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Aaron, Andrew, Nicky, and Neil sat in Aaron, Matt, and Nicky’s room. The cousins were playing a video game and Neil was there studying.
Through the last year, the cousins got closer. Neil was proud of the progress that they had made. Especially Andrew and Aaron but he'd never say it out loud.
He even started getting on better terms with Aaron. They weren't perfect but they were better.
Neil was sitting at one of the desks doing homework while they played. He’d promised Nicky he'd play when he was done. As he got closer to finishing, he didn't feel like playing.
His mind felt too clouded. He was doing a project for a course he didn't want to take. He had to do a project about life growing up. He told the professor he was going to lie and the professor said as long as it was believable, he didn't care.
Neil sat for 15 more minutes until his mind was completely taken over with other things. He felt that he needed a hot shower to clear his thoughts.
He got up from the desk and packed his things.
“Are you done? Does that mean you'll play now?” Nicky asked.
“I'm not done but I need to take a shower,” Neil said. Andrew was the only one who gave him a curious look.
All Aaron said was, “Don't slip,” eyes completely on the television. Neil left without saying anything else. Luckily Kevin wasn't in the dorm when he got there. Neil assumed he was still out at lunch with Wymack.
When he walked into the bathroom, he locked the door behind him. Neil got ready for the shower but avoided the mirror while he did that. He knew it would be bad if he looked at himself.
He stood underneath the water and stood there for a while. For his project, he's writing about what he wishes his life was like. What he would've liked his life to be like.
As he stood in the shower he really started thinking. What if his dad grew up differently? Would it have affected what he did as an adult? How would Neil’s life be different?
Neil made the water hotter. He liked feeling the burn on his skin. It reminded him of his mother.
He always wonders if she would've learned to like who he is now. She would've hated it at first but he thinks that maybe she would've been able to like it. Maybe she would've liked Neil as much as Neil likes Neil.
He isn't sure how long he's been in here but he hears his phone ring. He knows it's Andrew because of the ringtone. He gets out and picks up the phone.
“Hello?” Neil hates answering the phone with a hello but he doesn't know what else to say.
“You said you were going to take a shower. Showers don't take this long.” Andrew said.
“I'm okay. I'll be back in a few minutes.” He didn't wait for a response before hanging up. He turned off the shower and started drying himself off when he caught a look of himself in the mirror.
Once he started looking he couldn't look away. It felt like seeing a car crash, you don't want to keep looking but you can't look away.
He forced himself to look away and put on pants but as soon as he was done with that, he went back to looking at himself again.
He walked closer to the mirror, inspecting his chest and scars. He hates them. He hates himself.
When he finally drags his eyes from his chest to his face, he feels even worse. Some days he doesn't understand why he used to avoid mirrors and then other days he understands completely.
“I look like my dad,” he whispers to himself. He knew that obviously but Andrew was trying to help him not think like that. He couldn't stop thinking about his dad.
He couldn't take it anymore. Without a second thought, he punched the mirror. He felt his hand burn. His vision was blurred but he could see his hand was bleeding.
He felt himself fall into a deep panic. He couldn't breathe. He felt his hand go numb. He wasn't sure how bad he was bleeding. He didn’t realize he was moving backward until he ran into the wall. As soon as he hit the wall, he slid to the ground.
Was he dying? He couldn't be dying. Neil didn't want to die.
“I don't want to die,” Neil whispered to himself. He heard someone banging on the door. It can't be my father, he died, he thought, but what if he's not? What if this whole time everyone has been lying to me?
“Neil, open the door.” He hears a voice. “Neil.” Neil couldn't move. The banging continued. Eventually, he heard the lock click. Someone is coming to get me.
“No! I don't want to die.” he doesn't know if he said it loud enough for the other person to hear. He heard the door open.
“What the fuck.” the voice said.
“I don't want to die,” Neil said over and over again.
“Hey, Neil. You aren't going to die. You're safe.” The voice was in front of him but he couldn't see them. “Abram, I need to fix your hand, can I touch you?”
Neil couldn't breathe. “Where am I?”
“Your name is Neil Abram Josten. You are at Palmetto State University. You are a striker for their exy team. Number 10.”
“Who are you?”
“My name is Andrew. I need to know if I can touch you so I can fix your hand.”
Everything came back to Neil. “Drew.” He whispered to himself. “Drew,” he said a little louder, “I'm sorry.”
“Abram, yes or no.”
“Yes.” Andrew took Neil’s hand and started wrapping it in bandages.
Once he was done, Andrew said, “Neil, listen, I'm gonna bring you to our room but there is glass everywhere so you have to be careful.”
“Glass?” He said as Andrew pulled him to his feet.
“Yes, glass. Everywhere, so be careful.” Andrew walked Neil out of the bathroom and to their room. Andrew sat Neil down on Andrew’s bed. “I'm going to clean up the bathroom, don't move.”
Neil stayed in their room, listening to Andrew shuffle around the bathroom. Neil watched Andrew come back and pick up his phone.
“Do you have the ability to get us a new mirror?… I didn't do anything… You don't have to believe me but that doesn't change the fact that we need a new mirror.” Eventually, Andrew hung up the phone and stood in front of Neil.
Neil looked up at him. “Drew-”
“Don't. You don't need to apologize.” Neil looked at his hand. Andrew sat next to him. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” Neil shook his head.
“Can we go to the roof?” Neil said, quiet enough that he wasn't sure if Andrew heard him.
“Do you promise that you won't jump off?” Neil softly chuckled and Andrew took that as an answer. When they got up there, Neil stood at the edge. Andrew watched him.
Neil turned around after a bit, “Do you ever wonder how your life would have been different if you grew up with Aaron?”
Andrew walked closer to him, “Sometimes. But you can't change what happened in the past. I try not to waste my time thinking of the what-ifs.”
Neil lifted his non-bandaged hand to Andrew's face, “Yes or no?”
“Yes.” Neil cupped his cheek and held it for a while. Then he ran his hand through Andrew's hair. Before he even had a chance to ask, Andrew pulled him in and kissed him.
Once they pulled apart, they rested their forehead together. “I think I should start talking to someone,” Neil said.
“Like a therapist?” Neil nodded. “Okay. You can talk to Bee or if not I bet she knows some people you can talk to.”
“Okay.”
“Just don't make it a habit of breaking our mirror.” Neil laughed. It didn't matter what the events were that caused him to end up here, he's glad that he's here.