi?" It was their manager.

Minho pulls away, but Jisung doesn't miss the stretch of saliva that still connects their lips for a moment then breaks, Jisung nervously looks at the elder as he starts to stand up.

"Yes?" He calls back, eyes never leaving Jisung.

"Are you with Jisung? We have to get going, the venue is closing up."

The elder clears his throat, "I- I think I saw him outside, I'll get him and we'll be there."

Jisung knows why Minho lied like that, it would be hard to explain why the both of them are inside a storage closet post-concert. And judging by what just happened, the assumptions of people are right. But it still made him feel bad, but nobody else needs to know that.

When their managers' footsteps can no longer be heard, "I'll wait for you by the end of the hall in two minutes.". Minho then leaves the room and shuts it behind him.

Jisung sat there still frozen.

He's got no reason to overthink this now.

So yes, it was probably just the post-concert adrenaline. When the rush and energy have no other place to go, it'll prey on the most vulnerable thing in sight. It just so happens that both of them are there. Nothing more.

That night, as Jisung rode the van that led them to the dorm, as some of their members laughed and talked about what happened in the show, he felt like a part of his soul was still inside that closet or maybe even in the other van next to them, headed to a different dorm.

As he lays down in his bed, he wonders if that kiss was a mistake, an accident, or something long-awaited that they just dance around or ignore.

The feeling lingers on his lips hours later, it happens again and again as he closes his eyes.

The sweet scent of Minho that he can't quite get rid of and the way his gaze follows Jisung around even when they are not in the same place.

Will this change anything? He prays it won't but is also disappointed if it doesn't.

Then he wonders if Minho dwells on this too or was he fast asleep?

Minho.

Stuffing the last snack inside his duffle bag, he struggles to close it. After a few curses and frustrated sighs, Felix peaks his head in his room.

"You need help there, hyung?" the younger wraps his towel around his neck as he pads through the floor to where Minho is sitting.

"I'm almost done, is the bathroom free?" He asks.

Felix tries to dry his hair as he observes Minho's messy floor, "Hmm, I think Seungmin beat you to it just now."

Minho frowns as he continues to fumble with his things.

"You alright? You've been real quiet since the concert and now you getting angry at the souvenirs." Felix eyes him.

Was he alright? He's not sure, the past hours have been a blur and he can't seem to grasp what just happened. He's dead-tired, his head ached and he still needed to get ready to go home to Gimpo tomorrow.

"I'm alright, just...tired."

Felix grabs a packet of snacks and stuffs it in another bag, he doesn't question him more as he helps him. Minho silently thanks Felix for that.

"These are for your grandma?"

Minho smiles as he nods, "She has many friends over sometimes."

Felix smiles too as they continue in comfortable silence.

By 3 AM, Minho still couldn't sleep. He thinks about earlier and winces at himself.

Why? Why did I do that?

He then remembers the look on Jisung's face, he must've scared him off.

Shit.

Jisung needed comfort, and Minho took advantage of his state. He didn't need Minho to kiss him, but Minho needed to kiss him. Han Jisung looked so small and fragile, Minho always had to hold himself together. He had been trying so hard to keep himself from doing something stupid and reckless, but today he let his feelings win him over. After years of pining over Han all while building a gigantic wall between him and his emotions, it took a single glace in the dark. He cracks and god the debris kept falling and he can't stop it.

Since the moment Jisung held his hand, Minho knew that he could never escape this.

He sat up on his bed as he noticed his hands tremble. What do I do now?

Does he pretend that it never happened? Does he tell Jisung what he felt? No. That's not possible.

Lee Minho is afraid of Han Jisung rejecting him, yes he'd be devastated at that.

But nothing terrifies him more than Han Jisung reciprocating his feelings. Because then, both of them will have to face this tragic reality that although the feelings are mutual, they could never be. Minho could list down thousands of reasons why they can't and the thought of it shouldn't even be considered in the first place. Han Jisung is his best friend, he couldn't lose him or change that. So he must settle for what they are not and it should be more than enough. It has to be enough.

But now that he knows what Jisung tasted like;

Please let it be enough.

At exactly 6 AM, he loads the van that'll take him to Gimpo with all the stuff he needs to bring. He'd like to see Jisung before he leaves but he's not quite ready for that. What if Jisung doesn't even wanna see him? What if he's angry? Good thing they all have a few days off before they prepare for their fan meeting, he'll give them time.

Normally, he'd stop by the other dorm just to say goodbye to Jisung or maybe ask him to come at the last minute. So instead, he takes out his phone and sends a message, praying that the younger was still asleep.

Then he gets on and heads home, a little less excited than he was before.

Jisung.

[ilino-kun: I'm going to Gimpo now. Didn't stop by, running late.  Text you when I arrive.]

Jisung reads it again and again, and each time his disappointment grows. He actually woke up around five and washed his face because Minho usually drops by before going home but this time he has an excuse. It was now clear that he was avoiding Jisung.

Jisung sent him an emoji back and then he tosses his phone to the side of the bed.

The past few months have been hard on him, he will admit that. Somewhere along promotions, producing, and unforgiving schedules, he lost a piece of himself and he can't get it back. There's this gloomy shadow that follows him and clings to his shoulders, making it difficult to walk or do anything. It's fatigue they said and when their schedules clear up, he's convinced that it'll go away. His members are now starting to get worried about it and even their fans have noticed too, he assures them that he's okay and he is. He just needs time to clear his head.

The only clarity and sense of comfort he had is now trying to avoid him and his anxiety skyrockets.

He doesn't notice how fast his legs are shaking until Changbin places his hands on his skin, making him stop.

The three of them along with Chan are currently in a meeting with other producers. Jisung wasn't paying attention since they started, good thing no one really asked him for anything. When it was over, Chan stayed behind to settle a few more things, he and Changbin headed out for a late lunch.

He barely touched his food.

"You haven't eaten anything since yesterday, what's going on?"

Changbin's voice breaks his trance, "I'm just a little out of it."

The elder didn't ask again but he spares him worried glances from time to time.

As they walk back to the company, Jisung notices that it's about to rain soon.

"Did you go back to your therapist?"

Changbin wasn't looking at him as he led the way.

"I did. Same as usual, I just need to take it a day at a time. Prescribed a different medicine and talked about useless shit for a whole hour." Jisung tries to lighten the mood by chuckling but Changbin doesn't find it funny.

"You can tell me about it, you know that right?"

Jisung does.

"I'm not a registered doctor, but I am your friend and I will listen. All of us will."

Jisung smiles at that, he runs up to his hyung and bear hugs him, making the both of them almost stumble.

He exited the company around 6 PM, it was now slightly raining. A perfect weather to stay in his room and sleep until he feels better.

Jisung didn't have an umbrella with him as he was walking halfway towards the dorm when the rain started to fall harder.

"Ah! Did you just get out of a pool or something?!" Hyunjin jumps as he enters the door, and he runs to get Jisung a towel.

"It's pouring out there." He said, dripping all over the floor.

"No shit. Look at you! You'll get sick." Hyunjin scolds as he pats Jisung's head dry.

Jisung laughs, "I'll take a bath, jeez."

Hyunjin hits him with a towel as he goes to the hallway.

As he lays down, freshly showered he notices a few texts from Minho.

