Chapter Text
“Hey,” Maya stuck her head around the bathroom door, watching her wife thoigh the mirror, “are you nearly ready to go, I want to beat the traffic?”
Maya's eyes dropped to look at Carina's hands when her wife didn't immediately reply. A sigh escaped as she realised what was going on. The Italian's hands were pulling at her abdomen, running over faded bruises and lasting bloat. Maya stepped forward and rested her chin on Carina's shoulder, arms crossing over her waist at the front. "Next time," it was delivered as a whisper from Maya's parted lips just bellow her ear lobe. She kissed there and repeated herself, "next time, babe."
Carina turned, jeans still unbuttoned and hid in Maya's neck. Maya settled her hand higher, on laying flat over her waist the other resting on Carina's shoulder, hand resting on the back of her head. "I'm bleeding, my period." The little stifled sob that accompanied this confession was completely devastating. Maya squeezed tighter, she couldn't turn her head to connect her lips to any of Carina so settled for gently drawing her fingertips over her scalp.
"We can cancel the trip."
"No," Carina pulled back to look at her, face blotchy, eyes red-rimmed, "no I want to go."
"Okay," Maya caught her lips in a gentle kiss, "anything you need? We can stop on our way out of town."
"I'm fine."
"Okay. I love you," her hands had dropped from Carina, only for her left to take Carina's right, fingers interlocked, her thumb able to run up and down Carina's to its heart's content. She always had her thumb on top. Always.
Carina sighed, as she crouched down, Maya's hand still firmly in hers and pulled out a menstrual cup and pads and a couple of tampons. Every time she had to buy more it felt like an unhelpful reminder of everything that wasn't happening. This was their fourth insemination and still nothing had happened. There had been no positive pregnancy tests. No nausea or symptoms of pregnancy. No implantation bleeding. Just periods. Each one a heartbreaking reminder of everything they had lost. Of all four eggs that could have been.
Whilst she was appreciative beyond explanation of Maya's promises of next time it was difficult to keep the same cheery hope. She knew Maya was struggling too, but with each one Carina's hope was dwindling whilst Maya still seemed to be able to latch on to the 'next time'. They had been doing this for close to eight months and that was without considering all of the health checks and research and scans that they had done prior. It was eight months of repeated cycles. Getting prescribed hormones. Dealing with the side-effects for them. Ultrasound to check follicles. The awful trigger shot that pumped her full of hormones. Maya going to collect yet another liquid nitrogen filled barrel that also contained donor number 220318's sperm. It was hopeful making out and quiet exploration. It was an uncomfortable syringe. And it was legs in the air and hips tilted up. And it was hope. And it was heartbreak.
Carina was still crying, as they walked down to the campervan Maya had hired for their escape. No matter how hard she tried today she just couldn't shut off the tears.
"Its really lovely," she said, voice wobbly, as Maya said "tah-da!"
"Oh baby," Maya pulled her back into a hug, "we can go back upstairs and try again tomorrow."
"Its okay." She said and stepped forward, still holding Maya's hand, wanting to explore the cute little van Maya had hired them. It wasn't some big camper with an elvis top and slide out sides. It was humble, a van conversion that would comfortably sleep them. There was a cozy bed at the back that you could open the doors too and look out on whatever location you had settled in for the night. Behind a little door to the left of the bed, there was a shower with a toilet, though the pair had agreed, where possible, to just use the shower and stop for the bathroom. In front was a little galley kitchen with a good sized fridge and a sink. Opposite that there was a table with two squashy looking chairs, perfect for lunch stops and evening meals. It was open into the driver's cab and whilst both would be able to drive it, Maya would be driving it most of the time.
"Its perfect, and all of our stuff is in here?" Carina spotted their duvet on the neatly made bed.
"Mmhmm. Ready to set off? It's only around two hours to Mount Rainier but we should be able to see it, as we can see it today from Seattle. Is that okay?"
