Chapter Text
It was midday on a Monday. It started like any other day with taking the bus to school and half paying attention to classes. When you have lived long enough to experience the dull pains of monotonous life, the world seems to blur together. Your innocent youth, your bratty teen angst, and the bland days spent working nights at your job, all blend together in a foggy blur. I honestly thought it would take longer for my life to get to that point, but I guess being a provider for your household starting at the age of ten really puts a damper on one's outlook on life.
I vaguely listened to Cartman's newest business model he was preaching to Leo. It had something to do with quantum fashion: fusing quantum physics and avant-garde fashion. After he started going on about the different possible membership tiers, I officially tuned out today's obscure tirade. I bid the two goodbyes, which went unheard by the brunette, as I typically found myself in whatever friendship dynamic this was. At the very least, it allowed for swift escapes from Cartman's speeches. Leo gave me a sympathetic nod and waved to me as I left the table they sat at.
Today, that Monday, set a block in the middle of that boring daily routine. The school bell went off alerting all the students that study hall had ended and they had five minutes to get to their next class. It took a matter of seconds before the halls went from a bustling ant hill to a barren cobweb.
I walked past various corridors killing time before having to commit to another hour-long lecture on today's subject of the week, when I noticed something down one of the halls caught my eye. The bright and fiery red hair of Kyle Broflovski. I didn't see him around often as our friend groups didn't intersect much anymore. It wasn't like I wanted us to drift apart since middle school. It just happened that way. Now don't get me wrong, we got along just fine and we could hold a conversation well if we find ourselves alone in a class. But, he and Stan went down their path of sports and academics when they got into high school, while I... Let's just say I'm was still friends with Cartman and Butters, so not the most popular bunch.
What caught my attention was the fact that he wasn't in class yet. If Kyle Broflovski was anything, he was punctual. I watched from the sidelines partly out of curiosity, and mainly out of boredom. He took a good amount of time looking over something hidden out of sight in his locker, before pulling back and shutting the locker door a bit too loudly. In his hand was a piece of paper that he folded haphazardly and shoved into his coat pocket. I ducked behind a wall as he glanced in my direction. I wasn't sure exactly why I hiding from him, however, at the moment, I was acting on impulse. I watched as he went out a side exit. Of course, this piqued my interest. Kyle ditching class: unheard of. Me on the other hand?
I followed close behind and quietly shut the door behind me to not alert the redhead. He walked to the dumpsters and pulled the paper back out. He read over the letter and groaned in frustration. The sound of paper tearing bounced off the metal dumpster containers. First was a rip down the middle, then another tearing two pieces into four. I began to lose count as the whole sheet of paper turned into confetti. I was at a loss for words watching Kyle discard the shredded paper into the dumpster.
We stood there in silence for a moment. Kyle took in a long deep breath through his nose that sounded semi-obstructed by mucus. He then turned back around to face the door. The door I was standing in front of. In my surprise at watching the other's actions, I forgot to make like a tree.
Kyle's face drained of color. There was the beginning of tears gathering at the corner of his slightly reddened eyes, which widened as he quickly wiped them away. He looked as if he wanted to say something but could only mutter, "What are-? How long-?" He bobbed between panic and questions but never landed on anything.
Seeing his alarm, I turned to the only thing I knew to diffuse the situation: comedy. "Oh, I see what's going on here! So, you're just too cool to read your secret admirer's passionate declarations, huh? Ripping up a love letter like it's no big deal!" I joked to lighten the mood. However, something happened that I didn't expect. All the color that had previously drained flooded back tenfold. Kyle turned his head to avoid my eyes.
I blinked a few times to regain myself, "Really? It was a love letter?!" I grew excited for the boy. For as long as I've known him he always had failed relationships seeing as they never lasted over a week. As a matter of fact, I don't think I have seen him with anyone since we entered high school.
"No! No one gave me a love letter," Kyle said defensively.
Kyle's avoidance and red face were evidence enough that he was lying to me. "Really? Then what are you so embarrassed by?" I teased.
I leaned in slightly, trying to get in Kyle's line of sight, only to find him moving further away from me. His eyebrows scrunched and, unable to bear the pressure, he blurted out, "Not to me," keeping his attention on the bricks making up the wall.
