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Sirius was struggling in front of Remus, trying to get the words out. His boyfriend—at least, he still hoped he was, at least his friend—had been ignoring him for the last ten minutes. The silence was deafening. He had to make this right, he had to explain.
"Remus, please talk to me. I know I messed up, just… Please , I just need to talk to you. To explain what happened…." Sirius drifted off, as soon as Remus’ attention was on him again.
The Blacks didn't pray. It was the family motto, right after Toujours Pur . They should be proud of being always pure, to have pure blood, almost the blood of royalty . And the royalty didn’t pray to the fellows. They were more important. They were better.
The Blacks were better than the other wizards and certainly, at least in the thinking of his dear family, better than the half-creatures, the hybrids. Better than Remus Lupin .
Sirius was no better than Remus. He never had, and never would have been.
"Remus, I made a mistake, I…"
"You made a mistake ?" Remus finally turned to look at him, for the first time since he and James had entered the infirmary, for the first time since he'd found out what Sirius had done, what his idea of a joke on Snape had been. What he had almost caused. What he had almost made Remus cause. “This is not a mistake , Sirius. Losing my homework, that's a mistake. Ruining my notes, that's a mistake. Getting a shirt dirty, too, is a mistake. But sending a boy to die is not a mistake.”
This was their first fight. They had discussions before, about losing homework, ruining notes, and getting shirts dirty. Remus always laughed at the end and said not to worry. It was just a mistake. It happened. Sometimes, people did something wrong. It wasn’t such a big deal. He could do better next time. Sirius, usually, would provide a huge amount of chocolate to make things up.
Chocolate wouldn’t be of any use, at that moment.
Sirius gasped. "I didn't want him to die; I… it was just a prank ."
“You know what you did, don’t you?” Remus said, his voice deathly low. Sirius felt his heart break hearing that voice directed at him. Remus had always used his in-love tone with him. It was exasperated, tired, kind, happy, sometimes even impressed. Never that empty. “Do you know what caused your little prank ? Severus Snape is certain that I am a werewolf. And sooner or later, this will ruin my life. It's something he can always use against us . Not now. Not at school. But in the future, he can use it. And he will!"
Sirius tried to defend himself, but Remus spoke, his eyes hardening. “And do you know what you could have done? At best, Severus would become a werewolf; at worst, he would die ! Not all humans survive the bite! And, either way, I would have been exactly like Fenrir Greyback. A monster."
"You are not a monster, Remus." Sirius was quick to speak, to defend the boy from himself, from the thoughts that society had instilled in him since he was a child. “You are the furthest thing from being a monster, I swear. You are a person, a wonderful, good and kind person. Someone awesome."
"Then why are you using me as a weapon, Sirius?" Remus asked, looking Sirius in his eyes. “Why, if I'm so awesome, kind, and good, did you decide to use me in your little prank ?”
Sirius didn't know how to answer.
Maybe he was just a Black. Mean, bad, arrogant, cruel, dark.
Because only a Black would break something as precious and special as Remus Lupin was.