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There wasn’t any ulterior motive. He just wanted to hang out with his cutest dongsaeng and go watch a horror movie together. That’s what Yeonjun would have told anyone. It’s what he told himself.
He had to remind himself, even as he was pathetically clinging to Kai throughout the movie and secretly indulging in his warmth, that he couldn’t allow himself to feed his delusions. It was just a friendly hang out, not a date. It couldn’t be a date.
After all, Kai was madly in love with Taehyun, not him.
As the movie ended, Yeonjun found Kai being the one clutching his arm back.
“Careful, or people might get the wrong idea.” Yeonjun chuckled. “Plus, Taehyun would be jealous.”
“Jealous? Of what?” Kai frowned, puzzled.
“You’re literally holding onto me, silly.” Yeonjun said, ruffling his hair. “Save that for your boyfriend.”
Kai choked, immediately letting go of Yeonjun.
“My what?!”
Yeonjun sighed. Oh to be mutual pining in love, and yet deep in denial.
“Your boyfriend. You know? You and Taehyun? Together and happily in love for years?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow.
“But we’re not–”
“It’s fine to be dating him, Hueningie. Seriously.” Yeonjun said, although it pained him to admit the words out loud. “You and Taehyun are the exact same. He denied it, just like you did.”
Yeonjun remembered it clearly. He told Taehyun it was fine if he and Kai wanted to be more open about their relationship. Taehyun immediately shot it down, and for a second, Yeonjun allowed himself to hope. That maybe there wasn’t anything after all.
But that couldn’t be right. He saw the way Taehyun looked at him. The way they had such a strong connection that no one else could replicate. He knew that wasn’t fake. So instead, he simply teased Taehyun for being in denial and left it there.
“You talked to him about this?!” Kai gaped.
“It’s okay for you two to be dating. If you’re worried, that’s just natural. But know that noona will always look out for you.” Yeonjun smiled, patting Kai’s hair gently.
While it pained Yeonjun to say the words, it was the truth. Yeonjun would look out for him, just like he always did.
You see, Choi Yeonjun has been in love with Huening Kai for the longest time. Ever since they first met, he was captured by the young boy’s charm and cute innocence. He knew, as if sparked by a sudden instinct, that he would do whatever he could to help this boy reach his dreams. There was something so inspiring about the boy who loved music with his whole heart, and who would sacrifice his fundamental teenage years to be a trainee. Sure, that could be applied to all of them, but Kai was 13. He barely experienced middle school before he was thrown into the rhythm and harsh routines of a trainee.
He didn’t start liking Kai until they were part of the debut team together. Spending every day with Kai didn’t make it any easier to get rid of the slowly building crush on him. But Yeonjun knew it could never happen. He was the oldest member. The reliable one. The Legendary Bighit Trainee. He couldn’t be selfish and pursue his feelings like that. He had to be the one that they could come to, if they needed any advice or had concerns. He’d decided it even before they knew Soobin would be the leader.
So here Yeonjun was, still pining his ass off as he tried and tried (and failed) to get over Huening Kai.
Minutes after Yeonjun returned to his room that night, Beomgyu quickly entered and closed the door.
“So? Did you enjoy your date with Hueningie?” Beomgyu grinned mischievously and jumped on the bed next to Yeonjun.
“Stop it. It wasn’t a date, doofus.” Yeonjun groaned and hit Beomgyu lightly.
“It could’ve been, if you’d just asked him out properly.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes as Yeonjun almost pushed him off the bed.
“How many times do I have to tell you? He’s in love with Taehyun.” Yeonjun said. (It didn’t hurt any less, every time he had to admit it out loud to painfully remind himself.)
“And how many times do I have to tell you that you never actually confirmed that. None of us have. Although, I bet you Kai would confide in Soobin-hyung.” Beomgyu mused.
“You’re not understanding. There’s absolutely no way there’s nothing between them.”
“I didn’t say that. I just said that you’re cutting yourself out too easily.” Beomgyu sighed. “Give yourself more credit, hyung.”
