Chapter Text
Kathryn was shaking. She'd managed to hold herself together for almost a month. She'd had to. This month had been incessant. At times, she hadn't had time to tend to her most basic of needs - to eat, or sleep - let alone give herself this chance to… unwind.
Her journey to accepting that this is also something that she needed had been long and bumpy. She still felt ashamed, as if this need for connection was a weakness, something that as Captain, she should be able to rise above. These visits to the holodeck were a poor facsimile of that connection, but it helped her to maintain just enough of her composure as Captain, just enough distance to lead.
She leaned against the wall of the turbolift, reflecting that she'd known herself well, all those years ago when she'd instinctively avoided the longer missions. She knew she had a strong need for social connection and contact, both friendly and more intimate, and she had suspected she'd struggle if she was surrounded by only her crew for years on end.
And now here she was: Captain of a ship, with the responsibility to see her crew delivered safely back home to Earth almost a lifetime away. She knew she couldn't afford to get too emotionally entangled with her charges. But at the same time this need for connection was real, and she'd discovered that her efforts to ignore it, push it away, or overwhelm it with logic only resulted in compromising her other decision-making, which was absolutely unacceptable.
Like the last few days. She'd convinced herself that she was determined to stop Ransom from hurting any more of the lifeforms, that it was because he had turned his back on Starfleet principles and it was her job to put it right. But she'd felt it. Felt the dread settle deep down inside her when she'd realised that Seven was on board the Equinox still. And not admitting that, to Chakotay, or even to herself, had led to some erratic behaviour that she was still stinging from knowing she was capable of.
She should have just admitted that she needed to get Seven back. Chakotay would have understood. They'd flown right into the Borg queen's nest before to rescue her, and that was when Seven had claimed she wanted to stay.
She couldn't have admitted it though, because she didn't know it herself. She had become aware the instant Ransom had asked her to drop their shields so he could beam everyone over to Voyager. The instant that Seven could be returned safe, it became clear to her that this had been the real motivation. The relief that flooded her, the dissipation of her fury... Before that, she had been consumed with feelings she didn't know how to process or manage.
She thought again that they could really do with a ships counsellor, and sighed.
The doors slid open and she pushed herself away from the wall, marching quickly to Holodeck One.
"Computer, activate holodeck program Janeway omega-six-nine, authorization Janeway kappa-pi"
"The program is active"
She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, stepping through the doors.
The first time she'd done this had been after New Earth, when she'd given up trying to sleep without Chakotay's arms around her and come here for a night. It had made it easier to work with him again, knowing that if she needed to feel him like that she could do so, even if it was a hollow version of that connection.
A lot had changed since then.
Kathryn stepped into a grove of trees.
"Computer, seal the doo... " she was cut off as hands reached out from behind a large oak and pulled her against it.
"Please restate your request".
Soft, forceful lips claimed her own and she kissed back desperately. "Seven..." she whispered in between breathing and lips meeting, "I was so worried". Her hand cupped Seven's face and she pulled back a fraction, smiling up into those wonderful eyes.
"Computer, seal the doors. No access without my authorization". She reclaimed Seven's lips, and slid her hand into her hair, the movement loosening the French twist that held it up.
"Unable to comply".
She frowned and turned her head to repeat her command to the computer. Holographic Seven took the opportunity to suck on that soft sensitive spot under her ear.
Kathryn froze. A few steps away was Seven, the real Seven, turned towards them, her ocular implant raised in surprise, absorbing the information before her.
Seven settled into her normal stance, hands clasped behind her back.
"Captain, may I speak with you?".
Kathryn flushed.
"C-computer, delete character" she stumbled over the words. Holo Seven disappeared and she stepped away from the tree. "Seven, what are you doing here? Why aren't you regenerating?"
"I believe I have regenerated enough for now Captain."
"But the Doctor said a week..."
"I know what the Doctor said, Captain, but I believe it to be motivated by guilt rather than medical necessity. I've regenerated for 22.35 hours and my systems are now functioning optimally. As to why I'm here, I wish to speak with you on a personal matter".
Kathryn knew she had to address what Seven just saw. Explain it away somehow. At the very least, persuade her not to tell anyone.
She turned away, thoughts racing. She cursed herself for getting caught, for not being more careful. She should have started the program after sealing the doors, perhaps, but it didn't really matter now, she just needed to figure out her next course of action.
She was both glad and horrified that it was Seven herself who had seen this.