[irino-kun: I fell asleep as soon as I got here. u okay?]

[me: ok. how are your brothers?]

[irino-kun: Soni is asleep, Dongi is on my lap and Dori is outside.]

[irino-kun: (picture)]

Jisung smiles at Minho's selca with Dongi. It hasn't been twenty-four hours since they last saw each other but he can't help the urge to see him. Minho's fluffy hair almost covers his eyes, his wearing the matching sweater they bought online together. Jisung feels content whenever Minho wears something they got together or sometimes he wears Jisung's clothes in general. It gives Jisung a sense of confidence that when they are not together, Minho is taking him wherever he is. A cruel part of him smiles at the thought that other people couldn't get on his level of closeness with Minho.

As he lays down, he continues to scroll through his phone for the next couple of hours. Jisung has a habit of snooping through social media, secretly searching up their names and reading what their fans say about them. It was often not advised for celebrities to search up their names, it creates anxiety and hyper-awareness. It's often better for their sanity to not do it, but Han Jisung's curiosity gets the best of him. He always wants to know what people say about him, in a non-egoistic way.

Then a photo gets his attention, it was a picture of a girl with someone who looks like Lee Minho. The both of them are all cuddled up. In the caption, it read, "Your beloved singer is secretly dating someone right now, here's proof"

Jisung felt his heart drop. He then takes a closer look and relief washes over him. He knows Minho like the back of his hand, it was clear as day that it wasn't his hyung.

He then reads the comments and how they were all saying it wasn't real, calling out the person who posted it.

Jisung turns off his phone, he releases a deep breath that he didn't even know he was holding.

He mentally scolds himself for being way too happy that it was fake. Then the realization hits him, Does Lee Minho like someone now? Did he ever love someone before? What happened? Who in this world was lucky enough to have caught Minho's heart?

The uneasiness rises like a raging fever, does Minho like someone? Maybe they are together at this exact moment?

Jisung, on impulse, gets his phone and dials without a second thought.

It only took two rings for Minho to answer, Jisung now wished he didn't.

"Hannie?" His voice was hoarse, Jisung probably woke him up.

Oh no, he didn't think this through.

"Hyung."

"I thought you were asleep."

Jisung then realizes that this is the first time they have spoken since the kiss.

"No, I was just about to..."

"Are you okay?"

No.

"...Yes. I just wanted to tell you that PD-nim praised you a lot in the meeting earlier."

A faint but shy laughter came from the other line and Jisung basked in the sound of it.

"Really?"

Jisung hums, and it was true. Minho's progress has been evident as day, his hard work and determination have paid off tremendously. Was it something so important that it needed to be said in the middle of the night? No. But he had no other choice nor reason.

"Did I wake you?"

Minho chuckles again, "Nope, I was waiting for you to call me."

"Why?"

Jisung worries that Minho will talk about what happened or bring it up,

"It's weird not being able to talk to you for long periods of time, I miss how annoying you are."

Jisung scoffs, "You're the annoying one."

"You tolerate me anyways, right?"

"Always." Jisung finds it embarrassing how quickly he responded to that, but it's true. He's not gonna lie about that. He'll keep many things a secret, like how he purposely stays out late in the practice room so that he can watch Minho perfect the choreography, or how he sometimes watches videos of the both of them, and how giddy he feels when Minho remembers the smallest details about him, and the list goes on. But he'll never deny the fact that he will put up with whatever shenanigans Lee Minho has in mind nor the fact that he'll probably stand by him until the end of the world.

Then there was a brief pause.

"Han?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry if I didn't stop by earlier."

Jisung faintly chuckles, "Why are you apologizing? You don't have to every time, stopping by will only waste your time." He says, but he doesn't really believe that. Because it did mean something to him when Minho comes over to see him, he won't admit it but such a little thing would brighten his day. It was pathetic, but it made him happy.

He hears Minho clear his throat, "Well, that doesn't really stop the fact that I like to see you before I go." he confesses and it tugs a few strings in Jisung's heart. Minho should really stop saying things like that, Jisung might convince himself that there was a deeper meaning to it when in reality there wasn't. "You see me every day."

Minho hums on the other line, "I do..." the elder agrees. Jisung waits for a 'but' but that doesn't appear. He doesn't know what he was expecting Minho to say.

Late in the afternoon the next day, Jisung exits the hospital. The weather hasn't cleared up yet and it looks like it'll pour down soon. He should probably get back to the dorm and get some sleep, his therapist gave him some new medications for his stress and insomnia, and he also lost a little weight since the last week he visited. That's not a good sign, they have packed schedules coming up. He doesn't want to get sick and miss out, he knows that their fans will want him to rest and get better but he doesn't want to worry nor disappoint them and his members. He needs to get better but he doesn't know where to start. The city lacked color or spark, it felt like the world was turning a little too fast and he couldn't keep up. He wants to catch up but his feet are glued to the ground and he can't feel anything.

Yes, he feels emotions but he can't bring himself to act upon it nor care too much. It's all too much and it's so heavy.

He stops by a small cafe and sits by the window. Even his cake seems unappetizing. And even when the place is almost empty, he can't seem to breathe properly.

Jisung doesn't want to be like this. Who does? He's constantly tired but can't rest. His hands are trembling, so he hides them in between his lap as he tries to distract himself by looking outside the window.

If he could, he'd cry in this every moment. He wants to cry or scream, anything. Small pitter-patters start to hit the glass window, eventually turning bigger and stronger. He watches the people run for shelter or open their umbrellas, he looks at the raindrops that fall from the canopy. The sky is crying for his sake.

A taxi pulls over in front of him. He gulps as he stands up from his seat, leaving the uneaten dessert and melting iced americano behind.

Minho.

Sooni gently sleeps on Minho's leg as he is spread out on the floor packing his stuff again. He's going back to the dorm the day after tomorrow. He wanted to take a walk somewhere but it's currently raining outside. Which was just great. They rarely get a day off and when they do, it's storming. Minho pouts, at least he can spend time with his parents and cats, so that's enough for him. It's almost night time and his mom is preparing dinner downstairs, Minho plays with Dori who has been seeking his attention since he started packing earlier.

His phone vibrates on his bed, he stands up to answer.

"Minho?"

Minho immediately furrows his eyebrows, the tone is off. "Chan-hyung?"

"Do you happen to know where Jisung is?"

He knew that something was wrong, he felt his stomach drop. "I'm in Gimpo. He hasn't texted me since last night. Why?" He's now worried.

Chan hesitates on the other line but answers, "Well, he went to the Doctor this afternoon, and we were supposed to meet him at the studio but he didn't show up, we called Hyunjin and he said that he's still not home. We also called Felix and the others but they haven't seen him too. He's not answering his phone."

Minho almost curses. Jisung might not be in his best condition lately, but he's never done something so reckless like this. Minho's heart almost stops and he thinks of all the possibilities of where Jisung ran off to. He hangs up with Chan and sprints downstairs to fetch his coat, he needs to get to Seoul now. Jisung easily gets lost at times and it's storming like crazy.

Just as he was about to put on his shoes, a text appeared.

Han-ssi: [image]

It's a photo of what seems to be a swing set, the loneliest one Minho has ever seen. Rain water soaks the rusted metal chains, a puddle is forming on the dirt, and there's no grass around it...then it seemed familiar.

