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Since their return to Konoha nine months earlier, Sasuke never slept long. He frequently woke up in the middle of the night without going back to sleep. However, unlike before, it wasn't nightmares that woke him up. No, it was the fear of waking up alone in their big bed. Sasuke would open his eyes and the first thing he would feel was a sense of dread. He would feel his loneliness and the feeling of emptiness that hung in the air.
Fortunately, when he awoke, Naruto's warm, comforting presence was always with him. Naruto lay on his side, one arm across Sasuke's chest, one leg over his. His calm breath caressed his neck, bringing peace after anxiety consumed him briefly. Sasuke felt the warmth of Naruto's body, and his heart was filled with love and joy.
Naruto was still there. But Sasuke still feared the day when the handsome blonde would open his eyes and realize he'd been wrong to stay with him. That he didn't deserve his love. And that gray cloud continued to hang over his head. He sighed, shaking his head slightly, and letting his mind wander back to the happy memories that had led him to this bed, shared with the most beloved person in his life. He smiled, remembering the laughs and smiles they'd shared, the moments of joy that had come so easily between them.
Flashback
Sasuke was finally ready to leave Konoha; after his imprisonment, he needed to rebuild his life. He needed to cleanse his soul, redeem his faults, and try to find a way to be at peace with himself. He decided to go on a journey to find the answers he was looking for. He was determined to find the truth and make amends for his mistakes. Sasuke was determined to find himself.
Once at the gate, he was not surprised to see Sakura and Kakashi. However, what hurt him was Naruto's absence. His best friend visited him every day during his imprisonment. They talked a lot. Naruto had - as always - talked a great deal, but Sasuke had noticed that he only talked about superficial matters with him. It was as if Naruto didn't really want to discuss his personal plans with him. Sasuke had been hurt by this attitude, but hadn't said anything - after all, he couldn't blame him. Sasuke felt betrayed, but understood that Naruto was trying to protect himself. He knew Naruto was doing what he thought was best for himself. In the end, Sasuke had to accept that Naruto had his own reasons for not discussing his plans.
Kakashi had smiled at him before wishing him a safe journey. Sakura had - again - tried to convince him to let her accompany him. Sasuke refused, as politely as he could, and turned away to leave.
"Sasuke!!!"
Naruto's cry had taken him by surprise, and he had made a tremendous effort not to turn towards him. Instead, he walked on.
"Sasuke!"
He heard Naruto's footsteps running towards him, and his heart jolted in his chest, which he ignored.
Finally, the right hand - the bandaged one - came down hard on his shoulder, preventing him from moving forward.
"Hey! Are you deaf or what?"
Naruto turned him around. Sasuke expected his friend's angry face but instead, he smiled at him.
"You didn't think you'd be going away on your own, did you?"
And so it was that Naruto invited himself on his journey of redemption. Sasuke hadn't had the courage - or the will - to demand his solitude. And so they traveled together for almost two years. Sasuke was surprised by how much Naruto had changed. He was calmer, more composed and discreet. He seemed almost hesitant at times with Sasuke, and this troubled him. Sasuke's journey was a difficult one, but Naruto's companionship provided him with the support he needed to make it through. Naruto was a true friend, and Sasuke was grateful for his kindness.
Naruto had a disconcerting ability to approach people they came across on their travels. In fact, he helped them find shelter and food a staggering number of times. Although Sasuke naturally noticed the suspicious looks these same people gave him, he didn't care. Naruto's presence made everything acceptable and manageable. With the blonde by his side, Sasuke realized he could accept just about anything. Naruto's optimistic attitude was contagious and it often made Sasuke lighten up. He realized Naruto's presence was invaluable and he wouldn't take it for granted.
Every time he'd seen Naruto without a shirt, his gaze had sought out the scars that should have been on his chest. Traces of the wounds Sasuke had inflicted on Naruto's body. However, Kyûbi's presence erased the stigmata he affixed. It was a blessing and a curse. Sasuke should be punished daily for observing the scars that should mark Naruto's beautiful body. Naruto deserved to have his scars acknowledged and remembered. Sasuke should have been punished for his misdeeds. Instead, Kyûbi had protected Naruto, concealing the evidence of Sasuke's cruelty.
But because of the fox, he could only remember his actions towards Naruto. When his blonde friend turned to him, Sasuke looked away. He didn't want Naruto to guess at his discomfort. Because he knew Naruto, he'd want to assure him that all this was in the past, and that he'd forgiven him long ago. Sasuke didn't want Naruto to know how much he was still affected by what had happened.
