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Only a few days had gone by since Toki had been rescued, and although Skwisgaar could extrapolate bits and pieces from the media of what had gone down, trying to remember for himself only caused terrible headaches, so he decided to give up on any actual recall; still, the drastic changes that manifested in Toki made it impossible to ignore that something earth shattering had happened.
On the physical front, Toki’s skin, which was typically fair but carried a certain warm glow, was now anemic and dull; in the areas where his skin was thin, like in the wrists and around the eyes, Skwisgaar reflexively flinched at the sight of his now visible blue veins. Toki’s musculature, which for years had somewhat annoyed Skwisgaar with how easy it seemed for him to stay in shape, had atrophied completely, and he looked like any step would cause him to crumple to the ground. On a few occasions since his return, Skwisgaar had inadvertently caught sight of his naked torso; where it used to be a point of pride for Toki, and thus gave Skwisgaar a sense of a right to ogle him, he now wanted to look away out of shame from the visible bones jutting out beneath the skin, the alarmingly bright colored bruises that measured wider than his hands across his chest and back, and the nauseating zigzags of amateur surgical stitching.
Toki’s eyes, now without a trace of light, were sunken and glassy, surrounded by darkness both from injuries and lack of sleep. It was very hard for Skwisgaar to look at him for too long without feeling knots in his stomach; even the wisecracking Mordhaus physician had maintained silence when examining Toki, apparently stunned by the brutality of the injuries he sustained and miraculously survived. To everyone’s knowledge, he had not disclosed Toki’s medical information to anyone other than Charles in order to shield the minds of the band, but if Toki’s looks were not telling enough, his attitude had changed completely as well.
Although not flawless, Skwisgaar had developed considerable skill in maintaining his cool in the face of absurdity, and over the years, had gotten comfortable with Toki’s blatant aggression and hostility towards him. He developed a calmly rational understanding that any abuse hurled his way by Toki was inherently unwarranted and did not reflect on his own part, but just something to be accepted; Skwisgaar had a remarkably gracious capacity for forgiveness in this way, especially because he saw Toki as something more like a wild, but small, cute, and tameable beast; a jackrabbit, perhaps. He had a strong suspicion that deep down, Toki didn’t truly want to upset or hurt him, but he was perfectly content with never hearing him say the truth and just allowing the emanations of Toki’s own insecurity to bounce off of him.
However, this new, retraumatized Toki seemed to have had all the self consciousness melted off of him. He still had spurts of frustration, but in an even more immature vein than in the past; Skwisgaar noted that no longer were there cutting and mean spirited acts due to Toki’s insecurities, but now the only outbursts were for trivial matters, like getting too cold or hungry. Truth be told, they had all noticed a gradual decline in Toki’s stability - whatever little he began with when he entered the band, anyways - since the death of his father; he had always been childish, sure, but shortly before his abduction, he had begun to have tantrums that were uncharacteristically immature even for him.
For a while, Skwisgaar and the others had an unspoken anticipation of an emotional collapse of some sort on Toki’s part, but his abduction and torture rapidly brought this event to the forefront, yet with an extremely unexpected bend. Along with Toki’s amped up immaturity came a sudden outpouring of unashamed affection, directed primarily at Skwisgaar. Never before had Toki been truly, openly kind to him, which again, he was content to live the rest of his life without, but now he was suddenly engulfed in the full warmth of an openhearted and un-self conscious Toki. It broke his heart completely.
On one hand, Skwisgaar wanted to do his best to accept Toki’s affection, not wanting to upset or reject him, so he returned the sudden explosion of hugs coolly at first. However, a terrible feeling began to eat away at him inside; it didn’t feel right to be happy and to enjoy these things so plainly, to accept love from such a clearly broken and disoriented version of his friend. When he felt those arms around him, arms that he used to both admire and fear for their powerful strength that were now as frail as twigs, or when Toki reached for his hands, hands that used to be hearty and stable, that now, when he interlaced his fingers with Skwisgaar’s, it was painful how slim but hard and bony they were, Skwisgaar couldn’t do anything but to turn away, out of sadness and pity.
The days passed this way for a while. Toki would ambush Skwisgaar in some place like a hall with a hug and cling to him, Skwisgaar would brush him off angrily, if only to use feigned annoyance as a cover for his own pain. It got to a point where even the other members commented on it; Pickles would chide him if he was caught, but Skwisgaar maintained his signature air of indifference. What else could he even do at this point?
The only thing that alleviated some misery for him was seeing Toki’s very gradual recovery over time. The last time he was administered a surprise hug, Skwisgaar felt a noticeable difference in the weight of Toki’s arms; only a short time ago, even someone as thin as himself could have slipped out of his grip with no difficulty, but now there was at least a bit of resistance.
Today, Skwisgaar was having one of those days that he never had before Toki’s rescue; he was laying in bed, perfectly still, no women, no guitar, just staring up at the ceiling, somehow feeling every thought at once and no thoughts at all. His mind felt to him extremely noisy, jumping from image to image without pause, not even sure what to say he was thinking of, but all he knew was that he felt bad, and the natural impulse was to simply lie down.
