Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Oh God he didn’t know how he was going to do it. He could somehow survive nearly getting sucked into a hole that disappeared into the deranged nonsense that was the void, but he couldn’t gather up enough confidence to talk to the Doctor.

Ryan tried to tell himself that it was just the Doctor, someone he had known for quite a while now, but if he was being completely honest with himself it wasn’t like the Doctor was just the Doctor. He was amazing, wonderful, and a whole lot of other things that Ryan didn’t want to think about at the moment. The Doctor was the most amazing man he had ever met, but telling him about this, no, that was terrifying. The other had been collected about a lot of things during their travels, but Ryan was worried that this would be the thing to push him over.

It wasn’t like he knew all about alien perceptions of gender or anything of the sort - he didn’t know if the Doctor would even understand what he was trying to say. Earth wasn’t the best place either, if Ryan was telling the truth, there were still millions of people out there who didn’t understand people like him or didn’t want to believe that it was possible.

But it was important. It was important that he knew because it was absolutely killing Ryan that he didn’t. If he were to be positive about the entire situation he had endured just a few hours earlier, at least this meant that he didn’t have to really worry about telling anyone else, they were gone now, gone forever. Ryan tried not to think about it too much.

Maybe if he just thought about it like a normal conversation then it wouldn’t be so bad. But deep down he knew that it wasn’t just any kind of conversation. It was a big one, one that could change everything. All he hoped was that the Doctor didn’t leave him after it, the last thing Ryan wanted was to leave the Doctor. He had risked everything and everyone, lost his mum and Mickey just for the chance of staying with the man - he didn’t want this to be the thing to ruin that.

It was late, at least it appeared to be thanks to the TARDIS’s internal clock thing that helped humans such as himself. Ryan hadn’t slept at all since getting back on board; his body wanted to - it was completely wiped out after everything that had happened during the day, from the adrenaline that had been coursing through his veins, but he couldn’t find it in himself to close his eyes. His brain was currently occupied by thinking about all the things that could go wrong if he did tell the Doctor, of the horrible reactions that could come out of it.

Ryan wasn’t even laying in his bed anymore, not even sitting in it: he was pacing. Everyone knew that someone who paced wasn’t well, and Ryan fit that description pretty well at the moment. His entire body ached and urged him to return to bed, to just close his eyes for a moment, but his brain wouldn’t shut off.

It had gotten even worse when he had looked in his mirror. Why he kept the thing around he would never know seeing as every time he looked in it he hated what he saw. Ryan had done it to himself on purpose of course, trying to compensate and all of that. For a while he had thought maybe it had worked - that period of time didn’t last that long.

He rubbed his eyes, hands running down his face. “Just sleep, it’s not that hard to bloody sleep,” he hissed out.

There was a faint knocking on the door. “Having trouble?”

“What the hell!” Ryan jumped, his heart jumping in his chest. It sank just as quickly. “Doctor?”

“The one and only.” He seemed so proud of himself when he walked in, still immaculately dressed like a posh arsehole - aside from the trainers of course. Ryan momentarily forgot that the Doctor didn’t sleep as much as humans did, stupid Time Lord DNA. “What are you still doing awake, I would have thought you’d be long asleep by now, Rose Tyler.”

Ryan tried not to cringe at the name. It was a beautiful name, utterly wonderful, it just wasn’t either of those things for him specifically. He’d always done a good show of performing for the Doctor, never making him question anything as far as Ryan’s gender went, but he was just so tired that putting up the facade didn’t come as easily. His shoulders slumped and there was a deep frown on his face that wouldn’t wipe itself away now matter what he did; his eyes were probably red from how much he had rubbed at them.

The Doctor’s smile fell, a look of concern appearing on his face. “What’s wrong, somethings wrong, what is it?”

Ryan let out a sigh at the Doctor’s reaction, of course he would react like that, being quite direct and not even trying to carefully dance around the topic. “It’s nothing.” He had to pretend like it was nothing, at least for now; he didn’t think he could tell the other, if he would ever be able to. Ryan knew that he would have to at some point because if they were really in for the long run now he wouldn’t be able to live like this for that long. It would be agony having the one person that knew him - that wasn’t in some parallel world - calling him the wrong name, thinking he was some other person.

The Doctor looked him over, placing his hands on Ryan’s shoulders. “No, somethings definitely up. I can fix it, whatever it is I’ll fix it.” And there he went already jumping to solving the problems. Ryan loved that about him, the way he would try to help, even if he didn’t even know what the situation was.

Ryan pushed one of the hands away - it hurt too much - something he would never have, something he could never have. “It’s all fine, I promise.”

“No, it’s not.” He stepped back, looking a bit confused. “Why are you lying?”

Ryan could lie again, he could come up with something. He could say that it was his mum and Mickey, because he was upset about them too, upset that he wouldn’t be able to see them ever again, that he hadn’t had the chance to say a proper goodbye. Ryan could say that and it wouldn’t be completely false, it just wasn’t the thing keeping him up at the moment. It must have been the shock still, not fully processing what had happened the hours prior.

But the Doctor would be able to tell. He knew Ryan well - not enough to figure out the secret that he was keeping since he kept it so close to his heart - but the Doctor would be able to make out that he was lying, that that wasn’t the thing making him upset. Could he tell the Doctor though? Would he really be able to do that?

The other hand was still on his shoulder and was now guiding him to the door. “Alright, tea, that’s what people drink when they’re upset. You sit, I’ll make tea.”

The Doctor didn’t let Ryan say anything else before he was sitting the other down and rushing off to make him a cuppa. In the middle of the night. Fantastic. If Ryan was having a hard time sleeping before he really would now, not like he thought he would get sleep, that plan had already gone to shreds. His brain was too consumed to do anything as relaxing as sleep.

Ryan’s knee bounced as he waited for the Doctor. He would start asking questions again, if he was really lucky maybe he would take no for an answer - for the first time - and Ryan could just drink his tea and go back to his room. Yeah, that sounded completely impossible.

He had to hope that it would happen though because his heart raced horribly when he thought about telling the Doctor everything.

Speaking of the Devil, said man decided to walk back in, a smile back on his face - though Ryan could tell this one was a lot more forced. With all the Doctor had learned about him, Ryan had learned quite a bit about the Doctor as well.

The Doctor stood in front of him before realising that standing like that was strange and decided to sit instead. He handed Ryan a cup, having his own in his other hand - knowing him it was probably sickeningly sweet. Ryan didn’t know how he did it.

“Right, so, typically humans sleep after a highly stressful day like we had, but you’re not, what’s the problem?”

So analytical, “I said I was alright.”

“And I said you were lying. So you better start telling me the truth.” He looked like a dickhead, but Ryan knew that he was being sincere - just with a strange way of showing it. He huffed, “And what if I don’t want to tell you?”

“Well then,” the Doctor crossed one leg over the other, “It seems like we’re going to be here for a while then.”

“What if I fall asleep?”

“Even better.”

There was no winning when it came to the Doctor, Ryan knew that and yet he still pushed back like an idiot. “I-” Was he going to say it? Could he do that? They were in the middle of outer space at the moment, floating among the stars - the Doctor said it would be good to get away from Earth for a while - so he would have to put in the effort to get Ryan off the TARDIS at that very moment.

Unless he truly hated Ryan and then he sent him to the deep corners of space. He wouldn’t… hopefully.

“Rose.”

It was harder to hide his distaste, even more so now.

Ryan sighed, he was going to have to do it one of these days. No time like the present. “It’s… complicated.”

The Doctor raised a brow, “So there is something going on.”

Ryan could laugh at the absurdity of it all. “Yeah, I guess there is.” He looked down at his cup, wanting to look anywhere that wasn’t the Doctor’s gaze. “Well, it’s been a long time that this has been happening, maybe my entire life, I’m not sure.”

His eyes betrayed him and he looked up for a brief moment, concern was looking all over the Doctor’s face, pure dread in his eyes. That made Ryan rethink his entire decision. “I’m, I’m not…” His voice struggled to make its way out of his mouth. He needed to get the words out, but they didn’t want to, not in the slightest. It was all a stupid idea, that must have been why, one big, stupid, idea. “I don’t know if you know what this is, if Time Lords have it but… I’m transgender.”

The room was quiet, so quiet that Ryan thought that the Doctor was plotting his demise at that very moment. He needed the other to say something, to either confirm all of his worst fears, or maybe, maybe do the opposite. But that didn’t matter - what mattered was that he needed to know that there was some sort of reaction, even if it was bad.

“Are you gonna say anything?” Ryan looked up again, fearful of what he might see.

The Doctor was smiling, a genuine one this time. “Well,” he set his own cup down, “Is that what’s gotten you so worried?”

Ryan didn’t know what to think. “Yes,” he scoffed. His brain wasn’t computing what the Doctor’s reaction was in the slightest. “What does that mean? Do you know what that is?”

The Doctor waved a hand, “Of course I know what that is, R- Anyway, I’ve been around humans for centuries - past, present, and future. I’ve learned lots of your little terms.”

Ryan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “And?”

“And what?”

“Is that it?”

The Doctor collected himself again, “Right, sorry, congratulations and all of that. Do you have a new name picked out, pronouns, all of that sort of stuff?”

He was shocked at how easily the Doctor had accepted what Ryan had said. He was glad, yes, but overall still very shocked. “Okay? Um, well, I’ve picked out Ryan.” His mum had always said that was what he was going to be called if he came out a boy, and he did technically come out - just not in the way she had expected.

“Brilliant, Ryan Tyler! Happy to have you aboard the TARDIS!” The Doctor was laughing, so Ryan started laughing as well. It was too much energy for such an hour, but he couldn’t help it. “And Ryan Tyler you are?”

“A man, transgender man.”

The Doctor looked at him with a sense of pride that Ryan had never seen before. It was utterly amazing, wonderful, bloody perfect. If he was just a bit more stupid and reckless he would have done something really crazy, but he held himself back.

Ryan didn’t know how to react, but the Doctor did. He took the cup out of his hands and wrapped him in a hug - Ryan did so back, never wanting to let go. Of course, he had to though, which was a bit disappointing. The high of telling the Doctor began to fall away and he was left with more questions. “Wait, you’ve met other trans people before?”

The Doctor shrugged, “Loads of people. They didn’t call themselves that mind you, much more modern term, but there’s always been people that go against the gender they’re assigned at birth.” The both of them sat down again, though Ryan wished that they were a bit closer. “‘Sides, it’s not like humans are the only things out there. Lots of other species have more than two genders, or one, or none, or they can change it as they please.” The Doctor looked a bit amused at the last one.

“Like Time Lords?” Ryan breached the topic carefully since he knew the Doctor had a rough history with speaking about the rest of the Time Lords.