The problem was that he hadn't forgiven himself for trying to kill Naruto, on more than one occasion. He'd also tried to take over his friend, Killer Bee, and Naruto forgave him. This bothered Sasuke; his friend shouldn't have forgiven him so easily. Not after all the questionable things he'd done. Sasuke thought he deserved to be punished for what he'd done. He felt like he had to prove himself to Naruto, to show he was worthy of their friendship. He was determined to make up for his past mistakes.
When he wanted to discuss it with Naruto, the blond brushed aside his concerns. When Sasuke pushed further, he wanted to understand Naruto. He needed to understand this generosity that seemed out of place. Naruto grasped his shoulders and planted his vibrant gaze on him.
"There's no specific reason, Sasuke. I did it because that's how I feel. You're my best friend."
Sasuke had known at that moment that he wouldn't get another answer, and dropped the subject. But that didn't mean he could forget, or even forgive himself.
Six months after their departure, on a rainy evening, Naruto had been busy surveying the surroundings before returning to the tent. He was soaking wet when he opened the panel and slipped inside. Sasuke watched him curiously. Something different in Naruto's eyes. Naruto's face was unreadable as he sat still, seemingly lost in thought. Sasuke approached him, trying to read his face but Naruto remained silent. Sasuke finally gave up and sat down next to him, waiting for Naruto to speak.
Finally, Naruto turned to him and his blue eyes watched him for a moment. Then he leaned his head towards him, and kissed him gently, hesitantly. Sasuke's heart raced as Naruto pulled away.
Sasuke felt his brain stop working and didn't respond to the kiss. He couldn't believe Naruto kissed him...Sasuke had often dreamed of it, but never believed Naruto wanted the same thing.
Sasuke realized he'd waited too long to react when Naruto stepped back, mumbling an apology, his face red with embarrassment. He didn't let Naruto retreat far, reaching out and grabbing the blonde's sweater. He drew him close and kissed him back. Naruto's eyes widened, but he quickly relaxed and melted into the embrace. When Sasuke broke the kiss, Naruto's lips remained parted, and he smiled. Sasuke's heart melted and he felt happier than ever before.
Their kisses were peppered with bursts of joy, laughter and intensity. Naruto's warm, calloused hands roamed all over his body, and Sasuke felt like he was dreaming. Naruto discovered every inch of skin within his reach, and removed the clothes that prevented him from touching what he wanted. Sasuke's body trembled with pleasure as Naruto's lips explored every inch of his skin. He moaned out loud and gasped as Naruto's hands brushed over sensitive areas. Naruto's lips and hands sent Sasuke into a state of ecstasy.
Naruto modeled a new version of Sasuke with his hands, lips and all. Sasuke was powerless - not that he wanted to be - before the deconstruction of his being. Naruto brought him to bliss, to the seventh heaven, while accompanying him to nirvana. Naruto's touch was gentle and comforting, and Sasuke felt safe in his embrace. He was lost in the moment, feeling nothing but Naruto's love.
Sasuke had never imagined the range of emotions Naruto had taken him through during their first moment of intimacy. But it would be exactly the same with each new union between them. Naruto worshiped his body, soul and heart. Sasuke tried to do the same, and sometimes he couldn't.
But when his ebony gaze landed on those bluish eyes, his breath caught up in his throat. Naruto looked at him with such emotion, such love, that any doubts Sasuke had disappeared...at least temporarily. Sasuke felt his heart swell with emotions he had never felt before. He couldn't help himself as he leaned in and kissed Naruto, his heart racing as he felt Naruto's lips on his. He never wanted this moment to end.
The following months continued on like this. Sasuke thought he was living in an alternate reality, so unreal did it all seem. But he continued to follow the road, Naruto at his side, illuminating the passage of time. Regardless of the weather, the type of road or the people he met.
After almost two years on the road, Sasuke suggested Naruto return to Konoha. He figured the blonde must miss Konoha and his friends. But Naruto seemed surprised by his request, hesitating for a moment before asking if he was sure of his choice. Sasuke nodded, knowing Naruto wanted to see his village and friends again. He sacrificed enough for him.
And so, less than a month later, they were back in Konoha. And Sasuke was anxious, convinced that once back in his usual environment, Naruto would change his mind.