"Perfect. I've always wanted to go, you can see it from my office on a clear day, you know," Carina said, Maya's excitement rubbing off on her. Her tears had stopped and she was letting herself feel excited for this. Perfect uninterrupted time with her amazing wife.
"This is why I never let you drive, ugh, pull over."
"What?"
"Pull over Maya."
Maya was utterly confused, Carina had been asleep for most of the hour they were driving. She did as Carina asked though, and pulled into a lay-by. Confusion still reigned, as Carina sat there. "Wha-" she had started to ask what was going on but then her wife was throwing the door open, sliding out, because the door was so high up and from what Maya could see was leaning against the side of the van, almost doubled over. Suddenly it made sense and Maya threw off her seatbelt and moved over to the passenger seat in time to take up her hair.
She had never known Carina to get car sick ever. Though, she supposed Carina did a lot of the driving and they never really went on windy roads. Plus, she thought, as she lightly patted Carina's back, the Italian had been asleep and Maya could remember from childhood that that usually contributed to feeling sick on roadtrips. Still, she put her hand on Carina's forehead when she straightened up and took her water from the door of the car.
"Va bene, Maya. Its just mal d'auto. Car illness," she pulled Maya’s hand from her forehead, still irritated.
"Okay," Maya slipped back off the chair to let her wife climb back in.
"I'm driving," Carina grumbled, climbing over Maya who was crouched down between the seats. Maya knew not to argue, so just belted up, as Carina slid the chair back and tested the controls, reving the engine loudly. Maya had thought they were ready to go until Carina opened the driver door and leaned out. Maya went to put her hand on Carina's back again but the doctor batted it away, already straightening up again. "We're going to sit here for ten minutes."
"Okay."
"Recover from your awful driving."
"Okay," Maya held in her chuckle and got up, deciding to put a little more ice in Carina's water bottle, remembering how she had requested it the last time she was sick.
"Sorry," she said into Carina's temple, hugging her.
"Hmph."
"Okay," Maya couldn't help the laugh that time.
"Maya."
"I'm sorry, you're just cute when you're pissed off. You know I didn't mean for you to get sick, right? You fell asleep and this road is winding. And this is pretty bouncy, they need to tighten the suspension."
Carina crossed her arms and looked away at the high-sided canyon they were driving through. "I love you. But stop talking."
Maya nodded and sat in her seat, trying not to be mad herself. She knew this was just Carina not feeling well and letting out some frustration surrounding this and also not being pregnant on Maya. But it was difficult not to feel a little hurt by it all. She set to folding up Carina's blanket but when the Italian told her to stop fidgeting she also turned to looking out of the window, only all she could see was cream coloured rock.
Eventually Carina was ready to go. She put the van into gear and loosened the clutch only for the van to lurch forward and immediately stall. "You have to-"
"I know Maya, I know." She restarted the van and got them safely back on the way. "Navigate." She huffed.
"Yup." Maya had set her phone up but knew Carina preferred someone to tell her the way, so took it off the stand, "straight on for a while, babe."
"Musica."
"Yes." She had been listening to a podcast whilst Carina slept and it was still playing. She quickly shut it off and found one of the playlists Carina usually listened too that had majority Italian music. Carina was still scowling for another ten minutes before it slipped and she began to hum along to the music. When she started singing, Maya leaned over and squeezed her thigh, smiling when Carina took her hand from the wheel and patted it, signalling she was happy for Maya to keep it there for just a little longer.
They pulled over for gas just before entering the area surrounding the national park. Maya always fuelled up, whether she was driving or not, so leaned and kissed Carina's cheek before climbing out. In the little store where you paid she walked up and down the low aisles, picking out some snacks that she knew Carina liked, remembering to grab some dark chocolate which was always appreciated when she had her period. She stopped at a little medicine section and grabbed some paracetamol and something that said it was good for upset stomachs and a packet of travel sickness tablets before paying for the gas and making her way back out. She faltered at the sight of Carina bent double, being sick again.
"This doesn't seem like motion sickness," Maya said gently, running her hand along the top portion of Carina's back.
