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Ben looks up from his desk and grins as Leslie Knope walks into his office.
“Hey, what’s up?” he greets while putting down his pen.
“Hey, not much.” She pushes some hair behind her hear and casually rests her hip against his desk, like she’s done a thousand times before. “How are you doing?”
Ben smirks and leans back in his chair, linking his hands behind his head.
“What do you want, Leslie?”
Leslie does her best to look affronted. “What do you mean ‘what do I want’? Can’t a girl stop by and visit her friend at his desk every once in a while?”
“Yes, she can. But she needs to remember that this friend knows her far too well and can tell when she’s stopping by to ask for a favor.”
She huffs and crosses her arms. “You are way too suspicious of people’s motives. I’ve been telling you that for years.”
“Uh huh,” he nods, unconvinced. “You certainly have, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m right. So, what is it? I already told you that I can’t approve that ‘state of the art’ sprinkler system you’ve been begging for.”
“Hey, you have to admit that it’s like the Mercedes-Benz of sprinklers.”
“So I’ve been told, but the answer is still no. Right now we can afford to settle for the Ford of sprinklers.”
Leslie frowns but unfolds her arms and let’s them fall at her side “That sucks, but that’s not why I’m here, actually. I needed to ask you a favor. A personal one.”
Ben unlaces his fingers and leans forward on his desk. “Okay, what do you need?”
“I was hoping you would be able to come over tonight and help me get ready for a date.”
His eyes widen, and he opens and closes his mouth several times before answering. “Date? I don’t know, Leslie. That kinda seems like Ann territory to me.”
“I know and normally I would ask her but she’s pulling a shift at the hospital tonight and she’s still in trouble from the last time I went there while she was working.”
Ben shifts again uncomfortably, not sure what to say.
“Look,” Leslie continues, “I know this is kind of last minute and not something we usually do, but you’re my best guy-friend, and it’s your duty to fill in when my best girl friend isn’t available?”
He can’t help but smile despite the churning in his stomach. “Is that so?”
“Totally. It’s in my friendship handbook. And remember that blind date Chris set you up on? I helped you get ready for that. You owe me.”
“You mean the time Chris set me up without asking first and you barged into my house and raided my closet because you didn’t trust me to not wear plaid on a first date?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“That date was a disaster.”
“Yes, but you looked great.”
Ben sighs and rolls his eyes, trying to suppress a blush that seems to come out of nowhere.
“Please,” she begs. “You know how bad I am at first dates. Just come over and help me pick out a decent outfit and maybe calm me down so I don’t freak out, get drunk, and just show up at his house and make a fool of myself.”
This is the last thing Ben wants to do, it really is, but he never could turn Leslie Knope down.
“Fine,” he relents. “Fine, I’ll help you.”
Before he can get another word out, Leslie smiles and rushes over to envelop him in a hug.
“Thank you so much!” she says as she pulls away and makes her way to his door. “Be at my place around six, okay?” she throws over her shoulder.
And just like that, she’s gone.
~~~~~
Ben takes his time walking up to Leslie’s front door, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He takes a deep breath before knocking and then stares at the ground by his feet.
He tries to muster a smile when Leslie opens the door and greets him, but it feels more like a grimace. She’s far too excited to notice, and it’s like another punch to the gut.
“Hey! Come on in,” she says turning away and allowing Ben to enter. “Thanks again for coming.”
“Uh, yeah, no problem,” he answers as he closes the door behind him, needing no invitation to follow her up the stairs.
She had changed out of her work clothes and is now dressed in an old t-shirt and pair of shorts. Her comfy clothes, as she likes to call them. And God help him, he found her irresistible in those, too.
He walks into her bedroom and sits down on the edge of the bed as she rummages around in her closet.
“Okay,” she starts, her voice slightly muffled, “I was thinking that I’d pull out some outfits and get your first opinions on them, then we narrow those down to a few that I’ll try on. Then we can work our way from there.”
Ben can hardly bear to look at her, instead choosing to play with the loose threads on her comforter.
“Uhm, yeah,” he chokes out. “Yeah, I guess that works. I’ve never really done this before, so…”
She turns and raises her eyebrows. “What, you’ve never helped an old girlfriend choose an outfit?”
“Well, yeah,” he shrugs. “But not to go out on a date and impress someone else.”
Leslie just laughs and waves him off. “Don’t worry about it. You’re mainly here for moral support. And it can’t hurt to get a man’s opinion.”
He grunts something akin to an answer.
“So, here I am giving up some serious one-on-one time with my couch and you haven’t even told me who you’re going out with,” he says as lightly as possible.
She walks towards him with a handful of various skirts and blouses. “Oh, right, sorry. It’s Dave. Dave Sanderson.”
Ben’s hand freezes on the comforter and his head snaps in her direction.
