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something changed when their eyes met, something changed and it was different, he saw the violence in his eyes dying,losing an internal ancient war that had been going on for centuries now.

something changed when their eyes met, something was different and it was brighter and shy,

and quiet,

and scared.

something changed, he saw him smiling for the first time and his blue eyes weren’t trying to scream, to threat him, to remind him he wasn’t scared of blood, to remind him his hands were violent, his touch hurt and left an eternal scar.

his blue eyes were announcing the end of a dark era,were softening its edges, were becoming a calmer, quiet ocean, a brighter sky.

something changed,

it was slow and shy

and still scared

but he saw it,

something changed.

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quiet,

he needed to be quiet.

no blushing, no giggling, no looking at him for too long, not smiling too fondly, too softly.

quiet, he needed to be quiet.

and lie, he needed to lie.

and pretend,

pretend he didn't daydream about him, pretend he didn't think about holding his hand, pretend he didn't want to kiss him, pretend he didn't die to see him again.

quiet,

he needed to be quiet so he could stay, here, here where everything needs to be quiet to survive.

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summer nights

watched them stealing moments that weren't theirs,

watched them trying to be an us so badly, so secretly,

so cursed.

summer nights

watched him looking at him,

summer nights knew they weren't friends,

knew he was lying,

knew they hid a truth,

knew about the feeling of freedom that he only felt with him.

but then,

the world ended

when someone found out,

he saw the violence,

the fear somewhere in his blue eyes

darkening them, 

like a bad omen,

like a bad feeling,

like anxiety sticking to a chest and killing the air.

he ran,

he ran away from him.

and summer ended,

and nights didn't have secret lovers,

and secret lovers found out they were cursed.

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he was too obvious

and he couldn't control it

and he was there and he had to look at him,

and he had to be close, closer.

he was too obvious

he had to control it, but he was there and secrets seem like a safe place, secrets seem quiet and silent, and only for them

until foreign eyes saw them.

and then,

then it felt horrifying,

then it felt like a sin,

then it felt like the reason why every secret lover dies

then it felt,

then he felt the fear,

the familiar fear.

and he ran,

to save him,

not himself,

him

save him from the horror,

from the sin,

from the death

from the fear,

the familiar fear. 

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kiss him just to remind him

he lives in a lie,

kiss him to let him know

you're the one.

and kiss him

and try to fix it,

and change the ending

and maybe run,

run away together

and change your names,

and your reputation,

and erase secrets

and kill the lies.

kiss him

maybe true love

can save you this time.

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forced to marry a woman, pretend he loves her, pretend he doesn't belong to someone else.

he's marrying the fear, the cursed fate that seems inevitable, his father's silence, his father's truce

and he can't look at him, so he kissed him and pretended they could run away, pretended he didn't live in the highest tower in the kingdom guarded by a dragon, pretended happy endings were for him too.

but now he's marrying a goodbye,he's marrying an i hope we meet in another life.

and maybe that's why he didn't ask him to stay he watched him leave and he cried and waited for their next life.

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too much thoughts,

too much,

is he too much?

too much thoughts,

too old men,

too many lights,

too bright,

too fake,

too dangerous.

and then him

or suddenly him

like prince charming that comes to save you.

and the lie that continues,

but then,

then they kiss and everyone's watching

but they're kissing,

and the fear is bleeding

but they're kissing and it's important,

and epic,

and it's surviving,

it's the happy ending

and the lie ending,

and him saying he's the one

and then a bad feeling. 

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born sick and proud

so he says it,

out loud, here 

where his father can listen,

here, where he can see

he's gonna fight,

fight for him,

fight and love him with bruises in his skin 

and the flashbacks of a cruel war,

fight and win.

born sick and proud,

so he says it,

out loud,

his father hands on his neck,

his words are blood,

he can't see, he can't hear.

the familiar fear,

the cold air of winter,

the snow in his skin,

his body against a car,

his father yelling and him yelling back,

fighting back.

an unknown peace,

soft green eyes that will never leave him,

a shared laugh in celebration of a win,

a sudden sadness,

a kiss,

the possibility of a happy ending

and then,

a bad feeling. 

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is he too much?

he's too much, right?

his heart is racing, it's trying to break his ribs

or run away, run away from him, from here.

is he too much?

he's too much, right?

he's too aware of his own skin,

of his own thoughts,

thoughts that are loud and don't let him think,

think clearly,

think better,

think.

is he too much?

he's too much, right?

and reality is confusing

and now monsters exist,

and he saw somewhere that he's gonna be happy

so he has to run away to that place he saw,

he doesn't know where it is but he will find it.

is he too much?

he's too much, right?

and pills that silence his thoughts,

and suddenly he can't feel his skin,

his heart beating, racing

it's not there and he's sure it used to be in his chest.

is he too much?

he's too much, right?

so he has to let him go,

let him go before he notices too,

before he sees he's too much.

he saw him leave,

someone told him he probably was trying to fix him

and he claimed he wasn't broken

so he saw him leave.

someone told him the world was against him

so he fought the world

and saw him leave.

