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Sand had to move on.
It still wasn't too late. He still hasn't fallen that hard for the man who came so unexpectedly in his life and swept him off his feet. It's true that something inside his chest clenched when Ray declared to his friends they weren't boyfriends. It's true that his heart shattered when he found out the one he had feelings for was in love with another man. It was true he barely fought his tears when he went to bed with Ray while he was bawling on the inside. All of that was true, yet it didn't mean Sand was already a goner..right?
Sand refused to let himself fall harder, if that was even possible, for someone who was never going to be his. He has suffered from heartbreak in the past, he knew how hard the recovery was and how many scars it left behind. Not wanting to let history repeat itself, he swore to himself that this time he wouldn't let someone walk over his heart. He owed himself at least that much.
This is why after his birthday, Sand began to avoid Ray. His calls were left unanswered. His texts were never opened. Whenever Ray would make an attempt to talk to him at the bar, he would say that he had too many performances and too little time, or that he was too tired to go somewhere at the end of his gigs. He's been distancing himself from Ray, putting barriers between them that were growing in number the more days passed.
While in the beginning Ray tried to be patient with him, as of lately Sand noticed that this patience has been running thin. He could see it was hard for the other boy to be denied something - to deprive him of his presence when it was everything he wanted. Sometimes, Sand was close to giving in. He still found it hard to say no to those pretty eyes and to this charming pout. For the better of them both however, he had to stay away from Ray. It was wiser to end things now, before his own feelings complicated their situation, before it was too late to pull back.
As Sand turned down yet another glass of alcohol, he thought about whether he was doing the right thing. For himself, probably. But he couldn't not acknowledge Ray's own feelings too. Everything between them was perfect and then suddenly, Sand disappeared from Ray's life. He knew Ray was aware of just what had caused him to do that but he knew the other boy also deserved some explanations. Instead of that, during the rare moments when Ray reached him, pleading him to talk to him, urging him to ask away if something bothered him, Sand always ended up giving the same response: Nothing is wrong, Ray. I am just too busy and very exhausted as of lately. Ray wasn't buying this. That was the reason he kept chasing after him, both to look for answers and also to try to close the gap that's formed between them.
Sand acknowledged he was being the asshole in the situation. Maybe for once he would settle with being the bad character in someone else's story.
As he turned to look at the boy by his side, the one who has been flirting with him since the past half an hour or so, Sand reminded himself that he had to move on. And there was his opportunity to do that. The stranger was looking at him like he had one purpose on mind - to fuck and go. No complications, no relationships, no feelings. Maybe this is what Sand needed the most right now. Another person's lips on his, to wash away Ray's taste. Another person's touch on him, to erase the feeling of Ray's over his skin. This could be his chance to forget, at least for one night. There was enough alcohol in his system to make him do just that.
One drink led to another, the casual conversation turned into a rather flirtatious one, and before Sand could think twice, his lips were pressed against the stranger's. Their hands were roaming all over their bodies, touching and gripping everywhere they could while stealing each other's breath away.
The man's lips weren't as soft as Ray's. His kisses didn't taste as sweet. His touch didn't put his skin on fire. His moans weren't as melodious as Ray's. He wasn't eliciting butterflies in his stomach, wasn't making him grow weak at the knees. He simply wasn't Ray.
As the two's entangled bodies stumbled outside, the stranger had him pressed against the wall in the alleyway of the bar. Their kisses were rushed, their touch was messy, and it was all meant to be something quick and nasty. They were going to part ways after this and never see each other again. Sand was desperate to take his mind off the only one person he wished to have in his arms right now and if lewd sex in the dark alleyway could help him do that, so be it.
Before Sand could sneak his hand under the man's jeans, suddenly his warmth was gone and so were the lips against his. Opening his eyes to see what happened, he didn't expect to be met with the sight he was witnessing now.
