Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Mako ground to a halt. From where Ashley Williams sat, she could see Shepard’s gauntlet covered hands anxiously kneading the controls. Silicate sand that had been churned up by the vehicle’s huge tyres settled gently on the view finder. Ashley scanned the surrounding area but couldn’t see anything that might have disturbed the commander; nothing but a flat, open expanse surrounded by small outcroppings of the igneous rock that made up the highlands of this planet.

As the silence dragged on, even Garrus became unsettled. Through the corner of her eye, Ashley could see him remove his hands from the instrument panel and turn his head towards Shepard.

“Garrus, I want you to prepare to use those guns. Do not hesitate.”

“Understood, Commander.” His long talons returned to his console.

“Williams, I want seismic scans. Anything out of the ordinary.” Shepard’s voice was deep. It was her serious voice; the voice she used when concentrating. When she looked towards Ashley to check the order was heard and understood, her eyes were blank.

Ashley returned the look. “Aye, aye, Ma’am.”

She pretended to absorb herself with the instruments in front of her and instead watched Shepard’s shoulder plates shift as she took a deep breath. The Mako began to rumble, but rather than going forward across the soft sands and flat ground that would have ensured a comfortable ride, Shepard turned towards the bumpy terrain of the rocky outcrop that encircled the flat plain.

Garrus and Ashley exchanged looks as they bounced inside their seats, but they held their silence.

Finally, Shepard spoke. Her voice was stilted as if each word was a struggle. “It was a thresher maw nest. Typical habitat for them. You could see bits of churned up earth where they....” Her words stuttered to a halt, and she remained fixedly staring ahead. “I might know what happened to Kahoku’s marines.”

Ashley felt her pulse increase at the words and she took extra care to make note of the various ground readings on her display as a throaty growl came from Garrus’ side of the Mako.

Every member of the Normandy’s crew was familiar with Commander Shepard’s service history; they all knew that she was the only survivor after her platoon was torn apart by thresher maws on Akuze. Ashley could almost relate. It was what had helped her form a bond with Shepard after they met on Eden Prime. After watching all her squad mates die one after the other, Ash had known her own death wouldn’t be long in coming, she just wanted to take down as many of those flashlight-headed assholes as she could before it happened.

And then.

And then, dark armour reflecting the red light from the sky, Commander Shepard had stepped out on the path in front of her. In that moment, Ashley had decided it might be possible to live a little longer.

She had hoped Shepard would eventually talk to her about Akuze; share what happened the night her entire platoon was killed. Instead, whenever it or something like it came up, Shepard would deflect, make it about Ashley and how she was doing, how she was managing after the loss of Dog Squad. They had a bond, but not a strong one.

Ashley’s thoughts returned to the present as she turned to look at the lines of Shepard’s shoulders. They were more relaxed now that they had left the thresher nest behind.

The Mako bounced its way across the rocky terrain. On any other mission, Garrus would make a joke about Shepard’s driving, but today he remained quiet, choosing instead to adjust his seat restraints. Ashley sent a smirk his way and she thought she saw it returned with a gentle smile, the turian version of a smile; his mandibles twitched, at least.

She turned back to her screens. “Three klicks to the transmitter, Commander,” she called over her shoulder.

Shepard continued to drive the Mako slowly and carefully over the brown hills. Ashley distracted herself by watching meteors falling noiselessly in the distance. She checked her scanners, but it didn’t look like any would land near their position.

“I have a visual,” Garrus said. “Looks like a Grizzly… Shepard, you better take a look.”

Ashley watched the Commander carefully. She watched as Shepard’s whole body seemed to tense; her head tilted very slightly to the side and her fingers began to move rapidly in the air as if she were running a coin across her knuckles. It was a trick she’d seen the commander do more than once, but it was unsettling watching the display without the coin, the plates of her gloves quietly rubbing together. Her hands eventually stilled, before balling into fists, then she let out a breath in the form of a low hum, almost a growl.

Ashley and Garrus watched and waited.

“Shit,” Shepard exhaled. She finally made eye contact with her squad. “It’s another thresher maw nest. The planet is probably covered in them. But that one, those bodies and that transmitter, are right in the middle of it. I’m not leaving here until we find out what happened. There is no nearby cover, which means we’ll be safest inside the Mako. Williams, you’re on the machine gun. Garrus, you take the cannon. I want to know the moment the shields drop. We will go in slow. I will lay a path that spirals in towards the site. Hopefully, we can get an idea of how many threshers we’ll need to take down. Sometimes with a nest there is only one or two adults to deal with. We might get lucky. He pātai?”

They shook their heads. No questions. Sometimes when Shepard was feeling particularly anxious, she’d slip into another language. Ashley had meant to ask her about it, but the time had never felt right, and the in-ear translators did their job.

Ashley swivelled back to her post, but Garrus remained facing the commander.

“Shepard, I—"

She stopped him with a slight raise of her chin. “I’m fine, Garrus. I can get us through this. Be ready.” She jerked her head toward his console, an unmistakable dismissal.

The three crewmembers settled themselves into their seats: flicking switches and preparing safety gear. Shepard ran through the usual checks and then turned to her crew, while Ashley made note of the furrowed brow on Shepard’s otherwise expressionless face. “Ready?”

At their affirmative nods, Shepard began to ease the Mako up to a medium speed. “Make sure your harnesses are nice and secure. I will try to keep her steady, but you should expect evasive manoeuvres.” Ashley saw Garrus run his talons over his restraints again before returning his hands to the console. Securing her own seat, she settled in. She couldn’t help switching her gaze between the seismic scanner, ground-penetrating radar, gun scope, and the commander’s shoulders. Shepard was absolutely focused. Ashley had come to appreciate the commander’s ability to compartmentalise, to take her fears and anxieties, and neatly fold them away inside herself. Her shoulders were no longer locked. “Garrus, don’t forget to monitor the shields.” There was no need to respond. Ashley knew this was all just part of Shepard’s process.

As they wound their way closer towards that central point, Ashley began to hope that Shepard was wrong, and the nest site was old and abandoned. Then the seismic scanner began to shriek at the same time as the radar picked up something massive.

“Commander! The scanners—" Her warning shout was lost as the earth around them began to shake violently.

She could feel her eyes widen with fear, as she desperately searched for a visual. Looming like a massive tower of shell and flesh was a creature she’d only ever seen in pictures and vids.  She didn’t have time to look to see what Shepard and Garrus were doing. She concentrated instead on lining up the scope before letting loose with the machine gun. The huge thresher maw looked a bit like a giant Earth-centipede, but that’s where the similarity ended. The shells had extraordinarily little impact on the creature and Ashley found herself distracted enough to wonder what the plates on its huge exoskeleton were made of. Its thick, pink and blue carapace was much more colourful than the monochrome brown environment. Then it roared. It actually roared. Like a bear. She felt the vehicle shake as the cannon fired and then felt the smaller vibration as the shell found its mark. She kept firing her machine gun as the creature threw its head back and Shepard chose that moment to use the rear thrusters to lurch the Mako forward at speed. Ashley’s head bounced against the brace. Three spurts of acid hit the ground where the Mako had been. Shepard continued to drive in a straight line but when the maw disappeared beneath the ground, she swung the Mako around. All the while the earth rumbled and shifted beneath their wheels.

The rumbling stopped and there it was.

She had time to shout, “It’s on our six!” before she heard the cannon fire. Garrus had time to hit the thing twice before the process repeated. Acid hit the Mako as Shepard attempted to accelerate away. The control panels began to beep, and lights flashed throughout. They all started shouting at once as different systems went offline. Shepard called for calm and they both gave their reports. The immediate concern was they had lost one of the rear thrusters, and suspension to the rear wheel. It was likely a tyre was gone as well, though miraculously the environmental seals remained intact.

The ground stopped rumbling. Ashley was the first to locate the looming thresher maw. “2 o’clock!”

The cannon fired again, and again. Ashley strafed the monster relentlessly and wanted to believe it was making a difference. Hands hard on the triggers, she chanced a glance at Garrus, who looked as worried as she had ever seen him. Following his line of sight, Ashley suddenly noticed smaller, scaly bodies writhing in the sands. There are more of them, she shuddered. The pattern was obvious to her now, and as the maw’s head gracefully arched away, she prepared herself for the lurch of the Mako.

Shepard managed to accelerate smoothly and then used the lopsided thrust to her advantage. It helped to quickly spin them onto a new course, and they cut straight towards the M29 Grizzly. Ashley assumed Shepard was going to use it as a shield for the smaller Mako, but they never made it. The thresher maw was once again crashing through the crust of earth in front of them.

“Ok, you two. You’re not going to like this. Just hit it with everything you have,” Shepard said, with that same unnaturally flat voice. The Mako came to a screeching halt, spinning slightly, and for a moment, Ashley found her viewfinder obscured by flying dust. She couldn’t hear anything except for the high-powered munitions. The creature’s head flung back, and Ashley braced for the Mako’s lateral shift but instead felt her body push downwards as the vehicle’s rockets boosted them into the air. “Keep firing!” Shepard shouted. This time the thresher maw didn’t sink immediately below the surface, so Garrus was able to hit it again, and finally, finally the thresher maw hit the ground and lay still.

Ashley couldn’t help but break the silence. “What about the little ones? Do we need to hunt them, too?”

“These ones are quite small,” Shepard said with horrible, glacial calm. “They shouldn’t bother us for a while.” She paused, looking down at her hands. “They follow the lead of the big ones. With this one dead, they won’t try to attack again. Not until another adult arrives.” Ashley and Garrus eyed her with alarm. “Let’s get this done quickly,” she finished, thumping her fists to her knees before standing.

Guns drawn and visors down, they clambered stiffly out into the glaring sunlight. Sweat beaded between Ash’s shoulder blades, the dampness soaking into her under armour. She watched meteors strike the planet’s surface in the distance and listened to the staccato rhythm of the rocks’ fall, before she remembered where she was and turned her gaze to the ground, looking for any sign of shifting sands. She was put on watch, while Shepard and Garrus searched the bodies and removed dog tags. Kahoku had made it clear that it was unlikely that a retrieval team would be sent soon. In their stead, the pair carefully and with practiced ease, emptied pockets of personal effects so that items could be returned to the marines’ families. Shepard knelt in the sand and quickly filled six soil sample containers. Ashley didn’t remember reading anything about this in the mission brief. Curious, she crept forward to watch over Shepard’s shoulder.

In a quiet, almost sonorous voice, Shepard said, “Tukua mai he kapunga oneone ki ahau hei tangi māku.” The translator in Ashley’s ear gave it to her as: send me a handful of soil so that I may weep over it. Shepard stood, clapping her hands together to shake off the worst of the dust, and when she turned, her mouth opened in surprise to see Ashley standing so close. Shepard looked guilty. A blush rose in her cheeks.

“Poetry, Skipper?”

“Something like that,” Shepard replied with a shrug and a small smile. She’s not guilty, Ashley thought, she’s embarrassed.

They stood eyeing each other. Neither sure what to do next. Garrus broke the silence with a clearing of his throat. “Shepard, I need you to take a look at this.”

Shepard turned and walked towards Garrus who was crouched next to the transmitter. Ashley hung back guarding the Mako. She couldn’t hear what was being said, but was confident they would bring her up to speed, once whatever had been decided was decided. Her attention turned back to the arid, brown-gold landscape. She allowed her ears to focus on the little noises around her, the quiet rumble of the Mako’s engine as it idled, the distant meteors thudding to earth, and the sand shifting beneath Shepard’s boots as she pointed towards the transmitter. She kept a careful track of the HUD inside her helmet, but there was nothing alarming.

“Fine,” Shepard’s voice knocked her out of her reverie. “Bring the transmitter, and anything else we can use. We’ve been here longer than I like.”

“It was a trap,” Garrus said.

“Looks that way,” Shepard answered. Her arms were crossed, weight resting on one hip as she eyed the middle distance. “I’ll be passing on the mission report to the Alliance, and file it with the Council. Our next stop is the Citadel, so prepare for two days shore leave. Garrus, Ashley, and I will meet with Rear Admiral Kahoku.” She made eye contact with each person gathered. “Questions?”

“Yeah. I’ve got one. When did you learn to drive like that?” Garrus’ peculiar voice rumbled. “Spirits, I was sure that would be the end of us.” All the eyes turned towards the woman leaning casually at the front of the room.

Ashley made note of the fact that Shepard seemed to shrink inwards. Not obviously. It was just a slight ducking of the head. Her shoulders shrugged.

“Practice.”

Everyone’s thoughts turned to Akuze. Shepard’s attempt at dark humour had fallen flat; someone, maybe Liara, gasped quietly.

Kaiden cleared his throat. He was wearing his sad puppy dog eyes as he began to speak, “Shepard, it’s—"

The commander’s head jerked up. “What? No.” She looked around the room. “No. I don’t mean that.” When she made eye contact with Ashley, her expression was inscrutable. “I mean actual practice. Heaps of time in the sims and reading basically everything I could.” She allowed herself a small smirk, and directed her last comment to Garrus, “I’ll admit, I wasn’t sure getting the Mako to jump would work. Always did in the simulators.”

The mission debrief was over. Remaining seated, Ashley watched the commander as she strode towards XO Pressley. She was talking to him, gesturing vaguely with her hands. Her right one moved up to scratch the nape of her neck as they walked out of the room.

It was with some consternation, that Ashley realised Liara had been talking to her; something about shopping on the Presidium.

“Yeah, good idea,” Ashley replied, hoping that it would be a suitable response. Liara quirked an eyebrow, so Ashley quickly finished with, “Sorry Liara, I need to head out. Maybe get a quick meal and bed. The mission today really took it out of me.”

She didn’t wait for Liara’s kind words to finish. She left the comm room and scanned the CIC. Pressley was alone at his usual terminal, so without breaking her stride, she skipped down the stairs to the mess. Her shoulders slumped slightly when she saw it was empty.

With no one to see her do it, Ashley turned towards the captain’s quarters. She wasn’t sure herself what she was hoping for, but it wasn’t the red lit door display that announced that Shepard did not want to be disturbed. Unsure of what to do next, she settled herself down in the mess, but was startled by a crash from Shepard’s room. She was quickly out of her seat and across the corridor. Close to the door, she could hear crying. Not the gentle sobbing that comes from watching a particularly sad vid. This sound made the hair on the back of Ashley’s neck stand up. It was utterly desolate. Part panic, part grief. Ashley hesitated before steeling herself and banging on the door. The keening stopped.

“Skipper? It’s Ashley. You ok?” Ashley listened carefully but couldn’t hear anything in response. “Want me to get Chakwas, or someone?”

She thought she could hear something but couldn’t be sure. “Commander Shepard?”

Her omni-tool buzzed. I’m fine. Will talk later.

Ashley pressed her forehead against the door in defeat. She let her fingers trace the grooves in the panelling. The metal was cold beneath her fingertips. Eventually, there was nothing left to do. She turned her back and headed towards the crew quarters, wishing Liara goodnight, as they passed on the stairwell.

Ashley didn’t see Shepard at all until their small group assembled at the airlock. They were in their dress uniforms and Shepard was carrying a lightweight plastic crate covered in Alliance insignia. They passed the time with idle banter as they made their way to the Presidium. Rear Admiral Kahoku had asked to meet them in the courtyard, wanting to forgo the formalities that another meeting spot would impose. Shepard handled the introductions and then gave her mission report. It made for sombre listening and Kahoku was clearly upset.

“Commander, I appreciate what you did. Now I need to do my part. The families of those marines deserve to know why they died.” He bounced once on the balls of his feet. “Commander Shepard, walk with me a moment.”

Shepard nodded to Garrus and Ashley, dismissing them, but the courtyard was beautiful and neither of them were inclined to wander far. They strolled over to a nearby bench and sat admiring the beauty of their surroundings. The pair continued their idle chitchat. Soldiers get good at small talk, same with C-Sec officers, and their banter was easy and good natured. Ashley divided her attention between her conversation with Garrus and watching Shepard’s interactions with the Rear Admiral.

The discussion was an animated one, which Ashley supposed was expected, given its likely nature. She was holding her shoulders rigid and wasn’t making a lot of eye contact while she listened. Her eyebrows were drawn together, and her mouth was a thin line. Ashley recognised it as Shepard’s thinking face. Shepard nodded and said something. But a long while later, it was obvious the conversation had shifted. Shepard was making a lot more eye contact, her body language was more open, relaxed even. Ashley watched as the pair leaned towards each other like old friends. Shepard laughed.

“That’s new,” said Garrus looking over at them for the first time.

They were still watching as Shepard and Kahoku smiled, and pressed their forehead and noses together. They held that intimate pose, that not-quite-a-hug, for a few seconds, breathing in each other’s breath, before separating. They smiled at each other again before releasing the other from their grasp. Shepard turned back as Kahoku picked the crate up from the bench and gave a small wave. Kahoku offered a mock salute and turned away.

“Human thing?” Garrus asked.

“No, not universal anyway,” Ashley offered.

They were both still staring when Shepard walked up to them. She was practically bouncing.

“Did you know ‘kahoku’ means ‘star’ in Hawaiian?” Shepard asked, grinning. Not waiting for a response, she led them away.

Chapter Text

“And there I am, up to my armpits in varren juice when Captain-Tech-Wizard here comes strolling back in from playing with her buttons, only to tell me she’s found a group of krogan to deal with.” Kaidan leant back in his chair with an air of satisfaction, after a story well told.

“First of all,” Shepard spluttered in mock outrage, “it’s Commander-Tech-Wizard. And second, that is not even remotely the order of events. This is precisely why you can’t be trusted to write mission reports without someone holding your hand.”

Ashley watched as Kaidan’s neck turned pink. The blush didn’t make it to his face. Ashley suspected he was imagining holding hands with Shepard, rather than feeling any real embarrassment.

“All I know is,” Garrus chimed in, “that the mission on Feros took far longer than necessary because Commander-Tech-Wizard-Paragon-Spectre decided that she had to help every single colonist that came to her with their boo-boos.” It was Garrus’ turn to look smug as he paused to take a drink from his class of Turian Brandy.

“Christ, I hope that nickname doesn’t stick. A bit of a mouthful. Surely, we can do better than that?” Ashley said dryly, swirling her almost empty beer bottle.

The conversation descended into relaxed competition, each storyteller trying to outdo the last. Ashley loved these moments. She looked around at the gathered Normandy crew members, a mix of Navy and Marine personnel. Even Joker had left his beloved cockpit to sit with them in the Mess. The debrief wouldn’t be until the following day. This was a chance to relax and unwind together, to glory in the fact that even after a mission as strange and dangerous as Feros had been, the squad had returned unscathed.

“What about Saren?” Tali asked. She was holding her own glass of triple distilled Turian Brandy which she was drinking carefully through a straw.

The room stilled as Garrus, Kaidan and Shep retold a bizarre story of a massive sentient plant with mind controlling abilities, plant zombies, and an asari thrall that had agreed to share the Prothean cipher with Shepard.

“The upshot is that Saren has the cipher. It’s in my brain, but I am not… it doesn’t make sense,” Shepard finished. The mood shifted; all levity lost as the commander frowned mournfully into her glass.

“I think I might be able to help with that, Commander,” Liara offered in her strange, piping voice. “I could use a mind meld to help you make sense of the images.”

“I would speak with you both privately before either of you attempt any such thing,” Karin Chakwas insisted firmly, immediately bringing an end to that line of conversation.

Shepard nodded in reply.

Ashley got the distinct impression that Doctor Chakwas was one of the few people from whom Shepard would willingly take orders.

The raucous party-like atmosphere had ended; those gathered turned to the people beside them and smaller more intimate conversations began.

“I tried to explain to him that it shouldn’t need to be calibrated that often.” Tali gestured towards Garrus. “If it does, it is symptomatic of a bigger problem, but he refused to listen. He told me to stick to worrying about the drive core. Bosh’tet.” Liara clucked in sympathy. Ashley smirked and rolled her eyes supportively, knowing it wasn’t really a conversation to which she could meaningfully contribute.

Her attention wandered towards Joker on her other side.

“Between rivers of lava! There isn’t another pilot in the galaxy that could have pulled that drop off. I’m telling you; on this mission the ground crew may have fought off zombies, robots bristling with lasers, asari commandos, wild varren, and krogan (no offense Wrex), but the real work is always done from the cockpit.”

Wrex looked down at Joker from where he was leaning against a post, his red eyes inscrutable. “Heh,” he grunted.

It had been an incredible mission. Ashley felt a prickle of jealousy that she hadn’t been part of the ground team. Hadn’t she proven herself since joining the Normandy? She felt that familiar feeling of self-doubt creep over her. Time and time again, she had been pushed back by her commanding officers, told she wasn’t ready, wasn’t good enough, that a Williams couldn’t be trusted to hold the line. If Shepard felt the same and was keeping her away from difficult missions, it was time to admit the truth: she’d never be the marine she wanted to be.

It had last happened on Eden Prime.

Ashley had been passed over for leadership of the mission, despite being the most experienced. It was given to Sergeant Donkey.

“Your friends might not see it, but I do. You can’t escape your past, Williams.”

She had bristled then, but that bastard of an officer had been right all along.

Because things had promptly gone to hell. After finding Bravo Squad dead in a ditch and learning that Able and Charlie squads were under attack, Donkey had handed the leadership of Dog Squad over to her. He had said nice things, kind things.

She found herself wondering if they’d still be alive now if she hadn’t agreed to it. Would Donk have followed orders to continue, or would he have suggested they hole up and wait for reinforcements; pretend they hadn’t received the updated order? When Ashley had led them to the dig site, it was overrun with geth. She had the squad flank them and took some of the machines down early in the piece. After that, things went from bad to... much worse. Pennyloafer was the first killed. Jenner, Rasputin, Donkey. Bates was just gone. They never heard Ashley’s call to retreat.

The night before, Pennyloafer and Ashley had kissed. And now she was dead.

Ashley looked over to Shepard. She was talking to Addison Chase, one of the command deck technicians. Shepard was back to her confident, brash self. Nothing like the woman whose hands had been shaking inside the Mako a month ago. She was leaning back casually, arms folded across her chest and a smile on her face.

Shepard looked across to her XO. Pressley tapped his wrist twice as if to point to the time on an omni-tool.

Shepard nodded, and said something to Addison, before addressing the room at large, “Ok people, hit the racks. Briefing’s at 0900 hours.”

Military discipline kicked in, chairs were pushed back, and people finished their conversations with shoulder clapping and laughter. Bottles were returned to cabinets, glasses put into the washer, rubbish into the bin.

As Ashley walked to her bunk, it was with a heavy heart. She realised that once again, a Williams had been weighed in the balances, and found wanting.

“Thanks for seeing me, Commander.”

“No problem, Chief. How can I help?” Shepard sat at her desk leaning back. She looked relaxed, despite the mountain of datapads beside her.

Ashley felt tired. It hadn’t been a restful night’s sleep. She took a deep breath and steeled herself for the difficult conversation that she knew would follow.

“Commander, I am more than my name suggests. I should have been with the team on Feros. I have been held back by my superiors before, so I know what it means, and I understand why you are doing it, but I would like you to reconsider. My technical scores are sound.” She sucked in another breath, before finishing with a hasty, “Ma’am.”

Shepard’s eyes narrowed slightly. “You are talking about your grandfather?”

Ashley could only nod. She felt her throat tighten and her eyes began to burn. Shepard’s expression softened but Ashley couldn’t let her resolve slip.

Her Grandad had held out as long as he could. The turians had wrecked the orbitals in the first wave and occupied all the major cities. Then they'd sat in orbit dropping bombs. Civilians were dying. General Williams' troops were starving. He'd had no way to contact Alliance High Command. So, he surrendered the garrison. Williams went down in history as the only human commander to surrender to an alien force. After the liberation of Shanxi, he had been led away in handcuffs for all the Milky Way’s news media to see. He was never formally charged with anything, but his family had been punished ever since. Ashley's dad had never been promoted above Serviceman 3rd Class, due to the supposed crimes of his father.

If she didn’t stand up for herself now, she could see herself never being promoted above Gunnery Chief.

“It takes a special kind of thickheaded to march into a job where your family’s blacklisted. I did it anyway,” Ashley said defiantly.

“I’m pleased you did, Williams. Look, I know the history. I read the reports on Shanxi years ago. The General was right to do what he did. He didn’t have any other options and his act saved a lot of lives. He’s a hero. You have to know that.”

Ashley stood in silence for a long moment waiting for the catch, replaying the commander’s words in her mind, looking for the sarcastic edge, or the ring of dishonesty. Looking at Shepard’s eyes she saw only sincerity. Finally, she let out a breath.

“Not to get all cheesy, but you’re the first CO who’s ever said that to me.” She allowed herself a smile. “Thanks, Skipper.”

“You’ve actually answered a question for me. I was wondering why someone with your exemplary scores had been stuck on crappy groundside garrison posts. The report from Gunnery Chief Ellison was glowing, and I remember him as being particularly… shouty.” Shepard smiled, reminiscing.

“Why have you been leaving me on the boat? I’ve proven that I am capable,” Ash asked quietly.

The two women appraised each other warily. Finally, Shepard gestured for Ashley to sit. She leaned forwards, with her elbows propped on her thighs, her right hand stroking her chin in a way that was reminiscent of the statue of ‘The Thinker.’ It was quite intimidating having that thoughtful pose directed at you. Ashley shifted uncomfortably as she waited for her answer.

“I was keeping you off any missions where I suspected that geth would be our main combatants.”

What? Ashley’s mind froze. “What?”

Shepard allowed even more vocal fry than normal to enter her voice when she answered, “I was trying to protect you.” She looked into Ashley’s startled eyes. “After Akuze… I was a mess.”

Ashley had always been prone to a bit of foot in mouth. This was too important to mess up. For once, she stayed quiet, willing Shepard to continue.

Shepard did. Slowly, haltingly; fidgeting nervously as she spoke. “I didn’t want anything to do with the programs. Didn’t want to take leave. No one wanted to upset Hannah Shepard’s daughter, so they let me back into the field much… much too soon. Presumably against all sorts of regulations.” Shepard idly scratched the back of her head. “Actually, I was fine at first. But every little mistake I made… I would really notice. I would dwell on it. You know how you sometimes get into a thought spiral and it’s like you can’t get your head to shut up?” Ashley nodded. “It was like that. I started to… Well. Eventually it got so bad they kicked me out; sent me home for six months. But where is home for a spacer kid? I went to stay with my nan in New Zealand. Got the support I needed.” The commander let out a long puff of air. “When you lose all your people like that, it is easy to get triggered when you find yourself in a similar situation. I didn’t want that for you.”

Ashley stretched out her arm and touched Shepard on the knee, she knew she shouldn’t, but she did it anyway. Shepard looked at the hand but didn’t pull away.

“Skipper, I’m seeing an Alliance Psychologist: Captain Channing. I’m doing good.” Ashley leaned back in her chair. Unsure of where to put her hands, she crossed her arms and waited.

Shepard was making no attempt at eye-contact, so Ashley took the opportunity to look around the cabin. It was sparse. Large but empty. There were almost no personal items on display, nothing to give insight into the person herself. A symptom of only being allowed a single sea bag on board, Ashley decided. She hasn’t had the time to add more things, yet.

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Ok. You’re right. I should have told you what I was doing and why I was doing it. I’ll bring you on more ground missions, but you have to tell me if things start to feel bad. I’ll understand.”

“Aye, aye, Commander.”

“Dismissed, Chief.”

“Hey, Skipper?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Thanks.”

Chapter Text

“PRIVATE LOG OF DR. GAMORLE
I don't trust this Cerberus group. They may pay us well, but if this gets out before we've developed an antidote... it's just not smart. They won't tell us what they want the samples for or why they wanted them delivered to the  Matano  system. My records show nothing of interest there.”

Wordsworth might have liked this place, Ashley thought. Emily Dickinson wrote something about mountains. Whitman too. But there was a better one by Katharine Lee Bates. Ashley could recite the first stanza, but the rest was hazy.

Our blue sierras shone serene, sublime,
When ghostly shapes came crowding up the air,
Shadowing the landscape with some vast despair

And all was changed…

And all was changed…

Wrex’s gravelly voice intruded on Ashley’s thoughts. “Remind me what we are doing here, Shepard.”

Ashley could see why this planet might be an attractive prospect for colonisers. Blue, mountainous peaks rose above grassy plains. It was beautiful, serene, sublime. But that was just the temperate areas along the terminator. Both night side and day side were uninhabitable.

“You were at the briefing, Wrex. You know why we’re here,” Shepard replied, tiredly.

The three of them lay in the lush green grass at the top of a rise, looking down over the tiny human settlement. There was no sign of life.

And all was changed… as in weird pantomime,
Transfigured into vague, fantastic form
By that tremendous carnival of storm.

“Sure, you get a tip off that some stupid pro-human group has been sending samples from that stupid human research company out here to the middle of no-where to some stupid human colony and because a bunch of stupid human scientists are worried, you’ve decided we need to check it out.”

“See, I knew you were listening,” Shepard smiled across at the giant krogan.

“Well at least you humans are consistent.” He eye-balled the commander to see if she’d react to the insult. Shepard quirked an eyebrow but otherwise ignored the jibe. He continued. “Here’s the bit I don’t get,” Wrex continued. “Isn’t there someone else that should be doing this?”

Ashley huffed air out of her nose. Wrex was right. On paper, this was not a job for the Normandy, but on the other hand, Ashley couldn’t dismiss the prickling sensation on the back of her neck. Something was very, very wrong here. She unclipped her sniper rifle and looked at the three buildings through the scope. There was nothing, nothing but a gentle stirring of the grass. Her mind snagged on something. She had learned to trust that feeling, so she carefully stilled her breathing and did a slow sweep with the rifle again.

This time she saw it. She knew what it was, and what it meant. “Dragon’s Teeth,” she said.

And goring horns that strove to charge the sky.

Shepard pulled out her own scope and peered down at the settlement. When she’d finished, she passed it over to Wrex. Ashley continued to hold on to hers, if anything, clutching the rifle slightly tighter. They were the same very tall spikes that Ashley had first seen on Eden Prime. She had watched geth load human corpses onto those goring horns. Alliance intel had suggested that they somehow inject nano particles into the body to create a fully automated husk. With sudden roar that made our bravest blanch, came volleying down in fatal avalanche. Zombie soldiers. The scientists were using this out-of-the way settlement as its base for study.

Katharine Lee Bates. Bates was just gone. Was Bates a husk somewhere, transfigured into vague, fantastic form?

Shepard stirred. “Ok. Let’s get back into the Mako. Given how quiet it is, we should assume the worst. My guess is we’re going to have a colony worth of husks to deal with. I don’t see any sign of geth, but we know they are connected somehow. Let’s not rule out the fact that we might be dealing with them as well. Don’t shoot humans unless they shoot first. I’ve got questions for any survivors.” It was her serious voice. Her mission voice.

Ashley shook herself. The poem had a happy ending. She just couldn’t, in that moment, remember it.

It wasn’t long before they were easing the Mako down the slope. As the ground levelled out beneath them, they saw the first husk. It lumbered towards them, oblivious to the danger it was in. Shepard unceremoniously eased the massive tyres over the top of the animated corpse and even through the heavy plating and environmental seals, all three of them heard the wet squelch and crunch of the once human body.

Ashley watched Shepard’s lip curl in revulsion. This moment was far removed from the heat of battle. She shuddered.

“I’m taking us back to the civilian buildings, first,” Shepard called over the rumbling engines. Ashley could easily pick up the concern in her voice through her earpiece. “Those things have gotten out of the research lab. People are in danger.” They sped across the flat terrain, knowing it could make all the difference. When they arrived, Shepard drove the Mako around the tiny complex. At last satisfied that there were no vast numbers of husks hiding in the shadows, they climbed out and eyed the door hatch.

Ashley had overseen the upgrade of their armour and installation of combat exoskeletons. She was fairly pleased with the heavy armour that she and Wrex were wearing but Shepard’s lighter armour always made her nervous. All three of them were armed with shotguns with extra gear tucked into their webbing. Shepard moved her grenades around for easy reach.

When all was ready, the commander turned to signal the other two, and opened the hatch. They found themselves in a typical prefabricated warehouse-style colony building. Large crates lined the wall, which was made of equally large clip-together white panels. Ashley’s mini-combat scanner was showing a lot of traffic in the next room. She looked over at Shepard who was eyeing her own more high-tech scanner with concern. They took cover on either side of the door and on Shepard’s signal Wrex barrelled straight in. Husks boiled out at them from all directions, and one got particularly close to Ashley. She could see the blue LED’s blinking at her from underneath rotted flesh even as she smashed in its skull with the butt of her shotgun. More kept coming. By the time it was over, the marines were all breathing heavily.

All nature seemed convulsed in some fierce crime. Ashley had not realised she had spoken those words aloud, but the commander looked over at her with concern. Shepard walked towards her.

“You ok?” Shepard asked her, casually flicking a piece of exploded flesh off her pauldron.

She wasn’t sure how to answer that question. She tried for a perky, “Sure am!” but before she had a chance to gauge Shepard’s reaction, Wrex was back, and impatient to get moving.

There were no survivors at the next civilian building either.

It was time to return to the research facility.

They walked down the brown tiled entrance hall to get to the internal door. There was little hope of survivors here, after what they had seen already, but it was possible that the scientists had known enough to take precautions; it was possible that they’d be able to save someone today. Ashley and Wrex stood to either side of the doorway, taking what shred of cover they could get, while Shepard sheltered behind them fiddling with her combat sensor. After a nod from the commander, Wrex thumped the entry pad and the door slid open. Inside, there was nowhere to take cover, and equally nowhere for enemies to hide, but in the middle of the room stood another three dragon’s teeth. The trio did a quick circuit, and when they were sure the area was clear, they moved further into the prefabricated compound. Shepard had them stop in a corridor off to one side and showed them the combat scanner which had identified a large number of potential combatants in the next room. Silently, they crept towards the doorway.

On Shepard’s signal they burst through the hatch, immediately swept right, and took up positions of cover. Wrex took point and immediately started throwing around his biotics, which allowed Shepard and Ashley to pick off the flailing husks with their shotguns. The fight was over incredibly quickly.

Shepard busied herself with the main computer. Ashley watched her fingers dance over the console and then over her omni-tool display. It was fascinating to watch this other side of her, to see another of the many things that made Shepard… Shepard. Commander-Tech-Wizard-Paragon-Spectre, Ashley thought with a smile.

Wrex stomped back towards them, just as the commander finished up. Ashley finally remembered the last part:

And then a rainbow, and behold! the sun
Went comforting the harebells one by one;

And all was still save for the vesper chime
From far, faint belfry bathed in creamy light,
And the soft footfalls of the coming night.

“So, we have two questions that need answering.” Garrus leaned forward in his chair looking around at the people gathered, as if daring someone to contradict him. “Who is Cerberus, and why are they messing around with reaper technology?”

“We don’t even know for sure that this is reaper technology. The council certainly doesn’t believe it is. The Alliance is blaming it on “Saren’s Geth.” Shepard said bitterly. She was wearing her frustrated face, but it changed to a guilty one as she looked to Garrus. Ashley watched the moment that Shepard realised she had taken her frustrations out on a teammate. She continued to watch as Shepard’s features rearranged themselves and softened. She gave him an apologetic look before adding, “You’re right though, Garrus. Who’s Cerberus? Why the tech?” She looked around the room, waiting for anyone to use the moment to speak. When no one did, she continued, “I sent reports to your omni-tools yesterday. I hope you have all had a chance to download and read them. They are the basic Alliance files on Cerberus, and they provide a pretty good overview of the kind of group we are likely to be dealing with.”

The meeting continued, salient points were discussed, and questions asked and answered.

“Even with the little we know,” Pressley said, “we can guess at their motives. They are funding research into weapons, organic and synthetic, to give humanity the edge over other species. As a secretive agency they are not bound by ethics and are so far managing to successfully evade the law. It could be that they are not linked to Saren or the reapers. They might just be stealing the technology and trying to utilise it.”

Ashley thought about the different colonies she had grown up in; Sirona, where she was born. It was too easy to imagine a research facility being invited in, after the promise of money and training for a different skilled set of jobs. It would have been exciting for the smaller colonies, so easy for the company to hide what they were really doing, the risks that they were taking, easier still to exploit the anti-alien sentiment that was rife in the colony worlds. Ashley knew she had fallen prey to that kind of racism. The kind that comes from ignorance. She hadn’t even met an alien before she’d found herself on the Citadel. She cringed at the memory of some of the terrible things she’d said, but she’d been raised with the stories of batarian raiders, warmongering turians, mind-stealing asari, and an uncaring Council that ignored the suffering of the human colonies. Ashley had believed, and still did to a lesser degree, that humanity should look after humanity first.

“Our priority remains the same, then. We are trying to locate Saren and the conduit. It is possible, due to our shared interests, that we will encounter Cerberus’ agents and if that happens, we will investigate and aim to stop their activities if possible. We will also pass on all our data about them to the Alliance. Garrus, Liara, Wrex, Tali, is this the kind of thing your governments would also be interested in?”

Again, Ashley found herself questioning the merits of handing such information over to alien governments. Aren’t these decisions best left to the Alliance? But then she looked over at the four alien crew members and observed the animated discussion taking place. She had grown fond of all of them. She decided once again, to trust Shepard’s judgement.

The meeting moved on.

“Did you learn anything new from the mind-meld?” Kaidan asked.

Ashley perked up, eager to learn of any new leads.

“Unfortunately, no,” Shepard admitted. “But Liara has been able to piece what information I have together in a way that makes sense.

Liara smiled back.

“Right, that’s everything, for now. Tomorrow you’ll get the file on Noveria. The rest of the night is yours.” Shepard turned to the asari beside her, “Actually Liara, can I see you for a bit?” When Liara nodded nervously, the commander tuned back to the group at large, “Dismissed.”

Garrus brushed her shoulder on the way out. “Cards, Williams?”

“After Wrex cleaned me out last time?” she grinned at him. “No thank you.”

“Aw, come on, Ashley. We won’t gang up on you this time,” Kaidan smiled his most winsome smile.

“I’ll loan you the sachets, Ash. These Bosh’tets can’t count past five. You were just unlucky.”

Ashley turned her head to find Shepard was looking towards her from across the room. She was still talking to Liara but staring off into the middle distance. Ashley could not even be sure that Shepard was aware she was doing it. Ashley watched as Liara said something and Shepard pulled her attention back to the asari to comfort her.

Without Shepard’s gaze holding her in place, Ashley allowed herself to be led away by her friends.