The smile didn’t leave his face, though it did lessen just a bit. “Sorta, Time Lords don’t have control over it though, regeneration can change everything randomly.”

Ryan wondered at that moment if the Doctor had ever regenerated as a woman, but he thought it better not to ask. The night had been going so well before, and the Doctor had actually said something about his species, it was better to not ruin the little bit of peace they had going on.

He smiled as he took another sip of his quickly growing cold tea; telling the Doctor hadn’t been that bad after all.

Chapter Text

It was nice being out to the Doctor, nerve wracking, yes, but overall nice. He never thought this day would actually come, and now it was here - right in his hands and ready for the taking. Despite everything that had happened the day before Ryan actually slept peacefully. Knowing that the Doctor didn’t hate him for this, wasn’t about to kick him off the TARDIS and leave him behind with absolutely nothing to his name, that was nice.

Ryan was one of the few people in the world that had a chance to completely reinvent themselves: his mum was off in another universe that he couldn’t get to along with his best friend and he was considered legally dead after Canary Wharf - something that the Doctor had slipped in the night before. Ryan knew that he shouldn’t be all that happy about that, but he couldn’t help himself. Rose Tyler was truly and fully gone and he would never have to worry about anyone connected to her ever again.

He awoke with a new fire in his chest, before it started falling into that icy feeling that it always did when he first woke up.

It was the fact that it was there at all that made his whole body freeze up. He’d been good at hiding how much it hurt in the past - he had been good about hiding all of this in the past - but now that he had the option to change things it hurt even more. That was something he was going to have to get used to it seemed. Ryan got up, sighed as he did so, and got ready. While doing that he realised that he didn’t have nearly as many clothes that he actually wanted to wear. He had been so focused on making everyone, including himself, believe that he was a woman.

Obviously, that hadn’t turned out the way he had wanted it to.

This was better though because now he wasn’t hiding behind a mask of a person that he wasn’t anymore. Now Ryan had a chance to actually be himself, fully. That was the best feeling in the entire world. Though, the wardrobe most certainly had to go, or at least be expanded upon.

“Oh, Ryan Tyler!” The voice of the Doctor rang out through the TARDIS making him groan slightly. Ryan knew that he had already been awake and it probably wasn’t even morning wherever they were in the vast expanse of space, but he hated needing to do things in the morning.

He shucked on some clothes that were the most appropriately presenting and walked out of his room. “Yes, Doctor?” Ryan turned the corner and there the Doctor was, standing with a massive grin on his face and things in his hands. “What’s all that?”

“This, this is going to blow your 2005 brain.”

“Oi, what is that supposed to mean?” Ryan didn’t know what the Doctor was on about. “It can’t be that surprising, not even an alien species could surprise me no-”

The Doctor pulled out something that looked like a shortened tank top, thrusting it into Ryan’s hands. “Try it on. Future technology, quite amazing really all the things you humans can think up.”

Ryan was still inspecting it as the Doctor started pushing him back to his room, “Are you going to tell me what it is?”

“Nope, just try it on, you’ll get the picture soon enough.”

He decided not to push any further and relented to move back into his room, closing the door behind him. Ryan really didn’t want the Doctor to see him in any sort of compromising position. He shucked off his shirt, trying to figure out what it was by reading the tag - that was when his heart stopped beating in the best sort of way. Frantically, and after tripping over a few things, he tugged the piece of fabric on. The Doctor had practically read his mind. The day was just getting better and better it seemed.

Ryan tossed his shirt back on and nearly sprinted out of the bedroom, a smile across his face. It was flat, for the first time in his life looking in the mirror wasn’t the absolute worst thing in the world - he actually recognized a part of himself. It was wonderful, amazing, all those great sorts of adjectives. He didn’t know what to say in thanks; he wasn’t even sure if there were enough words in the world or the infiniteness that was space and time that would explain just how thankful he was that the Doctor would give him something like this.

“So, did you li-” The man didn’t get to finish his sentence. Ryan jumped forward, wrapping the taller in a hug. The Doctor was quick to catch him, just like he always did, and hugged back just as fiercely. Once more Ryan felt the flatness between them, the difference that the thin piece of fabric made. It wasn’t perfect, but he doubted that many things ever were, but it was something, something that made his heart swell with joy and his mind be unable to process his joy at a speed fast enough to form words for.

It was one of the best gifts someone had ever given him. There was no way that anything would be able to top it. “Thank you.” It was the only thing he could muster; it wasn’t enough - it would never be enough, but it was the best he could do.

Ryan thought the Doctor got the message loud and clear since he hugged back even tighter. “If you think this is great, just wait ‘till you hear about what else you can do.”

They broke apart, though their hands were still together before Ryan took his back. He didn’t need to be thinking about that at the moment. “There’s other things I can do?”

The Doctor nodded excitedly. “I’ll explain it over breakfast, come on.”

Ryan followed him, trying to figure out what else there could possibly be that he could do.

Breakfast was great, though he was still trying to get used to wearing the chest binder, the constricting feeling both being utterly great and a little uncomfortable. He loved it too much to even think about taking it off though, it was too amazing to even think about taking off.

“So, what were the other things you were talking about?”

The Doctor looked up from whatever he was messing around with this time. “Right, well, there’s a few other things you can do, especially because of future technology and all of that.” He started getting consumed in his work again.

“Doctor. Doctor!”

“Right!” The Doctor had it in himself to finally push his work away, Ryan wanted to shove it off the table if that meant that he would stop getting distracted. “There’s a lot of improvements with hormone replacement therapy, surgery - all different kinds - vocal training-” the list went on and on. The more Ryan heard the more he couldn’t believe it. All the things that he could do, all the options right at his fingertips with the Doctor by his side. He hadn’t even known about most of them, they seemed like figments of the imagination.

“Hormone replacement therapy?” He asked, trying to pick up the pieces.

The Doctor nodded, “Oh yeah, you’d probably want testosterone unless I’m reading the room incorrectly?”

Ryan shook his head, “No, no, you’re right. I can do that though, like it’s an option?”

The Doctor’s face softened which didn’t do anything to help his racing heart. “Of course. We can do a bit of tweaking everything, make sure that it’s alright, but I don’t see any reason as to why you wouldn’t.” He wanted to cry, nearly was about to. “Come here.”

He relented, falling into the Doctor’s chest, listening to his two hearts beat. “Is there anything else you’d want, anything at all?”

Ryan thought about it for a moment, “It’s silly, but a haircut would be nice.” He had been thinking about it for a long time, and now that the opportunity was there the thought wouldn’t leave his mind - just like his chest. Now that he had the option to change it, the ability to, it was the only thing he wanted to do.

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair, “Not silly at all, shall we?”

He leaned back, looking the Doctor up and down, “Shall we?”

“Why not?” He said, shrugging, “I’m sure it can’t be that hard. I’ve done loads of different things in my life, I’m sure that a haircut is going to be the one thing I’m bad at.” The Doctor got up, looking around the galley for some sort of scissors.

“One thing.” Ryan retorted sarcastically.

“Ha, ha, very funny.”

He decided to finish off the rest of his breakfast, thinking of how he wanted his hair styled. Anything shorter was better than what he had now, maybe bangs? He hadn’t had those in a while. If he ended up completely hating it at least the only person to see him would be the Doctor - that was some sort of consolation.

The Doctor emerged once more, scissors in hands. They most certainly weren’t hair cutting scissors, but the sight of them still made his face break out into a grin. “Alright, welcome Mr. Tyler-” Ryan hadn’t realised how amazing that sounded, “-to the salon de Doctor.”

“Very original.”

“Hush. You’re about to get the best haircut of your entire life and you’re insulting me? How rude.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. No matter how horrible it came out, if it was horrible, it would be the best haircut in his life because it would be short. Once more he would have that moment when he looked in the mirror and felt like the person that looked back was really him.

The Doctor grabbed onto his hand and whisked him away, placing him in front of a mirror in a room that Ryan didn’t recognise. He could probably walk the entire TARDIS a million times and still find places that he hadn’t noticed the first time. It really was bigger on the inside.

Ryan looked in the mirror. The person staring back at him didn’t feel like him anymore: that was a different person, that was Rose and in fifteen minutes he was going to become a bit more of Ryan. Everything was getting better by the moment. The first sound of the scissors closing rang through the room and Ryan watched a piece of blond hair fall to the ground. It was still a bit surreal.

More hair fell; he held onto a piece of it. There was something melancholy about leaving that part of his life behind, but he was also quite happy to do so. This was something that needed to be done, something he deserved.

Finally, the sound stopped and Ryan opened his eyes - not noticing that they had fallen closed. His hand came up to his mouth as he looked himself over in the mirror. His hair fell to his eyes, swiping across his forehead. It was a bit choppier than he would have expected from an actual hairdresser, but that was probably because the Doctor of all people had done it. It wasn’t bad at all - in all honesty - it was utterly perfect.

“Do you like it?” The Doctor asked, sounding somewhat hesitant.

Ryan grinned, turning behind him.

His heart jumped when he realised how close they were, meer inches between their faces. He quickly turned around again, not wanting his mind to travel in such a direction. The Doctor didn’t like him like that, it was better to pretend like he didn’t either. “I love it.”

“Truthfully?” The Doctor sounded a bit nervous to hear his reaction.

Ryan nodded, “Completely.”

Before he could say anything else, there was a crashing coming from the main room of the TARDIS. The two shared a look for a brief second before running out.

Nothing he’d ever seen before could have prepared him for that moment. “Where the hell am I?” A woman in a wedding dress shouted at the top of her lungs. Yeah, nothing prepared Ryan for that.

Chapter Text

Donna had been quite the character, and Ryan was sad to see her go, but it was nice to have the Doctor to himself again. He didn’t like admitting that, it made his stomach turn sour - something twisted inside of him that he absolutely hated - but he couldn’t help it. Part of him saw the Doctor as an extension of himself. They had been through so much together, so many horrible and wonderful things, that it was hard to think that anyone else would be able to understand him like Ryan did.

Of course, he knew that he wasn’t the first companion that the Doctor had, and he probably wouldn’t be the last, but he was alright with what they had now, not wanting to give it up for the world. So who could blame him when he got a bit excited when the Doctor turned around and asked where Ryan wanted to go next.

They had actually taken a bit of a rest, since Ryan didn’t feel all that great. He told himself - and the Doctor - that it was nothing. It was probably just a cold, and he wasn’t going to subject himself to the ramblings and endless tests of the other just because his head hurt and he got a little queasy. It was just a passing bug that would be over before he even knew it. That didn’t stop the Doctor from fretting over him though.

