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“i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)”
--ee cummings
He couldn’t believe what she was asking.
He stopped listening to her and instead looked down at his son in his arms. His son. He never thought he would live to see the day when he became a father. What surprised him was how much joy the idea brought him. He watched William drool a small amount of spit through his lips; with each exhalation, he blew a tiny bubble. Mulder couldn’t stop gazing at William as he took deep, sleep-soaked breaths. He leaned over and kissed his son on his head.
“Mulder, are you even listening to a word I say?” said Scully, sounding exasperated.
Mulder sighed. “I heard you, Scully, and I’ll say it again. I’m not going anywhere. There is no way in hell I’m leaving you and William. You’re in terrible shape after a traumatic birth. Do you really think I’m going to take off and leave a sick woman to take care of a baby? I know I can be selfish, Scully, but that’s beyond the pale even for me.”
Scully dragged her hand though her unwashed messy hair. She closed her eyes and took what Mulder called her “lord give me strength to deal with this idiot” deep breath.
“I’ll be fine, Mulder. I have my mother to help out. But I’m not so sure you are going to be fine. These human replacements, these supersoldiers, for whatever reason, have it out for you. It’s dangerous for you to be in DC. And keep in mind, Mulder, if they come for you here, they will probably kill William and me in the process.”
“Don’t say that, Scully.”
“I’m being realistic. Mulder, I know it’s horrible to tear you away from your son. Do you think I want you to leave? I don’t like having you out of my sight. But I just can’t handle it if you died again. I was left hanging onto my sanity by a very tenuous thread the first time. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t.” She closed her eyes and Mulder could tell she was fighting back tears.
“If you think I need to get gone, Scully, why won’t you come with me?”
Scully tiredly shook her head. “I can’t, Mulder. We can’t take William on the run. He’s just a baby. A life in exile with a newborn would be hell. Besides, he deserves better than to grow up in the back seat of a car, driving from town to town, living in rundown hotel rooms. I just can’t do that to him.”
William slowly woke up and began fussing in Mulder’s arms. Scully saw the smacking motions he was making with his lips and realized he was hungry. She wordlessly held her arms out, and Mulder gently lowered William to her chest. Scully sat down on the couch and unbuttoned her top and opened her nursing bra. Luckily William was a good eater, and he latched on immediately. Scully closed her eyes for a minute before speaking again.
“I know you don’t want to leave William, Mulder,” Scully said. “But here’s something to think about. You could stay here and be present for every one of William’s baby milestones, sure. But you risk the chance you will be killed. And then you won’t be present for anything. William will grow up without a father. No tossing the ball in the backyard. No teaching him about Sasquatch and little green men. No bedtime stories. No watching William get on the school bus on the first day of school. No parent-teacher conferences, no school plays, no Halloween, no…” Mulder cut her off.
“I get what you’re saying, Scully. You want me alive and well when William is older. He deserves to grow up with a dad. But he deserves a father now, when he’s just a little baby. And you deserve help raising him. How can I possibly leave both of you?”
“Mulder, I’m thrilled you’re so attached to William already. And it will be sad for him to be parted from you. But here’s the thing. He’s a baby. As long as he has all his needs met, he’s going to be fine without you. But if you stay and something happens to you, he will feel the absence of you in his life every day. I rather him miss you as a baby and you be present for his childhood than vice versa.”
Mulder shook his head, hating that Scully was making sense. “We don’t know for sure that these supersoldiers are really out to get me, Scully. Kersh might have been lying just to get me out of his hair.”
Scully closed her eyes in frustration. “You are out of the bureau, Mulder, Kersh doesn’t need to keep you away. He had no reason to lie to you when he told you the supersoldiers were going to kill you. They’re not exactly going to care that you just became a father, Mulder. These things are lethal and we don’t know how to destroy him. If Kersh says they’re coming for you, they will find you. And there won’t be any mercy shown.” She looked down at the baby at her breast and stroked his head.
Mulder flopped down on the couch next to Scully and sighed. Why can’t things ever be easy for the two of them?
Scully continued. “Doggett is doing everything to find out about these supersoldiers. He’s using all his contacts in intelligence channels to get information on them. Hopefully he will uncover who they are and how they can be killed, and you can come back. But until we learn what stops them, we are vulnerable, Mulder. You’re at risk of being killed and that’s just not okay. You need to get out of here, go into hiding. The sooner the better.”