Minho quickly puts on his shoes, takes a random umbrella from the rack, and runs outside like a madman. He takes a few lefts and rights, ignoring how the rain is basically just pouring down like a bucket on him. After what felt like forever of running, well it was actually just a solid 5 minutes, he arrives at the old park in the neighborhood. He desperately looks around the vacant place only to find Han Jisung taking shelter under one of those playground slides that is shaped like a house. He takes careful steps towards the younger. Jisung doesn't say anything when Minho sees him. Minho stands next to him.

He lets out a slight breath of relief as he takes in Jisung's appearance. Of course, he's soaking wet from head to toe and he's slightly shivering. Minho runs his fingers to comb his hair as he tries to think. He doesn't ask Jisung why he's here, because he doesn't want nor have to. He's actually glad that Jisung came all the way here. Minho just hoped that even just a little bit, the rain had washed away his thoughts and that he was at ease even if it was just for a little while. He prays that his presence helped too because seeing Jisung surely made him feel better. Not fully because he was relieved that Jisung was okay, but it was mostly because he indeed wanted to see the younger since yesterday. A sob breaks their silence, not even the rain could prevent Minho from hearing it. He looked at the younger who was now crying next to him. He might never understand what Jisung was feeling at this exact moment, but he knew that he needed a good cry. So he pulls Jisung by the hand and brings him close to hold. He lets Jisung sob as he holds him. The angry skies and thunder roar all around them but Jisung is warm to embrace and the world goes silent when he's between Minho's arms.

This is okay. This is enough.

To be the one he runs to, to be his shoulder to lean on, to be the one who picks him out when he's lost... just to be near him like this is more than enough.

"My oh my! Look at the both of you! You're dripping wet! Get upstairs and shower, you'll get sick." His mom scolds them when he takes the both of them back home. Because of how frequently Jisung has come to visit, she now treats him like her own child. She even asked why Minho came without him yesterday.

Minho gave Jisung some clothes and they both showered and went down to eat with his parents. Minho is amazed at Jisung's ability to act like everything was okay as if he wasn't having a mental breakdown in the middle of a storm just an hour before. He spoke and laughed with Minho's mom and dad, he even joked around and teased Minho. Just like how he was on stage, he never lets his troubles get the best of him as much as he can. Han Jisung is full of light, he may flicker from time to time, but he still shines the brightest among others.

That night when the lights were off and the only sound that could be heard was the downpour outside, they both lay in Minho's childhood bed in silence, under the warm blankets.

"I'm sorry," Jisung says in a whisper. "I made you worry and came all the way here."

Minho shakes his head, eyes on the ceiling, "I'm happy you're here, you made the others worry though so they might need an explanation."

Jisung sighs lightly, he turns to face Minho, his body curved into a C, hands tucked behind his cheeks as he studies Minho's face in the darkness. "I didn't know what came over me, I saw the cab and all I could think of was I wanted to see you before I made a fool of myself in front of random people in a cafe, I figured that you're the safest place to cry to."

Minho doesn't like that Jisung had a meltdown, but he did smile at the fact that Jisung chose him and trusted him.

"You're right, I'd hate to see you cry in general but if you have to, I'd rather be the one that's next to you." He admits. "How was the check-up?"

Jisung yawns, "Nothing new, he didn't advise me to go on hiatus yet so that's good news. And I don't ever want them to, but I feel like with the direction I'm heading, that option won't be far. I hate that but I can't-" Jisung's voice cracks as he tried to explain, "-I- I-can't focus, my body trembles and my mind is all over the place but I'm not physically there- I just-"

Minho turns and wraps an arm around him, he hushes Jisung as he snuggles closer. Jisung smells like him, he likes that.

"Sometimes, I feel like myself  but these days I can't even tell who's staring back at my reflection." Jisung hides his face on Minho's chest, "And-I'm terrified that one day you guys will get tired of me being this way." He whispers.

Minho pulls him impossibly closer, "No, that's never happening. And might I tell you Hannie, nothing in this world will ever make me get tired of you." He then kisses Jisung's forehead.

They fall asleep like that; arms and legs tangled as their bodies pressed together. It was the best sleep Minho had gotten in a while.

Jisung.

He sits on the wooden steps on Minho's porch, watching Minho play with his cats. The sky is still colored gray and gentle rain falls to the ground. He's wearing one of Minho's knitted sweaters and is holding a hot cup of coffee with both hands. The whole thing felt domestic and calm, he decided to not worry about anything today and wait for all of it out when they headed back to Seoul tomorrow. Jisung still needed to apologize to their members for suddenly going away and worrying them. He instead tries to focus on the sound of distant thunder.

After a few minutes, Minho joins him. They sit in comfortable silence. Which was nice, to have someone in either chaos or calm. Jisung is indeed grateful to have met Minho.

The elder kept fumbling with his bracelet, the one they both bought in Jeju a few months back. Jisung was devastated when he broke it.

"Listen.." Minho looked around, probably finding the right words to say. "I- about what happened after the concert,-"

Jisung then remembered, and his eyes widened. He knows that they're bound to talk about this one way or another but he hoped that they could've just ignored it for a while. What was Minho gonna say? He'll probably ask for Jisung to act like it never happened and that it was all just a spur of the moment. Which was also the safest option for them, but that also meant that it didn't mean anything at all. And Jisung also doesn't want that. He bites his lower lip as he nods for the elder to continue.

"You probably hate me for doing that. It was uncalled for and I don't know what got over me." Minho wasn't looking at him so Jisung also looks at everywhere else.

He gulps, "I could never hate you, hyung." he assures.

Minho nods, "-but it wasn't something I regret doing."

Jisung looks at him this time.

"Truth be told, I wanted to do that for a long time now," he confessed and that sent shockwaves through Jisung's entire system, he couldn't believe what he just heard. Time stopped and went quiet.  Jisung scans Minho's face for any trace that he might be joking but there isn't, he is left speechless. So he lets the elder continue talking. Minho lets out a shaky breath, like a laugh of some sort, "-I'm not gonna sit here and deny that because you're my best friend but I will also take responsibility for my uncalled actions. I'm sorry Han-ah"

Jisung clears his throat, "Don't apologize, hyung."

Where do they go from here?

Jisung thinks about it but then confesses, "I wanted to kiss you since the day I saw you on the fifth floor of the old company." The words came out easier than he thought and it was the truth. When his eyes landed on Minho years ago, some kind of anger and longing swept him over. He's pissed at the fact that this man was probably the most beautiful human to ever walk Earth and he has the urge to shove him against a wall; either to punch or do something more passionate than that, he can't really tell back then. His hands always wanted to hold him, his mouth spoke of him so highly and his eyes followed wherever he went.

This time it was Minho's turn to be shocked. But was it actually something to be surprised about? Everyone saw it coming; the lingering looks, the gentle touches, the need to be close, the separate world that divides them from everyone else? It wasn't anything new. And a part of them already knew that but for it to be said out loud still felt surreal. There was never anyone else to begin with. It had to be the both of them. Right? Wrong.

