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I was bored, I was usually bored though. I never had the attention span my brothers did. I could never meditate or sit still while our dad trained us. I was always moving, not moving like Leo and Raph. I never trained myself like them, I was always skating or drawing. I could never beat into a punching bag like Raph or go through the same five drills for hours like Leo. I was never thinking like Donnie. I was always thinking, but never of anything useful. Only random questions or comics and a lot of times about Pizza. Though I never put it into anything useful, I was always full of energy, and with that extreme energy led to extreme boredom, which led to Raph chasing me out of his room with his sai.
I was always the worst when things were tense. Even if I didn't know what the tension was. Maybe Raph and Leo were having it out again. Donnie had exploded something. Or maybe Dad was upset about something we did, or what the foot clan did, or if he was just generally just upset.
It didn't matter though, because somehow my body could sense it. My mind buzzed and I shook with pent-up energy desperate to find a way to release it. I would tap my fingers fast on the ground. From my pointer to the closest thing I had to a pinky. It made an annoying thumping sound; so I wasn't all that surprised when Raph yelled at me to knock it off. All his yelling did was make me sit on my hands while the energy redirected making my feet tap.
Normally I could just skate around the sewers. Or find someone to show my newest tricks, but I couldn't do that.
I had broken the wheel on my board a little less than a week ago. And not a normal break, the wheel hadn't popped off or cracked. But the entire wheel had shattered. It happened fast, I can’t remember if I had tripped over a rock or just rolled my ankle, but before I knew it I was flying through the air. My face collided with the floor as I saw the bright red of my wheel shatter flying off into the murky green sewer water. I watched helplessly as the bright red fade as it sunk further into the bottom of the sewage.
I had brought my board to Donnie with a bruised face, a trophy that the sewer floors had left me with. Donnie took one look at my face accompanied by my damaged board and sighed. He turned and continued to work on whatever machine he was messing with. Over the sound of Donnie messing with the odd dinosaur looking bot, which was his new victim of trying to replicate Stockman’s tech. Donnie lectured me about being safe while skating. He said some statistics about skateboarding deaths and helmets. I'm pretty sure whatever science dude wrote that report Donnie was making a speech about didn't factor a mutant turtle into the data.
After he finished grumbling, Donnie decided to bring me with him the next time he went to the dump. He talked about some parts he needed and that I could probably find a new wheel there too.
I was stoked when he said that because Splinter and Leo never let us go to the surface other than for things extremely necessary, this included. That never stopped Raph though, he was always out, whether with Casey cracking bad guys skulls or just exploring NYC. He once brought me with him. We sat on the roof of a pizza place and just talked. It was weird seeing Raph so calm, not pummeling his punching bag, making some rude comment, or scowling when Dad praised Leo. But it was really nice.
I soon forgot about the niceness of the night when Raph and I snuck back into our home to be met by Leo in a panic. He ran and grabbed me in an awkward side hug. It was almost more of a choke than a hug. Leo as quickly as he hugged me he let go then turned to Raph “I cannot believe you.” Leo took an angry breath in, “I have given up on making you realize how much danger you are putting yourself in. But bringing Mikey?!” Leo's voice hitched his angry expression morphed into one which a scared kid would have. “How stupid can you be?” Raph’s face contorted in an ugly snarl, I stepped back knowing this look. And this look was no good, this was the look that always preceded one of Leos and Raph's big fights.
“Me stupid? What about you “leader” you just expect us to rot away in here?” Raph pushed up into Leo’s face throwing out his arm gesturing to the sewers. “You want us to what? Sit in here wasting our lives, instead of actually doing something meaningful?”
Leo straightened his posture taking advantage of his few inches on Raph. “Oh, you want to do something meaningful, Raph? We are. We are helping defeat the Foot. We are protecting our home! What could be more “meaningful” than that?” “Oh yeah, that's so meaningful. It's so meaningful to be fighting in a war we have no part in. Seriously Leo, why are we going to sacrifice ourselves just because that's what Splinter wants us to do? Do you care at all? You seriously don't. You would kill yourself if he told you to. No questions, no hesitation, just a “yes master.” It's pathetic hones-”
“Shut up, Raph.” I blurt out, I just wanted this to stop. Nothing good came from when we got this deep in fights. Raph turned to me, “or what? What happens if for once I don’t listen to the ol’ great and mighty Leonardo?”
