Chapter Text
Prologue
This is Anthony Crowley, you know what to do, do it with style…
*beep*
Crowley? It’s me, Muriel. There’s something I need to tell you, or not you, or maybe yes. Anyone. I couldn’t get a hold of Aziraphale, so there really was no other choice for me, but… any way… It’s really important, so please listen carefully. And call me back whenever you hear this! I think I might need your help… It’s about the Second Coming. But something’s weird. We all knew it would be coming, just not when and how, and Michael is all busy with the preparation, but I found this book, and it says something about really bad stuff that will happen. And you know what’s weird? It’s not Michael that will be causing it… I know it sounds crazy, and I know I shouldn’t believe everything that is written in books, that’s why they’re just books, but this one is not just a book, really… It’s the very first Bible ever written! And the author… has written a note in it, personally. Not really a note, but more like a prophecy. Like in revelations, but more realistic. I hope you don’t think I am weird now, but I got a really bad feeling about it, and it worries me a lot, so I’d be very grateful if you’d help me out with this. Call me back, please? Okay, see ya!
*beep*
Chapter 1
The Beginning of The End
“Status report?”
“The traitor Aziraphale and the demon Crowley are still separated." Uriel clasped their hands behind their back. "The mindwipe took, just like you said. They have no memory of their previous identities.”
Michael was sitting in an office chair, turned away from the other angel and facing a large hourglass that was suspended in front of them. Sand trickled down to the bottom agonizingly slowly. Uriel felt their gaze lock on the hypnotizing grains. In the reflection of the glass, they could make out Michael’s expression. They didn’t smile, yet still managed to look complacent.
“They will not get in our way this time.”
“Not now that you are Supreme Archangel,” Uriel agreed without a hint of irony.
Michael’s lip twitched. “Exactly.”
It had all happened very fast. Everything. After Gabriel and Beelzebub had distanced themselves from Heaven, Hell and Earth -God may know wherever they’ve gone, and Aziraphale had rejected the Metatron’s offer to become Supreme Archangel -for reasons that eluded them, Michael had been able to maneuver themselves into that position. Consequently, it had fallen upon them to carry out the next step in the Ineffable Plan: the Second Coming. After the Antichrist's defeat, it was time for the real Christ to walk the spheres of Earth.
There was a lot of pressure to get this plan to work and, should it be perfectly conducted, it would earn Michael eternal fame in Heaven. Just one thing – or rather, two things - had to be taken care of first. To assure nothing would get in the way this time, a certain angel and demon, who together had quite a track record of obstructing Heaven and Hell’s way, would have to be swept off that way. A mindwipe was only the appropriate measure.
But Michael was not stupid – if one might have thought that. No one in their right mind would trust these two traitors, not this blue-eyed boy and his yellow-eyed friend – whatever that would mean, not even for the most enticing promises and the sweetest words. There was nothing trustworthy about these two… unholy creatures. A mindwipe alone would certainly not be enough to keep them from coming, those two…
That is why they resorted to a drastic, but justified measure. Ripping them of their holy powers, repositioning the traitors to earth as mere humans rather than celestial beings. This way neither of them could even think about thwarting Heaven’s plan. Needless to say, Michael was very satisfied with this all.
“Aren’t you worried that Hell might seek contact with the demon?” Uriel asked apprehensively. “You did inform them of our measures, I take it.”
“I sent down a memo,” Michael answered dismissively.
Uriel frowned, knowing fully well that the chance of the demons reading something as mundane as a memo was nil.
“Even if Shax would try to contact this Crowley thing...,” Michael continued smugly. “Trust me, they’re too stupid to figure out he’s not a demon any more. And when we roll out our plan, Downstairs won’t know what hit them.”
* * *
Hell, now led by the almighty and fearless Shax, wasn’t particularly happy about the government reforms in the upper spheres, as they had no idea what to expect from the new Angel in charge. Michael’s mental state, in Shax eyes, could be best described as that of an emotionally unstable lady in their midlife crisis while enduring the symptoms that come with the entering of the menopause. A very unpredictable enemy.