Mulder suddenly stood up and began to pace the room. What she was saying made sense, but he didn’t want to listen to her. He couldn’t imagine walking away from Scully and his son. But he didn’t want to die and leave her by herself. He groaned in frustration.
As if reading his mind, Scully said, “look Mulder, the last thing I want is to be left alone right now. Everything hurts and my hormones are wreaking havoc on my moods. I just got you back. But I can’t stand by and watch you get murdered. It would kill me. Please Mulder, go into hiding. It won’t be forever. I just can’t stop worrying about you.”
“And you won’t be worried about me when I’m god knows where, not able to talk with you?”
“Mulder,” Scully said, reaching over and putting her hand on his arm. “We devised a plan just for this reason. I know you’ll have the resources to hide yourself well. That’s the whole point, isn’t it?”
Mulder paced the length of the room and back. The plan. He always hoped they wouldn’t need it. His mind went back to the time when he returned from the dead in New Mexico only to find out that he and Scully were in mortal danger.
Mulder leaned back against the head of the bed in a hotel room in West Virginia and looked at Scully. “We should have a plan in place in case we ever need to go under the radar again.”
Scully wrinkled her forehead. “What do you mean, a plan?”
Mulder sat up. “We should have something set up so if one or both of us needs to run, we have everything we need. Money. Fake ID’s. And in case we get separated, a way to communicate.”
Scully shook her head. “Mulder, that’s overkill.”
Mulder looked at her, incredulous. “Overkill? Scully, look what’s going on now. You almost got shot in the head. They took away your access to the FBI. Your sister is in critical condition. They killed the guy who gave me the .dat tape. They think I’m dead. If things ever go back to normal, we need to come up with a way to escape in case something like this happens again. I know we sure could use a chunk of change right about now, so we wouldn’t have to worry about our credit cards being tracked. It’s the prudent thing to do.”
Scully shrugged her shoulders. “I guess you’re right. I’m just hoping that is a one time occurrence.”
“There are no guarantees in this job, Scully. I think it’s best to be prepared for the worst. After all, we piss off members of the secret government on a regular basis. Let’s say I have to go away because my life is threatened. Wouldn’t you prefer it if you knew I had resources and wasn’t just out there dodging hitmen from the Syndicate? If it was you who had to take off, I’d like knowing you weren’t going to starve and be forced to live in the streets.”
Scully sighed and relented. “OK, but where are you going to get a fake ID and a secret bank account?”
Mulder grinned at her. “Do you not remember my friends The Lone Gunmen?”
A month later, Scully had forgotten all about their conversation once she and Mulder were reinstated. The grief over losing her sister obliterated all other concerns, although she had a pulsing murderous rage boiling in her stomach at the thought of the Cancer Man and all the horrors he had inflicted on her. Mulder, however, didn’t forget.
“I talked to the Gunmen about helping us devise an escape plan, Scully. They’re more than willing to help.”
“Huh?” Scully said, bringing her thoughts back from the ether. “Escape plan?”
“Remember our conversation a few weeks ago? How we should have a concrete plan in case one or both of us has to go into hiding?”
Scully slowly nodded her head. “And the Gunmen are going to set this up for us?”
“Yup. They want us over there on Friday night to start working on it. I carved out a chunk of cash so they can open an account in the Caymans under a pseudonym.”
“Okay,” Scully said. “I’ll contribute some money to that. How much should I put in?”
Mulder shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, Scully. I have us covered.”
“Mulder, you can’t put your life savings into an account under a fake name. What if you need that money? Let me put some in the pot too. How much are you contributing?”
Mulder looked down and shuffled his feet. “Plenty. We don’t need your money.”
Scully wasn’t deterred. She crossed her arms and looked at him. “How much, Mulder?”
He wouldn’t make eye contact with her. “$75,000.”
Scully almost fell out of her chair. “$75,000? Mulder, where the hell did you get that kind of money?”
“I have a trust fund from my maternal grandparents. Plus my dad left me money in his will, and I’m going to get cash from the sale of his house. I can spare it.”