Chapter Text

Ashley dropped the oily rag onto the bench and returned the rifle to its case. She enjoyed her work in the armoury; enjoyed organising requisitions and armour and weapons. The look of pleasure on Liara’s face as she had slipped into the armour Ash had found and prepared for her, had given her an immense feeling of satisfaction. She had been surprised at the ease with which the asari archaeologist had adjusted to military life, then again, when you’ve been around for a hundred years it’s not surprising that you’d pick up a few tricks. This trip was going to be tough on her though. If they did manage to track Matriarch Benezia down, Ashley wasn’t at all confident that the confrontation would go well and the fear of what was to come was taking a toll on her friend. She had barely left her room behind the med bay since she’d been told about the mission. It was time to check in on her.

She collected Wrex and Garrus on her way. They were both terrible at sticking to their timetables; Wrex due to some misguided sense of rebellion and Garrus due to some sort of obsession with finishing whatever task he had started. It was almost absentmindedness on his part. She bustled them into the elevator and once again marvelled that it should be so slow on a ship as new as this one. If she’d been by herself, she would have climbed the service ladder, but it had been designed to fit humans and turians. Wrex was obliged to climb into the slow-moving crate whenever he moved to and from the lower levels, but rather than let it bother him, the krogan seemed to take perverse pride in it. He had often teased Ashley as she climbed the ladder. “That’s right, little pyjak, into your hole you go. Heh, heh.”

When they arrived, the mess was full and bustling. People were eagerly packing calories into their bodies in preparation for landing on Noveria. It finally felt like they were getting somewhere, and the voices were high and light-hearted. Kaiden waved them over to where he was sitting but it was difficult to navigate through the crowded space. Ashley sent Wrex and Garrus to find a spot and she went to pick up the appropriate meal packs, greeting people as she went. She took the two trays over to where the trio were now sitting, squeezed together on a bench, and made her excuses. On her way out she picked up another pair of trays and went in search of Liara.

The medical bay was empty. The lights flickered on with Ashley’s arrival. The cold sterility of the place was vastly different to the environment of the shuttle bay and Ashley was suddenly very conscious of the gun oil still beneath her fingernails. She placed the trays down and made use of the medical grade soap to clean and scrub her hands. She took her time. Liara was always meticulous about her appearance, for all that she enjoyed digging about in the dirt for her studies, and Ashley’s father had often said that the art of fitting in was mostly about doing as Romans do. She heard the door behind her open, so she picked up the trays expecting to see Liara. Instead, it was Shepard smiling at her. There was something very warm about her smile in that moment, and in the way her brown eyes sparkled. Ashley couldn’t help but return the look with a toothy smile of her own.

“I better get up to the cockpit,” Shepard said, eyeing the two trays, the smile never leaving her eyes. “Everything at your end ready to go?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Ashley let her own smile creep into her voice.

Shepard cocked an eyebrow, “Well, all right then. I’ll be seeing you soon.”

Ashley watched Shepard leave. She inhaled deeply before breathing the air out of her nose, squared her shoulders, and turned towards Liara’s door.

Liara’s cabin was even more empty than Shepard’s, but at least Shepard’s was a purpose-built space. It had a small comms area and a desk. It looked lived in, and it contained… something. A soul… or something. But this was a storage area. Heavy crates were stacked and strapped against the wall. There was nothing at all in view that belonged to Liara, except datapads. It made Ashley feel incredibly sad. She could not have said why. Marines typically aren’t allowed personal space on board frigates, and they quickly learn to live without bulky personal items, but there, in that grey, empty, soulless space, Liara seemed incredibly small.

She smiled weakly, “Oh, thank you, Ashley.”

They ate side by side in companionable silence.

“How are you doing?” Ashley asked, watching the asari carefully to be sure her direct line of questioning hadn’t offended her friend.

“Oh, you know, I’m not sure what I feel or how I am supposed to feel. My mother would never do those things. I must see her, to find out what has happened to change her from the mother I loved to the woman responsible for… for….”

Liara’s piping voice stuttered to a halt.

“I’m so sorry, Liara.” She took Liara’s blue hand in her own. Ashley felt incredibly inadequate. She searched for something, anything to say. “We’ll look after you out there. Shepard will do her best for your mother.”

“I know. Shepard has been—”

“Normandy, we are entering Noveria’s atmosphere. Please prepare to dock. Shore party to assemble. Updated instructions have been sent to your omni-tools. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Have a wonderful day.” Joker’s comm messages were not exactly military standard, but he got the essential information across well enough.

Liara and Ashley’s omni-tools buzzed simultaneously. They had less than an hour to make their final preparations and get battle ready. Shepard insisted they wear full armour for this mission; in fact, any mission where there was a chance of a skirmish. She believed that if you went in looking ready for a fight and then acted completely reasonably, people were often so grateful they’d supply more than they ordinarily would have. If things did go sideways and fighting was required, you were ready for it.

“Liara, I better get going and give people a hand with the new stuff. I’ll see you down there when you are ready?” She made the last part a question, knowing that Liara might need more time alone.

“Yes. I’ll see you soon.”

Ashley gathered up the trays. She dropped them off to the mess and grasped the maintenance ladder with a childish glee that she had never really grown out of. Her boots and callused hands pressed into the rails. She had done this too many times to feel any pain of friction as the rungs blurred past and she slid between the levels. Her knees bent gracefully to take the impact. As she stepped away from the ladder, she turned in time to see Shepard and Garrus watching. She was suddenly grateful it had been a perfectly executed dismount. Not two days ago, she’d misjudged and jarred her knees. Shepard looked away, but Ashley was sure she had seen a grin.

It was time to get to work.

She went from person to person checking that they had what they needed and that the armour was snug and wasn’t going to pinch or rub. She talked Shepard through the options for ammo and showed Liara the new pistols. Finally, everything else was tidied away or locked in cases and it was time to dock. The other two were already waiting when Ashley made it to the crew deck. Shepard excused herself, presumably to head to the cockpit or to leave her final instructions with Pressley. Ashley made herself comfortable, leaning forward so she could look through the viewport. She would never get tired of looking out of these windows. Even as a kid she’d dreamed of serving on a ship, seeing the stars, serving the Alliance, meeting new people, fighting for humanity’s interests.

She turned to face Liara. “Do you ever miss being an archaeologist?”

“Of course. But stopping the Reapers is more important. It feels good knowing I can offer something. That there is something I can do to help. Going back to my studies and feeling powerless to stop what is coming would be much worse.”

Ashley let that digest. She supposed that was why she loved the military. Sure, there was a lot of doing nothing and waiting, but most of the time you at least felt like you were serving some noble purpose, some greater good. Ashley very much believed in serving higher powers and the greater good. On reflection, the teachings of the Catholic church had set her family up nicely for their military training. She turned back to the viewport to see a raging blizzard. She wondered if the asari had a religion that would offer Liara some comfort. She was about to ask but was interrupted by the ship docking and Shepard’s return.

She let the VI’s familiar voice wash over her as it informed the crew that XO Pressley would be in command during Shepard’s absence. It was familiar and comforting. It helped put Ashley into a relaxed state of readiness. The trio walked out of the airlock and onto Port Hanshan. It was quiet for a port, but there was cargo everywhere that spoke of work that had stopped recently, or that would soon begin. Shepard led them confidently along the walkway. Their heavy footsteps echoed off the hard surfaces of the hangar. Finally, beyond a concrete arch, Ashley saw a party of three waiting for them. The human in the middle appeared to be unarmed but was flanked by a human and a turian, both armed, all three were wearing combat armour. Ashley was instantly wary.

When groups of people meet for the first time, it’s a dance. People move in mostly predictable ways, as they get a feel for each other, sometimes the dance leaves you knowing your partner better, or wanting to know them better. This dance was not like that. No one was acting predictably. The group from Hanshan was on edge, acting twitchy, clearly suspicious of the Normandy crew. Shepard could be relied upon to ease tensions in moments like this.

Shepard pulled out her gun. Ashley saw Liara’s biotics flair as she automatically raised her own pistol. She was quietly impressed by the control shown by the Elanus security team. It was easy for people who aren’t properly combat trained to get overly excited. Ashley had a deep mistrust of people who got excited while holding guns; always a little too keen to pull the trigger. Luckily, these people were willing to wait for Shepard to decide what to do. She clearly wasn’t in the mood for diplomacy and Ash was here to support her.

“Back away. Nice and slow.” Ashley tried to instil a confidence in her voice that she wasn’t really feeling.

The two groups eyed each other as the silence stretched on. Shepard lowered her gun and at last seemed willing to hand their weapons over. It would only have been a token gesture. The Normandy was a warship and armed to the teeth, had weapons been required.

“Stand down. Their house; their rules.” Shepard said calmly, as if it been Liara and Ashley who had lost control. Ashley could not work out what was going on. Shepard was normally much more collected than this. Normally much better at deescalating situations. This had been unnecessarily dangerous.

“Captain Matsuo, stand down. We confirmed their identity. Spectres are authorised to carry weapons here, Captain.”

“You may proceed, Spectre. I hope the rest of your visit will be less confrontational.” Ashley silently agreed. “Parasini san will meet you upstairs. Behave yourselves.”

And just like that, they were dismissed like naughty children. The blizzard continued to rage outside. Ashley felt cold and confused.

Gianna Parasini was the most attractive woman Ash had ever met. Her voice was like melted butter. Her dress was modest but perfectly fitted to her frame and Ashley struggled to stop looking at her hands. They were long fingered and graceful, and she wore a ring that drew attention to the sensual curves of her thumb. Ashley was incredibly grateful Parasini seemed not to have noticed her staring. Her eyes sparkled as she smiled, giving the commander her full attention. Shepard, for her part, was back to being her most professional self. She was not above flirting a little if it got her what she wanted, but Parasini did not seem to require her to work too hard. Peak 15 was where Benezia had headed, so Peak 15 was where they were going. In a snowstorm. They were just working through the bureaucratic loopholes required to get them there. Ashley felt her mind wandering again. It had been a bit of a shock finding out that Parasini had been working undercover for Noveria Internal Affairs. Ashley had enjoyed helping her take down a load of corrupt security personnel, and convincing Qui’in to testify against Anoleis had been a nice touch, but now it felt like a distraction. Finally, Parasini had what she wanted and handed over the pass to the garage.

“See you round the galaxy, Commander. I owe you a beer.”

Ashley wondered if it would be worth trying to wear her hair down.

The moment the garage door was opened, Ashley felt a prickle on her neck. The others were clearly just as ill at ease. Liara’s biotics flared and Shepard pulled out her pistol. Ashley’s assault rifle was in her hands before she’d even had time to fully register what was happening. She thought she heard a mechanical whirr, and before she could feel confident that she knew where it had come from, she saw two huge geth looming in front of them. There was no time for instructions, the geth immediately began firing on them, Ashley dove for cover and checked Liara had done the same. She couldn’t see where Shepard had dived to, but she was more than capable of looking after herself. The fire fight did not take long. Her squad was too well armed and armoured for a drawn-out battle with a couple of machines with legs. Still, there was a long pause once the last geth went down. The squad listened carefully for sounds of others. Instead, they heard the garage door open. Maeko Matsuo and some of her guards had arrived, no doubt drawn by the sound of gunshots. Ashley decided to let Shepard and Liara handle that one. She wasn’t feeling particularly good. She looked down to see her hands were shaking. Jesus, Ashley. Get it together. She looked back to check that the others were still occupied. They were quite engrossed and there seemed to be some minor disagreement taking place. Shepard hadn’t seemed to notice she was missing. She felt her body begin to shake. Ashley Madeline Williams you need to calm the fuck d—. She had time to feel herself heave before she vomited between the tyres of the M29 Grizzly she’d been crouched beside. This is not Eden Prime. You’re with Shepard and Liara. You can do this. A tear trickled down her face and she wiped it roughly away. She stood gingerly. Then walked slowly and carefully away from the group, away from the incriminating puddle she’d left. She felt a momentary pang of guilt for whoever was going to be given the job of clean up. Breathing in and out slowly, she kept walking towards the massive hangar doors. Parked in front was a Mako, the one they’d been given to drive to Peak 15. Idiot. She walked slowly around the Mako, mentally imitating Garrus’ inspections. She felt calmer. Breathe in… and out. She heard the clanking of armoured people approaching and steeled herself before turning to look. Shepard looked grim and Liara looked ashen.

“Everything ok?” Shepard and Ashley asked each other simultaneously. There was no humour at all in the look they shared.

“My mother is almost certainly still on Peak 15. It is also likely she is responsible for smuggling the geth onto Noveria,” Liara answered.

What was there to say to that?

Ashley looked down at her feet and felt rather than saw Shepard’s gaze sweep over her. When Ashley raised her eyes, she could see that Shepard’s were watching her hands closely. Ashley did her own visual assessment and was pleased to see they had stopped shaking.

Ashley gripped Liara’s shoulder in sympathy and led the way to the Mako’s entry hatch. It was time to head into the blizzard.

Chapter Text

The turrets were pointing the wrong way. Ashley felt her stomach drop. Something terrible had happened here. The sticky snow clung to her combat boots and every step felt much heavier than it should have, as they made their way up to the entry hatch, all three on high alert, all three tense and listening. The storm made it impossible to hear anything inside, but as they got closer their combat sensors told them that they would be walking into heavy fire. Geth were everywhere. They slammed through the door in an attempt to surprise the androids. How do you even begin to surprise an advanced artificial intelligence? Ashley wondered. You just have to be faster, keep moving and keep adapting. She moved quickly along the perimeter, never letting herself get pinned down, taking out one robot after the other. She kept a careful eye on Liara. She seemed to be holding her own nicely, relying heavily on her biotics, and working in tandem with Shepard.

There was something, some things, on the upper level. Ashley ducked down beneath some cover and pulled out her rifle to peer through the scope. Cockroaches. Massive cockroaches. She didn’t spend a lot of time questioning it, instead, pulling the trigger again and again. This is why Benezia had brought the geth, and why the turrets were pointing towards the base. They were trying to contain these monsters. Her rifle boomed a final time, and all was still. She checked her helmet’s HUD and saw that they had all survived unscathed. Ashley climbed to her feet, slipping her rifle back over her shoulder and pulling out her pistol. She joined the others as they slowly walked towards one of the giant arachnids. The sound of the ice crunching beneath each footstep echoed loudly in her ears. A green liquid splattered out from the creature’s head. Some sort of acid. It had eaten away at some of the nearby metal surfaces. She pointed it out to the others and Shepard nodded. She’d already known.

Their search took them up in an elevator. It was a relief to be away from the cold and snow. Ashley stomped her boots to free them. Shepard checked and stowed her weapons and Liara flexed her fingers, but no one said a word. Eventually, the doors opened. Ashley’s finger stroked the trigger on her pistol as they walked through yet another doorway. This room contained a series of servers and terminals that Ashley couldn’t even begin to understand, the many entrances and exits made her nervous. She hadn’t even begun to get her bearings before she became aware of a frightening scuttling noise. Green bugs, the size of chickens, were rushing towards them. All three of them began firing wildly, picking them off one at a time, but Ashley who had taken point was hit by a spray of acid when one got too close. She could hear the hiss as it began to eat through the ceramic plating above her knee, so she quickly knelt to remove the plate, her shaking fingers fumbling against the clasps. It was through to her underarmour and she could feel her skin burning with a sudden fire. She yelped and felt herself drop to the ground still scrabbling uselessly at the plates. Shepard was there. She had removed her helmet so Ashley could see her eyes were wide with concern, but she couldn’t hear what Shepard was saying. It was as if her ears were filled with the roaring of waves. She felt her hands being roughly pushed away, and the plates removed from her leg, then felt cool relief and knew medi-gel had been applied to her open wound. She sucked in a breath and brought her panic under control. Ashley watched as the cloth and padding was cut away to reveal a perfectly manageable flesh wound.

Shepard’s hair had fallen across her face in a way that Ashley found quite distracting. No longer in pain, she found herself very aware of Shepard’s movements, how close she was, how fast and competant. Ashley sat up higher, and reached out to help apply pressure as Shepard applied the bandage. Their gaunleted fingers clacked together and then Shepard’s brown eyes were looking directly into her own. Ashley saw a heady mix of concern and relief, a gaze that lasted an eternity. Shepard’s eyes flicked lower; they focussed on Ashley’s lips, and held there. Another eternity. Ashley could hear her pulse thudding loudly in her ears but a sudden movement, and Shepard was standing, motioning Liara over to help. She felt dizzy and disorientated in a way that had nothing to do with her leg. Shepard pulled her into a standing position and then took a measured step away. She cocked her head and motioned Ashley to walk a few paces so she could assess the injury. The medi-gel had worked its magic and Ashley felt quite comfortable.

Shepard left them. She was going to attempt to get the station’s critical systems back on line. Looking around Ashley couldn’t help but feel awed at the quality of the building and infrastructure. A lot of money had been spent on this barely habitable wasteland. She had to remember to ask Garrus about Noveria Development Coorperation on their return to the ship. Lighting panels lit the space in a way that was both useful and asthetically pleasing, the grey walls contrasted with the bright orange signs and it reminded her a little bit of the administration building on Sirona (the colony where she was born). Most of the colony planets where she’d lived blurred together a little bit, but Sirona had always stood out. Some of her most powerful childhood memories happened there. She turned to look over at Liara. She wanted to see how her friend was doing without, once again, asking that same question.

“Why would my mother have come here?” Liara asked, appearing to read her mind.

“You might get a chance to ask her.” Goddam foot in mouth. Why make it sound inevitable that things would go badly?

Liara stood still for a moment.

“I have watched you watching Shepard. She watches you in the same way. I do not yet have a full understanding of human body language but from what I have observed there seem to be subtle differences in the way that you observe each other compared with the way you each observe the rest of the crew.” That was one hell of a subject change. Her words were clipped and careful. But that didn’t stop it from taking Ashley right back to high school. Or her sister’s message about Kaiden for that matter.

Ashley swallowed while she tried to gather her thoughts. Did she look at Shepard differently? She remembered the way Shepard had leaned over her, just minutes ago. The way her hair fell, and the smell of her shampoo. She felt her chest constrict. Oh shit. Ashley felt the heat rise in her cheeks. But how do you begin to explain power imbalances and alliance regulations to an asari?

“I have upset you.” The blue woman was looking at her, concerned.

“I—” Oh thank God. Shepard was back. Ashley did not have to work out how to finish the sentence. She felt unbalanced and fidgety. And suddenly found she didn’t know where to look. She was also very aware that she could not remember how she would normally look at people. She pretended to scan for encroaching enemies. She felt, rather than saw, Shepard eyeing them strangely.

“I’ve reactivated the core. Ready to keep going?”

Liara and Ashley looked at each other, each trying to read the other’s expressions and both finding it impossible.

Ashley was bone tired. She knelt over the body of a young man, not much more than a boy, really. He had taken his own life, alone, rather than come face to face with the monsters that had been waiting for him. Just some salarian kid, working on a science station and light years from home. Somewhere out there was probably a mother who loved him, some brothers and sisters, a father. It had been an excruciating mission and they were nowhere near where they needed to be yet. They had made repairs to the Peak 15 station, fought geth of all shapes and sizes, and killed countless numbers of bugs, big and small. Though admittedly, when fighting bugs like this, size becomes relative.

They left the boy and walked carefully to the tram. All three had guns raised; Ashley’s shotgun felt heavy in her arms. She assessed the state of the tram’s interior and finding it clear, called the other two inside. With the tram doors shut, they could relax for a bit. Ashley slumped into a chair and pulled out a ration pack. She was suddenly ravenous. She threw a bar each to the other two and ate hers in silence, her eyes closed, and she leaned back comfortably. It would be some time before they arrived at Rift Station. She felt the durable plastic bench shift as someone sat beside her, but she didn’t open her eyes or move herself to make more room. She could hear her companions close by, settling themselves. They had the whole carriage to spread out in but during a battle it was natural to want to stay close together. Her leg was throbbing.

She woke when the tram stopped.

Liara was leaning forward on the bench facing hers. She and Shepard had stayed awake and had been talking in hushed tones. Shepard smiled down at her and Ashley braced herself for the traditional military jibe about dribbling, snoring, or sleep talking. But no joke was forthcoming. Instead, Shepard helped her to her feet, and they all worked together to gather their weapons and don helmets. Climbing off the tram was uneventful, the way was clear. Rather than head straight to the Hot Labs, Shepard made the decision to track down survivors. Following a map, they headed towards what looked to be the most likely area of the station. It was tricky walking into what was potentially a combat zone, without any way of communicating your intentions to the people you were there to help.

Shepard went for a direct approach. She walked towards the doors and called out, “My name is Commander Shepard. I’m here to help.”

It proved to be an effective tactic. At least at first.

Ashley heard the sounds of a lot of weapons being lowered. A Captain Ventralis greeted them. Shepard went straight to work, soothing his ego and gaining as much information as she could about the labs, Benezia, and the situation in general. Shepard knew exactly how to use her charm and good looks to ease people into oversharing. It was a skill Ashley had never mastered. She and Liara separated themselves to watch the perimeter. Ashley could hear strange noises in the vents, but in this unfamiliar place she didn’t know what noises she should be worried about, and which were part of the normal ambiance of the place. She looked at the tired soldiers and civilians around her. They looked dirty, and harried. It was obvious none of them had slept in a long time. Too many of the soldiers looked wild. It was the look you get after too many days and nights on stims. Stims are great for keeping you awake if you need to for a bit longer than normal but take too many for too long and you start to go crazy. These people looked like that: right on the edge of crazy. Ashley’s grip tightened on her pistol. She heard a noise, like a fork scraping on a porcelain plate. The soldiers moved in startled unison. Civilians pressed themselves into corners. A grate burst open, and a monstrous bug climbed into the room. Ashley didn’t hesitate, she began shooting as a second cockroach followed it up. Biotics flared beside her, then all was quiet once again.

They worked their way through the station, helping where they could, trying to ally themselves with someone who would lead them to the matriarch, but everyone was tense and suspicious. Even clearing the Hot Labs of murder bugs did nothing to ease the tension. The most open and honest person was a volus called Han Olar. He didn’t seem to care anymore about the non-disclosure agreement he must have signed, and he gave them a name for the bugs: rachni. Nightmare creatures from campfire stories. His account was hard to listen to. He was in the midst of his grief, and he retold the events in graphic detail. His voice was calm and slow; almost hypnotic. His company had found an egg, hatched it, bought the queen of the rachni back from the dead, and she had built them an army, but one they couldn’t control. One that was running lose on Noveria. In contrast to this relative honesty, the only asari on the base was aggressively tight-lipped. Ashley found the way she was just loitering and watching to be deeply suspicious. In the end, Shepard decided that a direct approach wasn’t going to work and might lead them into more trouble. Han Olar directed them to a maintenance shaft; the hope was that it would take them straight to the area where Benezia was known to have been working. They decided against alerting anyone else at Rift Station of their plans, they didn’t want to walk into an ambush. That’s what it felt like here. Instead of gratitude, they were getting suspicious questions and angry stares. It was time to make their own way.

The maintenance shaft was exposed to the elements and filled with snow drifts. Their boots crunched once again, and Ashley’s thigh began to scream in protest. Icicles hung from the ceiling and the sound of dripping water filled the cavernous walkway. Liara was in front and keeping a brutal pace. No doubt keen to be the first to confront her mother, to protect her from the two marines who followed her. Ashley would take Shepard’s lead. Whatever happened. When the asari’s biotics created a purple corona around the woman, Ashley knew something was wrong. A rachni was scuttling towards them. It was making that same awful noise, and in that quiet space it felt as if the sound was physically penetrating Ashley’s skull. The three soldiers unleashed their weapons as one, and the rachni crumpled into a heap, its acidic spit landing harmlessly in the snow at their feet. The sound of icicles melting filled the silence once more.

Benezia stood on an elevated platform. She was dressed in black and wore a strange headdress that reminded Ashley, uncharitably, of the rachni’s antenna. Liara stepped forward into the light so that her mother might recognise her more easily, but the matriarch barely acknowledged her.

“You do not know the privilege of being a mother. There is power in creation. To shape a life towards happiness or despair. Her children were to be ours, raised to hunt and slay Saren’s enemies. I won’t be moved by sympathy no matter who you bring into this confrontation.”

Liara flinched.

It was an odd speech, and things quickly descended into madness.

“Have you faced an asari commando unit before? Few humans have.”

“I can’t believe you’d kill your own daughter,” Shepard answered, looking to Liara to gauge her readiness for the fight to come.

Ashley inched behind some cover in the corner. She wanted to protect her unshielded leg and give herself a place to prop her sniper rifle. This corner looked as good as any place to begin the battle, but before she could ready her sights, she found herself trapped in an impossibly strong, invisible grip. It was terrifying. She watched as asari commandos moved confidently into positions around her squad. They were powerless to do anything. Shepard and Liara were still as well, caught in the same field. Ashley felt her arms move at the same time as the asari around her started to use their biotics, Liara managed to sweep a couple of them into the air and Shepard picked them off. Ashley took careful aim at Benezia. She whispered a silent prayer that Liara would forgive her; and fired. The space around the matriarch rippled but her shield held. Ashley fired twice more before she accepted that the asari was too powerful. She turned her attention to a new wave of attackers.

Geth came pouring in from an entrance in the opposite corner as did more asari commandos, Shepard gave the signal and the squad spread out, it would be all too easy to get pinned down or find yourself attacked from two sides. Ashley realised that the matriarch wasn’t attacking, instead most of her energy seemed to be going into maintaining her biotic shields. Ashley crept up the stairs and began slowly picking off attackers from her elevated position, keeping a crate between herself and the matriarch just in case the woman’s tactics changed. They didn’t even have control of the battle before yet more reinforcements came bursting in. More geth. A destroyer, five troopers, a shock trooper and a sniper all joined the fray. Ashley’s HUD warned her that her shields were dangerously low, so she adjusted her position to ready herself. She’d need to find better cover, fast. She signalled Shepard to explain her intentions and was immediately given cover fire. She ran. Bullets pinged off her shields and she felt an impact shove her leg out from underneath her, she was thrown forward so used her momentum to get herself the rest of the way into cover. Damned robots must have noticed the gap in her armour. They’d shot her in the leg. Her armour pinged her squad, so they would know what had happened. It was their job to keep the geth away long enough so that she could tend to the damage herself. She ripped open a dose of medi-gel and poured it liberally into the wound. Once she was sure of her patch job, she re-joined the fight.

It felt like an age, but from there the entire battle only lasted a few minutes. Liara was able to freeze a frog-like geth sniper, which Ashley picked off, while Shepard took out the final trooper. There was only Benezia left. Shepard was in the mood to let her talk, so Ashley leant herself against some machinery to rest her leg. The more she listened, the more Ashley found herself pitying the woman. She appeared to be under some sort of mind control, that or she was just mad. She’d be coherent and loving toward Liara one moment and spouting incoherent ramblings the next. She was twitchy and didn’t seem entirely in control of her body’s movements. Tears streamed unabashedly down Liara’s face. Ashley realised she did not want to kill this woman. As she talked, she became calmer, and as she described her indoctrination, Ashley found herself leaning forward to listen. She described her mission to find the Mu relay; finding out about, and using, the rachni queen for her knowledge, and the army she’d spawned; transcribing her findings to OSD; her longing to bring an end to Saren but being powerless to fight him. She explained everything. Then handed Shepard that same OSD. Ashley was transfixed. Until she noticed that Benezia was starting to twitch again. She reluctantly lifted her pistol and shifted her weight to manage the recoil. Benezia continued to struggle against her mental bonds. The asari matriarch had time to say her last words to her distraught daughter, before she drew herself up, tall, proud, and powerful.

“Die,” she said in a deep voice, completely free of colour and expression.

Ashley didn’t hesitate. She popped off a few rounds before flinging herself towards Liara. Her asari friend hadn’t yet moved. Shepard was left to take the brunt of the attack.

“Liara,” Ashley spoke to her through gritted teeth, but trying to sound reassuring and gentle, “Can you manage to put up a shield?” Shepard was being hit hard, but Ashley didn’t want to ask Liara to try to take out her own mother.

Liara nodded.

Ashley stepped carefully in front of Liara to protect her from what would come next. Benezia, already wounded as she was, wouldn’t last long. Together, Shepard and Ashley launched their attack on their friend’s mother. Benezia stopped fighting and dropped her barrier in surrender. Shepard lunged forward to catch her as she fell and said the kinds of words that soldiers say to other soldiers when they know the situation is hopeless. Liara crashed her way forward, hurling off her helmet. She knelt to cradle the older woman’s body, sobbing hopelessly.

“Good night, Little Wing. I will see you again with the dawn.”

“No!” Liara screamed; the sound was dreadful. It echoed harshly, bouncing off the walls and then repeated in Ashley’s own mind. No! No! No!

Ashley removed her own helmet and joined Liara on the ground. Liara cried into her hair when Ashley took her into an awkward embrace. She let Liara sit with her grief, oblivious to everything else.

Slowly, Liara’s breathing steadied. Ashley became aware of other noises. Voices. She felt for her pistol. Liara too, seemed to become aware of the danger. They leapt to their feet, and Ashley nearly fell when her leg failed to take her weight.

The tableau before them was impossible to understand. Shepard was leaning against a huge glass tank, looking in at the biggest rachni Ash had seen today. It was colossal. Behind Shepard, an asari commando, one of the ones that Ashley had presumed dead was standing, and talking in a strange, deep, and accented voice. The asari wasn’t looking at Shepard, and Shepard wasn’t looking at the dead asari, but they were talking to each other. Liara looked at Ashley with an expression of bewilderment, as if she thought Ash would make sense of it all. They walked closer to listen. Like the plant on Feros, the rachni was using the asari’s mind-meld abilities to communicate and it was clear that this rachni wanted to live. Much to Ashley’s horror, Shepard seemed perfectly happy with that idea. Liara too, having just watched the awful death of her mother, seemed unhappy to kill another sentient being today. Shepard walked around to join them, and to face the asari who spoke with the rachni queen’s voice.

“…I don’t know what happened in the war,” the voice said. “We only heard discordance. Songs the colour of oily shadows.” Ashley listened to the poetry in the words and stopped seeing a monster. “…without a mother, the children are lost to silence. You should not sing of them in grey and violet. We would have stilled them ourselves.”

“I won’t destroy your entire race. You’ll go free.”

“You—,” the asari in front of them twitched, a grotesque marionette. “You will give us a chance to sing our song anew? We will remember. We will sing of your forgiveness to our children.”

Shepard took some time looking over the control panel. Then she confidently typed in a code. The whole case moved, and a vent opened freeing the queen into the sky outside. Ashley had time to marvel at the wonder of it all before her leg collapsed completely and she fell to the ground.

Chapter Text

“We could take her to the doctor here.”

“I just don’t like it. None of those people feel right. I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could—. Hey, you’re back.”

Ashley had fallen next to Benezia’s body. Her head was pounding, and she could feel the rough floor digging into the back of her head. She sat up and waited patiently for the room to stop spinning. Shepard waved her omni-tool over Ash’s body, noticeably slowing when she reached the bandage.

“You need to keep that leg raised.” Shepard told her, gently. Ashley watched her bend down and as she did, she raised her eyebrow, wordlessly asking permission. At Ashley’s nod, Shepard lifted the leg and rested Ashley’s foot casually against her own thigh. Liara and Shepard watched her closely for a little bit. It made her feel awkward, self-conscious. It was a rookie mistake to collapse like that; common after that kind of injury to pass out once the adrenaline has left the system. Liara and Shepard eventually stopped paying any particular attention to her, in fact, Shepard began resting her arm on Ashley’s foot as if it were furniture. They were discussing what to do with Benezia’s body.

“Shepard, asari do not see the body as being particularly important after death.”

“But surely we should—”

“I imagine it can all be organised when we return to Port Hanshan.” Liara sounded firm. Shepard, in contrast, sounded frustrated. Ashley could not contribute here. Catholic values are not asari values; her beliefs had no place. Still, out of habit more than anything Ashley found herself mentally reciting the prayer for the faithful departed. Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them.  May their souls and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen. She immediately felt ridiculous. She scratched the back of her head in frustration. There was something there, underneath her head. She flinched with her whole body as she remembered the baby rachni, but settled as she realised it didn’t sound or feel organic. She tugged at the thing tangled in her hair and pulled it out. It was a necklace. A beautiful one. The pendant was silvery but made of an unfamiliar metal that was almost pearlescent. It had soft curls like a seashell; from some angles it looked like a woman with her arms stretched out to either side, and from other angles it looked nothing like that at all. It might have been Benezia’s. Ashley decided to give it to Liara, but she and Shepard were still discussing their next moves and the potential logistics of returning to Port Hanshan. It did not look like a good time to interrupt. Ashley lay quietly.

“We’re taking the tram back. Just through these doors. Think you can make it?”

There was only one answer to that. Ashley rolled to her feet. Liara gathered up her weapons. Shepard collected her helmet. They left Benezia, without looking back.

They shared a compartment again. Ashley was on the floor once more, Shepard cradling her raised leg; Liara sat opposite Shepard; no doubt lost in thoughts of her mother and the happy years they had spent together, that life brought to such a violent end. Ashley looked up at Liara from her prone position and reached up behind her head to awkwardly pat Liara on the knee. Liara seemed suddenly aware of her surroundings. She looked down at Ash expectantly so Ash let the necklace drop softly into the asari’s lap. Liara’s face immediately transformed. It crumpled. She turned to Ash with moist eyes and grasped Ash’s hand tightly with her own. There would be time enough for grief and apologies, time when they didn’t feel so raw, so stretched thin. Shepard’s eyes were closed and she was breathing softly. Ashley wiggled herself into a more comfortable position, careful not to jostle the sleeping commander and allowed her breathing to relax. Her combat scanner showed no hostiles as they zipped through the tunnels, but Ashley found herself listening for the scraping sound of a fork on a plate despite that.

There was very little to distract her from her thoughts. It was unlikely that Liara would be fit for combat duty for a long while. That kind of trauma leaves a scar on the soul that takes time to heal; the kind that might never heal completely. Ashley’s own recovery would also take some time. She waved her omni-tool over her leg and the med program showed muscles, bones, veins, and arteries, as well as the slug that was lodged in her thigh. Ashley had been extremely lucky. And stupid. There had been armour scattered throughout that complex, they might have even managed to buy some from the elcor on Rift Station. She rubbed her forehead in self-recrimination and sighed through her nose. The tram continued inexorably on through the dimly lit tunnels. Liara was almost entirely still except for her hands which rubbed the edges of the pendant. The tram was uniformly grey, hard plastic and metal with softened edges. She tried to imagine workers on their morning commute, exchanging pleasantries with friends and co-workers, the smell of warm coffee mingling with other human smells. The carriage was surprisingly clean. For all the life held within its fabricated walls each day, there wasn’t a scuff mark or crumpled coffee lid in sight. Not for the first time, Ashley found herself marvelling at human ingenuity. And human folly.

The tram began to gently decelerate. Ashley almost didn’t notice it at first. It was the change in temperature that first warned her they were getting close to Peak 15, then the quality of light changed. Daylight streamed in through the tram windows. The light blazed in uninvited, violating the calm of the sanctuary they had created, it bounced dazzlingly off the grey surfaces turning them a blinding white. When it reached Liara’s pendant it morphed it into a radiant dragonfly that cast rainbows onto Liara’s white armour and when it reached Shepard’s face it stopped. It was if the light had found a home for itself. It bathed her in golden luminescence. Ashley suddenly remembered her favourite Yanagihara quote: Beautiful people make even those of us who proudly consider ourselves unmoved by another’s appearance dumb with admiration and fear and delight, and struck by the profound, enervating awareness of how inadequate we are, how nothing, not intelligence or education or money, can usurp or overpower or deny beauty. Shepard’s eyes flew open and met Ashley’s gaze.

“Thank God you’re awake. Your snoring sounds like the old tractor we once had on our farm,” Ashley told her.

Shepard snorted indelicately. “You didn’t grow up on a farm.”

Ashley cocked an eyebrow and offered a lopsided grin.

They put extra wrapping around Ashley’s leg to protect it from the cold. The environmental seals and climate control elements would not be operating particularly effectively due to the missing plate. They walked with Liara between them, as a protective guard. Getting to the other side of the station was uneventful, but both Ashley and Shepard eyed their scanners restlessly, unwilling to believe that that horrific, sprawling mission was almost over. The trio climbed into the Port Hanshan Mako and began their drive back to the Normandy.

The ceiling lights were too bright. She came to herself slowly, drunkenly.

“Commander Shepard?”

“I’m here.” Ashley felt movement beside her. Felt a warm hand squeeze her own, and she returned to the darkness.

“Chief Williams, I'm sure you believe that you're a tank, but you need to start thinking.” Ashley’s head was bowed, and Doctor Karen Chakwas continued her tirade, unchecked. “It was a military outpost. You could have had your pick of replacement armour. You are lucky to still have a leg. I thought geth fired lasers.”

“Phasic rounds,” Ashley supplied miserably.

“What does that mean exactly?” Karen asked stiffly.

“I don’t think anyone really knows yet.”

Dr Chakwas continued her ministrations, mercifully in silence. They both looked up when Shepard strode through the doors. Shepard’s eyes found Ashley’s and stayed there.

“You are to remain here in the med bay for the next two days. Your blood pressure was low, and the anaesthesia took longer than expected to wear off. I’d like to keep an eye on you.” She turned to Shepard. “Commander, I will speak with you in your cabin.” It was a voice that brooked no argument and Shepard blanched, almost imperceptibly.

They were not gone long. Karen moved to her desk brusquely, picked up a mug, and left. Shepard stood beside Ashley’s bed looking decidedly uncomfortable. She removed something small from her pocket and sat down, running a coin backwards and forwards across her knuckles. Her eyes raised to meet Ashley’s, while her hand continued to fidget restlessly with the grey coin. Ashley for her part ignored the coin, choosing instead to watch Shepard’s face. She found her micro expressions endlessly fascinating; the crinkled brow, the slightly downturned lips, the clenched jaw, the way her thick eyelashes left spikey shadows on her cheeks under the harsh overhead lights. Ashley watched the fine muscles in her neck twitch as she swallowed.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, her hands finally stilling. “I was focused on Liara and Benezia.” She paused for a moment, unconsciously playing again with the coin. “I should have found you armour. Should have protected you. It was your first mission with the geth since…”

Ashley felt a spark of irritation. “I don’t need protecting.”

Both women were very still as they looked at each other.

