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Heeseung rolled in his bed, tired and feeling run over, he hadn't gotten any sleep, again, spending his night busying himself with the phone, scrolling up and down, then staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night, hoping the sleeping fairy will have some mercy and bid him a visit, sprinkling her dust here and there and heeseung will be able to get his much-needed sleep without waking up all sweaty, run over, or with a terrible pain in his chest.
He ran his hand over his hair, losing hope in getting any extra minutes after the stolen half an hour he forced himself to sleep at dusk.
He ruffled his hair, still lying in bed, and brought to the front few strands between his fingers, looking at his plain black hair, soft and straight, it looked healthier and already recovered from the heavy bleaching. It looked like it always did, the hair he was used to seeing on his head
Well, a little bit longer...
He landed the strand on his face, huffing it up while planning to get a haircut, maybe a whole makeover even.
In the middle of his thoughts, he felt a buzzing next to him, seconds after, before he could even reach for his phone, his alarm was blasting in his ear, he squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would do anything to the booming sound, and reached for his phone, swiping randomly on the screen until the sound was gone. He sighed in relief and brought his arm to cover his eye, he had to wake up now and go about his day
His eyes traced the long red line on his arm, looking more like a scar than a thin thread, expanding all over his arm, and ending up wrapped like a bow on his pinky, he shouldn't have gone the extra mile and extended the tattoo on his arm. He even thinks that he shouldn't have gotten this tattoo in the first place, how humiliating it was for him to explain that he had the red string of fate tattoed on him, for a guy who recently broke up with him over nothing but being different
Well, it wasn't recent, Heeseung knows that, and he knows that it wasn't over nothing either, but it felt better to say it this way, that's how he coped with the burning sensation inside of his heart for the first few weeks, but then the weeks extended and became months, soon to be a year. The burning sensation never left him, and he never found the power within himself to change his narrative, to accept what it actually was
He dragged his feet across the apartment, avoiding staring for longer than a few seconds at any corner, afraid of the ghosts of the past coming after him, dragging him deeper into his sadness, forcing him to deny what is now an established truth.
He and Jay broke up, 10 months ago
Soon after freshening up, he slipped into his clothes and left, as if escaping something, he knew he was holding onto the last strands of scent Jay had left behind, thinking that if he didn't stay home, and nobody entered, he could keep all the happy memories enclosed inside, preventing them from slipping through the cracks of his broken heart
Life shouldn't be this unfair, he thought, he never asked for much, just a stable life, a normal one where he could pass by his boyfriend's workplace, who at the times wished him to be even more than a boyfriend, walk back home hand in hand, smiling to each other and chatting, telling all the things that had happened to him today, how much he thought about him today, how much he missed him
He still does, he could never stop missing him
In Heeseung's ideal life, he would end his day sharing the warmth of his bed with who he thought was his soulmate, and he would wake up to his sleeping face, he wanted them to have breakfasts together, bicker over small things but still head to work with the biggest smiles, holding hands, he wished he can always sneak out of work to "kidnap" Jay, taking him to the same place they met in the first place, having a peaceful lunch together, exchanging loving eyes
He tried, Heeseung tried his best to drive their lives in the way of his dream of constancy and calmness, he tried to make it all fall into this peaceful routine that would not hurt any of them, wouldn't affect their productivity and would always ... always love each other
His dream shattered, and his plans all went in vain, as he watches Jay stare out of the window of the restaurant instead of looking into his eyes, when Jay starts being less and less enthusiastic about sneaking out of work, and the whole office follows him in using it as a lunch break. He watched the sparkles dim in Jay's eyes as the days passed, he knew the younger still loved him, he could sense it, or he hoped for it, but something was missing
-"Do you want to get a tattoo ?" Jay asked him enthusiastically, eyes sparkling
-"Why, suddenly ?" heeseung smiled at him, popping his head under the book he was reading
-"You know, for a change" Jay pleaded with his eyes, trying to lure the older into agreeing with a sweet smile
-"Don't you have many already? " he placed down the book, holding Jay's face between his hands, creasing softly at the two fluffy cheeks that showed up upon the contact
-"I wanted a couple tattoo, a matching one with you" Jay rolled his eyes, pulling away and wearing his serious face again, feeling slightly embarrassed at the failed attempt of acting cute to get what he wanted
-"Wait" Heeseung called behind him, and the sparkle came back to Jay's eyes
----
-"Does it hurt?" Heeseung asked feeling very uncomfortable in the waiting room it was quite unusual for him to be in such a place
-"It stings" Jay laughed, holding the taller boy's hands with his own, sending all the comfort he could send
-"Why would you do it so often if it does then !" heeseung's eyes traveled at Jay's arm, a few ink spots blooming on it
-"It's fun, hyung " Jay smiled even wider. "It's a change I can make with no guilt "
-"I don't see why are you obsessed with changes, stability is also good, jongseong-ah" Heeseung couldn't hide the fear in his voice, going in a higher pitch, but he didn't miss the slight change in his eyes
-"Whatever you say" Jay laughed at him, and Heeseung ignored it
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Heeseung traced his finger over the loop the string formed on his forearm, unconsciously following it to his pinky, tugging it while looking at the options in front of him, he still is unable to accept changes
-"How should we do it this time ?" a man sat heeseung down, wrapping an apron around his neck "The usual? "
Heeseung watched the scissors approach his hair, the man already knowing what to do, where to start, and how it should look. He gulped before sounding out
-"Actually, I want to DIY it this time" he watched the man's face spread in confusion
-"Oh, alright," he said, still unsure "Do you have a color in your mind?"
