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She felt it. The hard, cold, wooden floorboards pressed against her body. The anticipation. The darkness. Fear for the unknown, yet a strange excitement that quickened her pulse. She was surprisingly lonely.. which was almost oddly comforting. She felt like she could meditate. Forget about everything, curled up, in the shadows of this pocket, ready to be born into a new world.
She heard it. The pounding of her heart in her ears, the gentle creaking of the wood beneath feet. She could hear the swallowing of her saliva, the air being pushed in and out of her lungs. The voices of her hopeful classmates. The dissonance of the singing which only made her heart thump louder. She wondered if they heard it too.
Tenko felt pain. A sudden, brilliant, flash of pain that made her whole body tense up. A rush of warmth flowing from her nape, down her collarbone, down to her chest, down to her back, down, down, down she could feel her teeth tearing into her lip she must stay silent she must stay down, down, down,
Tenko's eyes were screwed shut. Even if they weren’t, she wouldn’t see a thing. So she was forced to listen. The sound of a strange clatter. A puncture, a pierce, the hitching of her own breath, the stream of her own blood. The hope in their voices. The hope, the hope,
The pain was blinding. The terror was debilitating. She could still feel the cold metal deep within her flesh, tearing into her skin, and she couldn’t think because it burned, it stung, it ached, it hurt, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts , was the only thing that went through her mind. She knew well that she wouldn’t make it. She could not scream, could not cry, could not move, wanted, needed it to end, could only hope for
Her bed. Tenko heard herself gasp for air as she shot up in a cold sweat. Her chest heaved as she frantically grasped at her nape and scanned the room. It didn’t hurt. Her body was fine. It wasn’t dark. There was a night light on her side of the bed. She wasn’t constricted. She had room to move around. The room wasn’t empty. There was a poster of her favorite idol group. A puppy plushie won from the arcade. The ceiling fan kept the room from being too quiet. But she was alone. Her stomach churned. Her eyes locked onto the open window.
“A-Akamatsu-san?” she mustered.
“I’m out here,” said a tired voice.
She escaped from the bed and stepped onto the balcony, feeling a cool breeze hit her skin. Kaede, who was lying down, turned her head from the stars to get a good look at Tenko. She sat up.
“You’ve been crying. Come here.”
Shakily, Tenko lowered herself to the ground and sat across from Kaede. She noticed that Kaede looked exhausted herself. Not anything like the cheerful, determined girl she first met. They had similar dark circles under their eyes. Tenko gently pulled the other girl into a hug.
“...It happened again, right?”
“Yes.” Tenko found that breathing in Kaede’s hair soothed her. It smelled like cheap shampoo. She loved the contrast between her warm skin and the cool night. She felt Kaede rub her back.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
A pause. “No, thank you. Tenko knows that she should. But… not right now.”
Another pause. “Okay.” Kaede separated from Tenko. “Just lay down and look at the stars with me.”
Their balcony was small. Kaede had laughed at her failure to fit even a lawn chair on it when they first moved in. Her laughter was contagious so Tenko had laughed as well.
They both squeezed in as much as possible, but only Tenko could fully lie on the balcony. After accepting Tenko’s offer of being used as a pillow, Kaede laid her head on her friend’s shoulder, body still about halfway in the apartment.
“Are you comfortable?”
“Yeah. Probably more comfortable than you.” Kaede smiled at her skinship with Tenko, but felt bad for Tenko’s head against the hard balcony floor.
“That’s okay!” She blurted out. “Tenko wanted to make you as comfortable as possible.” The shorter girl hoped that her friend couldn’t sense how tense she was. It wasn’t the first time they had used the balcony to distract themselves, but Tenko was still shaking, and she definitely wasn’t used to physical affection yet. She hated herself for getting flustered when she was supposed to be acting like a good friend. It almost felt as if she was betraying Kaede’s trust.
Eventually, the two relaxed as they cuddled close, studying the stars above them. Kaede slightly shifted her head. “Chabashira-san, do you see those stars directly above me? Just to your right, almost above the complex?” The other girl was silent for a second.
“Almost above that super shiny one?”
“Yes! There are four stars that kinda make a diamond shape. I was looking at them earlier.”
“Tenko sees them.” She grinned. She found the simplest things that Kaede said to be adorable. “Are there any more shapes?”
Kaede pointed in another direction. “There are some bright ones over there. It looks like a person with glowing eyes, hands, and feet.” She paused to think. “Momota-kun would probably be better at this.”
Tenko didn’t know how to respond. She just opted to say what she felt: “Tenko’s heart feels calmer when we’re together like this.”