Shepard moved her hand slowly, slowly towards Ashley’s and the touch when it came was feather light. She felt her chest tighten with anticipation, her stomach clenched and so did something lower. It was enough to change her breathing into something quicker and shallower. She rolled her wrist, so her palm faced up, and gently bought the tips of her finger to meet Shepard’s. She heard Shepard’s breath catch as their sensitive nerve endings met, as they felt electric tingling pass between them. Her fingers kept gently exploring Shepard’s strong calloused hands, applying pressure, and gently stroking experimentally. Shepard’s hand moved to Ashley’s wrist and encircled it with her middle finger and thumb, she clenched and then released. There was a rustling and Shepard’s other hand was in her hair. When the kiss came it was slow, tender. Shepard pulled away to assess Ashley’s reaction. Her eyes were dark pools. Ashley felt as if her whole body was aflame, blood rushed to her extremities and pulsed there, waiting for the next touch. She raised her head and crashed her mouth against Shepard’s and took her hungrily, their two tongues met. Ashley bit Shepard’s lower lip as she felt fingers cupping her neck and chin. Shepard raised her head to look down at Ash and her thumb moved up to rest on her lower lip, Ash bit down on that too and then gently sucked on it, and all the while those dark brown pools stared into hers.

Shepard settled herself back into her chair, and they regarded each other quietly, slowly allowing their breathing to steady.

“We can’t do this,” Ashley said and suddenly the truth of the words settled around her like a shroud.

She had expected Shepard to agree but instead, her shoulders shrugged, and she smiled, “I really don’t see how we can avoid it.” It was her deep voice, her pragmatic voice, but Ashley couldn’t find any reassurance in her words.

“I love the Alliance. I can’t lose my job.” Ashley felt panic rising within her.

“That won’t happen. I’ll protec—” Ashley cut off those words with a look. She hoped it was one of rage and disdain. She hoped Shepard would be able to read the unspoken words in her look: I don’t need protecting.

“Yeah. Ok. You’re right,” Shepard said nodding, though Ashley could not know for sure what she was agreeing with.

Shepard flicked the coin up and caught it deftly. She thumped her fists on her knees as she stood to leave, she patted the edge of the bed briefly, her eyes were looking everywhere but at Ash.

She realised her translator was still disconnected when she heard Shepard mutter, “ahakoa he iti, he pounamu.” The doors swished closed behind her with a sense of finality, and Ash was alone again.

Ashley was half-heartedly reading a book when Liara came in. She had mended the clasp on Benezia’s necklace and was now wearing it herself.

“It suits you,” Ashley tried.

“I gave it to her as a birthday gift, years ago. It is a reminder of better times.”

Liara was not keen to talk further about her loss, so they turned to safer topics. She was fascinated by the book, and Ashley was desperate for a distraction. They talked for some time about primitive technologies, books, printing presses, inks, religion, libraries, bookstores, even bookshelves. Ashley pushed her knowledge of these things to her limit, but the asari archaeologist seemed interested in it all. Finally, they talked about poetry, and songs and stories, comparing asari culture to human. Not for the first time, Ash found herself wondering how she could ever have seen aliens as less important than humans. Different; certainly. But not less than. Just a different kind of people.

“So, are we going to the Mu relay next?”

“Shepard is not convinced we have enough knowledge about Saren’s plans. The OSD was helpful, but we still don’t know where to go from there. The relay could lead to dozens of systems.” At Shepard’s name Ashley flinched. Her body burned with some inner fire. They both sat in thoughtful silence, one of Ashley’s hands fidgeted restlessly. “I am sorry you will not be able to go on missions, you seem to enjoy being active and off the ship.”

“You are not wrong, there, Liara” Ashley sighed. Her palm opened to momentarily reveal a coin she had been holding throughout their meeting. “You are not wrong there.”

Chapter Text

Ashley threw the brass headed hammer onto the workbench in disgust. She’d just miss hit the centre punch for the second time that morning. She rested two hands against the bench and sighed. Garrus looked up from where he was crouched by the Mako, but he didn’t come over this time. Her work had not been going to plan. She decided she would head up to see Kaidan, he was a great person to talk to when things weren’t going well, always knew what to say. Then she remembered he was preparing to go out on a mission. With Shepard. Her jaw clenched.

She punched the button on the elevator and jiggled impatiently as it crept up slowly between the levels. Three days later the doors opened, and Ashley stepped out onto the crew deck, she stomped her way towards the medical bay, and her rage boiled over when she saw the orange light display on the door. Dr Chakwas was with a patient.

“For fuc—” She cut herself off just at the start of what was going to be an expletive-ridden tirade when she saw Alexei Dubyansky’s startled expression. She raised an apologetic hand to him, but he was already gone. He wanted no part of whatever it was that had upset the gunnery chief. Ashley sighed long and hard through her nose, trying to get her temper under control. She walked over to the mess. Liara had recently re-introduced her to the joy of a cup of tea, and the meditative state the process of making it can induce. As she waited for the tea to steep, she pulled Shepard’s coin out of her pocket and examined it for what felt like the hundredth time. The coin was worn almost smooth, but she could make out some of the details. On one side, the side with the profile of a man, were the words “George V” and “Emperor,” the other side depicted a man crouching low and holding some sort of weapon. The word “Zealand” and the number “935” was still visible, but only just. She could only guess why Shepard carried a coin with her that was almost 250 years old and could only guess why she had carelessly left the coin on Ashley’s hospital bed. Ashley sipped her tea, furious once more, and immediately burned her tongue.

Chakwas’ door light turned green and a moment later Talitha Draven walked through it. Ashley pretended to be absorbed in her tea, but the moment Talitha had rounded the corner, Ashley shot out of her seat and flew through the door of the med bay.

“Doc, I need you to clear me for active duty.” She had tried, unsuccessfully, to sound calm and professional.

Dr Chakwas frowned down her nose at Ashley and raised a sceptical eyebrow. She seemed in no hurry to respond to Ashley’s demand, instead she calmly replied, “Chief Williams, I don’t have an appointment with you until tomorrow.”

Ashley felt herself deflate under Karin’s piercing gaze. She must have looked pitiful enough because the Doctor relented and pointed her stylus towards a chair. Pulling the pieces of her shattered argument together proved difficult, the words she had practised over and over in her head fled faster than Dubyansky had.

“I—”

Karin looked up patiently as the silence stretched on.

The med bay was clean and sterile, nothing remained to mark this as the place where Shepard had kissed her. Nothing to show that this was the place where Ashley had chosen the Alliance instead.

Chakwas scratched the bridge of her nose somewhat impatiently, and obviously feeling that Ash would benefit from a sentence starter, she said in a voice that somehow managed to be both dry and sing-song: “I need to clear you for active duty because…”

Ashley grasped the words like a lifeline. “Because I am going crazy!” She spat out the words triumphantly.

“I’m not sure that that is really the most compelling argument, Williams.” The doctor continued to regard her warily. “It is common for people who have been very active to become somewhat depressed after an injury. Your body has become used to experiencing a regular endorphin rush. You need to get that chemical rush back.”

“Yes. So, you’ll clear me?”

“No, of course not. Your body needs time to heal.” She frowned disapprovingly down at Ashley. “There are plenty of ways to get that rush without risking further damage to your leg.” Ashley shrank back into the chair and crossed her arms. She didn’t doubt that she looked like a moody teenager. “Get in 45 minutes of exercise at least three times a week, upper and core only. No legs, no glutes. Listen to music. Spend time with friends. Keep your brain busy. Shepard has a stack of mission reports to go through. She’s been banging on about some Cerberus group and I know she’d appreciate the help. Find reasons to laugh. Stay away from alcohol. Create art. You like poetry. Why not write some?”

“No. I don’t… I can’t make the words come out right. From my brain,” she finished weakly, more than adequately proving her point.

“Hmm. Actually, hold on one moment.”

Ashley sat up in her chair, her interest piqued as Karin started opening crates and rifling through them. She let out a noise of satisfaction and held up a small box like a prize. She placed it on her desk in front of Ashley, and then pulled open her top draw. It was a model building kit, containing a spaceship, specifically the Normandy SR1. The desk draw closed, and Karin placed a small bar of dark chocolate on top of the box.

Karin looked at Ashley, grinning expectantly, but clearly found Ashley’s confused expression disappointing. “See you tomorrow,” she said with finality, and ushered Ashley out through the med bay doors.

“But Shalei. We can never be together. I have my duty, and you have your people.”

Ashley looked towards Tali who was absorbed by the characters on the vid screen. To be fair, she wasn’t the only one. Caroline Grenado, Jamin Bakari and Addison Chase all seemed totally enamoured with the turian and quarian love affair slowly unfolding before them. Despite his words of rejection, it was obvious to Ashley how this romance would eventually unfold, that Shalei and Bellicus were madly in love and nothing, not duty, not honour, not even species, would keep them apart. Ashley snorted at how unrealistic it all was.

Tali elbowed her sharply in the ribs.

Addison began to sob openly and Jamin passed her the tissues and put his arm around her for a hug, she held his knee in reciprocity. Tali passed Ashley the bowl of popcorn the humans were sharing before mournfully sipping on her packet of keleven.

By the end, Ashley was sobbing along openly with the rest of them. Tali patted her on the thigh, and they laughed at their mutual silliness. Ashley helped Caroline clear up and then she was alone again. Alone, but wide awake. She went to her locker, pulled out the model and walked back to the mess. Unwrapping the box sent a thrill of anticipation up her spine. She’d made one of these when she was a child, it had been some sort of historic sailboat, the HMS Endeavour. That set hadn’t come with paints, and she had left spider webs of glue all over it, but she had still felt inordinately proud of it when she’d finished. Her family had obviously not shared her enthusiasm, because after a week it disappeared from the kitchen counter (where it had held pride of place) and she’d never seen it again. She watched a couple of extranet tutorials and then went to work, carefully cutting her first piece away from the frame.

When Kaiden, Wrex and Shepard returned to the mess, they found her concentrating hard on attaching thrusters to the wingless body. She let their banter flow around her, as they joined her at the table with their food. Kaidan made the mistake of picking up one of her carefully organised pieces. She snarled a warning at him, and he raised his hands in submission, Wrex chortled happily, and Shepard barely contained her laughter. They left her to it after that, talking around her about the mission, about thorian creepers, Doctor Ross and Cerberus’ involvement. Ashley was half listening but without having been there, not much of it made sense. She would read the mission de-brief when it came out. Finally, the trio began to wind down from their mission high. Kaidan and Wrex said their farewells and left in search of late shift entertainment. Shepard brewed herself another coffee.

“Chakwas thinks you could use my help to go over the mission reports.”

“Mmmhmm,” Shepard replied, clearly unwilling to commit. “Let me help you with that, and I’ll let you help me with the reports.” It was a challenge. Ashley rose to it.

“You may assemble the wing,” she said in her most imperious voice, “but you better not even think of touching the paint until you’ve watched the tutorial.”

“Yes, ma’am.” The commander offered a mock salute before picking up the instruction manual and reading each line carefully.

They worked through the hours in near silence, each absorbed in the task. The only hiccup came near the end.

“This isn’t the right blue.” Shepard looked horrified as if they were about to commit some appalling crime.

“It’s a kids’ toy, Skipper, it doesn’t really matter.”

Shepard pleaded her case and eventually Ash told her where in engineering she could find the paints. Shepard jogged away, heading towards the maintenance shaft. Ashley brewed a pot of camomile and athame flower tea and settled in to wait. Shepard was gone a long time, but she returned gleefully holding extra paint brushes and a mixture of what she insisted would be the perfect shade of blue when it dried. She had been up to the cockpit to consult with Joker. Ashley decided not to remind her that the fabricator in engineering could be programmed to produce the exact colour match, not when she was so jubilantly proud of her efforts. Then she realised that she couldn’t be sure whether or not that was what the pair had decided to do. She wouldn’t put it past either of them. Ashley slid a teacup towards her and watched as she sniffed it suspiciously. They worked in silence. Shepard added final details using the dry brush technique she’d learned from the tutorial Ashley had shown her, then held it steady while Ash glued on the wings. They clipped it to the stand and sat back to admire their handiwork.

Shepard threw back the rest of what Ashley had to assume was stone cold tea and smacked her lips with satisfaction. Together they tidied the area, scrubbing at parts of the table that had picked up little splatters of paint. When they were done, they stood side by side against the wall.

She smiled at Ashley, leaning away slightly. “That was fun,” she stated. “Thank you.”

Ashley fished in her pocket and pulled out the silver shilling. She held it towards Shepard, who made no move to take it.

“Shepard, it’s probably precious. You can’t afford to lose it.”

“I haven’t lost it.” She grinned at Ash. It was her most smug, lopsided grin. “I know exactly where it is.” She told Ashley she’d see her the following day to look over the mission reports and then strode off towards her cabin.

“Fuck,” Ashley whispered, rubbing her eyes tiredly. She made her way slowly to her bunk in the dorm room, half-heartedly punching a wall as she went.

Ashley bent athletically at the waist, stretching her arm out to catch the piece of metal she’d been soldering. It took a moment to register the searing pain as the fire hot metal burned itself into the skin of her hand.

“Ah, fuckin’ Goddam mother fuc—”

Garrus and Wrex looked over at her. They both appraised the situation and quickly realised what had happened. Their reactions were very different. Wrex roared with laughter; Garrus went to get medi-gel from the first aid cupboard.

“It’s a mistake you only make once,” Wrex offered consolingly. He looked down at her hand which had already begun to blister painfully. “Humans are very soft though. Soft of skin, soft of brain. Maybe you’ll need to do it twice.”

Ashley could only scowl at him as Garrus poured on the gel.

She made her way towards the elevator. It was time for her appointment with Doctor Chakwas anyway.

She held out her hand mournfully and the doctor examined it without speaking. Ashley didn’t watch what was being done, instead she found herself staring off into the middle distance. If asked, she wouldn’t have been able to explain what she was thinking about, only that it felt dark and grey, like when a thick cloud moves in front of the sun, blotting out the light and making the middle of the day feel like twilight.

Ashley was brought back by the doctor’s questions. When she related what had happened, Chakwas said, “Oh dear, well it is the sort of mistake you only make once.” Ashley rolled her eyes. “It will heal quickly, but you shouldn’t try to push it for the next two days or so. No lifting. No weights. The top bandages are just padding. It should help when you try to pick up something without thinking.” Chakwas peered down at her. “Now the leg.”

The appointment was over quickly, and Ashley was no closer to getting back to field work than she had been. The grey cloud curled its way around her, so by the time she reached Shepard’s door she felt hopeless, drained of energy, utterly defeated.

Shepard’s smile was like the moon, though. It reached through the darkness towards Ashley, and she felt it settle there, a tiny spark of reflected light. She pointed Ashley towards the round table, laden with datapads. Shepard’s gaze found the bandage on Ashley’s hand and her brow wrinkled slightly but she said nothing, Ashley moved her arm, so that her bandages were under the table and out of view. Her chest ached.

“I’m thinking there is a connection between ExoGeni, Cerberus and Saren. If we can find the link, we might be able to use it to find him.”

Ashley nodded. Using her left hand, she picked up the first datapad and began reading the file, and after a moment or two of stillness, Shepard picked up a pad of her own. The silence stretched between them. Out of the corner of her eye, Ashley watched as Shepard idly scratched the back of her neck and then leaned forward to rest her head on her chin. The words on the screen didn’t seem to be making any sort of impression on her brain, so she went back to the start of the report and tried again. Trebin is a modest terrestrial world, with an atmosphere composed of nitrogen and argon. Its surface is mainly composed of nickel with deposits of—. Shepard had picked up a stylus and was twirling it around her thumb. Ashley did her best to ignore the quickly spinning pen, but she still found herself rereading the sentence with her jaw clenched. She moved her hands up to cradle her temples, which allowed her to rest her head and shield her peripheral vision. Trebin is a modest terrestrial world, with an atmosphere composed—. The stylus clattered noisily onto the table when Shepard lost control of the spin; Ash darted her unbandaged left hand forward to arrest its momentum and her hand landed on top of the commander’s. She narrowed her eyes warningly at Shepard, who smiled disarmingly back at her. Finally, Shepard slid her hand out from underneath and raised both her hands in surrender, leaving Ash with the stylus.

“Sorry,” she said. It was her high voice, her totally insincere voice, and she was still smiling.

Her lips curled upwards in response. She made a show of raising an eyebrow and placing the pen far out of Shepard’s reach, then went back to her reading. She heard a huff of amusement and felt her own body suddenly relax.

The door swished open, and Liara entered, looking for a distraction of her own. Shepard explained the plan, Liara took to it with scholarly enthusiasm, and the three bent over their tablets. …composed of nickel with deposits of silver. Trebin's environment is relatively mild, but the scarcity of water or similar enabling substances has prevented the development of any biosphere. ExoGeni Corp recently performed a test impact of a single water-ice comet into the surface, the first step of a long-term plan to thicken the atmosphere and introduce water to the environment.

They read together in a silence that was occasionally broken by a question, or an exclamation, or the reading of a particularly interesting section of text. It was comfortable and interesting, and Ashley found herself totally immersed in the work.

“There was something somewhere about a colony that went missing. Does anyone remember where that was?”

Ashley found that the tricks she used for memorising poetry were applicable here as well, and while the other two relied heavily on note taking, she was able to access the information without it.

“Antaeus system, Hades Gamma. It was an ExoGeni project. Here,” Ashley replied, and slid a datapad towards Shepard, who grunted her thanks.

Ashley was rolling her neck trying to work out the stiffness when Liara slid her datapad towards them. She had drawn up what appeared to be a sort of flow diagram. She talked them through her findings, simplifying as she went. It wasn’t what they’d hoped for, but the connection was now clear.

Chapter Text

“Hackett thinks Saren is trying to raise a geth army in the Armstrong Cluster and he wants a single Mako to take them out?”

Ashley enjoyed watching Kaidan, he was exceptionally good looking, with dark hair and classic features. He obviously fancied himself a bit, using far more hair gel than was strictly necessary and spending a lot of time at the gym honing what was already a well-proportioned body, but Ashley couldn’t really fault him for that. He was also thoughtful and kind, with a quiet intelligence. His once broken nose just drew attention to his long eyelashes. Her sister would love him. He rubbed his head thoughtfully before he replied. “I think the intel got to us early enough. It looks like the geth haven’t really built up in numbers, they are just starting to think about establishing a foothold there. If we were to take them out quickly and quietly it would send a powerful message.”

“You can’t really think this makes sense.”

“The nearest Alliance fleet is too far away. Our job is to do as much damage as we can, until they can come in with their big, shiny dreadnoughts and do the rest. It’s a risk-free plan for Hackett, and lucky for him we have plenty of experience and are right next door.”

Ashley frowned and handed Kaidan one of the cups of coffee. They sat down at the table opposite each other. From where she sat, she could see her model of the Normandy, which someone had moved onto the kitchen counter. She sipped her coffee.

“What did you manage to find out about Cerberus?” Kaidan asked.

“Dead end. They aren’t really linked to Saren at all, they are just trying to benefit from his leavings.”

Ashley explained it all; how Cerberus had been paying ExoGeni to research weapons, how they had seen the potential in the thorian, and the creepers, how Saren had somehow convinced the geth to fight for him and how together they had managed to create the technology to raise a zombie husk army, and how Cerberus had swooped in when they had seen the potential in controlling husks themselves. “I would be surprised if Saren is even aware of what Cerberus is up to. There isn’t really a link between them. Our best bet at this point is to follow the geth.”

“Which brings us to the Armstrong Nebula,” Kaidan finished.

“Who’s she taking?” Ashley asked, her eyes flicked to the little Normandy, and then back to her coffee to take a sip.

“Wrex, Garrus and Tali for a start,” Kaidan said.

Ashley grunted. Wrex and Garrus made a surprisingly good team, even though they never really got on together down in engineering. Tali was an interesting choice; she’d hardly been on any missions since arriving on the Normandy and she was not a trained soldier.

Kaidan hummed thoughtfully, “I think the commander is assuming there could be a tech element involved. Normally she’d trust herself to handle that, but maybe she wants to see if Tali’s knowledge of the geth will add something different.”

“Garrus as a sniper and Wrex as muscle and biotics,” Ashley finished, nodding. “Yeah, I can see how that would work well.”

“You’ll want to make sure they’ve all got Tungsten ammo,” he told her.

She frowned at him darkly, “I know my job, Staff Lieutenant.”

“Good to hear it, Gunnery Chief Williams,” he was grinning broadly.

Ashley decided to call truce and gave him a half smile in return.

“Hit the gym after the briefing?” Kaidan asked.

Ashley waved her still bandaged hand at him. “I can’t do anything.”

“How’d you do that anyway?” Kaidan asked, a little too innocently.

Ashley explained about catching the hot metal.

Kaidan shook his head mournfully, “Oh dear, well I’m sure it’s the sort of mistake you only make—”

Ashley leaned forward across the laminate table and punched him in the shoulder and then laughed disbelievingly. Kaidan, for his part, chuckled ruefully while rubbing his bruised arm. Ashley sat back down and looked across at Kaidan expectantly.

“Garrus, told me to say that.”

“I bet he did, that creaky damn bastard.”

“Creaky?” Kaidan asked, still laughing.

“You know,” and by now Ashley felt overcome with mirth, “the way his plates rub together, he kind of…” she held up her hands and mimed two plates rubbing up against each other, leaving space between them to avoid the bandage, “creaks. I couldn’t think of anything better.”

The pair sat for a while concocting insults that would work on their various squad mates. Slowly, their breathing eased.

“I’ll spot you,” she said, wiping the laughter from her eyes.

Freshly showered after her workout at the gym, her body throbbing pleasantly, Ashley made her way down to the armoury to begin her shift. Shepard was talking to Charlton Tucks, the requisitions officer, who was shaking his head; Wrex was sitting languidly on some crates, or at least as languidly as a massive hard-shelled monster can sit; and Garrus crouching, was tinkering with something that probably didn’t need to be tinkered with. The Mako loomed beside him like a shiny hulking beast. He was dwarfed by the massive tyres which disappeared into the shadows above them. It’s glossy hide glowed faintly where the dim lighting met angled surfaces. Her body felt full, and she found herself moving easily and confidently. It was her post exercise high, and she gloried in it. Kaidan had contacted Chakwas and got a list of exercises Ashley could do, and while they didn’t push her as hard as she would normally like, they had still left her feeling capable and in control. It was a feeling she hadn’t realised she’d been missing. She walked easily along the darkly coloured square panels of the gangway and then turned towards her station. Stepping lightly over the raised ridge, lined with little lights, she made her way onto the lower decking.

She entered the armoury and crossed to a wall of carefully organised cases, and drummed her fingers along their surfaces, before finding the one she was looking for. She slid it out and carried it over to her workbench. With practiced ease, she rested it on the bench, used her thumbprint to unlock it, flicked open the clasps, pulled out a slightly banged up Avalanche VIII shotgun, and began looking it over with a critical eye. She had cleaned and oiled it when it had first come in, but she was double checking she hadn’t missed anything. Her worst nightmare was that they would pick up some second-hand gun that had been modified by some over-confident clown, and a fault in the weapon would injure one of her people. She pulled a magnifying-glass arm out of the wall and began examining the gun closely, looking for any unusual markings, or changes in metal grades. Satisfied, she placed it back in the case to take to the firing room later. She walked over to the pistol case and selected a new Karpov VII, that Tucks had found for her. She longed for more Karpov Xs or even IXs, but there had been procurement issues. The VII would just have to make do. With no obvious manufacturing flaws to be found, she placed the gun in another case and prepared to take them to the tiny onboard testing range.

“I heard what happened to your hand.”

When Ashley turned to look, Shepard’s eyes were wide with sympathy, and something else that was harder to parse. Out of the corner of her eye, Ashley registered that Wrex and Garrus were standing together, listening to the exchange. Even Tucks had moved in close. Ashley wasn’t sure what was happening but was instantly on the defensive. She knew a set up when she saw one. Shepard’s eyes made it clear that Shepard knew that Ashley knew that the words that followed would be at her expense. Shepard sighed extravagantly and shook her head almost mockingly.

“At least it’s the kind of mistake you only ma—” Before Shepard could finish the sentence Ashley yanked a screwdriver from the wall and pointed it at her, menacingly, her recently rebandaged hand merely added to the drama of the moment.

“All due respect, Commander,” Ashley said through gritted teeth, but smiling eyes, “I would appreciate it if you didn’t finish that sentence.” She was playing to the crowd and could make out Wrex’s massive shoulders bouncing up and down and Garrus’ mandibles snapping excitedly.

Ashley could practically see Shepard’s thoughts as her face played through a series of expressions, could see Shepard’s internal battle as she struggled to decide whether to push Ashley and finish the joke, or acquiesce. She made her decision, chewing the inside of her cheek and raising an eyebrow as if physically swallowing her words. Tucks clapped Wrex on the shoulder still chuckling at Ashley’s quite real discomfiture, and the three men glided away happily to their workstations. Shepard raised her hand towards the screwdriver that Ashley had forgotten to lower and gently gripped the steel shank, one of her fingers accidently touched Ashley’s thumb which was resting over the top of the rubberised handle. An electric jolt spiralled up Ashley’s arm, through her shoulder and settled in her chest.

Shepard was still smiling, but her eyes were on the screwdriver as she said in the soft tones reserved for startled animals and children: “Easy now, let’s get that pointed somewhere else.”

Ashley’s lips parted and she lifted the heel of her foot to step closer towards the other woman, but came to her senses, rolled her eyes theatrically in a doomed attempt to recover, and placed the screwdriver securely on the wall with a click that punctuated the sudden stillness around her. The sound of her pumping heart thundered in her ears.

“We haven’t spoken in a while. How’s your sister doing? Last time we talked you said she—”

“I can’t.” Ashley felt something invisible tighten around her throat. She felt a panic rise within her, and she imagined her breath coming out in shallow gasps. “I have to proof fire these for Tali,” she finished. Her heart continued to pound painfully in her chest, every beat pulsed through her like a drum, she was certain Shepard would be able to hear it, she herself felt almost deafened by it. For her part, Shepard looked a strange combination of startled and bewildered. The truth was that Ashley longed to tell the woman in front of her everything and longed to hear her stories in return. She wanted to curl up in Shepard’s breast pocket and be with her always, safe and secure, while Shepard went through the minutia of her day. She wanted to look into those brown eyes and never feel like she had to stop staring. To talk, to laugh, to fight, to learn new things and ancient things, to hold hands and watch vids together, to build models, slay monsters, and grow old together. She wanted all that and more.  Which was why she had to escape. Now.

It was as if the commander could read her thoughts, understand them as easily as if they were her own, because she took a measured step away from Ashley to allow her breathing space. Neither woman moved further, neither wanted to risk breaking the gossamer thin connection between them. Ashley felt herself reeling in her tangled emotions like a fisherman with a line, and just like that fisherman she felt at a loss at what to do next. She did not want to cut the line, but it was impossibly snagged. She needed to explain herself, but had no idea where to begin, as words and thoughts fled.

“Ash?”

Ashley shook her head.

Shepard let out a long slow breath and Ashley suddenly, irreverently, found herself marvelling at the other woman’s lung capacity.

They stood in silence.

People moved around the mechanical bay without paying any particular attention to the pair. Wrex was keying something into his omni-tool, Lieutenant Adams made his way into the elevator with Abishek Pakti and Alexei Dubyansky, the doors hissed closed and sealed with a clank. Addison, who had vacated the elevator made her way over to consult with Garrus. The sounds of voices but not the words echoed up from the engine room. Shepard began to fidget.

“What do you need from me?” she finally asked, looking at Ashley with the sad eyes of someone who knows they’re not going to like what they hear.

Ashley paused. A thousand suggestions crammed into her head all at once, some so wildly inappropriate she almost blushed. Finally, she grasped one and said, “No touching. I can’t… we can’t… touch.”

Shepard nodded carefully.

“And come back from Maji safe.”

The cockpit was full of gleaming panels and virtual overlays. The overall effect was of a cave, a long dark corridor broken up with crew seating and yellow lit displays running along either side. The ceilings and wall panels were covered in readouts of white text that looked like carefully organised stars. It was beautiful in its own way. As Ashley walked along the gangway and towards the helm, small lights lit her path like an old-fashioned aeroplane runway, and overhead lighting flickered on, but only just enough to help guide her to the front of the ship. She acknowledged those members of the flight crew that looked up from their screens, but most were busily moving their hands over the haptic interface in front of them and seemed to fail to notice Ashley at all. The Normandy was flying low over a mountainous planet, completely devoid of any natural beauty. The landscape was the colour of wet blood, while the mountain ranges, in a failed attempt at contrast, were the colour of dried blood. On the horizon were the two suns that the planet was orbiting: Vamashi-A (a cold looking blue) and the aging red giant, Vamashi-B. The sand that was being kicked up by the ceaseless winds meant that these suns could be viewed freely, though it also leant them an unreal, nightmarish quality.

Ashley had done what she could to prepare Tali for the mission, she’d found the little quarian a shotgun with the specs she’d requested, and then watched to check she’d be able to handle the massive recoil. She’d been impressed by what she’d seen, but she still got Wrex to spend some time with her, going over the basics, practising manoeuvres and hand signals, and she’d confirmed that Tali had been able to sync her suit’s interface with the rest of the squad’s. Ashley felt cold. The Normandy was very low now, almost at drop height. She felt herself tense as she gripped the shoulder rest of an empty chair, she tried in vain to slow her breathing and relax her back muscles, but the tense ache continued. Voices of the flight crew took on a more urgent quality as they readied the Normandy to release the Mako onto the surface of the planet. Ashley imagined that she could feel the moment that it happened, as if a part of herself had been sliced away, but the reality was that she had probably read the body language of the crew around her. Either way, the Mako was now planet side, the Normandy was flying away, and she felt bereft.

She continued carefully towards the helm. It was lit the same way, with consoles and seating running along the walls next to the windows. These were all empty and Ashley had long since stopped questioning that fact. Joker liked his space. She slowed her approach, continuing almost nervously, until she was close enough that she could almost touch his flight chair which hunkered massively at the very front and centre of the craft. Looking over his surprisingly broad shoulders she could see everything in a 180-degree semi-circle. The angle of Joker’s hat showed that his attention was not on the view, but on the multiple haptic displays in front of him, his fingers moving across them as artfully as any concert pianist.  

“You’re looming.” His voice was disapproving and distracted.

Ashley wasn’t sure what to do, so she decided to wait. Jeff Moreau was not a man who took kindly to unnecessary distractions.

“Chief, if you are going to insist on being a creepy loomer can you at least do it over there.” He jabbed a finger violently towards the chair to the right of his. The console simultaneously flickered off, presumably Joker didn’t want her accidently pressing something she shouldn’t. She found herself feeling surprisingly grateful as she lay back into the cushioned arms of the chair. His hands began to slow, and he instead adjusted his earpiece, presumably to better monitor the ground crew. “So, is this going to be a talking visit or…”

Instead of answering Ashley instead asked, “How’d you know it was me?”

“You smell like a grease monkey, gun oil I guess, and you have a limp. Who else would it be?”

“I don’t need to talk. Can I… do you mind if I just wait here.”

“Music?” he asked. Which Ashley chose to take as permission. She nodded her reply.

The air was filled with the instantly recognisable bars of Beethoven’s Piano Sonata no. 14, the moonlight sonata. Jeff’s version had strings, definitely some violins and at least one cello, but that was as far as Ashley’s knowledge of 400-year-old music would take her. She allowed her breathing to slow, she could almost feel her body bleeding into the cushions that cradled her. This had been one of her mother’s favourite pieces. She was surprised that Jeff was so cultured. It wasn’t something that she’d ever really thought about, but if forced to guess, she would have picked him for enjoying more modern sounds, maybe even something out of Heshtok. With each parsed stroke of the piano’s keys, she found her mind freeing itself. The music was part lullaby, part funeral march and it matched her mood perfectly. She let her eyes close, and it became all she knew.

Chapter Text

The person who stared back at her from the washroom mirror looked haggard. Her normally bronzed skin looked waxen, there were dark circles under her eyes, and her hair looked greasy and lifeless. Ashley picked up her kit and walked into the shower, she turned the water up as hot as she could, as if she were trying to boil away the top layer of her skin. She let the water roll down her back, massaging her head and shoulders, and when absolutely sodden she began to scrub. Using her fingernails, she drove the shampoo into her scalp, then picked up the soap and began to do the same to the skin on the rest of her body. She was ruthless and methodical and when she finally turned off the water, she stood under the dripping shower head imagining her skin cells were begging for mercy. She padded across to a dry area and began towelling her skin with the same unforgiving speed that she had done everything that morning. Dressed and dried she marched to the mechanical bay to start her shift.

Things had been going well. She’d decided that what she needed was a carefully curated routine since she’d been woken by Joker after the Maji mission and sent to bed like a needy child. Ashley had decided then and there to take control of herself. Breakfast, morning shower, first shift, lunch, PT, second shift, cockpit time with Joker, do something else with someone, read, bed, no comm time, no comm time at all. The others would tell her anything she needed to know. She was a few days into this new routine and things had been going well. Very well. The combat crews were around somewhere, but she’d managed to largely avoid them; and she’d continue to avoid them by switching up her shifts and spending a lot of her time in the fabricating room. That’s where she was heading now as there was inventory to sort, and armour that could be retooled. Things had been going well. Just, so, so well.

She waved to Tuck and then headed straight to the armoury storeroom to pick up the squad’s armour. Her omni-tool had sent her a list of all the damage done during the last mission and cross-referenced it with the replacement parts they had in inventory, then it was just a matter of replacing the old with the new and painting it up to match. Normally, she thought, she’d do the work at her bench, but it was right there, out in the open, better to move into the little fabricating room today. She loaded her trolley with four suits of armour and the replacement pieces, then wheeled it out the door and switched off the lights. The door, when it shut, disappeared into the panelling, just like the door to the tiny firing room beside it. She made her way up the ramp and around the Mako, which had taken a beating. A team of engineers and mechanics were circling it, a few of them looked up as Ashley passed, and she nodded a greeting.

The lights flicked on as she entered the fabricator room, and she was pleased to shut the door against the excited voices beyond. Looking over the inventory, she decided to start with Garrus’ armour which needed two separate plates replaced. She chose Bach’s Cello Suite no. 1 to listen to while she worked. It was an unabashedly hopeful piece that forced you to think of uncharted starscapes, fern fronds uncurling, ocean waves rising and falling, the unveiling of new ships, a faithful weapon in your arms and a friend by your side. The music swelled around her and she lost herself in the work. It was a simple task, no more complicated than the Lego Technic sets she’d built as a child. The cellist paused before changing their flow into something darker, more hesitant. Ashley linked the connecting electronics to the first of the new plates as the music built steadily into the climax. Ashley found herself consumed by the cellist’s powerful strokes, then the ending, the blazing return of the starting theme but now at the very top of the cello’s register. It was a triumphant conclusion. She picked up the second plate and fitted it carefully into the gap on the existing armour and wired it up. Then she connected the armour’s interface and began testing it as the second piece of music began. She heaved up Wrex’s suit onto the bench to inspect it. The heavy armour that he wore, coupled with his biotic shields meant that his suits typically required very little maintenance. He had told her on many occasions that he liked his armour to look scuffed up, but Ashley, as always, ignored these protestations and added it to the pile to be repainted.

Picking up Shepard’s armour she felt an all too familiar clenching of her chest. It is one thing to read that a chest plate needs to be replaced and another thing to see the plate itself and know that the person wearing it couldn’t have survived another hit. The plate was wrecked, cracked through, and browned where the shield’s wiring had fried. Running her hands over the spiderwebbed impact cracks and towards the central point of impact, she couldn’t help but imagine what it would have felt like to absorb the shell before the HUD begun shrieking its warnings.  She turned the plate over and removed the padded underside. Her fingers traced along the hexagonal markings of the burnt-out shield and she shuddered slightly before consigning the plate to the scrap pile. Music was still playing but she was barely conscious of it. She went through the motions of connecting the new plate and testing the systems were fully operational and once satisfied she added it to the pile next to her. She picked up the discarded pieces of armour all the while making a catalogue of suits that might better protect the commander. She’d have to do more research and then get Tuck to pull whatever strings he could. She fed the first set of armour into the laser painter and selected the preferred colour scheme. Shepard had already programmed in the pre-sets, so all Ashley had to do was not get the suits muddled.

While she was waiting, she connected her omni-tool to the secure mission folder to review the footage from the latest mission. Rayingri was another red planet surrounded by a red sky. It didn’t have a moon, instead it had a planetoid trapped in a decaying orbit. She had heard a rumour that some asari travel agents were already taking bookings for tours to see the dreadful moment when the two planets were due to meet and tear each other apart, but at this moment, she was more interested in the fact that the planet regularly experienced cyclonic winds and earthquakes. Ashley reviewed the Mako’s exterior footage, the air was calm, not much more than a breeze. She fast-forwarded through the footage until the point of contact. She watched the team crest a hill lined with beacon lights and stop as they reached a base bristling with towering dragon’s teeth and surrounded by abandoned crates, presumably those had been left by the previous occupants. Garrus’ voice on the comms was feeding the squad readings and estimating the number of hostiles inside the low-lying circular building. None of the numbers sounded good. She fast forwarded again until the moment Shepard stood next to the entry hatch. Her commands were brief, they’d all done this countless times and the team knew the drill. Inside, the tunnel-like passage was clean and industrial, with prominent joins where the sections were fitted together during construction, but with nothing to provide any kind of cover. She continued to watch as the squad readied their weapons and checked their suits, and then she switched to cycle the footage through the team’s helmet cams.

The entranceway to the main section of the base looked like so many others, the brown and grey colour scheme that was so popular with prefabs 20 years ago, plexi-glass windows with a view of nothing but the cold earth that the building was dug into, hard wearing noise-damping wall panels. All so familiar, but Ashley felt her palms sweating as she listened to the team discuss their plan of attack. There are husks in the next room, she heard Shepard say. I’m going to try and lure them to this entrance and if we’re lucky it will act as a firing corridor. The simple idea worked flawlessly, and the team was able to eliminate the husks from that room with relative ease. The team picked their way carefully over the now still corpses, piled at the end of the corridor. The room beyond was a huge maze of stacked crates and machines, even without the husks it felt haunted. After a careful walkthrough, the team found another corridor ending in a T junction. Shepard signalled that she was going to attempt the same trick, and it worked as flawlessly as it had the first time. The office rooms that branched off proved empty. Ashley frowned knowing from the stack of busted armour beside her that there was worse to come. She watched the team poke at different wall panels, looking for hidden rooms and passageways, weaving between strange round black and brown platforms and white, elongated consoles that from the side were shaped like the pope’s hat. In amongst all this technology, large, grey and cream coloured shipping containers were piled everywhere, forming walls that were almost maze-like, and just occasionally, the jumble would be broken up by the incongruous green livery of a pot plant.

Finally, she heard Tali’s voice cry out in alarm, Geth! The big room!