-"Blond," he said, starting through the mirror at the man behind him
-"Ah, I don't think that's possible" he huffed "Your hair is too dark, it will take time to process"
-"I have time !" Heeseung urged " I did it before, once, I know it will take time "
The blond was the only color he had tried
It brought him so much bitterness in his mouth
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-"Hyung, you would look great in blond" Jay laughed fixing the wig on his boyfriend's head
-"Jay stop teasing me" he squinted his eyes, having given up a long time ago after seeing the big smile on the younger's face
-"I'm not!" Jay widened his eyes, again "It really does"
-"This says Marilyn Monroe wig" he grabbed the tag reading it "Is it fun making me look funny?"
-"Very much" Jay turned around looking at other wigs, still laughing
-"And what's with the wig store date" Heeseung huffed "I never heard of anything like this" he was sulking because Jay refused to go on a picnic
-"It's fun to change how things are from time to time" he heard the younger say before his name was called "Look at this one"
As unsatisfied he was with this, the smile of anticipation on Jay's lips, and the way he placed an 80's rock wig on his head, trying to be funny, made it easier for him to feel familiar with the place
He found comfort wherever Jay was
-"It looks pretty on you " he teased, reaching to fix some strands that he didn't really know whether they were intentionally messy or the results of Jay's head-banging move
-"You destroyed it" Jay was faster, pulling it down "You should've laughed, why would you say this" he turned his head away, attempting to his his blushing face.
-"I'm sorry " Heeseung laughed, sliding his arms on the younger's waist, pulling him For a hug "You just look good in everything" he mused in Jay's ear and felt the burning heat rise there
-"You look so dumb still wearing that wig," Jay said looming at their reflection
-"I told you it didn't look good" Heeseung pulled back removing it while laughing, " I thought I could trust you, jongseong-ah, I'm disappointed"
Jay rolled his eyes, a smile so big on his face, hands reaching to fix Heeseung's hair as the older leaned for him to do so
-"I still think you'd look good in blond," Jay said arranging the stray strands
-"I don't know, I like it the way it is now" Heeseung replied after a quick thought " I don't have to change it right?"
-"No, you don't "Jay grabbed the wigs and started placing them back, while Heeseung stood at the door, checking for any familiar places to end the day at
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Heeseung's tattoo was a string, a thin thread of ink, but it felt like burning fire spreading the long of his arm, it felt like a bloody reminder of the promise that was broken and the dreams that shattered with Jay leaving. He felt it tighten on him pulling him into the darkness of his thoughts, reminding him of all the memories and the mistakes he made. He knew it was holding him back, the little hope it gave him, he knew it was a false hope, and he had to admit it was too painful to keep
He traced his finger once again on the line, having already memorized his way along it, his thoughts darted to how will he comfort himself again now. After losing Jay's comforting hands he was sitting in a line waiting to remove his last way of comfort the traces he made on his skin following the line
Was he ready to let go?
-"Lee Heeseung?" the nurse called him "It's your turn now".
