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“sometimes, i feel like this is all just one long dream,” chaewon confesses that night, and the comfortable silence that blanketed the room for a few minutes breaks. it has to be a dream, because–the major events of the past few years play in her head at 10x speed–it just does not make sense otherwise.
chaewon hears the girl beside her laugh–chaewon thinks it's a very unique laugh, almost like the girl was gasping for air, but punctuated with energy and amusement.
“i think i kinda understand that feeling.”
she glances at the person with the offending (an arrow straight to the heart) laughter, a small smile on her face as she arranges her own thoughts.
take her current situation, for example. how is chaewon even in this unnie's room–sitting on this unnie's bed, with this unnie's blanket warmly settled over both their legs, with their backs comfortably against the plain white wall–like it's the most natural thing in the world?
“i mean, how are you even here, unnie?” chaewon asks at the end of her short musing, more in wonder rather than doubt.
one giggle and an amused shrug later, chaewon sees the girl beside her lean forward, propping her head with a hand, looking back at chaewon with a grin. “how are you here, chaewon? how are any of us?”
chaewon bites the tongue that almost quips that she has just been wondering about the first question too (even though she's not sure they share the same context), settling with a musing that houses itself further back into her memory palace. “i don't know,” chaewon shrugs. “all i remember is that i entered some room, i don't remember which, and somehow one miyawaki sakura was there, smiling like there was not a few months of… blank between us,” chaewon says in one breath and a half, “and in all her full 163-centimeter glory.”
sakura smacks her in the arm with strength that couldn't hurt a fly and says in fake indignance, “we have the same height!”
chaewon laughs. “and i am thankful for that. at least i'm not the only one who always has to look up.”
if sakura found her reply amusing–or even annoying, whichever the case is–she does not show it. chaewon only sees a glint of wistfulness in sakura's eyes as the older girl lifts her head back up from her palm and looks at the opposite wall. there was nothing there, really, but perhaps it served as some kind of white screen, showing an invisible projection of a memory playing inside her head.
“they even dragged yunjin back too,” sakura finally says after a few seconds. maybe the plain white wall is showing her footage of a shocked yunjin carefully approaching them.
nodding, chaewon adds, “zuha's recruitment is even more surreal. like, what do you mean they went to the netherlands!” she silently wonders if there are other skilled ballerinas sending in audition tapes from all over the world. she guesses that’s entirely possible. maybe one day soon the company will receive an audition tape from someone from… antarctica, perhaps? can people live there permanently?
sakura smiles fondly. “and one talented eunchae was just readily available right when we needed someone.”
‘where else does one find a cute tall bean like eunchae?’ chaewon wagers that's what sakura's thinking. she lets out a soft chuckle at the thought.
and then they both fall into another bout of silence. perhaps they are both remembering two other girls–both of whom they spent time with and shed tears for. perhaps in another universe they are still with them. maybe in another dream, chaewon thinks.
“yeah, maybe this is all a dream. tonight didn't–doesn't feel real,” sakura says softly, and chaewon somehow feels relieved. it's not just her feeling like this.
she turns her head towards the opposite wall as well. chaewon recalls standing inside a sold out stadium, their names being screamed from all directions. she remembers singing and dancing her heart out, hearing the loud chants through her fairly new IEMs.
chaewon smiles. she remembers the speed at which she hands eunchae some tissues during their final speeches.
she spares another glance at sakura; chaewon is a little surprised to see the older girl already looking at her. and then she notices herself reflected in them–in big, warm eyes that seem to hold so much emotion.
and suddenly, as if seeing herself in sakura’s eyes retriggered the play button of her not-so-distant memories: she remembers the hand reaching out to her, making sure she's not standing alone a distance away from the rest of the members while eunchae is baring her feelings out. she remembers huddling towards the owner of the hand, her own arm circling around the other's shoulder, leaning so their heads touch. remembers the warmth of the hand that grasped hers as she did so.
it really had all felt like a dream. it still feels like she's in one.
“thanks for letting me stand beside you on that big stage again, chaewon.”
chaewon sees sakura smile at her, and she feels a light squeeze on her right hand. she is truly on the verge of being convinced that none of this has been real all along; chaewon feels like she's floating, but she is aware of her hand squeezing back, and then, not letting go.
