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“Ah!”
He jolts awake, dazed, his vision blurry and mind blank, only registering the feeling of hot tears on his cheeks, and the shaking of his body. It was often he’d wake up like this, mind numbed by the events of his past, only seeming to haunt him while he rested, and it seemed that there was nothing he could do to stop the oncoming terror of the chilling memories.
Xiao stared up at the ceiling, his lips slightly parted, as he began to think back on everything that happened; he felt trapped in his own body, like he would never escape, like the only thing he could do was endure the torturous memories that fill his head every time he tries to sleep – though, even if it never seems like it, it has gotten better over the years. His wife is a big factor in that, always being there to help him recover, and provide him with the sense of security he needs. She is his safe person, through and through.
Tonight felt different, in a sense. More dangerous. His mind began to race, the tears continuing to spill as the memories of his grueling past filled his head, a quiet sob spilling from his quivering lips, “Yelan…” He whispered her name, but it was far too quiet to wake her up, and he sighed, his head slightly turned to look at her.
With a struggle, he flipped onto his side and moved closer to his sleeping wife, pulling himself onto her, his arms immediately wrapping around her, body shaking as he quietly cried, trying his best to not wake her up.
Yelan stirred, her arms instinctively wrapping around him, pulling him closer, “Mmh,”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” He whispered, voice hoarse from the crying, but she shushed him, hand rubbing his back.
“No, don’t apologise. I told you all those years ago when we got together that I’d be here whenever you needed me, and I mean it. Even if that involves waking me up.” She kissed him on the top of his head, and he sniffled, nodding his head slightly.
He thinks back to that night, the night they first got together, and how she was so firm with her words. She still is. She’s never lost that spark, her sharp tongue, her witty responses; he figures she would’ve gotten tired of him by now with all the quick-thinking she has to do with him around. But she loves him. He knows that, and he’s never doubted it for a second, even in their worst moments.
Xiao held onto her tighter, resting his head on her chest, sniffling as he tried to stop his tears, but it was to no use. Just when he thought he’d finally calmed down again, it was as if it all flashed in his mind again, the dead bodies, the chilling screams, the memories of his time together with the friends he considered family, it came back to haunt him once again. And he wailed. He couldn’t breathe, tears spilling from his eyes like a waterfall, so much so that his wife had to sit him up so he wouldn’t choke trying to breathe through his tears.
He grabbed her hands, holding on so tight, his fingers feeling the wedding band on her finger, tears spilling onto his lap as he stared down, needing that sense of security, to know that she’ll be there. Yelan pulled him close, rubbing his back, trying to make sure he wouldn’t choke and that he could breathe, and he finally dropped her hands, his arms now wrapped around her as he tried to calm himself down.
“Yelan, it hurts,” He sputtered, breaking out into a loud sob, taunted by the memories of the past, his ears ringing from the intensity of his sobs.
“I know, I’m sorry,” She whispered to him, kissing the side of his head, “I’m here, I promise. You don’t need to worry. I will never leave your side. Never.”
Her reassuring words seemed to calm him down a little, enough for him to stop wailing, but not enough for him to stop crying completely. It was hard for him. Even after all these years, it’s hard to forget about it all, to move on, especially with how the actions of his past follow him everywhere he goes. It is a curse that he will never be free from, and it never fails to remind him. Every night as he rests, the visions of all the slaughtering he’s done never leave his headspace, the murdering, even his childhood; it all serves as a reminder that even if he tries his hardest, he will never be free. Not until he dies.
He sobbed even harder, clutching onto her, his body shaking fervently. It seemed to never stop, the wailing only getting louder, his vision blurry and voice hoarse. He cried and cried until he could no longer, losing his voice, but even then, the tears never seemed to stop. She hugged him as tight as she could, murmuring in his ear, trying to calm him down and reassure him that he’s okay, and that he will never be in that situation again, all while she rubbed his back, making sure that he could breathe – he felt like he didn’t deserve her.
Xiao could hardly think, his mind blank, only feeling her body around him and the tears rolling down his cheeks. It was unlike anything he had ever been through. He hasn’t cried this hard for a very, very long time, and he felt silly.
She pulled away from him, wiping his tears from under his eyes, “Do you want a glass of water?” Yelan’s sweet voice snaps him out of the daze he’s in, and he slowly nods his head, untangling himself from her arms so that she’s able to get up, “Okay. I’ll be right back. I promise.”