I flinched back from the venom in Raph’s yell. I kept waiting for Raph to swing at Leo or punch a wall and storm out. Cause that could be fixed. A black eye or bloodied hand was easier to fix than what was happening now. I push myself further from Raph whose green face is now flushed in anger as he turns back to Leo.
“I'm tired of taking orders from you.” Leo looked up, his eyes wide, his voice raised in pitch. “Don’t then, I gave up on you not acting like a spoiled child a long time ago. But bringing Mikey into this, It’s just ridiculous, I don't know why you would even…” Leo trailed off breathing heavily, he straightened his back and took a big breath in. His voice was strangely monotone, “You have always wanted to be the leader Raph. But I am, and I have sacrificed so much for you, and this is what I get in return. You are an actual child. A child with no clue of what it means to be a leader” Raph started to yell something back when he was cut off by Leo. “No Raph, please let me talk. I only want for you to be safe. And when you are running around somewhere upside, I can't protect you. I'm helpless, what if a human got too curious and saw you, what if the foot clan came back, what if the Krang tried to take over again? Then what? Hmm? I can't protect you then. Then you took Mikey with you.” Leo has angry tears forming behind his mask, “ Raph, what do you think I'm going to assume when I see that you and Mikey are gone? I figured the Foot had come for you or Mas- Shredder had come back, what then?”
I stood and watched as Raph came to the same realization of what honorific Leo almost used for Shredder. We both knew that after the Foot’s self-proclaimed “cityfall” Leo struggled. It was hard seeing what Shredder had turned Leo into, in the short time he was his apprentice. He shut himself away for a while, but we thought he had mostly healed. Yeah sure, he was more closed off and jumpy, but we all were. There was no way we could be the same after everything that had happened. But now looking at the distant hardened look on Leo’s face I felt sick to my stomach.
It wasn't fair that a sixteen-year-old should have the look of a battle-worn soldier twice his age. It wasn't fair that when I saw Leo standing there, I wasn't looking at my brother anymore. Not Leo who would find crayons for me as a kid, not Leo who would stay up late into the night with me talking about the newest Space Heros episode. This wasn't our Leo, no, he was Splinter's soldier, his golden maytr child to be used in wars that he has no business dying in. He was Shredders Chunin, a prisoner of war, one to be brainwashed and manipulated. It wasn't fair to Leo, not to me or Donnie or Raph, no It wasn't fair at all.
“Leo-” Raph started his voice cracking, “your right, I need to be more careful, okay? After all the stuff with the Foot, it was stupid of me to go out.” Leo’s eyes widen his cold glare melting leaving the watery emotion that now filled them. “I'm sorry for yelling, and you aren't stupid Raph.” Leo forced out before quickly retreating to his room.
This left me and Raph standing in silence. Raph had looked at me, the beginning of a sentence coming out of his mouth, which he instead shook his head and turned to walk away. “Get some rest Mikey,” Raph then awkwardly shuffled into his room, leaving me alone.
It had now been almost five weeks, and since then there has been an awkward sort of tension between Raph and Leo. An almost sort of guilt between the two which neither of them wanted to discuss. So we returned to our normal routine, minus the noticeable difference of Raph sneaking out. I was surprised by that, I assumed Raph would at least be more rebellious to Leo, but I think there was something he realized about Leo's temporary meltdown that even I didn't see.
Though now without the bickering from Raph and Leo the sewers seemed oddly quiet. Raph was in his room doing who knows what. Due to the low buzz I hear coming from Donnie’s lab he was probably messing with more Stockman tech. I hadn't seen Leo but he was probably training with Splinter or meditating in his room.
