Chapter Text
Sangyeop’s coffee table is covered in paper sheets, letters scribbled with different pens on different surfaces, all usually kept neatly in a box. They’ve been read over and over, folded, almost sent, almost thrown away, crumpled, cried on, and stored back with a sigh. Tonight they’ve all been scattered about, a new tapestry of ink hiding the cheap Ikea wood underneath them. They read:
171208 Day 1
So, you say I'm “too perfect” for you, whatever that even means. Have you considered that maybe I'm only perfect to you because you love me? How many suitors have you had to fend off in the years we were together? Shin Yechan, let me tell you, I've never met anyone else who was willing to hear my singing in the middle of the night. Never met anyone who wanted to kiss me after basketball practice. Nobody who complimented my glasses or my cheeks, nobody who laughed at my dad jokes, nobody who found my nerdiness endearing. Nobody but you. So maybe I was perfect, perfect for you, just as you are perfect for me. How is that a reason for breaking up?
171209 Day 2
I've blocked you on all social media. If you have anything to say to me you know where to find me. I just can't stand the idea of seeing a photo of you and not knowing who took it, where, have you eaten, are you feeling alright, how is the cut on your index finger, is it healing alright, have you talked to your parents about your decision.
171211 Day 4
I haven't given up on you, by the way. I know how stubborn you are and if you think this is what's best for you, I'll respect your choice. I had to buy a white noise machine online because I can't fall asleep without hearing your snoring next to me. Almost got it shipped to your address, it was still the default one on the app.
171214 Day 7
No matter how hard I try I can't be mad at you. I just love you too much.
171229 Day 22
I keep being reminded of our time together everywhere I go. It must be easier for you now that you're not on campus anymore. Yesterday I walked in front of the coffee shop where we had our first date. I still remember your order. You made a joke about getting mint tea so that your mouth would taste better just in case we kissed later. I never told you that that was my first kiss, so I’m telling you now. My heart was beating too fast for me to focus on the mint on your lips.
180101 Day 25
Happy new year. Today I tripped on the subway stairs and fell on my laptop. How's that for being too perfect? (You would have laughed at me and then you would have taken me to the repair shop) (We would have stopped on the way to get coffee, two iced americanos because we are were boring like that)
180108 Day 32
It's been a month. Every morning I wake up and I reach for you and you're not there. The hyungs said you've fully moved out, I hope they gave you a hand. It must have been tough packing all your clothes and furniture. I wonder what you did with my drawer. Did you keep a few shirts maybe or did you throw everything away? Your drawer is still here. I haven't touched a single sock. I should probably get rid of them, start thinking about moving on, but here's the truth, Shin Yechan: I can confidently say I'll never move on.
180119 Day 43
It hasn't gotten any easier. I keep wondering if there's anything I could have done to make you stay. But how could I have been less perfect when you just liked everything about me? I liked being liked by you, hyung. I liked when you whispered it to me before going to sleep. I liked when you got drunk and started telling everyone around you how much you liked your boyfriend. I was proud to be your boyfriend. Shin Yechan's boyfriend. It was my favorite thing about me, being yours.
180120 Day 44
I'm still yours.
180126 Day 50
Do you remember our 50 day anniversary? My first tattoo. My friends said I was crazy, getting one after knowing you for so little. I don't regret it one bit, not even now. I just regret not getting it on my arms where it's easier to see, like yours. Lately I've found myself wanting to look at it often, the little puppy doodle on my shoulder. It's always smiling.
180207 Day 62
I don't even know why I'm still writing this letter. At first I thought I was going to give it to you to show you how wrong you were, but it's more of a diary now. Dear Yechan, today I was brave enough to go back to our udon place and order the usual. I was about to get two servings and then I remembered. The part timer with the funny haircut was still there. He asked if he had heard right, only one serving.
180221 Day 75
List of things I miss about you:
-your smile;
-your puffy eyes in the morning;
-the way you’d always reach for my hand whenever we were walking together;
-hearing you talk about your day over the phone when we were too busy to hang out;
-when you wanted me to take you out on a date but didn’t want to ask first (you weren’t subtle at all, by the way);
-how you could always tell when I needed encouragement;
-how you always knew what to say to cheer me up;
-I miss being Yechan-and-Sangyeop.
180222 Day 76
Sometimes I think about unblocking you. Have you tried reaching out at all? Have you texted me? You could always write me a letter the way I’ve been pathetically doing for you all this time. The truth is I could look for you and beg you for closure, ask for another explanation, but I’m scared. As long as that explanation doesn’t come I am still hopeful you’ll come back to me.