The team took up firing positions opposite the entrance. Wrex aimed his shotgun at the opposite wall and with a volley of pellets, was able to trick geth destroyers into walking into the line of fire, but after that, the rest of the geth learned their lesson and waited. Shepard’s team was trapped. They had no choice but to try to fight their way through, but they were badly outnumbered. The only thing going for them was that there was so much cover, and that worked both ways. Ashley watched in awe at the speed in which her friends were able to get a handle on the situation. Despite everything, they worked as a team while playing to their individual strengths. The battle, which by Ashley’s estimation could have taken hours, took only minutes. What had been a messy, disorganised lab was now a scene of abject destruction. Bullet holes riddled every unarmoured surface, most of the consoles were fried and smoking, some of the crates had been knocked over by charging geth and almost none of the pot plants had escaped unharmed.

She watched in trepidation as the squad clapped each other on the back and compared stats, their voices high and cheerful as the endorphins kicked in, when Joker’s voice screeched over the comms. A geth dropship was headed their way. Get out of there, now! They sprinted through the tunnels, the cams bouncing up and down at speed as the group made their way back through the maze. The cam Ashley was watching took a second to adapt to the change in light as the external door opened, and by the time the view cleared the team had found cover. Shepard had the worst position of the squad, and it was obvious that she had willingly put herself in harm’s way to allow her team to get into the safest spots. Idiot. The cam swung around wildly scanning the sky for the ship and suddenly found it, focusing on a strange insect-like vessel that hung in the air and began depositing geth onto the planet’s surface. Better that than just drop a big bomb, I suppose, Ashley thought as the geth just kept on coming. Garrus took aim at the ship with his sniper rifle, but it had no discernible effect, so he gave it up as a lost cause, instead focusing his attention on a rocket trooper. At first, Ashley wasn’t sure what Tali was doing until a hacked shock trooper started firing on its buddies. Wrex was in his element. He’d managed to take out two troopers. But the commander’s shields were taking hits from two sides, as the geth had split their forces and managed to isolate her in some patchy cover. She had just finished shouting her instructions for covering fire when a geth sniper, unnoticed by the team, moved into the perfect position, and as Shepard was making a run for safety, it fired and made a direct hit on her chest. She was thrown back but somehow managed to roll into comparative safety. She was badly winded, her HUD was screeching its warning, and the crew’s HUDs were alerting them to the commander’s downed shields. They all moved into a protective block and followed the orders that they’d been given before she went down.  Galvanised and co-ordinated, they quickly destroyed the remaining geth.

The dropship retreated over the horizon. Joker’s voice came over the speaker, much calmer now, to warn the ground crew that the Normandy was firing on the alien craft. There soon followed a huge explosion, and the helmet cams vibrated slightly with the earth-shaking ground impact. Ashley held her breath as she fiddled with her omni-tool and muted all audio except for that coming from Shepard’s helmet. The commander’s breathing was shallow and ragged, painful to listen to. She keyed in a few different things and brought up the readings from Shepard’s armour. Health scans showed massive bruising from the impact, but no broken ribs.

Ashley found her hands were shaking as she ended the program, so she wrapped her arms around herself and tucked them under her armpits. Hunched up protectively she slowed her breathing and turned to find the first set of armour had been ready to remove from the machine quite some time ago. She unclipped it, and hoisted it out and on to the bench, before lifting in the second suit and beginning the process again. Tchaikovsky’s Symphony No.6 filled the room, but it was only really when the eerie low notes of the bassoon became audible that Ashley really recognised it for what it was. All of Tchaikovsky’s works have an element of sadness in them, but this piece was dedicated to his nephew with whom he was in a secret relationship, at least, that’s the story her mother had told her. It spoke of loneliness, resignation, regret, and heartbreak. It spoke of death too, of curling up in the snows of a Russian winter, because that is all that there is left to do, before breathing your last breath. He died nine days after its premiere. Ashley stared off into the middle distance, seeing nothing, until the beeping of the machine roused her. She replaced one suit of armour with the next mechanically, barely registering her own movements. The next piece of music started, she could neither name it, nor recognise the opening bars and she turned it off before it could upset the unhappy quietude in which she was swaddled.

She turned to watch the machine that was gently hissing behind her. The armour was suspended behind a Perspex shield. Little spray guns attached to mechanical arms, crisscrossed their way around the plates according to the sensor’s readouts which determined which part of the armour to paint, and which should not be painted. Light colours first, then dark. Shepard’s armour was the most complicated, because of the N7 stripes and Spectre logo she wore, but the pre-sets made it easy enough. All Ashley needed to do was feed in the suit, hit the program for that squad member’s preferred colour scheme, and once all the armour was shiny and new looking, she just had to hit the button to begin the cleaning cycle. The machine beeped expectantly. Ashley took out the suit and picked up Shepard’s. She held the unfinished chest plate and gently rubbed at the finely dimpled ceramics with her thumbs. She made her decision. She readied the armour and instead of selecting Shepard’s pre-sets, she chose the same pre-sets as anyone else’s. She was not going to be the one who painted an N7 target on Shepard. Consequences be damned.

Ashley was fiddling with the old silver coin. Flipping it into the air, time and time again. It kept coming up heads.

“You should visit her, you know. She’s still in the med bay. Being a real dick about it, too.” Joker busied himself with the controls.

Ashley let out a puff of air through her lips, and hunkered lower in the comfortable flight chair, the coin now hidden in her clenched fist.

It was the only answer she knew how to give.

Chapter Text

The medical bay was empty when she arrived early for her appointment with Doctor Chakwas. Rather than stay in the cold, sterile room, she went back out to wait in the mess. Her gaze settled on the little model of the Normandy. She loved the sleek lines of the ship, the way it looked like both a bird, or an insect and also neither of those things. The drybrush technique that she and Shepard had used had picked out all the little details of the plates, making the finish look far more complicated to achieve than it really had been. She moved closer to examine it and noticed that the little craft now had a splatter of something red on it as if someone had been a little bit clumsy with their packet of bolognese. She dabbed at the stain with the pad of her thumb, and it came away easily. She was pleased to see that the acidity of whatever it was, hadn’t damaged the paintwork. She replaced the model and angled it carefully for the best visual effect. Bored again, she began to bounce restlessly on the balls of her feet, her hands went to her pocket, and she pulled out Shepard’s coin.

She looked at it closely and decided it was time to try again. If she flipped it and it landed on the head of the emperor, she’d do her duty by the alliance. She would continue to avoid Shepard as best as she could, focussing on professionalism, duty, and honour. If it landed on the warrior, she’d check in on the commander, maybe talk to her about the new armour from Kassa Fabrication. Ashley continued to toy with the coin, leaning against a bench, her gaze somewhere off in the middle distance. She looked over at the med bay doors, Chakwas didn’t seem to be in a hurry to arrive. Walking with a determined stride that was mostly feigned, she made her way to the observation deck. It was another communal area, one less dedicated to food and more to recreational activities. It was always untidy. In a ship that relied heavily on shared accommodation and multipurpose spaces, this was a place that everyone felt at home. There were lots of little storage nooks that people on board had laid claim too; family photographs, knickknacks, favourite coffee mugs, datapads, gameboards, all made their way here eventually. Someone had even brought in a blanket and some cushions to further break up the shiny new industrialism that the original designers had intended. Ashley was pleasantly surprised to find the room empty. There was no prayer room onboard the Normandy, most colonies didn’t even have one, but of all the spaces on the ship, this one gave her the most peace.

She dimmed the lights to better admire the view. They were drifting at the edge of the Armstrong cluster and the massive window at this moment was filled with colour. Blues and red gasses boiled and spun through space, the pinpricks of distant stars added to the whole and this nebular looked like an artist’s impression of a beach: a long line of blue reflection breaking against red sands of hydrogen gas, in turn washing up the shiny white stars. Not for the first time she wondered how people could look at this galaxy and not believe in something. Ashley prayed everyday as a method of reflection, a way of mentally summarising what had taken place. She found that placing faith in a higher power was freeing, praying was at least doing something, and that was helpful in moments of powerlessness. Ashley had felt powerless a lot. Being ridiculed by so many of her superiors, being made to grind through the worst assignments, never once being trusted to make a decision that mattered… yeah, she knew that feeling well. The one time she was given the chance to prove herself, she’d gotten everyone in her squad killed. She was not one to ask for things from her god lightly. But it was nice to trust in something bigger than herself, especially for decisions that mattered. So, if she was to go somewhere quiet to reflect, and if she were to flip a coin in that moment of reflection, and if her God were to intervene then that would be something, and if He, in his wisdom, decided to leave the decision to chance, then that would be something, too.

The coin was hot in her hand.

She balanced it on her thumb which she tucked into the crook of her finger, tensed for a second and flicked. The coin spun quickly in the air before landing in her palm.

She found Shepard in the comms room. The light on the door was green and Ashley found herself strolling in with a prepared question about armour preferences ready to go. Shepard looked backwards over her shoulder, and seeing it was Ashley, waved her in. Shepard’s voice was muffled but she recognised the voice of Hannah Shepard through the speakers.

“OK, Moon child. We’ll talk again soon.”

Shepard signed off and turned smiling to greet Ash who smiled back, all questions about the comparative merits of damage protection and shielding were gone and instead, still beaming, she found herself mockingly asking about what she’d just overheard.

“Shit, Commander. Your name is Moon?”

If she could have sucked her words back in and swallowed them, she would have, instead she watched with eyes wide in horror as Shepard’s face crumpled into a disappointed frown. The woman who had looked so happy and open mere seconds ago seemed to shrink before her. Her head bowed and shoulders slumped. Ashley felt that familiar prickle of warm heat creep over her, her skull tingled, trapped in self-loathing, goddam foot in mouth. When will I ever learn to just shut up?

Shepard was still looking down at her feet. Her arms crossed over her chest, and she flopped back to lean away from Ash and against the console behind her.

“Moon. It’s Moon actually.”

“What?” Ashley couldn’t get a handle on the exchange. She was still drowning in self-recrimination but was fairly sure she was missing some crucial information that would help her make sense of what was being said.

Shepard stood up slightly straighter, sighed and made eye contact with Ash at last.

“Turn off your translator.” Shepard was using her commanding voice and Ashley didn’t question the order, she simply opened her omni-tool and keyed in the appropriate instructions.

She dropped her wrist and looked at the commander expectantly. Shepard returned the look, with one eyebrow slightly raised. Ashley still felt uncomfortably warm. She had upset her friend and didn’t yet know if she could repair the damage, so she had no choice but to wait, to listen.

“Marama. My name is Marama,” Shepard said, quietly.

Marama? The name sounded strange. Foreign. Impossible that this was the first time Ashley had heard it spoken. The name ‘Shepard’ fit her commanding officer like a well-worn glove, but ‘Marama’ was something else entirely. For reasons she couldn’t quite explain, it made her feel uncomfortable. Perhaps because she had never made the effort to find out Shepard’s real name. The thought came unbidden, even as it occurred to her that the woman had been going to great pains to hide it. Shepard shifted into a more comfortable position. She was still leaning back and away, but now one ankle crossed over in front of the other, her exposed forearm muscles clenched and relaxed drawing Ash’s eye to the bronzed skin.

Shepard caught her eye from beneath long, black eyelashes as she continued, “It’s just that using the translators mean that no one hears it that way. You know how much crap I got from the other recruits? That’s why I’m just Shepard.”

Ashley took time to digest this. She allowed herself to look over the woman standing before her, she was still leaning in a position that tried to look relaxed but was also clearly defensive. Her narrow waist and finely muscled torso widened at the shoulders, which were still too hunched for Ashley’s liking. Her sharply ironed Alliance shirt wasn’t sitting quite right on top of what must have been heavy bandages. Ash felt herself swallow uncomfortably. She flicked her eyes up and met Shepard’s large brown ones. They shared a moment before Ashley broke away to look over the sharp line of Shepard’s jaw, and her curly mop of short, black hair which was cut close on the sides in her trademark style: an artistic and very feminine variation on ancient military haircuts from Earth. She felt like she was really seeing this woman for the first time. And Shepard was watching her while she looked. The expression on her face was inscrutable.

Shepard shifted her weight, a muscle in her jaw flickered as she clenched and then unclenched her teeth. It was clear that she was as uncomfortable as Ash was. She knew Shepard was waiting for her to break the silence, but Ash was reluctant to say anything, lest she do any more damage. Finally, she settled on words that she hoped would be as harmless as they were meaningless: “It suits you.”

Shepard grunted and ran a hand over the back of her head before settling into a new position. There was a fresh awkwardness between them now. A newness. It was as uncomfortable as recently healed skin. It occurred to Ashley that she didn’t really know much about this woman at all.

“Why doesn’t every name get translated like that?” Ashley asked, suddenly curious about the particulars.

“Well, what does ‘Ashley’ mean? What would you expect it to translate to?” Shepard asked, not unkindly.

“I don’t just mean like that. When we met Rear Admiral Kahoku, you said his name meant ‘Star’, but my translator didn’t mess up his name.” Ashley’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She didn’t expect an answer, but she asked the question anyway: “What’s the difference?”

She looked up from the floor tile she had been staring at intently, to find Shepard smiling at her. “You’re quick.” Shepard’s face became serious. “The difference is that ōlelo Hawai’i is a protected language under the Systems Alliance, and te reo Māori is not.” She paused, checking to see if Ashley was actually interested, or just being polite. Whatever she saw encouraged her enough to go on. “Language is complicated. Humans have thousands of languages which all have different dialects and accents, homonyms complicate things further. Aliens are the same. High turian and low turian is the least of it. Most people upgrade their software package only as they need it, and almost no one will download human languages that don’t come as standard with the System Alliance Language package unless they are visiting Earth.” Ashley nearly interrupted with a question, but it was as if Shepard couldn’t stop. “So, what you get is a paired down version of all human languages. The package doesn’t have the nuance to separate words from names unless they belong to one of the protected languages.” Shepard took a breath in, and looked away, “My mum changed her name to Hannah. The translator kept calling her ‘glowing radiance’,” she finished, chuckling ruefully.

“What’s her real name?”

“Hana,” Shepard replied, softly. “She had it easy. A slight vowel change, and the jokes stop. No easy fix for a name like Marama.” She paused, frowned darkly and in her deepest, most rumbling voice said, “And I’m not your ma, so don’t even think of shortening it.”

She looked so riled up, that Ashley wasn’t tempted to make light of it.

“Do you want me to call you Marama?”

Shepard didn’t reply right away. She chewed thoughtfully on her lip for a moment then looked up at Ash. “I don’t mind it from you. But no, call me Shepard, or Skipper if you must.” They both grinned at that. “I don’t need this crew thinking my name is Moon. Can you even imagine what Wrex would do with that information?”

They walked into the Mess together, Joker was just tidying away his tray. When he saw them, his face broke into a smile.

“Woah-ho, Ashley! Does this mean that magic coin of yours finally landed on tails? Good for you. Well, I promised Garrus I’d take away all his credits. We’re playing Skillian Five. If you two would like to join us, we’ll be on the observation deck. Race ya.”

He shuffled his way out and Shepard busied herself with the coffee machine. Ashley blushed bright red at hearing Joker’s tactless stream of consciousness and her embarrassment only increased when he leaned back through the doorway and gave her an open-mouthed smile and an encouraging thumbs up. She visibly bristled, which made him laugh.

Shepard, who either ignored the exchange or hadn’t noticed it, bent down to find some cups and hissed as she sucked in air through her teeth. She must have moved too quickly and hurt herself, and Ashley silently berated herself for not paying attention. She had seen the reports, she’d seen the armour, she could guess how much pain Shepard was in. Ashley went to her side, and then stopped not knowing what to say or how to behave. It was Shepard who broke the silence.

“What was Joker talking about?” Shepard clutched her chest with one arm while preparing the coffee with her free hand. Her normally light brown skin had taken on a pallid hue. “When did it become a magic coin?”

For the second time that afternoon, Ashley felt her face prickle with embarrassment.

“Oh, you know Joker,” she tried. “I don’t understand half the things he says.”

Shepard eyed Ashley carefully, but Ashley found herself unable to return the look. She looked down at her shoes before noticing a patch of dried paint on her shirt. She scratched at it with her fingernails, trying to separate the paint from the fabric’s blue fibres. She could feel Shepard’s intense gaze switching between her face and her hands. Finally, Shepard grunted quietly and handed Ashley a steaming mug of black coffee before picking up her own. Ashley, relieved, took the cup and added a careful measure of milk. She let out a contented sigh.

“Chakwas tells me you are cleared for duty,” Shepard said. “It would be good to have you and Kaidan on the ground for this next one. It could be big. Do you think you are ready?” It was true. Her appointment with the doctor had gone very well. She was pretty much healed and cleared for battle. It was amazing what could be achieved with modern medical science and PT.

“How big?” Ashley felt her excitement build at the prospect of finally going topside.

“Very. We think we’ve traced the signal to the Grissom system. If the intel is right, it’s where the main base of operations will be. Given what we have seen already, it could be tough down there. Speed will be everything because they’ll know we are coming, and we can’t afford to wait for them to build up strength and fortify their position. I just…”

The silence built between them, and Ashley felt it as if it were a physical presence. She felt for Shepard’s coin and began rubbing her thumb back and forwards across the almost smooth surface. She raised her eyebrow as she looked at her commander, wordlessly willing the woman to speak.

Shepard looked down at the coin in Ashley’s hand.

“I just wish I could be there,” she finished, finally.

Ashley heard the truth behind the words. Here was a person who would never be content to sit behind the safety of a desk and give orders that would put others at risk. If there was a fight to be won, or a point to be scored, she would be there making sure the job was done in the only way she knew how: from the front. Ashley eyed the woman beside her.

“What did Joker mean about the coin. Are you ready to be honest with me yet?”

Ashley nearly choked on her coffee. She looked around the tiny galley kitchen, her eyes skirting over the common kitchen appliances, the little Normandy model, the off-white surfaces, the grey wall panelling, the two dirty coffee cups and table knife that some asshole (probably Addison) had left in the sink (despite the dishwasher being right there). Finally, her eyes settled on the exit, her brain ticked over, and she began calculating her chances of escape.

She was brought back to reality when Shepard chuckled.

“Ash? Are you ok?” Shepard looked at her with twinkling brown eyes. The crinkled corner of her eyes and upturned smile betrayed the commander’s distinct lack of concern. “You looked a little panicky for a second there.” In that moment Ashley knew that Shepard could read her mind. Shepard knew that rather than face her fear like a grown up, that Ashley had been leaving decisions to the fateful toss of a coin.

Ashley took a deep breath. If they were going to be honest with each other, she might as well go all in. “Do you believe in God?” Shepard’s eyebrows crinkled giving Ashley all the answer she needed. “OK, so that’s a ‘no’. It’s not a problem with you, is it? That I believe in God?”

It was Shepard’s turn to look uncomfortable. Ashley worried that she’d miscalculated in taking such a direct approach, but this was too much a part of who she was. It was her culture down to her bones. Her Brazilian grandparents had been staunchly Catholic, her parents had passed the traditions on to all the Williams girls, not an easy thing to do away from Earth but it became something that grounded them and brought them together, especially in times of strife.

“Everyone has the right to believe what they want. Says so in the Alliance Charter. Only with fancier words.”

“I’m glad you’re open-minded about it. I’ve met a few people who were really weirded out. Because I work in space I can’t believe in a higher power? How can you look at this galaxy and not believe in something?” She took a breath to steady herself, knowing she had managed to get herself more worked up than she’d intended. When she looked shyly across at Shepard, the skipper grinned back at her.

They drank their coffee in comfortable silence, the ever-present hum of the Normandy’s engines was just audible over the other sounds of people talking in the spaces beyond the galley, the ticking of coolant in pipes and other machine noises that Ashley had more trouble identifying. She loaded the dishwasher with her cup and the ones from the sink, then gave the bench a quick wipe down. Shepard was looking thoughtfully into the dregs of her mug when Ashley was finished.

“Well, if I’m going groundside, I should get back to my duties. I didn’t mean to take up so much of your time.”

“I look forward to our next talk.”

“You should,” Ashley replied. She felt the blush creeping up her neck as she slid quickly out the door.

Chapter Text

Ashley checked Kaidan’s environmental seals, running her omni-tool over his suit with practiced ease. They were gathered in the vehicle bay down on the engineering deck, preparing to board the Mako. She clapped him on the helmet twice and moved on to check Wrex’s armour. Her omni-tool readings highlighted a weak connection, so she bent down to fix it. Devlon Industries armour was famous for being able to withstand environmental extremes but checking them over was an easy job and worth the time. If their suits failed in the 351°C temperatures, they’d be dead before they had a chance to cry out. She retried her omni-tool, and satisfied she gave Wrex a thumbs up. He grunted his thanks. Garrus’ and Tali’s suits were fine. Marcus Greico and Silus Crosby finished strapping the last cargo crate into the vehicle and went to report to Kaidan, who was checking each step off on a data pad.

The call came, and the small group of marines climbed into the cramped interior of the armoured vehicle. Tali and Kaidan went first as they were going to steer from the front, Garrus followed and sat by the turret controls, and Ashley settled herself by the machine gun. The Mako’s interior was notably human in design. The emphasis was on practicality and resembled the tanks that have existed on earth for centuries.

Kaidan started going over his pre-flight checks, while the rest of them adjusted their seats and harnesses. Vibrating floor panels announced Wrex’s arrival as he clambered into the craft, taking his favoured seat close to the door. He took perverse pride in being the first with boots on the ground. Ash gave him an overly exuberant thumbs up and heard him grumble something back, possibly to do with looking forward to getting his armour nice and scuffed. She turned up the volume on her helmet speakers and carried out her own checks.

Her stomach dropped in anticipation when she saw the bay doors open on the virtual display. It was time. The onboard VI gave them a countdown and Kaidan began to accelerate towards the ramp. They dropped into open space and Ashley felt nothing at all as the mass effect fields kicked in, keeping the sense of gravity even. Her readouts showed their descent was comparatively slow in the light gravity, and she braced herself for the landing, but Kaidan was gentler at the helm than Shepard, and she barely felt it.

While the rest of the team compared scanner readings, Ashley readied the gear, making sure that the weapons were equipped with tungsten ammo, and the suits and boots were set to cope with the 0.8 g gravity. They had dropped in quite a long way from the geth base, to avoid detection for as long as possible. There was no sense in getting the Normandy embroiled in an aerial battle without backup. Ashley tried to focus on the details to calm her nerves. Her eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to Notanban, which arched massively over the horizon, its molecular nitrogen glowing violet. The landscape of Solcrum, Notanban’s moon, was stark by contrast. Not dissimilar to Earth’s moon.

Kaidan began to carefully edge the Mako through a mountain pass as Tali called out readings to him. Garrus kept his eyes on his scanners, his mandibles flicking occasionally. Wrex loomed in the shadows and Ashley found herself, not for the first time, calmed by his presence. Kaidan took them in a massive circuitous route and finally their scanners identified the geth base.

Garrus’ dual toned voice broke the silence. “I’m getting some readings. They’re consistent with Colossi.”

“Remind me. They’re the cute looking ones, right?” Ashley assumed Wrex was attempting to lighten the mood, but Armature-class geth did sort of remind her of mechanical dinosaurs.

They continued their circle around it, looking carefully for any environmental advantage for the upcoming battle. Kaidan found what he was looking for: a mountain perch that overlooked the base, barely within sniping range and with a few rocks to nestle behind. He explained the plan. They’d hide the Mako at a distance, it made sense to risk the vehicle as little as possible. Without it, the extreme temperature would likely kill them all before the Normandy had a chance to rescue them. Meanwhile, Garrus and Ashley would pick off as many of the guards as possible from the ledge. Then they’d meet up for the final assault on the remaining geth.

“Questions?” Ashley appreciated Kaidan’s attempt to stick to Shepard’s open style of mission planning. And she did have questions, like, what about the compromises in armour that were made this mission? Devlon Industries armour might be the best at protecting the wearer from temperatures that could boil lead, but they were only mediocre in terms of damage protection and shielding. What if their suits’ environmental protections failed while they were outside in a fire fight? Would they reach the Mako in time to allow the suits to recharge?

“Kaidan, I…” Kaidan’s helmeted face turned towards her, and she felt herself freeze over. She had tried questioning superior officers before, and it had never ended well. It led to demotions and crap jobs, it led to her teammates giving her the side eye and calling her a trouble-making complainer. It led to people dredging up stories of Captain Williams. It was time to keep her mouth shut.

“Yes, Williams?” Kaidan asked gently.

“Nothing, Sir.”

“You sure? If you have something to say, now is the time to say it.”

“I… No. Nothing. Sorry.”

Ashley knew it would be alright. Garrus was a menace with a sniper rifle. They’d pick off the guards and be back inside the Mako’s protective shell without any trouble. She felt the blush creep up her neck and was grateful that it couldn’t be seen by the others.

She and the turian readied their gear and went to stand side by side at the door. Wrex clapped her on the back before thumping the switch to open the hatch. Her HUD immediately began to warn her about the external temperature and gave her an estimated time in which the suit would fail. She watched as the bar display shrank slowly in size. They did not have long. The Mako rumbled away behind them as she and Garrus approached the edge and looked down over the encampment. There were two geth armatures and maybe four manned watch towers. They sank behind some cover and found their marks through the scopes. The HUD display continued to warn her of her impending death, so she signalled Garrus who in turn gave her a nod; and she took her shot. The recoil was huge, and it echoed loudly across the rocky landscape. She took her second shot.  And then her third. She lost sense of time. Her whole world shrank to the size of the circle of her scope and the chest of the geth at the centre of it. She came back to herself when all the bipedal geth were down. A silvery white armature began to jerk its way towards their perch. If it fired one of its rockets, they’d both be dead.

“Time to go,” Garrus said, flicking her elbow.

Ashley’s HUD display showed they had almost no time to get back to the Mako. The shrieking in her ear was piercing and she was surprised that she was only now noticing it. The pair of them raced down the hill, their heavy gravity boots struggling to maintain purchase on the little piles of scree. Wrex had the door open and was growling at them to hurry. Ashley’s lungs were burning but that didn’t stop her from laughing with relief as they tumbled inside. Wrex slammed the door closed. She could hear Garrus laughing, too, and wondered what an untranslated turian laugh sounded like; the thought simply made her cackle louder.

Kaidan looked down at them for a little while and when their euphoria had eased, he gestured for them to move to their stations. It had been close, Ashley knew. If even one thing had gone wrong… She turned her mind to other things. They had a universe to save. While Kaidan took a direct route down to the base, Ashley and Garrus reported back, the team in the Mako would have picked up most things on the scanners, but Kaidan insisted on the first-hand accounts.

“It isn’t the big boss fight we were expecting,” Garrus said. “If this was to be their main base, it is either not fully established yet, or they packed up shop before we arrived.”

“We could send in the Normandy to do a bombing run,” Kaidan summarised, “but we need to make sure we have got the last of them. We can’t risk that we’ve missed something and have them continue their invasion from a different system.”

“Right,” finished Tali. “We go in and find out what we can.”

The two-story prefab was of a familiar design, one commonly used by all council species. The fact that the geth were using this building as its main base did seem to support the theory that they hadn’t had time to establish themselves on Solcrum; they hadn’t created their own infrastructure, they were merely occupying and adapting what already existed. Ashley shot down a geth hopper, before retreating behind cover. She eyed the crates looking for clues about who might have tried to establish a foothold on this inhospitable moon, but there was nothing obvious. Wrex was occupied with a geth destroyer, so Ashley signalled to Garrus that he should try to takeout the juggernaut on the balcony above them. She returned her attention to Tali who was busy behind a shred of cover trying to hack the geth systems. Wrex had moved on to help Kaidan. He threw up a warp from behind Kaidan’s barrier, then Kaidan attempted a throw, which seemed to have little effect. The two men roared and began firing weapons, Kaidan his pistol and Wrex his massive shotgun. Another hopper leapt into view and Ashley attempted to take it down with her rifle, but it was too quick and disappeared. Frustrated, she added her fire to Wrex and Kaidan’s, the geth exploded in a hail of hot metal, and she managed to wend her way through the wreckage to join Garrus in taking down the juggernaut. A momentary lull in firing was shattered by Tali’s shotgun. She’d brought down a familiar looking hopper.

Ashley surveyed the wreckage calmly. The large white pillar that Garrus had been pinned behind was riddled with pockmarks. Crates had been knocked over or were teetering dangerously, explosions had ruined the clean white finish of the prefabricated walls, which were heavily scorched on all sides. A light swung loose from the ceiling, casting dizzying shadows that made Ashley’s trigger finger twitch. Wrex planted himself in the stairwell to guard them from any last attack from above, while the rest of the squad made a slow sweep of the lower level. A door on the far wall proved to be entrance to the operational centre. Tali and Kaidan stopped there to gather what they could; Garrus and Ashley joined Wrex to search the upper level. Ashley couldn’t help feeling like this was an anticlimactic end to the geth invasion. The immediate threat had distracted them from their hunt for Saren; the risk that the geth had a co-ordinated fleet ready to attack had been terrifying, but now that Ashley had helped defeat the final pocket of geth she felt, nothing so much as tired. She slung her assault rifle over her shoulder and heard the satisfying click as it locked in place. She sighed.

They gathered downstairs in what had once been a lobby. It was now the area with the most space and fewest hazards. Ashley checked everyone’s armour. Kaidan’s was not looking good. His lighter plating had taken a hammering when his barriers had gone down, but it didn’t seem bad enough that they’d need to start looting the compound for replacement pieces. Everyone else’s, even Tali’s, was fine. Ashley made a mental note to find out how quarian armour was constructed; on the outside it looked almost flimsy, but it had never suffered damage as far as Ashley could tell. Satisfied, she nodded to Kaidan, who gave the order to return to the Mako.

The doors opened and the squad stepped carefully around the scattered metal pieces of what had once been a terrifying colossus. The battle to the outpost had been a challenging one, and the Mako had taken some heavy hits. In the end though, Kaidan had managed to separate the two armature geth and placed the building between them, effectively cutting them off from each other, so the Mako could bring them down one at a time. It had been harrowing, but the environmental shields had held. They climbed into the freshly damaged Mako and rolled her away to dock with the Normandy.

“Kaidan, I’d like to speak with you alone first. Ashley, you after that.” Shepard had sat quietly throughout the debriefing. Instead of her usual pose, sitting forward with hands steepled at her chin, or leaning back casually against a bench, Shepard had been forced by her injuries to sit ramrod straight in her chair. The stiff position did not suit her, Ashley decided. It made her look fierce and intimidating. Her pointed questions were asked in a clipped monotone, nothing like her usual demeanour.

“There is something I would like to talk to you about as well, Shepard. If you don’t mind,” Tali said. Shepard merely nodded in response.

Dismissed, the crew left Kaidan and the commander to finish, and Ashley went to wait her turn in the mess hall. Liara followed her in and, saying nothing, began to make a pot of camomile and athame flower tea. The clinking of cutlery and porcelain would normally irritate her, but Ashley found herself lulled by it. It was a comforting sound and she found herself thinking of home, her mother, and sisters. Liara sat herself opposite Ash and delicately placed two teacups and a teapot between them. Ashley smiled across at the asari.

Liara broke the silence. “She was very worried about you.”

“Shepard?”

“Mmhmm. She believes you risked yourself unnecessarily.”

Ah. So, it would be a dressing down then. Ashley felt her skin prickle as a familiar feeling of dread and shame washed over her. She sipped her tea, the calm she felt had been replaced with a nameless swirl of emotions. She could see that Liara had more that she wanted to say; she felt the asari watching her closely, but 100 years had taught the woman tact, and she chose not to continue. Together, they sat, drinking their tea in the warmth of the mess.

They were still there when Shepard came in and signalled for Ashley to follow.

“Don’t worry I’ll clear this.” Liara said, gently tapping Ashley’s hand, which had instinctively picked up a cup to begin tidying. Ashley released the cup and left with a quick glance at Liara that she hoped the alien recognised as gratitude, before following Shepard into her office.

Shepard whirled to face her the moment the door swished shut. “You knew sniping on that rock was a bad idea and you said nothing.”

“Shepard, I—”

“You know the specs of every piece of armour on this ship. You knew the dangers. Kaidan asked for your thoughts, and you said nothing.”

“I—”

“Garrus was wearing human-made armour for the first time. He trusted us to take care of him, and you said nothing.”

“It came up in the pre-mission brief. They knew the DI armour was the best we had. They knew the downsides.” Ashley heard the defensiveness creep into her voice.

Shepard rolled her eyes unimpressed. “That was the first time Kaidan has led a mission on that scale. He would have been juggling hundreds of considerations. That is why we ask for the crew’s input. We cannot possibly think of everything. He waka eke noa. We are on this ship together. Now, you better explain to me exactly why you didn’t bother to voice the concerns that you and I both know you had.”

“He was my superior officer. I…” Ashley was unsure how to continue. How to explain what it was like, second guessing herself all the time, knowing that even if she was certain of something, she would be punished if it looked like she was pushing against authority. That she was only a Williams, and would always, always be wrong because of that. Then she thought of Donkey and Pennyloafer and the other grunts from Dog Squad, who died after she took command, and then she thought about all the requests that she’d put through for a shipboard posting only to be repeatedly denied without explanation. She thought about the way she so often said the wrong thing. It wasn’t just that she was wrong because she was a Williams. She was wrong because she was not right.

She looked into Shepard’s eyes hoping for some sort of understanding. All she saw was a smouldering anger.

“You are no good to me if I can’t trust you to stand up for yourself. Even to a superior officer. To Kaidan. Especially to me.” Shepard inhaled and frowned. Ashley watched Shepard’s jaw clench and relax. She took a step back and leant against the counter, almost crossed her arms before thinking better of it, and instead rested her palms on the surface edge, leaving Ashley still standing awkwardly in the middle of the small room. She felt Shepard’s eyes bore into her. She felt herself stripped bare as the woman in front of her examined her, critically, and tried desperately not to fidget.

“Joker told me about your coin. About how you use it to make decisions.” Ashley was momentarily stunned by the topic change before the blush crept up her neck and prickled across her face. “So, it’s a self-esteem thing, is that it? You don’t trust yourself.” Ashley’s mouth felt dry. She couldn’t have answered even if she’d wanted to. Shepard left the bench and stepped forward. “I don’t give a shit about a higher power that you trust more than yourself. If you want something to happen, then make it happen. Thoughts and prayers won’t make a difference. Instead, you get good people around you and you work together. But working together doesn’t just mean following the orders of superior officers. It means asking questions, thinking critically, finding solutions, doing your due diligence, and trusting yourself, and your crew, to do what is right.”

Shepard paused.

“I need to know I can trust you.” She frowned at Ashley, there wasn’t much warmth in the look. “I need to know you can trust yourself.”

Shepard waited for her to speak. Ashley knew that if she had anything to say in her defence, now was the time to voice it. But she had nothing. She would not have sent out snipers on a Level 1 heat hazard. She would have used the guns on the Mako from behind its own cover and sniped the geth watchmen, and then moved in closer to take out the armaments. It risked more people, but the risk overall, was lesser. It was something she’d once heard Garrus refer to as the calculus of war. She had no defence. Shepard was right, she should have said something.

Ashley straightened herself into parade rest. “I am sorry for not speaking up about my concerns, Commander.”

Shepard grunted. “We’ll see. Dismissed, Chief.”

Chapter Text

Mayday mayday mayday. This is Lieutenant Marie Durand, 3-14^th Infantry Alliance 10^th Frontier Division. The listening post has been overrun by unidentified hostile life forms. Request immediate extraction.

Ashley could hear the music playing long before she reached the door of Shepard’s room. It was something loud, rhythmic, with, at least in Ashley’s opinion, an overreliance on heavy percussion. As Ashley drew closer, she could almost make out individual words despite the heavy door panelling.

“Where did you have it last? Oh, oh no!”

Ashley looked around, hoping for someone to share the moment with, but for once there was no one around and Ashley couldn’t help but wonder if the throbbing music had encouraged them to look for tasks in other areas of the ship. She placed her hand against the glowing green display, the door swished open, and she was immediately assaulted by a wall of sound.

“Where did you have it la-a-ast, oh?”

She located Shepard at her desk, surrounded by the ever-present piles of datapads. She was staring at one intently, while air drumming.

The music continued to pulse through the room as the song moved into the bridge.

“Where did you have it la-ast? Oh no!

Hesitatingly: I had them all when I went to the bank, yesterday

And then what did you do?

Where did you go? Oh, oh no!”

During the elcor vocalist’s brief solo, Shepard had moved to pick up a pair of pens and joined the drummer by beating one against her coffee cup and one on the rim of the table. Ashley noted with interest that Shepard’s foot was also tapping in time. She was clearly enjoying herself, Ashley by contrast, was not. She could barely think for the noise.

She cleared her throat theatrically. “You wanted to see me, Comm—” She instantly raised her hands in defence as Shepard stood quickly and whirled around to face her. With impossible speed, Shepard’s hand reached for her sidearm. The sidearm that, luckily, wasn’t there.

Shepard’s look of bemusement brought a small grin to Ashley’s own face.

“And that, Skipper, is exactly why we stow our weapons when on board.” It was like trying to be heard in a nightclub. There was no returning smile on the face of her commanding officer, which was now carefully devoid of expression. Glacial.

“I don’t know. I don’t know, oh oh oh oh oh oh no oh.”

Shepard tapped a button on her omni-tool and the room was suddenly, blessedly silent. Until Shepard sucked an audible breath through her teeth.

“Damn, I think I pulled something.” Shepard gently prodded her ribcage; her frown was partially obscured by the curls that fell across her forehead.

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

“That—” Ashley gestured vaguely around the room, “music?”

“Hopeful Pleading,” Shepard replied, still distracted by her injury.

“Ummm—”

Shepard’s focus returned to Ashley’s face. “Hopeful Pleading.” She said it more firmly this time. “By The Plancks.” Shepard turned the last part into a higher note as if asking a question, but it was one for which Ashley didn’t have an answer. Shepard continued to stare at her from beneath a furrowed brow. “One of the biggest bands in Alliance Space right now.” It was still very much a question; a test.

Shepard held Ashley’s gaze for slightly longer than was comfortable and then shrugged.

“It was something Chakwas suggested. Listen, I called you in here because I’m sending you out again. We’ve received a distress call.” Shepard handed Ashley a datapad and pointed to it while she continued. “High temps, dense atmos, magma flows, earthquakes, and some kind of hostile life. I need you to liaise with Kaidan and prepare the armour and weaponry. It means,” Shepard squinted at her with what Ashley was forced to assume was a patronising expression, “you’ll need to talk him through any concerns you have.”

Ashley felt her anger starting to bubble up in retaliation and she fought not to roll her eyes.

“Aye, aye, Ma’am.”

Replying seriously and obediently felt like a strange form of revenge. Shepard’s jaw muscles flickered.