Scully blew air out of her mouth slowly and rubbed her face. She had no idea Mulder had that kind of money just lying around. “OK, let’s go to the Gunmen’s and get this all set up. But Mulder, I just have one question.”
“What’s that?”
Scully leaned back in her chair. “How come you don’t pay every time we eat out?”
The Gunmen seemed thrilled to help with this particular assignment. Mulder and Scully showed up to their lair at 7pm on a Friday night, passport photos they just took at the local drug store in hand.
“So glad you guys had the sense to come to us about this,” said Frohike, looking Scully up and down as she and Mulder stepped into their office space. “No one can disappear people better than we can.”
“I don’t think we want to be disappeared in the mob sense of the word, Frohike,” said Scully.
Langley waved his hand. “You know what he means. No one can hack like us. Getting you both fake passports is a piece of cake. Just give me your photos and I’ll have them ready in a week.”
“How is it that you can do things like this?” Scully asked, her voice dripping in skepticism.
“Trust me, Fair Lady, you don’t want to know,” said Frohike.
“Mulder, I took the money you gave me and set up an account for you in the Cayman Islands under a pseudonym,” said Byers. “No one will be able to track the activity in this account, including the US government. Especially the US government. The Caymans give the utmost privacy to its customers.”
“How is that legal?” Scully asked.
Byers shrugged. “I don’t know, but it is. The Cayman Islands banking system is the bane of law enforcement. No amount of subpoenas or threats will ever make them reveal any information about their clients. Safe as houses.”
“Once we get your passport and social security card set up, we’ll apply for a credit card under your pseudonym so you will have it in case you’re in a situation, like staying in a hotel, were cash isn’t welcome.”
“You boys think of everything,” Mulder said.
“We’re working on something else, “ said Langley, picking up a stack of papers. “We have the technology to set up a voice mailbox that no one but us or the two of you can access. The number is untraceable. It’s for emergency communications only. If only one of you takes off, they can call and check the voice mail weekly for any urgent messages from the person left behind.”
“And just so you know, all the stuff pertaining to this operation needs to stay with us. If you have to go underground, come here first and we will give you passports, credit card, and instructions on accessing your money. Nothing pertaining to this should be in your homes or offices. You can’t risk anyone coming across it and learning about your pseudonyms.”
Mulder nodded. “Sounds fair. I sure hope neither Scully or I will ever have to use this, but I feel a lot better knowing we have a plan in place in case we do.”
The Gunmen came through with everything they promised. Mulder became Steve Kazinski from Wood’s Ash, Tennessee. Scully’s alter ego was Kate O’Leary from New York City. Over time, at Mulder’s insistence, they added to the plan. They studied railroad maps and decided that riding the trains was a much better way to travel under the radar than flying. Buying used cars in cash from private sellers who don’t ask a lot of questions and then switching them out frequently was another thing they discussed. They talked about where they would go if being pursued and decided that getting as far away from DC is the best option, but international travel would put them under too much scrutiny. Although they deliberated things as if it would be the two of them going into hiding together, Mulder always felt that if such extreme measures were needed, it was most likely because he had gotten himself in trouble, again, and it would be him hiding solo, leaving Scully behind. He hated that idea, but with each element of the plan that fell into place, he felt that much better.
Mulder spent most of the night tossing and turning, rising every time he heard William fuss to bring him to Scully for feeding. When morning finally came, he quietly got up so he wouldn’t wake Scully and hopped in the shower. The day before was spent packing up his apartment and moving everything into storage, and his muscles were sore.
He was surprised when the shower curtain was moved aside and Scully joined him. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek against his chest, water sluicing down over her head. Mulder leaned down and kissed her forehead. Her body was different than her pre-pregnancy figure, but he loved her rounded stomach and stretchmarks because they told the story of his son’s existence.
“This is a treat,” he murmured into her hair. “Didn’t think I’d get to shower with you for a long time.”
Scully pulled back and looked at him. “I wish we could do a little more than just get wet together, but I’m six weeks away from being ready for sex again. Unfortunately.”
Mulder reached down and grabbed her ass. “It will give me something to look forward to when I get back. Which will be as soon as possible. I promise.” He pretended not to notice the tears in her eyes.