Beomgyu knew about Yeonjun’s crush from early on. Apparently he was ‘too transparent’. In Yeonjun’s opinion, Beomgyu was just too sharp for his own good. At first, he was reluctant to tell Beomgyu anything, but eventually, he learned that it helped to let his feelings out every once in a while.
“I’ve gotta go, but think about it, hyung. Maybe Kai-yah looks at you too, and you just don’t realise it.” Beomgyu smirked as he left the room.
The last thing Yeonjun expected was for Kai to show up at his door yet again, that same night.
“Everything okay?” Yeonjun frowned.
“I hate you.” Kai groaned as he flopped onto the bed face-down.
“What happened?”
“Taehyunnie and I aren’t even dating, but now that you mentioned it… I can’t stop thinking about it.” Kai mumbled into the pillow.
“Wait, seriously? You guys aren’t dating?” Yeonjun gaped, realising that Kai’s sulking wasn’t an act or a joke.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” Kai got up, rolling his eyes at his hyung.
Yeonjun didn’t know what to think. He’d been so convinced this whole time that they were secretly dating. (Although perhaps he’d done it to protect himself.)
But the fact that Kai couldn’t stop thinking about it only confirmed Yeonjun’s suspicions. He was in love with Taehyun. And he wanted to date him. Or else he wouldn’t be thinking about it.
“Yet. You’re not dating yet.” Yeonjun hummed. “It’ll work out, Hueningie. I’m sure the feelings will be returned.”
Yeonjun internally groaned. If he’d been suffering this whole time through what wasn’t even a relationship between Kai and Taehyun, what would the real thing be like? How much more would it break his heart? Would he be able to continue like he isn’t still madly in love with Kai?
“Hyung?”
“Huh? Sorry, I spaced out.” Yeonjun gulped.
“I was asking if I could stay over tonight. I think it’ll be too awkward if I go back.” Kai bit his lip nervously.
“Of course. Anytime, Kai-yah.” Yeonjun smiled, ignoring his aching heart.
As Yeonjun held Kai tight that night, he realised it’d been a while since they shared a bed together. They used to do it a lot more when they were trainees, and Kai found it hard to fall asleep because of nerves.
“Hyung will keep you safe. You don’t have to worry anymore.” He would tell little Kai.
But Kai wasn’t so little anymore. He was taller, broader, and a heavier weight on Yeonjun’s chest. Yeonjun only hoped that his rapidly beating heart wouldn’t be noticed by Kai. As the younger boy slowly fell asleep, deep breaths evening out, Yeonjun was wide awake. He couldn’t sleep, because he wanted to savour the moment. If Taehyun and Kai were really going to get together, this would probably be the last time he’d get to hold Kai to sleep like this. After this, he would be alone again, in a cold and empty bed that was too big for just one person.
And Yeonjun would have to be okay with that. Because he couldn’t let anyone else know about his broken heart. Except maybe Beomgyu, but it would be best kept a secret. Or else it might drive the team apart. Naturally, he would have to steel his heart once more. He’d been doing it for years, so how much worse could it be? (The only difference being that Taehyun and Kai would properly date, and leave Yeonjun behind for good.)
When Yeonjun woke up the next morning, he felt incredibly warm. Kai sensed his movement and stirred, cuddling impossibly closer to him. Yeonjun didn’t know what to do except drink it in. He soaked up as much of Kai’s warmth as he could, and did his best to reciprocate by holding Kai tighter. They would’ve stayed there for the whole morning, if not for Soobin knocking on the door and checking if they were awake.
The rest of the day went like a normal work day. Hours of dance practice, some filming, recording for the new album, and more dance practice to finish the day. As far as Yeonjun could see, there wasn’t any clear awkwardness between Taehyun and Kai, which was a relief. Yeonjun was worried Taehyun would be jealous of him or confront him about why Kai had to stay the night in his room. Thankfully, everything seemed to be relatively normal.
Yeonjun decided to stay back for some extra dance practice. There were a few parts he wanted to polish, but he also felt like if he wasn’t dancing, his mind would just continue spiralling into a mess. By this point, he was just waiting for Kai and Taehyun to officially get together.
