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Growing up, I never really understood why Stan was the way he is. Why he had to miss 5th and 6th period every Tuesday and Thursday, why he had a special bag with pills in them that he had to take every 3rd period.
Why he always wore a sweater in dying heat, why he had to eat with a monitor by his side making sure he ate.
Why he had to go to the bathroom with a partner always, why was it me? Why did I have every class with Stan? Why did I have to make sure he ate all his food?
It all started in middle school, 6th grade, then highschool came around and it seemed normal because I had been doing it for years.
It wasn’t until someone questioned me in sophomore year.
“ Why are you always with Stan? ”
“ Are you two dating? “
“ Why do the teachers always make you and Stan do everything together? “
…
I’m an adult now, and I understand. I’m 19, in college as a freshman. I also share a dorm with my boyfriend , Stan Marsh. I was thinking, and suddenly remembered which made me ask Stan why we were always together and why I had to always help him. Why he had to take pills, why he had to leave, why I had to watch him, why was I Stan’s caregiver basically during school?
…
“In the 6th grade, I tried to kill myself. I cut my wrists and took all of my dads medication. After recovering I felt disgusted with myself because I survived that I refused to eat, if I ate, I’d throw it up. That’s when my mom anonymously gave me a caregiver during school hours, it was you. She knew we were close, and she knew you, how you’d never let me do these… things I was doing.”
He told me this while messing with the string from his hoodie. His voice was low and he looked scared telling me this. He was hesitant also, but he still told me.
It left me speechless, I never knew this. Holy fuck. This is so much to take in.
Internally, my heart ached so bad, I wanted to cry and just hug Stan so tight while I apologized profusely for never knowing. I wanted to just.. crumble. But I didn’t. I just had my mouth open with my eyes wide.
I felt a bit of anger.. I was signed up to do something without my knowledge. They didn’t even bother to tell me Stan tried to commit suicide.
It all made sense. All of winter break, no one heard from him. He made an excuse that he went on vacation and didn’t have service to call us, maybe he wanted to keep it private.
I didn’t even notice I was crying, hot, angry and sad tears flowing down my face.
“Woah woah, Kyle, why are you crying?” He asked with a face of confusion and a hint of obvious fear.
“Because—! You asshole! You couldn’t have told me that all of this happened?! I-.. I don’t know what to say! I feel so… so fucking sad that this is what happened and I wasn’t able to help.. but it doesn’t justify that I was just kept in the dark!” I cried out. We were sitting on our couch, one of the pillows that rested on our couch was in my hold, I was hugging it tightly while crying.
“It would’ve made sense not to tell me if I wasn’t your caregiver, but I was! I had the obligation of these tasks, Stan! Why didn’t you tell me?!” I asked while looking him in the eye.
He was silent for a moment, his bleached hair covered his face beautifully. It was messily dyed because we both did it in our small, crammed, college dorm bathroom but it suited him so well. He was skinny but not dangerously skinny as from school. His hair was in a mullet. I can never be able to get over the fact that Stan is my boyfriend.
It wasn’t until Stan slowly revealed his face, tears falling down too while he sniffled. My eyes widened as I realized how much of an asshole I was.
I didn’t even realize how hard this could’ve been for Stan. I didn’t think about how telling your boyfriend you basically tried to kill yourself repeatedly was hard and almost impossible to do. I felt selfish, I felt like an asshole for immediately jumping to my own feelings.
I immediately cupped Stan’s face before hugging him.
“I’m so sorry, Stan. I didn’t even consider how this could’ve been for you.” I said and pulled away.
“I-.. I didn’t think about it. I jumped to conclusions.” I said with my eyes still wide. I felt so shitty.
Stan and I were left in silence for a bit until Stan finally spoke. “I didn’t want you to feel bad for me, and feel like it was something you needed to do for me. I was scared to tell you all of this. I didn’t- I didn’t want your fucking pity,” He said while sniffling still, his hands clutching onto his hoodie.
