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“Prongs?” Remus calls, stepping into the room, “Why didn’t you come to dinner?”
James sits up a bit from where he’s laying, resting on his elbows underneath him, “I just. I’m not doing good right now.” Immediately Remus’ expression softens and he walks towards James’ bed, sitting on the edge of it. James isn’t the type of person to easily admit when something is going on in his mind or when he’s not feeling perfect. So the fact that he not only missed dinner but also willingly gave up that information--Remus had to put up no fight, which is concerning in of itself.
Remus’ hand lands on James’ shoulder rubbing it with his thumb and his brows furrow a bit, “What’s going on James?” James shakes his head and clears his throat like he’s about to speak, but no words come out. And that makes sense. The guys have noticed that James’ refusal to admit when something’s wrong has translated into the inability to speak when he actually wants to say it. So Remus just smiles, “Don’t worry, I’ll just ask you yes or no questions, is that alright?”
James nods and Remus goes on, “Is this a physical thing? Do you feel ill or something? Injured?”
James shakes his head to each question, “So it’s mental?” A nod, “Okay, does it have something to do with school?” A shake of his head, “Your friends?”
This time, James tilts his head back and forth and Remus takes that in stride, “Okay, someone you know. Your family?” He shakes his head again, “Then is it your boyfriends?” James nods with a heavy sigh.
At that, there are many things that filter through Remus’ mind but nonetheless he takes a breath, “Okay, did you guys break up? Or is your relationship rocky right now?” James shakes his head, “Did they do something to you that hurt?” Another head shake, “Okay then, are you overthinking it or something?”
James nods and heaves another breath before whispering, “Not good enough.” There are tears welling up in his eyes and Remus pulls him into a hug.
“Why do you think you’re not good enough, Prongs?” Remus’ voice is soft, almost a whisper into James’ ear and he holds him all the more tighter when James’ breath goes shaky.
“I don’t know how to love them.” James whispers, “They’re so different from me, so different from mum and dad.”
“Oh James.” The brunette breathes, “Do you want me to go get one of them? Or all of them? I don’t think this is something I’ll be able to help you with.”
“But you’re dating Sirius. He and my boyfriends all have very similar families.”
“But they’re still very different.” Remus pulls back and offers him a small smile, “You need to bring this up with them, otherwise they can’t help you get better. You know this.”
James sighs and nods, “I know it’s just… hard.”
“I know. That’s why I’m offering to get one of them, or all of them, and have them come up here. I won’t tell them everything, just what they need to know. Then you can tell them from there. Does that sound alright?”
James thinks for a couple seconds before he nods, “Yeah, that sounds alright.”
“Okay, do you want me to get all of them?”
“No, just- just… Evan.”
“Evan?”
“Yeah,” James swallows, “Evan. He’s more capable of emotion- that sounds mean.”
Remus laughs and shakes his head, “And yet you’re not wrong, I get what you mean. Do you want me here?”
“No, I think I’ll be fine without you.”
“Alright, just make sure to actually talk to him about it.”
“I’ll try.”
Remus smiles and rubs James’ knee, pushing himself to a stand, “I’ll go grab Evan. Where’s the map?”
“In my trunk.” Remus nods and walks towards the trunk, opening it and grabbing the map from where it’s resting on top of everything. He quickly gets into it and finds where Evan is, promising James that he’ll be back in a moment and sending him one last smile before walking out of the room.
Remus walks briskly through the common room and Sirius finds him, beginning to walk with him, “What’s up? Is everything okay?”
“James is having a hard time, he’s giving himself anxiety about him and the Slytherins.” Remus informs him, “I was gonna get Evan so he can talk to him about it.”
“What’s he having anxiety about? Are they treating him wrong or something?” Sirius asks, seemingly getting more alarmed.
“He’s doubting himself, thinks he’s loving him wrong.”
Sirius sighs, and it’s so sad, “Oh James.”
Remus nods, “I was going to give them some time once I got Evan. Did you want to go out to the courtyard and do something out there?”
“Yeah, that works for me.” Sirius nods with a smile, “How ‘bout we go to the Black Lake? Our spot?” Remus nods again and Sirius breaks off with a kiss pressed to his lips.
It’s not long until Remus finds Evan, talking to Dorcas and Marlene in the hallway by the library. Marlene is the first to notice him and smiles, “Hi Remus! Here to study?”
Remus shakes his head, “No, I need to talk to Evan.”
Evan furrows his brows but pushes himself from the wall anyway, “What’s up?”
“Privately.” Evan nods and they start to walk into a more private hallway, with Remus not missing the look that Marlene gives him, almost as if knowing it’s something to do with James.
“What’s wrong Remus?”
“It’s James.” Is the first words out of his mouth, “James is having a hard time and he wants to talk to you.”
“What do you mean?”
Remus takes a deep breath and wets his lips, “James, as I’m sure you know, had like a really good childhood. He has a good family but he also started to hold himself to very high standards, like unachievable standards and when he doesn’t reach them he breaks down.”
“So he’s being hard on himself right now? I mean, I get why you’re coming to me but… why?”
“Because it has to do with you. I can’t help him with this.”
“What do you mean?”
Remus starts to walk away and Evan is quick to follow him, “His mom and dad are very lovey-dovey, like they’re heads over heels for each other and his dad like worships his mom and that’s what he expects from himself. He thinks he’s not good enough for you guys.”
“He what?” Evan breathes.
“That’s all I can really say. The rest is for him to explain.” Remus sighs. They approach the fat lady and Remus gives the password. Neither of them bother to acknowledge any of the younger Gryffindors lingering around the common room in favour of heading up to the dorm.