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and then a bad feeling.

and he didn't recognize him,

and something broke and the echo still haunts him

he looked at him

and waited for the softness that never came,

waited for the love he used to see and think it was green

and now, now there's guilt,

there's shame and a question,

a deafening question.

so he tried to drink it away,

and it didn't work

he was there,

so he tried the touch of other bodies

and it didn't work.

and tried to him

and tried to forget

and tried to ignore

because it wasn't him,

because no one would ever be him

even if he leaves this empty space forever

no one could ever fit there.

he was late and he apologized for it

one night when he came back to him,

the guilt and shame were still, there,

in his eyes but he could see it,

he could see the softness finding his way back,

he could see the brightness he remembered shining quietly.

he kissed his forehead

he laid beside him and silently

swore that not even fate would

break them apart,

not even a bad omen,

not even a bad feeling,

not even their cursed,

star-crossed lovers nature.

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he had a plan,

he was going to hate him and 

it will make this pain go away.

he was going to hate him

until hate was part of his broken bones,

until hate fixed his broken heart and made it a beating thing again,

until hate poisoned him and there was finally

something that wasn't him under his skin

and there, 

everywhere.

he was going to hate him,

he was going to think about him

and hate him,

and feel the urge to yell at him,

to punch him,

to hurt him,

to stop him from actually leaving,

to stop himself from asking him to leave.

he was going to hate him

because loving him was 

eternal, was waiting,

was hoping,

was faith,

and he couldn't wait that eternity,

hope for the best

or have faith in a happy ending.

he was going to hate him

because nothing survives here,

here,

next to him. 

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he would always be his,

he could never be anything else.

but what if he wasn't his anymore,

what if oblivion kills his memory,

what if he's happier without him,

what if the his world continues while his world

has stopped, while he's here,

collecting dust,

keeping faith and hope warm,

daydreaming about another life where everything goes well,

waiting,

waiting,

waiting,

waiting

so quietly, so still so he can find him,

maybe if he doesn't move too much

he's gonna find him.

he will always be his

he could never be anything else

so he waits,

so he collects dust,

so he keeps quiet

so he waits,

waits for him.

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blue eyes,

the ocean

and he jumps,

doesn't fight against the tide.

blue eyes,

the place that saw them fall in love,

a secret love confession,

and running away.

blue eyes,

the thrill reminding his heart it can beat,

a loud unspoken "i missed you",

old lovers that know too much about wasted time.

blue eyes,

the ocean,

he jumped and didn't fight against the tide,

the tide that would guide him home.

blue eyes,

being finally home,

waiting and see that it was worth it

and a kiss, kiss him so he can know missing him felt like an eternal emptiness that used to laugh at his desperation,

like a dense melancholy that grew roots around his ribs and had started to kill the butterflies in his stomach

and maybe that's why the silence, the quietness deafened him when other lips kissed him.

blue eyes,

a familiar sadness,

the roots threatening to break his ribs,

the ocean being violent again,

old lovers that know too much about wasted time wasting time,

again.

blue eyes,

a last kiss and the curse of spending the rest of their lives

trying to forget,

leaving home

feeling lost.

blue eyes,

a last thought

"find me again,

again, later,

find me,

again,

again,

tomorrow"

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he did it for love,

he escaped,

he ran, he found him

for love.

he kissed him,

he hugged him,

he slept next to him

for the memories.

he asked him,

he begged to run away with him

for the hope.

he kissed him one last time,

he let him watch him leave

for love,

for the memories,

for the hope of finding him again,

later,

tomorrow. 

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he doesn't recognize himself,

he can't feel anymore the roots that connected him 

to everything he used to be

he doesn't know what he used to be,

he doesn't know who he is.

but he's there,

always,

in the back of his mind. 

his face still familiar

but he doesn't know him,

some people call him "friend"
and he's not sure if he knows them either. 

but he's there,

always,

in the back of his mind.

and they cheer,

and there's a big final applause

and he's changing the world

but he doesn't know who he is,

he doesn't recognize himself

so maybe isn't him

they're cheering for someone else.

but he's there,

always,

in the back of his mind.

and he misses him,

he misses himself,

there's always something missing

and people cheering,

and a man he doesn't know in the mirror

and no purpose

and he's there,

always,

in the back of his mind.

and then the big mistake

and the applause that lied to him,

and said it was the greatest thing.

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he hated it,

he hated the sea without him

this wasn't the plan,

he was supposed to be here,

he was supposed to turn his head

and see, see him

next to him right where belonged.

he hated it,

he hated the beach without him

there are no smiles,

there are no laughs,

there are no sunburned shoulders

there's no sand that would make him frown and hate the place

and there's no shaking head and accusing him of being dramatic.

he hated it,

he hated freedom without him

it didn't make sense,

it felt wrong

he was his hope of running away,

he was his faith in a happy ending,

he was his bravery,

his reason why,

he was his freedom first.