“Hyung, you’re not coming with us?” Soobin asked. The room had luckily been vacated since the end of their practice.
“Nah. I wanna polish up some moves.” Yeonjun replied. “Say, did Kai talk to you last night? About him and Taehyun?”
“Oh! Uhhh, not really. Nothing important.” Soobin chuckled nervously. “Why do you ask?”
“Well, he told me he can’t stop thinking about Taehyun. Like… romantically.” Yeonjun explained. “I was just wondering if we’re gonna need to stage an intervention. Y’know, if Kai doesn’t man up soon.”
“What?! Hyung, there’s no need for that!” Soobin exclaimed quickly. “That’s a bad idea. Let Kai figure it out himself. I’m sure he’ll get there eventually.”
“Sure…” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow. “You’re acting weird.”
“Nonsense, hyung!” Soobin laughed nervously. “Well, I’ll see you at home, then!”
As Yeonjun turned the music on, he forced his mind to shut out anything to do with Kai and Taehyun. He focused on the beats, the rhythms, the way his body was meant to move in time. He watched himself in the mirror and forced himself to critique every movement, every hand gesture or even the angles of his feet. Anything to keep him from thinking about Kai and Taehyun. He danced and danced, until his body couldn’t handle the exhaustion any longer.
When he arrived home, the first thing he realised was that Kai and Taehyun’s shoes were missing. Maybe they were both out shopping at the convenience store?
“Kai and Taehyun? They went out for a walk.” Beomgyu said from the couch.
“Oh.”
It wasn’t ‘They went to the convenience store’. And somehow, ‘They went out for a walk’ broke Yeonjun’s heart even more. It meant that they were going to talk about something serious. It was rare that two members of the group would go out for a walk together unless it was to have a deep chat or some kind of consolation.
This was it. Kai must be confessing to Taehyun. There was no other explanation. Not especially after their recent events. This was a good thing. It meant that they didn’t need to stage an intervention, just like Soobin said.
But it didn’t ease Yeonjun’s aching heart. He was supposed to be happy for them, and yet all he felt was hopelessness. He really didn’t have a chance against Taehyun after all. The two had been inseparable since the first time they met. Yeonjun really should have known it was hopeless from the start. (Yet he stubbornly held on.)
Yeonjun slept it off, not even bothering to check in with Kai once they came back. He didn’t want to risk crying in front of him. The next morning, he played it off as being tired from the extra dance practice. Kai simply smiled and told him not to overdo it.
Weirdly enough, Kai and Taehyun weren’t as sappy and clingy as he’d thought they’d be. It didn’t make sense. How were they more toned down than before, when they weren’t even dating? Were they just embarrassed about it? Keeping it on the down low while the staff were around?
It probably made sense actually, with how they spent more time in their room together. Perhaps they were just the type of couple to love quietly. Yeonjun hated the way his heart twisted with jealousy at the thought. He didn’t want to be jealous of Taehyun, but how could he not, when Kai looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered? Those fond eyes could never fool Yeonjun.
Funnily enough, Yeonjun didn’t ask Kai about it. Instead he waited for Kai to be comfortable enough to tell him. If Kai wanted him to know, he’d tell him in his own time. That was how much they trusted each other. However, it didn’t stop him from trying to ask Soobin and Beomgyu, who were the most unhelpful duo he’d ever met.
“Hyung, just ask him yourself— Ouch! What was that for?!” Soobin groaned as Beomgyu pinched him.
“What Soobinie-hyung means to say is, have patience. Kai will tell you when he’s ready.” Beomgyu smiled, all too bright and fake.
“That’s stupid! Why won’t you just tell me already?! He already told you, right? They’re dating, right?!” Yeonjun asked, exasperated. “Tell me or I’ll attack your thighs.”
“I can’t! I’m sworn to secrecy!” Beomgyu quickly jumped up. “Soobin-hyung, I swear, you’d better not say anything. I’ll make you regret it.”
