Chapter Text
When I was a kid, I’d watch Winnie the Pooh with my sister and then she’d read me the book before I go to sleep. I couldn’t understand everything she was saying but all I could think about was the way Pooh and Christopher Robins treasure each other, and my sister told me it’s because they are friends.
Friends, the word seemed so magical to me and so when I first entered school, I promised myself that I’d get myself a ‘friend’ because I want to be like Pooh to his Christopher Robins… or was it the other way around? I’m pretty sure I want to be Pooh because I thought I was cute. I was four and my first ‘friend’ ever was bunny Doie! But bunny Doie is sometimes like Eeyore and he seems so strict even though I am older. But he is such a kind person in my eyes; when I tripped on a rock, he was the first to pull me up and yes, he scolded me and I cried a bit, but then he shared his lollies to me just so I would stop crying. Since then, Bunny Doie and I played at the sand and he’d often scare off the big kids who’d try to pick on me because I was small. I thought that I finally found a friend. But then bunny Doie said that their family is leaving… and I kind of felt like Pooh being left behind and I cried thinking I’d never see my first friend ever. Well, after crying so much, he gave me a huge plushie he called ‘tokkiknight’.
Tokkiknight. I really don’t get the name. And the plushie looks like Eeyore but is cuddly like Piglet. So, I thought to myself what name should I use? And I remember Pooh Bear, when he felt lonely that Christopher Robins was leaving. He would always wish for Christopher’s reappearance – reappearance. JAEHYUN.
From that day, Jaehyun and I became the bestest friends in the whole wide world. It didn’t matter that much if I don’t make a lot of friends at the school; I keep looking for the end of the day to go home and tell Jaehyun all sorts of stories; like the little grasshopper I’ve caught or how the neighbor’s humongous Labrador kept chasing me and only stopping when the big dog has already licked and slobbered over me. Sometimes we’d play hide and seek just like how Christopher Robins played with Pooh Bear and his friends. Well, I did promise Jaehyun I’d give him more playmates like Piglet, Tigger and Eeyore were to Pooh, and I did! I think my mom bought it two Christmases later. But Jaehyun is my favorite . He might not be my first first friend , but I do believe Jaehyun- ie is my most special one… because with him, I first thought I could conquer the world.
I was young… and naïve.
What can I say? Puberty hit like a truck, friends suck, school sucks, and there are bullies everywhere. Kids judge you for everything; if you look ordinary then you are ugly, but if you look better than most then you are a cocky sonofabitch. But I held it all in at first because Jaehyun was beside me. He let me cry to him as I tell him all the cruel pranks the boys have done to me. At first, they were just trying to trip me at every chance they got; in class, in the lunch room, during P.E. But then they started pouring a bucket water at my things. I tried to shrug it off, believe me when I said that I believed my mom and Winnie the Pooh when they said that there is always something good inside a person. And so, in my 2nd year in middle school I was able to get some more friends; I met Youngho and he was a very big kid but he gets teased a lot because he was too big. Youngho is a very gentle person though; I like it that he takes care of me a lot and sometimes he uses his big body to scare the other kids. I was still able to smile because I have a friend in Youngho. We even graduated middle school together.
But things went south in High School. Youngho had to leave because his parents went back to the States. In a way it made me feel depressed because he was someone whom I’ve leaned on for years. I was saddened, but since Jaehyun was with me I thought I’d be fine. Youngho and Jaehyun gave me strength to hang on… but I was oh so wrong. The moment Youngho left, the cruelty was back again, and it even escalated to almost plain torture. The way these boys almost always force me to buy things for them or how they stepped on my gym clothes for their sick brand of fun. Or how the girls spread nasty rumors about me; that the older woman I had helped carry some groceries was actually my ‘sugar mommy’ or that I already had a face surgery since young because there was no way I could look so good. But the most painful of them all? How they accused Youngho to be gay; that’s why he got close to me in the first place. They said Youngho is a perverted creep who got close to me to try to get into my pants. I cried to Jaehyun all these things and told him how much I wanted to fight back, but I can’t because I know it will only make matters worse. I did try to complain to the teachers but then one of them was the mother of one of those bullies, and she then accused me of cheating when I got a perfect score on a quiz because that was the first time; but then I got a perfect score because I studied like crazy for that test. There’s so many things that happened, but I still held on to my Jaehyun, because he’s the purest in my eyes. He was my home ; my comfort .