“Dave? You mean th-the cop?”
It’s obvious that Leslie finds his distress amusing. “Yes, the cop,” she smiles.
“B-but I thought you turned him down. That’s what you told me. He asked you out after the pageant and you turned him down.”
She shrugs and starts laying out the clothes on the bed. “Yeah, but I don’t know. He seems really nice so I thought about it and decided to go for it. But I’m totally freaking out right now because first dates are awful and I’m afraid I’m going to do or say something stupid.”
Ben continues to gape and Leslie gives him a confused look.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just- I don’t know if it’s such a good idea for you to go out with him, that’s all.”
She frowns but soon recognition dawns on her face. “Oh, it’s because he’s a cop, right? Look, Ben, I know you have this weird…thing about police officers, but he’s a really nice guy.”
“Right,” he scoffs. “The ‘nice guy’ that arrested Tom. Sounds like a catch.” He can’t hide the tone of bitterness and resentment in his voice, and Leslie notices.
“What’s your deal,” she says, tossing the rest of the clothes onto her bed and resting her hands on her hips. “You don’t even know him and you’re sitting there talking about him as if he was the worst person on earth. Yeah, he has this weird, tough exterior, but he’s very caring and sweet. Plus, he’s not shallow and interested in people just for their looks. He brushed right past Trish without so much as a second glance!”
Ben stands up and starts pacing. “So this random guy, a cop, who ‘seems nice’ asks you out, and because he doesn’t ogle some beauty queen that means he’s worth a date?” He runs a hand through his hair. “I mean, I know you’ve dated some real losers in the past, but is that all it takes now? Basic human decency?”
Leslie gapes at him, and her eyes look like they are about to water, whether due to hurt feelings or fury, he isn’t sure. Either are terrible options.
“I-I don’t even know what to say. Wait, yes I do–How dare you!” she yells back at him. She takes a step forward and jabs a finger into his chest. “I can’t believe you just said that to me! Yes, you’re one of my closest friends, but you have no right to talk about Dave or me that way. I am a grown woman and I can date anyone that I choose, for whatever reasons I choose. Now, if you had some valid concerns as to why I shouldn’t go out with him, I just might have listened, but if all you have is this weird aversion to cops, then that’s not good enough.”
“It’s not just that. I just don’t think you should go out with him.”
“Why?!”
“Because…just because.”
Leslie stomps her foot. “Because why? God dammit, Ben, I swear, I am about two seconds away from just-”
“Because I love you, okay!” He practically screams. His brain keeps telling him to stop, to just shut up, apologize and run away, but his mouth doesn’t get the memo. Everything that has been building up inside of him is pushing itself free in what will undoubtedly be the biggest word vomit of his entire life.
“I love you,” he repeats. “I have for far too long and it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve told myself to just let it go, to just move on. I can’t and it’s killing me. I’ve hated watching you date guy after guy and have them treat you like garbage, and you just keep dating these losers. And today you ask me to come help you try to impress another man!
“The way I see it, one of two things will happen. Either he turns out to be a jerk and he breaks your heart and I have to be there to pick up the pieces with you again, or he’s the man of your dreams and he takes you away from me. I’ll have to go to your wedding surrounded by cops and watch the woman I love marry someone else because I was too chickenshit to just say something.”
Ben stops his rant and waits for some kind of response from Leslie. She’s eerily quiet as the enormity of his confession sinks in. He doesn’t necessarily expect her to come running into his arms, but what happens next he didn’t see coming a mile away.
He is taken aback by the force of her slap across his cheek. His hand immediately goes to cradle his stinging face, and he looks at Leslie incredulously.
He’s never seen her look so mad, so furious, in his entire life.
“Get out,” she says in a low growl.
“Leslie, wait-”
“No!” she yells louder. “I don’t care what you have to say. You think that you can just waltz in here and talk to me- talk about me- that way and have it be okay because you say that you love me? No, no way.”
His entire body is shaking and his heart is pounding wildly. He can’t leave her like this.
“Please, I’m sorry. I-”
“Get the hell out!”
And that’s his undoing, the tears that are now pooling in her eyes and streaming down her face. The mixture of fury and deep, intense hurt that he’s responsible for. If it were anyone else, he’d kill the person that made her feel this way, but it was all because of him.
Without another word, he turns and walks out.
~~~~~
He’s sitting on his couch nursing his 4th beer when the knock comes. It takes a moment for him to even register the sound, but once he does, he panics. Only one person would be knocking on his door right now.
He had spent most of the evening wallowing in self-hatred. This is why he didn’t normally talk about or express his feelings. It will always end badly.
Ben rubs his red-rimmed eyes when he hears another, more forceful knock. She won’t leave until he answers, so with a resigned sigh, he figures they might as well get this over with.
