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1
When you look up to observe the time, you are surprised to find that the clock hanging on the wall already marks eleven o'clock. You have spent the last three hours cleaning from top to bottom the small studio apartment in which you live, and you are happy with the relaxing effect that all the effort you have put in has had on you: you feel tired, yes, but also light, freed from a weight that has been weighing down on every cell of your body for some time now.
The night before you shaped this weight, molding it into a few words of deadly impact. And maybe that is precisely why, since you woke up, you have not yet checked the notifications on your phone: because, although they are mere rectangles placed on top of each other, they still represent something concrete. And in all that concreteness, you are sure to find a message from him as well.
You are aware that you won't be able to ignore it forever, that sooner or later you will have to arm yourself with courage and face the situation with an open heart, but... now you can't. You feel a strange sense of embarrassment clenching the pit of your stomach, and you don't understand why, given that the previous evening Ryoken seemed to think the same way as you do... but maybe he didn't mean it the same way as you do, and it's this concern that makes you so worried: because while you were saying those words to him you were really desperate, and there's no point in dancing around it, you've proposed to him, and the sooner you get over it, the better.
You sit on the small couch with your hands in your hair, your elbows resting on your thighs and your eyes closed. You feel the palpitations getting more excited, and this is not good, at least not at this moment in which you feel so fragile and bewildered.
You take deep breaths once, twice, three times, then open your eyes and almost find yourself staring at your reflection in the floor that has maybe never shone so brightly since you've lived there
(what one does to escape the heaviness and sharp edges of reality).
You come to terms with your conscience and decide to check the notifications on your phone only after you've done your grocery shopping — and that implies that you'll shower first, spend endless minutes under the hot water jet brooding incessantly, and take just as long to dry yourself properly. Then you will go grocery shopping, and surely this time you will pay much more attention to each and every product that you are used to buying with your eyes closed, and you will get lost in reading prices, expiration dates, and nutritional values, despite the fact that you know them by heart by now.
You will do your way and way to stretch time as much as possible because, like so many guys your age, you have fallen into a trap you never thought you would fall into: the fact that the mood of an entire day depends on a single, simple message from a person who has now become too important to you.
In fact, and you realize this only now, Ryoken has had this effect on you for a while now: from the time when a message from him wishing you a good morning causes you to curve your lips in the perfect representation of happiness, from the time when his warm and measured voice makes you feel an unparalleled inner peace and you only wish you could listen to him uninterruptedly for nights on end, when the evening is tinged with enchanting hues because you know that in a few minutes the video call will start... Ryoken is now so much a part of you and your daily routine that it is impossible for you to detach yourself from him — except today, but that is a special situation.
You breathe deeply one more time and get up from the couch, aware that you cannot stay inside your four walls forever, that sooner or later you will have to leave the shell and expose yourself.
In every sense of the word.
2
Before you met Ryoken, you met Revolver. One of your favorite pastimes is online video games, and that's where you first found each other, in a fictional world called VRAINS as you tried to eliminate each other in the course of a mission — then the skeptics even have the nerve to say that romance is on the verge of extinction!
Revolver was your par excellence rival for weeks on end before giving way to Ryoken. Even before you discovered his true identity, when you interacted with him through the Playmaker avatar, you were convinced you had found someone extremely interesting and who stood out quite easily among the crowd — you just never thought he would turn out to be so interesting.
It all happened quite quickly but, at the same time, gradually: from the VRAINS chat you moved to a social — and there you got to see Ryoken for the first time —, then you exchanged phone numbers and the messaging app became your new means of communication — there you heard his voice for the first time, when Ryoken preferred to reply to your messages with an audio instead of writing a long text, on a day like any other that was tinged with vermilion and enchanting hues —, and then you finally added video calls that have now become an integral part of your evenings before, after or during dinner. There you both get to see each other and interact as if it were almost reality — surely it is the method that comes closest to it, but by now it is not enough for you.
And after what happened last night, it all became bloody uncertain, hanging on a very thin thread that risks to snap at any moment.