Glad because out of all of the members of her crew, Seven was one of those able to process this logically. Kathryn believed she could make her understand. She wouldn't tell anyone about it if her Captain commanded her not to, though the idea of that made Kathryn uncomfortable. That would be crossing a boundary - using her power to cover up a personal mistake.
Horrified, because Kathryn knew that explaining to Seven what she just saw would involve admitting these feelings to her. There wasn't any way around it. If she wanted to be worthy of the trust Seven had placed in her, if she wanted to continue in helping Seven understand humanity, she had to be honest. She couldn't abandon that goal just because Seven saw a part of her own humanity she'd rather have kept hidden.
Seven watched her Captain take a few steps and lean on the back of a bench. She felt uncomfortable. She realised she had just interrupted something the Captain had wanted to keep private. Seven shifted, aware of various sensations she had felt before, but not together and not quite so strongly. She did not yet know whether or how to act on them. She noted the Captains breathing was raised, and the blood vessels in her cheeks had dilated, causing an increase in the amount of pink that was highlighting her cheekbones.
"Are you feeling well Captain?"
"Quite well, Seven. Though I think I need to sit down." she moved round the bench and seated herself at the end furthest from Seven.
She took a deep breath and looked up, making eye contact for the first time since she'd turned away.
"What did you want to talk to me about Seven?" Her voice was softer than before. "Have a seat. Or would you prefer to stand?" Her lips quirked in the corner.
Seven knew that the Captain often found humour in this particular behaviour of hers, and she often marvelled at the things humans would find amusing. But this time she found herself focusing on that expressive corner of the Captains lips and recalling seeing them pressed against her own.
Her lips tingled.
"I will sit, Captain". She hesitated, calculating where the optimal place to sit would be. She discovered that she wanted to sit close to her, but felt that might not be appropriate. Seven didn't understand the protocol for a situation like this.
Kathryn saw her hesitation and took her hand, guiding her to the bench.
"I need to apologise, Seven. I'm sorry. You should not have seen that. It was highly unprofessional on my part. I would like to explain further, if you'll allow, and answer any questions you may have, after we've discussed the personal matter that brought you here."
Seven nodded. "If you wish." She took a second to organise her thoughts, placing her hands on her legs.
"Captain, I came here to talk with you about your behaviour recently. Reports have reached me of your conduct whilst pursuing the Equinox, and whilst I do not know how much of the rumours are true, I found myself concerned for your wellbeing. Whilst I do not always agree with your choices as Captain, they are at least consistent with what I understand of you. Your latest choices were... out of character. So I came to ask you this: Are you OK?"
Kathryn was shocked. This was a first. Seven had often disagreed with her command decisions, often challenged her reasoning, but this was concern on a personal level. She smiled. She was touched. She reflected that this showed a leap in Seven's understanding of the drivers of human behaviour.
She was also overwhelmed. She didn't know if she was OK. She didn't think she should express that to Seven though. The Captain needs to stay in control, of herself most of all.
But she hadn't been fulfilling that particular responsibility, had she. And the crew were talking about it.
Seven watched as various expressions passed across the Captain's face. She'd spent a lot of time studying that face, but it seemed there was always more to learn. She wished she was as easily able to read her facial expressions as some of the other crewmembers, and decided that she would put more effort into studying human unspoken communication, or "body language", as she had heard it called.
She waited. She wondered how to integrate this new information - the choice Janeway had made for a holoprogam, and what she had seen occurring. She shifted again, discovering a resurgence of the sensations from earlier. Then she stilled, aware that the Captain was watching her own facial expressions.
Kathryn cleared her throat.
"I'll be OK, Seven. Don't worry." Her voice was even softer than before. She smiled reassuringly. "I'm working through something at the moment, but I'll be right as rain before you know it."
"This... something... you are working through. It is in relation to me?" Seven inclined her head towards the tree.
Kathryn blushed again and nodded slowly. She was determined to face up to this.
"Yes, Seven. I'm coming to understand that it is."
"Elaborate."
Kathryn had expected to have the time talking about Seven's personal matter to figure out how to phrase this. She hadn't expected to be the personal matter that needed discussing.
"What you saw there, was the result of some feelings I've been coming to terms with. Feelings I have towards you."
"You have developed a romantic attraction towards me." Seven stated.
Kathryn smiled at that. Seven had such a wonderful way of getting right to the point.
"Yes, Seven. I guess I have."
"I suspected as much".
"You... Suspected as much?" Kathryn was at a loss for words. When did Seven suspect? It seemed like she meant she'd suspected before she walked onto the holodeck just now.