He hopes she’s going to let him down easy. Maybe a few minutes of well-deserved insults thrown his way before she says they can’t return his feelings and his deplorable behavior caused the fall of their friendship.
He opens the door just as she’s poised to knock for the third time. She’s startled and takes a quick half-step back.
Ben’s heart clenches when he sees her. She looks gorgeous, her outfit stunning yet casual, and her hair is perfectly curled. Dave certainly is a lucky man.
The pair stare at one another for a few moments before Ben clears his throat. “Uhm, hi.”
“Hi.” For the first time in their years of friendship, he can’t tell what she’s thinking. Her face is guarded, a perfect mask of neutrality, and it scares him even more.
“Can I come in?” she asks after Ben continues to stare at her in stunned silence.
He blinks. “What? Oh, yeah, uh, come in.”
She follows him into the living room, side-eyeing the empty beer bottles that litter his coffee table. For a second, it feels almost normal, the two of them seated side by side on his couch, but the tension in the air quickly brings Ben back to reality.
“Y-you look very nice,” he says, avoiding her eyes.
She looks shocked and glances down at herself, unconsciously smoothing a hand over her skirt.
“Oh, thank you.”
Ben tries to manage a smile. “See, you didn’t need my help at all.”
Leslie sighs. “Ben…”
He cuts her off. “Look, I’m sorry, okay. I-I don’t know what else to say. I fucked up. I mean, I really fucked up. I know that. I had no right to behave that way or say what I said.
“Did you mean what you said?”
His hands begin to sweat. “Which part?”
“All of it? Any of it? Is that what you really think of me?”
He winces and shakes his head in shame. “God, no. You-” he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Leslie, you’re one of my best friends, and truthfully, the greatest person that I have ever known. Have you gone out with some questionable guys in the past? Yeah, we both know that, but it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you or you’re desperate. They just…they didn’t know what they had and treated you like crap.
“And yeah, it hurt me when you dated other people, but it hurt more having to see you get hurt.” He reaches out and tentatively grasps her hand, relieved when she doesn’t pull away. “And I do love you. I know it might have sounded like I was just jealous and blurted it out, but it’s true. I definitely regret how I said it, but that doesn’t change how I feel.
“I know you don’t owe me anything. You were right before. You can date whomever you want for whatever reasons you want. I just let my jealousy get the best of me and it all just kind of…came out. But I had no right to say any of those things, about you or about Dave. If he, or anyone else, makes you happy, that’s all I want for you. I just hope you can forgive me and we can move past this. I just-I need you in my life. In any way that you’ll have me.”
Ben takes a deep breath after his confession and continues to stare at the ground, at their hands, at anything except Leslie. She doesn’t speak at first, but her grip on his hand tightens.
Leslie sniffles and clears her throat. “Why? Why now?”
“Because I’m selfish. I’ve wanted to tell you for ages, but what was I gonna say, Leslie?” he answers with a self deprecating laugh. “How was I supposed to tell my best friend, who also happens to be my subordinate, that I was in love with her? Beyond the fact that we could both get in serious trouble at work if anything ever did happen between us, I was scared. If you didn’t feel the same way, I was afraid our relationship would change. That you’d walk on eggshells around me or it would ruin our friendship. And I guess I didn’t want to risk the rejection, especially if it was from you.
“But something snapped today. All I could think about was myself and how this was hurting me, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wish more than anything that I could take back everything that I said, but I can’t. All I can do is beg and plead for your forgiveness. You more than anyone deserve to find someone that makes you happy, and I honestly hope you were at least able to enjoy your date after all of the shit I put you through.”
It’s Leslie’s turn to sigh, and she slowly pulls her hand away. “I, uh, I didn’t end up going.”
Ben thought he’d be happy about this. That was his goal after all, but all he feels is crushing guilt deep within his chest.
“Shit,” he mutters more to himself. “Leslie, I’m so sorry. Really. I’m sure he’d understand if you called him and-”
“Would you just shut up,” she interrupts, and he recoils. “Just shut up and let me talk now.”
He nods mutely, far too scared to contradict her.
“I didn’t go,” she says. “I had every intention of going, got ready and everything. At that point I was going almost to spite you, when I realized that, I knew I shouldn’t go through with it. That wouldn’t be fair to Dave.”
Ben nods and turns his head as the shame and guilt continue to grow.
Leslie clenches her fist and hits it against her thigh. “God, I was so furious at you. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it, so I thought that this at least would take my mind off of everything. But I just couldn’t go through with it, and that made me hate you even more.
“So instead I threw myself onto my couch and cried because how dare you. How dare you ruin this night for me. I finally find a decent guy who’s genuinely interested in me, and you have to ruin it.”