"That's enough. Go find someone else to have fun with." Ray. The man was standing between him and the stranger, his back facing him, while he was speaking with such clear irritation in his voice. Sand was too shocked by the other's interruption to be able to react.
"You didn't tell me you have a boyfriend, Sand." The guy he's just been making out with spoke up, sounding a little breathless because of their sordid affair.
His words felt like cold water being poured down on him, helping to shake him out of his trance. Moving away from where he was trapped between the wall and Ray's frame, he stepped to the side, eyebrows furrowing as he finally met his gaze.
Ray didn't seem drunk. That wasn't one of his drunken attempts to stir up trouble then. Sand didn't have to spend a long time trying to read his expression. Ray was mad. And he could also tell why. Maybe the shorter simply didn't like it when someone else took away what he considered his. Sand was going to break all his illusions tonight.
"He's not my boyfriend." Sand turned to look at the stranger. "We're just friends." He uttered the exact same words that Ray had spoken on the night of his birthday without a single care in the world. It was a low blow, he could admit that, especially as he watched Ray's eyes fall shut for a brief moment, sucking in a breath.
"Then shall we move this to my place?" The stranger extended his hand to Sand, the smile returning to his face. Before Sand could reach out to him, Ray once more got in the way, pushing the guy backwards.
"I told you to go find someone else." Ray affirmed each word he said, shortening the distance between him and the stranger. "Sand is off limits." He crossed his arms and if looks could kill, the other man whose name Sand didn't even remember, would be dead already.
"And who are you to say that? If I want to fuck him, and he wants that too, this is exactly what's going to happen. " The stranger stepped in too, not allowing Ray to intimidate him so easily.
"Is that so?" Ray chuckled, no humor behind this whatsoever. "And you think I will let an asshole like you touch him?" He snorted, making his supposed fling scowl. This situation was threatening to escalate too quickly.
"I would like to see you try and stop me." The other man challenged, not backing down even for a moment. As Sand watched anger flash through Ray's expression, he knew what was going to follow, and yet his reaction wasn't as fast as it had to be. Ray slammed his fist into the stranger's face, making him stumble backwards while he rushed forward to take a hold of his collar, maybe to throw yet another punch.
"Ray, stop that!" Sand shouted, storming towards the two so he could pull Ray back before the stranger could swing forward too. "Are you a hooligan, what the fuck are you doing?" The taller cussed, keeping one hand pressed against Ray's chest while the other one was pressed into his fling's chest in order to keep the two men at an arm's length away from each other.
"He can't have you, Sand!" Ray spoke through gritted teeth and if it wasn't for Sand's attempts to keep the stranger away from getting to Ray, he would have given him a very snarky response about how he isn't the one to determine who can have him and who not!
"My friend is drunk, he doesn't know what he's doing. I apologize on his behalf!" Sand rushed to calm down the man whose bed he was supposed to be in now, ignoring Ray's exclamations behind him of I am sober! and Don't apologize to this idiot!
After few curses that were sent in Sand and Ray's direction, the man had ventured back into the bar, probably to find someone new after his hook up with Sand was inevitably ruined. Turning to look at Ray, the taller crossed his arms, an expression of disbelief on his face when he noticed the victorious smile on the other's face.
"Are you serious?" Sand shuck his head as Ray looked at him, as if he didn't understand where the accusatory tone was coming from.
"You can do better than that. You should thank me instead of being so mad." Ray and his bratty attitude were going to be the end of Sand some day. Sighing and without saying a word, he walked past the shorter. It was the hand which wrapped around his wrist that made him halt in his place. "Where are you going?"
"To catch a taxi. I lost my chance for a free ride because of you." Sand huffed, shrugging his arm out of the other's grip. It wasn't a surprise that Ray began to walk after him, following him like a puppy.
"I will give you a ride! I swear I haven't drank!" Sand already knew that. He lied so the stranger would drop the grudge and give up on initiating a fight. "I will take you to my place so we can talk. It's been a while."