“I’ll do everything I can to learn about these supersoldiers and figure out how we can kill them,” Scully said. “I don’t want you apart from me one minute longer than necessary.”
“I know, honey, I know,” Mulder whispered, the term of endearment slipping out of his mouth unnoticed. “I’m so sorry for all of this, Scully. I’m sorry I wasn’t around for most of your pregnancy. I’m sorry you had to give birth in the middle of nowhere. And I’m sorry I won’t be around to help out with the baby.” He closed his eyes. “My whole life, I wanted to be different. I didn’t want to live a conventional life like everyone else. And I don’t, I haven’t. But right now, I would give anything for a little normalcy. I’d give anything to stay and help you wash onesies and comfort William in the middle of the night and get peed on during diaper changes. It crushes me that I’m going to miss these small minutes of his babyhood, Scully. I never thought I’d feel like this, but I do. You and William are so much more important to me than the X-files ever were.”
Scully sniffed. “I’d give my eye teeth for a normal life right about now too, Mulder. So we could just raise our son together in peace. But as usual, we aren’t getting what we want.” She wiped a hand over her eyes and looked at Mulder. “Do you have any idea how much I love you?”
Despite the crushing stress of the moment, Mulder smiled. “I’ll never get tired of hearing that, Scully.” He pulled her close and whispered in her ear. “ I’ll tell you a secret. I squirrel away every ‘I love you’ in my heart to take out and examine later. I’ll never take your love for granted. I’m still amazed that you have put up with me for so long, let alone love me and want to be with me. And now you have given me a son. I hold William in my heart right next to your love.”
Scully started sobbing. “Oh my god, I know you need to leave, but I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to leave me. I feel like less of a person when you aren’t around.”
Mulder put his hands on her shoulders. “You are never less of anything, Scully, with or without me. You are the bravest person I’ve ever met. If anyone can be a mother and figure out the secrets of the supersoldiers, it’s you. I have faith in you. Don’t ever forget that.”
Scully nodded and raised her head into the shower stream, letting the water wash away her tears. “As much as I love this, we have to get going. The Gunmen are expecting us soon.”
An hour later, Mulder, Scully and William arrived at the Lone Gunman’s. The three men were all uncharacteristically subdued. Mulder could tell his old friends truly understood the tragedy of him having to leave his newborn son. And the look on Scully’s face told them all they needed to know about how devastated she was.
“Okay boys, show me what you got. I have a date with a 1PM trainride to my new life.”
Frohike walked over to him with a large Manilla envelope. He dumped out the contents on a desk in front of Mulder.
“It’s all here. Passport, social security card, driver’s license, credit card. Information about how to access your bank account.” Frohike picked up a white envelope. “We took the liberty of removing some money from your account to give you some cash. Here’s $5,000 for a little pocket change. Perfect for buying an old jalopy to tool around in.”
Mulder took the money and put several hundred dollars in his wallet and stuffed the rest in his coat pocket to be packed in his luggage when he got back out to Scully’s car. “Good thinking, boys. Now let’s talk about that secure voice mailbox you set up for Scully and me.”
Langley handed Mulder a Post-it with a phone number on it, which Mulder also put in his wallet. “I want to be very clear about this. No one should be able to access this mailbox, Mulder, and the number is untraceable, but you still need to be careful. Don’t leave messages just to chit chat. And you, Scully, this mailbox isn’t for ‘hi, how you doing, just wanted to let you know that William got his first tooth.’ It’s for emergencies only. Mulder, check it once a week in case we need to communicate.”
Langley turned to look at Scully, who held a fussy William over her shoulder while she patted his back. “Scully, if you have to convey anything to Mulder, tell us what it is and we will leave the message.”
Scully stopped rocking and looked at Langley. “Why?”
Byers stepped over to her. “Because that way, the number to this mailbox won’t show up on your phone logs, either your cell or home. We don’t want anyone to be able to snoop and figure out you’ve been talking with Mulder. It’s just safer this way.”
Scully nodded her head but said nothing. She carried William over to the Gunman’s couch and sat down, pulling a baby blanket out of the diaper bag. She placed William in her lap as she unbuttoned her shirt to breast feed. Once William latched on, she laid a blanket over him for some privacy. Byers, Langley, and Frohike grew bright red and became interested in looking at anything in the room but Scully. Mulder snickered at their embarrassment.