It took me a moment before I understood what he meant by those words. "You wrote someone a love letter?!" I exclaimed, shocked he would write someone a love letter and even more that he would admit to it. Kyle never turned his attention back to me, but his face went from a light shade of pink to a deep fushia.
"Well, why would you tear it up? Come on, I always thought you were a good writer."
Kyle looked cornered. He tried to look past me but I towered over him, blocking him from his escape. Morally it may have not been the correct thing to do, but it was hard to contain my curiosity. Kyle released an exhausted sigh and said, "Look, the letter wasn't meant to be read by anyone and I shouldn't have ever written it, so just drop it, okay?."
"What do you mean?"
"This stupid crush has only brought me more issues than pleasantries. The faster I get over it the faster my life will return to normal."
Kyle appeared angry at himself. Embarrassed, yes, but rooted in a deep annoyance rather than an innocent love. "Normal? What's not normal about having a crush?"
He looked surprised at my remark then a brief wave of panic washed over him. It took only a moment for Kyle to experience all these emotions before reverting to a more collected demeanor.
"I- um. You wouldn't understand." Kyle dodged the question and went back to searching for an exit from the conversation.
"Try me."
Kyle, yet again, gave up on his attempts to escape and looked back to me. He looked me up and down and took some time to consider before he came to some conclusion, "The one I like... is a guy..." He looked up at me guiltily. It was hard to distinguish whether the guilt came from a disappointment in himself or the negative outlook he had placed on himself. Either way, the words he said made my heart ache.
"Why is you having a crush on a boy not normal? You know I'm willing to sleep with anyone with a pair of legs and a good personality."
I didn't intend to sound as defensive as it ended up coming out. Thankfully it looked like Kyle didn't take note of the inflections in my tone of voice.
"I know I know, and it's not a problem for you. No one expects you to be this perfect child. You are free to be what you want to be without repercussions. But my parents - and don't get me wrong, they aren't homophobic - it's just that, you know, with us being Jewish and all, it's like if I came out as gay then I wouldn't fit into their perfect ideal world they created around us. But, Kenny, I don't know, I'm just not perfect, but at least I can pretend to be. You know?"
I looked down at Kyle with dismay. This poor kid was suffocating under the weight of expectations from the people around him. "Kyle, you can pretend to be whatever you want to be to feel safe around your family, but you shouldn't dismiss your feelings just to lie to yourself. Being true to yourself is one of the few ways to be content with your life."
Kyle's shoulders slumped and he looked down at his feet to think about what I said. "But," he looked back up to me, "how do I be true to myself?"
I'm not much of a self-help guide book so I said the first thing that came to mind, "Um...Well, how about trying to confess to your crush?"
Unexpectedly, Kyle simply replied, "You think so?" I didn't think he would take the words I said seriously, much less actually consider them. The idea of Kyle Broflovski having a crush on someone and seriously contemplating confessing to said individual was mind-boggling. I wanted to know what kind of person would attract his attention.
"Do you think he would be okay with you being attracted to men?" I asked in concern.
Kyle thought about it for a moment before he broke into a cheeky grin, "There's no doubt in my mind. He's just that kind of guy."
The look in his eyes. Those of devoted admiration. I never in my life thought I would see that look come from Kyle. His bright rays of affection bounced awkwardly off me, "Then go for it. At the very least you can explore a side of you you never believed you could, and best case scenario, you got a hot new boyfriend."
His smile faded and was replaced with his eyebrows scrunching in thought, "But, I don't know how to confess to someone," he stood there in silence his hand covering his mouth in contemplation. "I'm not much of the romantic type." I seemed to be erased from existence as Kyle pondered how he would speak his undying words of affection. I always hated when he got into the state. Nothing else mattered to him at this moment besides himself and his thoughts. It's annoying being in front of someone who doesn't register your presence.
"How about I help you," I blurted out without thought. I mainly wanted to bring his attention back to me. However, I was taken aback when he actually started to debate the idea.
"Would you?" he asked
"I- um- sure. Why not?" I mainly asked myself.
Kyle's smile returned to his face. This time, though, it was filled with affectionate warmth. Seeing this, my heart wavered. I wondered whether I was doing the right thing. It couldn't hurt though, could it?