Remus pushes the door open and James is laying down once again, staring at the ceiling, “Prongs? I brought Evan. Pads and I are going to be by the Black Lake if you need anything.”
James nods and pushes himself to sit up. Evan walks towards his bed, moving to sit down on the edge, “Alright Moony. Have fun.”
“You too.” Remus smiles then slips out of the room, closing the door behind him.
Once he’s out, Evan turns to his boyfriend, “Is everything alright, love?”
James sighs and gestures for Evan to come closer to him. Evan does so, moving so he’s leaning against James’ body and pulling him towards his chest. James sighs again, “What did Remus tell you? So I know where to start.”
“He told me that you hold yourself up to high standards and that you think you’re not good enough?” Evan says, squeezing where he’s got his hands on James’ upper arm. “What’s that about?”
“I was just-” James takes a deep breath, and sits for a couple seconds before he starts again, “Mom and dad are so open with their love. I grew up around them being free with it. They hugged, they kissed, they would cuddle on the couch during movie nights, they were constantly admiring each other and flirting around me. I’m sure you’ve noticed how I was with Lily, I’m very blatant and open with my love and you guys aren’t like that.”
“But that doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate it.” Evan counters, “We need a love like yours around us.”
“Yeah but…”
“But that’s not the only thing bothering you.” And only for a split second, the part of James that wants to hide every negative emotion, hates that Evan knows him so well. But then it’s gone and is quickly replaced by admiration for the man learning to read him as well as he can with how high James’ emotional walls are.
“No,” James laughs, almost self-deprecating, “You guys all have been dating each other for so much longer than I have. And even then, you guys have known each other and been friends and sharing a dorm for six years and I’ve only really known anything about you guys for like a year and a half, Reggie for two. And I feel like you guys know each other so much better than I ever could and you guys all have ways to understand what’s going on in each other’s lives and families and you all love and are so different from everything I know and I feel like I’m failing you because I’m not able to pick up on how you guys want to be loved and I struggle to understand certain things.”
James takes a quick inhale, though his next words are a part of the exhale, getting progressively faster, “You guys are able to communicate through like looks and you know what’s wrong and you can figure out when something’s wrong with Barty or Reggie and then I’m there and I feel like I never know the right words or the right ways to comfort them then I feel like I fuck everything up. I feel like I don’t know how to treat you guys right and I can’t fix it an-”
Evan pulls James into a kiss squeezing him within his arms. When he pulls back he cups James’ face and uses his thumbs to wipe the freshly-forming tears from his under eyes,, “James, love, breathe. In, and out.” The man guides James through a couple breaths, understanding in his eyes.
“Sorry, I’m ranting.”
“Don’t apologize, J.” Evan shakes his head, “I love you, Barty loves you, Reggie loves you, even if he struggles to say it. Yes, we have a very different dynamic than you do with us but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad boyfriend or that we don’t appreciate your love. Quite frankly, we love that you’re so open with your love because it’s what we want. You notice things that we wouldn’t normally and you actually listen to us. Sometimes that’s hard for us, and I know that you sometimes struggle with it too but you do it anyway. And, believe it or not, you ground us. We can all be moody and aggressive and jump the gun a bit but you’re always there to reign us in and offer us kind words when none of the others can”
James starts to look away from Evan, his chin angling down, but Evan uses his cupped hands to guide James’ eyes back to his own, “You’ll get to know us in the way that we know each other, and none of us blame you for not being perfect at knowing how to help us. We know how you grew up, Reggie lives with your parents, Dorcas sees it with Marlene. We all understand. You love us in a way we don’t know, and it may seem like we don’t know how to react to it, but we all appreciate it..”
“You can’t speak for Barty or Reg.”
“No, I can’t.” Evan agrees, “So how about we go down to my dorm and we can talk to them. We can tell them what’s on your mind and we can work on it, okay. I don’t want you feeling like you’re not enough for us, ever.” James takes a couple deep breaths and nods. Evan presses a kiss to his forehead and stands up, pulling his boyfriend with him. James slips on a jumper and the two of them head out of the Gryffindor tower and down to the Slytherin dorms, in which it doesn’t take them very long to get to Evan, Barty, and Regulus’ dorm.
Evan is still holding James close to his body when they walk in. Barty and Regulus are cuddling on Barty’s bed when they walk in and both turn to look at the two that just entered.
“Is everything alright?” Regulus asks, pushing himself upright.
Evan shakes his head and brings James towards the bed and their boyfriends, moving to lay the both of them down with the two already laying down, “J is having a hard time. I figured I’d bring him down here so we can all talk together. Get things figured out with him.”
“What’s wrong, love?” Regulus asks, immediately pulling James to his chest. Barty reaches to throw an arm around the elder while Evan moves to lay next to Regulus on the opposite side of him than Barty, bringing up his hand to run through messy curls.
James takes a deep breath and explains everything for the third time, however this time he’s much more inclined to believe the words he’s being told now that all three of his boyfriends are with him.
~~~~~
After they finish talking, James ends up falling asleep in his boyfriends’ arms and has to sneak out of the common room to make it back to his own dorm before breakfast the next morning. When he walks in, Remus is already up and getting ready. Pete is passed out in his bed, arms splayed all over the place, and Sirius has taken over the majority of Remus’ bed in his sleep, though his eyes will occasionally flutter open--making James believe he’s half-awake and just doesn’t want to accept it.
Remus smiles at him when he turns and sees who walked through the door, “Hey James. Everything alright?”
James smiles and nods, trotting over to his trunk to grab a clean pair of clothes, “We’re working on it.”
“That’s good.” The taller walks over to him and pulls him into a one-armed hug, “I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks.” James laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.