"I feel better now?"
"Really?" Maya gave her a pointed look. She was shaking like a leaf and her lips were pale. "Why don't I drive us to our campground and you can rest. We can do ranier tomorrow or on the way back whenever you're feeling better."
"No, you can see it today," Carina accepted the water bottle from Maya, "I know how uncommon that is. We can go and if I need to rest I will rest. Our car had a bed," she waved behind her.
"Sure?"
"Mmhmm. Can I drive though?"
"After you stop shaking and get a bit of colour back in your face," Maya thumbed her cheek before kissing her.
"Can we cuddle? In bed?"
Maya nodded and opened the side door for her. "Are you sure you're okay?" Maya asked, as Carina burrowed under the covers.
"I'm tired of being sad. And not feeling healthy and unwell. And work used to be happy but now I've seen more patients from out of state and more women thinking they can't get abortions here. And Mamma's are still dying from covid but the rest of the world has forgotten about it. And now I have my period and I've been sick."
"Baby," Maya cooed. Carina was crying as she settled on Maya's chest. "What a shit time," Maya smoothed her hand over Carina's hair, "I know how hard it is to stay hopeful about everything. Aside from our wedding the last what, two years? They've been awful. And covid before that. But I promise you it'll start looking up. I think the universe has this sick way of sending you the low lows so that the highs feel so much more. But that is shit. And I'm sorry the world feels like it's weighing down on you. I am."
"I feel like I am running out of hope."
"I'm sorry you feel like that, endlessly sorry," Maya punctuates this with a kiss to Carina's temple and increases the tight squeeze she's been giving. "I have enough hope for both of us, sweetheart, if you need to sit in this hopelessness for a while. I can hope for the both of us."
This inadvertently causes Carina to cry more. Maya tells her I love you all of the time but this is a true demonstration of this. It increases the amount of love she feels ten fold. It makes her impossibly grateful. It ignites just a little bit of hope that whatever happens things will be alright because she has Maya. Incredible Maya.
"Is your tummy okay?" Carina asks, her voice muffled from having her face squashed into Maya's jumper.
"Mmhmm." Maya replied, turning her head to kiss Carina's, "fine."
"I wonder if this is your period," Maya quietly said, she pulled one hand off Carina's back and brushed away a few strands of hair before letting it settle on her forehead, "you don't have a fever."
"I haven't felt great for a few days," Carina mumbled, "but it didn't turn into anything."
"You haven't?" Maya felt Carina shake her head and then let out a sigh, "I'm sorry to hear. What's been wrong?"
"Feeling nauseous and cramps. A couple of headaches."
"Oh babe," Maya sighed this time, moving her hand up to massage Carina's scalp, "do you just want to go home? We can do this some other time?"
"I'm still gonna be not well whether I'm home or not, may as well be somewhere beautiful."
"Always with that positive attitude my little love. Do you still want to drive?"
"You can drive," Carina said sitting up, "I'm feeling a bit better though."
"Good," Maya sat up too and lightly scratched her lowed back, "it's no fun being sick. Just let me know if we need to stop, kay?"
"Kay," Carina imitated, pulling the blanket from the foot of the bed with her.
Maya tried her best to drive as carefully as possible, even if that meant getting overtaken on the straights and arriving a full forty minutes after the sat nav said it would take. Every so often she would glance over at Carina who had her head resting on the passenger window, curled under the blanket. She had more colour in her face now but with how much she had slept this journey Maya felt almost certain she was coming down with something. This could be added to the fact that Carina had fallen asleep on the sofa almost every night that week. Granted a couple of times it was following times she had cried about the negative test.