As the days, weeks and then months went by, you and Ryoken got to know each other and expose yourselves little by little; so now you know that he loves Thai cuisine, that he is outgoing and enterprising unlike you who tend more to shut yourself up in your shell and brood for hours on end about so many things. That his home is not far from the Faculty of Computer Engineering — the same one you attend, only in a different city and hundreds of miles away — that he is great at tutoring Math and Physics and that you would listen to him for hours on end without ever getting tired.
Ryoken earned your trust to such an extent that you revealed to him your previously unmentionable secret: your boundless, at times spasmodic love for rabbits, as well as the desire you have carried within you since childhood to want to adopt one but never realized for fear of not being up to it.
You felt that in Ryoken such a revelation you could make without risking judgment, and so indeed you did.
For months on end you did nothing but talk to each other with the knowledge that you would find on the other side of the screen someone who could welcome and cherish every smallest whisper without belittling it, a benign and reassuring comfort. And the closer you got in your soul, the more you felt connected to him. You had found a true friend, someone you could always rely on... however, then you realized that it was no longer just that, that Ryoken had made room in your feelings to settle in a particular spot, right in the center of your heart.
And the previous evening you could no longer hold back and said something to him that reflects the thoughts that have been swirling incessantly in your head for some time now. A few words that, in their simplicity, express the whole world: I wish you were here.
You confessed it to him with your eyes watery and your voice trembling almost uncontrollably. You confessed it to him with your heart in tatters, because you would not have wanted to come to this point in such a delicate situation: it is already difficult to deal every day with the bitter knowledge that the hundreds and hundreds of miles separating you are a real obstacle to any of your plans, let alone now that you have proposed yourself
(because yes, by now you've figured it out and you have to accept it: you've proposed to the person you love and you've given form to the feelings that until that moment have lived only inside you).
Ryoken responded to you with “I would like that too”, and you are not even afraid that it was a dream, because you are absolutely certain that you heard those words; what terrifies you most is the fact that you do not know how to interpret them, and this has led you to momentarily shy away from dialogue.
Maybe Ryoken was only trying to be kind to you, without intending who knows what else. You don't know that yet, partly because the previous evening's video call was short-lived, given what happened.
And here, then, is what happened: you opened your heart to Ryoken as you never have since you met. And now it is completely exposed, at the mercy of the February frost.
(And you still don't know whether Ryoken's hands will pick it up from the ground and protect it with their warmth or throw it away, into a path forgotten by all).
3
When you come out of the konbini, the sky has taken on somber hues, but fortunately not so ominous. Maybe it will rain for hours at a time in the late afternoon, which leads you to think that, regardless of your reasons for not going to class that day, you did just fine to stay home and do some cleaning. At the very least, you didn't waste the entire morning lying on your bed staring at the milky ceiling.
Now that you've also done the grocery shopping, you can go home with one less burden on your heart — in some way.
As you pretended to compare prices, expiration dates and nutritional values just to make the time go by as much as possible — you even ended up buying more snacks than usual, paradoxically —, you sent a message to your classmates informing them that you would not even be attending afternoon classes that day and reassuring them that you were fine; then, inexorably, your gaze stumbled upon that particular notification and from the preview you could only read three words: Good morning, Yusaku.
Ryoken sent you a message this morning around eight o'clock, as usual, and while you were relieved, the guilt of not yet replying to him after all those hours began to slowly eat away at you from the inside.
Although extremely late, you finally said good morning to him once you got home, and now you are here intent on arranging the groceries in the refrigerator and on the appropriate shelves when you get his second message: How are you?
And you don't think twice: with him, unlike your classmates, you decide to be honest — It could be better, and you?
His answer is not long in coming: This morning I was thinking the same as you, but now it's much better.
And for a moment you delude yourself like a fool that he is referring to the fact that you have finally answered him and so he is happy about that, but the pessimistic part of you immediately erases any glimmer of hope from your heart. Maybe he has received some good news in the Faculty, after all, Ryoken is working on several academic projects these days and maybe he will have to expound on one in front of experts, who knows.