“I’m telling you, it’s nothing to worry about. Give me a day or so and I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Ryan said for what felt like the millionth time. It truly wasn’t that big of a deal.

So far the two of them had been stalking around the console room of the TARDIS, the Doctor following Ryan around with a subtle glare on his face like he couldn’t believe him in the slightest. “Just let me check, just a small check to make sure everything’s up in order.” His frown deepened as he fiddled with a lever, “You humans are so fragile you know, there’s so many things that could hurt you, kill you even-” the word sounded hard for him to say “-and yet… Yet you still go out and do all these incredible things.”

Ryan smirked, “Does this mean you’ll let it go?”

“Nah.” The Doctor resumed his pacing, “Where’s the fun in all of that, no sir; I’m not going to stop until you get yourself sorted out.”

Ryan groaned, “Tomorrow then, if this isn’t sorted out by tomorrow then you can do all the tests you want.”

The Doctor’s eyes lit up, “Really?”

He was already regretting his words, “Yes. Now how about we think about what we’re going to do today.”

It was quiet for a moment, which always struck fear in him when he was around the Doctor; that man? Quiet? He must be plotting something horrible if that was the case.

As if he read Ryan’s mind, a devilish smirk appeared on his face. “I know just the place. Oh you’re just going to love it!” He even jumped up, the hyperactive twat that he was, and began pulling levels, pushing buttons, and doing all sorts of things that Ryan had never fully figured out. He doubted that the Doctor even knew what he was doing most of the time, seeing with the amount of times they had ended up in the wrong place, and century. There was a focused look on the Doctor’s face, like there normally was, but there was something different about it this time.

It was in the way his eyes seemed to glitter, the way his mouth formed that thin line that meant he was really concentrating on what he was doing. Ryan thought it was gorgeous, well, he thought the Doctor was gorgeous in any circumstance.

He knew that the other had been nervous after his regeneration, thinking that maybe Ryan would hate him now that he looked like a different person, but he was all the same: he knew that. The ‘man’ was still the same old Doctor, just looked a bit different.

Ryan swallowed.

He wondered if that was how the Doctor saw him, if he thought that Ryan was the same person just looking a bit different. It wasn’t as big of a change as the other, nor was it as much as he would have wanted, but it was noticeable. It was noticeable in his physical appearance, in the slight changes he had been able to make in such a short amount of time, it was even different in the way he spoke and held himself now that he wasn’t trying to be someone that he wasn’t. But he was still fearful that the Doctor saw him as Rose, as the woman he had started their journey with.

But Ryan wasn’t Rose, not fully, there would always be a part of her in him, because she was still important, but he felt like a new person now.

The TARDIS jerked some, and Ryan clung onto the first surface he could. The Doctor laughed out, a wild expression on his face. He sighed internally: even that was beautiful.

Just as quickly as it had begun, the jerking stopped, and Ryan could stand on his own two feet again. “When are we now?”

The Doctor had a strange sort of smile on his face, equal parts nervous and excited - Ryan had gotten fairly good at differentiating between his different microexpressions. “Well, why don’t you look for yourself?”

Ryan rolled his eyes, but he still went to the door, now extremely curious as to where the Doctor had taken them. Hopefully it was where they were meant to be. Ryan had to step outside the TARDIS and walk down the alleyway some to fully figure out where they were. The brick buildings felt familiar as he put his hands to them, the way the air flowed and smelled. They must still be in Britain somewhere. He marched down further, the sound of a crowd growing louder and louder.

It hit him all at once, immediately. Tears came to Ryan’s eyes as he realised the kind of place where he was. It was still London, but it wasn’t his London, this was London long ago, decades - but it was beautiful. There were people marching in the streets, chanting out, cheering in a way that made his heart clench in his chest.

Ryan could only stand at the edge of the alley and watch, not knowing if he should step in or not.

It was Pride.

He tried to look around to figure out when he was, thankfully someone had plastered dates all over the banners: 1972. Ryan didn’t know as much history as he should, the amount that he wanted, but something about seeing that number, seeing the figures in the street, made him fill with such joy that there was nothing in the world that could bring him down.

The Doctor strutted up behind him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “London, 1972, the first London Pride March.”

“The first…” The words barely felt real in his mouth. This was such an amazing moment in history, and Ryan was there. He had been through many different parts of history, stepped onto alien planets, been to the edge of a black hole and watched as stars exploded, but there was something about this place that made him feel so alive, so overjoyed, that those places hadn’t brought.

The Doctor grabbed onto his hand, “Come on! We’re at London Pride, let’s go march!” Ryan didn’t stop him from pulling him along further, the two of them rushing out of the alleyway and out into the street.

It was even better when they got there.

The sounds, the sights, everything around him made him feel even more excited, more at home. Ryan never thought that he would go to someone such as this - he hadn’t thought that he would ever even be out - but now he was experiencing both of those things all at once. It was better than he could have ever imagined.

“You alright?” The Doctor asked, voice laced with concern.

Ryan blinked away a few tears that he hadn’t realised had fallen past his lashes. He wiped his cheeks, shaking his head. “No, no I’m alright, it’s just… wow. I can’t believe that I’m here and there’s so many people.”

The Doctor chuckled, “It’s amazing isn’t it. All of these people gathered in one place, they’re all so different, but at the same time they’ve found a sense of community in each other.” Ryan looked up at him, peering past the facade of the Doctor and behind those eyes, deep inside his mind. He wondered if the other felt just as home here as he did. Of course, he wasn’t human and despite living amongst them for so long, having companions that were human, there were a lot of things that the Doctor didn’t understand about humans. But, well, maybe this was one of those things that he did understand, that he understood more than anything.

Their hands were still intertwined, and neither of them did anything to change that.

They walked across the sidewalk at first, just observing. It was apparent that this was a protest, that there were many strides that had yet to be taken, which hurt immensely. There were dozens of people with signs, some of them just simple pieces of scrap cardboard scribbled on with markers, but the words on them were just as striking as anything else.

There were banners about Stonewall, The Gay Switchboard, the Gay Liberation Front. Gay pride was plastered everywhere, more than Ryan had ever seen before.

What hit him was a group of individuals with a transexual banner in front of them. There seemed to be a bit of otherness about them, the way that even some of the other marchers avoided them, even sending glares their way. Ryan tried his best to ignore it. He knew that that was where he wanted to be, with that group, holding the banner right alongside them. The Doctor took notice and before he knew it the two of them were walking right towards them.

“Hello, love!” Someone in a shining red dress and stage-ready makeup called out to him. “This your first march, you seem a bit nervous.”

Ryan nodded, “Um, yes, first anything really.”

“Is that your boyfriend with you, he a newbie as well?”

He quickly became mortified, “No, no, no it’s not like that, he just, well, we’re just mates.”

The woman gave him a look that made Ryan pale, “No use hiding now, you’re in the mix now.”

“Sinead!” Another voice called out from behind them. The woman - Sinead - looked between the banner she was helping hold and the calling voice. “Could you be a dear and hold this for me, just for a second?”

She didn’t wait for Ryan to respond before putting the pole in his hands and rushing off.

He was a bit taken aback. “Well then.”

The Doctor let out a laugh, “That’s one way to do it.”

Ryan didn’t mention anything else about what Sinead had said about the Doctor being his boyfriend. Something about the way she had said it made his heart flutter, but he knew that he shouldn’t be thinking that way. They were just mates, that was all they ever had been and that was all they were going to be. Besides, sure the Doctor was a Time Lord and such and he said that gender and all of that stuff was different for the species, but there was the possibility that he wouldn’t want to be with a man.

It was better to think that way then to have his heart crushed by the best man in his life.

They continued down the way, Ryan still holding up half of the banner. The march never lost its charm, making it even more magical. He knew that there were other people on the streets that were shouting vile things at them, but they were drowned out by the chants of the marchers.

He was thankful that the Doctor had brought him here, the thought kept circling in his mind.

As they got to the end of the path the reality of the situation finally hit him.

The banner had been taken from his hands a half a mile back, so he and the Doctor had been making their way through the rest of the march. It was strange,the amount of people that looked at him and saw him as a man, it was wanted of course, but Ryan had never experienced anything like it in his life so the fact that it was actually happening… he didn’t fully know what to do.

The amount of people who assumed that the Doctor was his boyfriend didn’t help his mush filled head either.

That wasn’t going to happen. Ryan had to come to terms with that, but the way that the Doctor looked at him, the way that he had brought him here so that Ryan could be in a place that was so wonderful, he let himself hope that it would.

Chapter Text

Ryan didn’t know how he felt about Martha coming along with them.

On one hand, he knew how much the Doctor liked bringing people along on his adventures, even if he didn’t want to admit it, got lonely sometimes and having people around helped to dismiss that. Ryan was slightly selfish though, something he had come to terms with when Sarah Jane came around that one time.

Ryan wouldn’t be too harsh about it all if he didn’t know what had happened between Martha and the Doctor back in the hospital - the Doctor had kissed Martha. He knew that it was all part of a plan, that there weren't any romantic sort of feelings about it, but that didn’t stop him from wondering. Martha was falling for the Doctor so hard that it was painfully obvious to Ryan; it hurt, more than anything else.

He knew that he didn’t have any claim over the other, he was a free ‘man’, could do whatever he wanted, but part of Ryan felt wronged by it all. He didn’t want to hate Martha - she seemed like a great woman - but he couldn’t stop the jealous streak from rising up inside of him. It made him feel like an utterly horrible person. The Doctor could go around and do whatever he wanted, be with whoever he wanted, but… but Ryan still wanted the Doctor to choose him. Even if they weren’t romantic, if there wasn’t that kind of love between them, Ryan had sworn that he was going to be with the Doctor forever - and he meant forever.

Ryan and Martha had had a few conversations and interactions since the other joined aboard the TARDIS, most of them the Doctor was also there, but not this time, this time it was just the two of them. The Doctor had been locked away in some other part of the TARDIS for nearly a full day now, doing something that Ryan knew nothing about. He had thought about locking himself away as well - to avoid Martha - as horrible as it sounded it would have been a lot more relaxing and less stressful than what he was doing now.

He had decided to make lunch for the two of them, which meant talking to Martha as to what she wanted. At least that conversation had been easier.

She was still a bit naive to what the Doctor truly got up to around the universe and time. She had this look upon her face that was full of wonder and awe - not that Ryan didn’t still get that because he had seen some amazing things throughout his travels with the Doctor, but he also knew that tragedy could come: at any time something horrible could happen and take away the wonder. Ryan had come accustomed to that.

He sat in front of Martha, peering down at his plate and gripping onto his glass with a grip so tight that he was afraid that glass was going to shatter.

“So, you and the Doctor, you’ve been around him for a while then?”

