Chapter Text
Late night after Friends and Family
The Bear BOH, Chicago, IL
Syd entered the kitchen quietly from the door that led outside, wiping her dry lips with the back of one shaking hand. They had actually pulled off the night, even with Carmy stuck in the walk-in. She pulled her eyes shut as she felt a low swooping sensation in her stomach as the memory of her coming perilously close to giving up forced its way into her mind. She never thought she’d be so thankful to Richie. He completely saved her ass, running expo like a pro. She had wanted to thank him profusely at the end of the night, but he was nowhere to be found as Terry the fridge guy was breaking Carmy out of the walk-in. Her fingers had begun to haltingly compose a text to Richie to see where the fuck he was, but she figured that she’d save this big conversation for another day. Her gratitude was too big for WhatsApp and that’s just how it was. Plus, what in the actual hell was making her phone so greasy? Olive oil?
Richie unexpectedly saving the day… what the fuck was that, anyway? A smile pushed up the corners of her mouth until she felt weird. It was funny how much she needed to remember that sometimes people can still surprise you in the best ways. She frowned, as a cousin of that thought entered her mind. People can also let you the fuck down.
Carmy was her partner, and she valued his experience and opinion above almost everything. But he really lost himself. It wasn’t so much that he broke his promise to her that he wouldn’t let her drown. It was more that he just totally broke down. She’d never known somebody who could be both so brilliant and yet so unable to cope when things got tough. Everyone had tried to talk him out of his anxiety spiral, but nothing anyone said had done any good in the end. The only person who could help Carmy was Carmy, and that sure as shit didn’t happen.
She had heard fragments of things he had said to Tina from inside freezer, but she had been too in the zone to register much of anything. She didn’t find out the whole story until later. After the last tickets of the night came through and the stress level of the kitchen started to even out, she realized that until that moment she had forgotten all about Carmy. That’s the thing about working at such a high level: it’s good and bad to focus so completely on something that you totally forget any and everything else.
The moment she remembered about Carmy, she stopped checking up on everyone and walked back towards the walk-in. The familiar scent of clean, hot dishes and the lingering odor of hot oil hit her as she shuffled tiredly away. She saw Nat worriedly gazing at the metal door of the walk-in with bated breath. Nat must have felt Syd watching her and whispered, “I keep wondering why this is taking so long! Pete keeps circling the block in the car waiting for me. I just want to see if Carmy’s ok, but every time I try to talk to him through the door he won’t say anything. He’s being such a little bitch right now!” She sounded equal parts worried and disgruntled, like always. Syd smiled and cracked a yawn. “You go ahead, Nat. I promise I’ll check up on Carmy and get him home safe. You and Pete head home and rest up. You were amazing tonight, but you look a little bit like…,”her face froze as she saw Natalie’s raised eyebrows. ”Yeah. Um, what I actually meant to say was that I’ve like, got this. Yeah,” she fumbled awkwardly.
Nat just nodded, not even hearing that Syd had basically tiptoed really close to telling her that she looked like hammered shit. “Thanks, Syd. I don’t know what any of us would do without you. Text me if you need anything or if I should come back, ok? And let me know what he says, yeah? And this is a big ask, but… can you see if you can get him to eat something?” Nat rubbed her eyes, causing her mascara to smear ever so slightly. Syd wondered what her own mascara was doing at that moment.
“And oh yeah,” Nat spit out with venom, “It would also be great if you could calm him the fuck down and get him to stop getting in his own freaking way all the time.” She did have the decency to grimace in apology after that last bit. Syd cocked her head to the side, already feeling defeated.
“Should I be like, taking notes, Nat? Or is that all?” Nat let out a harsh laugh and squeezed Syd’s shoulder, practically racing out the door. ‘Damn,’ thought Sydney, ‘She’s leaving before I can change my damn mind.’
Syd leaned her back against the wall, and slowly sank to the floor to wait for Carmy to get out. She waited a few minutes longer before Terry finished with the door. Before he opened the door, he said, “Hey, no offense, Syd… but can I get paid before I open this door? Carm has been saying some weird shit and I just want to get the hell out of here.”
Syd shook her head distractedly and reminded him just to bill them. She was not going to call Nat back in right now to ask what the new process for paying contractors was. And honestly, she wasn’t dying to know how much money it was going to set them back to have this emergency work done. Terry just shrugged, his gesture seeming to mean that he didn’t trust her promises but that he was too tired to care. “Thanks, Terry,” Syd called out as he trudged towards the exit.