“Sorry, Yeonjun-hyung. My lips are sealed.” Soobin pursed his lips together. “Just trust us, okay? It’s something important to Kai. He wouldn’t keep it from you.”
Yeonjun reluctantly agreed, but it still didn’t explain why he hadn’t said anything when he and Taehyun had obviously sorted something out. It frustrated Yeonjun to no end. All he wanted was to confront them, not to wait indefinitely for Kai to finally talk to him.
The irrational part of his mind told him that perhaps they’d found out about Yeonjun’s crush, and they were figuring out how to lay him down as gently as possible. Maybe they didn’t tell him because they didn’t want to hurt his feelings. It wouldn’t make a difference, though. Yeonjun’s heart had been hurting for a long time.
He was used to it.
The morning of his shoot, he left early while the others had the chance to sleep in. Although he was envious, he knew this shoot was a great opportunity. He had to do it, not just for him, but for the whole group. Despite this mindset, he still wasn’t 100% in it.
“Yeonjun-ssi, shall we take a break?” The director asked.
“Huh? I can still go on, sir.” Yeonjun frowned. He’d only been shooting for half an hour.
“I understand, but we’re just not quite getting the results we’d like. Take a 10-minute break and do whatever you need to relax. You’re too tense. Loosen up, okay?”
Yeonjun nodded numbly and headed to his changing room. He didn’t realise how affected he was by the situation. He thought he could be professional, but it really was weighing on his mind.
Just then, Beomgyu messaged him.
beomgyu
> hyunggggg how’s the shoot going?
yeonjun
terribly <
the director said i’m too tense <
i think i’m too distracted <
beomgyu
> hyung
> don’t worry about it
> when you come back home, there’ll be a nice surprise for you
> so just look forward to that
> trust me, you’ll like it
yeonjun
surprise? what surprise? <
beomgyu?? <
DON’T LEAVE ME ON READ <
Yeonjun stared, puzzled at the messages from Beomgyu. What did he mean by ‘surprise’? Didn’t he just technically ruin it, then? Was there a special occasion he’d forgotten about?
“Yeonjun-ssi! Are you ready?”
“Ah, yes! I’ll be there in a minute!”
Although Yeonjun felt like he had more to be distracted about, Beomgyu’s positivity seemed to work. He’d said to trust that it was a nice surprise, so it definitely wasn’t bad news. With that in mind, Yeonjun did his best not to worry about it and to focus on the task at hand.
“Excellent, Yeonjun-ssi! Much better! Yes, that’s it!” The director called out, beaming excitedly.
As he heard more and more positive feedback, he felt more confident with each outfit that he tried. It’d just taken him a while to warm up to it.
By the end of the day, he was exhausted from the shoot, yet thrumming with anticipation for what would await him at home.
‘Beomgyu had better be telling the truth.’ He thought to himself.
The last thing he expected was a candle-lit dinner, clearly set out and with an unopened bottle of wine sitting on the table. It was uncharacteristically tidy, neater than he’d seen the apartment in weeks.
“Hi hyung!” Kai beamed.
“Hyung!” Taehyun called. “Have a seat, I’m just about to finish your plate.”
“My… plate?” Yeonjun said, confused.
“We’re having dinner together.” Kai supplied.
“What’s the sudden occasion?” Yeonjun frowned.
“Oh, you’ll find out. For now, could you please pour the wine? I’d probably spill it everywhere.” Kai laughed.
As Yeonjun poured the wine, he thought of all the possibilities. 1. Kai and Taehyun wanted to celebrate the end of his solo shoot. (Which was rare because they never did that, and never with just the three of them.) 2. Kai and Taehyun wanted to treat Yeonjun because they thought he was overworking himself. (He kind of was, because he couldn’t do anything else to keep his mind busy long enough.) 3. Kai and Taehyun were finally announcing their relationship. (But why the fuck would there be a fancy dinner for that?)
“Eat well, okay? Taehyunnie worked hard all day to prepare this.” Kai smiled. “We can talk afterwards.”