Maya got them safely into the national park with no issues. She paid the allotted fee, choosing to pay for two days rather than one so they had a chance to come back the next day. As they trundled along behind other sight-seers Maya could feel the excitement growing. Despite living in Washington for her entire life Maya had never managed to make the short journey up to see the tallest peak in America. It took a lot of self-control not to call out and wake Carina up when she got a first good look at it. She slowed right down and leaned her chest against the steering wheel to get a better look. Even from this far away she was aware and in awe of its impressive hight. Around ten no mountain sighting minutes later the van rounded a corner and there it was, just looming over them. Maya didn't realise you could see it on the journey up so clearly and felt compelled to make the stop like her fellow tourists for a picture. She pulled the van into a spot and climbed into the back over the cooler to get her camera. She turned it on and snapped a picture of sleeping Carina on her way out of the car. She was planning on making a photo album of this trip in the hopes of being able to show it to their baby one day.
Stepping away from the van she walked over to the road, which was quiet and stood almost in the road just admiring. This felt closer than she ever thought she'd get and she wasn't even at the highest vistor centre yet. She stepped back for a car and then quickly crouched in the road, getting a good picture of the snowcapped mountain looming over the road. Satisfied after another couple of minutes of looking, she hung her camera around her neck and made her way back.
"Are we here?" A small voice asked, as Maya climbed back in.
"Sort of. We're in the national park but not at the visitor centre. You can just see it really clear here."
"Can I?"
"Absolutely, come on sweetheart," Maya held her hand out. Carina threw off the blanket and shuffled over before realising she wasn't wearing any shoes, having taken them off to get into the bed and then neglected to put them back on.
"Do I need shoes?"
Maya chuckled and turned around, indicating she could get a piggy-back, "just try not to strangle me like you normally do."
"Sì, sì, andiamo Bishop."
"So lucky I love you," Carina heard, as Maya shut the door with her bum and turned to lock it. Maya carried them back to the road but stayed firmly on the side, not wanting to put Carina at any risk. Carina stole the camera from around her neck taking a few pictures before instructing Maya to turn around. Maya did and when there was a phone in her gave she understood why. Carina took a couple and then did one more where she kissed Maya's cheek.
"Y'all want a photo?" A smiling woman in her sixties asked.
"Yes, please, could you do it on my camera?" She nodded and Maya stepped them carefully out into the road, smiling widely for the photo. They thanked her and then Maya walked them back to the van, depositing Carina in the driver seat.
"Want me to drive and you take photos?"
"If you're up for it."
"Sì, asolumente. This is your holiday too."
"Okay then, onwards, baby." Maya pointed saluting as she did.
"Excited Maya is one of my favourites."
Carina enjoyed the vistor centre and looking at the mountain but had begun feeling tired again by the end of it. Maya was prepared to drive them to their camp ground without doing the little hike she had planned but Carina insisted she did it.
Maya booted up and kissed her goodbye, promising to be back in a couple of hours. Maya didn't rush the trail but also didn't go slow, not wanting to leave Carina for too long. On the way back she decided to call into the little gift shop to get a few momentos of a good day, even with Carina not feeling well. She got herself a postcard and a magnet and as she was queueing up to pay got distracted by a selection of baby onsies. She and Carina had bought a few things together for their future baby but Maya had never done one on her own. She stepped out of the queue and walked over to them, biting her lip. She had a moment's hesitation before snagging up a 0-3 month outfit that was a mimick ranger uniform and a onesie that said 'Ranier Adventurer'. She paid but decided she wouldn't show them to Carina until she was feeling a little more hopeful.
"Should we try and find a hotel tonight? Be comfortable?" Maya suggested, as she undid her boots sat on the van step. She could see Carina from her spot, the Italian was lying with an sleep mask on, she had mumbled 'Ciao' as Maya opened the door but hadn't said anything else. Maya suspected she now had a headache, "sleep in a proper bed?"
"I promise I'm feeing better," Carina said, pulling the mask off, looking at Maya who was wiping a little mud off the back of her legs, "I just feel really tired. I am hungry though."
"Ah, I see, we can't have that," Maya raised an eyebrow as she walked over. "Hi you." She leaned down and kissed her.
"Hi bambina, good walk?"
"Sì, very good."
"You're red," she poked Maya's shoulder, "did you put on," she paused trying to find the right word, almost proving the tiredness, grateful when Maya waited for her to find it instead of answering for her or guessing, "in Italian protezione solare. In American." She shrugged.