‘Well, shit’ , Syd thought. Terry didn’t even open the door all the way. She hoped she could. The door swung cleanly on its hinges until it was all the way open. She stepped in, the cool air a welcome change from the warm kitchen. Carmy was just sitting there staring at the floor, seemingly unaware that he was free. With his arms wrapped around himself, he had his head down in between his knees. Syd let herself sink down next to him. She cautiously put an arm around him, her warm hand grasping his shoulder. The cold of his shoulder reached up and bit her.
He tensed up immediately, but relaxed a bit when he realized it was her arm and not someone else’s. He leaned into her. She swore she could feel his nose pressed into her shoulder. It was embarrassing how much this thrilled her, even after how this train wreck of a night had gone.
“Syd,” he whispered hoarsely, “I’m so sorry, Chef. I’m so, so sorry.” He either didn’t have the energy or the will to look at her. “I broke my promise to you already.” He seemed so bereft, so adrift, that Syd couldn’t even be mad at that moment. She pushed it down, and reached inside herself for the good things.
“Carmy,” she said softly, “Let’s get you out of here and then talk about it.” She kept her arm around his freezing shoulder, but got onto her knees so she could leverage her weight to help him stand up. She thought he would put up more of a fight, but he got up willingly enough. She dragged him over to his locker and helped him into his wool jacket. She physically changed him out of his Birkenstocks and into his shoes, like he was a toddler. She didn’t want to think too deeply about that comparison.
It was more than a bit worrying, the way he was accepting her help without question. She got her bag out and changed her own clothes and shoes, and then they walked out to his car. Well, Sydney walked. Carmy kind of shuffled in a random, rambling sort of way. He just stood there, so she told him she was driving him home. He didn’t argue. It kind of nagged at her that he didn’t protest.
The atmosphere in the car was tense and quiet as soon as the doors shut. Syd turned on the radio to fill the silence. She was thankful that at least they weren’t listening to any of his fucking depressing music. Or had it been Mikey’s? Did Carmy even have his own taste in music? Did he even allow himself the privilege of deciding anything for himself? Or did he inherit sleeves of scratched cd’s, ten years removed from his own adolescence?
She kept sneaking sidelong glances at him as she drove to his place, but he wasn’t giving anything away. He just stared straight ahead. She kept hoping she could think of something to say, but her brain was maxed out. Also, she was pretty sure there was trash or something under the gas pedal, and she needed to focus on not killing them in a fiery car crash. Carmy started mumbling something as they approached his neighborhood, apparently to himself. Syd sighed and eventually found parking underneath a tree by his building.
Even later that night
Carmy’s apartment
The two of them slowly walked up many, many stairs to his apartment. She twisted the key in the lock and opened his door. They both stumbled inside. Carmy waved at her as he slowly slurred, “Thanks, Syd. Go home and get some sleep. You killed it tonight.” She gave him a half smile and nodded. But as she started to turn around and head for the door, something didn’t quite feel right.
She whipped her head back around and caught Carmy shivering. It was now apparent to her that he had been waiting to fall apart until after she left. “Carm, what the fuck? Why didn’t you tell me you were so cold? We had the heat on high the whole way here,” Syd huffed, losing what little patience she had left. “We could have saved time going to the ER!”
At that thought, Carmy really looked at her. And he looked scared. “Syd, please,” he whispered, “No doctors, ok? I just can’t. I’m so tired and those places freak me the fuck out.”
“All right, Carm, but I can’t leave you alone and we’ve got to get you warm.” He just looked at her, utterly spent and waiting on her next move. “Shit,” she thought. Maybe he had mild hypothermia? Was there such a thing? Could a person be just a little bit frozen? She googled it and it was a thing. She also googled if spiraling made hypothermia worse, but the only thing that Google advised against was hot baths. Not super helpful, but good to know?
She was torn between calling an ambulance and trying to fix him herself. If she was being honest, she didn’t have the energy to convince Carmy to willingly leave in an ambulance. And she certainly didn’t have the strength right now to get him down those stairs on her own. She sighed and decided to put the kettle on. That shit worked for British people, right? His penchant for expensive things didn’t extend to his kettle, unfortunately. His depressing apartment wasn’t helping matters, either.