I decide to thwart my boredom by seeing what was on T.V. As I was walking into the makeshift living room I saw the tails of a blue mask cascade over the side of the couch. “Hey, Leo…” I trail off seeing the distant look in Leo's eyes. “Mikey?” Leo looks up, almost straight through me. Leo attempts an awkward sort of smile which doesn't meet his eyes. “Whats up man?” I try awkwardly, not knowing what to do. Connecting with Leo was the hardest of my brothers, Donnie liked tech, ask him about any one of his newest inventions and he could talk for hours. Raph though he hides it, he is the most sensitive, he responded the best to heart-to-heart talks. He might roll his eyes and push me away calling me a sap but he at least responded well. With Leo though… it was different. Leo was hard to reach through long sappy talks and lately, he had stopped enjoying many of his normal hobbies. All he did now was meditate and train… Oh.
“Um, I was wondering if you could give me some direction on my training? You know I've been trying to learn some new moves.” Leo's eyes brightened and a small smile, “yeah, definitely.” Leo hopped up with more energy than I had seen from him in a while. I followed Leo grabbing my nunchucks off the coffee table on the way.
“Remember to keep your feet a shoulder distance apart.” Almost an hour had passed of Leo training me. At first, he had just been supervising me giving small tips and now he was going through the entire motions. “Okay, Mikey you need to bend your knees. You need to lower your center of gravity, it makes it harder to knock you over.” I followed Leo's instructions and found it less tiring each strike. “Excellent! Good job Mikey you have really improved. Leo gave me a pat on the back.” I felt my chest swell with pride, I never liked to admit it but praise from Leo always felt good. Leo was always the most devoted out of us four, so him being impressed by you was like an extra gold star.
“Hey Mikey, do you want to practice with my Katanas? You know just in case you ever are presented with a situation in which you would need to use an odachi or weapon of that sort.” My mouth fell open as I turned to face Leo. He never let us touch his katanas, they were his babies. We were eight when we were gifted our weapons. Leo was given twin katanas, he secretly named Musashi and Kamiizumi. That was the same year he was branded leader. Raph and I found out when we overheard him talking to them when we were thirteen. We never mentioned it to him though because I knew he would just deny it and be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
“Uh Yeah!” I exclaim before trying to regain my cool composed look, the look which proved to Leo that I could be trusted with his Katanas. “You know, in case I ever came across a situation in which I would need it.” I try to puff out my chest, showing how mature I am, “ah of course, just because of that.” Leo turned to walk to the corner of the room, hiding the small smile he had. He returned brandishing his katanas, he reaches out his arms handing me his katanas.
The blue wrapping around the handles of the katanas is rough against my hands, giving a good grip to hold onto. Leo starts to direct me through the motions of his drills. The weight of the katanas is odd compared to my nunchucks. I jab twice to the left then twice to the right. Leo smiles and pats me on the back. Leo takes back one of the Katanas, “your a natural Mikey, good job.”
I look down at the katana in my hand and wonder if it would be different if Splinter made me the leader. If I was the one with Katanas, the one whose brothers followed his lead. How odd would that be?
Thirty years in the future I would kneel with the same Katana in my hand. The same blue wrapping around the handles was dull with age. The tip of the blade, shattered and ragged. A reminder of what happened to Leo, and to all of my brothers. A red drip lands on the tip of the katana. I'm injured and I'm going to die soon just like my brothers, at the hand of the Foot and their new leader, Oroku.
I am not letting that man get the satisfaction of killing the last of the Hamato clan.
When I was younger I heard about seppuku, the act of ninjas killing themselves in battle, to go out on their own terms. I thought it was scary and there was always another option. I never understood it, but now I do.
As I take the rough shattered tip of my brother's katana and bring it to my chest I mutter a prayer to my family. I failed them, I have never been as smart as Donnie, and strong as Raph, and I will never be as good as Leo.
I take the katana and reered it back about to strike it into my chest. “WAIT-”
I look up and see a girl with short choppy black hair, who reminds me of someone I once knew. An almost distorted version of Casey. She has the same determined look in her eyes and she reaches her busted-up hand towards me to help me up
Maybe there is hope for the Hamato clan after all.