Until my father died.
Three days before I graduated, I, who had managed to swim through this hell hole called high school, who was actually ecstatic for the first time in a while because I will be able leave the misery and pain, I, who had studied so hard so that I can be accepted at the College of my choice…
… I felt my dream crumble in front of me.
As I sit in our designated room at the funeral hall, I felt my mother’s shaking body as she cried and cried and I decided to be the man of the house. That reality is, after all, bleak and dark and all we could do is survive; or at least keep on trying until our last breath. So I decided to survive and leave these senseless dreams behind.
There is no dream.
There is no fantasy.
Two months later, I was packing my things because I was off to go to college. I had wanted to stop, but my mom was adamant that I would finish my studies. I relented, but I decided to change my course. I wanted to pursue my dream of being a simple schoolteacher because my father and mother thought that I would be good at it. I was good with kids, and I used to volunteer in shelters. But that was just a dream; the reality is that if I have to survive and not let other people step on me like those bullies, I have to be big. And so I chose something that would make sure I get all those things. I have the face they say, so I must be good at marketing. I will study everything so they will invest in everything I sell. I have a plan now and I never realized I’ve become so detailed in these plans. And so I pack my stuff –
Jaehyun.
It was as if the stuffed toy was looking back at me with sadness. But that’s utter bullshit; toys don’t have emotions, let alone have a soul. But that face seemed to want to say something, and it’s irritating me. I picked it up all those past years come back to me… but we have to change.
“I’ve grown out of you.” I said to it bitterly as I stuffed it inside my cabinet; left to be forgotten.
== === ==
The first thing that happened to me was waking up.
I do not know of anything except that I suddenly can see . He was a boy with the most beautiful eyes; so big as if the universe is contained in those two orbs. For a while I do not understand anything, but slowly as the boy started talking to me, I learned of two things; that his name is Taeyong… and I am called Jaehyun .
Taeyong would talk to me about the most random things. About the little frog that landed on his palm though I do not know what a frog is and what a palm is. He would also tell me that I was once from a bunny Doie, again I do not know of a former master called bunny Doie, but he must’ve been a good person like Taeyong because Taeyong is a good person.
Sometimes Taeyong is also a mischief. He would oftentimes put my soft paws on his mouth and say that he’ll bite me because I’m cute. I do not understand the relevance of being cute and him ‘biting’ me though; I was more concerned that he’d leave some liquid from his mouth on my paws, and I had to be taken into that spinning cave a week later because his mom says I smell. But that did not stop Taeyong from biting me still; in my paws or in my ears or in my belly… he’d bite me a lot. And I get sent back to the spinning cave a lot that my color turned from bright purple to light purple.
But he won’t always bite me. Sometimes, he’d even jump on me that if I ever had the chance to file a complaint, I might’ve done so. But after jumping around, he’d suddenly tell a bunch of stuff, about how hard his homework is, or how this classmate gave him a gum. I do not understand most of what he’s saying, but because he tells me so much, I was able to understand another thing; he is colorful. He sparkles when he is happy, fidgety when nervous, flighty when excited, and teary when he’s sad. He makes me wonder if being a human is such a wonder.
I wanted to ask... but I am just Jaehyun .
He made me curious, and as I watched him fall asleep by my side, his quiet mumbling made me think that if I could have a wish, I wish I could ask him so many things that made me curious about him. And I wonder what it’s like to feel all those things he is feeling? Will I be like him too?
But somehow, something changed. His body began to change as his voice suddenly went deeper. He doesn’t look so excited when he’s talking to me like before. Oftentimes he’d just hug me and mumble that he’s tired. I do not understand the context of being tired; after all, I am still just Jaehyun . But then suddenly he looked happier. Taeyong said he made a new friend. Friend; he said that I am his bestest friend so maybe he found a less bestest friend. I don’t mind; as long as he is back to his cheerful self, I am okay with how many of us he will call his friend. It went for a while and one day, he suddenly burst into his room and hugged me tight. He said that finally, he’s in High School. He said he was excited because he and Youngho had been making plans on the things they would do…
…At least that was how it should be; but the following months proved to be opposite.
