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“Not everyone can dance. But everyone will. Welcome to Night Vale.”
[Night Vale intro music plays]
“The Night Vale City Council is having a meeting today about the giant cat people who are looking to start up a new garbage disposal service in the area. Reporters at the City Council meeting say that the giant cat people will most likely get their wish. It is unknown what the giant cat people will do with the trash, but they are assuring us not to worry about it. So show your support and leave your trash in your old science fair volcanoes for them to collect!”
[Papers shuffling]
“The Night Vale PTA is hosting a community bake sale to raise money for a trip to the Waterfront Recreation Area. They will sell exploding fruitcakes, filing cabinets, beets, beating hearts, and cupcakes. The Glow Cloud (ALL HAIL) will be selling a plethora of animal carcasses of varying sizes. So go out there and get yourself some baked goods!”
“And now to traffic. Ahh the traffic is really bad out there. There is a stop light down on Blood Blossom Boulevard that just won't turn green. People have been waiting there for hours now, not moving. It’s honestly a little creepy. Hang on a moment, that car was not red before. Neither was that bike, it was definitely blue a moment ago. And the biker themself, that is not a normal skin tone. Unless of course you have a serious case of the Planet Mars, then my bad and I offer my apologies. The color red is spreading. It’s now halfway down the block. The vehicles and the people inside them are all turning a bright shade of red. How far will this continue? How long until all of Night Vale is cast in an ominous red glow? And oh would you look at that. The lights turned green and everything’s back to normal. Traffic is moving again folks, nothing to worry about.”
[More paper shuffling]
“Today’s Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner! Vivisection is the act of dissecting something, which is cutting it open and poking around its insides, when it is still alive! And vivisection is considered a form of torture! So keep that in mind when you get your kids their “My First Dissection” kits, and keep them away from the family pet. You won’t want to see what happens if they get ahold of dear Mr. Fluffers. This has been Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner!”
[Dramatic music playing faintly in background to show this is the important part]
“Night Vale High School’s prom night has begun, and it is popping off. Every high schooler is attending. Local football star Michael Sandero is wearing a very stylish plaid tuxedo. His date is wearing a dress made entirely out of loofahs, as is tradition.”
“Oh, looks like the DJ is starting the night off with the Cha Cha Slide. [https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ?si=65p_LOWKpGBj7u2u] Everyone is having a great time dancing together. Hmm. That’s odd. Listeners, I can hear the Cha Cha Slide faintly playing outside of the station.”
[The Cha Cha Slide is now barely audible from the outside]
“Well this is strange. Listeners, people shopping in the grocery stores are now dancing the Cha Cha Slide. People walking on the streets are dancing the Cha Cha Slide. A note has been slipped in from under the door. Even Station Management is dancing the Cha Cha Slide. John Peters, you know, the farmer? Is doing the Cha Cha Slide. I’ve just been informed that the City Council is doing the Cha Cha Slide.”
[The Cha Cha Slide heard outside gets slightly louder]
“Intern Janice has been sent to investigate this mysterious occurrence. Intern Janice has reported that Old Lady Josie and her friends that are totally not angels are dancing the Cha Cha Slide. Carlos, beautiful Carlos, is also dancing the Cha Cha Slide. The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home is dancing the Cha Cha Slide. Even though you cannot see her, she is dancing. She told me to tell you so. Listeners, I am being told by Station Management that we need to play our ad from our sponsor, as this recent incident does not mean we can slack off on that. This incident is not being referred to as a catastrophe, as the only catastrophe around here is Desert Bluffs.”
[Crashing noise is heard]
[Music changes to indicate it’s sponsor time]
“You decide to spend the day in the forest enjoying the solitude and the silence. It is lovely. All of a sudden you feel something impelling you to head towards a clearing farther in. In the center lies a gigantic labyrinth. You feel as if you need to go in. It’s a long and winding route, as is common in labyrinths. At the center stands an obelisk of obscure origin. It is surrounded by cats. You walk towards it, as if in a trance. There is a plaque in front of it, but all it says is “Obelisk of Obscure Origin”, which is redundant. It seems as though the cats are performing a ritual. At the front of all the cats sits a dismembered corpse of a wolf. The cats seem to exalt it. It must be a righteous ritual that you have intruded on. You leave immediately after, and vow to never set foot in the forest again, lest you be the next sacrifice in the ritual.”
“This message was brought to you by Meow Mix.”
[The Cha Cha Slide is heard, even louder this time, indicating that the sponsor has ended]
“Listeners, I am now dancing the Cha Cha Slide. You, dear Listeners, are dancing the Cha Cha Slide. The Almighty Glow Cloud (ALL HAIL) is dancing the Cha Cha Slide. And… hold on… Listeners, this is no longer the Cha Cha Slide. I do not know what dance we are doing, but it is not the Cha Cha Slide. The song tells us to slide to the left, but we are all sliding to the right. Now it is telling us to ‘take it back now yall,’ but there is a hole in the floor.”
[The voice in the song is heard saying “One hop this time”]
“Listeners, I am lying on the floor in pain. The voice told us to all jump, and when we did our legs gave out and we all came crashing to the ground. Listeners, we have just been told ‘right foot let’s stomp, left foot let’s stomp,’ and now I am floating upside down. Why don’t we now go to the WEATHER!”
[There is a faint “Cha Cha real smooth” heard in the background, followed by crashing noises]
[A Story About You by Mark Deck plays https://youtu.be/Jwd5bagcvJo?si=7xdd0PfiH_TYZOsf ]
“And we are back. Listeners, I do not know how this has happened, but everything has returned to normal. Oh, yes, intern Janice has tragically died. She was trampled to death by a mob of people dancing the Cha Cha Slide. To the parents of intern Janice. We regret to inform you that your daughter was lost in the line of community radio duty, and that she will be missed, but never forgotten. She will be buried in the break room, as is custom. The students attending the Night Vale High School Prom are now dancing to the Cupid Shuffle, and absolutely nothing is going wrong. I hope that the high schoolers continue to have a fantastic evening, and I hope that you, dear Listeners, do as well. Good night, Night Vale, good night.”