‘Well, fuck.’ Yeonjun thought. ‘This really was serious.’
“Okay.” Yeonjun said slowly.
Thankfully they flowed naturally into conversation about their days, with the two of them complimenting the other about their hard work, and with them complimenting Yeonjun for a shoot they didn’t even see.
“So…” Yeonjun said after they’d cleared the table and all that was left were their wine glasses. “Is this the part where you finally tell me you’re official?”
The other two coughed and choked a little, but Yeonjun figured he’d rather get it over and done with. He didn’t need to hopelessly hope any longer than he already was.
“We’re not dating.” Taehyun cleared his throat. “Not yet, at least. We wanted to talk to you first.”
“What? Do you need my blessing or something? You already know that you have it.” Yeonjun laughed.
“Hyung.” Kai gulped. “Just listen, okay?”
Yeonjun watched as Taehyun looked at Kai intently. Yeonjun could tell he was squeezing his hand, even without looking.
“I’m in love with you, Yeonjun-hyung.” Kai finally said.
Yeonjun was speechless. There was no way he just heard those words. He had to be mistaken. Kai had to be mistaken.
“There’s no way.” Yeonjun chuckled. “You’re mistaken, Kai. You and Taehyun literally talked it out a few nights ago. You’re in love with each other—”
“We are, hyung. But please, trust me.” Kai pleaded. “I loved you first. I always have.”
Yeonjun never thought he’d hear those words in his life. And to hear him say ‘first’? Did that mean he loved him before he loved Taehyun?
“You… Really?” Yeonjun gaped, too shocked to say anything else. He wanted to play it off, but Kai looked like he was about to cry.
“Really, hyung. And you don’t have to like me back, but—”
“Are you kidding me?” Yeonjun interrupted. “Of course I do. I… I just didn’t think you’d return my feelings.”
“Well… neither did I.” Kai laughed softly.
"I always thought you were in love with Taehyun. I mean, you knew that from me already. But I just… I’m the oldest, y’know? I had to be the reliable and responsible one. I couldn’t let myself be vulnerable and indulge in my feelings.” Yeonjun admitted.
“But you can, hyung. You always could. You being vulnerable wouldn’t change the way we see you. You’re still a human, Yeonjun-hyung.” Kai smiled.
“So… the thing you wanted to talk to me about…”
“You haven’t heard my side, hyung.” Taehyun spoke up. “You were right that I like Kai. I always have. But I never acted on it, because I knew he was in love with you. And I know this might sound silly, but… watching him love you has helped me to like you as well.”
Yeonjun gasped softly.
“Taehyunnie…” Yeonjun frowned. “You don’t have to force yourself, just because you love Kai and Kai loves me. I don’t want to do that to you—”
Taehyun sighed and quickly pulled Yeonjun in by the collar to kiss him. It was quick. Far too quick for Yeonjun to even process it.
“I’m not forcing myself, hyung.” Taehyun blushed, his ears bright red. "I liked Kai first… but that doesn’t mean I can’t like you too.”
“Oh.” Yeonjun said dumbly.
“I’m so sorry, hyung. I know you must have been misunderstanding things the past few days. But I swear, we just talked that night. We didn’t make it official or anything, because we wanted to ask you first.” Kai explained. “I… I’m so sorry for hurting you this whole time.”
“Oh, Kai.” Yeonjun said softly, holding out a hand.
Kai gratefully took it and squeezed it. Then he brought it up to his face and pressed a soft kiss onto Yeonjun’s skin.
“I love you, hyung. I always have.” Kai whispered. “And if it’s okay with you, both of us would like to have you. As ours.”
Yeonjun blushed madly, feeling his face burn up. He never imagined this was how the night would go. This was so far from the scenario he was cooking up in his head.
“I’d love to.” Yeonjun said shyly. “But how does this even work?”
Kai shrugged, causing all of them to giggle.
“We’ll figure it out, I guess.” Taehyun replied, taking Yeonjun’s other hand.