“...i think i should be thanking you instead, unnie,” chaewon manages to respond, her voice barely audible as she tries to hold sakura’s gaze steady.
memories of being frustrated at herself float at the back of her mind. in most of them, sakura was there: through the feeling of cold bottled water being pressed on her cheek, through gentle pats on the back and soft whispers of it's okay, through shoulders touching as they sit on the practice room floor in companionable silence, and–
–and during those rare moments, like now, when sakura's gaze rests squarely on her: through kind eyes that seem to say, ‘i'm here, chaewon. i'm still here with you.’
chaewon starts to open her mouth, feels the determination to acknowledge the comfort sakura's presence brings her bubble up inside her. finds the need to say, i'm still here, too.
but chaewon sees sakura's eyes widen slightly before the older girl promptly turns her head away, just a beat faster than chaewon can follow up on her words. chaewon thinks sakura is being shy again. to be fair, chaewon is starting to feel shy too; she has been feeling a little lightheaded, and she knows she hasn't really drunk much tonight.
“well,” she hears sakura say tentatively. “i'm just glad the feeling is mutual.”
which feeling, chaewon doesn't ask. doesn't let the dream fade away just yet because she herself doesn't know yet which she wants it to be.
but sakura gently takes back her hand from chaewon’s grasp and all at once, chaewon comes crashing back to reality; her right palm feels the cool breeze from the air conditioner, and she clearly hears its low humming in the background. has the aircon always been this loud?
chaewon lets out a breath she didn't know she had been holding and her eyes dart to her now empty hand. sakura seems to have settled on clasping hers together above the blanket covering their laps.
suddenly remembering what sakura just said, chaewon chews on her lip, as if willing the right words to say to come to her.
“i know i don't say it often,” chaewon starts, her left hand brushing through her hair quickly, trying to relieve some of the tension coming from an emotion akin to exasperation. the vague, murky feeling of frustration is mostly towards herself for not being more vocal, but also very slightly towards the other girl for not… getting it. chaewon knows it's unreasonable of her to feel like that, but sakura seems to know everything she's feeling except for this one. “i appreciate you a lot, kkura-unnie.”
sakura turns slightly to face chaewon. "thank you–"
“wait, please. let me finish,” chaewon interrupts, delicately placing a hand on sakura's left elbow even as she sports a slight frown on her face. she sees sakura stop and blink a few times, and chaewon's frown turns into a sheepish smile. “sorry, it's just… i think i need to say these now.”
the hand that she placed on sakura's elbow travels along the older's arm, finally settling on the back of sakura's left hand. chaewon doesn't need to say anything–sakura simply unclasps her hands and puts her left palm up for chaewon to take.
chaewon chuckles softly at sakura’s intuitive action, reclaiming sakura's hand, and this time, intertwines their fingers together. feeling a little bolder, chaewon lets the words fall from her lips, half-teasing, half-confessing, “really, how do you know everything except for how much i am grateful to and for you, kkura-unnie?”
sakura looks away again and huffs, pressing her free hand on her nape. chaewon thinks she's not just imagining the light blush on her unnie's cheeks. “i have no idea what you’re talking about,” sakura murmurs.
“‘our friendship has become one where we can understand each other without having to talk,’ wasn't it? you always seem to know what i need exactly when i need it.”
sakura bites her lip. she doesn't look at chaewon's face, but she clearly heard the smugness and pride in the younger girl's voice. knowing that chaewon remembers it word for word warms her heart, but hearing her note for chaewon from that one documentary directly is also quite embarrassing (sakura does not have an inch of doubt the redness of her ears must have put tomatoes to shame). it does not take nearly as long as it felt, but when she finally finds the courage to face chaewon again–intent on justifying her astuteness–she takes in a breath, “well, you’re not exactly very subtle about a lot of things, you know. like that time last year. i kept seeing and hearing bungeoppang this, bungeoppang that”–sakura exhales–“i was more surprised that you were surprised i got you some.”
chaewon blinks–once. twice. thrice. “that’s–” she attempts a rebuttal, but fails as her face contorts and her shoulders start shaking. she did not expect the bungeoppang anecdote to be held against her, but, as she watches sakura look at her in confusion and mild indignation, chaewon starts laughing in earnest, leaning towards the older girl as she does.
sakura, for her part, isn’t sure what is happening, but chaewon’s laughter seems to be contagious; she feels a grin forming on her face. and then she remembers how chaewon told her to let her finish what she wanted to say–and how that never really happened–and all of a sudden, sakura’s laughter starts filling the room too.
by the time their laughter dies down, chaewon’s already resting her head on sakura’s shoulder. sakura can tell her hands are sweaty from all the amusement, but chaewon’s grip on her hand is tight. “chaewon-ah, my hands are sweaty.”