180314 Day 97
I just finished reading this thing again from the start. I sound like a widower when I really shouldn’t. You’re alive and hopefully you’re doing better than the last time we spoke. I hope things are going well with your parents, I hope they understood why you had to step away. I’ll always wish you the best, hyung, whether I’m next to you or on the other side of the world.
180317 Day 100
I’m not going to talk about our 100 day anniversary, we didn’t even leave my room the whole day. I’ll tell you another thing I’d never told you before instead: I didn’t mean to join the music club on freshman orientation day. I happened to see you in the crowd and I couldn’t help but walk towards you. I didn’t want to lie to you, I just wasn’t expecting to see you again after high school so I was a bit stunned. You recognized me and asked if I wanted to join, and when I nodded yes I had no idea we were going to end up together in less than a month.
180428 Day 142
It’s been a while but nothing has changed. I remember you joking about how busy I was and that if you left I wouldn’t even notice. You know you’re my first thought every morning and my last before falling asleep. I would have quit football and basketball practice and the music club and the student council if it really bothered you. Right now they’re just things I do to keep myself busy and go on with my daily routine. It’s hard to be excited about them when I get back to an empty room and nobody to talk to about my day.
180506 Day 150
Have you gone out to see the cherry blossoms? You like them so much, no matter how much you pretend you don’t care. The amount of photos you always took of them speaks for itself. The first time we went as a couple I had to sit through a whole photoshoot. It’s one of my favorite days with you. It was still your lockscreen the day we broke up. I changed mine, by the way. I don’t have the right to think of you as my boyfriend anymore. I still think of you as my love, there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s not going away.
180523 Day 167
List of things I don’t miss about you:
-you falling asleep in the middle of movies we were supposed to be watching together after swearing you were “totally not tired”;
-how you’d never clean the sink after brushing your teeth and I’d have to scrape dried toothpaste off the damn thing every day;
-your awful phone battery and how you’d always forget to bring a portable charger with you (please tell me you’ve got a new phone);
-your snoring. I know I had to buy a white noise machine to sleep again and I still use it because I still can’t fall asleep without some kind of background humming, but some nights it really was too much to handle;
-I don’t miss fighting with you. I don’t miss having to remind you that I was dating you because I liked you, not out of some kind of obligation. I don’t miss hearing you be negative about yourself and your worth and your skills. I don’t miss witnessing your phone calls with your parents, how much they’d stress you out, how sad you’d be afterwards. I hope you’re doing better now.
180614 Day 189
Yesterday was your birthday. I thought about writing something on here but I don't know how to put it into words. Is it mean of me to blame your parents for this? Forcing you to major in something you hated had always seemed so mean to me. They weren’t here to see how miserable you were last year, trying to get through your classes while finding the motivation to finish your dissertation. You know I’m too polite to meddle in someone else’s family affairs, so I never said anything directly against them. I’m saying it now, they were wrong to talk to you like that. I’m proud of you for quitting, you know. Even though you quit me too along the way. If it has helped you feel less miserable, it’s the right thing.
180717 Day 222
When we talked about it, you said you didn’t remember our first meeting. I must have been such an unremarkable dongsaeng to you back then. You were sitting at the very back of the music room in our high school, a bunch of people staring at you in awe as you played a few random notes on your violin. It’s funny how you used to make fun of my popularity in university, when you were the popular one in high school. I was the nerdy kid with the guitar, you were the musical prodigy. It took me three months since the first time I saw you to find the courage to introduce myself to you, and you’ve always sworn you at least remember that day, but I doubt it. I wanted you to look at me with an ounce of the admiration I had for you. I wanted you to pat my back and say good job with your guitar today, Sangyeop. Nobody plays those chords like you. It never happened of course, and I had to wait a few more years for you to finally notice me. The time wasn’t right for us in high school and it isn’t right at this moment, but maybe one day it will stop being wrong once again.
180910 Day 277
The weather has gotten so much cooler. How was your summer? Did you sleep with the air conditioning on every night like you used to? Did you get sick? Have you gone on any trips? Last week I went to Busan over the weekend, like when we got fed up with the city and the Han river just wasn’t enough anymore for us. There’s still some sand in my shoes from the beach. I even missed having to piggyback you across the whole damn thing. “Ya, Yeop-ah, give me a ride, won’t you. I don’t want to get sand in my socks.” I miss that. I felt heavier without you on my back.
181106 Day 334
Today my phone ran out of storage so I opened my gallery to clear out some space. I couldn’t delete a single thing. There must be over a hundred videos of you in there. Videos I’ve taken while you played the violin, while you stopped to pet a cat on the sidewalk, while you slept through a movie, while you ate cheap ramen from a plastic cup. It scares me that if it wasn’t for those traces I would have no memory of those ordinary days. We’ve had so many good days together that the more unremarkable ones are starting to slip away. I don’t want to forget about our convenience store snack runs, our midnight walks, our lazy afternoons. If I can’t have any new ones I want to at least keep the ones you’ve given me until now.