“We’ll be there in a couple of hours. Be ready.”

Ashley clicked her heels and left the room before more damage could be done.

“You ever heard of The Plancks?”

Kaidan looked up from his workstation next to the galaxy map. They had been closely examining a map of the terrain and the colours from the lights next to him made his hair shine with orange highlights. She could only assume she was similarly glowing in the darkened room.

“The band? Sure.” Ashley frowned down at her datapad and when it didn’t seem like she was going to respond Kaidan continued. “Their song about the elcor that lost his sock is really good.”

“Those are rachni! Firing!” Garrus called from his seat in the Mako. His cannon made short work of some of the bug-like creatures as they crawled down the side of a bulging nest and began scuttling at speed towards the vehicle. Wrex was manning the machine gun, laughing and muttering as he fired, methodically taking down one after another. Ashley felt strangely powerless sitting at the front with Kaidan. She found more nests through her scope and began marking them so that the crew would see them on their display, then she marked some of the rachni so that the shipboard VI would be able to recognise their specific heat signature in future. With that done, she returned to monitoring the ground scans. They needed the Mako fully manoeuvrable and could not afford to have it break through the planet’s thin crust and hit the magma that, in places, marbled the planet’s brown earth.

The rachni continued to pour out onto the surface. How they had survived underground on a planet covered in rivers of lava, Ashley could only guess, but their numbers suggested that they were at home in the extreme temperatures. She watched in satisfaction as wave after wave was torn apart by the Mako’s guns and could only hope that the shredder rounds she had chosen for their hand weapons would be up to the task as well.

Garrus fired at a rachni corpse and Wrex silenced the machine gun. The crew waited and watched their scanners, and Ashley nearly cried out when a twisted limb jerked in front of her view finder. Garrus had seen as her hand had jerked towards her sidearm and his calm voice broke the quiet.

“They curl up like that because the dead bodies stop producing adenosine triphosphate, the chemical they need to make their muscles relax, and the haemolymph, or the goo inside them, is no longer pressurised. It’s rigor mortis for bugs.”

“Nerd,” Wrex rumbled.

Ashley smiled at Garrus in gratitude. His calm science-speak had allowed her time to recover.

They left the nest site and continued their reconnaissance. Kaidan relayed their findings to the Normandy and Ashley felt her chest constrict when she heard Shepard’s voice reply, crackly and distorted though it was.

Driving over a ridge they discovered a small mining settlement that appeared to have been abandoned. The particle bore was not operating, and the shacks were devoid of life.

“They could have hit a rachni tunnel with the bore. That would explain a few things,” Garrus mused.

“Those holes don’t look like mining tunnels. They look like the same kind of nests we just kicked over,” Wrex agreed.

“We won’t know for sure until we find the listening post.” Kaidan checked his map again. “According to this intel it might be just over those hills. If it is, the main base will be in the flat of the valley.”

The lighting was not ideal. Erebus, the star that Nepmos was orbiting was just below the horizon. The sunset was hellish rather than beautiful and Ashley found it rather fitting that it should be named for the personification of darkness and shadow. Cracks in the ground glowed with red hot magma, while sharply pointed peaks loomed darkly all around them. With little to see in the gloomy darkness, Ashley turned away from the view finder and instead focused on the ground scans to better help Kaidan navigate the terrain. It wasn’t long before she was able to make out life signs. A small group of human survivors were manning the tiny listening post. Ashley was well familiar with the tedium that would be expected from a job like this one. It would be bad enough to be stuck on Nepmos for months at a time with little to do, the soldiers would have been ill equipped to deal with rachni. Suddenly, the onboard VI began to shriek it’s warning as it recognised an incoming hoard. Kaidan accelerated quickly down the slope and into the middle of the fray as dozens of the massive bugs began crawling out of the ground.

Ashley watched as a tired band of soldiers blearily raised their guns and began firing at the nightmare creatures in front of them. One soldier was too far in front of the others and too slow when raising his weapon. There was nothing Ashley could do but watch in horror as an arachnid came on at speed and launched acid into his terrified face. He was dead before he hit the ground. And that’s when Ashley saw them. There were human bodies everywhere. Some had been laid out in tidy rows, others were still sprawled across the field of battle or tangled in amongst the limbs of their attackers. Acid had eaten away at their standard issue armour so that many bodies were left without heads, or gaping holes where their chests had been. Bile rose in her throat, and she was forced to breathe slowly and carefully, looking elsewhere to recover. When she did, the fight was over.

The crewmates took a few moments to gather their weapons and secure their helmets before finally stepping out onto Nepmosian soil. They were greeted by three soldiers. One of whom was quick to introduce herself.

“Lieutenant Durand: Third Brigade, 14^th Infantry Regiment, and I am damned glad to see you.”

“Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko of the SSV Normandy SR1. We heard you needed some back up,” he finished.

“Actually, we need to get the hell out of here, but I guess your ship couldn’t carry us all. They dropped us here a few months back. We get supplies every couple of weeks. We didn’t see anything local that was more dangerous than lichen. Yesterday, these animals started coming out of the ground. No idea where they’re from. This is what’s left out of 90 men. I’m the ranking officer.”

“They’re not really animals. They’re a sentient species. You study history? They’re called the rachni.”

“Never heard of ‘em. Can’t say I care. What we just fought was a probe. Our seismic sensors are picking up a crapload more on their way up from underground. We’ve got five minutes, tops. We might be able to hold them off if we were at peak. But you can see the fighting’s busted this place up.” She waved towards some non-functioning gun turrets and a particularly dense pile of corpses, bodies, Ashley presumed, that had once been her friends. She knew what this quality of calmness meant; she’d seen it before. Lieutenant Durand was operating without sleep and was clearly suffering from shock.

“Why are you out here in the first place?” Kaidan had realised the same thing, and was moving on to safer conversational territory, as they started to move away from the Mako and closer towards the makeshift battlements.

“There’s been a lot of pirate activity in this cluster. We set up a chain of listening posts in the local systems in case they have a staging base.”

“We do have a ship in orbit. We could bombard them.”

“Wouldn’t do much good. They’re moving around deep underground. The only time they come near the surface, and they are right on our position. You bombard them, you take us out, too.”

Kaidan nodded and stood quietly before responding. “Do what you can to secure your position. We’ll see if we can get some of your defences operational.”

“Aye, aye, Sir.”

Durand turned to her remaining soldiers and started issuing orders. Kaidan turned to Garrus, “Let’s see if we can get the defensive turrets working. Ashley, Wrex,” he turned to them and pointed at the makeshift walls. “Find yourselves some defensive positions.” He turned away, tapping on his omni-tool as he went. “Commander Shepard? —”  

Ashley heard nothing of the Commander’s response as he had patched through on a secure channel. She felt a strange emptiness. Wrex had already found himself a spot towards the middle and was readying his weapons, and Ashley found herself eyeing the burrow holes wearily. She could, theoretically reach all of them with her sniper rifle. It would make some sense to station herself in the middle and pick them off one at a time, but Garrus was also an excellent sniper. Better to have each of them on the flanks to avoid the rachni overrunning them with a pincer move. When Wrex looked around, she gave him a mock salute, and wandered over to the far right of the field to ready herself.

Kaidan came over the comms, “The generator’s been ripped apart. We’ve got the automated turrets back online using the Mako’s engine, but we won’t be able to use the Mako’s armaments without more time. Thoughts?”

“Sir,” Ashley took her time to get her ideas organised. “It makes sense. Our armour is sound, and it gives us two heavy cannons instead of one, not to mention the firepower our squad brings to the table. “But,” she took a breath, “You might consider putting Garrus on the opposite flank to me. And maybe get yourself behind Wrex if you need to team up with your biotics. Your armour is the lightest, and we’ll be driving the rachni to the middle.”

She could hear the smile in his voice when he replied, “Good thinking, Chief.”

There was no time to enjoy the moment of euphoric relief, as a shout of warning announced the arrival of the rachni vanguard. The turret boomed behind them, and the first of them fell, but they were soon followed up by many, many more. Ashley lost herself in the rhythm of the battle. None of the terrifying creatures managed to get close and after a while they stopped being terrifying and became nothing more than targets. During a moment of lucidity, she remembered that Garrus liked to compare kill counts, but she’d never been able to keep score in her head like that. In these moments, it was like she went somewhere else entirely, while her arms and eyes did what needed to be done.

There was a lull between waves.

Ashley watched as Durand and Alenko leaned over a scanner together. The two of them engaged in brief, animated discussion before they turned back to their posts.

Kaidan’s voice came through her helmet comms, “40 seconds before the next wave. Be ready.”

This third wave lasted much longer than the previous two. When it was over, the seven soldiers gathered. Durand’s men sat down immediately. One began fiddling with a scanner, the other simply closed his eyes.

“Holy hell, Sir. Talk about a near-run thing. You alright?” Durand was staring at Kaidan. She’d allowed true feeling to enter her voice despite the exhaustion she must be feeling.

“Never mind me. Are you alright?”

“Still on my feet.” She looked down at the two men beside her, and a note of compassion entered her voice. “But we’ve been fighting for almost 26 hours straight. None of us will be standing for long.” She hesitated. “There’s one other thing I should mention. One of our other listening posts went offline three days ago. I don’t know if it’s coincidence, a pirate raid or what. But if you want to check in on them…”

“We’ll check on them. We don’t know why there are rachni loose out here. But if I know my commanding officer, we’ll find out.”

“Ma’am?” The soldier on the ground looked up at Durand, “We’re getting a signal from one of the ground-scan UAVs. A big, hollow space about five hundred meters under the surface.”

“Right, that must be it. That must be where they are coming from. My people aren’t in any condition for a clearing operation, though.” She looked at Kaidan as if assessing his mettle.

“Just point us in the right direction.”

“You don’t have to do that, Sir. We’ve bled them. We can probably hold on until a bigger ship arrives to get us off world.” She seemed to reconsider as soon as she’d said the words. Suddenly, for the first time, she looked vulnerable. “If you want to take a throw at it, we’ll give you the co-ordinates. But it’s your call.” Ashley watched Durand’s shoulders slump as she surveyed the scene of devastation in front of them. “You saved our asses, Sir. Thanks.”

The tunnel was dark and wet. The sound of their footsteps on the rough ground sent wild echoes skittering forwards and back making Ashley, who was taking point with Wrex more nervous than she needed to be. The plan was too simple to work. They’d find the rachni and take out as many as they could. They’d use the tunnels as firing corridors where possible. Wrex and Ashley would take the front, with their heavy armour, and big guns. Kaidan would take the middle and would combine his lift and throw with Wrex’s biotic abilities when the creatures needed to be pushed back, and Garrus with his sniper rifle would try to stay out of the way.

The tunnel opened into a large, flooded cavern. The water was about 20 centimetres deep, enough to slow them down. The roughhewn walls were dripping too, and there was the mouldy, mildewy smell of something organic rotting. It had clearly been a mining base at some point as the space was filled with haphazardly stacked crates, lights, explosives, and other mining detritus. Across the cavern, and beyond the gloom of the centre, Ashley could make out two more circular hatch doors, not unlike the one they’d just passed through. If Kaidan could find a way to bypass them, they would need to clear those tunnels, as well. Garrus peeled off to the side. He’d found himself a sniper nest that had a good view of the entire space. Kaidan stood nearby, his hands flexed and ready, his pistol holstered at his side, Ashley took the lead, wading carefully through the murky water and waving her light around crazily, desperate not to be taken by surprise. She inched towards a burrow, but even the gentle splashing must have been enough to disturb the creatures because within moments, a pair of clawed feet launched up and out towards them. She began firing her assault rifle and it seemed to take an age before that first rachni fell. Kaidan had the second trapped in a biotic lift and Garrus took it down with a shell between its eyes.

They fell into a grim pattern as they cleared cavern after cavern. Someone knocked over one of the lanterns and Ashley found herself stumbling in the sudden gloom. It took far too long to see a huge pair of rachni scuttling towards her. One fired acid straight towards her and she was forced to roll out of the way, slamming her shoulder into rough rock. Wrex was busy with the second one and she had time to marvel at his speed as he wove between crates and dived into cover, firing all the while. She didn’t have time to contemplate his strategy further. The rachni was scuttling towards her and she was still hopelessly tangled against the rock. It was truly huge, and its carapace was lit up with a bioluminescent glow, that made it noticeably different from all the rachni she’d encountered before. Her assault rifle may as well have been a pee shooter for all the difference it seemed to be making. At the last possible moment, the creature was surrounded in the familiar blue glow of biotics and her weapons were able to penetrate its shell at long last, but the creature’s momentum was not so easily halted, and its huge body crashed on top of her.

Ash came to when she could no longer ignore the shrieking of her HUD. That, and a crackling, sizzling noise that she recognised as the sound of acid eating through something important. The rachni’s wounds were leaking acid unchecked onto her armour and her shields were completely gone. She called for help and within moments Wrex was there, rolling the shell away from her. They set to work, removing armour panels, and applying medi-gel to her burns, so that when Kaidan and Garrus found their way over to them, Ashley felt she had it under control.

“How’re you doing, Chief?” Kaidan was waving his omni-tool over her, but he stopped long enough to watch her face carefully as she responded.

“Nothing Chakwas won’t be able to fix, Sir.”

She batted his hand away when it looked like he was going to make a second pass with the omni-tool and motioned for Garrus to join her. She’d spotted a likely looking crate. Inside was the replacement armour she was hoping for; the quality wasn’t as good as what she was wearing, and it was fluro-orange which she knew would clash horribly with the red of her Colossus suit, but in terms of a patch job, it would do the trick.

Finally ready, they began their long journey back to the surface.

Chapter Text

“I’ll start the self-destruct sequence giving us enough time to get back to the Normandy. It should take care of the remaining rachni onboard. But if we are overrun, the Normandy has their orders to leave us behind. There will be no time to dick around. Understood?”

Ashley couldn’t think of any alternative. They were trapped. The rachni onboard were beginning to tear apart bulkheads and threatening life support systems. Some were beginning to attack the doors and if the squad delayed further, there was a chance rachni would make it through to the Normandy.

Liara and Ashley both nodded.

The post-Nepmos debrief had revealed that the huge, glowing rachni they’d encountered were something called “brood warriors.” They’d been sitting in the comms room when Shepard had given them the news.

“These bigger rachni,” she paused to look at the datapad in her hand, “you say they were bioluminescent?”

“Yes, Commander. They had large glowing speckles along their bodies.” Kaidan pointed to his own side starting at his shoulder and running down to his hip, to help with his explanation.

Shepard hummed thoughtfully. “Records of the Rachni War suggest brood warriors, that’s the male gendered rachni, only fight when a hive is,” here she made air quotes with her fingers, “‘severely pressed.’ The archival descriptions match the guys you killed and the fact that they showed themselves suggests you eliminated the hive on Nepmos.”

“We didn’t see any on Noveria,” said Liara.

Shepard rested her chin on steepled hands, looking concerned, “No. No, we didn’t.”

The meeting moved on.

“Durand has shared the coordinates for the second listening post, on a planet called Altahe. It’s a Roche World. It’s dusty, windy, and mostly rock. Nothing too taxing in terms of armour requirements. Listening Post Theta has been quiet for four days and I’m not going to pretend that I know what’s going on but given what you’ve reported, I don’t like our chances of finding any of those soldiers alive. However, until we know for sure, we are going to treat this as a rescue mission. I’ll expect you each to prepare accordingly. Kaidan, you and I will review the data now. The rest of you, get some rest.” Shepard’s eyes met Ashley’s before darting away.

Altahe was as bad as Shepard had said it would be. There was nothing to capture the imagination, or distract from the mission ahead, just a dark sky, darker cliffs, and brown dirt as far as the eye could see.

Kaidan took a meandering path through a mountain pass. It had been nice watching him and Lieutenant Marie Durand get to know each other. No one could stomach the idea of leaving the three Nepmos survivors at the outpost surrounded by mountains of corpses. Shepard had insisted that they stay aboard the Normandy while they waited for an official Naval transport ship. Berthing them hadn’t been a problem. They all required medical treatment, and it was only on the third day that they were in any condition to leave their beds in the med bay and begin moving around the ship. At first, all three of them had shuffled around like ghosts, but gradually they seemed to find themselves soothed by the hustle of life onboard the frigate. Kaidan began by giving them small duties to perform and between that and their counselling sessions they seemed to move out of shock and into grief. Attentive to the needs of all three of his new charges, Kaidan spent most of his time with Marie. Ashley found them together often; just talking quietly while Kaidan worked, shifting their bodies so they could be closer to one another. When they had gathered beside the Mako to leave for Altahe, Marie had rested her hand on Kaidan’s arm and wished him a safe return.

They made it look so easy. Ashley wondered what it would be like to stroke the back of Shepard’s neck, to slide her fingers up through the short spikes of her closely cropped hair and then tangle her fingers in the tight curls further up. To push her against a wall and to kiss her clavicle before bringing her thigh up between—

Ashley huffed air out through her nose and stared at the haptic display in front of her. No sign of life yet. No sign of anything. Just a dark grey expanse without even a moon to light their path.

The Mako rumbled across the terrain now heading straight for the listening post somewhere off in the distance. Ashley checked the map.

“Three klicks to the base,” she said.

Kaidan nodded, Wrex grunted, and Garrus made no response.

She spent some time looking at the ground scans and found something of note. One of the scans was picking up signs of rachni below ground. The light from the base was glowing dimly ahead of them. It seemed to be a typical underground prefab, but there was something not quite symmetrical about the buildings around it. She connected through to Garrus’ scope view, just as he made the announcement:

“We’ve got rachni nests, big ones.”

“And here I was thinking this job would be easy,” Wrex rumbled.

Kaidan eased the Mako towards the nearest mound, and Garrus hit the first rachni to appear with his cannon. Wrex took the second out with sustained machine gun fire and the fight was on. Ashley marked targets and the two in the back worked hard to keep up. Twice, acid hit the Mako inflicting damage to the hull before Wrex and Garrus figured out the best strategy for taking down large groups of the creatures: Garrus fired the cannon into the middle of a group, the impact knocked them off their feet, and then Wrex fired at them with the gun. Ashley checked the scans. There were more rachni, but they all seemed to be inside the compound itself.

“Let’s move out,” Kaidan said, and Wrex thumped the door control.

The clean-up of the base was easy compared with what they had already dealt with, but here there were no survivors. They found only two large rachni skulking in the corner and the little chicken-sized offspring proved no obstacle at all. What they did find, was a shipping manifest that suggested that the rachni had come from a ship in Argos Rho.

“The rachni infestation on Altahe seems to be the result of a supply drop. The logs you downloaded from the freighter meant we were able to backtrack the ship’s course to its origin: Depot Sigma-23.” Shepard tapped her datapad thoughtfully. “It’s likely that we will find more rachni there. Whether we can figure out what they are doing there remains to be seen.” She looked out at the assembled crew and Ashley was pleased to see that she seemed comfortable and relaxed, as she leaned back in her chair. “I’ll be leading a small team: Ashley and Liara. I want biotics for crowd control, but I need you to manage things here, Kaidan.” He looked up expectantly. “There is a military personnel carrier waiting to receive our guests. I want you to organise the handover. I’ve sent the details to your omni-tool.” He nodded.

Shepard was being kind. Buying Kaidan and Marie a little extra time before they had to separate. Ashley wondered if they would try to make the long-distance thing work.

“Williams, ready the gear. Liara, I’ll speak with you further. The rest of you, carry on.”

They met at the docking bay doors.

Shepard was looking over her weapons and Liara was bouncing lightly on her feet. The rebuke Ashley had been waiting for still hadn’t come. It was impossible that Shepard hadn’t noticed her insignia and N7 stripe were missing and equally impossible that Ashley wouldn’t be reprimanded for the ‘mistake’, so all week she had been planning her defence. Yet here they were, and Shepard still hadn’t said anything.

Shepard was positively cheerful. Ashley could hear the ill-concealed joy in her voice when she messaged through to the XO, “Pressley, what’s taking so long?”

“No one’s responding at their end, Commander. We’re doing everything the hard way.”

Shepard’s smile was delightful to behold and when she turned it towards Ashley, the marine felt her breath hitch before she responded with a grin of her own. It was good to have this squad back together. Not just because their specialities perfectly complemented each other, but there was an ease there as well. They, all three, knew loss and understood each other better because of it. At least, that is what Ashley put it down to. She turned her mind away from the dark thoughts that threatened and instead checked her shotgun, again.

“Commander, the Normandy is talking to their system. We can confirm that there are rachni onboard.”

“I’m not picking them up on the scanner.”

“There is an entrance corridor on the other side of the airlock that leads to the shipping warehouse. The rachni seem to be mostly confined to that area. It’s just outside of your scanner’s range, but you should pick them up fairly quickly once you are inside.”

“Copy.”

The door finally opened, and they walked into Depot Sigma-23. Aside from the buzzing of the lights and typical engine noises, it was eerily quiet on board what should have been a bustling delivery depot. They walked through a long entry corridor and finally came to the warehouse. A sprawling maze of stacked crates created endless ambush opportunities for the rachni they knew were hiding in the shadows. Ashley checked her scanner and found multiple blips. Shepard was already motioning them into position from her spot crouching low beside some machinery. The crates offered plenty of cover but that worked both ways. Shepard put Liara out of harm’s way where she’d be able to utilise her biotics and still be safe from acid attacks. It was the downside of the lighter armour. It seemed that Shepard was conscious of it, too; she signalled Ashley to take point.

They wound their way through the maze and Ashley was soon alerted to the approach of several rachni soldiers. She signalled to the others to prepare themselves, before swinging her shotgun to meet the small, green bugs. She heard a scrabbling sound from above and looked up in time to see an enormous rachni trapped in a blue corona of light. It was lifted higher into the air, where it spun slowly and harmlessly. Shepard took aim with her pistol and began shooting, but Liara moved her hands almost carelessly and the creature’s body crumpled. The trio worked their way through the warehouse, taking down one enemy after the other. At some point, their scanners jammed, and they could no longer check for hiding creatures. Ashley ground her teeth in frustration as Shepard signalled for them to keep moving forward. They were trying to get to the control centre, where they might be able to tap into the security feeds and logs. She saw the flick of an antennae behind a crate to her right but couldn’t get a bead on the creature itself. She gave the signal and Shepard moved Liara into position. The asari’s biotics flared as she flicked her wrist, lifting the rachni out from behind cover. The marines fired on the floating beast, and it exploded into a shower of acid and broken limbs.

“Ranger Three, your scanners are being actively jammed from within the depot itself. We are doing our best to unscramble the mess they’ve made but it could take some time. Over.” Charles Pressly’s voice came loud and clear through the helmet comms, piercing the silence.

“Copy that,” Shepard replied tersely. It was her serious voice, but she wasn’t angry. She’s still enjoying this; the challenge of it, the difficulty. This is how she survived Akuze, Ashley realised, or maybe, she reconsidered, once you survive something like that everything else seems trivial. She allowed a grin to creep onto her face. Shepard caught it and smiled back from behind her visor and just for a moment, Ashley forgot everything else. Liara cleared her throat and motioned for the pair to keep moving.

They found their way to the front of the ship and held their collective breath as the door panels slid open. There were no rachni on the other side, and nowhere for the full-grown ones to hide. Shepard led them into the infirmary. There were no people, dead or alive. Nor was there anyone in the cockpit. They made their way back along the corridor to another empty room. Ashley couldn’t have said with any surety what the room had been used for. It was almost as big as the sleeping quarters they’d passed on the way in, but unlike the barracks, this room was mostly empty. Except for a terminal. And what appeared to be a bomb.

She looked over to Shepard anxiously, but the Commander was already moving towards the haptic display of the terminal. She gave the bomb only a cursory glance before she began typing.

“Personal data recorder for Major Elena Flores.” Ashley watched as Shepard folded her arms and tilted her head to listen. “Sigma-23 is almost fully operational. The barracks and storage lockers are complete, and we’ve begun stocking the munitions. It is highly unlikely the Alliance will patrol in the nebula. I expect our only risk will be from pirates and who will believe them? Looks like we’ll have space for two reinforced platoons of Cerberus commandos.” Shepard hummed low in her throat, but that was the end of that entry. She keyed through to the next one. “The package arrived today for field testing. I’m told they are fundamentally similar to the units being developed on Noveria. They promise this batch will be stable. Something about them developing in proximity to the master control unit. We detected some pirates setting up anchorage in a neighbouring system. I think we will try deploying them there first.” Shepard tipped her head back thoughtfully but said nothing. Liara nodded, clearly having connected the dots between these units, the rachni on Noveria, and how they had spread throughout the Styx Theta cluster. “They’ve escaped containment. Clever bastards. We treated them like animals. We should have treated them like P.O.Ws. They’re spreading,” Elena Flores’ voice continued relentlessly. “Boarding the supply ships and sending them to random destinations. They’ll be all over the cluster in a week. General, if you recover this message, my advice is: screw the rachni. They’re too smart. Use one of the other projects. Flores, signing off… for the final time.” Shepard rubbed her shoulder, and then flinched. Ashley was suddenly aware of a low, rhythmic scraping noise, just audible in the silence. Liara opened the door, and the sound became much louder.

“The rachni!” Liara almost shouted, “they are trying to break through to the Normandy!”

“For fuck’s sake,” Shepard said, carefully enunciating each syllable, before looking down at the scuttle charges.

Ashley did a quick mental stocktake. There had been no survival pods. Nothing to help them get back to the Normandy without risking bringing the rachni with them, so they’d have to fight through however many remained.

Shepard was crouching low over the bomb, her fingers running along the sides, following wires up to the console, and shouting at Pressly. Finally, she turned back to Liara and Ashley.

“I’ll start the self-destruct sequence giving us enough time to get back to the Normandy. It should take care of the remaining rachni onboard. But if we are overrun, the Normandy has their orders to leave us behind. There will be no time to dick around. Understood?”

The scrabbling seemed to be all around them.

“Guys, they’ve plugged up your oxygen supply. Keep your helmets on and get the hell out of there!”

“Don’t leave me behind.” Liara said, “I’m not very good with directions,” she added sheepishly, then she chuckled; a joyless thing.

The three women nodded their mutual understanding, Shepard set the charges, and then they ran.

They blasted their way through a hoard of rachni soldiers; Ashley could only guess where they’d been hiding. Then a large rachni turned towards them, clambering away from the console it had been using. Ashley took it out with her rifle. They kept running through the twists and turns until they saw the glowing green light of the exit up ahead. They tumbled through and were met by a team of acid spitting little ones, which had been trying without much success to burn their way through to the Normandy on the other side. Ashley shot them dismissively, while Shepard screamed at Joker to open the doors and let them through.

They tumbled inside and the doors swished shut behind them.

“Decontamination in progress. Logged. The commanding officer is aboard. XO Pressly stands relieved,” the Normandy VI chirruped.

“Jesus Christ.” Ashley slumped to the floor.

Liara threw off her helmet and looked down at her, grinning.

Shepard was already back on the comms, leaning with one arm braced against the wall, her back turned to the other two. She seemed to be shouting questions at the poor unfortunate on the other end. The Normandy leapt away from the rachni infested ship as it exploded into dust behind them.

Ashley poured the scalding water into the teapot and carried it over to where Liara was sitting. They settled down quietly together, leaving the tea to steep a little longer. Kaidan and Lieutenant Durand sat alone on the other side of the mess, clearly oblivious to what was happening around them. Kaidan laughed at something Marie had said and she smiled joyfully back at him. Their knees touched under the table. Ashley peered into the empty teacup in her hands, the porcelain was cold against her skin.

“I don’t know how you marines do it,” Liara said, also fiddling with her cup.

“Do what?”

“Go into battle, risk everything, then come back to the same ship, and do it all over again.” She picked up the teapot and filled Ashley’s cup, then her own. “Those two understand the true nature of things.” She flicked her eyes towards the two Lieutenants. “Some people need someone to come home to.”

“Are you,” Ashley sucked in her breath theatrically, and then in mock horror finished with: “coming on to me?”

The asari rolled her eyes.

“You know who I am talking about.”

Tali sat down beside them. “You two need to stop gossiping about me all the time. It’s getting embarrassing,” she purred. Garrus was with her. He carefully lowered his body into a chair before sliding a bottle of Tupari towards Tali and opening one for himself.

“Hmmm.” Garrus made note of the cosy-looking human couple before losing interest. “I hear you two survived quite a mission.”

Liara gave them a brief rundown and finished with: “It was Cerberus, again.”

All three aliens turned to face Ashley, the angle of their chins giving away that they had questions about the human supremacist group.

She did not feel equipped to deal with the scrutiny, but these people were her friends and they deserved… something.

Her voice started soft and hesitant at first. “Humanity is new to space.” She suddenly found it hard to meet Garrus’ eye. Instead, she focused on the teacup in her hands, on its warmth. “Until I joined the Normandy, I hadn’t even spoken to another alien. I didn’t know anything. Just thought I did.” Her voice lowered in shame. “My understanding was based on stories, which were based on stories. Humanity has always been like that. Facts and logic don’t sway us; stories do. All it takes to manipulate a human is to get them to feel something deeply: anger, hate and fear are probably the most powerful emotions. Love and a sense of belonging are in there, too.” She frowned, trying to get her thoughts all tidy. “Once someone has attached an emotion to their understanding, all the facts and logic in the world won’t make a difference. It’s hard for humans to change their mind at that point.” She took a sip of her tea. “That’s what has happened with Cerberus, I think. It’s a bunch of people who have heard stories based on stories that have made them scared. They don’t trust that people in power have their best interests at heart, so they are trying to take power for themselves, to protect people that they care about. They can’t see the damage that they are doing, they cannot see that they have crossed a line, because they are too tied to their original feelings of fear.” She paused again, recognising the need to tread carefully. “The ideal would be to take each person in Cerberus, to make them feel safe, to introduce them to aliens, to help them understand that while the Council isn’t perfect, and the Systems Alliance isn’t perfect, and the governments of the nation-states aren’t perfect, they are doing a lot of good work and they are trying to do it ethically, in a way that preserves life and advances humanity. And when they do stuff up, there are equally ethical ways to create change.”

Garrus looked about to interrupt, but Ashley forged on ahead, needing to get the rest out before the inevitable debate.

“Humanity has always been at war. We’ll fight anyone for all sorts of reasons,” she smirked, knowing that she was tapping into the major stereotype that aliens recognised in humanity. “But we thrive when we come together, when we find new ideas, new cultures, new technology. Everyone is better off working together, finding common interests, seeing our strengths and weaknesses through the eyes of others, and advancing each other. It would be good if we could remind Cerberus of that. But the reality is we don’t have the time. They are not just in the way, but actively working to divide the Council species at a time when we need to be united.” She sighed. “It’s our job to take them down. We must do it as quickly and quietly as possible and the whole time, we need to be making sure that the right stories get back to Earth. Stories that attach positive emotions to uniting humanity and aliens, so that when the reapers come, we are ready.”

There was only silence following her proclamation.

As it stretched, she worried that what she had said had fallen flat, that she’d got it wrong, that she’d used the word ‘alien’ far too many times.

“What you have described is universal. All species that I have met, with the exception, perhaps, of the salarians, are swayed and controlled by the power of stories.”

Garrus hummed, his mandibles flaring, “Turians are one of the more religiously liberal species, but it is the power of stories that guide us. All species are susceptible to dogma.”

“And no society is fully united. Even the migrant fleet has factions. Most of us unite behind the story that one day we will reclaim Rannoch from the geth, but increasingly word is spreading of quarians who believe in something called the Nedas Movement. I don’t think they are dangerous. It is easier to control a population when the ship’s captain acts as arbitrator for almost all decisions and disputes. Even then, stories play a major role in decision making.”

The group settled into a comfortable silence and Ashley felt herself begin to relax into it.

“So,” Garrus stretched out the vowel in his bi-tonal drawl. “We take down Cerberus.” He curled his claws into a fist shape and held it out towards Ashley. She smiled at the human gesture and bumped her own fist against his.

“We take down Cerberus,” she agreed.

Chapter Text

Black coffee sat cooling in a mug next to the commander. The mission had stalled and the Normandy drifted aimlessly through space picking up jobs that the fifth fleet deemed important. Shepard was finding it increasingly difficult to hide her frustration as she scoured mission reports looking for any further hint of the geth, any sign of where the Mu relay might lead, where the conduit might be, or where Saren Arterius might have gone.

She leant over the star map, her elbows resting on the rail and her hands loosely clasped, her expression was blank. It was the second time Ashley had walked through the CIC this shift, and it looked as though Shepard had not moved at all. Ashley watched as Shepard lifted the cup to her lips, and expected to see a look of disgust when she realised how cold her coffee had become, but there was no change in expression, which was, in the end, as becalmed as the Normandy.

Ashley returned her gaze to her work, only partially aware of Shepard communicating with Joker via her omni tool. People drifted in and out of her peripheral vision and Jordan Riordan stopped in front of her to talk about some of her recent requisition requests. The man had recently been assigned to the Normandy after their last stopover at the Citadel. He had a natural charm and seemed to find it easy to make friends. All Ash really knew about him was that he talked a lot in his sleep. Even his sleep-banter sounded friendly. Their conversation finished and she found her attention drifting back to the commander who was standing tall in front of the star map.

“… killing former Alliance scientists. There have been four deaths in the past month.”

“I’m happy to look into it, Admiral.” Shepard didn’t look particularly enthusiastic. Her stony face hadn’t changed. “What can you tell me?”

“We found a connection between the scientists and you. They all worked on a classified project several years ago.” Admiral Hackett’s voice paused here, before continuing in a slightly lower register. “On Akuze.”

“Akuze?” Shepard’s hand reached for her collar bone before lowering it again quickly with a frown. “I lost my whole unit there. You’re saying our scientists were involved?” No one else seemed to be paying attention, but Ashley found herself paralysed by what she was hearing.

“I can’t get any information on what they were working on. The project records were sealed. Commander.” Another pause. “Shepard.” Hackett took a breath as if afraid of what he was about to say. When he spoke again, though, it was with the same carefully moderate tone he always used. “What you do with this is up to you, I just thought you’d want to know. There was one other scientist on the project: Doctor Wayne. I’m transmitting his last known coordinates. Good luck. Fifth fleet out.”

Shepard leant forward against the star map rails again. She looked lost in thought. Her omni tool buzzed. She tapped in a few instructions before frowning down at the cheerfully glowing star map.

She turned to sweep down the ramp. “Joker, I need a course set for Ontarom, Kepler Verge.”

Within moments she was in her office; the door display lit with a forbidding red circle.

“All I’m saying, Ash, is that if this music is for everyone, then why, even after all these years, is hardly anyone playing it? If you are from a disadvantaged background, you are not going to keep learning the cello, after a certain point, even if you are given the opportunity to take lessons from some random teacher in your backwater colony school.” Ashley frowned, listening patiently to Joker’s tirade. “This music is still for the elite. And it is almost exclusively played by people from Earth.”

His fingers hadn’t stopped moving across the haptic control panel in front of him.

They were talking over the top of Nielson’s fifth symphony.

“And, when I think about it,” Ashley was nodding thoughtfully, “when we think of serious classical composers, we are still talking about men that died hundreds of years ago. I can name male composers that died 500 years ago. I can’t name a woman from even 200 years ago. I guess we, as a species, decided early on which creatives we valued and the music perpetually defined itself in that image after that. Musicians who didn’t fit that predetermined mold found their creative outlets elsewhere, because they knew they’d never rise through the ranks in classical music.” Ashley huffed out a stream of air. “Jesus, that’s depressing.”

Joker stilled his hands and looked across at her.

“Why do we love it so much then?” he asked, seriously.

She frowned, attempting to find her own reasons.

“Probably,” he answered his own question, “because we are the elite.”

She looked at his fitted cap, his loosely rolled sleeves and unshaven beard and thought about the grease she had only recently removed from under her fingernails. She chuckled, delighting at the idea that the pair of them might consider themselves elite-anything. But then her eyes kept wandering. Orange lights glowed bright throughout the bridge, as the green and purple gasses of the Kepler Verge spun madly beyond the windows; she thought about their team, their equipment, their ship and their captain. And not for the first time, she wondered if Jeff “Joker” Moreau almost always used humour to mask a deeper truth. She raised her eyebrow and was about to respond when Shepard interrupted, by stomping her way up the causeway behind them.

“What is that?!” Shepard looked genuinely horrified and was actually covering her ears with her hands like a child.

Joker quickly switched the music off. Ashley hadn’t thought it was that bad. The snare drums hadn’t even started which was the part of that particular piece of music that Ashley always found mildly offensive. They’d been listening to a slow movement, with violins. Sort of calm on the surface but with hidden hints of excitement building underneath.

“You two like that stuff? Sounded like cats yowling in an alleyway.” Shepard was not making a joke. This was her irritated voice. “I’ve never understood violin music. If you want to listen to something that high pitched why not make yourself useful and take on some Blood Pack vorcha.”

This was unfair. Vorcha voices could not be considered to be high pitched by any metric. Jeff turned his head minutely towards Ashley and shook it slowly and very subtly. She understood the unspoken message. Go easy on her. As if Ashley needed to be told.

Shepard continued, “Have you prepped the gear, Williams?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“It’ll be 58°C down there.”

This was not a temperature that even the most basic modern armour would struggle with. “It’s ready, ma’am.”

“Anti-personnel rounds installed?”

“On the pistols, ma’am. Tungsten in the rifles and sledgehammer rounds in the shotguns. I figured there might be merc forces down there and this should cover our bases if we run into trouble.” It was hard to tell if Shepard was even listening, but she nodded.

“ETA?” she turned to Jeff.

“Three hours, Commander,” he replied gently.

Pale light danced across her stern expression as she stared stonily out of the bow windows. Her jaw muscles flickered twice and then settled. “I should go. Finish preparations.” And with that she turned and walked back towards the CIC.

“You ever read the report on Akuze?” Joker asked, once Shepard was safely out of earshot.

“Tried too,” Ashley admitted with a shrug. “Everything on her is classified since she became a Spectre.”

“Hmmm,” Joker nodded, “Sure, but you can get to it easily enough by looking for the generic mission report. On those, the only thing that’s been redacted is her name. Pretty stupid. Everyone in Alliance Space knows that she was the only one to survive that mess. It was called Operation Dead Air. An entire settlement, a communication hub, dropped out of contact, so they sent a bunch of marines, most fresh out of boot camp, to investigate.”

“Everyone heard about it.” Ashley picked up the story. “I was still in training when the news broke. Forty-nine dead and missing, only one marine made it back to the LZ. Footage of her with that fucking N7 stripe on her arm, her armour burnt to shit, barely holding together, medics pouring medi-gel on to a shoulder that looked like ground beef. No helmet, hair slick with sweat and blood. Refusing to look at the camera. Then they showed pictures of the site. Truck wreckages everywhere that had been ripped open or melted, bodies hanging out of them. Then the camera zoomed out so you could see the thresher maws. Three of them dead in the dirt.”