Ryan looked up from his barely touched plate. “Uh, I guess so.” He didn’t know how to explain it all. Sometimes he couldn’t place how long the two of them had been travelling together since days didn’t work the same as they did to the normal person, all the times that they had been on alien planets, when they had quite literally been in another universe. Ryan could barely place how much time had been between when Martha had shown up and today.

How could he even begin to explain that the Doctor had seemed to be an entirely different person the first time he had met him, and for a good while after that? How could Ryan talk about those things with a woman he had barely met and who was still naive as to what was going to happen if she kept travelling with the Doctor.

Martha still had a smile on her face though, even as Ryan looked conflicted, “So, where have you two gone?” She was leaning over the table, far too excited. “The moon was absolutely wicked, I can’t imagine where else you two have been.”

Ryan downed some of his water, mentally trying to prepare himself. “We’ve been all over really, lots of different times on Earth, 70s, 80s, 1800s, the year five billion…” There were loads more of course, there were always going to be more, but Ryan didn’t know how much he could say. Something about the fantastical look on Martha’s face made him a bit queasy.

“That all sounds amazing.”

Ryan took another breath, trying his best to force a smile, “It is.” It was; he wasn’t going to lie about that. It was amazing the places he had seen, the people he had met, but at the same time so many horrible things had happened as well. But… but Ryan never blamed the Doctor for any of it, it wasn’t his fault that Daleks had tried to take over the world or that Cypermen completely screwed with time and space. The Doctor had always tried to fix it, all of it, but sometimes the bad things still happened.

“Ryan Tyler!” Speak of the Devil. “Oh you are going to love this!” The Doctor burst into the room, a vial of something in his hand. His glasses were askew on his face, a crazed smile across his mouth. Just as suddenly as he burst in, his expression fell as he looked around the room. “Oh, hello Martha.” The Doctor looked between the two for a few moments.

“Is something happening?” Martha asked.

“Um, well-” The Doctor shut himself up, looking only at Ryan now. “It’s for you.” He handed Ryan the vial, there was writing across it that he could only barely make out. When he did though, it was like all of the pieces clicked into place - even the ones that he didn’t have before.

Ryan’s mouth fell open; he held the bottle like it was some sort of precious, ancient artefact. To Ryan it was even more important than that, it was the most wonderful thing in the world.

In that little vial was his access to a whole new world, a world that meant he was going to be able to be the person that he had wanted to be for so long.

“What is it?” Martha asked, her voice laced with confusion and a whole lot of gleefulness. She was still very excited to be joining the two of them. Both of their faces must have fallen though because she leaned back in her seat slightly, looking like she made a mistake. “I don’t mean to pry, of course, I’m just curious.”

Ryan looked between the bottle and the Doctor. The Doctor shrugged, “I won’t say a word.” He turned back to look at Martha, the vial still tight in his hands. This was all up to him, if he wanted to say anything or not. Part of him didn’t, not at all. As far as Martha knew he was just like every other guy - she must have noticed that he wasn’t exactly like them, but it wasn’t as though she had gone around asking personal questions or anything. Ryan could keep this completely to himself, to pretend like he really was just a cisgender.

The other part of him remembered the parade, what it felt like to be open about himself, to be completely himself. That meant being trans, it always had. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a split second before opening them once more. “It’s testosterone.”

Martha’s brow furrowed, “What do you need that for?”

“Because I’m transgender.”

It was quiet, and for a moment Ryan thought that Martha hated him, that he had made the completely wrong decision and now he was going to pay for it. The time between then and dropping Martha back on Earth would be quite awkward. “Oh, well then, good for you.”

Ryan tried not to make a big deal out of the response, even if he was internally freaking out that she didn’t seem phased by it at all.

The Doctor took the vial back, pulling Ryan along with him, “Glad we’ve got all that sorted, now come on Mr. Tyler, I believe you have an appointment!”

He knew there were going to be needled, that was the entire point of an injection, but seeing it made everything a lot worse. Ryan trusted the Doctor, even with something like this, but it was still a little nauseating. The other had offered that Ryan do it himself, but he wasn’t sure that he would actually be able to do that. His hands were shaking too much, his heart was racing, he’d probably end up doing the entire thing wrong.

That was why the Doctor had taken over completely.

“You’ve got to relax, okay, it’s going to be over before you even know it.”

“I know that, it’s just… that’s a really big needle.” There couldn’t be a real reason as to why it had to be like that, no reason at all, but the Doctor hadn’t gone along and changed anything.

The Doctor nearly looked like he was about to roll his eyes, “It’s not that bad. Look, grip onto my shoulder as I do it. I won’t complain or anything.” He would later, Ryan knew that, but he still held onto the Doctor’s shoulder.

It was one of those selfish things that he did, the things that made him annoyed with himself. Ryan kept thinking that maybe the two of them could do something, that the small things that happened between them actually meant something, but he couldn’t fool himself. The Doctor didn’t want him like that.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to think about the needle that was sliding into his skin.

“And we’re done!”

Ryan opened his eyes hesitantly, a bit confused as to what had happened. “You did it?” The Doctor waved his hand, “It’s actually been done, but you were so nervous that you didn’t even feel it happen.”

“I wasn’t that scared,” he huffed.

“No, you were quite brave about it.” The Doctor said, rubbing knee.

It was bare skin, it had needed to be since Ryan’s injection went in his thigh. He hadn’t thought too much about it, just changing into a pair of shorts, but now… Yeah, now Ryan was really thinking about it and he determined that that wasn’t healthy of him to do at all.

He hoped that the Doctor didn’t realise that his face had gone red or that his hands were clammy now or that his heart was racing. If he were to figure out any of those things then he would recognise what was going on. Ryan couldn’t have that happening.

For now he tried to focus on what had just happened. He had gotten his first ever testosterone shot, he was starting to medically transition, there were loads of great things happening that he shouldn’t even have time to think about the relationship between him and the Doctor: a relationship which was not going to happen.

The Doctor stood up and the touch was gone. “Alright, you’ll start getting some beginning changes in about a month or so, but there’s no definite timeline since everyone’s different.”

“What about my voice, or my appearance?” He wanted it to be instant, but he knew that that was impossible with the route they were going - though it was probably the safest.

The Doctor looked him over, obviously wanting to do further examination since Ryan’s mystery illness still hadn’t left completely. “Around three months. I’ll warn you though, it’s basically like going through a second puberty so there’s voice cracking and all.”

Ryan should have hated that, he shouldn’t have wanted to go through the negatives, but there was something alluring about it still. He wanted to go through everything he hadn’t gotten the chance growing up female - he wanted the good and the bad because that was what real life was like.

“I can’t wait.”

Chapter Text

The Doctor had told him that he had found something wonderful, something that Ryan would be over the moon about. When he heard the news though… He wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

See, the Doctor had found a way for him to see his mother again.

It should have been impossible, there should have been no way for him to be able to do that, no way in the slightest. From what Ryan knew, whatever it was that separated his universe and his mum’s should be closed - it never should be opened again. The Doctor had warned against it, it was part of the reason he had been so adamant on getting Ryan to go to Pete’s World in the first place: he knew that Ryan would miss his mum, which was true.

But Ryan knew that if he had gone that he would have hated it. He never would have been able to come out; he never would have been able to live the life that he had now and he thought the sacrifice was worth it. More than worth it. To have the chance to say a proper goodbye though, to be able to look his mum in the eye last time and remind her how much he loved her? Ryan couldn’t give up the opportunity - no matter how terrifying it was to go along with.

Because here was the thing: he had been out for quite a bit of time now, had been on testosterone for a couple of weeks - still no clear changes but it had only been a short amount of time - and now he was fearful that if he saw his mum that she wouldn’t recognise him. Of course, he knew that that wouldn’t be the case. He hadn’t changed that much, but there were some obvious differences. Like his hair, she would definitely notice that, no doubt about it.

But how to explain it, that was the real question. Ryan wasn’t even all that sure if he wanted to.

He pondered it over with the Doctor one night, it was just the two of them. Martha was already asleep. As much as Ryan enjoyed the woman’s presence, he liked the times when it was just him and the Doctor even more so. It was just like old times, a reminder of what life was like just a few months ago before Martha had joined ship. When it was just them, the Doctor was more open, more honest; he would share things that he wouldn’t typically share - a trait that was getting suspiciously more common.

He never used to be this open, but whenever Ryan thought about bringing up the subject he’d stop himself. It was nice that the other was doing this and he would rather not lose it. This was their special time together when they breached that barrier that they put up during the day. When it was just them the lines became blurred and neither of them could figure out why they had set them up anyway.

“What do I tell her?”

The Doctor shifted in his seat. They were on a sofa together, closer than friends ought to be, but neither of them wanted to say that that was the case. “Well, you could tell her the truth, if you wanted to, she’s your mother I’m sure she’ll understand.”

But she wouldn’t, not fully. The Doctor had been through time so much, been to different planets, that sometimes he forgot how things worked on Earth. The last year his mother remembered was the early 2000s, a place that wasn’t known to be super accepting of people like Ryan. There was the chance that his mum would be completely baffled, or worse, that she would hate him.

He rested his head against the Doctor’s shoulder. “I don’t want the last conversation we ever have to be an argument. I don’t want her to hate me after.”

The Doctor shook his head, “She won’t hate you.”

“But she could.”

Ryan knew that she could and didn’t allow himself to believe anything else. It was the truth, as horrible as it was, that was what he had to remember going into this.

The night was still young, so the two of them stayed on the sofa together, tucked next to each other in a way that typical waking hours wouldn’t allow for. Ryan looked out into the darkness of the room, trying to figure out what he would say to his mother for the last time. How does someone come up with words like that? How can someone figure out what their final words should be?

He shouldn’t have to think about those things, nobody ever should, but he did, and was going to figure out what he was going to say. The Doctor had told him he had a bit of time before the day finally came, but with each hour he spent pondering over his words, it was another closer to the actual event itself.

Ryan couldn’t waste any moment once he got to talk to his mother, every word that he said had to mean something. The Doctor told him that he would only have a few minutes at most, the system they were playing with was a dangerous one, immensely risky, and staying longer than that could mean catastrophe for both universes. So, he had to keep it brisk, but meaningful, tell his mother a million things while only having seconds to do so.

It was no easy feat, not in the slightest, but it was one that Ryan had to take on or else he was going to waste his last moments with his mother.

The Doctor’s hand brushed against his shoulder, and Ryan’s breath settled, his heart slowing to a normal pace. It was going to be okay. Even if it went terribly, the Doctor would be there after and be able to console him. Ryan hoped that it wouldn’t come to that, he would hate for his mum to hate him for the rest of time, but he had to know that it was still a possibility.