“mmm. so is mine.”
“so..?”
“nope.”
sakura exaggerates a sigh. “what’s up with you today?”
“i still feel like i am dreaming.”
“and in this dream you are being clingy?” sakura teases, taking a peek at chaewon’s face.
chaewon tilts her head slightly to look back at sakura. “i feel like i've actually been quite affectionate all this time though?”
“ah. i suppose to the oth–” sakura pauses. “yeah.” she realizes she's probably the one who isn't.
chaewon bites her lip, realizing too that sakura is not the type to bask much in physical affection. she lifts her head from sakura's shoulder and looks at their locked hands. sakura was right–their hands are sweaty. chaewon pulls their hands near her chest, and says in the quietest of whispers, “i was afraid you wouldn't appreciate it.” chaewon gently opens her fingers, starts to let go of her unnie's hand. “i guess i still am,” chaewon unconsciously murmurs after, almost inaudibly.
sakura stares at her now open and free hand, feels a slight pang in her chest at how chaewon sounded so unsure just now. sighing, she internally scolds herself for making chaewon feel like that.
“sorry, i should've let go earlier.”
a few moments of silence and chaewon feels like she has overstayed her welcome. perhaps she has dreamed enough for today. “unnie, you're probably slee–”
“i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make you feel like your affections aren't welcome,” sakura starts, gaze cast downwards as she scoots closer to chaewon. “i guess i have been too used to our wordless exchanges and the few and far between skinships.”
a shy, unsure arm slowly links with hers and chaewon slowly exhales. she almost thinks it's funny–despite the uncertainty she can sense from sakura's actions, chaewon can only feel relief and comfort in them. “it’s okay, unnie. it’s enough for me to know i was not unwelcome. you don’t need to force yourself.”
but sakura, armed with the wealth of wisdom coming from all the lives she has lived, can be stubborn too. she holds chaewon’s arm just a little closer, mumbling, “i’m not.”
chaewon breaks into a short giggle; it’s quite rare for her to see sakura like this. she nods, welcoming her unnie's rare initiation of physical affection and huddling even closer to sakura.
silently noting how the older girl has taken the hem of chaewon’s long sleeve to casually fidget with them, she reverts her eyes again to the white wall in front of her. she recalls what sakura mentioned just a few moments earlier. wordless exchanges, sakura had said. chaewon turns the thought over in her head and, struck by realization–
she remembers she had something else she wanted to say earlier.
“you have very expressive eyes, unnie. you don't know how much i have been comforted by their warmth whenever you're really looking at me,” chaewon says softly, peering at sakura's face, and the action somehow urges the older girl to look back at her. “but maybe we can try to get a few more words in there between us sometimes,” she adds, her voice teasing.
sakura tries to ignore the fact that chaewon is aware that she looks at her with great fondness. instead, she gets on board, teasing chaewon back, “okay. how many words should we add?"
but chaewon was waiting, hoping that sakura would somehow ask. she silently banked on the fact that sakura’s shyness would most likely deflect the first, more embarrassing part of her comment and focus on the second, slightly less blush-inducing part–and she gets rewarded for it.
“four,”–chaewon breaks into a smile–“and five.”
before the other girl could ask, chaewon untangles her arm from sakura’s, shifting her position as she gently pulls on sakura a little as well, making it so that they’re fully facing each other. she gazes straight into the older girl's eyes, and even as she notes that the deep brown orbs hold a certain look of both curiosity and bewilderment in them, they behold chaewon in constant, unwavering warmth just the same. chaewon places a delicate hand on sakura’s shoulder, and, for the nth time that night, she feels the world around her fall away.
“i'm here, too, unnie.”
sakura never said them out loud; chaewon is glad she was finally able to say the words back anyway.
chaewon lets her hand fall from sakura’s shoulder, leaning forward and letting their foreheads touch instead. and, as she hears sakura’s breath hitch, chaewon comes to two conclusions.
one: it does not matter whether this is all one long dream, or actual happenings in reality that she could keep in her ever expanding, if perhaps imperfect, memory palace. sakura would probably say both dreams and reality are interpretations anyway: one, of their five senses, another, of their subconscious minds. and so if this is a dream, then chaewon would like to keep on dreaming, immersing herself in all its details, until it becomes her reality.
“i’m still here with you.”
and two: if the past hour, at the very least, had all been real… then one 163-centimeter tall miyawaki sakura better be prepared for all the future memories–hopefully with a little less wordlessness and with a little more hand-holding–that chaewon has in store for her.