He suddenly went back to the quiet Taeyong before. Even more so, because he’s been coming home with bruises and scratches. He no longer tells me anything, he’d just cry and cry and it was the first time that I was able to feel; and it was his pain. I felt his pain and I wish I could cry by his side too. But after crying, I would see him wipe those tears furiously and he’d go on doing his homework. He doesn’t smile as much, but he looks more and more determined, he says it so himself. He is determined to finish High School and get on to college. Humans and the need to study is a curious thing for me because it seems they were born only to go to a ‘school’ and carry those heavy looking books (heavier than I am if I may add, because I am only a plump Jaehyun), and they write and write and read and read and even lose sleep over it… only to cry another day because it seems they fail a certain test. And then they call themselves an idiot for failing. But how is a ‘test’ a measure of idiocy? I really don’t understand these things because I am only Jaehyun. But watching him through my smiley little eyes while he’s slouched on his table working on his homework and seeing his tear-stricken face and bruised arms made me feel another thing; helplessness. I wish I can help him with anything that I can because Taeyong is such a good person. He still feels sad but he is still giving me the best hugs. He doesn’t say much but he always lets me give him warmth. I am a plump Jaehyun, so I no longer hate going inside that spinning cave (which I later learned is called a washing machine). And if he wants to bite me, it’s fine. If he wants to wrestle me to almost making my insides burst (his mom already had given me some patches), I’m also okay with it… just as long as I can stay by his side.
But one day, Taeyong did not come. And then there was screaming, there was crying. I saw his mom come but I could not ask why Taeyong wasn’t around. I only saw her tearfully get some clothes and she left. For days I didn’t saw my bestest friend. And that was the first time I learned of this feeling; I am worried. I am worried that Taeyong must’ve been in some rough situation. Did the bullies do something to him? Does he have more bruises on his cheeks like last time? Did they step on his gym clothes again? If only I can defend him against the bullies, then I will protect him at all cost. But I am just Jaehyun… a plump, almost worn out Jaehyun.
Taeyong came back a week later and it was the first time I felt this emotion and it was relief. I expected that he would hug me and seek my warmth like he used to, but the Taeyong that came inside was like a stranger. His face looked so different, like something left him. Then he threw out all the other plushies except for me of course, but I can see from the way he kept me so far away from him. He didn’t speak much and he only stared off into space as if deep in thought. Days passed and I begin to feel pain once more, but this time, I feel pain for myself, because I feel so lonely. I was his Jaehyun; his bestest friend, but day by day I see that he no longer needs me by his side.
And then the day came.
He was packing his things. I do not understand what moving out means, but maybe it will be just like the stories Taeyong told me about Pooh Bear and his adventures. Maybe Taeyong is off to go on an adventure of his own. I was hopeful he’d take me, because I am Jaehyun, right? Just like how Christopher Robins was with Pohh Bear, he would take me to his adventures, right?
Right?
…But he only packed two boxes, and I wasn’t in it.
The next day he sent out the boxes and then I heard him kiss his mom goodbye. Before he left though he took one look at me and I thought he really was taking me with him… but I was wrong. He gave a bitter smile before placing me at his old cabinet, ready to be forgotten. I was supposed to accept my fate… because I was just Jaehyun.
But how could I accept such fate when your eyes are filled with overwhelming sadness? That even with that small voice saying that you’ve outgrown me I could hear the pain of wanting to be warmed like I always do? How could Taeyong say that he’s outgrown me… when I can feel his heart the most?
As the cabinet door closed, I prayed to the gods Taeyong had prayed to in the past. I wished for a lot of things, but I desperately wish for this one right now: I wish I could be someone who can stay by Taeyong’s side, forever. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed… until my consciousness disappeared.
And it was dark again.