I nodded slowly and soon went back to hugging him. “Your mom knew, and she agreed not to say anything, and I’m so sorry that you had to do this for me.” Stan said while hugging me back tightly, he was shaking .
Another round of silence, until I spoke. I didn’t even feel angry anymore. I felt only sad for Stan. He went through all this alone. He didn’t have anybody.
“I’m not trying to justify what I did was okay, and I’m sorry. I just.. I was just scared. And your feelings are valid.” Stan said.
I pulled away and looked at him. We both looked broken in so many ways. “I don’t.. necessarily agree with how you used me, and how I was oblivious. But I’m sorry for lashing out. I didn’t realize how hard it was for you then and now, telling me all of this.”
“But.. I forgive you. I love you Stan.. I love you so much. Nothing could ever make me stop loving you. I’m so sorry that I never.. I never noticed. I could’ve been smarter.” I said while sniffling.
“No, hey, it’s fine. I chose not to tell you, it’s okay.” He said with a small smile.
“I forgot to tell you the rest.. the pills I took everyday were antidepressants and medication to help me gain weight. I also left early for therapy and psychology sessions.” Stan said. It made sense, I nodded and frowned.
“God.. you went through all of this alone. I’m so sorry Stan.” I said.
“You’re the best thing that has happened to me. You keep me happy and give me a reason to wake up. I love you, Kyle.” Stan said while holding my hands, which made me tear up again.
“When you asked if I liked you back in our junior year, I had never been so happy. When you offered me to stay with you in the dorms and helped me get a place here, I nearly crumbled from happiness.” He said.
“You helping me take my meds or watching over me helped me, yeah, but you just existing and being my super best friend was enough. You being my boyfriend is more than enough.” He told me while I sniffled and rubbed my eyes.
“God— you’re an asshole. Making me cry.” I said which made him snicker a bit.
“I love you so much more, Stan. Trust me. Without you, I’d be hopeless in life. We complete eachother.” I said while leaning in and giving him a kiss.
…
Both boys were extremely happy to have each other. Soon Kyle pulled away from the kiss and raised his eyebrows.
“Is the reason why you always wore jackets and long sleeves because of scarring?” He asked, which caught Stan off guard a bit but he ultimately nodded.
“Yeah. They faded throughout the years, but some are still present.” He said. It made sense, Stan showed his arms a lot more and they did have scars but he just assumed they were from rough-housing as kids. Stan usually wore short sleeves over long sleeves and such but he never thought that deep into it.
“Man.” Is all Kyle said but Stan quickly held his face.
“Hey. It’s okay now though, right? I’m here, with you. I’m okay, and I’m medicated.” He told Kyle.
“Yeah. It’s just a lot to process, but I understand.” He said while Stan smiled sadly but nodded. “Are the meds you said were for your asthma actually asthma pills?” He asked while Stan giggled but nodded.
“Yes, they are. I don’t take antidepressants anymore. I want to though.”
Kyle nodded and hummed, Stan putting his hands down while they looked at eachother.
“From now on, can we be more communicative? If any of us feel off, we promise to always tell eachother.” Kyle asked while Stan nodded.
“I promise. I don’t wanna hide in the dark anymore. I hated hiding everything from you, it was burdening. I feel so much better now that I’ve told you.” Stan said while Kyle held his hands. Their pinkies locked while Kyle kissed their pinkies which made Stan laugh again.
“Let’s go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day, and we can heal together.” Kyle said as Stan nodded and stood up, his hand intertwined with Kyle’s as he led them into their bedroom. Kyle was able to afford the more fancy dorms rather than the default ones. They had rooms and more space.
Stan laid in bed, Kyle laying next to him. They were in their pajamas which was basketball shorts and a shirt for Stan, Kyle in pajama pants and a shirt also.
Stan was resting his head on Kyle’s chest while Kyle held him close. Nothing could get better then this.
The two completed eachother, and no matter what, they loved eachother.
In every universe to exist, there will always be a Stan and Kyle, even in death, they are together.
Even as star crossed lovers, they are together.