"Sunscreen?" Maya provided, considering Carina had poked her sunburn, "I forgot."
"Oca stupida," Carina said, sitting up, so her face was by Maya's who was still leaning over her arms either side of her head, "ti amo."
"Ti amo tanto," she said after Carina kissed her, "should we feed you then? Or can you wait forty minutes until we get to camp?"
"I can wait," Carina kissed her cheek again, "I love you."
"I love you too," Carina had gotten up and wrapped her arms around Maya almost immediately, trapping her in the middle of the kitchen/sitting area. Maya gladly obliged and hugged her back just as tight, if not tighter, "you're in a very loving mood. It's great, I get all the cuddles."
"I've just been reflecting," she whispered nuzzling her nose against Maya's, as their eyes met, "you're brilliant. I keep thinking about what you said about hope. I'm so lucky to have you, Maya."
"I'm lucky to have you. Fortunato, right? Fortunate."
"Fortunato." Carina repeated.
"Okay, should we get going then?"
"You drive."
"Of course."
"Hey, oh why are you crying?" Maya said, as Carina returned from the bathroom. Maya had been serving the pasta they she'd made using a sauce Carina had pre-made in advance. On reflection Carina had been too hungry to drive so they had pulled up at a little stop area with a nice view for dinner before the continued on. Carina had seemed fine as she left to use the toilet so Maya was entirely confused surrounding this sight.
"I've stopped bleeding," she sniffed "I think I might be pregnant."
"What?" Maya almost dropped the bowl of pasta she was holding so Carina didn't knock it on her way past into the van, "that can't be. You, the negative test, sweetheart."
"I think it was implantation bleeding. I have sore boobs," she grabbed her chest, "I couldn't put my bra on this morning. Nausea and vomiting that now I think have been worse in the morning or before meals. Exhaustion, I've slept a lot. Bambina I-"
"They're also period symptoms and symptoms of a sickness bug."
"Where's your hope Maya? Where's this hope you were talking about," Carina said defensively, tears stopping.
Maya sighed, closing her eyes for a moment, "I have hope," she looked up at Carina, their eyes meeting, "but I'm, I don't-" she stopped herself from saying, 'I don't want to entertain this delusion if its not possible' that was mean and not worded how she wanted, "I- okay," she pivoted, "so do you want to get a test to check?"
"No I want to sit and wait until the baby slips out of me, should only take a few months," the statement was dripping in sarcasm and if the situation wasn't so intense Maya was sure she would be laughing and congratulating Carina on using sarcasm correctly after 3 years of knowing her and her sense of humour. "Of course I want to take a fucking test Maya, come on."
Maya was a bit out out by this because she had asked Carina nicely with genuine curiosity and Carina had snapped back at her. She reminded herself this was just stress and worry and fear talking and not her wife, "okay, let's eat and then we'll find somewhere."
"Go to that store." Carina pointed to a tiny convenience store across the road.
"Car, I don't think-"
"Now Maya."
"Yep, okay," Maya grabbed her wallet from the front seat and quickly crossed the deserted road. They weren't far out of the national park but it was nearing 8pm and most other tourists had left early. She pushed open the door and smiled at the pimpley boy sat behind the desk. She had been absolutely sure that the tiny, middle of nowhere, made for bikers and road-trippers wouldn't have a test but too her surprise three minutes after entering she spotted one battered box on a shelf that when she got closer said 'pregnancy test'. She pulled it down and flipped it over so it's underside was showing, aiming to check for a use-by date. Thankfully it was in date so she carried it over to the counter.
"I didn't even know we had these," the boy said, picking the box up between his index finger and thumb like it's going to bite him.
Maya rolled her eyes, replying, "it was by the condoms."
"We sell a lot of them," he nodded approvingly.
"How much," Maya said, not in the mood.
"Geeze Lady. $15."