Kyle jumped out of his skin at the realization that he was beyond late for his class. He checked the time on his watch and rushed to the door's entrance. "Shit, it's already been this long?" he muttered to himself. He stopped with his hand on the handle and turned back around to me. "If you don't mind, we can meet up after school to discuss the details." He waited expectantly for my reply.
I nodded, "Sure, I can do that." With that, Kyle turned back to the door and ran inside, leaving me to wonder what I was doing.
The day passed in a blink and I found myself stuffed uncomfortably in the preppy coffee shop chair of Tweek Bros. The strong aroma of coffee and artificial syrups flooded the air. It was neither mine nor Kyle's first choice location for the discussion, but within the confines of a small town, it seemed to be the only place holding any sort of formality.
I had arrived first, as I was waiting for Kyle to get out of one of his many after-school activities that I couldn’t keep track of.
The sound of a bell jingling pulled my attention to the door. Kyle poked his head in and searched the shop before he made eye contact with me. He smiled sheepishly and approached me. He took his ushanka off, placed it on the table, and shook out his curls. Ever since he entered high school, he’d become less embarrassed of his hair. Separating from Cartman's tyranny soon after entering most likely helped.
"Thanks for meeting me here. I honestly wasn't sure if you were gonna show."
What Kyle implied upset me. I didn't think I ever gave off that characteristic, but I guess with my background it's hard to avoid.
Kyle must have seen my reaction and scrambled to explain, "No, no, not like that. I didn't think you would ditch me. It's just, to be honest, I wasn't sure if you were serious about helping me. I was worried I read it wrong and you were joking, like usual."
My dumb habit made him more insecure, and I assumed he was criticizing me. I felt guilty. However, I admired and appreciated his sincerity. I smiled up at him and shook my head, "Sorry. It's been a while for us, hasn't it? Save for the occasional 'hello' in the hallway and a discussion of a new video game between classes, it hasn't really been just us having a real talk in a long time. We’re both still stuck on an idea of what we used to be ignoring the fact we have long grown up since."
Kyle smiled back and nodded with a hum, "Let's try again then and start over. Forget everything else, let's just catch up today."
"Sure." I felt content; like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. A weight I was unaware of until now.
"I'm gonna get something to drink." He looked down at the table in front of me and frowned. "Are you gonna get anything?"
"Nah, I'm good, go ahead."
Kyle's frown remained but he walked away muttering something along the lines of 'being right back'. I watched Kyle order his drink and return to the table to sit in front of me empty-handed. We sat in uncomfortable silence for what felt like ten minutes but was more like ten seconds. Eventually, he broke the silence, "Mrs. Tweak said she would bring the coffee to the table when she's done."
"That's nice of her."
Kyle only nodded and hummed in agreement again. He focused his attention on his jacket cuff like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
"So, how are-"
"What have you-"
We both started at the same time. We stared at each other in silence for a moment before falling into a fit of chuckles.
"Go ahead. What were you saying?" Kyle asked.
"It's not important, you go first," I replied.
"I was just wondering how Karen-" Right on cue, Mrs. Tweak arrived with two drinks in her hand and set one down in front of each of us.
"You boys enjoy, now."
I looked at the drink in confusion, "I didn't order-" Uninterested, the lady had long walked away to attend to the next customers.
I looked to Kyle who was trying to avoid looking me in the eyes. He sipped on his mug of coffee and feigned ignorance to my gaze. "You didn't have to buy me a drink," I said uncomfortably.
"It's not a big deal, it's not that expensive."
I sigh irritably, "That's not the issue, you know I don't like handouts."
"Handouts? This isn't a handout!" What I said seemed to spark irritation in Kyle. "It's a thank-you gift for helping me," he huffed.
"But, still it-"
"Kenny."
"Yes?"
"Shut up and drink the damn coffee." With his bluntness, I found my mouth zipped up. His aggressive hospitality reminded me of my mother and with that a smirk edged at the corner of my lips. I looked down; unlike the hot mug of black coffee held in Kyle's hands, in front of me was a plastic cup full of iced coffee alongside varying flavors of creamers to add based on my own preference. Kyle eyed my actions and eventually said, "I wasn't sure what you liked, so I played it safe." He returned to his nonchalant demeanor, but I could tell he was worried about something.