The buzzing of his mind was interrupted by a knock on the door. A knock? Without the immediate sound of a Klokateer’s voice saying “sire”, and whatever it is they were here for? Since when did any of his bandmates knock before entering? “Yes?” Skwisgaar called out. “It’s Toki!” was the singsong reply.
This was unusual. It had been a long time since Toki had come up directly to his room. “Uh, enters?” Skwisgaar said awkwardly. The door pushed open, and Toki was standing there, hugging his Deaddy Bear tight against his chest. “Whatcha doings, Skwisgaar?”
Skwisgaar sat up, taking a good look at his friend; there was the slightest hint of a sparkle in Toki’s eyes, which made his heart skip for a moment. “Um, nots much. What does yous wants, Toki?” Skwisgaar said flatly, internally tamping down his slight excitement.
“Yous not doings anythings? That’s not likes you…” Toki tilted his head from side to side. “Then, cans Toki does nothings with yous toos?” Without waiting for an answer, he skipped over to the edge of Skwisgaar’s bed, sitting down with an expectant look in his eye.
Skwisgaar furrowed his brow. “Toki–” Before he could finish, the younger man flung his arms around him, throwing Deaddy Bear into the air. It was half bear hug, half genuinely scary pinning down; yes, Toki had definitely restored much of his former strength somehow.
“How comes you keeps avoidings me?” Toki whined. “I always hugs you and you keeps getting aways! But not nows. Toki ams strongs again. Now you have to hugs me, no matter whats.”
Skwisgaar squirmed for a bit, which only made Toki’s grip tighter; okay, maybe just give in. He went limp, falling back onto his pillow with Toki falling with him.
… And longer than a moment passed with Toki lying on top of him, on top of his bed. Hm. Well, here’s a line that hadn’t been crossed until this moment.
“Um…” Skwisgaar stiffly patted Toki’s back to alleviate some of the awkwardness he was feeling, but it didn’t cool the hotness burning in his cheeks. “Toki, I don’t wants to be means, but, this ams a bit… gay.”
“Shuts up, Skwisgaar. There ams nothings gay about snuggling and cuddling. I cuddles with Deaddy Bear all days.” Toki said, his face muffled in Skwisgaar’s neck.
Skwisgaar let out a long sigh. There was no way he could push Toki off of him now. Closing his eyes, he resignedly put his other arm around Toki, surrendering himself into the hug.
Another moment of silence passed, this time less uncomfortable, moreso peaceful. Skwisgaar took a deep breath. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a real, proper hug like this. Reflexively, eyes still closed, he moved to gently pet Toki’s hair; a vague thought of “that’s gay” passed dimly through his mind, but it did nothing to deter him this time. He’s just like a big, soft, silky cat, Skwisgaar thought to himself, and there’s nothing gay about petting cats.
He felt his muscles loosen up. He felt his joints soften. He felt Toki relax on top of him too. He felt his warm and soft breath against the hairs on his neck. He felt the softness of the sheets of his bed. Slowly, he drifted away.
Time slipped away. He didn’t know for how long. Gradually opening his eyes, Skwisgaar found that nothing had changed; the light from the window was a bit dimmer, but Toki was still in the same position, contentedly asleep. Skwisgaar hated that he had to do this, but his limbs had begun to stiffen under the pressure, and so he shifted very slowly so as to not disturb his friend.
Unfortunately, he was not successful. Toki hummed, tilting his head slightly, then opening his eyes as well. “You’s awakes?” he asked sleepily.
“Yes, but you can goes backs to sleeps if you wants.” Skwisgaar replied, instinctively resuming his petting of Toki’s hair to soothe him.
“Mm, no, it’s okays, that was a good nap. I don’t wants to sleeps too much, then I can’t sleeps at nights.” Toki said wisely, gently shaking himself awake. Skwisgaar couldn’t help but feel sorry to have him leave. What? Why did he feel that?
Toki sat up, straightening his legs around Skwisgaar. “Thanks for the cuddles, Skwisgaar. Yous bigger and warmers than my Deaddy Bear. We should does this agains!” he said, beaming, as though there was nothing weird about this at all. “Oh, theres you are, Deaddy Bear!” He leaned over to pick up his stuffed bear which had fallen beside Skwisgaar’s pillow.
Skwisgaar had seen it all at this point. Toki being nice, cuddling in bed together, and even falling asleep. But still, in his mind, nothing could have prepared him for the sudden kiss Toki gave him as he swooped down to grab his bear. A giant, comically exaggerated cartoon kiss with a “mwah!” sound effect. The kind of kiss that is so spur of the moment, so innocent, the kind of kiss Skwisgaar wasn’t sure he had experienced before.
“Goodbyes!” Toki bounded off and out of the room before he could shake off the stun. Sitting up again in bed, head buzzing like before but with only one thought now, Skwisgaar wasn’t sure he would get any sleep at all for the rest of the day.