"Fifteen? Fifteen dollars for that," Maya was stunned, they had only used tests that Carina had taken from work or the clinic. She reluctantly pulled out her card and plugged it in, punching in her pin a little more aggressively than necessary. As soon as it was done she snatched the box back and exited the store. The near teenager bad put her on edge... pissed her off. So she stopped just before the van and looked down at the test box, the hope she thought she had had deserted her. She just knew that it wasn't going to be positive. There was no way. She'd seen the two negative tests. She'd heard Carina say she was bleeding, that her period had arrived only that morning. She'd grieved yet another baby to be gone to the sky. It wasn't possible. There was no hope.
But the woman she loves was convinced. Her wife who had been walking around in hopelessness, who had taken a day off work to grieve the baby that wouldn't be had suddenly jumped feet first into hope. Hope and surety that she was right.
Maya took a couple of deep breaths before opening the van door and holding out her hand.
"What." So evidently Maya's short trip to the shop had not invited her to loose her annoyance at Maya not believing her.
"Did you hold in your pee?" Maya showed her the battered box, "good thing is they're in date."
Carina scowled at her and then took her hand. Maya guided them to the bathroom block and pulled them into a tight stall. She passed Carina the box as she read the instructions speaking bits aloud, as she comprehended what it said, "morning pee... yeah yeah... oh we need a cup," she kissed Carina's forehead and disappeared back to the van, she procured a plastic cup that had had tomatoes on it (they had been dumped out onto the table) and washed it up before rushing back.
"You can look if you want," Carina told her, as she began to pee, "Maya."
"Sorry," Maya turned around, "for everything."
"I've been snappy." The realness and the fear of the situation had melted any frostiness.
"This isn't the nicest place to do one of these," Maya mumbled, taking the pee cup so Carina could finish up. She passed it back to Carina who put it on the closed toilet and slotted herself in front of maya to read the instructions too.
"Just dip for 10 seconds, then leave to dry for a minimum of 3 minutes though 5-10 is recommended."
"We can look at 3 and see and then if it needs longer we can."
"Okay," Maya leaned around her and dipped it, counting out loud in Italian to ten.
"Here," Carina laid a piece of tissue down for the little strip test. They were like the ones they had used before, except this packet only came with one. Maya placed it down and then covered it loosely with another piece of tissue before wrapping Carina up.
"I'm sorry for earlier, I was just trying to manage mine and your expectations. I didn't mean to just dismiss you."
"You didn't," Carina had her head on Maya's shoulders, face turned into Maya's neck.
"I didn't?"
"No. Thank you for cooking."
"We did it together, me and Carina from five days ago."
"Ah well thank you Carina from five days ago and my Maya."
"If it isn't," Maya said, lips pressed into her crown, "don't-" she wasn't sure what she wanted to day, "it doesn't change anything other than you have a poorly tummy. I will still love you. We will still have a baby. We will still try again. This isn't it, okay? Just a bump in our very steep convoluted road," Maya was aware she was starting to ramble but the way Carina's eyelashes had fluttered on her cheek neck and the way she had relaxed just a little informed Maya that it was at least helping a little.
"Its been three minutes," Maya said, glancing at her watch.
"I, can you look at it?"
"You don't want to go together?"
"I can't."
"Okay," there was one more kiss to the corner or Carina's forehead before she unwrapped one arm from around Carina and leaned over the toilet with the pee cup to grab the test.
"Whatever happens." She reiterated, as she lifted the test into the dingy light above Carina's head. "It was a false negative," she said stunned, "there's two lines. It's really obvious. Look babe," she pulled Carina back, "look."
"I'm I-I- I'm. There's. We're."
"You're pregnant," her hand fluttered straight down to her stomach, which wasn't bloat, it was baby, "you're, we're, having a baby. Two lines."
"I can't- Maya."
Maya cracked a grin, looking at her, hope fully restored. Carina focused on the test and burst into tears... her first positive pregnancy test...
Hope. Sperare. Pure, unadulterated, inconceivable, joyous, promising, optimistic hope.