Jisung was expecting Minho to be happy about the mutual confession because they both wanted it. Wasn't that something to be relieved about? Doesn't that make things so much easier? Minho's eyes said otherwise. It was darkened with fear and uncertainty, Jisung knew him well enough to understand that when his eyebrows meet and his lips are pursed, his breath goes uneven and the air that surrounds them shifts into something colder than the ongoing storm. Something wasn't okay. Jisung wants to reach out and hold Minho's hands that were frozen in place, and when he finds the courage to do so; Minho moves it away. Jisung clenches his empty fists and hides them away. He stands up. He knows where this is heading, staying here and baring his feelings out will cause more harm than good so he'll try to save them.

He musters the biggest smile he can, "This changes nothing, hyung. A kiss is a kiss and it shouldn't matter as much. Come on inside, rain is starting to get stronger."

Jisung walks to the door, leaving Minho.

That night, they sleep with their backs facing each other. Jisung knew that Minho was still awake but they hadn't said a word. For the first time, it felt like there was a wall separating them. Jisung has never felt this far away from Minho before, he can't afford to lose him now. Especially with his current state, Minho is his source of clarity and light. These feelings will come and go but their friendship should remain no matter what. Even if it aches, even if it's not possible to be together, he'll settle with what they have now. He has to.

Minho.

The next few days passed like a blur, it was schedule after schedule. They barely had time to think or breathe for themselves, it was suffocating but it kept him busy from thinking about Han Jisung. Jisung is acting like everything's normal. Who has been back to his loud and bright personality overnight, and even their members are surprised by the sudden change. Just a few months ago, Jisung's void of emotion. Now he's pacing all over the place, energetic and charismatic as ever. He and Minho never got a chance to be alone since they got back from Gimpo, and he's thanking the heavens for that. He won't know what to say to him.

Now that he knows that Jisung might like him back, all his deepest desires and fears are unleashed. The longing grows but so does the possibility that all of this could go wrong engulfs him and even sneaks in his dreams. If he was a normal human, who didn't have millions of eyes following him; he'd ask Jisung to be with him, to love him, to stay with him in a not-friendly way. It would be easy and the image of it is heartbreakingly beautiful. But they aren't living an ordinary life, this is the dream that they chose and they should stand with it. It would be selfish to act upon his feelings. So he chooses to ignore it. They chose to just ignore it.

When they pass by each other in the hallways, when they sit next to each other in training rooms, when their hands brush against one another, when their eyes meet... even when there's a world of possibilities there...they make a silent promise to ignore it. Aware of each other but understand that it's not meant to be. And somehow they both convince themselves that this is okay.

A month has passed and now they have settled back into their usual routine. They watch movies together and go on little cafe trips, they talk to each other for hours without end and everything is back to the way it was. As it should be.

Each time it feels like there's more to the moment, they brush it off because they shouldn't entertain such fantasies. When contact is made and the need to prolong a moment overwhelms them, they flinch as if it burns. Minho has never been this aware of Jisung before, he has never been this close to him yet so far away. And it should be just okay.

Another month came and went. Promotions are crazy and they had concerts and shows from left and right. The pressure was over the top, their bodies ached all over, and it was catching one flight after another. Jisung sleeps in the seat next to him as they ride a plane to America. The darkness outside was eerie and all the other members and staff were asleep. He looks to his right where Jisung's puffy cheeks are squished between a neck pillow, his headphones on and his eyes flutter as he dreams. Minho sneaks a photo of him, he smiles to himself. Jisung's hands are settled on his stomach and Minho wants to hold it but he stops himself before he can lift a finger. And it aches again. That empty feeling not being close enough. Instead, he gently pokes one of Jisung's cheeks, gaining a small reaction from the younger. There was his sadness mixed with gentleness.

When he finally decides to just stop pining over Jisung, he turns to his right and sees Seo Changbin from across the aisle looking at him.

"Since when?" He asks in a whisper.

Minho hesitates but he answers, "Ever since." He waits for Changbin to react either disappointingly or maybe angrily but he doesn't. Instead, he smiles at him.

"Are you okay with just this?"

That question takes Minho aback, but he nods. He has no choice but to be okay with it, right?

This is okay...

Weeks after promotions meant time to rest for at least a few days. He lies in his room as Jisung enters, freshly showered in his pajamas while holding a laptop. Minho scoots over so that Jisung can lie next to him. He lets Minho listen to one of his new songs and they watch a movie after. Then he notices Jisung's phone going off from time to time, he's texting someone and he's smiling while doing so.

"I'm right here by the way." He reminds jokingly.

Jisung looks up from his phone and giggles, "Sorry, it's an old classmate. He's in the country and wants to meet up." He explains.

Minho doesn't let Jisung see how his heart drops at that moment.

"So, you're going?"

Jisung mindlessly nods as he continues texting.

The next day he goes with that friend and cancels on their cafe day. Jisung texted him late, almost midnight, saying that he had just gotten back from the dorm. Minho ignores the marks on his skin when he sees him but something inside him feels sick and he feels angry but he doesn't show it. Because why would he be? He can't throw a tantrum because the person he likes went on a date with someone else. He can't act all betrayed when he is the one who retracted his feelings first. He can't stop Jisung from finding happiness in someone else when he can't provide it.

So he decides to go out and disappear in a crowd of people on a dancefloor, bodies against bodies. Alcohol in his hand and the smell of cigarettes surround him. He may have made out with a pretty girl but he can't remember. Not remembering is better than anything. He may come home in the early signs of dawn and he may have distanced himself from everyone else afterwards.

Jisung would give him worried glances but he smiled reassuringly at him.

Yes, this is okay.

It has to be.

Jisung.

When the both of them come back from Gimpo, Jisung is determined to act normal. As himself and as he is with Minho. And if he realized something these past few days, it was the fact that he is a damn good actor. He musters all his energy and runs around loudly. Laughing, reacting, living as if he doesn't want to jump off a cliff every single night when he's alone. And it was working, everyone thought that he was better. He can't lose his members and he can't lose Minho, so it's alright if he loses himself first. Or at least that's what he convinces himself.

The thought that Minho likes him back is enough and it's something that he will treasure forever until it eventually passes. Nothing will happen. And it relieves him yet breaks his heart all at once. All their 'what ifs' he kept hidden in some kind of island in his mind, and he refuses to ever traverse to it again. He doesn't want the both of them to hate each other one day. If he wasn't the way he was, he might've been braver for the both of them and he might've even convinced Minho that they could make it work. But Han Jisung chose the both of them over them. As devastating as it was, he cannot risk this one-sidedly, especially when Minho doesn't want to. So he'll settle with this.

He writes lyrics about him and throws them away, he creates melodies that remind him of Minho then deletes them, and he reads books about romance with open endings in hopes of creating his own conclusion because he has no control over what he feels. Even if there was a world of hope wherein they could be happy together in the distance between them when they stand next to each other; he closes that door and locks it away. He looks at Minho and he knows that the other understood too, so this should be okay.

Preparing for a comeback took a lot of energy, mentally, for Jisung. He wasn't prepared for this, he knows it and his facade sometimes falters. He grows frustrated and irritated, he becomes distant and disconnected from reality but each time he stands up and faces it. Because he has to. He and Minho slowly go back to the way they were before the talk on Minho's porch. They're both great at pretending not to care a lot more than they usually do, as Jisung noticed. When their hands brush against one another, he goes on as if he doesn't crave more of it. Jisung lies next to him but he isn't really there. He's either fighting his demons somewhere or fighting the urge to hold Minho in ways he's not supposed to. It's conflicting, one fight after another and he's so damn tired of not being able to grasp the things his hands beg to touch. But then, he hears Minho laugh about something on the screen and suddenly he knows that he cannot change this for any selfishness that settles in his bones.

