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It’s not that Kanghan wants a tutor. First of all, studying is boring. Usually. Or always. Mostly. And anyway, second of all-
There’s a certain poetic nastiness to how things have worked out, Kanghan thinks as he stares blankly at his Chemistry book. He’s not even completely certain anyone even cares if he fixes his failed Chemistry grade, so realistically he could just… let it go, or whatever. Blue dress, frost swirling magically around, all that shit. Whatever.
He’s ignored it for a good two weeks now, since he found out he’d failed and Sailom had stopped tutoring him. Admittedly he’s been… distracted. The lack of tutoring was distracting. All that free time to fuck around. A small and very honest part of himself wishes that the sudden influx of free time has been boring somehow, but free time is rarely boring. He has like twelve VR games he hasn’t even opened yet, he can’t get bored. It feels a bit like a betrayal, though, that he’s just gone back to fucking around, and he really doesn’t want to examine that too much, but-
All he knows is he saw the Chemistry book poking out from under his bed today and then he tried to turn on his VR and all he could think about was how Sailom hadn’t been as scared as he’d anticipated, when Kanghan had made him play Narcosis. (He kept laughing, which is ridiculous because there’s nothing scarier than the ocean. Unless Sailom’s life is scarier than the ocean-)
-and now he’s trying to study by himself.
It’s harder alone, is what he’s realized. No, well - no, he already knew that. It’s harder and it’s more boring and the VR breaks just sort of feel like he’s letting some nebulous entity down instead of like doing something wrong in a fun way, as they had when he was with Sailom. He started playing a game on his phone and no one had snatched it and dangled it over his head, even though Sailom is shorter than him anyway so Kanghan could have got it back, if he’d wanted. Not that he didn’t want to. But he just.
It’s so stupid that he’s doing this without Sailom.
He thinks about walking in on Sailom again, getting attacked by adult men, hot iron inching closer to his skin, gun tight in Kanghan’s palm. Once, a few days ago, he’d had this insane urge to just shove a bunch of money into Sailom’s bag when he wasn’t looking, but there wasn’t a good opportunity. Sailom would have known it was him probably, anyway. All of Sailom’s other friends are poor.
The whole point of Kanghan getting tutoring was so that Sailom could pay his brother’s debts anyway, right? It’s not like he can’t admit it to himself, or even like he wouldn’t say it to Sailom if he didn’t think it would make Sailom quit on the spot. It’s so stupid that he’d felt like he was betraying Sailom for enjoying his new free time, but that he also feels like he’s betraying Sailom by studying without him. Without paying him. Whatever.
It’s not like he was doing it all for Sailom. Or like-
There was a moment there where he could have done it for his Dad. That didn’t really work out though. It wasn’t really… Well. Whatever. His Grandmother had wanted him to pass everything, hadn’t she? She hasn’t seemed to do much about getting a Sailom-replacement for him, thankfully, but… It’s not like Kanghan doesn’t want to make her proud of him. It’s just that, without Sailom… Well. If he did retake his Chemistry test and pass, would it really make her love him more? She already loves him a lot, honestly - like, he’s pretty set there, actually.
He’s still not sure what expectations Sailom had for him, when they were hanging out. Studying. Kanghan had spent some time considering it when they’d been together. Like sometimes Sailom would look at him and maybe there was something in his eyes like… Like Kanghan could really let him down. Maybe. He never said it though - he wasn’t even mad that Kanghan had failed Chemistry. He was just impressed by how many other subjects he’d passed.
Kanghan shoves the chemistry book off of his lap and tips his head back onto the back of the couch. This is stupid. And frustrating. He’d tried so fucking hard-
It’s stupid.
That dumb Let It Go song is still stuck in his head, swirling around like the snow where the chemical equations he’s been trying to memorize should be instead. He hums it to himself, because there’s no one around to judge him for it. It would make Sailom laugh in a really annoying way. But Sailom isn’t here and if the thought of that makes Kanghan’s heart thump in this sickly way that gets stuck in his throat every time then whatever. Whatever. It’s not like Kanghan can really do anything about it. Or like he should. Sailom was there to tutor him. Sailom can’t get him to pass Chemistry. Sailom gets replaced. It’s normal, Sailom said. He wasn’t even surprised, or sad. It’s normal. It’s fine.
And Kanghan just has to live with it.
His phone pings and he grabs at it, the stupid Disney song replaced with a little chant of Sailom Sailom Sailom that immediately makes him feel foolish when he realizes it’s just Max asking about football.
He sighs, because everything feels frustrating and confusing and it’s all accompanied by this horrible clarity that he’s just not used to. There are all these simple solutions to his problems, but none of them are actually that simple at all - it’s like everything is floating just beyond his fingertips, snow in the air that he can’t quite reach.
It’s stupid.
He sits up properly and folds the Chemistry book closed, then stares at the back cover for way too long. Is chemistry the part of science that can make time machines? Sailom would probably know, he realizes in dismay. He could text Sailom right now and ask, if they still had their tutor thing going, but they don’t and so he can’t.
He shoves the Chemistry book back under his bed. No one will care, anyway, if he just leaves the grade as an F.
The VR game he spends the next three hours playing is fun, and if he goes to sleep with a pit at the bottom of his stomach over that then… Well. At least he knows that the alternative is simply not any better.