"That is correct"
Kathryn was frowning in confusion. "Please elaborate." she said, using the word Seven made such good use of. She wanted to make sure she was being clear and that she understood everything properly.
"I observed a few physiological symptoms and small changes in your behaviour around me. I'd concluded it was because of stress and the events that occurred a few months ago, especially our interactions with the Borg around that time. However, when I was studying human romantic behaviour more recently I noticed a similarity between courting rituals and what I'd observed of you, and reached an alternate conclusion."
"A few months? You noticed changes in my behaviour a few months ago?"
"Yes. You seem shocked, were you not aware of the changes?" her ocular implant raised quizzically.
"No, Seven, it appears I wasn't. What..." Kathryn started to ask what symptoms and behaviours Seven had observed, exactly, but stopped, realising there were more important things to say right now. "I apologise for all of this. A Captain has a duty not to let personal feelings get in the way. I should have been able to deal with it better. I should have put more effort into understanding what's going on for me. If I'd done that, maybe I'd have been able to prevent it going this far."
"Apology accepted"
"I'm sorry you saw that. It wasn't appropriate of me to run such a holoprogam, and even worse that you saw it. No crewmember should be put in the position of knowing their commanding officer has developed an attraction towards them. The power dynamics are perhaps a little much to explain right now, but suffice to say it's unethical."
"I understand, Captain. Apology accepted."
"I want you to know, Seven, that I had no intention of sharing this information with you, or pursuing a romantic relationship with you. This holoprogam was just a way of... blowing off steam. I won't be doing it again. I'll find other ways to deal with this... attraction, and I'll take steps to ensure that we spend less time together, until I am able to behave in a way that befits my role. "
"With respect, Captain, that is illogical".
Kathryn laughed mirthlessly and patted the back of her hand.
"That's emotions for you I'm afraid. That's the hand we've been dealt as humans."
"No, Captain. I mean that your chosen course of action is illogical".
"I don't see any other choice... I clearly need to take steps to ensure I'm maintaining a professional distance. I also need to show you that you can trust me when I say I am not pursuing this. I don't want to put you in any situations where you feel uncomfortable or pressured into anything."
"You are wrong. I doubt that will have your intended outcome, as I believe that's what you've been trying so far, and there is another choice."
Kathryn put her elbow over the back of the bench, and leant her temple onto her fingertip. She was scrutinising Seven, trying to work out what she might have missed.
"Go on then Seven, tell me".
Seven mimicked her movements, leaning sideways onto the back of the bench so their eyes were in line. It was obviously an awkward position for her. Kathryn realised Seven wanted to look her directly in the eyes while she said this.
"You could trust me."
"Trust you?"
"You could trust that I would not do anything that I am not comfortable with just because you are my Captain. Have I not proven that with my actions in the past?"
"You have been quite vocal when you disagreed with me, it's true. But that was about my orders with regards to the ship, this is personal. It's different. Especially because of your... inexperience with romantic matters. As your mentor as well as your Captain, I should not even put you in the position of having to say no."
Kathryn realised that she was explaining this so that Seven would understand what behaviour was appropriate from an authority figure, in case she ever found herself in a similar situation with someone else who might be less opposed to using their power over her to get what they wanted.
Seven's mind swirled. She realised that the other woman's whole defense was based on a faulty assumption - that she did not want this.
"I think I understand, Captain. Your ethics will prevent you from 'making a move' as Tom Paris would say. You wish to reassure me of this. I believe you."
Kathryn was relieved. She'd been so worried about Seven feeling uncomfortable with this because of her position of authority, feeling pressured into doing something, or awkward at being in the same room in case she 'made a move'. She'd needed Seven to know that she would never act on this, that she was safe from her.
"Good. Now that we've got that understood, there's something I need to ask."
"State your request."
"Please can you keep this a secret? I can't have the crew talking about my personal life."
"Of course, Captain."
"No, Seven. This is not an order from your Captain. If you need to talk to someone about it, please do. Just, try to make sure they won't tell anyone else? Keep it as quiet as possible. It could change how people behave around both of us."
"I will 'keep it quiet', as you request."
"Thank you".
Kathryn took a deep breath and stood up. She needed to move. And she needed to not be staring into those blue eyes. She felt more exposed than she had in years, maybe even a decade.
"I need to go on a long walk... by the sea, I think. I need the wind and the waves to clear my mind." Maybe a stormy clifftop walk, she thought. That always felt cleansing...