This is okay.

As the months continue to pass, Jisung feels like he can't keep this up. It's all too much and he can't catch his breath. This anxiousness is overwhelming, his body trembles and he collapses in his room each night. But he can't seem to tell anyone about it, so he breaks down in silence and starts over again the next day. The loneliness also visits him like an old friend.

He watches the rest of the members play around the field as they film for one of their variety shows. Sitting in the corner, stating that he's not good at games so he'll just stay here. His eyes follow Minho as he kicks a ball and passes it to their leader. Lee Minho is so beautiful as he laughs and teases their members. The setting sun paints him golden and he is the brightest person Jisung has ever seen, he's blinding and Han Jisung is so in love with him. He watches in admiration and yearning. It pulls in his heart and it aches and aches and aches.

He doesn't even notice the tear that falls from his eyes until a hand gives him a tissue.

He breaks from his trance to look up and see Kim Seungmin. He takes it and wipes his face. "Ah, sorry. There was something in my eye." He makes an excuse but he knows that Seungmin is the most observant out of all of them.

"Yeah, there was," the younger confirms with a sad smile as he sits on the grass next to him.

The both of them watch the others.

"You like Minho-hyung, right?"

That was a sudden question, but Seungmin didn't sound like he was teasing or curious, he was just confirming. So Jisung nods.

"Are you ever gonna do anything with it?"

He shakes his head.

Seungmin takes a deep breath, "Are you okay?"

Jisung wasn't sure if the other meant his mental state or his feelings for Minho, but he answered anyway, "It'll be okay.".

One thing about Jisung is that he doesn't have much of an outlet when he's lonely. Yes, he writes songs and watches movies. But at the end of the day, all of that gets too tiring as well. Unlike the rest of their members who love going out or have individual hobbies outside the dorms or work, he's pretty much just stuck. He doesn't have a lot of things to do to get his mind off of the things that make him sad. He used to have Minho, but even now that gives him so much heartbreak too. They still spend their time together but he'd be lying if he said that things are equally the same as before. Because once someone is aware of what they feel, it complicates things but at least one could conceal them alone and go on as if it didn't matter. And when the feeling is mutual, normally it'll be a dream come true. But what if it's mutual, but they can never be? That's a whole different type of longing. If he can choose, he'd rather have this unrequited love and just move on from it.

But in some miracle, it was reciprocated in a way. And he has never felt this miserable before.

When a friend of his reached out and asked him out, he didn't hesitate. This friend is someone who moved away to the States a few years ago, he was also Jisung's first kiss and the person who made him realize that he's bisexual. They may have fooled around after dinner, and Jisung felt so lonely that his body craved to feel anything. He imagined it to be Minho instead and kept his eyes closed as they kissed. He may have also felt disgusted afterwards, but it did relieve something in him even just for a little while. Something twisted inside him wanting to spite Lee Minho, so he asked for bruises in his skin as proof just to get a reaction out of the elder. And internally smiled when Minho looked angry.

A few days later, Jisung and some of the members go to Itaewon in search of Minho. They split up to cover more ground because the elder wasn't answering his phone. Jisung is worried, he goes around from one establishment to another, ignoring the crowds and loud music. When he stumbles upon a nightclub, he scans the area and each face he encounters. The dancefloor is crowded and the lights flicker in different colors, making it hard to see. But despite that, he sees him. In the middle, his hands are wrapped around someone's waist, his lips on someone else and Jisung stands there as the rest of the world is muffled and all the people aside from Minho and him disappear.

It hurts.

He swore Minho was looking at him too but he continued what he was doing, running his hands all over her.

Since when did this become a game of who hurts who more?

Jisung leaves and texts the rest of the members that he's heading home first, he also tells them that he thinks he saw Minho in a certain club but he already left when they got there and took Minho home.

Yes, this is how it should be.

This is okay.

Minho.

Jisung is avoiding him or was it the other way around? He's not entirely sure anymore. The other members have noticed and Jisung stopped his little act of trying to be happy. He crumbles and Minho wants to be there but Jisung doesn't let him. This was a mistake either way. They are bound to fall apart no matter what they do eventually. He is helpless and maybe he did cross a line. He hurt Jisung, intentionally. Something he swore he'd never do. Now they act as if they don't even know each other. He's angry at everything.

It's currently 3 AM and he's dancing in the practice room until his body starts to give in and hopefully break.

He's covered in sweat, his last mean was twenty-six hours ago and he wants to rip his heart out of his chest and never feel anything again.

Han Jisung cannot belong to him and that fucking sucks. They can't belong to each other. Because they're tied up in this life that they chose together. They belong to their contract, this group, that stage, those songs, and their fans. What will their families think? What will the world think? He can't bare all that and he cannot let Jisung face more burden than what he already has. If he could, he'd take all the pain and misery Han Jisung has felt and make it his own because Han Jisung deserves the world and Minho will give it all up to see him happy. But right now, he's one of the main causes of Jisung's sadness and he doesn't know what to do. How could Jisung forgive him? How could he forgive Jisung? How do they move past this without having their hearts broken?

The door opens and a head peaks in, Minho stops moving and pauses the music.

Chan enters with a tight-lipped smile. "You're still here?" He asks.

"You're here too." He counters and that earns a small nod from their leader.

He clears his throat, "May we talk?"

"If this is about Jisung, I don't know what to say about it." That's a lie, he does in fact know what to say but he doesn't want to because it won't make any difference.

Chan sighs as he gestures for them to sit on the couch, Minho whines but follows.

"Listen, I don't know what's going on between the both of you. But clearly something is and I need you to fix it because you're older and Jisung is very vulnerable right now."

Minho glares at Chan, "That's the point, nothing is going on between us."

Chan nods in understanding, "So you want there to be?"

Minho could only laugh. "I'm not talking about my damn feelings about Jisung because it doesn't matter-"

"-If it bothers you then it does matter." Chan cuts his sentence, "If it hurts you it matters, and if it makes you happy it's important. Don't shut us off like this, Jisung has been doing that for a while now and I don't need you to follow him."

He's right, ever since Jisung wasn't feeling well, he has never opened up to the rest of the members aside from Minho. The 6 of them didn't force Jisung because even if he didn't say anything to them, he still had Minho to talk to. Now, he probably doesn't have anyone. The thought of it makes Minho sick. he swallows a lump in his throat and takes a deep breath. "Okay, then tell me- how can I love him without any consequences?"

Chan didn't look surprised, he thought about it, "You just love them despite of." he answered.

That same morning, he finds himself thinking about what Chan asked before he left. 'What do you really want, Minho?'

What did he want? He wants to hold Jisung's hand and parade him around, he wants every love song that Jisung writes to be about him, he wants to fall asleep with Jisung in his arms and wake up to see his face. He wants more coffee dates and movie marathons but with lots of cuddles and kisses. He wants to have Jisung all to himself and be the only one who gets to see him bare and vulnerable. He wants all of Jisung's good and bad days. He wants Jisung's smiles to always be bright, he wants Jisung's eyes to always shine, and he wants Jisung's voice to sing to him. Everything. He wants Han Jisung but why was it so hard?