"This is fine," I said as I stirred in a bunch of creamers to the coffee. I see Kyle relax a bit, "But, to be honest, I'm really into sweets," I continue.
Kyle perks up in response and gives me a dumb-looking grin. Pleased with himself, he says, "Okay, I'll keep that in mind for next time."
With the look he is giving me, I can't help but smile back. Still, all I can muster is, "Yeah, next time."
The uncomfortable air disappeared. The petty squabble between us reminded me of how the four of us were in the past, always at each other's throats. It was a reminder that no matter how pissed we got at each other, by the end of the day, we would be over and forgotten about the issue at hand.
We spent the majority of the hour catching up on our lives: future life plans, sibling banters, and humiliating stories from our respective friend groups. Compared to the constant shouting and annoying get-rich-quick schemes from Cartman, it was peaceful. I enjoy Leo's companionship, but there was something different when talking to Kyle that I couldn't place. Maybe it was the fact that Kyle could hold an intelligent conversation, or the fact that he wouldn't constantly give me looks of pity. But, I felt like I could let my guard down and open up to him.
"...and as we were walking down the path the screeching sound just kept getting louder. We ended up having to stop and look around to try to determine the source of the noise. When all of a sudden... A squirrel jumps out of the tree and jumps on Stan!" Kyle stopped to cackle at the memory before recollecting himself and continuing, "And he started screaming bloody murder begging the squirrel to get off him, but it just wouldn't let go of him." He teared up laughing, wiped away the single tear, and finished, "It finally went away when Stan threw the rest of his circus peanuts into the woods and it chased after them."
"Jesus Christ," I laughed, "What's with Stan attracting strange woodland creatures."
"I don't know, man, I swear he did something to piss them off." Kyle smiled radiantly. He stared off into the distance seemingly reliving the memory. I watch him giggle in remembrance. Wanting to pull his attention back to me, I brought up the topic we originally planned to discuss.
"So, about this secret fascination, how did y'all meet?"
Kyle's ears tinged pink as his face morphed into a pout. His reaction was quite endearing. "I thought we weren't going to be talking about that today..."
"Well, no other day like today, so stop stalling. Who's the target of your desires?" In such a small town where everyone knows everyone, I felt compelled to find out who attracted Kyle's attention.
"That... That's something I can't admit..." I gave him a look of confusion but decided to not push him anymore. I was curious but I didn't want to scare him off.
"Okay, then what do you like about him?"
Kyle's blush deepened as he turned away to avoid looking me in the face. "I don't know. He's nice?"
"Aw come on Kyle, I've never seen you take a romantic interest so seriously till now, there's gotta be more to it than 'he's nice'." Kyle didn't reply and continued to watch Mrs. Tweak mix a drink. "I need to know what I'm going up against, why are you so embarrassed? Oh! Is it cause he's gotta a big dick or something?"
Kyle sputtered out his coffee, face beet red, "Kenny! What the fuck!?" He franticly looked around the coffee shop to see if anyone heard my statement. He only calmed down when he saw no one paid any attention to the two of us.
Watching his paranoid outbreak made me realize something. I have always been open and adamant about what and who I liked. If someone judged me for my preferences, I didn't give a shit. There were bigger issues to face in the world than someone's opinion, like whether the next paycheck would be enough to keep the power running for the next month. But for Kyle, the honor roll captain of the basketball varsity team. He's spent his entire life worried about how his image was being presented. Battling under the eyes of teammates, teachers, college admissions, and parents, he has never had time to enjoy the life he has without fear of criticism.
"You're done with your drink, yeah?" I asked.
Kyle looked taken aback at the drastic change in topic. "Uh sure?"
"Come on, I'll walk you home. We can talk on the way." Kyle tilted his head in confusion before standing up and nodding in agreement.
We walked in silence for several minutes. As we started to near the playground, I spoke up, "Since it's just us now, are you ready to talk about it?"
Kyle stared at me with surprise. After coming to some kind of realization he smiled and looked back to the sidewalk. "I don't remember when it was I started liking him like that. I think just one day while we were talking about our future I thought to myself, 'I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with you'. I then spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what I meant by that thought and came to terms with the fact that I liked him."