What Shax feared most turned out to be exactly what Michael was planning: the enactment of the Second Coming. Previously, this omni-destructive plan had been prevented by the alliance between former Lord of Hell, Beelzebub, with former Archangel, Gabriel – as it could well mean the end of eternity -and thus, the loss of their respective ‘other half’, or ‘soulmate’.1 But because Shax did not have such a heartwarming relationship with Michael, such cozy cabal was out of question.
What was there to fear about it? Wasn’t the Second Coming something they had been looking forward to since the disaster of Armageddon? Not really. Armageddon would have meant the victory of either Hell of Heaven – well, Hell, of course. But the Second Coming was something bigger, more disastrous.
The enactment of the Second Coming would divide the world forever. Irreversibly. The righteous dead would live together with the righteous living. All sinners would be doomed and sent off to Hell. The Universe would be split into good and bad, right and wrong. Hell would be just hell, hell on Earth, and Heaven would be just heaven, heaven on Earth. From that moment on, people would be born either good or bad. They would either be born in Hell or Heaven – the Earth versions of them. No more choices, no more temptations. Neither demon nor angel would have anything to do to win over souls for their respective sides. What would be fun in that? There would be no meaning to life any more, and so this was a very realistic fear for the new ruler of Hell.
Of course this was all just Hell’s interpretation of the Second Coming. Nobody actually knew what was going to happen. Not demons, not angels nor saints. This, of course, made perfect sense, because the Final Judgment should come unexpectedly and people should be prepared at all times. However, this vagueness left room for a lot of speculation.
For example, it has been predicted that the Second Coming will be like the 7 plagues with Moses and Aaron, but worse. Other sources speak of a less gradual Coming. An instant event, a blink of an eye, in which Evil will be ‘punished’2 and Good will conquer. Others believe that Jesus Christ, the mighty Lord, will descend to the Earth on a cloud, in a beam of sunlight. He will stand on the top of a mountain, on a dark and stormy morning. From there, high and dry above the miserable masse, he will save the Unsaved and doom the Doomed.
All of this was untrue. Not even close to the truth. And Gabriel, former Archangel, had known this. It had even been because he was reluctant to execute this ‘Second Coming’, that the other higher angels had voted for a no-confidence motion. After this, Gabriel’s resignation had been imminent. Being stripped of his title, he had headed directly to Aziraphale, former angel of the Eastern-Gate, a traitor that up until recently had been condoned as long as there was no further interference from his side in God’s Ineffable Plan – or any other traitor-isch behaviour, such as fraternizing with the enemy. Taking into account Aziraphale's former efforts to derail Heaven’s holy plans, Gabriel had reckoned him the perfect person to take over his position as Archangel. But that plan had failed, unfortunately.
If one thing was true among all the poetic and cryptic prophecies written in the Bible, it was the lines that Daniel had written in his part of the Book, a very long time ago:
“And at that time shall Michael stand up, the great prince which standeth for the children of thy people: and there shall be a time of trouble, such as never was since there was a nation [...]” (Daniel 12:1).
And there would, indeed, be times tougher than anyone in the long dark history of mankind could have ever suffered or fantasized about. It was Michael's greatest, although yet unknown, plan. And the mortal voices of God, written in the Book, had claimed there was no stopping them.
Those scriptures, however, had been written a very long time ago. As one knows, with time comes new insights, just like with age comes wisdom, and not that long ago a new prophecy had appeared in the Book. More specifically, in one particular version of them: A very first-edition of the Bible was in possession of the former angel of the Eastern Gate, traitor of the heavenly forces, safe keeper of the books, Aziraphale. Or, now that he had been demoted to a ‘position elsewhere’3 it was actually in possession of Muriel, angel of the 37th rank, who had taken upon them the task of bookkeeper-heavenly ambassador. Or at least, it had been.
* * *
So far, everything had been going according to Michael's plan. They had control over the embassy and the traitors were oblivious to the Holy Plan that was forthcoming. The situation on Earth had been just as usual; wars, natural disasters, humanitarian catastrophes, extinction of species and the general decrease in Earth’s livability. In the meantime, Michael had been working on the preparations for the Second Coming. It wasn’t an easy job, if one might have thought that. It required a lot of planning and fantasy. And the latter, as Crowley had noticed a long time ago, wasn’t a particular strenght of celestials, both angels and demons. As were technical skills, but that was beside the point.
