Work Text:
Depression was like being underwater.
And not like those pretty, fantastical dreams where you could breathe just fine and explore the beautiful terrain freely.
Rather, it was like you were being pulled under, deeper and deeper. The pressure getting stronger, your chest being crushed, your ears are pop, but your limbs are too heavy to even grasp at it. And it hurts, and hurts and hurts, but you couldn't do anything. Your mind was numb, and your eyes were closed.
And within those depths of despair.
You sleep
Or rather
You drown.
Sleep seemed to be the only thing Suguru was capable of doing lately.
Every day for the past few weeks after returning home from work, you've found him in bed, curtains drawn, even breathing despite his clenched fists tucked underneath the pillow.
And today was no different.
Returning home from yet another uneventful workday, you found the rest of the home untouched, unfeeling, and cold. After the third day, you stopped checking the microwave to see if he had touched the food you had left in there.
Once again, for the nineteenth time (yes, you were counting), you found him swept up underneath the wave of the covers. The curtains were still in the same position, and his hands were tightly balled against his chest, brows furrowed despite the slow raise and fall of his chest.
You watched him a bit longer, gaze lingering at the dark circles that seemed to grow deeper every day, before ushering yourself to the bathroom for a long bath.
You sat in silence as the unused shower head wet your face from your eyes in fat rolls. You just accepted it in stride, making sure that the sound of the water was a quiet as possible, and buried your head in your hands. Then, once everything was composed, you exited the bathroom and joined him underneath the waves, making sure that your head was above water.
Because who would save either of you, if neither of you could reach out a hand to ask for help?
Despite your gentle dissuasion, Suguru refused to miss a get-together that Satoru was hosting.
"He would be so disappointed if his best friend didn't show up." is what he told you, but you knew he was more worried about not making an appearance and having the others worry about it.
As long as he showed up, everything would be fine, right?
Wrong, because Satoru was still Satoru after all.
"Suguru, are you eating well?" Satoru asked, leaning over to eye his friend.
Suguru chuckled, veiled without mirth. "I'm eating as I have been."
"You're lookin' a little skinny!" He chortled at his own joke before waltzing over to make him a plate, piling it up and placing it in front of him.
There were a lot of meats, some sides and a few cookies wrapped up in a paper towel. Even you wouldn't be able to stomach this monstrous plate. You caught Suguru's nose crinkle in disgust for just a moment before he gave Satoru a closed eyed smile and thanked him.
Satoru nodded at you, "Make sure he eats." then walked away, off to go bother another group of people. Or maybe get away from the dark cloud that surrounded the two of you.
Satoru was still Satoru after all, and despite those absolutely stunning blue eyes that seemed to see right through you, he still couldn't truly see his best friend. He saw the man who he wanted to see, which was not far from who he actually was, but that was still disregarding a major part of him.
No matter how weak, Satoru thought it made him.
You excused yourself for a moment, going to grab two canned drinks and an empty plate before returning to your spot besides Suguru. You placed one of the drinks in front of him, then started picking off his plate. You made sure to eat slowly, keeping your eyes else where, but your focus was on him. A wave of relief washing over you when he began picking at his plate.
After a few bites, he muttered, "This tastes like shit."
You didn't force him to eat more than he was comfortable with and when he began rolling his food around, you wordlessly collected his plate and tossed it with yours. Settling back beside him and placing a hand on his thigh under the table. After a while, his slid under yours hand. He didn't try to entwine them, just relished in the grounding weight of that small bit of yourself.
The two of you stayed like this until it was socially acceptable for you to leave the function. Biding your time, and politely engaging conversations with those who would wander your way (with you dominating the discussion). The drive home was quiet, music playing lowly in the background. Your eyes were focused on the road, and Suguru's were closed in an uncomfortable sleep.
Once home, you readied yourself for bed while he carelessly stripped down to his underwear and slid under the covers. You didn't scold him, even though the hamper was in the corner of the room, and he could have easily stripped there and tossed them inside, you didn't scold him. Just put the clothes in there yourself and joined him in bed.
Because you understood, you understood that desperate feeling of needing to get under the covers as soon as humanly possible. To hide yourself away from everything else and just stop being.
But you still couldn't escape everything. You escaped right into the arms of it. That sinful whisper that told you that everything was better, safer with it under the covers, then trapped you with what it called warmth.
A warmth that very quickly became a shocking cold.
You were, unfortunately, getting used to returning to a cold home. An untouched plate still waiting in the microwave, a show-room-esque living room. Suguru trapped beneath the bottom of the ocean, body still too numb to reach out for help.
Today was different, however.
Today you were greeted by the low hum of the television, a rerun of a show the two of you enjoyed together played. His gaze was on the screen, but his attention was far off elsewhere. He must be getting tempted again, you stopped the whispers before it could persuade him any further.
"Have you started any of the new episodes?" You asked softly as you came up behind him. He shook his head no, and you took his head in your hands, tilting it back, so that you could place a kiss on his forehead. "Let me shower then, and we can watch an episode or two."
An episode or two became the whole season, not that you watched it all. You fell asleep on maybe the 8th episode, or at least that's what Suguru told you. You were the first to doze, which prompted Suguru to adjust the convertible sofa into a bed using fresh linen from the closet instead of the ones on the bed, and made it nice and cozy for the two of you. He also said that you snuggled real close to him, your face planted firmly against his neck.
"It's like you were afraid that I was gonna disappear on you." His voice was light, but there was distress behind his eyes. He knew how bad it was getting, but he hadn't realize just how bad it was affecting you as well.
The two of you often talked about simply not existing and how it would be to no longer have to bear the weight of the living while also firmly agreeing that despite these thoughts, neither of you planned to take your own life.
But this...this reaching the cusp of that, and yeah, it did scare you.
It terrified you.
But someone had to stay afloat to help him from the depths.
"I think I was just really comfy." was your lackluster response, before you stood, stretched then headed off into the kitchen.
Upon entering, your eyes caught the single plate and fork that sat, dripping, in the drying rack. As nonchalant as possible, you grabbed a paper towel and a few cookies. It wasn't out of the ordinary for you to heat up your cookies before eating them, so using that as a cover, you opened the microwave.
It was empty.
Then, as that was going, you check the trash, dusting off your cookie crumbled hands.
There was no food, or any sort of signs that food had been buried further.
He had finally eaten a whole meal.
The relief that flooded you almost made you cry on the spot, but you couldn't because you had to stay afloat.
His head was above water, but only barely.
But his hand was extended out towards you.
And you were ready to reach in and pull him from beneath the waves.