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“Do I have B.O. or something?”
“What?”
“I’ve never seen you turn down a truth or dare kiss before.”
“Don’t—don’t do that.”
Belly took a really shallow breath.
“Do what?”
She knew what. Or thought she knew. These past few days, having Jeremiah back felt like she could finally breathe again after months of not being able to, which she didn’t think was possible. After Susannah died, she thought she’d never be able to breathe properly again. That her lungs suddenly being unable to function properly had everything to do with losing her. But Belly soon realized, it wasn’t just because of her. It was also because of losing him.
He finally told her how much everything hurt him and she’d never, in her life, realized she could actually cause so much pain. But she did and worse, she did it to the one person she never wanted to see hurt. The one that never deserved it.
“Why don’t you want to kiss me?”
She was on thin ice. She knew—She knew that. She wanted to pretend like everything was back to normal between the two of them but she was just lying to herself. He was her best friend. He was her person. The things she felt when she was together with him last summer were things she never expected but it was real. And she walked away before she could find out how much more real it could be right when they needed each other the most.
This whole thing reminded Belly of playing truth or dare when she was younger.
Young Belly was wearing her favorite daisy sweatshirt, her hair was in pigtails and she was feeling really nervous about this particular game of truth or dare. Her braces were still feeling new to her and though there was a chance that nobody was going to dare her to kiss someone, she was still feeling really insecure about it.
Breaking her away from her thoughts, she felt a nudge on her shoulder. Jeremiah. Jerebear with his golden curls and bright smile. He was taller than her by an inch now and though she never admitted to it, she hated it. She was the shortest out of all of them now which gave them more reason to leave her out. Jeremiah didn’t seem to notice though, he still treated her the way he always did. They were friends.
“Jeremiah!” Clay the neighbor boy called his name, forcing him to look away from her. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare.”
“Finally. I dare you to—”
“—kiss Belly!” The girl beside her, she couldn’t remember who, was grinning, excited to see any sort of action in this game. Belly never knew if it was intentional or not. Did the girl see the way Jere was looking at her right before Clay called him out? Did they see something in the way she looked at him? Or was it everyone’s boring answers that pushed her to do a kissing dare and Belly just so happened to be the one sitting next to him?
Whatever the reason was, Belly’s breath hitched and she felt more self-conscious than ever. Everyone was looking at her, increasingly impatient at her staying frozen in her spot. That is, until she felt a gentle tug on the edge of her sweatshirt. She turned to look at him slowly and the moment her eyes landed on Jeremiah’s face, she completely forgot what she was feeling. Jeremiah wasn’t looking exactly at her. He kept flitting his glances to her and then the floor and then his hands—as if he didn’t know what to do, as if he was… shy. But that was impossible, Belly thought. Jeremiah Fisher was never shy. Let alone because of her.
“Can I—is it okay?” He said in a whisper, staring at the space between them. She’d never seen him like this.
And suddenly she was giggling.
The mere thought of her best friend acting all nervous simultaneously made her feel at ease while also weirded her out just the right amount to make her forget she was the reserved one between the pair. Jeremiah looked right at her then, confused at first but eventually he couldn’t help it—seeing Belly smile always made him smile. He gave her a signature Jere grin back, inevitably showing off his braces and Belly giggled even louder.
She placed her hands on his cheeks and brought his face down to her to give him a quick, chaste little kiss.
Belly pulled away still smiling at her friend while Jere’s cheeks were tinged with a little redness.
Everybody in their little circle had never seen Belly Conklin that confident and Jeremiah Fisher that shy. It was a movie scene. It was a parallel universe. It was—
“Damn, Conklin,” Clay started grumbling, “What was that? Your first kiss? A little into it much?”
Belly’s eyebrows scrunched then. She didn’t think of it like that. Jere was her friend and all she did was smile. Was she not supposed to?
If Jeremiah wasn’t still dazed at the kiss with Belly, he would’ve been quicker to speak. Shut up, Clay. It was already on the tip of his tongue. But Belly just got there faster, wanting to defend herself somehow even though she wasn’t exactly sure what it was she was supposed to feel ashamed about.
“I—I wasn’t… Truth or dare kisses don’t count.” She managed to say, all her confidence earlier vanishing without a trace.
She briefly looked back at Jeremiah whose face was just blank. His shyness gone too.
“It doesn’t matter,” She kept going, “It wasn’t real.” The last words barely above a whisper.
Everybody moved on.
“Because if I kiss you, I don’t know if I could ever stop!”
But Belly was back there now.
Jeremiah’s voice was firm and his stare was piercing through her soul. Things weren’t going to go back the way it used to be. A part of it scared her because she’d do absolutely anything to not lose him again. But another part of it… what scared her was to think that if things went back to the way they used to be, she wouldn’t hear him say words like that again. Not to her.
“What does that mean?”
She needed to hear him say it even though she didn’t feel like she deserved it.
“I don’t know, Bells. It’s complicated.”
She’d think about those words for the rest of her time in Cousins, at Finch, and at Brown. They had finally kissed again and it was like the sun came out just for them. They were in their own world of their creation and she didn’t want to ever leave it. But just as quickly as the joy came rushing in, it was shut off when they realized Conrad was right behind them.
It was complicated.
It was messy.
But it was real.
“It was real for me too.” She heard him say and instantly she felt warm despite the coldness of the rain pouring outside.
He was the place she always wanted to run back to no matter what emotion she was feeling. She wanted to run to him when she was happy, when she was sad, hell, even if she was angry and raging at the world to the point of tears he was the one person that made her give herself permission to feel all of it. Without fear or hesitation, the world that stretched out from Belly’s fingertips to Jere’s was the realest thing she’d ever known.
“If you feel the same for me after that, then I’m yours.”
Just like that truth or dare kiss when they were younger, Belly once again saw Jeremiah in a way people rarely see. Upset and worried and anxious. All she wanted to do at that moment was pull him towards her again. Make him smile. Reassure him that he’s the only one she wanted. Because it was true. However Conrad felt, she knew it wasn’t going to change anything so to hear Jere say those words?
“Then you’re mine.” She said playfully. He was hers. They were each other’s. Her hand brushed his back on her way to the bathroom. She didn’t mean anything by it, not really. She just wanted to touch him.
And that feeling never went away.
In the morning, she woke up still tired from all the emotional whiplash of the day before. She wanted to take her time to get ready knowing there were serious conversations to be had but by the time she left the bathroom, she worried it was going to be one less than she was expecting. Jeremiah was gone and all she could think of was that she had lost him again. That she had fucked it all up again.
But like sunshine slowly peeking into her bedroom, he was suddenly right there just at the point she needed to wake up. She’d never realized it until that moment but she always loved having his face be the first one she saw when she woke up. With their bedrooms right next to each other in the summer house, it was always so easy to sneak off together for muffin runs or morning jogs or watching the sunrise. Seeing his face now, it comforted her still despite it looking upset. Her hands tingled trying to resist putting them on his cheeks.
“What am I thinking?”
Never go away. Stay with me. I’m yours.
“I don’t know.” His voice was soft and timid exactly like the way she remembered it during their truth or dare kiss, no, during their first real kiss.
“You know.”
And then they kissed like an ocean separating them had finally parted. They kissed like they were kids on a soccer field running like their lives depended on it. They kissed like they’ve been trapped in a cave and finally saw the sun for the first time in years.
They were more than the feeling of summer, she thought.
They were every season before that moment.
They were every season ahead.
They were everything.