“Frohike, I know this is close to one of your fantasies, but try to act like a grownup,” Mulder joked. Frohike shook his head and trained his eyes on Mulder.
“I was hoping I might occasionally come across an internet café so I can e-mail Scully,” Mulder said. “But I imagine access to the internet is going to be rare, so we can’t rely on that. The voice mailbox will be critical.”
Byers shook his head. “Be careful with e-mail, Mulder. People can hack into your e-mail account and see that the two of you have been in touch. E-mail is risky. I wouldn’t recommend it.”
Mulder waved him off. “Like I said, access to the internet is probably going to be spotty. I doubt I’ll be able to check my e-mail very often.”
Mulder sat down next to Scully, who was buttoning up her shirt. Mulder wordlessly took William out of her arms and put him over his shoulder to burp him. “That’s my boy,” he whispered. He looked up at his friends. “You guys help Scully when I’m gone, please. Do what you can to find out about these supersoldiers. The sooner we learn to destroy them, the sooner I can come home.” He leaned over and kissed Scully on the cheek.
“You know we will do whatever we can to help,” said Frohike. “We want you back too, Mulder, In one piece.”
Scully stood and looked at her watch. “Mulder it’s noon. We need to get to the train station.” Mulder could tell she was being her usual stoic self, but he could see the turmoil in her blue eyes.
“Take care of yourself, friend,” Frohike said, rising on his toes and wrapping his arms around Mulder, careful not to jostle the baby. “We’ll do everything we can to help your better half and your little boy.” Mulder just nodded, a lump in his throat preventing him from saying anything. He was truly grateful to his offbeat friends for everything they were doing for him. After shaking hands with Langley and Byers, he and Scully took their leave.
They had decided it would be best if he got on a train in a less crowded depot rather than Union Station. They determined that Manassas was one of the smallest stations to pick up Amtrak, so they headed there after leaving the Gunmen. The 45 minute drive was made mostly in silence, both Mulder and Scully lost in their own thoughts. Mulder desperately wanted to slow down time, to hold each moment in his hand and treasure it, to soak up every bit of Scully energy through his skin that he possibly could. He wished with every fiber of his being that this wasn’t happening. He opened his mouth a couple of times to tell Scully to drive back to her apartment instead, but then he remembered how upset she was at the idea of him getting killed. He couldn’t leave Scully like that again. All he could do was pray to a god he didn’t believe in that their separation will be short, and he will be back with Scully and his son again.
Scully pulled into a parking space and turned off the car, but made no move to remove her seatbelt and get out. Mulder looked at her. Her eyes were full of tears, and he reached over and took her hand.
“Let’s go,” he said softly.
“Don’t leave,” she said, he voice barely above a whisper.
Mulder caressed her cheek. “I don’t want to go, Scully. But it’s for the best. I see that now. I want to watch William grow up. You’re right, a few months away during his infancy to assure a lifetime of being around is a small price to pay.”
“My heart is breaking,” she choked out.
“Oh Dana,” Mulder said, his voice cracking. “Mine too, mine too.”
Scully wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s time. Let’s do this.”
Mulder went to the desk in the train station to buy a ticket while Scully walked around with William in her arms. The plan was for him to take the train to New York City’s Grand Central Station, and from there pick a destination that had a train leaving at the earliest possible time. Mulder felt better when he was on the move rather than standing still. He had no idea where he would end up, but he had a hunch, one he hadn’t shared with Scully. He wanted to find Gibson Praise. Gibson’s mindreading abilities would be the best possible weapon Mulder could imagine for him staying safe. Gibson would be able to tell if someone was human or a supersoldier and what their intentions were, and that could be the difference between life and death. Mulder had been secretly looking for Gibson ever since he agreed to go on the run, and planned to eventually make his way to New Mexico, where Gibson was last seen.
Ticket in hand, Mulder gestured to the platform and cleared his throat. “Looks like my train is here. I should get going.”
Scully stood next to him, William sleeping in her arms. “I don’t know how to do this,” she said softly, the threat of tears in her voice.
“Do what?” Mulder asked, cupping her jaw and forcing her to look at him.