He lays in bed and for the first time, he allows himself to cry about a love that he can't seem to have. he mourns a friendship that was somewhat broken. He grieves the what-could=have-been and the what-they-had-before.

And he falls asleep with Jisung in his mind but never in his arms.

Jisung.

He's shutting himself away again.

His therapist advised that he take a break from all activities for a while and his company release a statement. He sends a message to their fans telling them that he's okay and just needs a little break. His heart is filled with all the warm messages and he promises himself that he'll get better because so many people love him and are waiting for him.

Jisung stuffs the last piece of shirt in the bag, closes it, and starts to pack up his other bag. A knock came on the door and Hyunjin and Jeongin appeared to help him out.

"How long will you be gone?" their maknae asks.

"Probably a few weeks, I think I need to clear my head," he admits. He'll be spending the next few days/weeks at home with his parents.

Hyunjin nods, and he exchanges worried looks with Jeongin, "But you will be back, right?"

Jisung laughs, "Of course, why do you even ask that?"

"Because some idols get too overwhelmed sometimes and once they realize how calm the normal world is after taking a break, they never wish to go back," Jeongin says, his voice cracks at the end of the sentence and his eyes glisten with unreleased tears.

Jisung has made all his members worry for a while now and one day he wants to properly apologize for it. They love him so much and Jisung could never live without them. He ruffles Jeongin's hair, "Are you crazy? You guys are my world, I'd never trade this for anything." He smiles at them, "I'll be back in no time, you won't even know I'm gone."

Hyunjin slightly pushes him, "I seriously doubt that your presence is definitely hard to miss out."

When Jisung is done packing and the car that'll take him home is outside, he stands up.

"Han?"

Jisung looks back to the both of them, "There's nothing wrong with falling in love." Hyunjin reminded and it brought a smile to Jisung's face as he went his way.

Minho.

Jisung's absence demanded to be felt, and Minho felt like a piece of himself was missing. They never texted nor communicated for a week and that's the longest Minho has been without him. And he thought that if he'd be able to get through this, then he could move on with his life without Jisung. But he can't. Perhaps the members were right before, Jisung can live just fine without Minho but he can't live without the younger. And he also didn't like the thought that Jisung was doing fine without him.

He needs Jisung to talk to or listen to. He needs him when he's watching a movie, when he finds a new song, when he sees a cute cat...in everything.

He lost count of the times he tried to text Jisung but deleted it. Or the number of times he almost called him.

And on the eighth day, he breaks.

It's a Tuesday and he just got back from the gym. He decided to clean up his room when he saw it. It's a knitted toy shaped like a cat. with a small note attached to it.

It reminded me of you.'

Just like how Minho placed an acorn on Jisung's bed a few years ago.

And an overwhelming feeling engulfs him. He misses Jisung so much that he could die. He needed to see him, Now.

Jisung.

Bbama is sleeping next to him. He plays with his little paw as he scrolls through a manhwa that he's currently invested in. He tries to keep himself busy, trying to enjoy his hiatus the best that he can. It's weird because just a few days ago he can't hardly catch a glimpse of sleep from all their schedules but now that is all that he does. He was advised not to look through social media and to not worry about the group for now so that he can focus on getting better.

And lately, he does feel better than before but his heart still ached. He just decided to not dwell on it, for now, one damn problem at a time.

"Jisung! Someone is here to see you." His mom calls out from outside his room.

He's confused, nobody aside from some of the members knows his address. And he wasn't expecting anyone. He runs downstairs only to find Lee Minho sitting on the couch, talking to his mother.

"Hyung?"

He cannot believe this. and it has been such a long time since he last saw him. Well, a week and a few days, but that's long enough. Jisung's mom gives them space as she prepares food.

"What are you doing here?"

Minho looked tired and uncertain, "Can we talk?"

Jisung's house is located near a portion of the Han River, they decide to take a walk there.

The weather is nice and they bought iced Americanos as they stroll. There were barely any people around.

They settle in a grass area that overlooks the waters, he felt Minho reach out for his hand. Jisung looks at him and Minho wears an unreadable expression on his face.

"I love you."

Jisung wasn't expecting to hear that. He nods, "I knew that."

And suddenly he's sad again.

Minho nods, "And I've been so scared to admit that. I thought about what this would mean to the group, our families, and our fans if I ever acted upon my emotions. It terrified me, mainly because we have worked so hard to get to where we are and this could easily ruin that. And I never said this out loud, but I'm also lost because Han, you're a boy and you're my best friend. I- I've never liked boys and I'm afraid of what others will say to me. And above all, I'm so afraid to lose you." Minho had tears in his eyes as he squeezed Jisung's hand. "I love you so much that it physically aches and I get so selfish at times because I want you all to myself and I get so angry when I can't-"

"-And I love you." He confesses.

And with that Minho breaks down, Jisung is the one to hold him this time. "You know that we can't, right?"

Jisung was crying now too, he nodded. They can't. They can't and it's so fucking unfair. He wants the easiest and humblest thing, to love and be loved back but it's hard. So damn hard. The person he wants is right next to him and he wants him back too, Jisung wants to embrace him and Minho does too but they both lead a life where freedom comes with strings. Where liberty had its limitations and the eyes that follow them wait for one mistake to turn against them. If Jisung was reckless and he didn't care about the effects of his actions, he'd beg Minho to try. But Lee Minho, who has worked for this dream to become reality since he was a child came to his mind. The same Lee Minho who loved to dance and was so passionate about his craft, who strived his way to debut and had experienced so much disappointment along the way. He sees his hyung, who is the kindest person ever, who subtly takes care of everyone else, who shines the brightest on stage, who has a fire inside him that could ignite a town, whose eyes hold constellations.

Suddenly, all the strength left Jisung's body.

"We can't, but damn it Han Jisung. I fucking love you so much." Minho whispers angrily yet weakly in his ear as Jisung pulls him closer. Minho's scent engulfs him and makes him dizzy.

"It'll pass, eventually." Jisung says to convince the both of them that this fleeting infatuation will end. But he didn't believe it. A part of him knows that he was meant to meet and be with Minho in this lifetime and maybe even in every life before and after. This wasn't a silly crush, his soul will go on longing for Minho until the end of his days, and he can feel it in his bones.

"Do you want it to pass?" Minho's question made him seem small and fragile,

Jisung shakes his head aggressively, "Never." he admits.

That night, the thousands of stars blanket the sky. They walk back to Jisung's home after stopping to eat dinner at a small convenience store. Jisung wonders if this is one day worth fighting or waiting for? Will what they lose make up for what they'll gain? But then, Minho makes him laugh as he talks about something that happened when Jisung was away, he makes Jisung feel butterflies as he tries to reenact Changbin's actions as he tells the story. Then it's clear to him, that Lee Minho will be worth every fight and wait. He is worth every pain and misery. The walkway was voided of people, and Jisung stopped in his tracks. Minho looks at him.

"You okay?"

And no, he wasn't. Swiftly closes every distance between them, grabs the back of Minho's head, and deeply kisses him like a starved man who's been walking endlessly for days.