"There's nothing to talk about, Ray. I've told you this already." Sand spoke, feigning nonchalance which seemed to have only pushed Ray's buttons because the next thing he knew, the shorter was standing before him, blocking his way, while there was a furrow between his eyebrows.
"Sand, something is wrong. Do you think I don't notice the way you avoid me and give me excuses anytime I reach out to you?" Sand didn't think this - he just hoped Ray would give up on him by now. "You mean a lot to me, Sand. You are much more important to me than you think you are and I don't know how I used to live before I had you, but now it's damn awful!" As Ray's voice rose, so did the emotions that were coming up to the surface, reflecting in the boy's eyes. "So I can't stand here and watch you slip right through my fingers. I am not going to lose you, I am not going to let you go, and if you think I am going to give up on you because of the first obstacle, you're damn wrong!" The man trailed off and although his voice was a little shaky, there was so much determination in it. "So are you going to come with me willingly or do I have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you myself?"
Sand didn't mean to smile. He really didn't. It was just that he didn't know what he found more endearing - Ray thinking that he stood a chance against him or the image that flashed before his eyes of him struggling to pick him up and fulfill his promise.
Releasing a sigh, he nodded. He once again caved in and it didn't take a lot of convincing for Ray to manage to make him do as he wished. This was the reason why he kept avoiding Ray and refusing to meet up, because he knew that he still wasn't strong enough to be able to say no to him.
The drive towards Ray's house was silent and so were the few minutes which followed after they came in and settled down on the couch. The shorter had poured them a glass of alcohol and while he was sipping often on it, Sand's remained untouched. Neither of them was taking the initiative to speak up or maybe neither knew how to start this.
"I know Boston's words are what made you upset that night. Ever since then you've been distant." Ray's voice knocked him out of his thoughts, making Sand look towards him. "So I am going to tell you again, Sand. Whatever is on your mind, ask me."
"I told you, I am not special enough to-"
"Cut it off, Sand!" Ray placed his glass down on the table with a thump, turning to look at Sand with frustrated expression on his face. "You're special to me! I think you might be the most special person in my life right now!" The words spoken out of irritation had something flutter inside Sand's chest. "So ask away, please Sand! I can't stand being away from you anymore." Ray spoke a little more quietly now, making Sand note the hint of despair in his voice.
"Which of the things Boston said are true?" Sand shot out his question, surprising even himself with his bluntness, although Ray seemed prepared for it.
"I have never slept with Mew. Everything that happened between us was one kiss from two years ago that happened on the day I confessed to him and he rejected me." Sand's lips parted. He didn't expect Ray to give him such a quick and raw response. "And if you asked me few months ago if it's true that I am in love with him, I would have said yes without any hesitation." Sand's look strayed away, gulping hard.
"And if I asked you now?" The taller spoke so quietly that he doubted the other would even hear him.
"Now I am not so sure anymore." Ray let out a small sigh, his head lowering. "All this time, I only had Mew, Sand. He was the one I could lean on, he was my emergency contact, he was the one who would be there for me when no one else would." As Ray went on, something inside Sand screamed that now, he wanted to be that person for Ray too, if only the other would let him. "So my gratitude and attachment towards him are big. They are what make the line between love and admiration blur for me." Sand could understand. Or at least, he could try to. "I don't know if I am in love with him or if I am in love with the idea of having someone who's always by my side like him."
Sand has had his fair share with ex boyfriends who cheated, lied, betrayed him, stabbed him in the back, all while pretending to be innocent, putting on the mask of someone loving for the sake of fooling him. That's what gave him experience in seeing through people with ease, making him catch on every little thing that would expose their lies. As his eyes met Ray's, however, there was true, genuine confusion behind the boy's gaze. He seemed lost, almost scared even.