“Say goodbye. After you were abducted, I thought about the last thing I said to you over and over again, wishing I had said something different. I wished I told you how much I love you, how I will love you forever, how your presence in my life has changed me for the better. I would lie awake in bed at night and have scenarios running through my mind where I got to say goodbye, and I told you everything in my heart. And now—“ her voice broke—“now I have the opportunity for a real goodbye, and I don’t know what to say.” She turned away from Mulder as tears leaked down her cheeks.
“Oh Scully, I had the same wish. After I learned that you found out you were pregnant right after I was taken, all I could think about was how great it would have been to hear that news from you. I pictured your face when you told me, a look of joy and disbelief. And we would celebrate, you and me. Instead—well, you know the instead. I have a thousand things I want to tell you too, and right now my mind is blank. I’m so sad I can’t think straight.” He wrapped his arms around Scully, careful not to smush William.
They stood there, connected, in the middle of the train station, busy travelers bustling about them, and yet it seemed as if they were the only two people in the world. After what felt like forever and yet only a second, Mulder pulled away and looked at the giant clock on the wall. “I gotta go, Scully,” he said softly, kissing her softly on the lips. Scully nodded.
Mulder leaned over and kissed William on the head. “Be a good boy for your mother,” he murmured. “ Know that I love you dearly and I’m very sorry I have to be away from you for awhile.” His voice caught at the end, tears flooding his eyes.
“Go,” Scully said softly. “We’ll be okay. We’ll be waiting for you, Mulder.” Mulder reluctantly pulled away from her, holding her hand. He looked at her face and was at a loss for words. When he couldn’t take the devastation in her eyes any longer, he let go of her hand and walked toward his train. He tried his best to resist turning around to look at her, but the urge was too strong. Scully stood holding William, gently rocking him, and when she saw Mulder was looking at her, she raised her hand. As tired and worn out as she was, Mulder thought she never looked so beautiful.
After two hours on the train, Mulder got sick of staring out the window and feeling horrible, so he opened his backpack to find the lunch Scully had packed for him. As he rummaged through the bag to locate the turkey sandwich on rye, extra mayo, his hand wrapped around an unfamiliar object. He pulled it out to study it. It was a small photo album he didn’t recognize. On the first page was a note from Scully.
Dear Mulder,
I know that being away is going to be very hard on you, so I wanted to give you something to make you smile. During the darkest days, try and remember the times of laughter and light. Here you will find pictures to remind you that life is not all loss and fear, that you and I and your son have had many beautiful moments together, and there are more to come in our future. Know always that I love you deeply, and you are never far from my thoughts. I will tell William about you every day. I’ll tell him about your bravery, your strength, and what a gentle and compassionate person you are. You are everything to me, Mulder, and you are everything to William. Carry us in your heart and let us help you get through our separation.
Love always,
Dana
Mulder had to pause before turning the page, overcome with emotion, but curiosity got the best of him. The first picture in the small album was of the two of them, taken at one of the FBI holiday balls Skinner forced them to attend. Scully was in a beautiful dark green cocktail dress, and Mulder was in a tux. Judging by Scully’s hairstyle, he guessed it was taken the third Christmas they were partners. They stood against the wall of the ballroom, his arm casually draped over her shoulder. He wore a smirk, and Scully had a slight smile. She looked gorgeous. He had never seen this picture before. He vaguely remembered there was an official photographer at the ball; Scully must have tracked him down afterwards to get a copy of this picture. The next was similar to the photo he had hanging on the wall in their office. They were both wearing their FBI flak jackets and were discussing a case; unlike the photo stuck to the bulletin board by his desk, in this one they are looking at the camera. Mulder remembered when the crime scene photographer dropped off copies of both pictures he snapped to use up a roll of film. Mulder wondered what happened to the smaller picture--now he knew. He turned the page and saw a snapshot that was of just Scully. Her mother must have taken it one summer evening, because he recognized the backdrop to be Maggie Scully’s backyard. Scully is dressed casually in a blue floral summer dress, but it wasn’t her clothes that caught his attention. She was wearing one of her extremely rare million watt smiles. Mulder’s heart jumped. Scully’s smiles were like eclipses; something to be treasured for their infrequency. He stared at the picture for minutes, tracing her face with his finger over and over again, until he got curious about the rest of the photos in the book.