Why not ask him about it? After all, you've answered him by now, you can't let more hours pass between messages because of fear. Not anymore.
Did something good happen?
And when, not even a minute later, you receive his reply, at first you don't understand and the pessimistic part that dwells in your conscience leads you to think that maybe he got the wrong recipient.
There is, however, a fragment of you, very small but strong, hidden who knows where, that instead has already figured it all out and is barely holding back from exploding in a concert of blindingly hot supernovae.
I am here. A few words with a deadly effect, the same as yours had the night before.
(I wish you were here).
(I am here).
It all happens in an instant: you stop sorting out your groceries, retrieve your coat, and open the door to leave your four walls once again.
The station is not far from your house, and even before you start running to get to your destination as fast as possible, you feel your heart doing somersaults in your rib cage. But that's nothing compared to what you feel when you get another message from Ryoken: I just got off at platform 3.
And there it is, the concreteness you've been searching for so long, the reality that has always populated your dreams: Ryoken is here and you just have to catch up with him now.
You send him a quick message and then immediately start running as fast as you can.
(I'm on my way).
4
When you arrive at the station, your lungs clamor for oxygen so desperately that you are forced to stop for a few moments. From an outside point of view you appear to the immense crowd as the classic latecomer who if you don't hurry to your platform is in danger of missing the train, but you don't. Here it is not a matter of missing something, but of making real a dream that you never thought would come true, at least not so quickly.
The crowd into which you wade seems almost like a cluster of breakers with the sole purpose of whipping you from side to side, and you have to be careful not to get swept away. After what seems like long minutes of exhausting apnea you reach the platform and find him there waiting for you, trolley held by the handle in one hand and a cute little bag in the other. You don't know what is inside, but at that moment it is the least of your worries because Ryoken is right there, just a few meters away from you that until that morning were hundreds and hundreds of miles insurmountable.
He is there, he is right there, and he is even more beautiful than the image you are used to seeing projected on your phone or computer screen. He looks a little tired, but then again, who wouldn't after all those hours of travel?
With shaky legs, broken breath, and an agitated heart, you move closer to him. And the closer you get, the more reality materializes before your eyes.
Ryoken smiles, and you smile with him. At this moment you just want to cry with joy and throw yourself into his arms, sink your face against his broad chest covered by a light gray coat and tell him that you have been waiting for this moment for months at a time, that not having him next to you was slowly destroying you day by day and that you are so happy to be able to hold him, to talk to him in person and no longer through an artificial screen, to be able to hear his voice and breathe in his scent... but there are too many people around you and you've never been such an outgoing guy, even though right now you really want to hug him as hard as you can and thank him for being here.
And Ryoken, who from the way he looks at you seems to think just like you, decides to break the ice by handing you the bag he's holding. You grab it, and as you look at its contents, you immediately notice two long white ears and an adorable, chubby little face, like the rest of the snow-white body. It is a stuffed bunny and it is the cutest thing anyone has ever given you — or maybe it is because it is the first gift from Ryoken.
Your smile widens even wider, and as you thank him, you realize that this is the first word you have ever said to him in person: «Thank you».
«I couldn't wait to give it to you,» Ryoken admits, and as his voice caresses your eardrums, overpowering without shouting all the anonymous noise around you, you can't help but notice his cheeks tinged with a slight blush.
(Heavens, he's adorable).
«How long had you had it with you?» you ask in curiosity.
«Ever since you told me about your love for rabbits. I thought about sending it to you as a surprise, but then I thought I'd like to give it to you in person and... see you smile just like you did just now.»
Now it's your turn to blush, and from the way you feel the heat lapping at your cheeks, they must be reduced to a pile of burnt flesh.
(Heavens, he is just so, so adorable).
Ryoken seems to be softened by your reaction — which is surely worth a thousand words — in fact, he lets out an amused little snort.
Then he pulls himself together and, for the first time since you've known him, seems to find himself at a loss: «When you told me some time ago that it's impossible to book a hotel room in Den City unless you do so months in advance, I thought you were joking...»
Now he looks visibly uncomfortable, and in a moment you understand what he is getting at.