181207 Day 365
It’s been a year without you. One year ago I walked into your dorm thinking we were going to have dinner and watch some Netflix, and you broke up with me. One year ago you said that you were doing it for me, that I deserved better and that you couldn’t handle the pressure of living up to me. Well, here I am one year later, still in love with you and a lot more miserable. Taking away your physical presence has done nothing to diminish my feelings for you. My heart breaks every time I remember the tears in your eyes while you said the last part. I never wanted our relationship to put you under any kind of stress or pressure. You were perfect for me as you were, Shin Yechan. You weren’t supposed to be the football club ace’s boyfriend, or the student council vice president’s boyfriend, or whatever stupid title the others have given me. You were supposed to be just yourself, with your struggles and your issues and your flaws that make you the person I’ve been in love with for years.
190101 Day 388
Shin Yechan, we were so fucking good together. Violin and guitar. Tall and short. Picky eater and human vacuum. We matched so well. Nobody can make me laugh as hard as you do, as effortlessly as you do. I’d never experienced warmth like when you looked at me at the end of the day, head on your pillow and eyes heavy with sleep. I’ve never felt braver than when you intertwined our fingers in public, proud and nonchalant all at once. It’s pointless for me to think about dating again when I can’t get you out of my head. I’d just end up hurting someone else in the process and I’d get no joy out of it. Plenty of fish in the sea, sure, but you were no fish to me, Chan-ah.
190313 Day 459
Jaewon sunbae from the music club told me you’ve been teaching violin to a few kids. It made me so happy to hear that. You’re such an excellent teacher and your passion for music is inspirational for everyone around you. I’m sure you’re their favorite tutor. I hope this will show your parents how serious you are about making a career out of it. They should know as well as I do that you’re at your happiest when you’re playing an instrument. Asking you to give up on it to chase fame or money or honor is simply cruel. And hey, being a teacher might not make you super rich and famous but there’s nothing more honorable and selfless than inspiring and educating kids to pursue their interests. Maybe I should have said this to your father that one time we almost fought. I really was too polite, wasn’t I? I should have stood up for you more, no matter how terrified I was of your parents. I’m sorry I wasn’t of any help against them.
190527 Day 534
Chan-ah, I’m finally graduating! I’m done with all the coursework and the thesis has been submitted and approved. We used to dream about this day together, remember? How we’d move out and go live in some tiny apartment with a ridiculous security deposit and a terrible landlord. I’ve started looking into it, actually, but the process is not as exciting as it could have been if we were still dating. Every time I visit a new house I imagine what you’d say about it, what you would like or dislike about it, how many weeks it would take for the first noise complaint to hit us, which neighbor would figure out we’re not just friends the fastest. That reminded me of the day your dorm supervisor found us making out on the rooftop… We were so lucky he was so close to retirement, that couple of months of sneaking in after he blacklisted me was such a pain.
190703 Day 571
Well, I’m no longer a university student and I have moved. The scariest thing about it is the fact that you don’t know my new address. I bet you’ve moved on with your life and sending you my location out of the blue would be extremely weird. I may have moved but I definitely haven’t moved on from you one bit. I trust you and I trust the feelings we have for each other. I’m sure I’m delusional at this point and I’m probably hurting myself by refusing to accept it, but you know how much of a fool I can be.
190812 Day 611
Of all the incredible things you’ve done, asking me out is still my favorite. Up until that point I had thought I was making it all up in my head. The way I’d catch you staring at me from across the music room, how you’d laugh a little louder at my jokes, how we’d always end up sitting together at lunch. I thought a close friend was everything I could aspire to be to you, even though my heart burned for something more. I was ashamed of my desire for you, terrified it could be read on my face every time you played your violin so beautifully for us. And then one day you just came up and asked if I wanted to go on a date with you, and there isn’t a single ride in Lotte World that could match the impact that question had on my heart. I still can’t believe you when you say you were nervous to ask. I am so glad you asked. I am so glad I said yes.
190828 Day 627
Jaewon sunbae just texted me. He says you want me to unblock you. I’ve never known what to expect from you, Shin Yechan, so I haven’t done it yet. I’ve just been sitting on the couch reading this whole thing again. Are you reaching out for closure or are you coming back to me? Is there even a third option? In any case I’m not going to delay this any longer. I’ll face it. I guess it’s time for me to finally sign this letter.
Forever yours, Choi Sangyeop