“Hell of a thing to survive.” Joker looked momentarily unsure. “You look after her down there. I never heard anything about scientists until Hackett’s intel came through, and something about it stinks. Read the mission report. It just doesn’t feel right. Never has.”

“You don’t trust Hackett?”

“Eh, I don’t trust anyone that makes more than I do, but no, it’s something else. The colony knew there were threshers living on the planet, they built well away from any nests which were well marked and documented as hazardous no-go zones.”

“So,” Ashley finished for him as realisation hit, “why did the threshers attack?”

Chapter Text

Several booted feet drumming against floor panels announced Shepard’s arrival. Her instructions were terse but impossible to hear clearly through the Mako’s heavy plating. Only when she stood in front of the open hatch, could Liara and Ashley be sure who she was talking to. Shepard gave her final commands to XO Pressley, before clambering in and closing the door herself.

With eyes carefully expressionless, Shepard clambered through the body of the vehicle to the driver’s seat and Ashley could not help but notice new stripes of paint on her right arm. A thick band of red edged with white: the N7 detail. She must have painted her armour herself.

Clenching her jaw, she looked down at her lap before she felt Liara’s gaze hard upon her. She could read the unasked question in the look, but didn’t know how to respond, or explain the rage she felt in that moment. Didn’t know how to explain to her friend that her other friend was being a complete tool and risking her life in the battlefield just so that she could wear some stupid reminder that she passed a test for elite soldiers and doing it in such an obvious way that any enemy combatants with eyes would know that she was the threat and should be taken down first. Ashley took a breath. She shook her head subtly to let Liara know that she was fine, before all three of them donned their helmets.

Shepard began working through the pre-drop checks. She used her deep voice as she worked through each step.

“Joker, the Mako is standing by.”

“Copy Ranger Three, we’ll be dropping you down in 30.”

Shepard’s hands clenched and relaxed before they moved back to the controls. The drop took place without issue and Shepard landed the Mako just as gently as Kaidan ever did, though Ashley couldn’t help but notice the tense lines of the commander’s shoulders.

Ontarom was a verdant planet, full of green planes and sizable canyons. The only life they found as they made their way southeast from the landing zone was what appeared to be sizeable, but slow-moving beetles. She marked some of them and labelled them as benign for the benefit of the VI scanners before continuing to scan the terrain. It wasn’t long before they were in view of the base and Ashley could make out human figures.

Shepard parked the Mako even as the mercenaries fired upon them.

“What the hell have we walked into?” Shepard asked no one in particular. Then, spoke so that the people outside could hear: “Hold your fire. We’ve been sent by the Alliance Fi—”

Before she could finish her pacifying speech, a grenade bounced off the nose of the Mako and exploded on the ground in front of them.

Shepard rolled the vehicle back a little way, but that only seemed to encourage the gang outside, who moved in to surround the tank.

Shepard tried once more: “We have come at the request of the Alliance Fifth Fleet to—” What they had come at the request of the Fifth Fleet to do, the mercenaries outside would never know. A sniper took aim at the Mako’s engine casing and Shepard had had enough.

The battle did not last long. The poorly armoured mercs were no match for the marines. Shepard was patient and methodical, only firing once fired upon, but the mercenaries fought as though possessed, refusing to surrender, even down to their last man.

When the grounds were finally silent and Shepard called from them to disembark, it was with a heavy heart that Ashley climbed out and looked upon the waste of human life. It is almost impossible to take a non-lethal shot when firing from a tank, and she did not waste time checking for life signs. When they gathered at the entrance to the base, she felt scratchy and irritable.

“We can’t know for sure why these mercenaries are here, but our objectives remain the same. Find Doctor Wayne. Invite him to come with us for protection. We have to assume that these people mean him harm or they would have stopped fighting when hailed. They attack, you respond. He pātai?”

No. Ashley found her eyes drawn back to the red and white stripe on Shepard’s armour. No questions.

With a grinding roar, the compound door opened and a huge krogan burst out at them before Ashley could think to answer the commander. He lunged straight towards Liara, perhaps somehow recognising her as asari and believing her biotics posed the greater threat, but Ashley moved in and shot him with her shotgun at point blank range. She wasn’t even sure how the weapon had come to be in her hand; she was almost certain she’d been checking her pistol before the door had opened. It slowed him long enough that Shepard and Liara could deal their own damage and before long he was lying cold and still.

“What the hell is going on here?” Ashley asked no one in particular.

They made their way into the front foyer. Noises could be heard coming from rooms beyond as they crept as quietly as their boots would let them. A quick sweep revealed nothing.

Shepard signalled for the two other women to take cover, while she herself opened the corridor hatch.

They were badly outnumbered. Mercenaries shouted their battle cries before firing weapons blindly down the corridor towards them. Shepard was forced to retreat quickly before finding a better position and firing back with trained precision. It was a slow fight. The marines were unwilling to move into the open of the room and the mercs were equally unwilling to rush into their fire. It took a combination of biotics, tech, and good old-fashioned weaponry to subdue to the combatants, and when the marines finally walked into the base proper, they were surprised by the number of bodies. Dozens of civilians, office workers and scientists lay in tangled heaps; many had died hiding beneath their desks. Blood dribbled thickly off surfaces to pool in black puddles on the floor.

“Too late,” Shepard muttered, still moving inexorably towards another inner door.

When the door opened, Ashley quickly replaced her large firearm with her pistol. It took longer for her to make sense of the tableau that greeted them.

“Stay back! All I want is this bastard!”

A surviving scientist was being held at gunpoint by a heavily, if cheaply, armoured mercenary. The scientist was crying out incoherently. Shepard moved into the room, motioning Liara to ready her biotics even as she checked her pistol.

“Mr Toombs, you’re insane. You need help!” he cried desperately.

Predictably, this only inflamed the situation. In her periphery, Shepard stilled like a rabbit beneath a hawk’s shadow.

Ashley looked towards her and so did the man named Toombs. He frowned, his eyes fell on her N7 sleeve.

“Shepard? My god, Shepard. Is that you?”

The commander unfroze and with none of her usual grace, removed her helmet.

“Corporal? But… I saw you die on Akuze.” Her last word seemed to echo horribly in that cavernous space.

“They took me, Shepard. The scientists.” His voice cracked. He sounded desperate. He sounded unhinged.

The man who Ashley suspected was the Doctor Wayne they had come to find, began to shriek his innocence. Shepard and Toombs ignored him completely. The resurrected marine kept his weapon trained firmly on the doctor’s head and gave Shepard his story in horrifying detail.

He claimed the thresher maws had been lured to the military encampment by Cerberus scientists. Their intention was not only to study the maws, but to figure out if they could be weaponised and controlled. Apparently, they had had some success using ground vibrations to manipulate the huge worms, but needed to test the control during combat situations. Judging by the casualty rate, the experiment had not been a successful one. Ashley felt bile rise in her throat as Toombs relived the horror of that awful night. And still his outstretched arm holding his pistol didn’t waver. She felt tired just looking at it.

“I woke up chained to a hospital gurney. The scientists were delighted I had survived. That they'd... brought me back.” Toombs continued the story beyond anything covered by the Alliance reports. No one knew he had survived nor that he had been taken as a test subject. The captivity he described was awful. Beyond anything Ashley could imagine surviving. “He was there. He knows the truth.” He stopped to look at the doctor. They all did. Toombs turned back Shepard. “This man deserves to die. For you, for me, for everyone else in the unit. Are you with me?” This last was a hoarse whisper.

Jesus.

Shepard was quiet and still for a very long time.

Liara, silently removed her own helmet and looked beseechingly at the commander who resolutely refused to make eye contact. Liara’s hand reached out to touch Shepard gently on her arm as if she’d be able to feel it, as if it would bring her back to the here and now. Shepard didn’t feel it, or at least did not make a move to acknowledge it. Her jaw, Ashley noticed, had clenched but had not unclenched, and her finger had begun to curl around the trigger. When Shepard subtly readied her stance, Ash clipped her pistol to her hip and pivoted to face Shepard, hands open in supplication, her ears roaring with mental static at the horror of what she might be about to attempt to do. Shepard registered her movement. Ashley watched her eyes widen, then soften. All this was the work of a moment, but it happened in slow motion as if they were moving through low gravity without mass effect shields. Shepard breathed out slowly and nodded; time reverted to normal speed.

“You’re better than this, Toombs.” Shepard said to her old squad mate. “You’re not like them.”

“Don’t tell me who I am! You got away with a few scratches and a scary reputation!” he cried. “The rest of the unit died, and I was tortured for years, Shepard! You can’t judge me. You don’t have the right!”

Shepard began to raise her voice to match his, “Would our unit want revenge or justice?”

He stood there, breathing quickly and shallowly. Finally, he decided, “Okay. I’m no murderer.” At this Ashley could not help but let out a noise of surprise. She had just picked her way through a room full of corpses after all. “Just as long as he goes to trial.” Doctor Wayne would not be the only one facing trial, Ashley knew. Not after this.

Shepard settled in to comfort her old friend.

Ashley could barely make out her voice, low and slow: “Those bastards can’t hurt you anymore.”

The red-light display glowed on Shepard’s door as it had for hours and hours and hours.

With her duties done, Ashley went to find the new comms guy. She tracked him to the observation deck where he was sitting with Tucks, just packing up a board game and clearing away empty bottles. Her timing was perfect, Tucks was just leaving.

Jordan Riordan listened attentively as she explained what she wanted, and as she talked, his eyes crinkled with excitement as he worked through the problem. His questions were intelligent and when he outlined the solution and explained the tech and how upgrades typically get packaged across Alliance space, Ashley’s excitement grew with his enthusiasm.

“So, it can be done? You’re sure?” It seemed too straightforward. Too easy.

“Easier than you’d think.” His eyes grew mournful and a frown slowly spread over his brow. “Except one thing.”

Ashley waited expectantly, but Riordan continued to frown thoughtfully, his face almost screwed up in concentration. She raised an eyebrow and opened her hands, wordlessly begging him to continue, to get to the part where they could problem-solve their way back to a solution.

“New guy points,” he said with theatrical heaviness.

What? “What?”

“I’ll miss out on the new guy points. You tell me the Commander’s name, well, that information is worth a tonne of new guy points.”

Ashley could not hide her confusion. “What the hell are new guy points?”

“When you’re the new guy, you need to find ways to be liked; to get noticed. It’s like a point system. Buy a round, play the same sport as some other guy, tell good stories, good jokes, or,” he paused meaningfully, “dish some dirt on your commanding officer.”

Ashley felt the heat in her face rise. Her shoulders tensed and she readied herself to knock him flat on his back.

“Woah, woah, woah.” He smiled and put up his hands, soothingly. “You really don’t know about the new guy points? That joke should have been worth five at least.”

She let out a huff of air. “The new guy would get more points if he can prove he can keep a confidence.”

“See! You do know about new guy points.” He grinned, and this time Ash returned it. “Trust me, Chief. I’ve got this. Her secret’s safe with me.”

And Ashley believed him.

“Points on delivery,” she replied, firmly.

Chapter Text

"Hey Ash. Thanks for coming up."

Standing slightly behind him in the dark she found herself hesitating before sitting in the chair next to Joker's. As usual, he had carefully turned off all panel access so she couldn't accidentally do whatever it was that he thought she might accidentally do. Unusually, he had also closed the glass panels and opened a screen to reveal the flight deck behind them. It was an eerie and unfamiliar set-up. She felt instantly wary.

"How's Sarah doing? She get her exam results back yet?"

"No, not yet," Ashley hesitated. "Not that I've heard, anyway." It was obvious Joker hadn't called her in just to talk about Sar's high school examinations. She wished she was the sort of person who could make idle conversation, the kind of person that would let her friends say what needed to be said in their own time. But she wasn't. "Jeff? What's going on?"

"It's…" he sighed. "Have you spoken to the commander… since Ontarom?"

She had not. Shepard's door had remained stubbornly closed. Ashley hated to admit how many times she had walked past on some pretence just to check if the display colour had changed. It hadn't. Not until the following day. Shepard must have slipped out to do something and Ashley had found her standing in the kitchen staring at a tray of food. She'd tried to say 'hi,' but Shepard had leapt as if she'd been stung, apologised, and then left without another word. After Ashley's own feeling of panic had eased, she'd picked up the tray, with the aim of dropping it off to the captain's cabin. Shepard did not answer her knocks, or message her on her omni-tool as she had done once before.

"No."

Jeff leaned forward, typing. Something obvious by Vivaldi filled the cabin, just loud enough to be heard and quiet enough to ignore. He let the violins swell, mournfully.

"I think she needs help. I think you need to talk to her."

"Me? Chakwas…"

"If Chakwas hasn't noticed already, I'll eat my hat. She'll be doing what she can, but Shepard's a marine and PTSD is a dirty acronym. She's a Spectre because she survived Akuze, we only get to hunt Saren and save the world from reapers because she's a Spectre. How long do you think we'll have that kind of power if the Alliance figures out their poster girl is suffering from traumatic stress?"

"They can't stop her. Spectres—"

Joker rolled his eyes. "Fine. Lemme put it to you this way: are you ok with the fact that the person who's been entrusted to hunt Saren and save the world from reapers is suffering from trauma induced stress?"

Ashley was quiet, slowly absorbing the awkward sentence structure, finding meaning within the tone.

"What do I do? No. Wait." Ashley stopped. "I'm not the one who should be doing this. Kaidan…"

"Would definitely be my first pick, too. Yeah. Obvious choice for almost anyone else," said Joker. "But he will one hundred percent rub her the wrong way." He grinned across at her, but she couldn't figure out why. He shrugged and continued: "He starts talking in metaphors, you think he means one thing and then… all I'm saying is: You need to step up. She will listen to you. I know it."

"What am I even supposed to say? What—"

"Shhh!" Jeff hissed quietly, but Ash didn't need to be told. Shepard's silhouette loomed behind them, growing larger in the display as she approached. He swiped the screen and her shape disappeared, replaced now by approaching footsteps.

"Urggh." Shepard groaned without humour. "Again. That music." Ash turned in time to see her frown, darkly. When she made eye contact with Ashley her expression changed. "Never mind, Jeff. Can't remember what I came up here to talk about anyway." And with that, she turned on her heel and left.

Jeff eyed Ash expectantly and when she did not immediately jump out of her chair and chase after their commanding officer, he jerked his head. The signal was unmistakable. Ashley replied with a mock grimace before she jumped out of the chair to chase after their commanding officer.

Then the doubt gripped her. Fighting she could do. Hand-to-hand, rockets, guns, grenades, booby-traps; she could plan, defend, attack, double-cross, sneak, gain the high ground, fight from the low ground, she knew the importance of every tactical advantage and when to throw them away if it meant a bigger win, later. But what the fuck was she supposed to say to Shepard.

"Joker?"

"I don't know what you are supposed to say to her. I just know that she actually listens to you, so as long as you don't shut down, don't lose your temper, and remember that she is going through some really bad shit right now, you'll be fine."

"I do not lose my temper. I don't shut down!" she hissed angrily. When she realised how stupid she sounded, she shut her mouth, frowning and became still with realisation.

Ah.

She waved her hand at him and spun away in the direction Shepard seemed to have gone.

She did not have to go far. Shepard was sitting at a table in the mess, an untouched tray of food in front of her and a blank expression that failed to hide tired eyes and unusually pallid skin. Through a quick serious of gestures and facial expressions, Shep agreed that Ash was welcome to join her. Ashley nodded, then turned into the kitchen proper to brew them some athame flower tea. She knew the other woman would prefer coffee, but her exhaustion was painful to look at.

She chose the bench opposite Shepard who slid the tray to the side and seemed to instantly forget about it. The teacup made a quiet grinding noise as Ash slid it across the table top, replacing the tray. Her CO thanked her impassively, appearing lost in thought. The silence stretched out and became stillness. The clicking of cooling systems, the humming of machinery, voices, and footsteps, the buzzing of the refrigerator, these sounds swelled in the silence, becoming powerful and significant where they should have been as easy to ignore as rustling leaves. Shepard was staring at a spot on the table and seemed to have completely forgotten Ashley's presence. Ashley still had no idea what to say. So she used an old trick; she stretched out a little, feigning relaxation after a long day, feigned being totally at ease with the silence.

It worked.

Shepard remembered she was there, and presumably realised the silence was hers to do with as she wished. She cleared her throat and tapped at the still-too-hot cup of tea.

"You really like that music, huh?" It was a place to start, so Ashley nodded. "It's so strange, though. Hard to listen to. It doesn't have a rhythm. It's high pitched, like knives scraping on dinnerware. Why do you like it so much?" The tone wasn't angry, but it was something. Frustrated perhaps. Ashley could not be sure.

"It doesn't all sound like that." Ashley began, carefully. "Sometimes there is a rhythm and it isn't always high pitched." Shepard looked at her for the first time and Ashley felt encouraged enough to continue. "I guess I like it because it is about life." At this, Shepard snorted and then apologised with only her eyes. Ashley so badly wanted to explain herself well. She restarted, pausing much too often to sound fluent. "It is a story about life." She stopped thoughtfully, frowning down at the table. "And life… is…" She managed finally to get her thoughts in order, "chaotic. Rhythm takes chaos and puts it into order, but it is not very honest. Life is ups and downs, good moments and bad. Sometimes those stories cannot be told using a repeated rhythm. Sometimes life is more like the ebb and flow of a river, logs and animals create eddies and whirlpools, sometimes forcing it to forge a new path. How do you tell the story of a leaf twisting in the wind with a kick drum rhythm and a guitar? How do you use music to describe the sense of fear and pride before a battle? How do you use music to tell the story of people? That kind of story is more like a –no, not a dance exactly—a conversation. Because life is unpredictable. I think I like that kind of music because each piece is telling a story, and each story is different, but they are all familiar. At some point I have lived that melody, or I can imagine a moment that would be a good fit. A well-chosen piece of music can help me work through feelings, things I can't put into words, but need to feel despite that."

She huffed and frowned, wishing she hadn't said that last bit. She looked up and saw that Shepard was smiling gently.

"If I didn't know better I'd say that sounded rehearsed." Shepard took a sip of tea and grimaced as it scalded her tongue. She replaced the cup carefully, and licked her lips, before smiling again. "Ok. How 'bout this? Life is rhythm. It's a heartbeat." She stopped to thump her chest with her fist creating a soft da-dum, da-dum, da-dum sound. "It's the ticking of an ancient clock, it is marching boots, it's blinking lights. Its order. It's humanity building perfectly uniform prefabs, and it's mathematics. The story of life and humanity's place in it is told through rhythm, and lyrics, and the choice of instruments. Humanity has always tried to make order out of chaos. Why would our music be any different?"

"I am now willing to concede," Ashley said formally, "that there is room in the world for both kinds of music."

"Yeah, fair enough," Shepard agreed, comfortably.

They lapsed into silence that was shattered when Shepard said: "You have stopped painting my armour with the pre-sets. Why?" Shepard's voice was deep. It was her serious voice; the voice she used when concentrating. When she looked towards Ashley to check the question was heard and understood, her eyes were blank.

Ashley felt her whole head prickle with sudden heat. The roar of static filled her ears and she fought to gain control of herself, instead, feelings of anger and resentment bubbled to the surface.

"Wouldn't you prefer a big red and white bullseye? We could paint that across your chest." Here Ashley drew an angry circle in the air in front of her own torso. "If you want to make yourself a target, let's at least give them a clear point to aim at." Ashley frowned in frustration remembering Joker's warning. She sucked in air and forced herself to sound calm and reasonable. "I know it is a big deal, being an N7. You deserve to have that acknowledged every day, but you have to know that every bad guy in Alliance space probably knows what that stripe means. They know it's in their interest to take you out first. You aren't just a marine anymore. You are the captain. A Spectre. You are the one person leading the fight against Saren. You matter to… a lot of people," she finished, weakly.

She waited. She wasn't shutting down. Just waiting for Shepard to respond. She waited a long time.

"I think," Shepard finally responded, "that not many people know about the N7 detail. If I'm honest, I'm not sure how you know about it. It's not like it's advertised." She looked at Ashley who in turn refused to answer the unspoken question. Shepard shrugged and continued, "I worked my way through the N-program not long after joining the military. I guess someone saw some promise, and I got some pretty good encouragement." She stopped talking, ran a hand through her hair, picked up her tea and drank. "You know I was accidentally exposed to eezo? Someone somewhere has me listed as a biotic. I have an implant and everything. Never did any good though. I was never able to work out how to use my magic powers. I hate that. Never told anyone, not even Kaidan. I guess no one likes admitting that they are a failure. I joined the military a year after the surgery and worked hard to make up for it. I wonder sometimes. If I had been able to work my biotics, if I could have learned to do what Kaidan can do, would I have been able to save someone on Akuze? Some biotics can make a shield in the air. I could have stopped the acid. I could have thrown people out of the way, into safety."

Ashley had heard about latent biotics. She felt a prickle of horror. She imagined Akuze, with it's harsh, unforgiving landscapes, it's rocky crags. She imagined the threshers coming. She imagined the desperation and the fight. She didn't, however, need to imagine the pointless guilt of wishing you could do more.

The CO's eyes were staring into the middle distance and when she began to talk again her voice had become a staccato monotone.

"It was dark when the threshers came and we had set up camp for the night. We were just in our tents, light fabric things, not armoured, we had plans to set out for the comms base in the morning and find out what had made them go silent. We'd been delayed. The timings were wrong, so we were in the tents." Her eyes were very far away. "I was on night patrol, and we heard… we felt the rumbling in the ground. Thought it was an earthquake. Back then we didn't even know what thresher maws were. By the time we figured out it was something terrestrial, it was almost too late. We raced to the trucks to get the spotlights working, but by then people were already screaming. I had six guys in a Mako. We were trying to dodge the acid, and take the threshers down at the same time. But the guy driving, Harris, he couldn't drive for shit. He actually drove straight into some of our own men before I could get to him."

Shepard's knee began to bounce. Ashley could feel the vibrations under the table. "I tried to get my people out of there. Out in a straight line. Just the fastest route. Away. Assumed everyone else would be doing the same, but they weren't. The comms were a mess; too many people in the chain were missing. Too many guys just screaming. They were just screaming in dark. I did what I could, ordered people into the trucks, to get the armour running and retreat. We were playing this weird game of cat and mouse. By this time, hours have passed you understand? We had maybe, twenty marines who could fight. We found the bigger guns. By the time you were close enough to hit it with an assault rifle you were already dead. I watched one guy, don't even know his name, get swallowed. Those things… their mouths are full of spiny teeth. This guy, in the end, he just watched his death coming; he knew he was done. He just looked at those teeth and waited for his own death. He probably had kids somewhere, lots of those guys did. The order came to spread out, and fire from different angles. Those worms took us one by one. Toombs was dead. I'm sure I saw him. I'm sure I saw him in the dirt, in the blood. But maybe…" Her voice cracked. "We did manage to take one down like that. One. I watched my friend, Jen…"

She took a shaky breath, her knee still jerking violently. "I watched her. In the end, it was us and one other truck. We tried to make for the ridges. I figured those fuckin' worms would have a harder time digging through rock. But they got us. Came right up underneath us, blew out our tank's armour and their acid did the rest. Some of my people hadn't managed to get their armour on, they were just wearing fatigues. Melted onto their skin. If I had been able to get up some kind of biotic shield… I tried, you know? Just in case it worked better under pressure. Nothing happened, of course... I grabbed Harris, Walker, Cotter-Huxley, and Miggs and told them to make for the ridge. It was too far away, but I thought they might be able to get out on foot. While they headed out, I headed back in. I found guns and then rigged the dead Mako to explode. I was watching you see, they have a pattern of attack, they feel the vibrations and they can predict where their prey will be, but they are a bit like whales, they come up at pretty even intervals and I figured I could steer them to attack my rigged up Mako-bomb. I thought about heading back into camp. Screams carry across desert. There were people out there. I could hear them. They were much quieter by this time. When the wind was in the right direction I could hear the actual words – 'medic', 'help', 'God' – the kinds of things we always cry when we are being slowly melted by acid. It finally got a bit lighter and with my helmet's night vision I could make out some of the melted shapes. There was this Mako that looked like it might get going. I got underneath it, trying to bring enough of its systems back on line, trying not to make any vibrations in the ground while I was working, but there were fewer people around now, nothing left to distract them. I was just so… and I kept dropping the wrench, every time it landed it sounded like a gong. I swear I heard that ringing sound for the rest of the morning, just repeating in my ears. I couldn't escape it. Couldn't escape. I pushed Ray out of the seat, I wasn't… his body just kind of hung there but I didn't have time… I had to save the rest. I got the truck running but it was just this open hull and an absolute bitch to manoeuvre."

Ashley wanted to ask Shepard to stop. But the relentless voice continued. "I drove to get the thresher behind me. I needed it chasing, and not overtaking. I had to have the timing perfect and it took a while to get it right. I drove toward my bomb, and then I stopped. The thresher came up underneath it and just… it just exploded acid everywhere, and that was the end of my truck. I wasn't going to get her going again after that. I was screaming with pain by then. Like everyone else. The acid got me. I ripped my helmet off in time, but I took too long to shake my top half." Shepard, unconsciously, put her hand up to her collarbone; it rested there for a moment, before her hand dropped to the table.

"We still had one more to get," she said, "but by then I couldn't find anyone well enough to help. I sat with Kane Okutomi for a while. He was scared and I needed to catch my breath. Kane was just a kid. He still had acne on his forehead, you know. Way, way too young to watch his friend Sato die beside him. He was holding Sato's hand when I found him, begging his friend to wake up and help him reach the medi-gel packet. You see his legs were... he didn’t have any... he…" Ashley nudged Shep's tea closer. Letting her know she was allowed to stop.

Shepard picked the cup up with both hands and held it close. "I did my best. I waited with him… for him to... The thresher was still hunting. But I couldn't think of how to kill it. In the end, I rigged up a long line of tech mines. Found them in the back of a ripped open truck. Walking softly, softly, laid out two and left the rest in the truck. I wasn't doing too well so my plan wasn't perfect, and I was probably limping a bit hard to really be moving careful enough. It found me earlier than I wanted; I was way too close to the blast zone; I wasn't wearing enough armour, but I also wasn't going to be able to outrun it. Had no choice but to detonate the mines. When I woke up, the sun, Nsalo it's called, was high overhead and I was running out of blood. I went to rally the survivors, to find the ones who were left. It was so quiet." Her knee finally stopped bobbing. "I found a comms unit. They gave me a medal."

Ashley waited, but Shepard had exhausted herself.

Ashley nudged her own foot against Shepard's and began, croakily, "Shepard, I—"

But Shepard had been startled into the present by the touch and continued, sounding somewhat panicked, "That's why I need that stripe. That stripe got me through. I couldn't put up a shield. I couldn't save a single fucking person," she practically spat the words, though her voice wasn't much louder than a whisper, "but that paint reminded me I wasn't weak. That I could do things. That I could try. Maybe next time I will be enough."

Jesus. Fuck.

Ashley couldn't think properly.

She sat silent for a long time.

"Shepard, it's a target. I'm not painting that stripe on your armour. It’s my job to protect you."

Shepard looked mutinous, "I don't need protecting."

They both flinched at the familiar words. The same words that Ashley had growled furiously at Shep from a hospital gurney.

Shepard smiled first.

Ashley blushed furiously which seemed to encourage Shep further.

It wasn't long before they were chuckling nervously, and soon after that they were laughing the hysterical laughs of people who have survived, and who were almost maddened by the fact. The laughs of people who desperately needed an outlet, the laughs of people who desperately wanted to cling to each other but couldn't. The laughs of people who were tired of sitting in dark rooms, crying.

Ashley thought of the krogan from Ontarom, the one who had seen them all and still decided Liara was the biggest threat.

"We are basically a band of mercenaries," Ashley said, carefully. Shepard, calm now, raised an eyebrow in encouragement. "We are paid by the Alliance and the council, captained by a mere Commander with the unlimited power of a Spectre, flying a turian-human experiment. We do not fall into the traditional naval categories. We can make our own rules because there has never been a crew like us on a ship like ours. What if we all had different armour?"

"We'd look like mercenaries, constantly underestimated by our enemies. Even Alliance soldiers wouldn't know what to make of us." Shepard understood Ashley's point, perfectly.

"Your arm band wouldn't stand out."

"My arm band wouldn't stand out," Shepard agreed.

They drank their cold tea, and Ashley did not move her foot away.

Chapter Text

“Commander Marama Shepard, this is Rear Admiral Kahoku. You did some work for me. We met on the Citadel.” 

“I remember it well, Sir.” 

“Commander, are we on a secure channel?” 

“Not yet, Sir. I will have the call patched through to our comms room if you don’t mind holding.”  

“That would be for the best.” 

Shepard stepped away from the star map and walked down the ramp without looking at any of her crew. 

Most of the marines and planning division were together in the comms room, where there was no natural warmth. It was a place lacking in soft furnishings and clutter, full of off-grey panels and bolted down seats. There wasn’t even a table, so presentations had to be planned in such a way that information could be imparted via omni-tools and screens. An environment like that didn’t lend itself to creativity, or off-the-cuff thinking. For all that, it was one of the very rare times when they could all be together, and Ashley appreciated the homey feel of being surrounded by family.  

It was a briefing that summarised much of the work they had been doing and helped prepare them for the work ahead. Kaidan was presenting; Shepard and XO Pressley stood at the back together, she with her arms folded, and he occasionally leaning in to mutter darkly to her. 

“In summary,” he said, “Saren is using technology that has never been seen before to turn people into husks, a sort of mechanised zombie that he seems able to control. Saren also raised the geth to act as an advance army. They construct the technology that in turn creates the husks. Not only are husks difficult to take down, but it is an excellent strategy for undermining the existing forces who hate the idea of firing on zombies who were once friends. We think Saren wants that army to help him find something called the conduit. We think the conduit has something to do with the reapers, an ancient, advanced technology that was responsible for wiping out the Protheans. The fear is that he aims to destroy all advanced civilisations with their help.” He coughed. “We have almost no intel as to where Saren is now, or where the conduit might be. We believe,” he looked to Liara with a gentle half-smile, “that it may be in one of the systems linked to the Mu relay.” 

He continued, more firmly. “Our secondary objective has been to discover what the link is between Saren and Cerberus, a human-survivalist paramilitary group. Our analysts believe that Saren and Cerberus are not allied, rather, that Cerberus is trying to gather as much intel as it can on the tech with the aim of studying it, and possibly controling it themselves.” This would be a lot of information to take in but for the fact that most people in the room had heard parts of it before. “Cerberus has commissioned ExoGeni, Binary Helix, and a number of other corporations to research the viability of weaponizing husks, rachni, geth, thorian creepers, and thresher maws.” Kaidan looked to Shepard, and she returned his look with blithe unconcern, only scratching her shoulder lightly. He continued. “There is some evidence to suggest that Cerberus planted dragon’s teeth near colonies, knowing that the tech would convert colonists into husks. We saw that on Chasca. Instances where we have encountered husks, thorian creepers, rachni and geth will have to be re-examined. The presence of thresher maws is less conclusive.” 

He paused, swiping across his datapad before continuing. “Some papers suggest that thresher spores can lie dormant for millennia, they survive deep space and atmospheric re-entry. If anyone would like the extra readings on that, I’ll be happy to send them through. The upshot is that thresher maw activity may be unrelated to Cerberus. Finally, we have had word from Rear Admiral Kahoku. He has been looking into Cerberus and, particularly, their research into thresher maws. His marines were lured into a trap and killed on Edolus. We picked up a transmitter there, that appeared to have been placed for the sole purpose of luring soldiers towards a thresher maw nest. He believes he has discovered proof that it was set up deliberately to study the thresher maws and attempt to control them in combat situations. He also believes he has evidence tying Cerberus to the Akuze incident of 2177. Cerberus made the link between a coming-of-age ceremony,” he looked to Wrex, and Ashley was very interested to see the krogan shake his head. Kaidan nodded and continued, “where the local people use vibrations to lure threshers to designated feeding grounds.” Ashley looked back at Wrex, but he was staring ahead, benignly. “It seems they were hoping to utilise that same technology to control threshers in combat. They repeated their experiment on Edolus, killing Kahoku’s marines.” 

“Why haven’t they been stopped before now?” Addison Chase interrupted; the frustration was clear in her high-pitched emphasis of the vowels. She immediately looked embarrassed, but many there nodded in sympathy. 

“The group claims any wrongdoing is due to rogue elements within the organisation. Individuals have been successfully brought to justice but there has never been enough evidence to put Cerberus as an entity on trial. We are about to change that.” Kaidan paused to look down at his notes. Ashley found herself leaning forward. “We will be working with Rear Admiral Kahoku. He has managed to identify two of Cerberus’ bases. This operation will be purely reconnaissance. He’s hoping to get enough evidence of what Cerberus are doing so that our various government agencies will be forced to move against them. His intel suggests that it won’t take much effort on our part, however, there is a concern that their military division will make pre-emptive moves to stop him, and us, from gathering the evidence to expose them. We will be preparing to face heavily armed, extremely well-resourced and organised human combatants.” 

Ashley let the rest of Kaidan’s words fade into the background, and instead leaned in and spoke softly to Garrus. “We take down Cerberus.” He nodded. When she held out her fist, he bumped it with hers. 

“We take down Cerberus,” he replied just as quietly.  

The mission had not gone well. Few things had, recently.  

The Normandy was docked at the Citadel and most of the crew was on shore leave while Shepard gave her report to the Alliance brass. Ashley was having a drink.  

Kaidan had left to find Marie Durand hours ago; Tali and Garrus had disappeared almost as soon as the Normandy had docked; Jamin Bakari and Addison Chase were getting cosy in one of the booths; and Liara had gone to meet up with some intellectual university types to discuss Prothean pyramidal architecture. Ashley had only been half listening. It sounded impossibly nerdy; all this to say Ashley was alone at the bar keeping an eye on her marines. For a lot of them, it was their first-time seeing action like that, the first time they’d killed someone.  

It had been just as difficult as Kaidan had warned them it would be. The Alliance had lost all contact with Kahoku almost as soon as he had sent his coordinates through to the Normandy, so they were flying blind and when their relatively large squad hit the first base, they arrived just in time to take down what appeared to be a military grade clean-up crew. Shepard had chosen a large team, but it wasn’t big enough to take the hostiles out cleanly. The all too familiar orange and brown underground prefabs had been overly crowded and everything had felt more chaotic. Private Gladstone had managed to shoot one of the troopers in the neck, when they’d popped out of cover to take a shot at Shepard. Private Rahman had patiently and methodically shot at the same person with her sniper rifle until their shielding had finally failed, but the Cerberus fighters were obviously under orders not to be captured alive, because while most were killed during the fire fight, two of their people took L-pills rather than be taken prisoner. That had been hard on some of their marines. It’s not something anyone can really prepare you for. That wasn’t the worst of it, of course. There were rachni soldiers in a large mass effect field holding cell in the centre of the complex. Kaidan and Liara hustled the young marines out of danger, Shepard and Tali made quick work of the fields, which left the experienced soldiers (Wrex, Garrus, and Ashley) to take down the juvenile bugs. 

The marines were on to tequila shots. It was probably too late to have the talk with them. Probably better to let them get mindlessly drunk and then wait for the remorse, anger, and guilt to kick in and try to work on it then.  

“Whoo!” Harvey Gladstone was on his third. He was a huge guy. His tattooed sleeve almost disappeared into the deep brown of his skin. They worked out together sometimes. She figured he’d be able to handle the quantity he was throwing back. Hector Emmerson, the ginger haired, light framed engineer beside him pursed his lips and hissed as he followed up his shot by biting into a lemon slice.  

He shook his head as if to clear it. “That was some fight, huh Chief? Not sure my mumma would’a let me sign up if she knew rachni’d be bought back from the dead’n my watch.” He smiled at her. The hazy smile of the drunk and shell shocked. Ashley thought back to the first time she’d killed. A batarian raider. It was easier then; she hadn’t seen batarians as people, and she’d still spent the following day spewing her guts out.  

“Yeah, you guys did great,” she smiled over at him, unsure if he could hear her over the pulse of the song that was playing.  

They had sped to the second base as quickly as possible and caught Cerberus workers there as well. The battle began in the same way, but this time Tali was hit with a biotic throw and slammed into a tower of crates. Ashley and Wrex were left to defend a corridor and provide covering fire while Garrus and Shepard extracted their quarian squad mate. Even though she didn’t look injured, Garrus and Shepard spent a long time talking to her. Long enough for Ashley to take down a sniper and for Wrex to take down two research technicians who apparently doubled as biotic fighters.  

“New plan,” Shepard said. “Ash, I want you to head in and set yourself up behind that storage unit. I want you providing covering fire across that quadrant. Wrex, I want you over there.” She pointed to the opposite side of the room. “You are to make sure no one gets past that point. Garrus and Tali, you’ll be at the console. Tali will be on the controls, but you’re to keep that shotgun handy. Garrus, switch. I want you with your assault rifle in case something goes wrong.” 

“Commander?” Kaidan asked.  

“Tali wants to sick that rachni on them.” 

Liara looked vaguely sick, but any protest she had been going to make was drowned out by Wrex’s booming laugh. A sniper came too close, and it was time to move. The plan played out perfectly. While their squad moved back into cover down the corridor the loose rachni made short work of the enemy fighters. Once the muffled cries and thuds stilled into silence, Shepard signalled for her heavy hitters to finish off the rachni. Wrex lifted it off the ground with his biotics and while it spun slowly in the air looking confused, Garrus drilled it between the eyes. Ash hadn’t even needed to lift her rifle. 

“Chief?” Gladstone looked at her, his eyes were not focusing and already looked bloodshot.  

“I’mma get us another round.” Emmerson interrupted before sliding unsteadily of his stool. He slapped Gladstone on the shoulder before using the same act to steady himself, then walking with the too-careful gait of someone trying hard not to appear drunk. Her eyes wandered across to the dance floor, where the rest of the night’s crew were exuberantly swaying, leaves in a storm. 

“Chief.” Gladstone addressed her again, steeling himself. He was drawing pictures on the cheap tabletop using his finger and a ring of slopped beverage. It looked like a cartoon dog, or perhaps a flower. “I killed someone.” 

The bar was too loud. Too crowded. The lights were too dim for this kind of conversation. She needed to take her guys somewhere quiet, a park maybe, and let them feel the hurt.  

“Yeah.” She moved closer to him, looked him in the eyes and waited. 