“OK, Carm, let’s get you into something warmer,” she said dully. He just stood there, so she shuffled into his bedroom. Pulling open drawers that barely slid open, she found some sweatpants that somehow looked like normal sweatpants but like an artisan had handcrafted them in a long-forgotten Italian village. As she ran her hands across the expensive fabric, she wondered where he shopped. And when did he shop? Did he secretly have a massive online shopping addiction, or did he spend every day off buying expensive as fuck sweatpants and obscure white t-shirts? After grabbing the sweatpants, she found a thick, long-sleeved tee. She also grabbed some boxers and thick socks.
As she padded back to Carmen, she saw that he was shivering more than ever. “Arms up, dude,” she said sternly. He put them up without a fight, although they shook slightly. She pulled up his shirt, catching her knuckles on his chest as she did. His skin felt like ice. ‘Shit,’ she thought. New clothes weren’t going to be enough. She slid the new shirt over his head anyway, and helped him pull his arms through the sleeves.
She tried not to stare at his body (much) while he was in this vulnerable state, but it was an exercise in self control. And she did have eyes, so she got an eyeful before she could help herself. She wasn’t made of stone; his muscles were on full display less than a couple of centimeters away from her, after all. If she had had more time, she’d have taken mental inventory of a few new-to-her tattoos. She wanted to run her hands across them. Her face felt hot all of a sudden and she shook her head to stay on task.
He managed to get his shit together for a second and changed his pants and boxers in his bathroom with the door (halfway?) closed. He was taking too long, so she pushed the door open and pulled him back out. She gave him a long look, sighing. She didn’t like what she saw. A wax version of a person stood in front of her, without substance or color. Just then the tea kettle boiled. Sydney took some dusty mugs down from his cabinet and some even dustier tea bags, making tea for them both. As she stirred in some crusty honey she’d found hiding in a cupboard, she felt the urge to cry. His pantry was almost bare. His apartment was so sad. The saddest part to her, a solitary bottle of ibuprofen just sitting haphazardly, made this place feel transient.
She dragged Carmy to sit down on the edge of his bed, and handed him the scalding hot cup of tea. He looked at it, then at her, and then back at the tea again. “Syd,” he trailed off. “I’m fucking cold.” Syd looked up at the ceiling. Why did this shit always happen to her? How did she find herself in these situations? She felt like she was in a really random episode of Greys Anatomy. This scenario had played out a thousand times on tv, she mused.
She gestured to Carmy to take off his shirt. “It’s either that or we go to the hospital,” she warned, as he looked at her in disbelief. “We have to get you warmed up somehow, and I’m afraid to put you in the shower when you’re this cold. If you fall and pass out, I don’t think I can pick you back up. I know we’re the same height, but fuck, dude, I don’t bench press 180!” He let her come closer and take his shirt off. The collar got stuck on his nose for a second, and Syd heard a high laugh escape from her mouth. “Cool, super cool,” Syd thought. “You are so chill.”
She gently pushed Carmy down onto his pillow and then laid down beside him. She pulled the covers over them both, and wrapped her arms gently around his body. His eyes were tightly shut, and his shivering shook them both. “Syd… I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this,” he whispered through chattering teeth.
“Hey,” Syd whispered excitedly, “you said two whole sentences! That’s more than you’ve said in the last hour!” Her grin faded as she saw the miserable look etched on Carmy’s face. His body felt tense, like he would bolt if he could. Did he really hate this so much, or was he simply ashamed to be so weak in front of her?
“Hey, Carm, it’s just me. You can relax, let’s just... you know? Get you warm, ok? You’re totally fine. We’re just cuddling, right? Nothing scary is happening. It’s just me.” But then a sudden realization hit her. ' Oh fuck,' she thought, cringing inwardly. He had a girlfriend. Who was an ER doctor. Of course he’d be tense. “Carm, should I call Claire? I’m sure you’d much rather her do this, right? Especially since she’s a… fuck… I don’t know? Actual doctor who knows what she’s doing? I can’t believe I’m such an idiot! I’m so sorry!”
But Carmy just shook his head, pressing it into her shoulder. He was mumbling, but his voice sounded much clearer than it had just a little while ago. “So Claire kind of heard me say some shit while I was locked in the walk-in. Yeah, I thought I was talking to Tina, but I guess Tina left? And I’m paraphrasing but I am pretty sure I told her she wasn’t worth all of this time? Pretty sure we’re broken up. So. Yeah. Please don’t fucking call her, Syd.” Carmy dragged his hands through his hair, which at this point made little to no difference. At the moment, it resembled a bird’s nest after a tornado.