She leans down and kisses him softly on the lips, before leaving the room to retrieve the glass of water, turning on the light in the hallway so it wouldn’t be completely dark. He stares at the door, anxiously awaiting her return, fidgeting with the wedding ring on his finger. That was one of his favourite reminders. A reminder that he has a beautiful wife, one that he loves with all his heart, and one that he can’t stand to be away from.
He looks around the room, and though it is dim, he can see the pictures of them that line the walls, wiping away his tears as he looks at all of them; he loved the one that Yanfei took of them on their wedding night, when they were tucked away in a corner hiding from the crowds, giggling and sharing kisses as they talked about everything they’d been through together. They both looked so happy. And they still do, in all the recent pictures taken of them, even after six years of marriage. Most people don’t even last one.
Xiao gets off the bed and grabs the picture off the dresser, smiling down at it, sniffling. He loved the picture so much. One of his favourites.
“What are you looking at?” Yelan asks, suddenly standing behind him, and he jumps, a quiet yelp of surprise coming out of him, “Ah, I’m sorry,” She giggled.
“This one. When we were newlyweds.” He hands the picture to his wife, and she giggles once again, a big smile on her face, “What?”
“I think, in this specific picture, we were whispering about how we used to sneak around the Chasm like we were teenagers, and I mentioned that time we accidentally woke the rest of them up and how we had to rush to get dressed before they found us… Look at your red face.” She points at his face, and he pouts, looking away.
“That was you that woke them up, not me…” His face goes the same shade of red as it was in the photo, and she stifles a laugh, realising the memory still embarrassed him.
“Suuure.” She set the picture down, kissing his cheek, “Let’s sit down again.”
They sit down on the bed again, and Yelan hands him the glass of water. He sips on it, holding it tightly in his hands, like he was nervous.
“What happened earlier? Are you feeling alright now?” She asks, worry in her eyes. Xiao shrugs, sniffling once again, his face still wet with tears, and he looks to the side, as if he wants to avoid the question, “Listen, I know that you might not want to talk about it right now, but please, I need to know that you’re at least okay for the rest of the night.”
Begrudgingly, he looks at her, still avoiding her gaze, “I… I think I had a bad dream. But I don’t remember. I woke up, and I was crying, and then I went to hug you. I didn’t mean to wake you up. But I wanted your comfort,” He pauses, taking a sip of his water, “And then, earlier, everything just popped into my head. Everything of the past. When I was little, while I was fighting, everything that I… had killed, everything I had done…” His voice gets quieter and quieter as he speaks, and she nods, grabbing his free hand.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I can do to help you feel better, but I’m here for you. Always.”
“It was just… everything. My dead friends. The haunting memories of the past. And… And I know you’re here now. I’m happy. I love you so so much. Without you, I think I wouldn’t have been able to function normally. When you weren’t there for me… I was hardly sleeping, because of what lurked when I did sleep. But now that you’re here… I know that I have you,” He quickly drinks the rest of his water and then hugs Yelan tightly, resting his head on her shoulder, “I wouldn’t know what to do without you.”
“I love you so much, Xiao. Never forget that.” She rests her hand on the back of his head, fingers running through his hair, “I’m glad that I can be here for you. I’m glad that I’m your safe person.”
It was almost instant. One second he was mumbling to her, and the next, he was asleep in her arms; like a little baby that was getting rocked to sleep, he was out like a light. She softly giggled, laying him down and covering him back up with the blanket, kissing him on the forehead gently, before getting off the bed and turning off the hallway light.
Yelan looks at the wedding ring on her finger, and it's clear to her now that she will love him forever. Even in their worst moments, the nights where they argue so horribly it leaves them both in tears, nights where they sleep facing away from each other instead of cuddling, nights where she feels like she may kill him; she’ll still love him. Because she knows that deep down, even if she doesn’t want to admit it, she would lose her mind without him. They are each other’s rocks, the one person they know will be there forever, the person they can’t live without.
She gets back into the bed, pulling him close, feeling how he snuggles into her, and she sighs quietly, “Oh, how I love you,” Her voice is quiet, almost inaudible, “I love you with all my heart. Forever.”
Her hand rakes through his hair once again, and she kisses the top of his head, closing her eyes. His life is fragile, his emotions, but she will help to strengthen it. She promised him all those years ago that she would help him through anything, and she intends to keep that promise.
“I mean it.” She whispers, “I love you more than you could ever imagine. My love for you is out of this world,” Yelan sighs again, holding him in her arms, “Goodnight. I hope you’re able to sleep peacefully this time.”