“Does it get easier?” His finger was still drawing, the yellowy tabletop gleamed wetly. His drawing glowed blood red as it picked up the neon lighting from above the bar. It was a dog. 

“It can,” she nodded. “You’ve got to know why you did it. Why you had to do it. You have to check there was no better way, and if there was, you have to learn from it.” She tapped his wrist to make sure he was listening. “Harvey, there was no better way this time.” 

“What if,” he frowned down at the empty glasses and mess of lemon slices, saltshakers and snack bowls. He looked down at his drawing and wiped his hand on his jeans. “But what if one of those people was going to figure out the cure for cancer, or something.” 

“And what if they were going to go on a killing spree and murder a bunch of colonists? Those questions aren’t helpful. Based on our intel, those guys needed to be brought in for questioning, eventual trial. They had no interest in dealing with us peacefully, they refused to negotiate, they refused to surrender. If we had sat back peacefully they would have killed all of us, they certainly tried to. I have looked at the angles. We did not have a choice. More lives would have been lost if we’d waited. It’s Garrus’ calculus of war. Those guys weren’t civilians waving kitchen knives, they were military, ready to die and ready to kill.” She took a swig of beer. “Life is always precious. These questions you have are really important.” 

She paused not sure where to go with her argument, she looked again at the ridges and valleys of glasses and was momentarily tempted to quote Tennyson: theirs not to reason why; theirs but to do and die , but she dismissed it as childish sentimentalism. Harvey did not need her to reference a doomed, historic military action that had a forty percent casualty rate, even if it was a neat reminder that a soldier’s job is to shut up and do what they’re told. Instead she asked, “Why did you join the Alliance?” 

“To help people,” he replied. His answer quick and rehearsed.  

“All people?” she probed, and it felt like pushing down on a bruise. Together they looked down at his now deformed dog puddle. “Or some people?” 

“Never thought about it.”  

“It’s important. You can’t help everyone; you can only try. And when there’s a conflict between two sides that you’d ordinarily defend—” 

Handles of beer arrived and sloshed heavily on to the table with clinks and bangs, and finally obliterating the dog. 

“’S important you aren’t on th’ side of the space Nazis!” Emmerson crowed triumphantly. Ashley was left to wonder how much he’d heard. Didn’t matter. His sentiments were on point, and she returned the wet high-five he offered her. 

“Come on,” she said, officiously. “I’ll cover my round next time. Pack your things. It’s time to get you home. I’m taking you running in the morning, and if we start walking now, we’ll be in bed by three.” 

The two men looked at her dumb struck.  

“Back in a mo’.” She left them, still looking slack jawed down at their beer glasses as if they would act as a lifeline. She was practicing her commanding voice, wanted to see if it would fool these grown men into following her away from all but inevitable hangovers and towards sobriety and healing sleep. It appeared to be working. She said her farewells to the others, before weaving her way slowly back through the dark and crowded space, squeezing between sweaty bodies and flailing limbs to collect her two charges. They had emptied their glasses (and hers, in what she could only assume was an act of petty rebellion), but she was pleased to find that they still followed her, meekly as lambs. 

If only everything was that easy.  

Rear Admiral Kahoku was dead. 

When they arrived at the third base, they'd been attacked by more Cerberus agents, and then were forced to free three thorian creepers from their cell in order to put them down. That's when they'd found the body. It had been poorly staged to look like Kahoku had been at the wrong place, at the wrong time; the victim of an unfortunate accident, a nosy investigator who had stumbled into the wild animal cage. Kaidan ruled it murder with a cursory wave of his omni-tool. 

Ashley remembered the way Shepard had hugged this man at the Presidium, the way they had smiled and shared breath. She had shooed everyone out to give Shepard time to grieve. It was probably Kaidan's job, but he had never seen the two of them together and besides, he was debriefing the debutantes. She had stood in the doorway, leaning against the wall, holding a silent vigil. 

Shepard sat beside the body. She'd turned off her mic so Ash could not tell if she was talking or crying or sitting in cold silence. All three of them were bathed in shadow. Stray rounds had taken out a surprising number of the lights. Finally, Shepard stood and made the necessary calls to arrange for the investigation team. When she finished with the clinical administration tasks that inevitably came with a murder scene, she bowed her head and moved towards the doorway. And towards Ashley. She was hurting. It was clear in the way she held her shoulders, the way she refused eye contact while still standing close. And Ashley brave soldier that she was, clenched her jaw, and moved into parade rest. Ashley the stoic protector, battle hardened warrior, felt ridiculous. Ashley was too afraid to stretch out an arm and console a friend. But she'd seen them share breath and now Shepard needed her. Her body relaxed and reached out before she had even finished her thought. She suffered through a minute jolt of panic, but Shepard had already curled in towards her. Their suits mashed together with plastic sounding clacks and scrapes, and the sides of their helmets collided with an audible  thunk.  They did not smile, there was no humour in a moment where people's breath was locked behind a mask; separated by military grade Perspex and a poisonous atmosphere of carbon dioxide, sulphur dioxide, and chlorine. Someone had destroyed the environmental controls. Tali and Garrus were working on it, Ashley knew. All the pair of them could do was hold each other through layers and layers of armour. Ashley's HUD flickered as her baseline stats crept up into the next colour scale, not the sort of thing you'd notice in the heat of battle, but definitely something she'd noticed in the still and quiet. Shepard's icon had changed too. Elevated heart rate, elevated blood pressure, elevated breathing. The commander must have noticed at the same time. She released Ashley gently and took a measured step away. Ashley was beginning to feel heartily sick of allowing Shepard to take 'measured steps' away. 

"Thanks for the hug, and..." her CO frowned. "Jordan Riordan said you asked him to design a comm package." Ashley must have looked betrayed, so Shepard rushed to reassure her. "He took the sign-off to Pressly. I probably wouldn't have been able to figure out who was behind it if the XO hadn't brought it to my attention. He was impressed. A lot of people will be impressed." Shepard's brown eyes were shining even through the visor and in the gloom. "Kahoku called me by my name and I was able to hear it." 

"Riordan said it was easy." Ashley's arms hung awkwardly at her sides, and she tried desperately not to fidget. "No big deal." 

"Simplified ideas are almost always the best." The gleam in her eye, was still visible now, despite the distance and layers of perspex. Shepard normally waved her arms when she talked, but they barely moved and her voice through the coms sounded flat. "The trick is noticing a problem and finding people who are good at simplifying their solutions. You saw a problem and spotted the talent." Shepard smiled, "It's not nothing." Ashley felt the blood rush to her face, and she eyed her HUD nervously. 

"You could have built that program. Why didn't you?" 

"Didn't occur to me." Shepard shrugged easily. "Leadership isn't finding every single problem and fixing it. It's getting good people around you, spotting the talent and making sure they have the confidence and the freedom to solve the problems themselves." Shepard snorted lightly, choosing to hide her grief and move into brevity. "Riordan's work was also  really  clever." 

Artificial night blanketed the Citadel by the time the trio trudged up the docking bay ramp and into the warm safety of the SSV Normandy. 

“You know Joker stole the ship?” At Ashley’s incredulous look, Shepard nodded and continued. “He knew he was the best pilot on paper. The brass turned him down for the job, probably due his brittle bones thing. He snuck aboard, locked up the guy they hired, evaded fire, and ran her through the test course. They didn’t know whether to court martial him or hire him. I guess they made their decision.” Shepard looked at her with an inscrutable expression. Perhaps tired and sad. “I mean, maybe leadership is trusting your instincts and doing things other people might hold back from doing.” 

Ashley climbed into her bed and smiled up at the bunk above hers. 

“Skipper?” she’d asked that sad, lonely woman in front of her. “Mind if I take you to lunch sometime?” 

Chapter Text

The footpaths shone, white and gleaming, far from the bustling crowds of the Presidium Commons. Hector had told her about this district on their long, walk back to the Normandy two nights prior. The architecture was the same as on the rest of the colossal deep-space station, but here the people gave it a richer flavour entirely. Café tables spilled out on to the streets, clothing, gaming, and honest-to-god bookstores vied for attention. Art galleries displayed their wares next to sports bars, tech shops, and a pet supply store. Around the next bend was a street market selling exotic foods underneath the branches of old trees with purple leaves. 

Ashley looked shyly back towards Shepard who was eyeing everything with interest. The people were different here too. It was more multiracial than the districts close to the Presidium tended to be. Drell, salarians, batarians, asari, krogans, humans and quarians all brought their culture, their music, their stylistic choices here, to create a colourful hodgepodge of intertwining expressions of identity. She looked down at her map. They were close. Shepard peered down at the display. 

"You never did say where we were going." 

"And you very obligingly came along anyway," Ashley smiled. "It's not far." 

Shepard briefly looked as though she might be about to grumble under her breath but was stopped by what she saw when they turned the final corner. A green carpet of grasses swept up the long curve of the citadel's fourth arm. It was dotted with trees, rock formations, and artfully designed water features. Children played, screeching and squealing, adults lay on their backs gazing up at omnitool projections, couples walked hand in hand under fiery red and purple leaves. Ashley made herself a solemn promise to name her first born child after Hector, before instantly reneging and deciding that an extra beer next time they were at the pub would probably suffice. It was beautiful. 

She turned towards a nearby café that overlooked the vista. The name translated to: Stellar Hampers, which was probably an exceedingly clever play on words in its original language. This was where Harvey had told her to go. She shut down her map and strode confidently past diners and busy waitstaff to the counter at the side. Here the décor looked like a well-appointed agri-colony barn house: lots of brick, wood, and pottery. Shepard smiled at her with such guileless warmth that Ashley couldn't help but feel her spirit buoyed to the point of stupidity.  

She put on her very best agri-colony accent, "Oh my, doesn't this place just remind you of the farm back home?" For her part Shepard just blinked at her mutely. Unphased, and keeping up the ridiculous accent, Ashley turned back to the man standing behind the counter, "We'll take the number three, please." 

"Certainly, ma'am," his four eyes crinkled as he bowed politely. "We won't be long." 

Moments later, he returned carrying a picnic basket and a rug. Ashley paid with a wave of her omnitool, and bustled Shepard out the door. 

"You are a dick," Shepard said smiling, before taking the picnic rug. "Everyone in that place knows you didn't grow up on a farm, that's the worst accent I've ever heard," she continued with genuine mirth. 

Ashley chuckled and shrugged, unconcerned. 

They found a sheltered spot. Shepard laid out the rug and Ashley began to unpack the lunch. There was wine and cheeses, different fruit, thinly sliced meats, a kind of nutty bread, and a small assortment of spreads. For a time, that's all they talked about: the beauty of the location, the ingeniousness of the café, the quality of the wine (which was good), the taste of the cheese (mediocre), the warm softness of the bread (excellent); they speculated on the origin of the fruits and meats (impossible to say with any sense of accuracy) and compared notes on the flavours (varied). 

Slowly, Ashley found herself able to turn the conversation to more serious things. She wanted, no, needed Shepard to trust her to handle the deep, dark conversations, and whatever Shepard's burdens, they could handle them better together. If Shepard wasn't going to treat Ash as an equal, any relationship they may or may not be about to begin was doomed from the outset. Maybe Shepard sensed this. 

"Ka heke te roimata me te hūpē, ka ea te mate," Shepard said in response to Ash's careful questions.  When tears and mucus fall death is avenged. She chuckled ruefully. " When I last visited my Nan, she gave me a book of these little wisdoms, that have been passed down through the generations. She taught me how to cry properly. They sort of train it out of you in the academy. They tell you that you have to be tough, never show weakness. But where I come from crying is really important. It keeps you healthy and strong. Nan taught me how to read these words and how to say them. She taught me what they mean, but I didn't have enough time to learn everything I really needed to. They are a guide for navigating life, a reminder of how to behave, and how to recover when things go wrong. They are helpful so I practise them whenever I get a moment, but sometimes it's still like a big chunk of who I am is missing. I didn't fit in when I was down there. The Trans-Tasman Territories are different to other parts of Earth. More isolated, maybe. I didn't understand the language. Didn't understand the culture or the protocols. But sometimes, I don't fit in up here either. That coin I gave you?" Ashley nodded. "Nan gave that to me too. It was passed down from one of her ancestors who fought in the second world war. It's a long story, but she gave it to me to help me remember that there are two parts to who I am, and they will always be at war if I can't learn to reconcile them." 

"Kahoku got it," she continued. "When I met him, it was like looking in a mirror. He understood that when you are in space you are human, and that is your culture. It is difficult to be indigenous in the hegemony of space humans. But our cultural backgrounds form our identities, and we have to hold on to them and nurture them. He understood that battle. I only knew him for maybe an hour, but he was important. And then Cerberus killed him and his men, in exactly the way they tried to kill me and my men. And for what? So that humanity can be even better colonisers?" 

Ashley sat quietly, her mind scrambling over ideas she'd never considered. Slowly understanding dawned and she began with a series of quick-fire questions uttered too quickly to be anything other than rhetorical. "OK. Check my reasoning. It's like, what direction should a Muslim point their prayer rug in space? How do you hold on to your language if everyone uses translators? Are translators a good thing for maintaining languages or worse? What happens to religion when there is only one generic prayer space on a colony? What happens to musicians when luggage is limited to a single carry bag?" Shepard looked tempted to interrupt but Ashley forged on ahead. "You can have all these things, manage all these things, if you have money and power. So, the dominant culture is the one that controls the money and power. In humanity's case that's the Systems Alliance. Most of the people in positions of authority hail from the United North American States, and so while the Systems Alliance is accidently and institutionally spreading North American culture throughout space while calling it human, Cerberus is doing it in the full knowledge that they want to be, not only the only dominant human culture, but  the  dominant culture in all of space." 

"I mean, yeah," Shepard replied. "You hijacked my whole point there, but that's essentially where I was going with it." 

"I wonder how all the other peoples deal with this stuff?" 

"Mmmm," Shepard replied, noncommittally. 

She scooped up the basket and lifted it over to her side so that it was no longer between them, and then flopped back on the rug, one hand behind her head, the other on her stomach. "Ash, that was an amazing picnic." 

Ash saw the invitation in the action and lay down herself. 

"We leave tomorrow. Virmire. An STG team was investigating Saren. They sent a high priority message to the council that wasn't much more than static. It could be something, or it could be nothing." 

"No more picnics?" Ashley asked, trying to inject some levity into the conversation despite the sudden despairing tightness in her chest. 

"We should talk about that." Ashley's throat suddenly felt strangled, though it was somehow easier to listen while side by side like this. She carefully avoided turning her head to look at Shepard. "Because if you like me as much as I like you, we should do something about it, and if I have read this all wrong I need to know now. Whatever your answer, we'll work it out." 

Fuck.  

Ashley sat up and looked down at Shepard, whose long eyelashed eyes were wide and fearful. Ashley looked at that beautiful, terrified looking face, before settling her gaze on those biteable lips, and slowly bent forward to do what she'd imagined doing so many times since that night in the med-bay. She leant down and kissed them. Gently at first, but then more insistently. Shepard groaned, deep in her throat and it was like music. She tasted of fruit and summer picnics and promises. Shepard's body had not moved from its original position, so Ashley lifted her own higher to get a better purchase. The kiss deepened further, and Shepard let loose a high-pitched moan as Ashley positioned a thigh firmly between the other woman's legs. She readjusted slightly to free a hand to reach under Shepard's t-shirt, allowing her thumb to knead her hip bone. 

"Is this ok?" Ashley asked breath heaving into Shepard's jaw and was startled when Shepard shook her head. 

Fuck.  

"No." Shepard huffed, through reddened lips. 

Ash climbed off her quickly. And looked down confused, waiting. 

"Ash," Shepard breathed quietly. "Can I touch you, now?" Her eyes were dancing with need and desire. There was joy there, too. 

What?  

"You said I wasn't allowed to touch you. I've been careful, up until today," she added, grinning wildly. "Now I  really  need to touch you." 

Ash, leant back down and breathed into Shepard's neck, nipping her gently just below the ear. The words she said were for Shepard alone. 

The walk back, to return the picnic basket and rug and then through the Citadel, took much longer than it could have. The couple were unwilling to let the other go any great distance, and they both kept finding excuses to touch and to hold. 

They also talked. 

"Regulations aren't there to punish, they are there to protect. The process is really simple, because these things happen all the time. We notify XO Pressly, who becomes the impartial judge on all things. He has oversight of day-to-day decisions. I can't recommend you for medals or promotions, I can't make changes to your roster or your duties, that's all on Pressly and Kaidan." 

As Shepard worked through the minutia with her, Ashley found herself growing calmer. 

"What about the crew? Do we try to keep this a secret?" 

"From our crew?" Shepard responded with mock dismay. "No point. Liara will know the minute she sees one of us. Joker's not lacking in insight. I propose we announce it calmly to all key staff, in a few days' time and task them with controlling the scuttlebutt." 

"Is this... Are we wrong to do this?" 

"You are looking at a young, charismatic, extremely attractive commander of the most technologically advanced frigate in council space, who, I might add, has also recently been granted the title of Spectre." Shepard stretched her arms out wide, almost dancing as she walked backwards in front Ashley. "Ash, there are worse risks for you to take!" She laughed, until Ash punched her in the shoulder, which only made the laugh turn into a pained chuckle as she rubbed her arm. 

They separated slightly as they made their way into the C-Sec building, shyly attentive to each other's conversational small talk. 

Eventually, they reached the boarding ramp where a few marines were helping to load supply crates. 

Hector was among them and he waved enthusiastically, "Hey Chief, how was the picnic? Did your man-friend like it?" 

Addison who was standing nearby checking things off on her datapad, cleared her throat and shook her head minutely. Hector looked momentarily confused before his expression cleared. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did your lady-friend like it?" 

Addison smirked as she watched Ashley's blush deepen. Shepard also looked towards Ashley and said, "You never said you went on a picnic." The acting was pretty good, not at all overblown. 

While she stood there, in the middle of the loading bay trying to work out the best response, Shepard continued, "Alright, I should go. Need to talk to Pressly." With that, she just left. Despite feeling like she was losing an arm; Ashley made the careful point of not watching her walk away. 

"Well?" Hector asked. 

"Private, I owe you a beer," she chuckled. 

Chapter Text

Deep in the bowls of the Normandy, Ashley was sifting through some old inventory, when footsteps clattered down the stairs in heavy marine boots. Shepard’s lean frame came into view and when she saw Ashley watching her, she stopped three stairs from the bottom, leant her arms down on the stair rail and smiled across at her.  

“Thought I’d come and give you a hand.”   

With cat-like grace that was pure affectation, she swung slowly round toward Ashley, grinning. Their bodies moved together as if planned. Her hands found their way to Shepard’s hips, Shepard’s were cupping her jaw, then her neck. When Ashley bit her lip gently, Shepard let out a moan that was all animal. Ashley found her breath was coming out in short bursts. When she finally pulled out of the kiss, Shepard’s pupils were dark orbs in the gloomy light. She caught the tip of Shepard’s thumb between her lips and sucked hard. The resulting gasp sent a jolt of electricity through Ashley’s body.  Ashley’s hands were moving freely now: over the smooth skin of hip bones and over the soft muscle of Shepard’s stomach, which rippled as Ashley’s fingers caught sentive ticklish spots. She moved one arm around so that her hand was hard on the base of Shepard’s spine, forcing them in close, unwilling to let too much space grow between them. She needn’t have worried. Shepard was gasping as though drowning, her breath loud in Ashley’s ear. High inside the other woman’s shirt she found a nipple and dusted it lightly, listening closely for a reaction, and at Shepard’s intake of breath she squeezed, rolling it gently until it stiffened into a hard ball.  

“Fuck,” Shepard hissed.   

Ashley laughed low in her throat until Shepard breathed softly across her ear then sucked her neck lightly. At that point the noise became a high-pitched yelp of need.   

Shepard’s hands were firm on her now; her knee gently pushing her legs apart so that her thigh muscles could move in and do the work of taking their chaotic, frantic graspings and give them a rhythm. Heat rushed down below her belly and she found herself gasping as the electricity sparked and settled between her legs where Shepard had begun to grind.   

Shepard’s eyes met her own and another jolt of electricity burned its way through her. Her gasp embarrassed her but she saw only longing in the other woman’s eyes.   

Ashley allowed herself one last flick of Shepard’s nipple before sliding her hand down Shepard’s front desperate to find her own purchase, but she was finding it harder and harder to focus. Finally, her hand slipped inside the waist band of Shepard’s trousers, where her fingers met with a wall of heat and soft curls. She felt Shepard buck beneath her, just as her fingertips found what she’d been looking for.  

“You are so wet,” she whispered into Shepard’s ear and felt the other woman shudder.   

Shepard grasped that wrist, pulling it up over Ashley’s head and holding it against one of the huge storage container walls like a cuff. She kept up her rhythm with Ashley pinned between her and the wall, then slid her own hand deep between Ashley’s legs. She couldn’t help it. As Shepard’s fingers brushed against those most sensitive of nerve endings, she sucked down a gulpful of air and heaved as if consumed by fire. As she convulsed, her pinned arm tried to fight free but Shepard had known what was coming and held her fast. Shepard removed her hand, grinning a little at the piteous noise that Ashley only belatedly realised she had made, and watched wide eyed as Shepard raised her fingers to her mouth and sucked them. Ashley’s heart kicked wildly, slamming against her ribs like a trapped animal.  

“So are you,” Shepard eventually replied.  

The thigh between her legs shifted away, and her arm was lowered gently. She came back to herself in increments, more than a little disappointed by the shift in tempo. Shepard kissed her, hungrily and deeply and then stepped back, shrugging lightly.   

“Break time’s over.” Judging by her expression, she was more than a little pleased with herself. She smiled wider. “Meet in my cabin after our shift?”  

She waited for Ashley to nod, gormlessly, before swinging away with a wolfish grin, and pounding back up the stairs.   

Ashley turned to her crates, and restarted her omni-tool, frowning. Bitch , she thought, without any real venom. Two hours still to go.  

Chapter Text

Ashley had replayed it over and over. She had read the reports, searching frantically for a way that Shepard could have saved them both. She swiped the heel of her palm across her eyes and looked around at the broken people gathered in the meeting room. Part of her knew that there was nothing Shepard could have done that would have led to both Kaidan and Ashley surviving. Once their team had been separated, their fate was decided. Leadership is sometimes about making a choice between two bad decisions. Part of her knew that. It was a very small part.  

“I can’t believe Kaidan didn’t make it. How could we just leave him down there?”   

It was a stupid question and her voice sounded hard and gravelly as she said it. It had been a long day of grieving, of wandering through the Normandy and looking into the dead eyes of her crewmates as they found their own ways to unravel; of giving and receiving meaningless platitudes and reassuring shoulder pats. Ashley couldn’t take back the words. Her anger and regret bubbled up and out of her, as sulphurous and spitting as a volcano, just as uncontrollable. Unsurvivable.  

“Kaidan knew the risks going in. He gave his life to save the rest of us.” Shepard’s words were meant to be a balm, to cool the fire and pain.   

The official Virmire debrief was over, and they had moved into something more sombre. The key military personnel were present; they would join the rest of the crew for a wake later, but for now, Ashley was safe to vent her frustrations. It was unprofessional, rude, callous, but safe.  

“Why me? Why not him?” Ashley hated that she already knew the answer, needing to voice the question anyway.   

“It wasn’t your call, Williams. I had to choose. I chose you.”  

If we hadn’t been lovers, you would have picked him , her thoughts screamed. The primary mission was to ensure the bomb went off, so you should have protected Kaidan.   

“It wasn’t your fault.” Shepard continued, placatingly. “It wasn’t my fault. The only one to blame here is Saren.”   

“Yes, ma’am. I…”  

Ashley allowed herself to return to the memory of Virmire. 

Virmire was beautiful, the most idyllic planet she could remember, and Shepard had been smiling and euphoric inside the Mako. Ashley’s memory had painted the weather as thunderous, full of portentous winds and storm clouds. When she reviewed the footage, though, the skies had been summery, full of gulls performing carefree acrobatics; big crab like creatures had been feeding in the shallows; small, harmless waves had lapped gently across crystal sands; trees had been rippling lightly in an unforeboding breeze.   

Then their scanners were jammed.  

They had fought their way through the geth defences. The Mako had made short work of the scattered enemy forces and there had never been the need to disembark or make a stand of any kind. Shepard’s eyes had crinkled as she smiled over at Ashley more than once. Ashley remembered the joy of those moments, the sense of getting closer to the end, knowing that they would soon find the conduit and Saren, and bring an end to the reaper threat.  

They took down the AA towers without injury or incident. The first gatehouse had been sparsely protected by geth troops. Given their artificial intelligence, Ashley found their battle formations decidedly lacking. The geth were waging a small arms guerrilla war against a well-armed and armoured IFV. All the marines had to do was wait for the rocket troopers to reveal themselves, roll the Mako out of the way of the oncoming and clearly visible fire, and then return a volley that packed a far greater punch than the little bipedal robots could launch. There was no real rush. The Normandy was in matching orbit, well out of range of the planetary defences, and the salarians could probably afford to wait a bit longer.  

At the next towers, the geth had figured out the Mako’s strategies and were pulling together to combat them. The geth were moving quickly, firing from behind cover, and with the scanners jammed up it was difficult to pick them off. At one point, Shepard managed to creep the Mako behind cover, just poking the M35’s rear tires out far enough to hit their mapped targets. It was there they left the vehicle and continued into the tower on foot. Ashley took point and Shepard and Garrus fell in behind. It was a horrible location, designed to be difficult for invading forces to take. The surrounding area was pock marked with potential sniper nests, the rocks below perfect for setting booby traps. The stairs offered very little protection for those at the bottom, while those at the top had line of sight and cover, as well the normal advantages of high ground. The geth were relentless but outclassed. During the walk back from the final gatehouse, Shepard casually slipped in beside Ash and let her gauntleted hands clack against Ashley’s. If Garrus noticed these little contacts, their exuberant smiles, and the way they leaned their heads toward each other when they thought no one was looking, he hadn’t mentioned it.  

In hindsight, the turning point had come at the salarian encampment. Captain Kirrahe briefed them about what Saren had been doing. He had discovered a cure for the genophage and was using it to create an army of krogan. It was immediately obvious to Ashley that these would not be ‘real’ krogan, in the same way that husks weren’t ‘real’ humans. Wrex did not see it that way. Maybe it never even occurred to him. All he seemed to hear was that these krogan would be destroyed along with the cure for the genophage. Ashley had been working with him long enough to recognise the pain in his eyes as he turned away from the commander. His fury was obvious to those who didn’t know him, but she recognised the other emotions, the powerlessness, and the sense of betrayal. It was a bad combination in him. Dangerous. He was firing his shotgun into the water, presumably aiming at fish or crabs, when Shepard decided to talk to him. Ashley’s fingers moved to her pistol as her body stepped sideways into Wrex’s blind spot.   

“This has to be done. Saren’s the enemy, not me.” Shepard was wary. Walking towards Wrex, she looked tiny.  

He turned away from the water to look at Shepard, and Ashley took another step sideways, readying her stance. “Really? Saren created a cure for my people. You want to destroy it.” The pair of them were standing very close now, and Wrex was waving an arm violently. “Help me out here, Shepard,” he rumbled at the very bottom of his deep vocal range, “The lines between friend and foe are getting a little blurry from where I stand.”  

The wind caught Shepard’s voice and hurled her words into the ocean, but Wrex’s reply came loud and clear: “Don’t push me, Shepard. I followed you because I wanted to fight for something more than credits. If you can’t give me a better reason than this to destroy the hopes of my people, then I’m done with you.” Ashley’s pistol was up and the safety off before Wrex freed his shotgun. His claw was on the forend, but he hadn’t moved to pump it.  

Shepard had automatically raised her own weapon, then looked embarrassed at what she obviously felt was an overreaction. She lowered it, gesturing with it loosely. “These krogan are slaves of Saren. Puppets. Tools to be used and discarded. Is that what you want for your people?” There was kindness in her voice, but firmness too. Her voice had lowered, and Ashley struggled to make out all the words.  

Wrex held his position for a long time. Ashley moved her finger onto the trigger, and unblinkingly watched his hands. Finally, he spoke. “No. We were tools for the Council once. To thank us for wiping out the rachni, they neutered us all. I doubt Saren will be as generous.” He stared at Shepard long and hard through alien red eyes. “All right, Shepard.” Finally, he lowered his gun, and Ashley could breathe again. “You’ve made your point. I don’t like this, but I trust you enough to follow your lead.” Confident the worst was over, Ashley turned away, holstering her gun. She aimed for the STG supply officer, wanting to look innocuous on the off-chance Wrex turned her way. She felt tired and shaky as she tried to make small talk with Commander Rentola. His heart clearly wasn’t in it either. Eyes wide with bemusement, he kept peering over her shoulder at Shepard and Wrex.  

Eventually, she wandered off to find some shelter in the shade. She wondered if Shepard would come and find her for some downtime, but the commander was restlessly moving from person to person, checking in and issuing commands. Eventually she summoned Ashley and Kaidan to Captain Kirrahe’s tent to go over the mission plan. It would be incredibly dangerous. The STG force had constructed a nuclear bomb, something that these fortifications were built to withstand. The bomb would need to be placed carefully and armed inside the complex. The Normandy crew could do that once the AA guns were taken down, but for that to happen the STG force would draw most of the enemy to the front of the building, allowing a small group of marines to sneak into the complex to take down the defences. That’s when Kirrahe made his devastating demand: one of their people needed to join his squad to coordinate communication between the two groups. It was suicide. The calculus of war kicked in: Kaidan had the tech skills to complete the priority mission; he would arm and protect the bomb. Ashley had the heavy armour; she was the soldier, the grunt. She would aid the STG ground forces. Shepard and her team would raid the base.  

Their last words together were stilted, forced. “No heroics. Understood?” Shepard had said. The fear in her eyes was plain for all to see. Ashley’s words to Kaidan had been just as banal. She couldn’t remember what she’d said. She wished she’d said more. Said thank you. Thank you for the advice, the banter, the friendship, the encouragement. What if he died never knowing how much he had mattered? She thought back on all those times that he had helped her out. Had she ever thanked him? Had she ever acknowledged that she appreciated what he’d been doing? Or had she always been too self-absorbed, too caught up in her own problems. Filled with recrimination, she imagined him working at the console next to Shepard’s office; working on logistics and training schedules for the crew. His hair and skin took on a golden sheen in her memory. Hands loosely holding a data pad and stylus, she imagined him moving them down to his side and giving her his full attention, looking at her with brown eyes and confident smile. I’m sorry , she imagined saying. It should have been me .   

Smoothly professional, the STG operatives were paranoid about their communications tech. They had Ashley linked up via shortwave on a separate system to the rest of their team, so instead of getting information in real time, she had to wait for it to be relayed to her in bite sized chunks, then she could in turn pass that on to the Normandy’s “Shadow” team. Working like that was frustrating, like a bad game of Operator, and made her miss her team more than she might have.   

Team Mannovai came under heavy fire and looked to be badly pinned. If it wasn’t for Shadow Team bringing down a comms tower and disrupting the geth network, Ashley would have almost certainly watched them fall to geth forces. Assistance was regularly provided by Shadow, who were able to shoot out a satellite uplink from their side of the facility, and to bring down a geth flyer depot and fuelling station. From there it was easy. Right up until the moment it wasn’t.  

Bird like, the Normandy glided into the middle of the complex; watching it soar overhead was a moment of sweet relief because it meant both sets of AA guns were down and the area clear for Kaidan and the nuke. At first nothing changed and then geth and krogan swarmed towards them like bees out of a kicked hive. The three STG squads did their best with the flyers, but the geth primes and juggernauts were formidable. The sheer number of enemies surrounding them meant that slowly their escape routes were cut off and they were pinned down. The STG were very well drilled. Cool under fire, they steadily picked away at one target after another, taking pot shots, before returning to cover while their shields recharged.  

Her helmet chirruped and Shepard’s voice sounded reassuringly close. “The nuke is almost ready, Chief. Get to the rendezvous point.”  

“Negative, Commander.” Ashley replied, before pausing to add her shots to the geth rocket trooper that was the team’s current target. A massive krogan roared somewhere to her left, followed by screams that were quickly silenced. “The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower.” She changed guns and took out a sniper on the roof. “We’ve taken heavy casualties.” There seemed to be fewer sounds from the salarian guns now, and the geth were starting to crowd them. “We’ll never make the rendezvous point in time.” The salarian who had been fighting beside her took a hit to his arm and she stopped talking to pull him deeper into cover. Out of nowhere, Ashley thought of General Williams and felt absurdly at peace. She would die here, Shepard would be safe, Saren stopped, the universe saved, and the Williams’ family honour restored.   

“Hold tight. We’re coming to get you.”  

“Negative.” Don’t be dumb. “Just make sure that nuke is set. We’ll hold them as long as we can.” Her helmet took a glancing round, and she was momentarily stunned by the noise and jolt of the impact. The diagnostic and repair tool reset her comms. She would be offline for a bit. Headshots took out another two snipers, and she returned to the defensive action.   

High pitched whirring overhead alerted Ash to a geth dropship. Her salarian squad mates couldn’t take much more. Her relief as it continued to the other side of the facility was short lived. It was heading to the breeding facility and the nuke. Kaidan was in trouble.   

“Lieutenant, we just spotted a troop ship inbound to your location.”  

“It’s already here and it’s bleeding geth all over the bomb site.”    

“Can you hold them off?” That was Shepard. Impossibly, furiously calm.  

“There’s too many. I don’t think we can hold them.” And then in a voice that could have been describing what he’d for breakfast that day: “I’m activating the nuke.”  

“What the hell are you doing, Alenko?”  

“Making sure the bomb goes off. No matter what.”  

Kaidan’s voice sounded calm. He always managed to sound so calm in moments like these. “It’s done Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here.”  

Fuck that. “Belay that. We can handle ourselves.” Ashley blasted a shock trooper to prove her point. “Go back and get the Lieutenant.” It was the calculus of war. As it always was. Protect the bomb, destroy a krogan, destroy a geth army, kill Saren. Save countless lives. Sacrifice a small team of salarians. And her.   

Shepard was quiet for a long time. Long enough that Ashley wondered if her helmet repairs had been sticky.   

“Chief, radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA tower.” Shepard’s voice brooked no argument.   

“Yes, Commander. I…”  

“You know it’s the right choice, Ash.” Those were his last words to her. Words designed to make her feel better. She said nothing. The lump in her throat made breathing difficult, so the last words she’d said to him was to warn him of a troop ship that he’d already seen. She should have saved Kaidan.  

“Stay alive. I’ll be coming to get you too, Alenko.”  

“I think we both know that’s not going to happen, Commander.”  

Ashley resigned herself to following Kirrahe’s advice. She held the line. The salarians fought and died around her, but they held out. The first she knew of Shepard’s arrival was watching Saren disappear over a wall on a flying board, and the Normandy settling down into the field of battle. Her marines poured out of the bay doors clearing enough of the geth that Ashley could rally the STG and get them safely on board. Tali set up turrets to defend the LZ and sent drones after krogan that looked like they might feel tempted into coming too close. Liara rounded the corner with biotics flaring, Garrus and Shepard followed her and Wrex brought up the rear.   

Then they just left.   

Fingernails digging into her hairline, Ashley leaned forward in the meeting room seats. Surrounded by the key military personnel who looked as fragmented as she felt.  

“…I’m sorry, Commander. You saved my life. I’m grateful to you for that. But it should have been me. Alenko was a superior officer. I would have gladly stayed behind.”  

Stupid. Insubordinate. Suddenly, she felt claustrophobic. The meeting room walls seemed to pulse, and she felt the overwhelming need to crawl out of her skin. The meeting had ended some time ago and she couldn’t bear to stay.  

Shepard caught her arm just outside. She must have rushed to catch up.  

“Ash,” Shepard’s words were for her alone. “How far are you going to drive yourself? It wasn’t your fault. Kaidan had armed the bomb. It couldn’t be deactivated. Going to get you meant saving the STG as well.”  

The calculus of war.  

Shaking her arm free of Shepard’s grip, she turned on her heel. “Aye, aye. Commander.”  

Chapter Text

The streets smelled of piss.  

Ashley had left the Normandy almost as soon as they’d docked, and she’d decided that what she needed most of all was to punch something very hard. She walked a long way away from the shiny docking bay and towards the lower wards. Buildings here were shabbier; meaner looking. There were fewer bug-eyed keepers around to keep the area tidy, and when something broke it took a lot longer for it to be repaired here than in other parts of the space station. Crates and boxes were left in piles wherever there was a space for them and more than one of the piles looked lived in.  

Cora’s Den was around here somewhere, she knew. If she wanted to get into a fight, that was as good a place as any, but seeing a small dirty blanket peeking out from the last pile of crates had drained some of the anger from her body and she instead felt a kind of weariness creep over her. She’d been to the Den once before. Rounding a corner, she saw the neon lights of the bar. It left her feeling empty. It was not at all what she wanted.  

Her omni-tool buzzed. Can I come find you?  

A pack of alliance marines swayed unsteadily as they left the bar, loudly arguing about nothing intelligible, as they banged into each other on unsteady legs.  

“Guys, guys,” one of them leered at Ashley, and then back at her friends. “Do you know who that is?” The woman was shout-whispering in the way only drunk people can truly manage. “That is the granddaughter of the great and noble General Williams! ” She said the last part with such heavy sarcasm it felt like a physical blow. 

“Really?” one asked, peering at Ashley with interest. 

“Fo’ real. I worked with her for a bit back on… Where was it again?” Ashley didn’t remember this person but instead of admitting it she stared cooly back. Maybe she’d get into a fight after all. She forced her body to appear relaxed. “We kept havin’ to hide all th’ white fabric in the base in case Williams here decided to surrender to the locals.” Ashley remembered: Tina Batters.  

She hit the automated reply button. It would be good to have someone to back her up or pick her up if things got bad. Private Batters had always fought dirty.  

“I heard they left him rotting in a cell somewhere,” a man with a deep voice replied. “Just enough food to last a month, as long as he rationed it. Then they flew away and forgot to make to make a supply drop for another three months. When they came to check on him, he’d been eaten by rats. All that was left were his bones.” 

“That true, Williams?” a blonde man asked, swaying only slightly. 

It wasn’t true, of course. Just one of the many stories that had circulated. The hatred of the Williams’ name ran deep. They’d started to close in on her.  

“Heard you’re on the Normandy now. That is one sweet posting.” Batters moved in too close, pretending to straighten Ashley’s uniform. This time it was a whisper. “Bet you had to eat a lot of turian ass to make that happen.” 

“Hey, Chief.” 

