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Yoongi had lost faith in love.
It wasn’t a difficult thing to do, he just…stopped believing he could be loved. Stopped believing he could find love. Stopped believing in the whole damn thing.
His friends were concerned when he refused to date, refused to change his mind, refused to believe he was enough.
“Yoongi, I don’t know how you could say that,” Seokjin had said softly after Yoongi had a bad day and resorted to picking apart every flaw he thought he had to cope. Not the best coping mechanism.
“I say it ‘cause it’s true,” Yoongi had replied quietly. It was rare anyone saw him cry. But after living with Seokjin for two years, it was kinda inevitable. Seokjin was a great roommate, and a great friend. He would just listen most of the time. His responses were never very long, and Yoongi came to realize he wasn’t into the whole advice thing. But he did listen when Yoongi needed it. And that was enough.
Everyone had come to accept the fact that Yoongi was essentially a lost cause. They stopped trying to set him up on dates, stopped pestering him to give love another shot, stopped bothering to tell him when one of their other friends was interested in him.
“I’m sorry, he’s not looking to date right now,” they’d say.
No one ever got in Yoongis head. They never understood why he felt that way, why he was so hard on himself for no reason. Only he knew that.
Until Hoseok.
Yoongi had tried to resist his charms. He tried to ignore his beautiful heart-shaped smile, his gorgeous brown eyes, his golden sun-kissed skin that made him look like a god. It was very hard to ignore him. Especially when Hoseok was so damn nice, so attentive, so in tune to everyone’s emotions.
“Are you ok?” He’d asked one day. Their group of seven friends had gone ice skating as a fun day-trip. Yoongi was having one of those days, when everything felt like a chore. He wasn’t in a very ice skating-y mood.
“I-I, yes, I’m fine,” Yoongi’d stammered unconvincingly, rubbing his gloved hands together.
Silence.
“I know I haven’t known you very long, but, if you want to talk to someone…” Hoseok trailed off, searching in Yoongis eyes for an indication. “Or not. It’s up to you,” he patted Yoongi on the leg and then stood to rejoin the others.
That was the first time he’d reached out.
Yoongi remembered the first time he’d reached back.
“Hello?”
“Hi. Um. Sorry. It’s just, uhm-“
“Yoongi,” Hoseok paused. “Tell me,”
It was all over for Yoongi, after that phone call. He hadn’t even told Hoseok that much, just a complaint about work and his annoying boss. But it opened a floodgate, and soon enough, the late night phone calls were a common event. It wasn’t just Yoongi calling Hoseok, the younger also called Yoongi for advice or a rant.
Yoongi loved Seokjin, he really did, but ranting to Hoseok felt different. Hoseok knew if Yoongi wanted advice or if he just needed someone to listen. He somehow knew exactly what to say to make Yoongi feel seen and heard, to make him feel valid and real. That was something Yoongi had difficulty doing himself.
Soon, they were practically inseparable. Yoongi memorized Hoseok. He learned that he wasn’t always happy and bubbly, he had off days too. He had doubts and self effacing thoughts that kept him up at night.
Yoongi remembered the first time Hoseok cried in front of him.
It was awful.
Well, it was nice that Hoseok trusted him enough to see that, trusted him enough to go to him for comfort. But it was awful seeing him in so much pain. Yoongi could handle pain. He couldn’t handle the fact that Hoseok also felt pain.
“I-I just feel like, like, everyone thinks I’m like, this person and I just..I don’t know if I can be that,” Hoseok had confessed between hiccups as he sat on Yoongis couch. “You know?”
Yoongi nodded.
“Yeah. I do. But, you don’t need to be anything for anyone. You are who you are. And from where I’m standing, you’re pretty amazing,”
Hobi let out a soft chuckle, wiping his eyes the back of his hands.
“Thanks, Yoongi,”
Yoongi nodded.
“Of course, any time,”
A beat of silence passed.
“Can…can I have a hug?”
Yoongis breath caught in his throat.
That was unexplored territory.
“I-I mean, yeah, sure,” Yoongi shifted closer to him and held out his arms awkwardly. Hoseok leaned his head into his shoulder, his arms wrapping around Yoongis torso. He felt Hoseoks breathe on his shirt, his hands pressed against his back. Yoongi didn’t love hugs from most people, but he was quickly learning that Hoseok wasn’t most people.
“So,” Hoseok had said a few weeks after that. “Jin says you don’t date,”
Yoongi paused before answering.
“Yeah,” was all he said.
Hoseok said nothing for a minute.
“Why?”
It was such a simple question. Why. Yoongi had been asked before. He always said the same thing.
“People are annoying. I’m better on my own,”
Technically, it wasn’t a lie. People were annoying. But Yoongi knew he was not better on his own.
He debated responding how he always did. But he looked at Hoseoks deep, caring, genuinely curious eyes and knew he couldn’t lie to him.
“I…it’s hard to explain,” he began.
“Try,” was Hoseoks reply.
“It’s like…” Yoongi tried to put it into words. “I just don’t see myself…being loved. I think…I’ve convinced myself I’m not enough. For anyone. Not even myself,” he cleared his throat quickly. “It sounds so dramatic when I say out loud,” he tried to laugh it off, but it just sounded pained.
Hoseok shook his head.
“It doesn’t sound dramatic. I think it makes sense,” he paused. “But Yoongi? You’re more then enough,”
Yoongi felt a warmth flood his cheeks.
“Mm, yeah? You sound pretty sure about that,”
“I don’t have to know you very long to know what kind of person you are,” Hoseok said wisely. He looked up and made eye contact, and Yoongi felt like he was staring into his soul.
It seemed kinda obvious for them to date after that. But Yoongi wasn’t ready, and Hoseok respected that he needed time. So instead, they just kept doing what they were doing. Talking. Laughing. Crying. Many more hugs.
One day, Hoseok was leaving Yoongis apartment. They’d just hung out and watched a movie, per usual, and Yoongi was seeing him out.
“Thanks for having me,” Hoseok said, like he always did, even though they saw each other almost every day.
“Any time,” Yoongi replied, like he always did, because it could be three in the morning and raining but if Hoseok knocked in his door, he’d let him in. Even if Seokjin objected to such disturbances during the early hours of the day.
Suddenly, Hoseok leaned forward and kissed him. It was quick, barely a peck on Yoongis lips. But it changed everything.
“Oh my god,” Hoseok gasped, stunned. “Shit. Sorry. I-I don’t know what I was-“
Yoongi didn’t wait to let him finish. He kissed him back.
It was with Hoseok that Yoongi started to believe in love again. It’s easy to believe in something that you’re falling into faster by the day.
Yoongis faith in love didn’t end with romantic love. He learned to love himself, something that took a lot of time and work, but he was getting there. He had moments where it all came back, all his doubts about himself and his worth. But he always had Hoseok to remind him who he was, how much he was loved, how much he was appreciated. He would always have Hoseok. And Hoseok would always have him.
Some things in life aren’t simple.
But this was.