*****

“Are you ready?” The Doctor asked him. Martha was standing at the other end of the room, a concerned look on her face; she didn’t know the full story, but she had to understand that something important and terrifying was going on.

Ryan stood straight near the middle of the room, the Doctor had told him to do so. His mother would be able to see him, not touch, but she would still see him. She would be able to see the changes that were going on with him: he just hoped she didn’t comment on them. He nodded, not trusting his words yet. Those would be saved for his mum.

Buttons were pressed, all those sounds of the TARDIS spurring up and doing whatever it was that she did. Ryan never really understood how it all worked, he just nodded alone whenever the Doctor started ranting about it.

He squeezed his eyes shut, fearful of what he would see when he opened them.

“Rose?”

Ryan shouldn’t have been surprised. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to wallow in his own self pity, to take himself out of the joy that was seeing his mum again. “Oh Rose, it really is you.”

In that moment Ryan made a decision that he might have regretted later, but it felt like the only one that would work, the only one that felt even a little bit right.

“It is.”

He wasn’t going to tell her. It was an idea that he had been contemplating since the Doctor had told him that this was all possible, but it wasn’t one that he really wanted to go along with. Ryan had wanted to tell her, he really had, but there were the facts of it all that he hadn’t wanted to think about but that continuously kept popping up in his head.

His mum walked up to him, “I never thought I’d be able to see you again,” a little closer now, “Can I?”

Ryan shook his head, “It’s like a hologram, that’s what the Doctor said anyway.”

“Is he keeping you safe? Cause if he isn’t I’ll find a way to get back and-”

“He’s doing great, mum.” All of the things he wanted to say, all the things he had thought about, they were all wiped from his mind. His eyes began to burn. Ryan wished he could hug his mother, could hold her again, just one last time - but that wasn’t possible. He ought to stop thinking about it in order to keep himself sane.

His mum smiled at him, “You’ve changed a bit.” He wished she wouldn’t have said that, it would mean coming up with a lie. Ryan didn’t want to lie to his mother, but he knew that it was for the best. It was always going to be for the best. “Cut your hair off?”

Ryan choked back tears. “I did.”

“It looks nice.”

He could tell that she wasn’t the biggest fan about it, so he wouldn’t say anything more about it. She wouldn’t know that everytime she watched a strand fall to the ground the weight fell off his shoulders, that when he looked in the mirror after he felt much more like himself - more than he ever had. “Thank you.” And that would be the end of that, it would have to be.

His mum reached forward, but flinched back once she remembered that she wouldn’t be able to touch him. “I have some big news.”

Ryan raised a brow, “What is it? Everything’s okay right?”

She nodded, “Everything’s fine, Rose -” the name sounded like nails on a chalkboard “-You’re going to be a big sister.”

The tears dripped from his eyes, letting his emotions flow freely. “Really?”

His mum nodded, “Yeah, little brother. We’re thinking of naming him Tony.”

He was going to sob, to break down and not care what anyone thought of him because of it. “That’s-” he was sobbing now, “That’s amazing, mum.”

There was something dark in his chest as soon as he heard the child would be a boy. He was jealous, he felt horrible about it, but Ryan felt jealous that this child would be getting the life growing up that he hadn’t gotten, the life that he could have been. Tony was getting to play with trucks and superheroes - do all those things that he hadn’t gotten. He’d grow up being able to take his shirt off at the beach, he wouldn’t be told that he should do dance instead of sports, he’d play those “boy” videogames and read comic books and watch boy movies.

Ryan didn’t want to hate this child, he didn’t hate him, but Ryan wished that he had gotten all of those things that he had never had.

He wouldn’t say a thing though. Ryan would keep his mouth shut about it because he wanted his mum to be happy and to think that he was happy too. “Are you alright, honey? I know this is hard news but… I just wanted you to know.”

Ryan shook his head, “No, it’s great news, I’m really happy for you. He’s going to have the best parents in the entire universe, well, in every universe.”

His mum smiled at him, “I love you so much, Rose, you’re the best daughter that a mother could ever ask for.”

He was a liar.

“You’re the best mum anyone could ever ask for.” He knew that his time was running out. “I only have a few minutes left. I want you to know that I love you, I love you so much and you’ve made me into the person I am today.” More tears were flowing out of his eyes, but he couldn’t stop them, “This is the next step for both of us. I hope that you’re happy with Pete and Tony and everyone there, and I just know you will be because you’re such an amazing person.” Time was running out, he could tell, the Doctor was telling him. “I love you mum, I always will.”

Those were the last words he said to his mum. Ryan didn’t tell her about the thing he had been grappling with. The Doctor looked at him with a shocked expression, but it quickly softened when he realised how distraught he looked. He rushed over to him, wrapping Ryan in his arms. “You did what you thought was right.”

“I didn’t want her to mourn someone she just met. I’m leaving Rose behind me and… that was a big step.”

The Doctor’s arms were tight around him.

Chapter Text

Ryan knew that staying in 1913 was something that they needed to do, that it would help them all overall - especially the Doctor, but that didn’t mean he had to exactly like it. In fact, he very much did not like it and would rather that they hid out anywhere else.

The Doctor wasn’t even the Doctor anymore, he was John Smith - the most basic and boring name to ever exist. He didn’t know a singular thing about his previous life, he didn’t know who he really was, he had grown into a bit of a prick actually with some of the things that he had said in the recent past. He wasn’t the man that Ryan knew anymore, and it made his heart ache.

The Doctor was one of the most wonderful people in his life, and now he was gone. He was only meant to be gone for a little bit of time, but every day that passed was another that he wasn’t the Doctor. That hurt him so hard in his chest.

The only person that was keeping him together, who was keeping him sane was Martha. She was struggling just as much as Ryan was, in some ways even more. They would meet up at the end of the day: Martha finishing her duties as a maid and Ryan with his as a groundskeeper. They’d complain about things, coming up with plans for the next day as a way to just get through it, and talk about the Doctor.

Those were always the conversations that made his heart flutter in a way, the kinds that made him wonder if they should be having them. He knew that Martha had feelings for the Doctor, the romantic sort, and so did Ryan. What he knew was that Martha had a better chance then he did because she was, well, yeah. He didn’t want to think about all of those things either.

In retrospect there were a lot of things that Ryan didn’t want to talk about.

Martha was wonderful, beautiful, perfect, and he couldn’t even be mad if the Doctor ended up falling for her - if he hadn’t already. The Doctor didn’t need to worry about the details of identity with Martha, not like he did with Ryan.

Ryan shook his head as he walked through the gardens surrounding the school that he called his home for the next however knew how long.

Living in the early 1900s wasn’t easy in the slightest, especially not for him. There were many things that he couldn’t go along with, the antics that the other groundskeepers got up to. He had to make sure that nobody would find out who he was. Having something this big for him to hide was terrifying. It was one thing to just not talk about it, to “hide” himself in different times just for a few hours, this was something completely different. It was months and months of hiding day in and day out. The only one that knew was Martha, and she was trying her best to make sure that Ryan was kept sane.

He hadn’t been able to keep up with his testosterone shots, which was hurting him emotionally. Martha helped him to forget about it as much as he could, but it hurt to have something as amazing come so quickly and then be taken away just as fast. The changes that he had been loving so much had stopped, and he was waiting when he would finally be able to experience them again.

The wind blew through the area, the grass flowing and leaves drifting through the air. It was such a calming place. He could run away from the rest of the school for a moment, forgetting about the troubles that were happening to him - that were happening to those around him as well.

He told himself that he just needed to get through another month or so, after that, everything would be over and normal life could continue - as normal as his life could be.

The routine that he had built for himself could continue - he could continue, with everything, all those things that they didn’t have in 1913 that he had grown to rely on so heavily. Just a bit more time.

Aside from the crippling self-hatred and dysphoria that he was experiencing, it was actually quite nice to get away from having to deal with alien species trying to kill them or near death experiences. Sure, the entire reason they had gotten into this mess was because of just that, but having a bit of time to himself was nice. That was how Ryan was trying to justify it all and keep himself sane so that he didn’t lose his mind completely while he was stuck in the past. At least he wasn’t actually stuck, just… paused. That was a better way to look at it.

Some of the boys at the school were actually nice enough to him: nobody had suspected anything about Ryan’s identity so far, and if they had they hadn’t voiced any sort of concerns, which was nice, he didn’t think he would be able to deal with that on top of everything else at the moment. One boy, Timothy, reminded him a bit of himself, as odd as it was. Sadly, many of the other boys took advantage of him, he was smaller, younger looking, and the older boys teased him for it. Ryan tried his best to cheer the boy up whenever he would see him.

Recently though, he had been alluding just about everyone, sneaking off into dim hallways and the like. Ryan didn’t think much about it, maybe he was just tired of having to wait on the bid of the other boys.

But then Martha told him something, something that was very, very bad and that risked the two of them getting stuck in the past forever, or worse, killed by the Family. It was possible, and Ryan really didn’t want to think about it, but if that watch got into the wrong hands then everything was over. The Doctor may never be the Doctor again. He would forever be stuck as a human, living out the rest of his life as someone that he wasn’t.

He would actually have an end - something that didn’t seem possible either.

Ryan was utterly freaking out.

The fob watch was gone, the Family was actually after them now, and the school was at risk of complete and total warfare. They were just kids, kids with guns being told to fight something that wouldn’t die. Many of them weren’t even seventeen yet, and now they were being told to put down their lives for something as absurd as a school.

Ryan didn’t care how horrible it sounded, she’d rather the school fall and all the students run than a bunch of fourteen-year-olds taking up arms and shooting at animated scarecrows that would kill them without hesitation.

The worst part was that the Doctor - no, this was John Smith. John was saying that they should do so. He had seen the looks in both Ryan and Martha’s eyes and yet still told them to do so. The man that Ryan knew wouldn’t do that.

The three of them marched through the school, the two of them trying to plead with the husk of a person in front of them. “Please, we’re going to make this right but you can’t let them do this!”

“It’s their duty.”

“They’re children!” Martha shouted. “You’re the Doctor, you’re meant to be the one out there fighting so why don't you remember that and do it!” Ryan knew that he wouldn’t.

The person in front of them wasn’t the Doctor.

John turned around, a look of anguish on his face. “I’m not whatever doctor you speak of. My name is John Smith, I’m a professor here, I-”

“Am going to snap out of it,” Ryan pleaded. “We’ll find the watch and you’ll become the Doctor again and help fix this.”

“No,” his face tightened, a stern expression falling over it. “I won’t.”