Syd didn’t know what to say, because she had never known how to feel about Claire in the first place. Claire was fine? Perfect on paper, but not for Carmy. She absolutely wasn’t jealous of her, and certainly didn’t want to roll her eyes any time the name was mentioned.
“Syd?” It was obvious that Carmy had asked her a question.
“Sorry,” Syd replied, “Are you okay? Uh.. fuck, you’ve had a bad night. I guess you were under a lot of pressure, though? If you say you’re sorry and you didn’t mean it, I’m sure she’ll understand.” Syd believed this to be true while wanting it not to be true at the same time.
Carmy’s nose felt like ice against where it was wedged against her shoulder. “Look, I feel bad about how I said it, but I’m also relieved.” She could feel him smile slightly, the first bit of life she’d seen from him since the walk-in had been cut open. “I always really liked her, you know? And when we started hanging out, it was cool. But she got to see me when I was ok. I don’t think she ever saw that side of me, where I get angry or anxious or throw up or just guzzle Tums. For a while I thought it was fine. But it’s not.”
“And she reminds me of being a little kid. And like of how I was in high school. But not of who I’m trying to be. And that’s not her fault, I know. But I can’t be with her.” He sighed. “I’m not explaining it well at all, I know. But I’m glad it’s you here and not anyone else. I don’t think I could take it.”
Sydney nodded, understanding immediately. “I get it,” she murmured softly. She looked down, and saw that her hand was lightly rubbing his back. His very naked, very muscular back. She felt the heat radiate from her cheeks, down through her arms and legs, and into the sheets. She had never been so thankful for the fact that Carmy was still out of it. As her hands slowly rubbed up and down, she felt Carmy’s muscles relax bit by bit. He even felt a bit warmer now. Still fucking cold, but she didn’t think he needed the hospital anymore. He felt like he’d just come in from playing in the snow. The mental image of Carmy as a boy, coming inside from building a snowman, appeared in her mind’s eye. She had to bite down a smile.
“What?” whispered Carmy softly. “What made you smile just now? Where did you go?”
Syd just shook her head. “It’s too embarrassing,” she admitted.
“I’m sure it’s more fucking embarrassing than how my night went down,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. She chuckled, and was rewarded with a rare lopsided smile in return.
“I was just thinking that now you don’t feel like ice anymore, and then I thought that now you feel like you’re just cold from playing outside. Like kids do after it snows.” Carmy pulled back to look at her.
“Do you think we’d have been friends if we’d known each other back then?” he asked quietly, his eyes on hers.
“I don’t know,” answered Syd truthfully, staring up at the ceiling. She wanted to avoid his eyes, but chose to answer his question. “I was a major nerd. And I was also a lot younger than you. Four years was a big difference back then. That’s like ten years in kid years. Maybe even twenty.” She swallowed.
Carmy continued to stare at her. “Four years isn’t much anymore, though,” he breathed.
‘Fuck,’ thought Sydney desperately. ‘Don’t look at me like that with those eyes.'
He scrunched up his blue eyes. “What do you mean?” He asked.
“Oh, fuck. Did I say that out loud?” She laughed nervously. She closed her eyes tightly, berating herself for the slip.
“Syd,” he stared at her as he shifted a bit closer to her. “What do you mean?” he repeated softly. There was no judgment in his eyes. He just wanted to understand.
“Jesus Christ, Carmy, you have to know that your blue eyes are enough to stop traffic. People in small villages would probably have a parade to celebrate that shit.” She shut her eyes tight and waited him out. She slowly opened one eye. Yep, still staring at her. He was smiling at her sadly.
“I don’t think anyone is gonna throw a parade for me any time soon, “he replied. “But they definitely would for you.” She wrinkled up her face as though she had swallowed a mouthful of vinegar. “Syd, you’re worse at taking a compliment than I am, fuck. You don’t see it, but you’re everything. Everyone loves you, you’re incredibly talented, and you- yeah, you’re just everything,” he sighed. “I don’t deserve you,” he said as he pushed a stray braid away from her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Syd,” he says again.
Syd suddenly couldn’t think of anything to say, and her mouth was dry. As Carmy gazed into her eyes, she felt herself on the edge of something, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to go over. Trying to hang onto some semblance of normalcy, she squeezed his shoulder in reply.