The best way to destroy Earth, at least in Crowley’s opinion, was to not interfere with humans at all, as “they are stupid enough to destroy their own realms”. The most creative ways to take steps closer to complete chaos and destruction had always, since the beginning of time, been thought of by humans themselves. It hadn’t been the brilliance of Hell, nor that of heaven. As such, it had taken Michael a long time to figure out the most ‘unexpected’ way of bringing forth the long awaited Second Coming.
“Maybe we should create an all covering flood to wash away all the bad and when the water subsides, all bad people have sunken to the darkness of hell and all good people will walk again the surface of the Earth.” Michael suggested after spending about 10 minutes pensively glaring at the big hourglass that was hovering in front of them. Their hands were folded and just both the index fingers pointed out to rest their head on.
Uriel sighed. They had lost count of the number of times they had already had this conversation. “That has already happened, Michael. You should reread your classics.”
“Oh… I knew that.” Michael resumed their pondering.
Uriel was not all that expectant anymore. However great they had deemed Michaeal, Uriel couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed in them. Michael had been so excited about the enactment of the Second Coming, but now, on what was supposed to be their moment supreme, they seemed to not even know how the plan had to be executed.
Yes… politics in the heavenly spheres didn’t really differ from the earthly variant.
“What about that prophecy with the knight on the horse with the sword in his mouth? That seems to me a very unlikely thing to happen,” Uriel proposed, “We would still have to change it a little, so that it is truly ‘unexpected’.”
Michael looked reflective. “That could work… But a knight on a horse is a bit outdated. Last time I visited Earth, there didn’t seem to be any castles or knights. I’m sure with the latest inventions this Holy Knight, however holy it might be, will be slaughtered in the blink of an eye.”
Uriel nodded. Creativity still had its requirements, such as, whatever happens should be more powerful than anything that had walked the Earth’s spheres before. And of course, it should bring eternal perdition to the world - should the world still exist after all had been done.
Michael turned around in the swivel chair. “Okay, how about we send them huge, flying creatures that can breathe fire?”
“They went extinct."
“Bring life to all Angel statues to bring doom to the world.”
“Has been done before.”4
“Alien invasion.”
“Boring.”
“Let's invent weapons that can wipe out entire nations.”
“They’ve already done that themselves,” Uriel sighed.
“How come these stupid, clueless mortals have already thought of this themselves?” Michael grunted and rubbed their face in frustration.
“Well, they are all written in these things they call books. Well, not all of them, some of them are actually real, but… “ Uriel cleared their throat, looking at Michael, who didn’t seem to care much about the explanation.
“How come,” Michael restated slowly, “these books contain such great fantasies.”
“They are written by the depressed, meant to traumatize the innocent,” Uriel declared, “Or by those who have inhaled or consumed certain components that help them with their creative outings, such as some of ours have done in the past.”
Michael slowly looked up from their hands, a deep frown carved in their face. “These books… That is what that traitor liked to read so much, isn’t it?”
“Yes, that is correct.” Uriel nodded.
“And he kept those in that shop of his?”
“Also correct.”
Michael, without a word, turned back in their chair, again facing the hourglass, and crossed their arms.
“Technically,” Uriel continued, “The bookshop isn’t his any more.”
The only response that came from the back of the chair was a deep, slow sigh. Uriel cleared their throat. “As you know, Muriel, 37th rank Angel, is now in charge of the embassy.”
Silence. Uriel stood there, awkwardly awaiting a response from the almighty Archangel. They had dealt with both Michael and an Archangel before, but the combination of them in one being required another level of communication and social skills - as far as celestial beings like themselves could be considered social creatures .
“Bring them here,” Michael suddenly commanded.
Very well. Uriel bowed their head. They weren’t even surprised. They weren’t even wondering what was going on inside Michael’s head. They had grown past that point. “I will be back.” They turned around and headed to the elevator.
“And don’t forget those books. We need those books.” Michael called after them.
Footnotes
1. This would obviously mean the end of the world either way. return to text
2. Killed. return to text
3. Just like the Dutch politician Pieter Omtzigt would have been demoted to a position elsewhere. return to text
4. Don't blink. return to text