He stormed off before Ryan could stop him again, and that… that just broke something inside of him. John Smith was running off, not wanting to become the Doctor again. Ryan knew that this was all a massive risk, that there was a chance that things could go wrong since the Doctor wouldn’t know that he was the Doctor anymore, but this wasn’t something they had discussed. He had never said that it was a chance that he just wouldn’t. Now that it was happening, Ryan felt so lost.

“Ryan.” Martha grabbed his shoulder. She looked distraught as well, but a bit more put together than he did. Ryan was sure that if anyone looked at him they would assume something terrible had happened: they would be right. “This really sucks, I know that, but…” She looked around for a moment. There were still boys milling about, other faculty members, so she pulled him down a hallway that was currently unoccupied.

He felt like a little kid again, getting talks from his mother - and that didn’t do anything at all to raise his mood in the slightest.

Martha looked at him with compassion and something else in her eyes. She sighed heavily. “Look. This isn’t going to be easy for me to say, but it’s the truth, even if I don’t like it.” Now he was just baffled as well, not understanding for a single second what was going on. “You’re the key for the Doctor to remember himself.”

Ryan furrowed his brow. “What? What do you mean I’m the key?” He really didn’t need someone trying to get his hopes up, for someone to start giving him a weird kind of pep talk.

Martha avoided his eyes this time. “He likes you, really, really likes you. Sometimes I think… Sometimes I think he even loves you.”

“No.” They weren’t doing this, this wasn’t the time nor place for this. Ryan brushed it off. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but it’s rubbish, all of it. We need to come up with a way to get the Doctor back I can’t… I can’t be listening to this.”

She grabbed his arm before he could run off again. “You need to listen to this.”

“I can’t!” Ryan interrupted. His face was red and his chest was heaving and he was sure that he was about to have a full blown crisis if Martha didn’t stop talking. The hallway never sounded so quiet, it was like the chaos happening outside had settled as well. The entire world completely stilled. “I can’t allow myself to think those sorts of things, thinking that he, that he could possibly-”

“But it’s true.” Martha stared him in the eye, determination written over her face. “You have to know how much it pains me to say so, but I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t think it was absolutely true. The two of you are mad for each other but you won’t admit it. If there was anything that could bring the Doctor back, it’s this.”

Ryan paused, his arms falling to his sides. “What happens if you're wrong?”

Martha’s shoulders fell, her body relaxing, “Wouldn’t you rather know than stay wondering for the rest of time?”

Ryan hated this plan, absolutely abhorred it.

Martha however loved it.

It seemed straight out of a story book, which is most certainly where Martha had gotten the idea. It basically boiled down to “true love’s kiss saves the day”, which Ryan wasn’t putting a lot of faith in. Mostly because of one woman - and it wasn’t Martha.

“He’s in love with Joan!”

“A mild infatuation at best.”

Joan, another employee at the school, had caught the eye of John Smith and now he refused to give up the life that they could have together. The problem with that plan was that The Family would most likely kill them all before that future could even happen.

Now, Ryan, Martha, Joan, John, and the poor Timothy boy were trapped in a shack together as the world began to end around them. What a lovely vacation.

“I love her, Martha, there’s nothing mild about that.” John, who was at the verge of a complete mental break, added to the conversation which was quickly becoming an argument.

Joan didn’t say much, not knowing what to add. It wasn’t everyday the man you were in love with turned out to be a time-travelling alien. Well, that happened quite often for Ryan.

“John-”

“Joan, it’s alright, I’m not going to do whatever these-”

“Why not?” Timothy - who had had the watch all along, the reason he had been acting so strange - asked.

All of them turned to look at the boy, “You can save all of us, so why don’t you?”

The way he said it cracked Ryan’s heart. John looked at him for a split second before returning his gaze to Ryan again. “I won’t. I’m not going to give up my life, my future, for a man that isn’t me.”

“He is you!” Ryan asserted. They were close, nearly chest to chest. “He’s the real you, I know you don’t want to admit it to yourself, but deep down you know it’s true.”

“It is not.”

Ryan slowly reached his hand behind John, trying to get Timothy to hand him the watch without anyone noticing. “Please, at least until we can get rid of The Family. This is who you are, you save people, you help people. Help them one more time.”

“Ryan-”

The watch was in his hand.

He took a deep breath, time seeming to slow around him.

It was a strange feeling. Ryan had kissed men before, but kissing the Doctor was different. He felt a bit guilty about it, simultaneously hoping that he could explain himself later and also never talk about it again. He tried his best to enjoy the feeling while it lasted though. The Doctor’s lips were slightly chapped, and his stubble scratched at Ryan’s cheeks - but he loved it.

It needed to end though.

The watch was open and golden strands flowed from it. He could tell that the Doctor began to come back to him. A sad smile appeared on his face. Joan and Timothy looked at them with wide eyes - and Ryan was a bit nervous as to what they would say about what they had witnessed.

He wondered what they thought was more unbelievable: aliens or two men kissing.

The Doctor blinked before him a few times; with the way his demeanour changed Ryan knew it was his Doctor.

“Ryan?”

“Later.”

Chapter Text

Ryan knew that later had to come at some point but that didn’t mean that he ever wanted it to actually happen. He had kissed the Doctor, in front of everyone, just because he actually went along with Martha’s insane plan. It had worked - of course it had and that was just annoying. He couldn’t believe that the plan worked.

Now he had to face the fact that he had kissed the man and they were meant to talk about it now. Because he was stupid enough to say later. He should have said nothing, he should have just let it die down and then things would have worked out better. Maybe then he wouldn’t be freaking out so much - maybe then it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal.

But he had opened his mouth and now they were meant to talk about the whole thing.

They had all had dinner together: he, the Doctor, and Martha. It was tense and Martha was looking between them with something in her eye that made him question everything. She had to have known that this would happen.

There was a mischievous look in her eye, a knowing smirk. He wanted to call the other out, but it wouldn’t be the best of ideas with the Doctor sitting right in front of the two of them.

It was apparent by the way the other was looking at him that there was something going on in that head of his - something that Ryan didn’t want to think about.

Ryan didn’t want to think about any of it.

He stared down at his food, half eaten and quite sad if he was being honest. After a few more minutes, he excused himself and went to clean up.

Ryan could hear whispering from the other room, bickering between the Doctor and Martha. He tried his best as to not listen in, knowing that what he would hear he wouldn’t like all that much. Martha could be yelling at the Doctor - actually that would be pretty funny to listen to - or the Doctor could be saying how much he hated the kiss and wished that it never happened - that would be horrible to listen to.

Ryan washed up and then headed back to his room.

He was meant to take a shot today. He was going to get back on a proper schedule.

Just as he was preparing everything there was a knock on the door. He knew who it was going to be. “One minute!” Ryan braced himself, took the shot, and fixed himself up again.

He took a deep breath before opening the door. The Doctor was going to be there - of course he was. Ryan opened the door, bracing himself. “Hello.”

“Hello to you too.”

They stood there, both immensely awkward. He knew that one of them should say something, but neither wanted to. He watched as the Doctor went through a whole host of his nervous ticks. “Can I, well, can I come in?”

Ryan nodded, letting the Doctor through. He nearly didn’t want to; he wanted to curl up into his bed and pretend like nothing that had happened. It was too late for that now though, the Doctor was already standing in his room - they were going to go talk this through now. That was the most horrifying thing he had ever thought about. How was he going to get through the rest of their adventures together if this is how they were shaping up.

The Doctor scratched the back of his head, pacing around the room with a nervous look around him.

“So, the thing, um, we, you-“ He cut himself off, running a hand down his face. “We kissed.”

Ryan stood, still as a rod. He felt like he was burning up from the inside. “Yeah. We did.”

“Okay.” The Doctor made another lap around the room.

He didn’t know what to say, and he really didn’t know what the Doctor was going to say, they were both stuck in some hellish sort of loop that was making them both go mad. It was completely and utterly horrible.

Ryan had been wishing that something like this would happen - the kissing part at least - but now that it was here he wasn’t so sure that he was all that glad about the outcome. The Doctor didn’t hate him, hopefully, but the way he was pacing around the room didn’t make him feel any more calm about the situation. His heart was racing in his chest, his knees were wobbly and probably about to buck, there wasn’t a single good thing happening in the moment and that wasn’t supposed to be the case at all.

He had dreamed about what it would be like to kiss the man. In the dreams that didn’t turn into nightmares he laughed, a genuine laugh. Ryan loved it when the Doctor did that - the way his brow would raise and his eyes would crinkle. It was such a beautiful sound. The Doctor would confess, Ryan would do the same, and they would kiss again. Everything was perfect in those dreams. In those times it was just the two of them, in one of the rooms of the TARDIS, not thinking about the world around them.

There weren’t people from 1913 that thought he was disgusting for falling in love with a man, there wasn’t another alien group trying to kill all of them, and most of all the Doctor was the Doctor and not the John Smith facade that he had set up in order to protect himself. That was what had made it so good in the dreams. Everything worked out the way it was supposed to in those story books, but real life was so much messier than that and now he was having to deal with a whole host of things that he didn’t think were going to be problems in the slightest.

But they were, and now he and the Doctor were dealing with them, and Ryan was having quite a miserable time overall. It would have been so much easier if Martha hadn’t come up with that plan - it would have been so much better.

It had happened though, and now Ryan had to deal with it.

The Doctor finally stopped his pacing, taking a deep breath and looking Ryan in the eye. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes, everythings okay, completely fine.”

Ryan really didn’t know how to react now. “So is it? Did you hate it? Do you hate me? Is this-”

“Hate you?” The Doctor walked up to him, a little hesitant. His demeanour had changed entirely as soon as Ryan had said the words. “I could never hate you.”

They were so close again, standing in front of each other. The Doctor had a look of awe and despair, like he couldn’t believe what Ryan had said. Ryan looked away, gasping a little, “Well, what was I supposed to think when you come pacing around like that.”

He had never seen the Doctor so at a loss for words. Usually he was quick about things, always ready to pull some sort of quip or jab or anything, but now he seemed completely stunned into silence. “I don’t hate you, and I didn’t hate… it.”

“The kiss?” Ryan tried to specify.

The Doctor squeezed his eyes shut, “Yes that. I didn’t hate that either.” He huffed, “You said we were going to talk about this later.”

Ryan didn’t like the call out, suddenly feeling very on edge. “Well I know that, I just…” There he was again, wishing that later never actually came. “We’re here now, let’s talk about it.”

“Did you hate it?” Ryan shook his head. “Good, so we’re in agreement about that.” That seemed to be the only thing that they could come to an agreement on, but at least it was something. And it was something important. That made his heart flutter a bit.

“We both liked it then?”

“That seems to be the case.” Ryan didn’t just like it; he had loved it. The action at least, the kiss part of it all. He could have done without the awkward argument at the start and the look on the Doctor’s face after - but getting to kiss him - getting to feel the other’s lips on his was one of the best feelings in the entire world.