He expects Minho to push him away, they are in a public place after all, but he doesn't. He kisses Jisung back with such intensity. Their lips and tongue fight against the other, breathless and starved. He grips a handful of Minho's soft hair of leverage because his knees feel like giving in. Minho's hand on his waist kept him steady and the other was on his neck.

The night sky above them formed so many constellations but in each other, an entire galaxy is created. The trees swayed and the wind carried the cold August breeze that swept away all the fear in them, even if it was temporary. Here, in each other's arms, they have all they'll ever need.

With much care or worry, even just for a moment, for a single song, or a short glance, a soft touch...they are content just like this.

Minho.

They lay in Jisung's bed that night, Minho wraps his arms around Jisung. His soft, bare skin felt warm against Minho. He lays his head on Minho's shoulder and Minho runs his hands through his hair. He leans forward to kiss the top of Jisung's head and the other hums, scootching impossibly closer. They don't know where to go from here, they never discussed it earlier. Because they were too preoccupied with how the other tasted like, exploring their skin with feather-like touches that felt like torture. Han Jisung will be the end of him and he doesn't mind it all.

"Will you wait for me?" he asks.

Jisung looks at him and nods, "Always."

Their hands intertwine.

Maybe one day if they are brave enough they can face the world together like this. Maybe one day when they are no longer Han and Leeknow from Stray Kids, and they are just Han Jisung and Lee Minho, maybe they can finally make this work. Because Minho can't honestly picture a future that doesn't involve Jisung. It has to be him and one day they could change even create history. Maybe one day, their love will be strong enough to change and touch others too and inspire them. But for now, this is all they have and it's more than enough.

To be able to love Jisung in silence. To look at him sleep. To hear him laugh and sing. To stand by him and to be able to subtly touch him when no one is watching.

"I missed you, I feel like I'm growing crazy without seeing you." He says and it earns a giggle from Jisung.

'You're quite honest today, hyung." His heart-shaped smile on display, he leans in and presses a peck on Minho's lips.

Minho moves them so that they are now face to face, Jisung tucks his head under Minho's chin, against his bare chest as he sighs in contentment. Minho pulls him closer.

And they sleep like that. They both silently wish for morning to not rush in, for time to suspend and allow them to stay like this for a while longer.

2 weeks later.

Minho.

Jisung arrives back at the dorms, Minho greets him as the van pulls over. The rest of the members hug and surround him and Minho looks at them crowd Jisung. He doesn't miss the way Jisung's eyes shined in happiness and he also doesn't miss the subtle but lingering gaze he spared Minho. In their own little world.

After the reunion, they all go back to their routines, they have so many schedules ahead. Nothing new. Jisung has been extremely busy, making up for his lost time. He spends most of his days in the studios and practice rooms. Minho worries that this will take a toll on him again, but Jisung has never shined as brightly as this before. He laughs so much more and is livelier, genuinely this time. Minho lives to see him enjoying coming back to work and being himself again.

Everything was perfect.

On some nights, Minho catches Jisung dozed off on the couch of the recording rooms. He'll wrap a blanket around him and kiss him. Jisung would wake up with a small but shy smile. When no one was around, he'd grab Jisung's hands and hold them. Sometimes, they would make out during their movie dates, completely forgetting what they were watching in the process. Jisung would stay behind during dance practices just to be with Minho.

Everything was just like it was before but totally different as well. And they could live with this. In hidden places, in secret, in knowing glances, in inner jokes, on slow nights, and in nice weathers. He can definitely stay here for a while.

It all comes crashing down a few days after, on a hectic Sunday afternoon where they are summoned to JYP's office for an immediate meeting.

Photos of them kissing near the Han River are posted online, breaking the internet. News outlets all over are talking about it. Articles after articles, all waiting for their company's confirmation or denial. It was clear as day that it was them in the photos, the many more claims started to come out regarding them. Many new pictures, theories, and accusations start to come out. This was Minho's biggest fear but all that he could think about was how Jisung was feeling. Their managers didn't let them see each other and asked to talk to both of them individually. They also didn't let Minho use his phone, saying that it was for the best and the company would handle this.

There's a possibility that they will terminate their contracts or ask them to leave the group. They could also firmly deny it but Minho doesn't know if he wants that either. He wants to throw up. He wants to see Jisung. He wants to address this himself. But all these people will never understand it. They will never ever come close to knowing how they both felt about this, about this news, their own feelings, their uncertainties, and misery. Some people are calling them ugly names and ask them to leave. The cameras blind him as he steps out of the vehicle to the company building. Thousands of people wait outside for him and he tries his best to put on a brave face.

He's afraid of how the members think and how this situation will burden them as well. They have a concert in a few weeks too. Minho wants to drown himself.

The higher people in the company advised him to wait for further instructions.

Park Jinyoung himself was waiting for him when he entered the glass doors.

They discuss all the possible solutions that would be best for the group and company. Minho hated every second of it.

"Tell me Minho, what do you think should happen here?" he asks, and Minho feels like he was 19 again. And he's back to that survival show, powerless and terrified but this time, Han Jisung cannot hold his hand and he's alone. This time the whole world indeed had their eyes set on them.

He gulps, "It's true." he confesses.

Park Jinyoung nods and Minho cannot read his expression.

"Are you gonna kick us out of the group?" He asks.

The producer lets out an unhumorous laugh, "I will halt both of your activities until we can figure out what's best. We need to do some damage control here, but for now, just take time to think this through." Minho nods.

"May I see him?" He asks, he needs to be there for Jisung.

"Minho-ssi, are you sure that this is the path you'll choose? Because we cannot turn all this back. This relationship you both have is difficult. The nation isn't prepared for two idols within the same group, with the same gender, to be dating. This will change your life forever and you both might come to regret it one day. Is that something you're willing to risk?" He asks.

Minho freezes. "I need to see him." his voice breaks. He makes a silent promise to himself, that he'll never deny loving Han Jisung, no matter what happens.

Park Jinyoung nods, "Understood. Go back to the dorms Minho, I'll talk to the rest of the members."

They won't let him see anyone, his parents called him and he expected him to be angry or disappointed but they weren't. They told him that they were so proud of him and that he didn't do anything wrong. He thanks the heavens for giving him his parents, at least a little weight was lifted in his heart.

He was isolated for the next day or two and he's about to break something.

A knock came to his door and it was the best sight that he has ever seen. Han Jisung stood there.

They embraced for god knows how long. Jisung cries and he does too. They stay like that for a long time.

Jisung finds himself sitting in between Minho's thighs, back against Minho's chest, fingers playing with Minho's hands as they sit on Minho's bed.

"We could always just buy a plane ticket and get out of here," Minho suggests and Jisung chuckles.

"Where do we go?"

"Hmmm...I want to say Japan but many people still know us there." Jisung leans closer.

"I'm so scared, hyung. But, all I know is that I don't want to hide this and the past few hours felt like hell but when I saw you, I felt like I could take over the world." He says.

Minho agrees, "I think I can take the weight of the world as long as I get to be with you."

Jisung smiles at that.

The world probably hates them now.

Then suddenly one of their managers walks in and tells them to get ready to head to the company.

The ride there was the heaviest thirty minutes, Minho didn't let go of Jisung's hand.

