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Don't love her gently - love her true. She is the flame on a candle, the dragon's gold; treat her not like the most broken, but as the strongest in the world. Maybe, second to yourself, she may be, but tell her she's the strongest, because her happiness is always fleeting and you have got lots to give.
Remember that you love her.
Love her as she flourishes, as her angelic lips part for her sweet voice, as she sings and dances like nobody's watching, as she puts on her prettiest dress and bats her thick lashes and paints her nails pink; yearning to feel young and stupid and free. (You tell her she’s still young and beautiful, but she doesn’t believe you, and that breaks your heart.)
Love her as she burns, as her tears rip through the night and rip through your soul. As the memories you both hate with a searing passion poison her mind, as you raise a hand against her cheek and you loathe yourself for not being the hero she deserved - the knight in shining armor that could clear her cries and kiss her for a happy ending. (She needs it, oh God, how she needs it, but all she has is you and your two shared friends and nothing else but pain and agony.)
Finally, love her as she smiles, with that trained smile that Kotoko Utsugi never really lets go - not in front of you, not in front of anyone, not for the world, not ever.
You know how to love her. You've loved her since you were kids playing ball in the street, rubber shoes sliding on tarmac, voices loud and high enough to reach the skies in joy.
You've loved her since her candy-colored hair swept by you, and you had tugged on it, and she had hit you, and you had both laughed in the way children do; vowing to reap revenge in the form of tickles or little jump scares or super sour gummy worms that hurt your big dumb mouths.
You've loved her since she held your sweaty hand on the edge of what was to be your almost death; and the beginning of the end; gripping it tightly as if to say that she would be there with you when you both fell into the world beyond.
You've loved her through the end of the world and back, even when you were shredded by insecurities and fell to your knees as the king of nothing but naivety and failure. Even when you were betrayed. Even when you were bashed to the ground, and felt nothing but pain in your lungs and limbs.
(Once upon a time, perhaps you loved Monaka too, but that time would never come again. So forget about her, forget about your pain, and love Kotoko the way you've loved all this time.)
(You love her so much more, in every passing moment.)
(If anything hurts more than how much you love her; it’s the way she won’t let you hold her when she cries.)
(Not even the tips of her fingers, trembling in the dark, as the cold sweat drips down her face, as sobs rack her body, as you struggle to stay strong for her sake, because you don’t know what else to do.)
You've loved her for too long, too fast, but kids don't love, you thought, kids are all playing games of silly crushes and candy hearts, and you couldn't love then, you thought. How can you love her now?
Remember to keep her fire alive. You're too powerful, your breath too harsh, and sometimes you'll hurt her - you will, you can't help it - because you and Kotoko are flames blue and red, variations of a blaze that never glow together, temperatures so hot that all you can do is wreak havoc and bring destruction.
Together, you are destruction.
You’ll forget some days that she can’t stand being gentle. That she’ll choke you and squeeze the breath out of you with her rough hands and rough kisses, and you’ll bleed for her, but you’ll always know it’s not her fault.
Tainted by demon hands, never to be innocent and chaste again, she’s the fire in your heart and the monster with your love, so you let her.
(Sometimes, she’s tender with you, and peppers your face and neck with sweet, caring touches. Those moments always drive you crazy, because you’re running your fingers through her silky smooth hair knowing that it won’t ever last; something will flick her switch and she will be a whirlwind once more.)
It may be hard, but remember you're not perfect. Remember how she loves you, when you're fighting, won't you, please? When you're at each other's throats, when she's crying and you're fuming. When she's climbing on top of you with that fancy pink gun of hers, and you bring your knuckles through its teeth.
Remember, that she loves you. But you're not perfect. Neither of you are.
Love her anyway.
Love her as she deserves to be loved. As you want her to be loved. As the actress you've known since a child, as the girl you've loved since you've told yourself that children don't love.
Love her as much as you possibly can.
But you can't love her blindly, God, please don't love her blindly. Nagisa loved blindly once, twice, in his life and because you saw how it destroyed him, you should know. Because you saw how his purity shriveled and pierced him through - you should know.
(You forget he’s broken too, sometimes. Your hands reach out for him, but you often find nothing there. Nagisa doesn’t want you, doesn’t need you like you need Kotoko, and you’re not happy to leave him, but he exposes tiny secrets to you and that’s the best you will get.)
But if you don't love her blindly, don't love her with a hateful kind of scrutinizing love, either. Remember how Jataro loved with hate and how it chipped at his shoulder day by day. Remember how his fair, untouched features drained him dry of tears and saliva - remember that you sat with him and could do nothing but watch, and hope that he would come to his senses soon. You've never loved with hate. You'd never understand. But even so, you should know what not to do.
(You don’t know what to think about Jataro, still. He gets along better with Kotoko, ironically, because of their similar indulgence in creative arts, and you’re glad in a way that they’re finally good to each other.
Civil, at least, but Kotoko’s still got that mean streak in her that you equally admire and fear. Jataro, not so much. Though, even now, you can’t forget the night terrors shaking him up during those long days you spent alone with him, and you worry. God, how you worry.)
Don’t forget you know how to love her. And please remember, that in her heart, she loves you too. Hold onto that. Please, just, hold onto that. Because you love her, you have to believe in her.
So love her like you mean it. Like there's no-one else that can match her, like there's no-one in the universe that could make her happy the way you do. Sometimes you get scared, sometimes you get worried. Sometimes you second-guess yourself. But you love her, don't you?
So love her like you do.
You know how she’s loved.
You are how she’s loved.
Hold onto that, please.
Even if it's only little.
Hold onto that.