Police detectives say that if you want more information from a subject, to remain silent and let them fill in the gaps of silence on their own. Naturally, they will give more details since the lack of a reply indicates that the story is not over. So, that was what I did. I allowed Kyle the space and voice to speak his thoughts and emotions. It didn't take any nudging on my end to provoke it. Kyle spoke like it was his first time doing it.
"Sometimes I notice when I'm telling him a story he will be watching and smiling at me and it takes my breath away. Like, wow, I really have this guy's attention. Or when he comes over to hang out, he will mention that he stopped at the convenience store and grabbed my favorite snack, like he's always thinking about me. It's little things like this that make me realize how well he treats me and how important I am to him. I feel real around him. Like I actually exist in the grand scheme of things and not a role in this cookie-cutter play set of a world."
I wondered how long he held this in. It seemed rehearsed like he would tell himself this speech every night in the hopes that someone would listen. And here I was, listening. There's a special feeling knowing that you are trusted enough to be involved in another's deeply rooted feelings.
I watched Kyle with a smile as he finished up his tangent. He grinned fondly to himself before realizing that he had spoken too much. He blushed to himself and shriveled into his coat to attempt to hide. "Just forget everything I just said," Kyle mumbled into his coat collar.
"Nope, not gonna happen. It's already logged into my head."
"Ugh, Kenny," Kyle groaned into his hands, hiding his face.
"And, no I will not let you live it down," I chuckled. Kyle whacked me in the back of my head in a playful manner only causing me to laugh more. Soon, he followed suit and joined me.
We neared the train tracks and I started to turn to make my way down to Kyle's house when he stopped me, "Oh no, it's ok. You don't have to actually walk me to my house." I pouted but dropped the subject.
"If you say so, your highness." He gave me a disgusted look and moved on.
"Anyways, thanks for helping me. I know this is a weird thing to ask for help with, but I really appreciate what you are doing for me."
Embarrassed with the flattery, I say, "It's no big deal. I'm a pro at this kinda stuff, so it should be a piece of cake."
Kyle scoffed, "Yeah, okay, Casa Nova."
"What? You don't think I'm good enough?"
"Dude, I'll agree when I see results."
"I’m holding you to it. Trust me with my foolproof plan, the man of your dreams will be putty in your hands."
Kyle's giggle struck something inside me, causing me to beam. "Okay, but if it doesn't work, then I want a refund."
"Oo sorry, man, I don't do refunds."
"Stingy bastard," Kyle shoved me lightly and went quiet for a moment, "...But, really, Kenny, thanks."
"Of course."
Kyle smiled and turned to start walking down the street, "See you tomorrow." I waved to him and turned away to walk past the tracks to my house.
That day I saw a different side of Kyle. A side I never expected to see from the boy. It was simply beautiful to witness. That someone could shake up another person's life so drastically that it could ignite such a flame. Everything about this situation intrigued me and I couldn't help but want to see more of this side of Kyle.
I arrived at the stoop of the beat-up trailer known as my house. Quietly, I slipped in and immediately headed straight toward the kitchen, where the sounds of chopping could be heard. I took off the hair tie around my wrist and pulled my hair up out of my face into a ponytail.
"Sorry, I'm late. What's on the menu for tonight?" I asked in a hushed tone.
"Stew," Karen said simply, cutting a badly bruised chunk out of a tomato. One of the added benefits of her volunteering at a food pantry is getting the food considered 'too far gone' for the homeless.
"Oh, my favorite!" I grab a couple of stalks of celery and join her on the cutting board.
"It's the only thing I know how to make," she said, unamused.
"And that's why it's my favorite," I said as I ruffled her hair. She swatted at my hands like I was a pesky fly.
"Stop it! Hurry up and finish chopping so we can wake Mom up for dinner."
I returned to the celery and whistled the tune of some generic pop song currently on the radio that had ear-wormed its way into my brain.
Karen glanced over and commented, "You seem happier than usual, did something happen?"
I stop and think about it for a moment. Eventually, I smile and reply, "I have a group project I'm working on."
"Oh yeah, what's it on?"
"Love in the modern era."