"You are the one who made me confused about all that, do you know?" Ray huffed a laugh, making Sand look at him with surprise. "You walked into my life and made me experience feelings I have never felt before. I would say I wake up and fall asleep to the thought of you but that would be too cheesy. It's something that's fitting you more to say." The man's comment earned him a gentle nudge to his side, followed by a lighthearted you asshole coming from Sand. "I just feel very happy with you, Sand. And those few days we spent apart.. I hated each and every single one of them. This made me realize how much of an important part of my life you have become."
Sand didn't have it in him to stay upset at Ray when he was hearing everything his cracked heart needed to hear the most. He wasn't upset at Ray in the first place - he wasn't trying to punish the other by keeping his distance. All he wanted was to protect his own feelings, knowing they would never be reciprocated by the other.
The more Ray was revealing about how he felt towards him however, the more that so familiar hope was starting to find a place to settle inside his chest again.
"And when I saw you earlier in that man's arms-" Ray's jaw clenched as he glanced away. "It made me so angry that someone else was touching you, Sand! I know we haven't made any arrangements and that you are allowed to hook up with whoever you want but, I can't share you!"
"I am not yours to share anyway, Ray." Sand threw in lightheartedly, a smile tugging on his lips as Ray leaned in.
"Are you not? Really?" The shorter cocked his head to the side, revealing a confident smile. "You are mine, Sand. Every inch of you belongs to me, you just don't want to admit it." Just how could Ray go from being so vulnerable to so flirtatious, in a blink of an eye? Sand would never get used to how fast he changed moods, still giving him whiplash even after months of knowing him.
"Don't be such a psychopath," Sand chuckled, pushing Ray off as he shuck his head at him. The cocky expression remained on the shorter's face while his heart pounded foolishly against his chest, affected by Ray's words.
Some moments of silence filled the room. Roles were swapped and now Sand was the one sipping on his glass of alcohol while Ray was inspecting him, closely following all his gestures. The taller just needed some time for everything the other revealed to sink in, for him to be able to process the information.
"Are we good now, Sand?" Ray asked, breaking the silence after Sand had emptied down his glass. "I know I can't give you the answers you want just yet but.. I promise, I am trying to figure things out." The shorter unexpectedly reached out, sliding his hand into Sand's. "What I know now is that I can't bear to lose you, Sand. Please, don't walk away from me." The man tightened the grip on his hand, almost as if he was afraid Sand would get up and run out of his house right at this moment.
Looking at Ray, Sand came to accept yet another defeat. There went all his attempts to shield his heart from a heartbreak. Although Ray's words were reassuring, igniting hope that after all, there might be a future for them, there were far too many uncertainties, far too many things that could go wrong. And despite Sand acknowledging that, he chose to hold onto the little Ray has given him tonight.
"Fine, I am not going anywhere. Can you stop being sappy now?" Sand revealed a small grin as he reached out to mess up Ray's perfectly styled hair, making the shorter match his smile as he pushed his hand away. As much as Sand would mess around, call him too cheesy or a sap, Ray could see that his words have managed to get to him, if his softened gaze and wide smile were anything to judge by.
"Depends. Will I receive a kiss if I stop?" Ray brought his flirtatious comments again, making Sand scoff. Shaking his head with a fond smile on his face, he didn't give the shorter an answer, instead tugging him in by the collar of his shirt so he could press their lips together. Ray giggled against his lips in victory before he cupped Sand's cheeks, making his way onto his lap where he could kiss him breathless.
As Ray's tongue pushed into his mouth, eager to erase the taste of the man who had kissed Sand earlier, the latter realized two things.
The first one was that with everything Ray has done for him tonight, it seemed like the other man wasn't indifferent towards him after all. If anything, the whole speech of feelings Ray gave him could only signify that he, too, felt something for Sand, and that only time would show where this would lead them.
The second thing was the acknowledgement that after giving in to Ray tonight, he would never be able to stay away from him again, even if the fire which he was playing with was bound to turn him into ashes by the end.