«I don't see where the problem is: come and stay with me,» you reply, and you are almost surprised at all this initiative that, you are sure, you have never possessed until now.
Ryoken seems to be relieved by your answer but, at the same time, still a little embarrassed, «Are you sure it's okay with you? After all, I barged in here out of the blue and—»
You don't give him time to finish his sentence: driven by an unfamiliar courage that you hope will never leave you again, you grab his free hand and immediately start walking, heading home.
«Don't even joke about it. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done toward me. Hosting you seems the least, don't you think?»
Ryoken doesn't answer, just shakes your hand tighter. And that is worth more to you than any single word.
5
As you leave the station, you notice that the sky has darkened even more, but no hint of rain at the moment. You just hope it doesn't start raining just now, since you forgot your umbrella at home, you reflect, as you cross the crosswalk with Ryoken. You still hold hands and it's as if you were born for it.
«Ryoken» you call him several minutes later, when you catch a glimpse of your dwelling. «Don't misinterpret my words, please. Why are you here?»
Since you are now a short time away from your home, you feel it is only fair to clarify once and for all what happened the previous evening. Just then, you feel the first raindrop settle on your forehead.
«Because last night you said you wished I was here,» Ryoken answers you without even an edge of uncertainty in his tone of voice. «This morning I woke up, went to class, and it all seemed so wrong that I went home, packed a bag, and by some miracle managed to find a train ticket to Den City. Maybe you never realized it, Yusaku, but the thing I hate most in the world is knowing that you're sad. And last night it broke my heart to see you in that state. I understand why you didn't reply to my good morning message right away today… throughout the whole trip I've been waiting for your reply and I won't deny that I've also been worried, but after all, this is a trip I was going to take sooner or later anyway. And I was always going to do it for you.»
It rains a little more when Ryoken finishes speaking. You hurry to your destination and reluctantly have to loosen the grip of your hands to retrieve the keys. Meanwhile, Ryoken's words swirl incessantly in your head, sweet as honey and warm as a summer sunset.
And when you enter the house, the trolley and the bag containing the stuffed animal are momentarily set aside to give vent to your true feelings. You feel sorry for the little white bunny that now lies on the floor, but you can't help but think how superfluous it is now that Ryoken is hugging you and how much this represents the perfect idyll you've always wanted to live in.
You haven't even taken off your coats, yet the physical contact between you is unique and special. Now that you are alone, away from prying eyes, you feel that with him you can let go without any more restraint.
A sigh of relief escapes your lips and you cling to him as tightly as you can. You let yourself be lulled for whole minutes by the beauty of that gesture and the wonder of the feeling that unites you.
You feel safe in Ryoken's arms, protected from all the evil in the world.
(You feel that that is the right place for you. The one that is rightfully yours. And you finally feel at peace with yourself).
When you dissolve the embrace, the distance between your bodies lasts but a few seconds. A few seconds in which, between the silence of those four walls, your eyes tell each other everything in a single instant.
And when Ryoken rests his lips on yours, every thought stops swirling and your mind quiets, your body relaxes and your heart overflows with love. You feel a tremor run down your spine the moment the kiss becomes bolder and your only desire now is to become one with him... as well as to eat something because, as soon as you break away to catch your breath, you realize you haven't eaten lunch yet and you find yourself decidedly hungry.
You blush and look away as Ryoken chuckles amusedly.
«If it's any consolation, I'm hungry too,» he confesses as he removes his coat. «I haven't eaten since this morning.»
«Then I'll go make something right away,» you say as you too slip off your coat.
You leave them both on the coat rack, retrieve the bag with the stuffed animal from the floor, and head for the kitchenette. There's still some of the groceries to be sorted out, but maybe some ingredients will be needed for lunch, so it's no problem.
And as you decide what to cook, you can't help but think how wonderfully right this all is.
Because you and Ryoken are home now.
Together.
No matter how far we find ourselves
Our love will keep us close
I want you to know, you will never be alone
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
I want you to know, I’m coming home
(Our Last Night — Home)