He dragged his feet behind her, still contemplating the possibility of running away and keeping his last memory, his last gift from Jay forever
Before he could make that decision, the footsteps stopped at a door, the nurse smiled pointing at it
-"The doctor is waiting inside "
He nodded in a fake gratefulness, a part of him wanted to leave with her, but he gathered the courage within him to knock and then enter
-"Hello si-" the voice was cut mid-sentence, eyebrows arched in shock as his eyes met those of his ex, a soft smile drew on his face inviting him inside "Come in"
Heeseung gulped, that part of him urging that he turn on his heels and sprint out of there, the other part agreeing, he felt guilt creeping inside of him
-"Don't worry, this one doesn't hurt" Jay smiled patting the huge chair in front of him "It'll feel like butterflies on your skin "
Heeseung smiled, every word of the younger's mouth felt like a warm hug, and the comforting tone he used made him want to fumble and cry. He didn't, he forced his way to where Jay's hand tapped
-"I knew you loved change, but becoming a doctor?" heeseung joked taking his seat
Jay laughed, and the older's heart ached
-"I'm just a technician," he said, watching Heeseung reveal his arm.
The room fell to silence, Jay's eyes following the line, breath so slow and face so blank, he placed his finger on the loop, tracing over it
Heeseung's heart dropped, and he felt something in his stomach disintegrate
-"You're removing it?" Jay asked fixing his glasses and looking for his tools
-"Does it hurt ?" Heeseung ignored his question, asking another one
-" A little " Jay chuckled
-"I think it will hurt me more than you say," Heeseung said, eyes focused on the younger's face
-"It doesn't, I did it before," Jay said, focused on the arm in front of him, but his tone was still so stable and comforting
-"Oh" Heeseung felt a pit in his stomach "How have you been" he asked, to avoid feeling anything, hoping Jay would start talking again and all his worries would disappear
-"Well" Jay answered briefly, a smile on his face " You're blonde again" he mentioned
-"I... Tried to change" he felt Jay's hand halt for a split second before he went back to his work
-"Change is good" Jay laughed, a very forced laugh that sounded painful to both of them "This won't take much since it's one line, I will be extra careful on the areas with thinner skin "
-"You do you jongseong-ah" Heeseung smiled, feeling sleepy at the comforting touch on his arm "You know your job better "
Heeseung woke up later, he might have dozed off listening to Jay's humming, he felt embarrassed and started bowing randomly to both Jay and the nurse, who seemed to tiptoe not to wake him up
-"I'm so sorry" he repeated
-"It's fine, it was a long procedure and you seemed tired, you were the last for today so we didn't have to wake you up" Jay smiled warmly, very understanding
-"I .. Thank you" He looked at his arm, the trace of the tattoo was still recognized, but the ink disappeared, he felt empty.
It was painful indeed
-"This was just the first session, we will see you again once your skin gained its very needed rest," Jay said, putting his glasses back on "It was great seeing you again, Hyung"
From the crack of the door, Heeseung watched Jay's hand still waving at him, at the base of his pinky a red bow
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-"I'm blond!"
Heeseung lowered his hoodie revealing his hair color, Jay was right, he looked good. he fought every urge inside of him to ruffle his hair and try to style it, he had planned many things to do to the older if he actually went blond
-"It suits you" he forced his voice out
Heeseung sensed something was off, his voice never sounded so heavy like this before, and his guts told him it wasn't something he wanted to hear. He felt it was bad news
-" Is everything alright?" heeseung approached bringing the younger closer for a hug "You don't sound okay"
Jay didn't say anything, he just smiled holding back his tears, a lump forming in his throat, threatening to explode in loud sobs if he opened his mouth, he inhaled the taller's smell, burrying his face deep in his chest, arms sliding on his shoulder to pull him closer
-"Are you okay baby?" Heeseung asked, heart aching at the tightness of Jay's hold on him "Do you want some time ?"
Jay shook his head, face still buried in the older's chest, he breathed in deeply before pulling his face away, a painfully fake smile plastered on his face
-"You know how much I love you, right? " Jay said, voice on the verge of crying
-"Of course I do!" heeseung exclaimed, placing his hand on the younger's face, attempting to soothe him
-"But you know we won't work out" Jay's words came followed by a sob, tears streaming down his face "We don't look at life the same way "
-"We can work on that! I can change !" He was panicking, jays words finally making it to his brain "Don't, please don't"
-"I'm sorry hyung, none of us will be happy this way" Jay was still forcing a smile leaning his face on the older's palm
-"I'm happy! " his voice came as begging "I'm SO HAPPY, I can only be happy with you"
-"You won't "Jay's voice was too low, as if he was whispering "I will hurt you"
-"I will take it, I will endure"
-"Let's end it here hyung" Jay pulled away "For both of us"