She chokes back a sob and Ben wishes he could fall off of the face of the earth. Each tear that makes it’s way down her face is a knife piercing his heart, and he’s powerless to do anything to help her.
“How dare you,” she repeats, this time it’s a tortured whisper as she swipes angrily at her face. “How dare you tell me that you love me.”
If Ben had anymore tears left to shed, now would be the time, but instead he’s just numb.
“I understand,” he says in a broken monotone.
“Damn it, Ben,” she yells, “no you don’t. You have no idea. You’ve ruined everything. It was so easy before. You know better than anyone that nothing can happen as long as you’re still my boss.” She rests her elbows on her knees and buries her head in her hands. “It was so easy ignoring my feelings thinking that you didn’t feel the same way.”
Ben holds a breath, and he swears his heart stops beating.
“What?”
He says it so low, he’s not sure she even heard it, but he can’t physically speak any louder at this point.
“Don’t you get it? We could both be fired if we let anything happen between us, so it didn’t matter what I felt. It didn’t matter-” She stops and muffles another sniffle. “It didn’t matter how much I loved you because we can’t be together. The only way I could ignore my feelings was to believe that you didn’t feel the same way. And I honestly didn’t think that you loved me as anything more than a friend, so it worked. It hurt, but it worked. And now…”
Ben can see her shoulders shaking as she cries into her hands, and he can’t help himself anymore. He doesn’t care if she hates him for what he’s done, if she never wants to see him again after this, but he can’t stand to watch her suffer. He slides closer and pulls her into a hug, one that she folds into immediately.
“I love you so much,” she says into his neck as he squeezes her to him even more.
He rocks her gently in his arms as she calms herself, pressing a few soft kisses into her hair. “Leslie, I’m sorry for a lot of things that happened today, but I could never be sorry for how I feel about you. How we feel about each other.”
She lifts her head from his shoulder and shakes her head sadly. “Ben, we both love our jobs. It’s not worth the risk if someone finds out.”
“How can you say that? After everything we’ve been through together?” He cups her cheek and turns her face towards his. “Leslie, we love each other. In some ways, we’re closer than most married couples. What we have, it’s…I don’t even know what it is. We’ll sneak around if we have to. I’ll see if there’s any loophole to make it so that I’m not involved with Parks and Rec and there’s no conflict of interest. Now that I know how you feel, I can’t just back away.”
Her lower lip is trembling and she frowns like she’s in pain. “Why do you think I reacted the way that I did? You had to come and complicate everything and I can’t ignore it.”
He doesn’t hold himself back anymore, and before even he knows it, Ben’s lips are pressed solidly against hers. She freezes, her hands bracing themselves against his chest. He thinks she’s about to push him away when her fingers curl around the fabric of his shirt. Her lips respond, her mouth opening up eagerly under his gently prodding.
She can’t have any doubts after this. Not once she realizes how perfectly they fit together, how their lips and tongues slide against one another so effortlessly it’s like they were made for one another.
He would rather quit than let their jobs come between them.
The screaming of his lungs for oxygen pulls him away, but only far enough to rest his forehead against hers.
“Don’t ignore this. Please. Don’t even try. You know neither of us could live with ourselves if we didn’t at least see if this could work.”
She looks deeply into his eyes like she’s searching for something, searching for any indication of doubt in his words. He’s almost offended, but he knows she needs this. She needs to know that putting her job on the line is worth it, that they’re worth it.
When she finally sees it, sees in his eyes how much she means to him, a look of wonder and amazement overtakes her face.
“You really love me.”
“More than anything.”
Her eyes scan is face again, landing on his cheek. The last time she touched him there, it was in anger and fear, but as she gently strokes his face with the back of her hand, he sees the same love that she must have seen in him.
“I’m sorry I slapped you.”
“Don’t be,” he shrugs. “I deserved it.”
Leslie’s hand drops and she suppresses a smile. “Yeah, you kinda did. You’re terrible when you’re jealous.”
“It’s something I have to work on.”
“If it makes you feel better, I fantasize about pulling Shauna’s hair out every time she tries to flirt with you.”
Ben laughs, a full, hearty belly laugh that takes an enormous weight off of his shoulders.
“It does a little bit, yeah.”
She cocks her head to the side and her eyes move to his still smiling lips. He barely has time to lick them before she initiates their second kiss.
“Yes,” she breathes once she pulls away.
“Yes?”
“Yes. Let’s do this. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what happens. We’ll figure that all out later. I just want to be with you.”
When he claims her mouth for the third time, he doesn’t think about anything except her. He doesn’t think about Chris’ stupid rule and that they could be fired if anyone knew what they were doing right now. He doesn’t think about Dave who will never get his shot at a first date with Leslie. He doesn’t think about how they are going to hide this from their friends and coworkers.
All that matter is that she loves him, and that alone is worth every risk.