Mulder had teased her about all the pictures she was taking of William. Now he understood that the roll of film she used up was for the purpose of this photo album. She had made an excuse the day before to run to the pharmacy, rebuffing Mulder’s offers to go instead of her. She must have developed the roll of film and made copies of the other pictures. There were about ten snapshots in the album of William. The official photo of William from the hospital Scully was taken to after giving birth in Democrat Hot Springs was the first. Two more were of William in Mulder’s arms. One was of all three of them, courtesy of Maggie Scully. The rest were of William alone, in his crib, a closeup of him in Scully’s arms, even one of him screaming bloody murder. Mulder closed his eyes to brace against the wave of pain that crashed over him. He was in love with his son after only a few short days knowing him; he never understood parental bonds until now. It was wrong he had to leave him. It was all wrong. It was wrong he wasn’t home with Scully and their baby right now. After looking through all the pictures in the photo album and rereading Scully’s message several more times, he put it away and pulled out his turkey sandwich. He had no doubt that he would be returning to those pictures day after day for comfort.
As Mulder chewed his sandwich, he thought back to the small surprise he left Scully in her apartment. Several months ago, they went to a carnival in the Baltimore area. When he saw a photo booth, he dragged Scully in to have their picture taken. He pulled her on his lap, and the first picture was of the two of them laughing as she tried to get comfortable. The second picture was of Mulder pressing his lips against Scully’s cheek, and the third was of them engaged in a kiss. When the strip of pictures emerged from the photo machine, Mulder grabbed it before Scully could, and told her he wanted this for his apartment. He hung it on his fridge, and it made him smile every time he saw it. When he was packing up his apartment yesterday, he carefully removed the strip of pictures and put it in his pocket. Right before they left for the Gunman’s lair today, he went into the kitchen, found a spare magnet, and stuck it on Scully’s fridge. He hoped that the images of them being silly in love would bring her a little joy.
Mulder finished his sandwich and resumed staring out the window at nothing. The old buildings and factories the train sped past had little to capture his interest, so his mind returned again and again to Scully. He wished he could rewind time and change the way he treated her right after he got back. He was so scared and confused after returning from the dead that he simply couldn’t get out of his own way. As was his tendency, he turned inward and thought only of himself. He was ashamed to admit that even Scully’s pregnancy didn’t bring him out of his morass. He felt like he had walked in on a movie halfway through, and trying to figure out the plot was a struggle he was just too tired for. When Scully awkwardly stood up in his hospital room and he saw her pregnant belly, he was silent, too confused to even try and organize his thoughts. Scully looked at him and he glanced away, saying nothing, knowing he was hurting her with his aloofness. When he finally turned to Scully again, the pain in her eyes nearly took his breath away. He would spend the rest of his life apologizing to her for the hurt he inadvertently caused her. Mulder rubbed a hand over his tired face and sighed. Here he was, running away and leaving her to care for a newborn alone. He was doing a hell of a job making things up to her, he thought bitterly. One hell of a job.
SIX MONTHS LATER
Scully pulled up outside the Gunman’s lair at a few minutes before midnight. William was sound asleep in his carseat, and Scully hoped he wouldn’t be jostled awake when she removed him from the car. Lucky for her, William waved his hands in front of his face and made a funny grunting noise, and then settled back to sleep as she unhooked his car seat and pulled it out. She walked slowly toward the Gunman’s door and rang the bell and waved, knowing she was on camera. After a few minutes, Frohike answered in his pajamas.
“What’s up, Scully?” he asked, opening the door and gesturing for her to come in. As she entered, a sleepy looking Langley in a pair of pajama bottoms and Byers in a dressing gown came into the office.
“Good, you’re all here,” she said crisply. “I need a voice mail left for Mulder. Tonight.”
Byers looked at her and nodded his head. “Is everything okay?”
“Possibly,” she said. “There may be a way to identify the supersoldiers. Someone in the know reached out to us, but he will only talk to Mulder.” Scully took a deep breath. “I need to tell Mulder to come home.”
The three Gunmen looked at each other, then at Scully. Langley finally spoke. “Are you sure that’s wise, Scully? We still don’t know how to destroy these things. Mulder isn’t safe.”