The Doctor nodded a few times, “Alright then. Would you want to do it again?”

Ryan couldn’t believe this was happening, “I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” It was so painfully awkward. The air between them was tense, so much in fact that you could cut the tension with a knife - it was just that thick. Ryan wanted to step forward, to make some sort of move, but his feet were planted to the ground, like a tree he couldn’t move at all.

The Doctor was the one to close the distance this time.

The taller’s hands were on his face, cradling his cheeks gently in a way that he didn’t know the Doctor was fully capable of. His hands were rough with callouses, that was to be expected with all the tinkering that the man got up to. The Doctor had to lean down to properly kiss Ryan, and even so he still had to croon up some.

The man’s stubble brushed across his face, but not in an uncomfortable way - it scratched a little, but it was so the Doctor that Ryan wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. The way he had surged forward, but still kept a careful demeanour, the way he had begun to smile into the kiss and Ryan couldn’t help but begin to do the same. It was much better than the last one - leagues better in fact. The main reason being that they had both agreed to it, knew deep down that it was coming.

Ryan was thinking so much that he hadn’t realised he wasn’t kissing back. He began to do that.

It was everything that he had wanted in their first kiss - since he had thought about it so many times. It was just the two of them, the rest of the world slipping away around them. Their bodies moved in tandem like they had been created just for this moment. Maybe they had.

Maybe they had been made of the same stardust and now they were finally meeting each other once again.

They broke apart, both of them with dopey smiles on their faces. They laughed a little, neither of them knowing what to say after so much time of thinking.

The Doctor took a breath, “Ryan Tyler, I-”

Suddenly the entire room started to shake. It stopped for a moment, Ryan and the Doctor looked at each other. A question began to form on Ryan’s lips, but the TARDIS shook again and it was ripped away from him.

The Doctor rushed out of the room, Ryan following. Martha was there, gripping onto something to stop herself from falling. “What’s going on?”

“Something’s latched on.”

“Latched on?” Ryan screamed out.

Just when things were getting good again.

“Yep, hold on! We’re going to make a bit of a crash landing.”

Ryan didn’t like the sound of that at all.

There were all sorts of alarms going off, the room shaking, until just as suddenly there was an eerie calm.

The Doctor composed himself and walked to the door, Ryan and Martha followed. He raised his sonic and suddenly Ryan felt very unarmed for whatever was about to come at them. “Who’s there?”

Ryan looked out to a dark word, completely dark. He could barely make out mountains in the horizon.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”>

Ryan followed the Doctor’s line of sight to the ground where a man was lying - looking not good at all. “Oh god.” He kneeled down, Martha doing the same. The man didn’t seem to have a pulse, and Ryan feared that he had died. The Doctor however didn’t look fazed at all. “Doctor he’s-”

The man gasped, eyes shooting open. The suddenness of it made him jump back. The man took a few deep breaths and looked between him and Martha. “Hey, my name’s Jack Harness.”

“No.” The Doctor interrupted, sounding very annoyed.

“What I’m not allowed to introduce myself?”

“No, you aren’t.”

As Ryan looked at the expression on the man’s face, it was apparent why that was the case. He stood up again, helping Jack to his feet.

Jack smirked at the Doctor, “Did you stake your claim or something?”

“Oh shut up.”

Chapter Text

“What was that comment about staking your claim earlier?” Ryan asked Jack, very confused as to what the man had meant by that.

The Doctor was off doing Doctor things which left him to wander around with the other inhabitants, hoping that everything was going to be alright. He knew that it was likely that things would go wrong - they typically did - but he wanted everyone to feel a little at each for a while. Jack was walking around with a smile on his face, despite the circumstances he seemed very bubbly. Too bubbly perhaps.

He turned around to look back at Ryan, “Isn’t it obvious?”

Ryan furrowed his brow, “Well obviously not since I asked you about it.”

Jack shook his head, laughing slightly. “Really, it isn’t obvious to you?” Ryan wanted something to be true, but was too fearful to say it aloud. “He likes you.” There was a bit of envy in his voice as he said it, a fair amount of jealousy. That didn’t help Ryan feel any better, if anything, it made him feel far worse about the entire thing. “Always does.” He whispered under his breath. It was just loud enough where Ryan could make out the words.

He wanted to ask more questions about that, more about what the hell ‘always does’ meant, but he decided against it. Jack already didn’t seem too happy that the Doctor liked Ryan - to his belief at least - and he didn’t want Jack to hate him even more.

“The Doctor doesn’t make those sorts of things that obvious.”

Jack let out a laugh, “Isn’t that the truth. He's oblivious as all hell too. You can admit your love right in front of him and he still wouldn’t get it.” There was that jealousy again, a sort of envy. He wondered if Jack had feelings for the Doctor as well. Part of him knew that it was true, he didn’t really need to think about it that long. Of course, Jack would like the Doctor - it seemed like everyone that got to meet the man for a few minutes fell for him. Jack’s love seemed to go deeper though, like Ryan’s own.

Yet, he wasn’t stopping Ryan from pursuing the other.

He wanted to continue the conversation, but it felt better to leave it as they were. The two of them talking about it would probably just make things worse again. If they were going to talk about anything, he would wait until Jack said something, then he’d respond to it. Ryan would be able to keep himself from asking any questions, he’d have to be.

They walked down the hallways together, making sure that everyone was alright - they weren’t, obviously, but he tried his best in order to keep everyone at least a little happier. Martha was good help with that - and she was good at distracting Jack and Ryan away from their halfway spat about the Doctor.

It got even more awkward though when he remembered that Martha also wished to be romantically involved with the Doctor. It truly seemed like whoever came across the man was bound to fall for him. Jack was right after all.

The Doctor, who was currently taking Jack away and getting some job finished up. Half of the things that were being talked about Ryan didn’t understand, so he was sitting with Martha in a room with an elderly man that truly seemed to be losing it.

*****

Ryan knew that something was going to go wrong, something always went wrong when he and the Doctor went on adventures.

Now the world was threatened again, now there was another Time Lord. Now the Doctor was taken away from him for what could possibly be for good.

Worst of all Ryan was nearly completely alone without any kind of way of figuring out what he was going to do. There was no way that he was going to actually figure this out alone - nor was he going to be able to get the Doctor back, or save the world and all of that other stuff that he typically did with the Doctor. Now he needed to do it alone.

Well, not completely alone, he had Martha - she seemed to be pulling herself together much better than he was over the course of trying to get everything together so that they could save the Doctor and then save the world, all of those things that they normally did.

But Ryan was really struggling to get through it. For so long it had been the two of them against everything else in the world. It was hard as hell, but they were able to pull themselves together. Most of the time at least.

Now they had a final plan, a way to get through it all and get things back to normal. Well, as normal as things could be in his life. Martha had figured things out, and the two of them had been spreading the word of the Doctor to everyone that would listen. It was supposed to help fix things, to make everything normal again. Apparently the power of belief was stronger than any other than Ryan had ever thought about

He and Martha were sitting together in a house, one of those that they had told the story of the Doctor to. The storytelling session was over and now they were just hunkering down for the night. It left them plenty of time to talk to each other though.

“Do you think this is really going to work?” Ryan asked, fearful of what would happen if the answer was no.

Martha looked like she was thinking for a second. “I hope it will. I really hope so.” It wasn’t the most positive thing in the world to say, but it was the most realistic. Neither of them could say that it was absolutely going to work, of course they couldn’t, but Ryan wished that one of them could say that it was truly, fully going to work.

But they couldn’t. They couldn’t lie to themselves and give them false hope that everything was going to work out perfectly in the end. It was possible - highly so - that it wouldn’t work out because most of their plans failed horribly to begin with and then worked themselves out after.

That was what Ryan would go with, he would believe that everything would work out in the end and then it would be great. It would. It would have to be or else Ryan was going to lose his mind. “Yeah, I hope so too.”

Things quickly went wrong after that.

They had gotten found out, brought to the Master’s headquarters - Ryan that name, the Master - it made him sound all creepy and that he was going to do disgusting and horrible things. Ryan said that as if the man hadn’t already done so.

He was a creepy man, a horrible person, utter filth of the entire universe. What he had done to the Doctor… that was just terrible.

He was trapped away, stripped of all of his power. The man almost looked pitiful in his current state - though he would absolutely hate Ryan if he were to say that aloud. He looked so sad, so terrified for everyone involved. Despite all of that, Ryan still loved him - he would always love him.

The next series of events transpired in a sort of whirl. There was fighting, yelling, screaming, and crying. Lots of crying. Watching the tears fall from the Doctor’s face made him stand there in shock. Nobody could say a word as the man mourned the other Time Lord.

Just when he thought he wasn’t alone, when he wasn’t the only one left, the Doctor was again. Ryan walked over slowly, questioning whether or not he should. He took a deep breath, kneeling down next to the man. He put a hand on the Doctor’s shoulder. No words were exchanged, they didn’t need to be, he just stayed there in the other’s presence - giving him as much comfort as he could.

*****

Martha was gone.

She wasn’t with the Doctor anymore, she was off doing her own thing and she was happy with that. At least, that was what Ryan hoped - he really hoped that she was off being happy with the new way her life was going, not needing to worry about saving the world and things of that sort.

But that just meant that Ryan was alone with the Doctor again. It was just like before - before Martha showed up. He had loved Martha, she was a great friend, and he was sad to see her go. Now it was back to the start. Like a few years ago when life was more normal. Well, normal to Ryan.

He felt bad that he was a bit glad that it was just him and the Doctor again - but he couldn’t lie to himself and say that that wasn’t part of it. There was a hidden part of him that was overjoyed that he got to go to be alone with the Doctor more - but that did mean that things got a bit more awkward because now there wasn’t anyone to step between them, to ease the tension: he would just have to deal with it. At worst he’d have to face it and then he and the Doctor would have to really, really talk.

Their last talk had been interrupted by Jack, who was now off doing something or another - whatever it was he got up to. It was just them though, just the two of them and having to talk things out. Talk. Talking - that was something that they could do. Ryan was sure about it.

He wanted to get to the bottom of whatever it was that they were getting at the first time, some sort of proper finalisation of their admittance to each other. It would make things a lot easier moving forward because Ryan had made it very clear in his life that he wasn’t ever going to leave the Doctor.

They were bound to each other in some sort of way - Ryan knew that, he felt that. He wasn’t sure what it was exactly, maybe it was just because they had been through so much together, but there was an emotion between them that was stronger than just love, then only romance. It reached deeper, further, than just that. It was something else completely. Like a strange sort of devotion and admiration, but even then Ryan didn’t think those words were strong enough to describe what it was they had.