Kaede hesitated. “I feel the same way.” Kaede took another breath to say more, but sighed instead. A minute of silence passed between the two.
“Sometimes… I wonder if I even deserve to live. Didn’t I die for a reason?”
Tenko’s stomach dropped. After what Kaede had been through, Tenko admired her for maintaining her optimism. But even she had a limit. Tenko was glad that Kaede let herself be vulnerable with her, but felt her heart break a little whenever her friend was unhappy (which was admittedly a lot).
“Everyone deserves to live. Tenko knows that you especially deserve to live, and everyone can agree with her,” she paused, “even Amami-san.”
“He says it's not my fault, and he's forgiven me anyways, but I can still tell that he’s uncomfortable around me.”
“Tenko thinks that the others are uncomfortable, too. It’s not personal… nobody knows how to handle what they’re going through.” Tenko couldn’t believe that the two of them were handling it the best out of the other victims.
“And Saihara-kun… he’s so different now. He’s a completely different person than from when I knew him. I know that I helped him, and I know that he was there for me too, but it just feels… off .”
“Tenko thinks that he would agree with you. But Saihara-san is still there for you. Tenko hears the way he talks about you. He asks about you a lot.” Tenko felt a twinge of jealousy in her gut which was quickly overridden by her guilt and her desire to comfort her friend.
“I know he does. I should really visit him more often.”
“Tenko can go with you, if that will help!” She liked that Kaede was being honest with her feelings, but needed to steer the conversation in a more positive direction.
“I think it would. Thank you, Chabashira-san.”
Tenko felt incredibly proud of herself for making Kaede smile. She was one step closer to improving her mood. After a few seconds passed, she changed the subject.
“Tenko is very grateful that Akamatsu-san was there for her after she woke up. Tenko has already told you this, but she missed you a lot. The outside world and recovery seemed a lot less horrible with Akamatsu-san nearby.” She twiddled her fingers.
“Seeing you again was one of the best and worst moments of my life.” She didn’t have to explain herself for Tenko to understand. “But I’m happy you missed me. I was happy to see you and speak to you again, and to hear about everyone else.”
Tenko was relieved.
“I especially loved hearing about your little pool party,” she laughed. “Tojo-san mentioned it, but I didn’t get to hear all the details until you woke up.”
Tenko’s eyes got wider. “S-She did?! It’s a little embarrassing that Tojo-san would talk about Tenko…”
“It wasn’t that much. Honestly, when you told me that she gave you an oil massage, I felt a little jealous. I remember my back and shoulders used to ache a lot from playing piano all day.”
“Tenko could give you an oil massage!” she blurted out. Kaede didn’t respond. “But only if you’re comfortable with that! Sorry, Tenko is being too presumptuous. If anything, you’d want to call someone more competent, like Tojo-san-”
“No, no… it’s okay. I think I’d prefer you to do it,” Kaede interrupted.
“Oh!” replied Tenko dumbly.
A few seconds of silence passed. “It’d be nice to go to an actual pool or the beach with you. It’s not fair that I didn’t get to see you in a cute swimsuit,” she nudged the shorter girl.
Tenko hoped that Kaede couldn’t see her blushing. “T-Tenko would also like that! That’s a great idea, Akamatsu-san.” She got more flustered upon imagining Kaede in a swimsuit as well.
Silence fell upon the two of them once again. Tenko’s thoughts were replaced with the stars.
“Chabashira-san?”
“Yes?”
“Since we live together, I want us to call each other by our first name. How it is right now just feels.. kinda distant sometimes,” she mumbled the last part.
Tenko pushed her embarrassment aside and focused on meeting Kaede’s desire. “Okay.. Kaede-san. Is that alright?”
“It is. Tenko-san.”
She couldn’t help but giggle. “It feels like we’re even closer now!”
“We are,” the pianist responded, and nuzzled into Tenko’s neck, giving her the best hug she could in the position they were in. “Do you wanna head back to bed now?”
“Yes.. but, um.. can we keep doing this? Like, as we’re falling asleep?” Tenko’s eye’s shut in embarrassment. She thought she was asking too much of Kaede, or taking advantage of her kindness.
“No.”
Tenko’s stomach dropped.
“I want us to be closer. I want to hold you if that’s alright.”
“You scared Tenko!” she exclaimed and let out a sigh of relief. “That’s more than alright.. Tenko would love that.”
The two returned to their bed a few minutes later. Tenko felt Kaede’s breath hit the back of her neck.
They both finally got a good night’s rest.