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The healing process was never easy. Often times, it felt like the stinging of one thousand tiny papercuts and other times, it left you breathless and exhausted. And, unfortunately, tonight was no different.
The nightmares that Bucky had fought so hard to ward off had suddenly emerged yet again. The usual things that brought them on, such as stress from the missions or lack of sleep, would bring them on, but this time it was different. This time, there had been no obvious triggers as to why they had come back. Everything had been going perfect.
Bucky's therapist had mentioned in one of his previous sessions, that there would be moments, sometimes random, where the past memories would resurface and make him relive certain things that he had once put away. The therapist had also said that not all memories would be brought on by triggering noises or phrases and that it was simply the body and mind's way of healing.
It was well passed 1:00 a.m., yet neither of your brains could seem to shut down. The crying and the screaming inside Bucky's mind had been far too loud and realistic. Flashbacks of the fire and the smoke replayed inside of his mind as he had tried his hardest to search for you, only to have been too late.
Small beads of sweat trickled down Bucky's spine as he clung to you for dear life, trying to convince himself that everything was alright and that it was just a nightmare. His body was clammy and trembling like a leaf. His heart no longer sped like a freight train, but wasn't quite at the normal pace yet.
"Can I get you some water?" You asked after what felt like an eternity of silence.
"No..." Bucky replied, his voice hoarse and thick with emotion. "Please...don't go."
Bucky was all but begging and hated it. He hated how pathetic and small he sounded, yet he desperately needed you. He desperately needed to be reminded that everything was going to be alright and that what had happened was all a figment of his imagination.
"I won't." You reassured him. "I promise. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, not right now..."
Pulling back just enough to look into his soft blue eyes, you placed your hands on either side of his face and smiled ever so softly.
"I love you."
"I love you too, doll." Bucky answered, feeling somewhat better. "I'm sorry..."
"For what?"
"For all of this..." He sighed. "This has been the third night in a row where neither of us have gotten any sleep."
"Babe, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I've lost count of the many times that you've stayed up all night with me, after the nightmares that I've had in the past. I can at least do the same thing for you."
"I know, but...I don't like feeling weak..." Bucky admitted, feeling his heart shatter all over again. "Just when I think I'm healed, something like this happens and I'm back to square one."
"Healing takes time, love. It's not something that happens overnight, unfortunately." You grinned, leaning in to kiss his nose. "But I promise to be here by your side through it all. No matter what."
"I don't deserve you." Bucky whispered, his lips gently leaning in to meet your own.
The kiss was loving, yet unhurried. Each movement, each brush against the skin, was tender and feather-like. Bucky gently tucked some hair behind your ear and deepened the kiss just enough to let you know just how much he truly loved you.
Minutes later, Bucky eventually pulled back, feeling his heart rate beginning to return to normal. A tiny, yet kind smile appeared on his face as he soon found himself lost in your eyes.
"I know I already said this, but I love you, doll."
"I love you too, Bucky. Forever."
Placing one last kiss on your forehead, Bucky breathed in the scent of your shampoo, feeling everything slowly begin to fall into place. The fear and been replaced by calmness and peace. The nightmare had been long forgotten.
"Our hearts are sometimes like paper..." Bucky said, looking out the bedroom window, with you still in his arms. "So delicate and fragile...yet at times so sturdy...so firm...My therapist told me that. I don't fully understand what it means yet, but one day I will."
"One day at a time, love. One day at a time." You yawned, feeling your body begin to relax against Bucky's. "Sorry..."
"It's perfectly alright." Bucky kissed the top of your head. "Go ahead and get some rest, you need it."
"But what about you?"
"It won't be long and I'll be asleep as well. I'm getting pretty tired myself."
"Do you have work tomorrow?"
"No, Steve told me to take a week or two off until things get better." Bucky replied as you laid down next to him, his arm draped around your waist.
"Alright." You smiled before closing your eyes. "If you need anything, let me know."
"I will." Bucky placed another kiss on your cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too." You whispered as you drifted off into a much needed deep and peaceful sleep.