Carmy, whose arms had until now been resting at his sides, reached up to wrap an arm around her waist. She felt her skin warm at his touch. Was she freaking out? Was she breathing weird? Could he tell? Oh God. He seemed so calm, and she was losing her mind. Somehow not noticing her awkwardness, Carmy moved closer. She could feel his soft curls touching her cheek. He even smelled? Cold, somehow?
“Syd? This is nice,” he whispered, stroking her back. She felt sparks where his hand touched her. She had to fight to control her breathing. She tried not to pant, not to whine. Her body hummed with want. She had to pull herself back when she noticed that she had pressed herself firmly against his body. The urge to run her hands all over his abs was almost more than she could manage. When he groaned quietly, she willfully ignored the thrill of pleasure and approval that coursed through her.
“Carmy, why does your breath smell like spices?” Sydney couldn’t help but let out a giggle. Carmy should smell like cigarettes and soap, and she found the difference disconcerting.
“I was hitting the walk-in door, you know?” Carmy said softly, “And I accidentally knocked over a container of cloves. Luckily it was almost empty, but I got a fucking mouthful. It was intense.” He was staring at her again, that cursed hand of his now pulling softly at her waist.
“I like cloves,” Syd said stupidly. Her cheeks started burning, and she groaned. “Don’t listen to me,” she murmured. “I’m fucking delirious.” She chanced another look at Carmy. Yep, still staring. He shifted slightly to be closer to her. His legs pressed against hers. Was he rubbing against her in an attempt to get warm, or…?
“Syd,” he said quietly. “Look at me.” She forced herself to meet his gaze. She caught him looking at her mouth. He quickly glanced up and had the decency to apologize with a look. He slowly took his hand off her waist and moved it to rest against her cheek, feeling her soft skin. He slowly stroked her cheekbone, his eyes shifting from left to right. Syd forgot to breathe. She stared at the cupid’s bow of his lip and focused on not doing anything stupid.
Wrapping an arm around her waist, Carmy sighed, pulling her closer. Syd felt a deep ache, as she felt her body already beginning to respond to his bid for closeness. “Do you- can I-“ his words were cut off as Sydney pressed a hand to Carmy’s lips. She did it to stop whatever he wanted to ask. She wasn’t ready.
He shifted his body so he could tenderly wrap his other hand around her wrist while kissing the inside of her palm. His eyes were doing things to her brain. She was afraid that if she didn’t do something, she would blink and be naked. Galvanized into action, she suddenly sat straight up in his bed, causing his arms to fall away from her.
“Carmy,” Syd breathed, almost panting. “I.. I just can’t. Shouldn’t. I don’t know how to do this. After everything tonight- and Claire- and you probably had hypothermia just now- my brain is fried.” Carmy, who had somehow managed to grab hold of her hand again, squeezed it in understanding.
“Syd, I get it. I’m sorry. I should not have put you in this position tonight. My timing is shit.”
Syd smiled sadly. “But Carmy? I really liked this. You know, except for the part where I had to basically carry you up the stairs. And the whole me worrying about you having hypothermia part. So ok now that I’m hearing myself a lot of it sucked? But also I got to see at least 17 tattoos I’ve never seen before, and I’m also not saying no, ok? I just think we need some time.”
She got up then to stop vomiting out words. Carmy rolled out of bed too, swaying slightly as he stood. He put his arms around her in a tight hug. She leaned her body into him for a second, forgetting everything she’d just said. She felt the muscles of his chest press against her own. She inhaled, savoring the feeling of being in his arms. After five seconds, she forced herself to take a small step back.
“Text me when you’re home safe?” he asked, taking both of her hands into his own. He rubbed slow circles into her knuckles. His eyes smoldered. Syd was pretty sure she had never smoldered at anyone.
“Yeah,” Sydney said unevenly. She somehow turned around and walked to the door without passing out. As she closed the door, she saw him, still staring at her. And “Jesus Christ, fuck me,” she thought. “Those abs. Will I see those abs again?”
As she walked towards the train, she looked at her phone and saw several messages and missed calls from Nat, each one more frantic than the last. She called her immediately, explaining that she had stayed with Carmy until he warmed up. She mentioned making the tea and helping him change his clothes, but she left out the rest. Natalie thanked her profusely before hanging up. Eyebrows raised, Syd threw her hands up as she walked. Being a human was so confusing sometimes.