William woke up and let out an indignant howl. Scully leaned down and unsnapped him from his car seat and began to bounce him. Frohike reached out and Scully wordlessly placed William in his arms.
“This is a way for Mulder to be safe.”
“Are you sure it’s not a trap? A way to draw him out?” asked Byers softly.
“I don’t think it is. And, and I have to see him. I miss him so much.” The three men looked around awkwardly, not used to seeing Scully show her emotions so blatantly.
“If you’re a hundred percent sure,” said Frohike, bouncing William on his hip.
“I am.”
“Come over here and have a seat,” said Langley. She followed his orders, and he pulled a phone close to her. “Let me just access the mailbox so you can leave a message.” Langley picked up the phone and dialed far more numbers than needed for a simple phone call. He then handed the phone to Scully. “Record the message at the beep.”
Scully looked around at the Gunmen, hoping they would back off and give her some privacy. They didn’t move.
At the beep, Scully took a deep breath. “Mulder, it’s me,” she began. “Someone has reached out to us with knowledge about who exactly the supersoldiers are and how they can be destroyed. He seems to be situated deep in the intelligence world, and Doggett thinks he’s the real deal. The problem is he won’t talk to anyone but you.” She paused. “I need you to come home, Mulder. I need you to find out what this guy knows. He could be the miracle we’ve been looking for. Follow our plans for a return train ride. I’ll see you soon.” Feeling self-conscious, Scully whispered, “I love you.” She hung up the phone.
“Whew,” said Frohike. “I was wondering what was going to bring him back.”
Byers placed a hand on Scully’s shoulder. “Let us know if there is anything else we can do to assure Mulder is okay. It worries me to have him come home.”
Scully stood up and reached her arms out toward Frohike, and he silently handed over William. “All I can do now is pray,” Scully said. She looked at the three men. “I can’t thank you enough for arranging everything for us. I don’t know what we would have done without you.” She placed William back in his car seat and strapped him in. “If it’s safe, I’ll bring Mulder around to see you as soon as we can. I imagine he’ll be busy with this source for a few days.”
“No rush,” Frohike said, unlocking the door and pulling it open for Scully. “The most important thing is that all three of you are safe.” Scully reached out and silently squeezed Frohike’s shoulder as she passed him by.
FIVE DAYS LATER
Scully stared at herself in the mirror. She was unhappy with the changes she saw in her face ever since she had William. The sleep deprivation, the grinding worry about Mulder, and the exhaustion of working full time and being the sole caretaker of an infant had aged her, and she didn’t like that one bit. As superficial as it seemed, she wanted to look good for Mulder’s return. She patted some powder on her face and put on a fresh coat of lipstick. Her hair was longer than when he last saw her; she wondered if he’d like it. Giving herself one last look in the mirror, she turned and walked out of her bathroom.
It was too early to go to the train station to meet Mulder, but Scully didn’t know what to do with her nervous energy so she grabbed her keys and headed out the door. She had dropped off William at her mother’s house earlier in the evening, so she and Mulder could have some privacy tonight. Her heart sped up at the thought of his hands on her after so long. She got in her car and pulled out a map to look up the way to the Manassas train station. They had prearranged that no matter where he was hiding, he would come home on the midnight train from New York City, which only ran every Tuesday and Friday. Since she left the voice mail for him on Sunday, Tuesday would be too early for him to have gotten the message and make travel arrangements, but Friday’s train gave him plenty of time. She was sure beyond doubt that he was coming home tonight.
The trip to the train station seemed to take forever, but she managed to arrive at 11:30. The platform was deserted. Scully wrapped her arms around her shoulders in reaction to the cold and began to pace away her nerves. Up, back, up, back, up, back. She tried to resist looking at the clock, but when she broke down and stole a peek at her watch, she grew frustrated at how slowly time was moving. As it got closer and closer to midnight, her pacing picked up speed.
After an interminable time, she heard something faintly in the distance. It was the soft clack clack clack of a train. She stopped walking and stood still, her heartbeat accelerating in her chest. She was about to see Mulder after six months. When the train came into view, she balled her fists and tried to keep the tears out of her eyes. This was it. She was seconds away from seeing the love of her life. It was happening. He was here. And nothing could stop her from wrapping her arms around him tonight. Not a thing. Nothing at all.