Maybe the Doctor knew.

He knew practically every language, could get the TARDIS to translate nearly anything - but could this feeling even be put into words or was it bigger than that? It felt like it was, it had to be, because if so then Ryan felt very childish not being able to say it aloud.

Ryan sat on his bed, thinking. Too much had happened that day already, he wasn’t about to start up the loaded conversation that would be talking about their feelings, about what they were. That could be for tomorrow. It left ample time for the two of them to think things over a bit more; the Doctor could do whatever it was he needed to do to make sure he was ready, and Ryan could take time for himself - maybe figure out what it was that feeling was.

He wished he could be near the Doctor at that moment, that they could have one of those nights where they curled up to each other and looked at a window, watching as space and time flew past them like it was a normal human phenomena, but they couldn’t. They just had a wait one more night and then they would figure it all out.

Yeah, Ryan said to himself, tomorrow would be another day - would be the day - and then maybe he would be able to get what he had dreamt of for so long.

Chapter Text

They were having breakfast together the next morning.

It was a little awkward, with nobody there to ease the tension between them anymore. Ryan had to admit, it was a bit nice, but a bit terrifying as well. He pushed around the food on his plate - it wasn’t nearly as appetising anymore now that it had gone cold. He was surprised that the Doctor was still sitting with him and hadn’t run off to go do something else. Usually he would be doing some sort of experiment or test or quite literally anything. Ryan never understood it all that well - especially when it came to things that weren’t Earthly, which was most of it.

But he wasn’t doing any of that right now. No, instead he was sitting across the table from Ryan. Both of them should start talking, but as it turned out they were quite bad at this part of the procedure. What would pushing it off one more day matter? Well, a whole lot actually. Ryan just wanted to know, he wanted to know so bad that it hurt.

He ate a piece of cold egg. It was horrible.

There were stalled breaths between them, neither of them wanting to be too loud. The sounds of the TARDIS whirled in the background, the sound of space and time dancing around them. Ryan loved being here.

The Doctor smiled at him before looking away again. Ryan wished that he would say something, anything. He could tell that the other was a little nervous, maybe more than a little. The Doctor looked a bit frantic - like he was searching for some sort of out.

Ryan didn’t want him to leave, he wanted the man to stay - with him. He said he was in this for the long term, that he would spend eternity with the Doctor, he wasn’t lying about that. Ryan had just hoped that something would happen during that time. It had seemed like there was going to be something, and by the Doctor’s reaction he had thought so as well.

He hoped the two of them still thought about that now.

Ryan pushed the plate away from him, deciding that he wasn’t going to be able to stomach anymore of the food. He sighed, looking up at the Doctor who looked right back at him. Talk. Just open your mouth and talk. It was such an easy thing to do, but for some reason beyond his understanding, Ryan couldn’t get himself to do it. He couldn’t open his mouth and let the words pour out - the words that probably would have made things a hell of a lot easier. At least if he were to actually say something then they could reach some sort of consensus.

Ryan slowly moved his lips.

“We were talking, before Jack interrupted us.”

His lips stopped, brow raising at the fact that the Doctor had spoken. He shifted in his seat, “Yeah, we… we were.”

The Doctor was fidgeting again. “Did you want to finish that conversation?”

“Absolutely.”

“Me too.”

And then it was silent again. Ryan didn’t know how the two of them managed to be so painfully awkward, but at that moment he thought they should have gotten some sort of award - a horror film fest prize or something of the sort.

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair, “Well, Ryan Tyler, I just… I wanted to say… Well, you know.”

Ryan did know. Deep in his heart he knew, and all he had wanted was for the Doctor to just say it. “So, what do you think we should do about it?”

The Doctor took a deep breath, “I- I’m not very good at this if you couldn’t tell. There are so many things that I want to tell you, so many things that you deserve to know, but I just don’t know how.”

Ryan took the Doctor’s hands in his, hoping that he could get something out of the man. He didn’t want to force the other, but he desperately wanted the Doctor to be able to say something, to speak those words that he had been waiting to hear for so long, but he wouldn’t. If he pushed the Doctor too far then it was probable that he wouldn’t say anything, and all that progress that they had made would be lost. Ryan couldn’t be too mad though because he knew that he would do the exact same thing if the Doctor kept forcing him to say something that he couldn’t find the words to.

He sighed, rubbing the back of the Doctor’s hand, “I know. I’m not mad at you for that. It’s just… I love you Doctor. You don’t have to say it back, you don’t even need to say anything back-” even though he really wished that he would “-just being able to tell you is enough for me.”

The Doctor was quiet for a moment, looking down at their intertwined hands, “I feel the same.” He looked up to Ryan’s hands, “I really do, Ryan Tyler, I’ve felt this way for a long time now, it’s just… saying it is difficult.”

“It’s alright, Doctor, I promise that it’s alright.”

The Doctor shook his head, “I want to do this right.”

Ryan leaned forward, “We are doing this right. We’re doing it our way and that’s all that matters.” The man looked upset, nervous, and a whole array of emotions that Ryan was a bit nervous as well. “Doctor. It’s okay.”

He looked like he wanted to protest again, but Ryan didn’t want him doing that. He wanted the man to just say what he could and then they could continue on - together. “Is it really, Ryan?” He said it a little accusingly. “I know you want me to be able to say things like you do, but I can’t.”

Ryan swallowed, hard; he didn’t realise that the Doctor had actually been picking up on those sorts of things, but he had, and now he couldn’t exactly go back and stop that. He felt bad, worse than bad, he felt awful actually. He didn’t want the Doctor to feel bad about it, but it was apparent now that it had actually been eating him up inside.

“Okay. What matters is that we both know now, both aware of what the other thinks, what they say, and what they want to say.”

The Doctor nodded slowly, “So, what are we going to do about it?”

Ryan wanted to put a label on what they had going on, but it didn’t seem like the other was quite ready for that kind of step just yet. “We do what we always do.” He resigned to fate. “We love each other, and that’s all that matters. We’re whatever we are, we don’t need to figure it all out, or call it something just yet.”

“Are you sure?” The Doctor asked, “You’re sure about this?”

Ryan nodded, “Yeah. We’re us and that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as we’re happy.” He stopped for a moment. “You would be happy about this right, cause I wouldn’t want you to be upset.” The Doctor nodded, looking a bit overjoyed. “Yeah, yes, I’d love for us to be, well, whatever it is we are.”

Ryan liked how that sounded. They were able to just be themselves and it didn’t matter what they were exactly - just that they were happy. That was the only thing that mattered to him - and obviously the only thing that mattered to the Doctor. It didn’t truly matter what other people thought of them because if he was being honest, most of the places they went didn’t really follow the normal early 2000s, human belief system of relationships.

Oh.

That made a lot more sense now.

Of course, the Doctor didn’t ever follow the normal human sort of things like Ryan did. He had been trying to force the others to conform to something that the Doctor wasn’t used to, something that he shouldn’t have to conform to because that wasn’t what he was. Ryan knew that, but maybe he didn’t know that so fully.

It was very apparent now. The Doctor probably wouldn’t say that, he wasn’t one to go about saying that, but Ryan realised that now. That made everything so much more understandable now, and made Ryan glad to know what they had was special - no matter if it wasn’t what the average human experience was.

The two were smiling at each other, Ryan was even laughing slightly. The Doctor’s hand felt great in his, and looking up at the Doctor made his heart beat steadily, making him glow. Yeah, they had finally gotten to this point, and Ryan was going to take the opportunity to enjoy every moment that he was going to have with the Doctor. He would spend every last moment of his life with the other. For as long as that was to last.

*****

Ryan woke up feeling strange again, like something strange was coursing through his veins. It was the same feeling that he had had what felt like an eternity ago - when he had first met Donna, well, technically more towards the end of that day.

He woke up in his bed, not feeling as hungry as he normally did. Usually he was pretty ravenous in the morning, but this time? There was nothing, maybe the tiniest of nudges, but nothing like the average day. He didn’t feel sick like last time, more of the positive effects - as strange as that sounded.

The Doctor was up, and Ryan heard him tinkering away in his workshop. Ryan stumbled in, a giddy smile on his face. Looking at the glasses falling down his face, the way he had a whole lot of microexpressions, his smile when something worked out in his favour - all of those things made Ryan grin even more. That was his Doctor doing all of this, and he looked amazing while doing it.

A sense of dizziness came over him, and he gripped onto the doorway. It immediately alerted the Doctor to rush over to him. “Ryan, are you alright?” He helped the other up.

He took a few minutes to get back to himself. His head was sort of floating almost. “I’m… I’m alright.”

“That wasn’t very promising.”

“I just-” And that was the only thing that he got to say before his vision went black for a moment.

Ryan woke up later, sitting in his bed once again. As he slowly came back to, he noticed that the Doctor was pacing around him - looking way more nervous than he had looked in a while. “Doctor?”

“Ryan! Good, great, you’re awake.”

“What happened?”

The Doctor completely stopped in his pacing and looked at Ryan with a worried expression. “Ryan, I’m about to tell you something very important and I don’t want you to freak out after.”

He tried to sit up, it was far more difficult than he could even imagine. “What are you going to tell me?”

The Doctor took a deep breath. “You might be a Time Lord.” “Might be!? What does that mean?”

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, “Well, actually, you are.”

That was it. That was the moment Ryan’s brain completely stopped working. “This is a joke right? Actually, no, I’m still asleep and everything that’s happened so far today has actually just been one long dream.” The Doctor shook his head. There was such a stunned and terrified expression on his face that Ryan knew that he wasn’t lying, that this wasn’t a very horrible joke. “Oh God, I really am aren’t I? I’m a Time Lord.”

The Doctor walked forward, looking at him with a sad expression, “I’m sorry, I really am. I don’t know how this all happened and if I could fix it I would but… I- I can’t.” The Doctor looked close to tears.

Ryan extended his arms, letting the other fall into his chest. “It’s alright.”

“I didn’t protect you.”

Ryan shook his head, “You’ve always protected me. This doesn’t change any of that. Neither of us could have ever seen this happening.”

“I didn’t even know this was possible.” He sounded like he was crying, Ryan didn’t mind, he just wanted the Doctor to know that it wasn’t his fault. “I’m so, so sorry.”

He rubbed the Doctor’s back, “I promised you that I would be with you forever right? I said that I would always be by your side. None of that is going to change now. It’s just… well, I guess I just have a lot longer than I would have thought.”

The Doctor looked up, moving his hands slowly and holding onto Ryan’s face. “Being a Time Lord isn’t easy, it’s a cruel, cruel life.”

He smiled, wiping the tears that were falling down the other’s cheeks.

“Life will never be cruel while I’m by your side.”