Jisung.

It has been a whirlwind of events and it just continues. Jisung's legs kept bouncing up and down as they waited in one of the conference rooms in JYP's building which was located on the top floor. The gigantic glass windows are drawn and the air is freezing. Minho puts his hand on his lap to make him stop, Minho must be going through it too. Anytime now they could be fired and all their hard work for the past years will be discarded. And if they aren't, how could they possibly face the world now? Jisung is never ashamed to love Minho but he is terrified of the criticism that comes with it. The Korean media and people tend to be unforgiving when it comes to taboo topics and non-traditional ways. He knows that so many people are supporting them, but will that support outweigh the contradiction? Will love win over hate? It usually doesn't in reality.

As they sat in an empty room, they gave them their phones back. One of their managers told them to turn on the humungous television as he exited the room.

Jisung and Minho looked at each other in confusion but did as they were told.

It was the news.

"Just two days ago, Dispatch revealed a relationship that took the world by storm. Explicit photos of Lee Minho and Han Jisung from the K-pop group Stray Kids are released to the public, leaving little to no doubt that the singers are indeed entangled in a love affair that is still somehow considered unlikely even in these times. People were outraged and even reached points of burning albums and protesting for the singers to be kicked out of the band-"

Jisung wants to turn it off, he looks at Minho who seems more hurt than angry. So he kept his eyes pierced to the screen, preparing himself for the worst.

"-but, despite all the negative reactions, the overwhelming amount of support surfaces in these events. Korean groups all over show their subtle support for the couple. ITZY showed up in the airport yesterday all wearing rainbow pins. Soloist IU sports a shirt with a quote stating love is love during his interview this morning. Bambam from Got7 raised a pride flag last night on stage. TWICE all wear different colors of the rainbow in their stage performance, SEVENTEEN and Mamamoo, and Red Velvet all show up at a festival in LA with safety pins and pride symbolisms as accessories just to name a few of a long list of artists that want to extend their love and are proud of the happenings that have been surfacing..."

Both their eyes widen at the news. Jisung felt his eyes start to sting with unreleased tears. He feels Minho rest his head on his shoulder.

"-Crowds of thousands from all over the world. Outside the JYP building right now is an estimated 20,000 people who came to show their support to the couple, crowding the streets of Gangdong-gu by miles."

Both he and Minho slowly stand up to walk over the windows, they move the gigantic curtains. Jisung's heart stops at the scene before them. Indeed, thousands of people came to cheer on them, he could see flags and signs that told them that they were loved no matter what. So many people, almost like at a concert, all screaming their names. Minho was just as wonderstruck as he was, the elder couldn't form words.

"Stray Kids leader and the rest of the members are here live tonight as this is broadcasted all over the world to address these allegations."

They look at the screen and see all six members on a stand with Bangchan in the center. Jisung worries about how this has troubled them as well.

"Hello everyone, my name is Christopher as many of you know and I'm a leader of Stray Kids. Years ago, I hand-picked each one of them on my own because I saw a future that was filled with adventure and success in each of my member's eyes. And I was right, look at us now. I'm filled with joy and happiness when all of them shine and do what they love, either as a group or individually. Han Jisung is my first stray kid, I saw a spark and talent in him that I didn't doubt at all. He's probably the most talented person I know and it comes so naturally. These days have been difficult for him even before all this blew up, but Han is a fire that cannot easily be put down, he'll come and he'll burn your hearts and light it up, and in the ruins of it; there's only magic, not destruction. Classic and effortless. Leeknow is my last stray kid, he came and swept our hearts with his passion. Easily he fitted right in, he completed us. Without both of them, SKZ will not be possible.

The past few days must've been so hard for them, their privacy and personal lives have been tampered with and it was beyond their control. They are left with no choice but to face this publicly when it was supposed to be something that only they get to decide on. This doesn't change anything for us as a group, we accept and love each other enough to stand by them and protect them regardless of the circumstances. And I assure you all, especially in times like these, we are not leaving their sides and will not tolerate painful words and actions towards them. They do not deserve any slander from this. The world needs more kindness and acceptance, as well as love. And Han Jisung and Lee Minho were filled with so much of that. I would just like to thank everyone who has come to support them and us, to those who have showered all of us with so much love over the years and for the years to come.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with loving people as long as you're not hurting anyone. Let happiness surround you and walk bravely forward knowing that we only get this one life and if you happen to find a love that's worth every struggle and triumph; keep it, fight for it, and don't let it go so easily.

Han-ah! Minho-yah! We'll be back soon! Hang in there!."

The rest of the members smile at the camera proudly, as if they know that Minho and Jisung are watching and they are coming home to them soon.

There are different kinds of victories in this world, some are little and some are deeper than the oceans. There are different kinds of dreams too, they may change over time or stay steady as one grows, but it doesn't make it unimportant. There are different types of love in this lifetime, the love you have for your friends, the love you have for your family, the love that's fleeting, and the love that lasts. And god, Han Jisung would give anything for this to last in this lifetime and hopefully even the next if possible.

Jisung looks at Minho,

"You are probably the closest thing I'll ever get to fairytales, and if this is a dream, I refuse to wake from it."

Minho hugs him, "How did I get so lucky to have stumbled upon you, Han-ah?" His eyes glisten but Jisung beat him to it as a tear falls from his eyes first.

They hold each other's hand, just like how it all started before.

Lee Minho is a sense of comfort, he is the calm after Jisung's storm. The sanity that keeps him grounded. The light that keeps him warm.

Life is not gonna be easy after these events, but knowing how vastly they are loved by the world and how deeply he is loved by Lee Minho is all the clarity he'll ever need to get past all the sadness and uncertainties that may come their way.

The voices in his head silenced for the first time in a while.

This part of his life is called peace.

Minho.

The post-concert rush hits them like a storm. Everyone is running around, changing, and speaking all at once. It was the hazy thrill that Minho often loved after their shows. Another successful night. It was also their first appearance since the leak happened. The audience applauds, Minho is overcome with so much love that he could drown in it.

In the middle of the hectic dressing rooms, his eyes catch Jisung who was talking to a staff member. Their eyes met, it wasn't a surprise there.

"You okay?" They both mouth at the same time and Minho chuckles to himself.

He nods at Jisung's direction and the other flashes him with a hearty smile.

Yes, this is okay. More than okay.

Minho looks around at his members and the faint chants of their fans from the outside can still be heard. Jisung walks and stands next to him as they head to the same van.

And he couldn't be more content than this.

When the doors are closed, their bodies are pressed up against one another. They trail kisses on each other's skin and the intensity of the moment could burn at a temperature that could burn or melt them. Minho lives in this, between Jisung's thighs, between his arms, under his skin, on his lips, and everything and everywhere else.

Loving Han Jisung was the easiest thing ever. If he had known before, it could've also been the easiest decision. No one can ever predict the future, just like how he never would've guessed to be here at this exact moment. But one thing was for sure, he'd choose his puffy face over everything else in a heartbeat. He'd continue to choose this life over and over if it meant he could meet Jisung again and again.

As they slept that night, Jisung leaned in and whispered "I love you, hyung."

Minho smugly looks at him, and he playfully rolls his eyes, "Hmm. I love you more." Their noses touch.

They will both be okay.