“You’re so unfair, though, Taehyunnie. I can’t believe you stole the first kiss.” Kai pouted.
“Hang on, you two haven’t kissed?!” Yeonjun gaped.
The two really did wait for him before trying anything. The thought made Yeonjun’s heart swell. All the time that Yeonjun spent thinking they were secretly indulging their nights together, they’d held back. For him.
“We waited for you, hyung.”
“Well, what are you waiting for now?” Yeonjun quipped.
Kai stiffened up, looking between Taehyun and Yeonjun, back and forth, almost comically.
“How do I choose?” He whined.
“Kiss Yeonjun-hyung. You’ve both waited far too long.” He chuckled.
Kai nodded and got out of his seat to stand up. Yeonjun also stood up, suddenly hit with the reality of the situation. Kai was about to kiss him. Kai, the love of his life. The one he’d only dreamed of having.
‘This is real.’ Yeonjun thought as Kai took his hands, warm and firm.
‘This isn’t a dream.’ Yeonjun thought as Kai leaned in and finally captured his lips in a kiss.
It was soft and sweet and warm and it held everything Yeonjun wanted. He felt Kai’s love, his want, his desire, and he wanted to get drunk on it. As he kissed Kai, he felt himself melting into Kai’s touch.
He reluctantly parted, resting his forehead against Kai’s.
“Holy shit. This is real.” Yeonjun whispered.
Kai hummed, rubbing Yeonjun’s hands gently. Yeonjun could have kept kissing him, but he didn’t want Taehyun to wait any longer.
“Taehyun’s turn now.” Yeonjun said as he lifted his forehead and turned Kai towards Taehyun.
Watching the two of them together was almost magical. He saw the way they held each other so tenderly, and how they overflowed with love in their whispered words and eventually their sweet kiss.
“Come on, hyung.” Kai smiled, holding a hand out, his other one holding Taehyun’s.
Yeonjun didn’t know where he wanted to take them, but eventually they made it to Yeonjun’s room. Before he knew it, Taehyun was climbing into his bed, with Kai tugging Yeonjun to go ahead.
“Kai, you can’t be serious. We can’t fit three people in my bed.” Yeonjun laughed.
“We sure can. Just to cuddle for now, until we get a bigger bed. Pretty please, oppa?” Kai pouted cutely.
God, Yeonjun could never say no to Kai. He watched as Taehyun sat up against the wall, patting the space next to him under the blankets.
“Hurry up, it’s cold.” Taehyun whined.
Yeonjun chuckled and sat next to Taehyun as Kai followed after. Taehyun immediately wrapped his arms around Yeonjun’s waist, fitting his head into the crook of Yeonjun’s neck.
“Mmm… This is nice.” Taehyun hummed, sharing his warmth with Yeonjun.
Meanwhile, Kai had an arm wrapped around Yeonjun as he pulled him to lean on his shoulder. With his other hand, he held Yeonjun’s hand gently and kissed it.
Yeonjun’s heart was hammering so much he was scared it’d fall out of his chest. He couldn’t believe it. On one side, he had a smaller figure, gently tucked into him, and on his other side, he had a strong figure who held him tight, letting him relax as he was pampered with warmth.
“I could get used to this.” Yeonjun whispered, unable to stop his smile.
“You’d better.” Kai chuckled, kissing the top of his head. “Because we’re yours now. You can be as selfish as you want.”
“We’ll treat you right, hyung. We’ll always be by your side.” Taehyun said, kissing Yeonjun’s neck tenderly.
Yeonjun closed his eyes and thought back to the last time he was with Kai in his bed, holding him tight for what he thought was the last time. Thinking that he’d be stuck with a cold and empty bed after the two would leave him behind.
He never imagined that the opposite would happen.
That he would still be here, holding Kai tightly, and with the addition of another warm body.
That he would be here, enveloped and kept safe between them, impossibly warm with their tender kisses and sweet words.
That he would be here, able to selfishly, openly love and throw his doubts away.
He never imagined that he would find the place where he can love and be loved, in between Kai and Taehyun.
Now and always.