As they passed through the village gates, Sasuke tried to release Naruto's hand, but the blonde tightened his grip on it. A small glimmer of hope remained in his heart, but he didn't try to make it grow.
They settled into Naruto's apartment, and in the days that followed his friend was often away. Sasuke didn't want to follow him, preferring to stay alone in Naruto's living room than wander around Konoha. Although he didn't know what Naruto was up to, Sasuke mentally prepared himself for the next step. As much as he loved being with Naruto, the very thought of settling within the walls of Konoha made him want to puke. He wanted to be away from all the memories and reminders of his past.
And he knew Naruto would understand. Sasuke decided to wait until Naruto returned before making any decisions.
Five days after their arrival, Naruto insisted that Sasuke follow him, and Sasuke had no choice but to obey. To his surprise, his lover led him towards the forest, and he thought Naruto might be in the mood for a friendly fight.
But his confusion only increased as they pushed their way through the forest. No matter how many questions he asked Naruto, he never got an answer, just a smile. Sasuke shrugged his shoulders and followed the handsome blonde in silence.
After about fifteen minutes, they came to a clearing, and in the middle of it was a wooden farmhouse.
Naruto let go of his hand before running his own down the back of his neck. His cheeks were rosy, and he moved nervously in place.
"Do you like it?"
Naruto finally broke the silence.
Sasuke stared at the wooden building with his mouth half-opened, unable to understand what was going on. Whose house was it?
"What's this?"
That was all he could say. Too stunned to do anything else.
Naruto burst out laughing as he leaned over to kiss him before answering.
"Well, this is our house."
Sasuke turned his gaze from the house to his lover, who watched him with shining eyes. He raised his hand and placed it on Naruto's soft cheek. He was completely stunned. He couldn't believe what his lover had done.
"Our home?"
'Our'...for him and for Naruto? His handsome blonde didn't want to live in the city? He didn't want to keep his apartment?
"Yes. I know you didn't want to live within the walls of Konoha, and I want to live with you."
Naruto rested his forehead on Sasuke's before wrapping his arms around him.
"I love you so much."
Sasuke still couldn't believe Naruto was willing to live here with him.
"Oh."
There was nothing more he could say, and Naruto burst out laughing before releasing him and taking one of his hands on his own. Then Naruto walked quickly towards the house, Sasuke following behind him with a smile. Naruto's happiness was contagious.
They spent the rest of the day planning how they would decorate the interior of their home. In addition, they planned the future garden Sasuke wished to have. Naruto insisted on spending the night here, and Sasuke couldn't refuse.
End of flashback.
Naruto moved gently between his arms, and Sasuke opened his eyes slightly. Even in the half-light of their bedroom, he could see his lover's pleasant features. He was happy, at peace in these moments between night and day. Naruto's arm resting on his chest tightened on him as if Naruto were checking - even in his sleep - that he was still there. Sasuke couldn't help but smile. He was content just to be with Naruto, and the warmth of their embrace was comforting.
Sasuke had an epiphany at this thought.
Naruto had always slept like this with him, during their journey, and since their return. He 'held on' to him, as if he feared he would disappear during the night.
Sasuke smiled sadly.
He wasn't alone in his fear of losing the other after all. Naruto was just as afraid of him disappearing as he was, and the blonde's fear was even more logical. After all, Sasuke abandoned him before. While all Naruto did was run after him. Sasuke's betrayal hurt Naruto deeply, and he was still struggling with it. He was afraid that Sasuke would leave again, and he couldn't bear the thought of having to go through that pain a second time. Sasuke finally realized it.
Suddenly, all the doubts Sasuke had carried with him for years and months disappeared. He leaned towards Naruto's tender, warm lips and planted a kiss. Naruto mumbled something he didn't understand, but he didn't mind.
Sasuke leaned back against the pillows, at peace. He thought himself foolish for being a genius. It had taken him all this time to realize that Naruto loved him just as much as he loved him. Both feared above all else to lose the other.
"Idiot."
Sasuke said to himself in a low voice. This time, when he closed his eyes, he knew he would drift back to sleep. He would not wake up again fearing Naruto had changed his mind. Now he realized that watching Naruto was like looking at an oak tree, motionless as it rose from the earth, his earth. Naruto was the thing that had been there the longest. His roots were buried deep within him, the branches extending to his toes and fingers and wrapping around his heart. Even if something cut this tree down, these roots would remain within him. Naruto was not ephemeral. He was the only thing that wasn't.