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it hit him who he was,

who used to be

when he saw him.

he was a teenager that fell in love

with a tormented ocean that looked at him

with a softness he couldn't control,

he wasn't used to that. 

he was a boy

and something stole his boyhood

but the tormented ocean cradle him,

the tide swore to protect him

and the waves told him everything would be fine.

he was a man

that lost himself

for a second,

for a minute

but the tormented ocean found him.

he's here,

and he's smiling

and this must be the fate that used to be cursed

this must be fate

deciding it was time to go home.

the cursed young lovers

defeated his doomed destiny.

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he gave up his freedom

because that wasn't being free,

green eyes and freckles were his freedom

here,

where everything doesn't need to be quiet anymore to survive.

he gave up his freedom

and did it loudly,

and brightly

like a grand gesture,

like prince charming and his white loyal horse rescuing his lover.

he gave up his freedom

because that wasn't being free

four walls,

green eyes and freckles were his freedom

here,

where he loves shameless,

here,

where he falls more in love proudly,

here,

where monsters doesn't exist

where lovers aren't cursed forever.

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an eternity together

but what if it that's enough time

for him to notice, to notice he's this mess he can't always control

to notice he's too much,

too much weight in someone's shoulders,

too much chaos,

too emotional,

too sensitive.

too much.

an eternity together

and how can be sure if it's him the right person,

this thing he can't recognize sometimes

this thing that cries, and screams

and has this anxiety crushing his ribs

because sometimes his own body despises him.

an eternity together

and marrying him and his sadness

him and his mortal enemy, his mind

him and the fear of watching everyone leave

him and the desperate need to know if it's fine

if it's okay 

if isn't too much 

if he doesn't hate him

not yet.

an eternity together

and blue eyes that look at him like he's someone's home,

his home

like he could give peace, be peace

as if being a mess just meant being a mess together

and love each other like an eternity is too short so they better hurry.

an eternity together

an i do,

a promise

a happy ending.

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romeo and juliet winning at the end,

promising eternal love brightly,

loudly,

proudly.

a fatal curse that didn't keep its word,

lies that didn't survive,

bruises with story,

aching bones and a peace that will heal them,

tattooed knuckles,

smiling at green eyes that look at him

screaming "i've waiting for you my whole life"

the sense of victory,

holding hands,

blue eyes,

green eyes,

they meet,

a promise.

kissing in public,

admitting out loud he's in love,

in love like a romantic that would start a storm if his lover leaves and never move on,

in love like someone that has been waiting for something better,

in love like this is the first time he feels love

and it bloomed in his chest, it's growing flowers in his ribs.

quiet and shy history being made, 

two lovers,

blue eyes,

green eyes,

they meet a lifetime later

for their happy ending.

two lovers that used

to wait,

to wish,

to hope.

and him,

him that used to keep quiet so the monsters wouldn't hurt him,

a bruised skin,

violent fear blinding him,

and then him,

then him happened

and life made sense,

and freedom felt real,

and his father noticed

and him,

his bruised skin,

his violent fear

didn't crumble

they were loud,

and hysterical

and desperate 

and had something to lose

and he chose that,

he chose the rare beautiful thing.

so now

blue eyes,

green eyes

they meet

and then an eternity together 

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leave,

and run away like he didn't do that one time

leave,

and be happy somewhere that didn't see them bleeding,

screaming,

crying,

leaving,

breaking each other's hearts.

leave

and start again,

and new memories,

and no more fears,

and no more curses

and leave,

leave their fatal fate behind,

there,

in the closed closet that tried to keep them apart.

leave,

and run away like he didn't do that one time

and turn his head and see him driving,

driving away.

leave,

and be the loudest,

the messiest new neighbors,

and blind them with their wedding rings

and be known for being too in love

and not for the bruises, the blood,

the great war that happened far away from here.

but leave to be remembered

as the lovers that made delicate beautiful thing survive 

so others can fight,

can know

some things,

here,

survive.

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his fears used to be on the walls

like an invisible paint,

used to creep into his bed,

used to to follow him around the house

but these walls,

these walls with no memories,

this peace that is too quiet,

this pressure,

those eyes wondering who he is

knowing he doesn't belong here 

but then him again,

him that is his home,

that is his peace,

that is his chaos

him that will make any place feel like home

so then

a smile,

a leap of faith

a kiss like it's a toast for the new beginning.

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He was pushing him away,

pushing him away like a bad idea,

like a mistake,

like a stupid thought,

like a bad drug,

like too much hope in a place where it can't bloom.

"This is it?" he heard himself asking

and that was it,

the ending he could feel coming in his bones,

that was it

the sad green in his eyes begging him to not stay,

that was it.

he stood there

in front of someone

who claimed he wasn't broken

and he knew that,

he didn't try that

he wanted to swear to him that he didn't do that

this was his first time caring until it hurt

and for no one's surprise

he wasn't good at it.