Ashley was not going to break eye contact, but she could feel Shepard beside her radiating a cold light. “Well,” Ashley said, “it’s been great catching up, but I have somewhere to be.” Finally, she turned to Shepard. As the two of them walked away she could sense the group’s stares following them as they rounded a corner and out of sight. 

Shepard was looking at her sidelong. She willed her teeth to unclench only to find she had to relax them again a few steps later. For her part, Shepard said nothing as they climbed into the elevator and made their slow way to the surface.  

“How’d you get here so quick?” 

Shepard shrugged, “I was upstairs. It was just an elevator ride down once I got your message.” Those brown eyes were on her again. “Cora’s Den? What’d I walk in on?” 

Ashley took in the grey noise of the elevator news article and let the white light flicker over her as the elevator climbed past floor after floor.  

“I wanted to hit something,” she said.  

Shepard turned to face her, frowning. “Me too. And I know just the place.” 

Ashley had never tried a simulator like this. She knew of them, of course. Some of them were lavishly designed with tanks, and field courses. This one was smaller, but it had a range of environments and simulated enemies. They dressed into the haptic-suits. The under-armour smelled like the arcade’s steriliser hadn’t quite done its job properly, but she forgot her discomfort once the rep began to talk them through the rules of combat.  

“Don’t don your helmets until you are in the field. Make sure they are on before the countdown completes. You’re in for fifteen minutes. Three rounds of five minutes each.” His voice took on the monotonous tone of someone who had said the same thing hundreds of times. “When the game finishes, you may remove your helmet. We will be monitoring your vital signs. If you go into cardiac arrest, the game will stop, and you will be removed. You will not be reimbursed your players’ fee. If you want to be removed early—” he droned on and on. Ashley caught the eye of one of the bored looking spectators. “Understood?” 

The two women nodded seriously, as though they’d been listening carefully. 

“I’m turning on your haptics. You selected that you wanted to feel full realism, so this is about to feel very heavy.” At those words, the plastic armour suddenly felt like well-built combat armour. It wasn’t entirely life-like, but it was a close approximation. He handed them each a plastic rifle, which felt solid in her hands. She wondered if Tali and Garrus had been here. They’d be able to talk nerdily about the kit. Ashley was certain that the gear she was currently wearing cost more than actual armour.  

A man who walked like military came towards them. 

“Williams. Thought it was you. Decided I’d come over and say ‘hi’.” She couldn’t believe this was happening, again. The rep was fiddling with the settings on his omni-tool ignoring them all completely. But Bulumba kept going. He’d been friends with Batters a couple of years ago. Had he followed her here? “They don’t give you the option to surrender in these sims. You going to be ok?” The man he was with smirked, flexing his biceps.  

The rep looked up at them all for the first time. “Your gear’s good to go and the arena’s ready for you.” He pointed to the two men and then away, dismissively. “Viewing platform’s over there.” 

Shepard looked at her, carefully. “Let’s go hit something.” 

Ashley’s HUD was wailing as she rolled into cover beside Shepard.  

“We could try flanking them,” she puffed. 

“They’ve already got us in a pincer,” Shepard replied. She pointed to two of the fictional aliens on their left and another three behind their own cover on the right.  

Ashley’s shields had recovered, which her HUD sounded happier about. She looked around frantically. “There,” she pointed to the right. “If we can take the higher ground on that side, we could force them into a firing tunnel.” 

“I like it. Let’s move.” 

They fought their way through the enemy line. Ashley punched one of the aliens in the face and felt the impact ripple along her arm as her suit locked.  

“Jesus Christ,” she shouted, gritting her teeth in pain. “That felt so fucking real .” 

They made it to the sniper nest and Ashley longed for her actual rifle. These guns did not have the power or the range.  

“The Council refused to listen. Again.” Shepard said before firing over the edge and leaping back into cover. “They didn’t believe what I told them about Sovereign. They aren’t worried about Ilos. And,” her shoulders slumped, “they’ve locked down the Normandy.” 

The story Shepard’s team had told about talking with a reaper was extremely difficult to believe. Whatever the tech was that allowed Shepard to communicate with the giant ship scrambled their recording gear. There was very little evidence left to support them. 

“Commander? Shepard. I cannot believe they did this to you. To us. I’m so sorry.” 

“They stripped me of command.” 

What the fuck? “Why would they do that?” 

Shepard shrugged, then pointed her weapon down the crumbling stone ramp to fire angrily into a group of enemy combatants.  

“I don’t know.” Her voice sounded like it was being forced through a grater. 

They had stopped paying attention. The alien creatures were upon them, swarming over the barricade. They kicked, punched, and shot their way through. In the end, it was a blood bath. Ashley looked at Shepard who was dripping with blood and gore, then down at herself, covered in sticky red blood and bits of flesh.  

Their breathing was easing as an electronic voice came over the loudspeakers: Game Over. Match to Williams and Shepard.  

She removed her helmet to find her armour gleaming and as clean as it had been when she’d first put it on. The pieces of dismembered aliens and pools of blood disappeared and she was momentarily disorientated.  

Shepard smiled. 

Bulumba and his friend had vanished, and she felt a bit of tension leave her shoulders.  

“I’m meeting with Captain Anderson in a club around the corner. I’m hoping he’s got some ideas about our next move. Mine all involve setting the Citadel on fire and waging war with the batarians.” 

“Not sure a drawn-out conflict with the Terminus Systems is really that helpful. Something quicker would be good.” 

“So, want to come?” 

“To see Anderson? Yeah. I’m in.” 

Chapter Text

Captain Anderson’s idea was only slightly better than Shepard’s. 

He knocked Councillor Udina out with a punch, hacked his computer to release the lockdown, and the crew of the Normandy had screamed their way to the Terminus Systems. He would no doubt face trial and so would they. If they ever made it back.  

Shepard was kneeling in the cover of an impossibly ancient statue, fiddling with her tech gear. In her armour, and with her helmet on, it was easy to dismiss her. In the green and grey shadows of the ruins, she was small. Her movements were confident and quick as she adjusted and then readjusted her pack, but nothing truly noteworthy. And yet somehow this woman had inspired the entire crew to defect and turn pirate. Not one person had questioned it or asked to be left ashore. Ashley understood but would find it hard to explain to an outsider. The commander was just one of those people you wanted to follow. Someone you’d happily commit treason for. Die for.    

Liara was stroking something with armoured fingers. It looked like a pillar covered with engravings. The asari was finding it difficult to focus on the combat and Ashley half wished they’d brought Garrus instead. He wouldn’t have squeaked indignantly whenever Ashley hurled a grenade a little too close to some old stonework.  

Ashley kicked a piece of metal plating sending it skidding through the mossy undergrowth. It had once been the protective outer shell of one of the geth that they’d been fighting. One of the red ones. Watching it bounce over knotted roots, she briefly wondered about geth factories, and why they bothered with painted armour at all; perhaps it was some hangover from their time with the quarians. She groaned, audibly. A little embarrassed that she was finding herself intrigued by the cultural heritage of fucking robots. Robots that had killed her entire squad and were once again trying to kill her and her friends and bring about the extinction of the entire fleshy universe.  

“Ash. Scout around. Look for signs of geth. Maybe we can follow them out of this maze.” 

They were lost. And their scanners were jammed.  

“Yes, Ma’am.” 

Ashley had found Shepard last night. After Virmire, she had needed time and space and Shepard had given it to her; waiting quietly with wide, lonely eyes. But then Ashley had pinned Shepard to a wall and had taken her roughly, poured all her pain and heartache and joy and confusion into that moment and Shepard had breathed, and sighed, and cried out. It was a release. They had slipped to the floor. Then moved to the bed.  

A little froggy geth crawled over the face of a hulking statue. She raised her rifle and brought it, and the head of the statue, down with a single shot. 

“Ashley, please!” Liara cried out in dismay. 

Scrunching her nose and clenching her jaw behind the screen of her helmet, she replied with her head lowered beneath a thumbs up sign. Hopefully the asari would read it as an apology.  

“Ashley, please,” Shepard had whispered, in the dark of her cabin. 

Ashley’s head had lowered then, too. 

The group picked their way through the leavings of a long-gone civilisation until they found a likely looking tunnel, that might have once been a massive road system.  

“Do we go on foot or head back to the Mako? It’s not too far away from where we are now,” Ashley said, frowning down at what they all knew to be extremely unreliable mapping software.  

“Mako,” Shepard decided. “We have no idea how far away Saren is, and he’s had enough of a head start already. When we get there, it might be nice to have some cannons.” 

Climbing into the M35 Mako was like coming home. She’d once overheard Private Dan Ryckert, complain that the M35 handled like an ambulance with beach balls for wheels, and now she'd probably never be able to ask him how he knew what an ambulance was like to drive. She very much agreed with the bit about beach balls though. Especially with Shepard at the wheel. Driving through rivulets of water also seemed to stop the huge tires from finding purchase. Still, there was something reassuring about sitting inside that familiar armoured wagon. 

From where she sat, she could see Shepard’s gauntlet covered hands relaxed on the controls. Liara was saying something about the walls around them. Cryogenic stasis pods speckled the surface in depressing regularity, all of them shut down, presumably containing the mummified remains of people that had gone to sleep hoping that they would one day wake to fight again. Only days ago, Ashley would have been horrified at the thought of such a quiet death. Her most secret hope had been that she’d die heroically; die in a way that would re-write history for the Williams’ family. In this moment, it seemed like a teenager’s idle fantasy. Maybe for the first time in her life, she could understand the desire to escape an impossible battle, to go to sleep hoping to wake up into a better world, and the arms of—.  

Shepard turned and smiled at her.  

“Visors down. There’s something strange up ahead,” Liara said. 

It looked like a force field. 

“It looks like a trap.” Shepard’s voice was deep. It was her serious voice; the voice she used when concentrating. 

“I don’t think Saren is behind this,” Liara said, and it was hard to argue with her. The forces that Saren had left behind had been light. It felt like he didn’t care if they followed or not, and this field looked different. Integrated into the Prothean landscape rather than hastily constructed by a moving army. 

They climbed out of the Mako and into a tunnel entrance that had opened for them. Shepard looked unconcerned, confidently leading them into the dark, but not making eye contact with them, either. 

The VI that greeted them at the end of a long dark tunnel had glowed like fire. But as it told the story of the Protheans her hope stuttered and died. She saw their inevitable deaths clearly. They had been burnt for beacons as they’d made every attempt to warn the Council who’d refused to act, or even acknowledge that they’d seen the smoke. And now it was too late. The best they could hope for was a pyrrhic victory. The things called Reapers were so much more than ships, they were huge artificial lifeforms hellbent on destroying all organic life to preserve a cycle. They had been doing this for millions of years. They were going to do it again, because the Citadel was a giant mass relay.  

“If Saren activates the relay,” Shepard said, with surprising calm, “the Reapers can wipe out the Council and the Citadel fleet.” 

The VI answered Shepard’s statements as if they were questions, and answered her questions as if they had all the time in the world. Liara looked as if she wanted to interrupt with a stream of questions of her own, but Ashley shook her head to try to dissuade her. She wanted to be out there fighting, not in here, talking to a computer while the universe ended. She wanted to live and be alive with Shepard.  

“Tell me what to do.” Shepard had breathed the words across Ashley’s ear, and she’d felt her back arch in response. 

“You said you brought me here for a reason. Tell me what to do.” The voice Shepard used was unlike her own. Ashley did not know what it meant. 

As the story continued, Ashley felt hope bubble up to the surface once more. Prothean scientists had been studying mass relay technology. The VI had woken a tiny number of them from cryostasis after the reapers had completed their most recent universal genocide. They had learned about the backdoor to the Citadel, they’d learned that it was the bug-eyed keepers that were letting them in. And those Protheans survivors had altered the signal. 

“This time,” the VI that called itself Vigil explained, “when Sovereign sent the signal to the Citadel, the keepers ignored it. The Reapers are trapped in dark space.” 

“Saren can use the Conduit to bypass all the Citadel’s external defences.” 

“Correct. And once inside he can transfer control of the station to Sovereign.” 

Ashley bounced on the balls of her feet. Shepard seemed determined to leech every possible skerrick of information from the VI. Frustrated, she began to stretch her shoulder muscles hoping to give Shepard a visual reminder that time was of the essence. Finally, the VI transferred them a data file that would corrupt the reaper signal. They turned away from that ancient computer database to jog back up the tunnel. 

“We aren’t going to waste time shooting down these geth,” Shepard said. “We’re either mowing them down or driving straight past them. I want to know the moment our shields drop below 90 percent.” 

The conduit glowed menacingly up ahead.  

Tree roots distorted the true shape of the place making it seem almost park-like, but she was sure they were driving through a massive drainage system.  

Shepard was frantically whipping through different readings even as she steered the Mako to crush the body of a geth fighter that had foolishly stepped into their path. 

“Check your armour!” she shouted at them through gritted teeth. 

“Shields at 89 percent.” Liara’s voice was that same mix of high and low notes that she always used, whether describing some architectural wonder, or commenting on the weather, or indicating that they would probably be dead in a few short seconds. 

“Liara, it has been an honour,” Shepard said, her voice cracking a little. 

“You too, Shepard.” 

The conduit was massive in front of them, and Ashley finally realised that Shepard intended to try to fling the Mako through it. 

They would hit it any second. 

“Ash.” Shepard didn’t turn her way. She was still concentrating on their trajectory. “I wanted to say: I lov—" 

Chapter Text

Alarms blared and the sound of screaming pierced through the Mako’s shattered plating. Ashley checked her HUD to find that her companions had escaped unharmed. She released herself from the safety restraints and spun her body to better clear a path through the upturned vehicle. It took some time to lever the door open.  

A square of light from the Mako’s interior burned orange on the pavement revealing the body of a crushed geth soldier. The screams were less muffled in the darkness of the street and so were other sounds: the crackle of fires, alarms, distant footsteps running, the whirr of robot bodies, and… husks.  Blue biotics flared from behind and sent two of the zombies spinning into the air. Ashley took them down with well-placed shots, and Shepard stopped a third with her pistol. 

The Mako had crashed in the middle of the Presidium and close to the Citadel Tower. Ashley checked her scanner, but it wasn’t picking up any hostile life signs. There was no way to tell for sure where Saren was headed.  

Shepard removed her helmet and stepped towards the Presidium’s VI, with what was becoming predictable enthusiasm. The glowing blue figure of an asari was glitching badly. It cast an ethereal light across Shepard’s face. While Shepard sought answers, Ashley and Liara peered into the shadows and around corners. The scanners weren’t fullproof and wouldn’t pick up grenades, landmines, or traps. 

The asari hologram was now facing away from Shepard, stuttering badly, with her head dislocated from her shoulders and her arms flailing madly. “ Former Spectre Agent Saren Arterius is nearing the vicinity of the Council Chamber. A warrant has been issued for his arrest, though Citadel Security is unable to respond at this time.”  

The commander replaced her helmet, and turned toward the doors of the elevator, skirting a fiery pile of rubble and broken glass. “Come on,” was all she said.  

The elevator stopped shortly after they began their ascent, grinding to a halt and sending the trio sprawling.  

“By the goddess!” Liara said and Ashley detected genuine, claustrophobic panic. 

“Saren’s locked the elevator.” Shepard explained, looking at Liara and tapping her reassuringly on the arm. “Suit up. We’re going outside.” Then, checking everyone was ready, she unceremoniously exploded the glass. 

Everything looked different.  

“The arms are closed,” Liara explained, giving Ashley context for what she was seeing. “And look. There!” Like a scorpian pollinating a flower, Sovereign had settled on the pistil at the centre of the Citadel, looking totally at home. 

Shepard peered over the edge of the elevator, before she stepped out confidently, twisting her body so that she was walking up the outer wall of the tower. Ashley had a little experience with extra-vehicular activity, but everytime the gravity didn’t work as expected her brain seemed to go into a mad state of panic, running around, barking and dribbling.  

She stepped over the side, feeling the hairs on the back of her neck quiver as her stomach heaved. Then, smiling reassuringly, she turned back to help Liara do the same.  

Shepard gave them a few seconds to adjust then led them along the tower.  

They were hampered by geth and krogan, but it wasn’t until they made it to the roof that Ashley felt in any way threatened by the forces that they were up against. 

A huge dropship hovered just above the surface, ignored by the massive defence turrets, which stood cold and docile. 

“I want to take down that ship.” Shepard gestured with her pistol. “Let’s see if we can get the turrets up and running. Make for the closet first. I want covering fire while I take a look, but only if they mark our position. I’d prefer it if they don’t know we are there at all.” 

Their attempt at stealth failed almost immediately. Saren’s forces gave them a good fight, but the cannons were eventually brought back online, and the dropship retreated to offload its cargo elsewhere. 

There was no respite. 

The geth and hired warlords kept throwing themselves in the way and Ashley would have been clipped by turret fire if Shepard hadn’t yanked her backwards.  

“There’s a channel to our left.” Shepard was breathing heavily. They all were. “If we can take out this nearest turret, we should be able to avoid the rest of their armaments completely. Then we should be able to find our way back into the tower. There seems to be a hatch not far from here.” She gestured vaguely at the schematics she’d pulled up on her omni-tool. It wasn’t long after that, that they finally reached the Council Chambers. 

Leaves fell to the ground in drifts. Smoke filled the once park-like space and small fires dotted the precinct. Much of the stonework was pocked with bullet holes and several people in C-Sec uniforms lay still in coagulated pools of blood. One body lay uncomfortably draped over a banister and another lay mangled, with staring dead eyes, at his feet.  

Geth poured out at them, but after all this time working and fighting together, they could read each other’s thoughts. They were slick and capable. The geth proved no match as their squad moved inexorably up the stairs.  

Standing atop the Petitioner’s Stage was Saren. It was the first time Ashley had seen him in person, and she couldn’t deny that, even with his back turned to them and tapping furiously on a console that had never been there in all the times she had visited, he looked intimidating. 

“I was afraid you wouldn’t make it in time, Shepard.” He turned to face them, and Ashley saw that between his plates were the cold blue lights of a husk.  

“Had to wipe out a few hundred of your followers along the way. Sorry if I kept you waiting.” 

“You’ve lost. You know that don’t you? In a few minutes Sovereign will have full control of the Citadel’s systems. The relay will open. The reapers will return.” 

“I’m heading to that master control panel,” Shepard replied. “And you can’t stop me.” At any other time, the words would have sounded like childish bravado. But the AI on Ilos had given them all the information they needed to stop Sovereign from opening the relay to dark space, and the other reapers. Their team really had taken down hundreds of enemies to get here. What was one more, technologically augmented turian? 

“You survived our encounter on Virmire. But I’ve changed since then. Improved. Sovereign has… upgraded me.” Was that hesitation, uncertainty? 

“You let Sovereign implant you? Are you insane?” 

“I suppose I should thank you, Shepard. After Virmire I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said. About Sovereign manipulating me. About indoctrination.” He sounded firmer now. “The doubts began to eat away at me. Sovereign sensed my hesitation. I was implanted to strengthen my resolve. Now my doubts are gone. I believe in Sovereign completely. I understand that the reapers need organics. Join us and Sovereign will find a place for you, too.” 

Shepard looked at Ashley. Ashley quirked an eyebrow. 

“I’d rather die than live like that.” 

Ashley smiled a sad smile to herself. They were in agreement. 

“Then you will die. And your companions. Everyone you know and love. Everyone you’ve ever met. Don’t you understand? You will all die! The reapers can’t be stopped. Not by the Protheans. Not by you. The cycle always continues.” 

“The reapers don’t use organics! They devour and discard them. As soon as the conquest is over, you’ll be cast aside.” 

“I had no choice.” Shepard’s words were having an effect. He was starting to pace. “You saw the visions. You saw what happened to the Protheans. Surrender or death.” He paused as if reconsidering. “There are no other options.” 

“You could have resisted. You could have fought. You were a spectre. You could have made all the difference. Warned the rest of us. Instead, you surrendered. You gave up.” 

“Maybe you’re right.” He sounded truly uncertain for the first time. A talon rubbed fretfully at his brow. “Maybe there is still a chance for—” His words stuttered to a halt as if he’d been tasered. 

Ashley felt bile rise in her throat and was momentarily back in the cold of Noveria, listening to Liara’s mother struggling against the bonds of indoctrination. Risking a look at her friend, whose face was pale behind her helmet’s visor, she could see Liara felt the same. 

A gun shot rang out. Saren’s lifeless body dropped to the floor below. Shepard didn’t spare it more than a glance before reaching the computer terminal. “Vigil’s data file worked. I’ve got control of all systems.” 

Ashley and Liara spoke at the same time. Liara wanted the arms of the Citadel opened and Ashley wanted communications with the fleet reestablished. They needn’t have bothered. Shepard’s hands flew across the interface and almost immediately they were assaulted by radio chatter.  

“This is the Destiny Ascension. Main drives offline. Kinetic barriers down 40%. The Council is on board. Repeat. The Council is on board.”  

“Normandy to the Citadel. Normandy to the Citadel. Please tell me that’s you, Commander.”  

“I’m here, Joker.” 

“We caught that distress call, Commander. I’m sitting here in the Andura sector with the entire Arcturus Fleet. We can save the Ascension. Just unlock the relays around the Citadel and we’ll send the cavalry in.”  

Ashley spoke before she thought to moderate her words: “Are you really going to sacrifice all those human lives to save a few members of the Council?” 

“This is bigger than humanity. Sovereign’s a threat to every organic species in the galaxy,” Liara retorted, angrily.  

“The council will have to be sacrificed for the greater good. Don’t waste our reinforcements. Hold them back until the Council arms open fully. Save them to attack Sovereign.” 

It was a better argument, and Shepard’s fingers twitched as if rolling a coin over her knuckles. She looked at them both, frowning. Then spoke slowly. “If we lose the Council, we lose the administration structure of the war. Their reach spans the galaxy. They manage supply lines… Destabilising that, now… The Destiny Ascension holds thousands. No.” She’d made her decision and looked them both in the eye to be sure they had no further points to make. “We save the council.” She reopened the comms channel. “Opening the relays now, Joker. We need to save the Ascension.” Her shoulders slumped. “No matter the cost.” 

With a deafening crack, the floor fell out from under them. Ashley’s body tumbled bonelessly through space before landing hard on the ground a full level below. Before she could take stock of the damage a huge electric pulse burned through the rubble and around the broken space, locking down Ashley’s suit, leaving her temporarily paralysed.  

The three second reboot seemed to last an age. Time enough to take stock of her physical injuries. Her suit had protected her and appeared to be fully functional. Shepard had been winded but would not need help dealing with it. Aside from that, her HUD showed all systems were back to fully functional. She rolled over carefully. She had landed in rubble at the base of a slope that had once been the floor of the upper level. She’d never been to this part of the grounds and could only assume that it had once been incredibly beautiful. Purple leaves would have mixed artfully with green moss and grey lichen, but everything was covered in grey dust. Water from broken pipes and fountains was spilling out, and the cloying silt floated on top looking mercurial and poisonous.  

They came together and nearness was a relief. 

Ashley was about to ask Shepard for their orders, but the commander was already working through a mental checklist.  

“Make sure he’s dead.” She jerked her head towards Saren’s corpse.   

Ashley had never shot someone in cold blood. She steeled herself for it in the same way that she had prepared herself to kill Wrex. It would be easier with Saren. His list of crimes was long. Captain Anderson had shared stories of him and their time working together, and Ashley had questioned the morality of giving people unlimited power. Cerberus had once been a Black-Ops group and it had only seemed natural that they would later morph into their own terrorist organisation. Her father had once said: “If you must hide your work, it’s bad work” and Ashley could see the truth in it. Every time people are granted power without oversight, they end up being corrupted by it. Would Shepard one day find herself corrupted by the absolute freedom to kill? Ashley walked towards the limp turian body. The body of man who’d discovered the threat of the reapers and instead of warning the council and fighting against them, had welcomed them. Worked with them. Killed Kaidan. Killed the 212. She stood over the body of ex-Spectre Saren Arterius and shot him in the head. Twice. 

As she began walking back towards Shepard and Liara, another pulse rocked them. Their suits didn’t lock them down, the basic VI having done enough to protect itself against the electromagnetic shockwave. This time, the wave was accompanied by a noise: the grating of a mincing machine, the sloughing of skin, the cry of wrecked vocal cords, the sickening squelch of bloodied limbs being forced to move. The smell of burning flesh. The pulse came like a bolt of lightning that hurled them across the ground like ragdolls. Shepard had managed to turn her fall into a roll, Liara had slammed into an ornamental boulder, and Ashley slid to a halt in a thick bed of moss. Bits of earthy leaf-matter clung to her visor, partially obscuring her view.  

“Get into cover!” Shepard shouted. 

She rolled behind a nearby pillar, thudding into Liara who was already there. Even once her vision was clear, she couldn’t understand what she was looking at. Saren — if it was Saren — the thing that was speaking to Shepard was a mechanised and misshapen monster. Most of his flesh had burned away and he was now a frightening robot skeleton. A husk.  

“The Citadel is mine, Shepard! You cannot stop me.” He said this hanging from the ceiling like a malevolent spider.  

“This time I’ll make sure you stay dead.” 

Ashley wasn’t so sure. She’d shot him. He’d died.  

“You have no idea what stands before you. I am not Saren. This form is only a shell. A vessel to channel my power.” Ashley looked to Shepard; her gun trained on… whatever it was. But the commander was standing still, listening to the speech, impassively. “This flesh repulses me. It is vulnerable. Fragile. Weak. Like all organic life. My kind knows true strength: the strength of metal and steel.” 

“You’re just parasites feeding off organics. Without us you’re nothing.” Shepard’s body was still but her eyes were moving frantically, surveying their options and the space. Ashley doubted she was even considering her words. It was as though she’d moved on from it completely and was preparing her future moves in the battle that was to come.

"We are aware of your presence. We tolerate your existence. But you are less than insects to us. You are bacteria. Germs. We are the pinnacle of creation! Immortal. Infallible. Perfect. I am Sovereign and this station is mine.” 

Sovereign had been playing for time, too. Geth dropped down from the top level to join the fight. Ashley began picking them off with her rifle. She swapped out her weapon to give Shepard some covering fire, and then the three were all in good positions to avoid being swamped. Shepard kept her attention primarily on the husk that was once Saren. He moved with inhuman speed. More like a geth sniper than a husk. Shepard’s light armour meant she was more mobile; able to roll in and out of cover, still barely avoiding the laser-like weapons that the machine was firing at her. 

One of the geth managed to separate from the main group, unseen by Ashley or the others. Patient and methodical, it picked its way around the debris found space behind a tree. It took carful aim at Liara, who was flinging her biotics, gathering up geth into helpless whirling pools of blue and suspending them so that the marines could pick them off. Ashley noticed the little enemy target on her HUDs display, and in the last possible instant, swung her rifle round, shooting from the hip and managing to take it cleanly through the eye-light. It was a shot to sing about, but Garrus and Wrex weren’t there and the other two hadn’t noticed. 

The fight was winding down. What had been a steady stream of geth reinforcements seemed to have slowed. Ashley checked her HUD to find both Shepard’s and Liara’s shields were dangerously low. She peered out from behind an ornamental rock and took careful aim with her rifle. She was only able to get one hit, before he flung himself across the space with the speed of a disturbed locust. He was once more in her sights, so she steadied her breath and pulled the trigger once more. Electric light coruscated across his body, sparks skittering across it like that from a tesla coil until it consumed itself. The body was momentarily wrapped in red light, redder than flame. Then it lay still. 

An eruption shook the station, the noise of it reaching them in the tower, even through their helmets. The ground beneath them wobbled and shook with it. Light was coming in through the tower windows and Ashley realised that it meant the arms had opened. The three of them stood catching their breath, waiting for their shields to recharge, when another explosion shook them, bathing the room in orange fire. Then they were plunged into shadow. A massive blackness moved towards them. 

“Go!” Shepard screamed.  

And they ran. 

Chapter Text

Hospital chairs are the same everywhere, but if anything, these chairs felt slightly more uncomfortable than most. Plastic and antagonistically banal, these ones attached to other chairs in rows, so you had no choice but to sit next to other people regardless of their injuries or ailments. The waiting room was packed. With many of the Citadel’s clinics and hospitals out of action, people were being shuttled out of the Widow System via one of the twelve attached mass relays. Many of the injured Alliance personel were sent here: Acturus Station’s Military Hospital. 

“We’re waiting for my son, Trent,” the woman leaned in towards Ashley conspiratorially as she spoke. Her hands, which gestured down at the child playing with two toy skycars at her feet, were heavily bandaged. She looked ancient. Her silver hair was tied back neatly in a bun with elaborate twists at the back, and her eyes twinkled brightly in her crumpled-up paper bag face. “I still don’t really know what happened. One minute everyone was getting ready for bed, well, Trent was reading little Aid here a bedtime story, I was tidying up after dinner, when he gets a call to come immediately to the station. He wasn’t gone long before the arms started to close. Well! We’ve had drills, my love, but I knew right from the start that something different was happening. And this little lad was hysterical with fright.  

“We’re all well used to it, but he woke up with his bedroom sideways and didn’t know what to make of it.” 

The child in question made loud skycar noises, before smashing the two cars together in a devastating midair collision. There could be no survivors. 

“Oh no!” the child muttered to himself. “Arggh!”  

Ashley watched the two skycars rise into the air to resume their aerobatics, miraculously unaffected. 

“You’ve been watching the news vids?” the woman asked, nodding towards the screens in front of them. They had been cycling footage of scenes from the Citadel, interviewing firefighters, showing longshot, carefully zoomed out pictures of mangled bodies and burning buildings. 

“No,” Ashley said, scrubbing her face with her hands. 

“I haven’t had a chance either. Haven’t had a chance. All I know is what Trent told me: that the station was invaded by geth. One shot him while he was defending it. Geth! Here! I could barely believe it. I guess I thought that was a colony problem. Not the sort of thing that would ever happen here. Its lasers tore straight through his armour. But then, I suppose C-Sec doesn’t often have the need for military grade protection.” 

Phasic rounds, Ashley thought to herself, not lasers. She let the thought lie. And then: I’m sorry. We tried to warn people. They just didn’t listen. She let that thought lie, too. How long had she gone without sleep? She looked again at the scenes of destruction playing on each of the screens on every wall, looked at the desperate people, down at little... What was his name? Aid? A kid who very nearly lost his dad, and she felt a threatening prickle behind her eyes. 

“I worked with your grandfather,” said the woman, nodding at the vid screen, startling Ashley out of her introspective panic. 

Ashley looked up in time to see her own face in dramatic close up. The news ticker at the bottom of the screen included the helpful description: GySgt Ashley Williams – granddaughter of General Williams, the infamous Shanxi garrison commander – saves the Citadel.   

“I didn’t—” 

The woman patted her hands to calm her. 

“It doesn’t matter. They just want to tell a story. Your grandfather was a good man. A brave man. I worked in his office. Issuing the call to surrender was one of the hardest decisions I ever watched him make. He did it blind. If he’d known that the human forces would come back in strength... Meet the turians head on and win... Well. Maybe he would have made a different decision. But maybe not. He was cut off, watching his people dying, starving. There wasn’t a damn thing he could do. He made the right call. I said as much at his hearing. They just want to tell a story. Maybe your story will fix his story, hmm?” 

The pair watched Aid. He was making shhhhoooo noises and passing one of his cars around the leg of a chair. 

Liara was on the screen, somehow a camera had been recording at the moment when she had pulled off her helmet. It looked dramatic in a way that such a common, day-to-day act had no right to look: Dr Liara T’Soni – acclaimed archeologist, sole heir to House T’Soni – saves the Citadel.  

“Your son—” 

“Hmm? Oh, don’t worry about him.” Ashley was grateful, suddenly, to this paper bag faced lady who didn’t require her to complete her sentences. She had wanted to say that the son, Trent, had also saved the Citadel. That the many peoples onboard the ships in the fleets that fought the battle against Sovereign and the geth all saved the Citadel. That if they were going to have any chance against future reapers, all Council races would have to work together. It would take a lot more than a three-man-squad from the Normandy. It always had. But getting all of that out would have been difficult. “He’ll be fine,” the woman said. “In an hour or so he’ll be out, and we can take him home. Aidan knows he was a hero, that he played his part when it mattered. There will be other stories, of course. But it’s the only story that’s important to me. And this young man.”  Aid had tired of his toys. He was coming to his granny for a sleepy cuddle. She opened his arms and he crawled on to her lap and into her embrace. “And you? You look tired. You should be sleeping. They have beds available at the base for you military types. They even offered to make space for our family. Are you more injured than you look?” 

The screens flicked to footage of Shepard. After the dust had settled and Ashley had carefully extracted Liara from underneath some rubble, after she’d found someone to see to the asari’s broken ankle, she’d begun the frantic search for the commander. Her suit wasn’t online – that much was clear. She didn’t remember much of the search. But her hands were blistered and bleeding inside her gauntlets from the hours of scrabbling to push and pull huge blocks of concrete and rubble aside in the hope of finding a scrap of that now familiar black and red armour. At one point, she remembered with some shame, she’d screamed at Joker: Get me more people down here, now! Find Pressly and get him to do his fucking job. I need bodies, everyone who can be spared. And bring me some goddamn lifter mecs!  

In time, Captain Anderson had arrived. Spoken to Ashley calmly. She couldn’t remember exactly what he’d said, but he was kind. Finally, hours later, she’d been sitting on some rock or concrete slab, drinking from a canister that Anderson had brought her when they got word that Shepard had been found. Ashley had turned in time to watch Shepard run up the slope of some collapsed building. Her shoulder was clearly dislocated. When she reached the top, she stopped to stare into the middle distance. This was all captured by the news cameras. It was the moment being played on the vid screen in front of them.  Commander Shepard –SSV Normandy – survivor of Akuse – first human Spectre – saves the Citadel.  

“I’m here for someone.” 

The footage cut to much rougher looking security cam footage of the group gunning their way through geth and krogan; fighting past turrets, running up the sides of buildings, sliding under and over burning debris. It was beautifully edited. Then the fight with Saren reduced to a three second clip before returning to Shepard in dramatic close up. The footage changed again. The news editors obviously having decided not to circulate what happened next.  

Shepard’s gaze had found Ashley’s. She’d raised a hand towards her just as Ashley was rising to her feet preparing to close the thirty-meter gap between them. And then the commander had crumpled. Her legs had collapsed, and she’d fallen to the ground, limp and unmoving. The guys that had found her raced up behind, skidding to a stop beside her body. As Ashley drew close, she could see the blood. She hadn’t noticed it at first because of the distance. Its dark colour was hidden by the armour but now it was stark and sticky; pooling in the silver dust.  

“Give them room.” Anderson had Ashley in his arms, holding her back. He motioned for others to help him. To help him to keep her under control. “Let them work.”  

That moment was on screen now. That private moment of devastation would be played and replayed throughout Council Space. Ashley’s soundless scream, held back by three men, including a Commanding Officer. The camera zoomed out to Shepard being stabilised with medi-gel, manually locked into her broken armour, and carefully moved on to a stretcher. 

The woman turned away from the screen to look shrewdly at Ashley. Her grandson’s cheeks were puffy against her chest, his eyes were glazed, beginning the slow blinks of a child about to fall asleep. 

“For her?” It wasn’t really a question. At Ashley’s expression, she chuckled quietly. “You have your grandfather’s taste in women. Your grandmother was a looker as well.” Ashley flushed with embarrassment. “Now... what was her name?” 

“Lynn,” Ashley croaked out. Her sister was named after her. 

“That’s right.” She was almost whispering now. “You did well, sweetheart. Benjamin would be so proud of you.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Oh no, dear. Don’t you cry. There’s no need. It’s done now. You did it. Rest.” 

They lapsed into blessed silence. 

Aidan was sound asleep and the woman’s eyes drifted closed. The waiting room was quieter now, most people having been treated and moved to outpatient care or settled into longer term accommodation. The sound of piercing beeping was coming from a long way off. Ashley wanted to be alarmed by it but her adrenaline refused to spike. After days of being overwhelmed, her adrenal gland had packed up and quit. She allowed her eyes to close.  

She jolted awake as a light hand touched her shoulder.  

The figure saluted crisply. “Gunnery Chief, Williams?” He was a young man, blonde, in his late teens or early twenties. His uniform and hair were impeccable.  

“Ensign?” 

“Ma’am, I was told to tell you... Commander Shepard is awake. She’s asking for you. I’m to take you to her.” 

Ashley stood quickly and felt a pang of regret when she saw that her grandfather’s friend had left. She hadn’t even thought to ask her name. She shook away the guilt and followed the teenager. He led her through busy corridors of whitewashed colours and terrifying machines, through countless double hinged doors that swung smoothly shut behind them, before finally slowing to approach a guarded door. The man standing guard was relaxed and not heavily armed. He saluted and nodded them both in. 

“Williams,” Anderson’s voice boomed. “It’s good to see you again.” The words were formulaic, but his smile and the way he clasped her shoulder as he shook her hand spoke of something deeper. 

He turned back to Shepard, clearly continuing an interrupted conversation. “Ground the Normandy. Make sure she’s stocked and ready. Once your crew is rested and repaired,” he arched a stern eyebrow, “there are paths you can follow. There are still geth out there. They’ll lead you to the reapers.” 

“Thanks, Anderson.” She turned her eyes to the door, meaningfully.  

He chuckled. “Oh, I see how it is. Alright. Goodbye, you two. Let me know if you need anything.” 

He left, taking the ensign with him. The door clicked quietly shut. 

Shepard winced as she changed position, slightly. She made eye contact and Ashley felt her chest shudder. “I thought you were dead,” Ashley said. 

“Never.” Shepard smiled, but she looked waxy and pale. “Too much to do.” 

The hospital bed was wider than you might expect of military equipment. The room more spacious. 

“What’s with the special treatment?” 

“It’s political. The heads are trying to emphasise humanity’s role in saving the universe so they can get concessions later. Seat on the Council, more human Spectres, more power in general. The private suite is symbolic of that.” She coughed and winced. Ash passed her the nearby glass of water which she accepted gratefully. 

“And the guard?” 

Shepard shrugged, weakly. “Keep the media out? The higher-ups get what happened, but the Council wants a full investigation. The guard is to stop rogue elements assassinating me.” 

Ashley frowned darkly. Shepard chuckled softly before the pain made her regret it. She patted the bed and then shuffled over. By the time she’d made enough space for Ashley to lie next to her she was panting with the effort. 

Shepard’s eyes closed. Her breathing steadied. 

“I want you with me always.” Ashley whispered the words as she watched the rise and fall of her girlfriend’s chest. Long black eyelashes formed deep shadows, emphasising the dark patches beneath her eyes. 

“Always,” Shepard whispered back.  

Ashley matched her breathing to Shepard’s, and hand in hand, they fell asleep.